Original subtitles

- [kissing] - [laughs]

Hey, honey. How's your art history paper goin'?

Great. I finally figured out how to do it.

- How? - I'm dropping the class.

There you go.

Oh, give me that baby. Come here, sweetheart. Ooh.

- Mom, are you okay? - Oh, darlin'.

Whoops, bad time.

Oh, come here, you.

Mrs. H, what is goin' on? You're freakin' us out.

Wait till she hugs you.

[sighs] I'm okay.

What is going on?

You know, have you ever heard that expression,

when your life flashes before ya?

Of course.

It happens to her every time she takes a math test.

Come here, honey baby.

I was on the corner of Oak and Huntington.

- And the light goes green. - Yeah.

And I hit the gas to go, and my car stalls.

Your car stalls and your life flashes before your eyes?

When you get a flat do angels come dance on the hood?

Will you listen?

So my car stalls. It just conks out right there.

And two seconds later, this huge truck

runs the red light and rips through the intersection!

- Oh my gosh. - Whoa.

Yeah, "Oh my gosh" and "Whoa."

If my car hadn't stalled, I'd be dead right now.

- Oh, Mom. - [sighs]

[Van] Oh, boy.

Sometimes you just gotta thank the man upstairs

that you have a crappy car.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

More soup, my little sweet darlin' daughter?

No, thanks.

Have I told you that I love ya?

[exhales]

Yes. You have, Mom. All day.

And last night, when you were sitting next to my bed.

[chuckles]

Well, it's just that if anything did, God forbid, ever happen to me,

I just wanna make sure that you know I love you.

I do. We all do.

But it's got to stop.

The love and the soup has got to stop.

Don't go, Kyra. I made muffins.

Honey.

Van, why are there stickers all over everything?

Oh, no reason. You know, just, uh,

committing a little Van-dalism.

[laughs]

Oh, come on, Mrs. H. Throw me a little love.

What's with the stickers?

I'm claiming stuff in case you die.

Mom, you're not dying, are you?

Of course not, honey.

Good, 'cause when you die, I won't have a place to sleep.

Van put a sticker on my bed.

What?

Technically, it's not your bed, Jake. It belongs to the estate.

Van, go take the sticker off his bed.

Well, great. Now I'm gonna have to get a job,

get rich, and get my own race car bed!

[gasps] Oh, Reba!

You're alive! Ooh!

- Oh, you're making me wish I wasn't. - Oh.

Hey, Reba. We heard about what happened. Wow.

Why are there stickers all over everything?

That's the kids' way of claiming all my stuff.

Man, I should have thought of that during our divorce.

Um, excuse me, are-- Are we talkin' about death?

'Cause I don't want to.

If you talk about it, you're callin' it.

You know, "Say his name and he will come."

- Who are we callin'? - Death.

- Who? - Death.

- Say it again? - Dea-- Oh!

Very funny, Reba. Very funny.

Hey, did I ever tell you when I was a kid, we had a dog named Death?

- Oh, my-- - Yeah, he got lost all the time.

We was outside going, "Here, Death."

Stop it. Stop it.

"Hey, Death. Here, Death!" [whistles]

"Come and get it, Death!"

Ha-ha.

You just keep laughin', Reba.

But you're creatin' some real bad mojo here.

[sputters]

She's afraid of death, yet she walks right in here to my house?

- I'm making up a will. You should too. - Oh, I already did.

What? You're actually doin' somethin' adult and responsible?

It really wasn't that hard.

I put Barbra Jean in charge of everything.

Oh, you-- You mean her half.

No. No, everything. I mean, it just made sense.

The way I eat, she's bound to outlive me.

I mean, I've already had three hot dogs today. It's not even noon.

But I don't trust her. I mean, your... your practice?

Your retirement fund? Your life insurance policy?

All that goes to Barbra Jean and my kids just get a big ol' pile of squat?

[chuckles] Reba, Barbra Jean will be very fair.

Have you ever seen her cut a cake? Every slice, exactly the same.

- Brock-- - No, Reba.

It's already been decided. Hey, it's my stuff. It's my decision.

And there really is nothin' you can do about it.

[sputters]

Oh, yes, there is something I can do about it.

Death spared me for a reason.

The family meeting is called to order.

We're here to discuss what to do with the house

in the event of Mrs. H's passing.

I say we keep the house, live in it, maybe put a pool in.

Count me out. You two can buy me out of my third.

Hang on a sec. Van? Huddle.

Careful. With all this brain power comin' together

we don't want to start a fire.

Can we afford to buy her out of her third?

Yeah, but we're gonna have to sell ours first.

We're gonna have to trick her.

Kyra, we're gonna put it to a vote.

All in favor of keeping the house, raise your hand.

[laughs]

[grunts]

- Sorry, Kyra. We win. - [sighs]

Van isn't Mom's child. He doesn't get a vote.

The vote is tied one to one.

[exhales]

That's how you try to trick her?

And here comes the swing vote now.

Aw.

- Oh, Jake? - Yes, Kyra?

Jake, if Mom perishes unexpectedly,

should we sell the house and split the money,

or should we keep it and live in it?

Sell. Good boy.

- What'd she offer you? - A dirt bike. I mean--

Jake, if you vote with us, we'll give you a dirt bike and a new Xbox.

Mm-hmm.

Dirt bike, Xbox, and that baseball glove you thought you lost.

- Whatever Kyra says plus a monkey. - A monkey!

Ah.

Jake, they might be able to give you more, but I can protect you.

Who does he need protection from, Kyra?

Me.

Jake, don't worry about it.

- I'll protect you from Kyra. - Yeah.

- [knocking] - Okay.

I'm comin'. Yeah.

Oh, hey, Reba!

Ooh, no hug. Wet nails. [laughs]

Don't worry.

- How did you open the door? - Oh, with my foot.

I also taught myself to pick up a pencil and sign my name.

You know, in case I lose my arms. Just, ooh.

- You wanna see? - Mite smudge.

[chuckles] Ah, see?

That's why you got the high school diploma.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- So, what's up? - Well, Brock told me

he was leaving everything to you in his will.

Ooh. Ugh, no death talk. I can't ward off evil till my topcoat dries.

[laughs]

Well, you know, Barbra Jean, it's not that I distrust you.

It's just that I don't trust you. You do see the difference, don't you?

So, I wanted to get everything in writing before Brock--

- Takes a little journey. - [laughs]

Fine.

Ah, when he goes on his journey, I want to make sure

that my kids are provided for fairly.

Oh, Reba. That's not gonna be a problem.

- Have I never served you cake? - [laughs]

Well, that's, uh, really not good enough for me.

Well, Brock doesn't seem to have a problem with me taking care of his family.

Neither do the kids. I mean, Kyra and I are very close.

[laughs] Only because she knows it bugs me.

And Jakey trusts me.

He's eight. He understands you. [laughs]

- Oh, it's so true. - Yeah.

Uh, but seriously, Barbra Jean.

It's Van and Cheyenne who have the most at stake here.

I mean, they've got a family now.

And I'm pretty sure they don't feel comfortable

leavin' their future in your hands.

Well, I happen to know that's not true.

Well, they have a baby to think about now.

And I know that they want to make sure that Elizabeth will be taken care of.

And obviously they trust me to do that.

Otherwise they wouldn't have left Elizabeth to Brock and I.

What?

You know, in the event of their little journey?

- What... What did you say? - Journey.

- No, before that. - Little.

Barbra Jean!

Okay. Van and Cheyenne made Brock and I Elizabeth's guardians.

[laughs] Yeah.

They left Elizabeth to you and Brock instead of me? I don't think so.

It's true.

Oh, hey, Reba.

Gee, maybe I should have played nine more holes,

let you hens finish your cluckin'.

[laughs]

Maybe not. So, uh, what's going on?

Oh, I'm just listenin' to a few fairy tales.

Barbra Jean claims that Van and Cheyenne

are gonna leave Elizabeth to you guys

in case somethin' happens to 'em.

[laughs] She did?

- Yeah. - [all laugh]

Barbra Jean, honey,

you weren't supposed to do that.

Not while she's in our house where she can break things.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I'm glad it's out.

I don't like keepin' secrets from Reba.

Oh, by the way, I'm the one that broke your lamp.

- I was trying to work a yo-yo. - Wait a minute! Is this true?

Yeah, it's true. I'm not very good with a yo-yo.

I can always get it to go down, but I can never seem to bring it back up.

Not about the lamp you're gonna replace, you dingbat.

They're leaving my granddaughter to you?

Look, look, Reba. Don't get all upset.

Oh! Why should I get upset?

Just because the children that I raised

don't think I'm good enough to raise their child?

Well, Reba of course you are.

You know what? I got a fix.

If anything were to happen to Van and Cheyenne,

God forbid. [sputters]

And if Brock and I were to... [hums, chokes, sputters]

And, honey, I do hope we go together.

Me too.

Then you would get Elizabeth.

All right. Let's all calm down. And by all, I mean Reba.

I am not about to calm down!

My kids have made a huge mistake!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on here a second.

Now, she's my granddaughter too.

And there are two of us to take care of her.

Oh, yeah. Right. But one of you is off her rocker!

I won't say which one!

Oh, I know she thinks it's me.

Of course it's you! It's always you.

No sane person has 400 Beanie Babies!

Excuse me, 412!

And that doesn't make me crazy.

That makes me the Secretary of the Whole Bunch of Beanie Babies Club.

Well, is this your password? [lip trill]

Reba, I am well aware of all the silly little things I do.

[chuckles] If I wasn't, I'd be insane.

That's your argument?

"I know I'm insane, so I'm not insane"?

Oh!

At least I don't go around expectin' to get my children's children

in the event that they... [hums, sputters]

And if you want to see insane, why don't you run on down to the state fair

and get your portrait drawn and take a gander, peaches?

- Whoa. Hey, hey, Barbra Jean. - [laughs]

Well, if you want another baby so bad, just wait.

I'm sure Brock will let you spend time with the one he has with his next wife!

[gasps] Oh. Hurtful!

All right, Reba. I think that's enough.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,

without breaking anything.

Fine. But this is not over.

[gasps]

Fix that with your toes.

- Hello, Kyra. - Oh, Kyra.

Why the happy faces? Finally figure out where babies come from?

No.

We talked to a law professor at the university.

And unless we all agree, you can't sell the house.

The law, Kyra. As in jail?

We could have you arrested. So we're not sellin' the house.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, okay. 'Cause I was thinking about it anyway,

and I decided I was being selfish.

You guys deserve the house.

In fact, I want to give my share to you.

- Really? - Yeah.

You guys have Elizabeth and you need a place to live. So the house is yours.

Wow, Kyra. That is so cool.

You know, you can come over anytime you want.

Not so fast. Van, huddle.

Do you notice anything weird about her?

Like, she's being nice? This is a trap.

[laughs]

- She is being nice, isn't she? - Yes.

Man, she's good.

She's trying to stick us with this house. But why?

Well, maybe something's wrong with it. Like toxic mold.

Or there's a portal to hell in the basement.

- We don't have a basement, Van. - Then it's gotta be the mold.

I'm gonna handle this.

- We pass. - What?

Tryin' to give us part of the house. Nice try, Kyra.

Okay, but I don't feel right profiting from Mom's untimely death.

So, if you won't take it, I'm giving my share to Jake.

Two can play at that game. Jake, you get our share of the house too.

I own the whole house?

Congratulations!

Sucker. [scoffs]

Enjoy your mansion. [laughs]

You know, Jake, you don't get the house until Mom's gone, right?

Well, like she told you before,

that won't be for a very long, long, long time.

So?

So, wouldn't you rather have this dollar today?

Okay. Can I keep my bed?

Sure, but it'll cost you a dollar.

Thanks, Kyra.

I almost felt bad that time.

- Van, do you ever think about dying? - Sure.

- Well, how do you wanna go? - Naked.

Why?

It's how I came in.

- [sighs] - Hey, Mom.

"Mom." Interesting term.

Sounds like someone you can trust.

So, are you guys goin' out Saturday night?

If you can still babysit.

Well, I'd love to. But are you sure I'm good enough?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable with Brock and Barbra Jean?

We asked them already. They're busy.

[chuckles]

Let's cut the playin' around, okay?

I know I'm not Elizabeth's guardian.

- Oh. - Whoops.

Yeah, "Oh" and "Whoops." Why didn't you tell me?

Well, we figured if we didn't die it wouldn't matter,

and if we did die, you know,

we wouldn't care if you were mad at us 'cause we'd be dead.

Did I do somethin' wrong?

Was it the constant babysittin' or lettin' you live here rent free?

Oh, I know what it was.

It has to be the unconditional love. I knew that was a mistake!

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Oh, no, no. Mrs. H. Don't beat yourself up. Those are good things.

Oh. Well, then please explain it to me.

Because as far as I'm concerned,

this is the seventh game of the World Series of stupid.

And you guys have just hit a home run!

World Series of stupid?

First you yank us around about this babysitting thing,

and then you rip on baseball.

Okay. Well, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Oh, I can't hear her, Van.

Because it is game seven, and the fans are screamin'.

Mm-hmm. And I'm havin' a hot dog,

only I forgot to put onions on it, so it's not so great!

Okay, guys. Come on. Sit down here. Come on.

Look. When I first found out about it,

it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

I guess I just assumed that you guys

would want Elizabeth to be with me.

Please tell me you thought this through.

- We did. - You couldn't have!

I swear we thought it through.

That may have been the problem.

Van and I talked about it, and you were the logical

first choice to take Elizabeth.

So far we agree.

But the more we got into it, all we could talk about

is how great you are with her,

and what a wonderful influence you are.

I can change! I'll teach her to smoke!

No, no, no. See, you've given up a big chunk of your own life

to help raise our daughter.

Yes, and because you've done so much,

the thought of you being stuck raising a baby--

It was too much.

Yeah. I don't know if you think about this much, Mrs. H,

but raising a baby is a huge responsibility.

We just thought that you deserved a chance to be a real grandma

and not a full-time mother.

We did it as a gift for you.

[exhales] Oh. You two kids.

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!

What?

There is nothing that that baby could take away from my life.

She only adds to it.

I mean, it's not like she's gonna be a baby forever.

I knew we should have talked about this with your mom.

- We messed up, huh? - I guess you did.

Mom, I don't know what to say.

I mean, we can't tell Dad and Barbra Jean that we changed our minds.

I agree. Just put it in the will that I get her,

and I'll deal with it after you take your little journey.

- Thanks, Mom. - You're welcome.

Mmm. I'm okay.

[closing theme music playing]