Original subtitles

- [horn honks] - Oh, man.

Mom, I can just buy lunch.

Not five days in a row.

A packed lunch means a mom cares.

Where are the Lunchables?

Who ate all the Lunchables? Van!

- [horn honks] - Mom, the bus is here.

Okay. Here's five bucks. Oh, wait a minute.

There you go. Love you, sweetie. Love ya, love ya. [loud kisses]

Hi, Jake. Bye, Jake. Hey, Reba.

Bye, Brock.

Here, grab some peanut butter and start paintin' bread.

- But... But, Jake just left. - It's not for today. It's for tomorrow.

I don't have time tonight 'cause I gotta go to that dumb meeting

about Jake's school auction.

I wanted to talk to you about that.

I don't need talk. I need a co-chairman.

I told the committee that I can't do it again this year by myself.

Look at this stuff.

I have to plan refreshments, line up all the donations,

and, uh-oh, send out last year's thank-you cards.

Sounds like you need help.

Of course I need help.

But they can't find anybody.

You'd think some people would just want to jump in and do some good.

Guess what? Somebody did.

Oh, no, Brock. [forced chuckle]

Not me and you.

No. It'd just be fighting and fighting and fighting and--

You're the last person in the world I'd wanna do this with.

Hello there, partner. [laughs]

Okay, Brock. You and me, together again.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[giggles] Isn't this exciting?

We're on the same team.

And we're gonna be a great one.

Like Barnum and Bailey. Sears and Roebuck.

♪ Electra Woman and Dyna Girl ♪

Barbra Jean--

♪ And Reba ♪

Barbra Jean--

♪ And Reba ♪

- Brock. - Barbra Jean--

♪ And Reba ♪

Hey, sweetie. Sweetie, maybe you oughta go wait in the car.

Right. You know what I'll do?

I'll start working on the T-shirt design.

Ooh, how about one that says, "Shh!"

You know, 'cause it's a silent auction.

[laughs] Yeah.

[whispers] Get out.

[whispers] Oh. Right.

I can't do it.

I don't care if they close the school down and all the kids go dumb.

Oh. That's great. Great. Fine.

Fine. Put your personal feelings ahead of the well-being of the children.

- Your children. - Don't use the kids, Brock.

You know, who cares if this auction is a big flop?

I mean, does the school really need playground equipment?

I guess the kids could just climb on each other.

Oh, come on.

Why do you need a lunch lady to keep fights from breaking out?

I mean, poor, tiny, little Jake can fend for himself.

Oh, all right. I won't quit. But why do I have to do it with her?

Because she's the only one who volunteered. Come on, Reba.

You've got the experience.

You've what, set the record for three straight years?

- Four. - Four. Four.

And Barbra Jean has got the time.

So, just... just point her in the right direction and let her go to town.

Oh, I'll let her go to town all right. A town far, far away.

All right, I'll do it. I'll work with Barbra Jean.

♪ And Reba ♪

[mouthing words]

Hey, guys. What's that?

Dead leaves, old tennis balls and a Frisbee.

We're making a basket for the auction.

You're donating a trip to the dump?

No, no. I'm donating my services to clean out someone's gutters.

Cleaning gutters? That's what you're donating?

Guys, I hate to say this, but that sounds kinda dumb.

- Well, Barbra Jean suggested it. - Oh!

[laughs] Then I don't mind saying it. That's really dumb.

Well, Mom, what else is Van gonna do? I mean, he doesn't have any other skills.

Don't say that, Cheyenne. He can--

Hey. You should donate football lessons.

Hey, you know that's...

- that's a pretty good idea. - Yeah.

You know, Mom, you're pretty good at this auction stuff.

I better be. This year's gonna be a real challenge.

Barbra Jean don't have the faintest idea what she's doing.

I've told her five times that the way to get the best donation...

is to match the person with the thing they're best at.

- Like you and football. - Yeah.

Like, I could teach teenage girls how to take care of their babies.

Yeah. Great. Hey, you know what? Don't use your real name.

Hey there, kids. Van, what happened to your finger?

Oh, my finger got caught in Mike Garcia's face mask.

Oh, be still, my heart.

The gutter basket looks great.

They changed their mind.

Mrs. H said I should donate football lessons instead.

Well, great. I mean, I don't even know what football lessons are,

and everybody's got dirty gutters,

but, Reba, I guess you know best.

Keep that thought for the rest of the day.

Well, I guess we're not gonna need this stuff anymore.

We should probably go put it back in the gutters

Good thing I didn't put away the ladder.

Okay, Barbra Jean, I've kept the files from the last four years.

Inside here is the secret formula to a successful auction. Now--

Does anybody else have a question?

- Yes? - Okay. Um,

I was just wondering,

um, if we only do what you did, then we can only do as well as you did.

And we wanna do better than you did,

so we should be thinking outside the box.

[laughs]

But all the wisdom is inside the box.

Okay?

Now, look, I'm the chairman, and I say we stick with what works.

Okay. But I thought we were co-chairmen?

[chuckles] No.

You're cochairman. "Co" is Latin for "not."

I can't believe I almost missed the whole auction.

Eugene wouldn't let me leave work.

- How's it going? - Boring.

But it's about to get better. Barbra Jean didn't take any of your suggestions.

What? We're outside the box?

And did you see the door prize? It's a door.

Hey, Mrs. H. Great idea on the football lessons.

The bidding's going nuts.

Yes, because it was my idea from inside the box.

Yes, but it was Barbra Jean's idea

to put a shirtless photo of me next to the bid sheet.

It's totally disgusting. It's like a feeding frenzy for middle-aged women.

Oh, come on. You both should be very proud

that I'm gonna raise a lot of money for the school.

Yeah. Dirty money, you flesh peddler.

Oh, hey, Reba. It's going pretty well.

"Pretty well" is not up to my standards.

You don't set records with "pretty well."

- I'm just saying people are bidding. - Yeah?

My tooth bleaching is already up to $380.

Course I throw in floss and a toothbrush. Aw, they must know that.

Hey, hey.

- There's my co-chairman. - [forced chuckle]

- So, what do you think of our auction? - This isn't our auction.

This is your auction.

My auction is in a box saying,

"Help, let me out."

Ladies and gentlemen, the bidding is now officially closed.

I wanna thank you all for coming tonight. Now, before we read the tally,

I have a little announcement to make.

There is a rusted-out, 1969 Oldsmobile parked out front.

Would you please move your car?

You're not blocking anything, you're just embarrassing the school.

[laughing loudly]

Thank you, honey. Okay. Well, let's read the tally.

Oh, man. They're not gonna pin this on me.

It's not my fault. It was Barbra Jean's fault.

Oh, wow. Well, we didn't match what we did last year.

I knew it. I'm sneaking out the back.

Nope. We beat it by $1100!

[screaming] Oh my gosh. We did it!

We did it. I can't believe it.

Me neither.

- Oh my gosh. We're record-setters. - Oh, yeah.

You and me together are better than you.

[screams]

Oh my gosh, this is just so exciting. We broke the record.

Last time I broke a record I was the biggest baby born in Juno County.

Hey, hey, hey. Congratulations, you two. Look.

- Give me that tally. - Hey.

Oh, I mean-- [chuckles]

Before I get all excited, I just wanna make sure

that this could actually be happening to me.

This makes five years in a row that I've been married to

the woman who broke the record.

Glad we could help you with that.

Aha! Eight and seven is not-- Oh, yeah, it is 15.

Congratulations, you two geniuses. Hey, Barbra Jean, did you hear?

Some lady paid $150 for my football lessons.

Yeah, way to go. You run a real nice meat market here.

Cheyenne, let it go.

I just think it's weird that some woman wants to learn football from Van, okay?

It isn't weird. You wanted to learn football from me.

No, I didn't care about football.

I just wanted to touch your butt when you hiked me the ball.

Cheyenne, I'm a guy. You could've just asked to touch my butt.

In fact, you didn't even have to ask. Come on. Free. Free grabby.

- Oh. - Touch it. Come on.

Whew. Settin' records is pretty thirsty work, huh, co-chair?

[chuckles]

I could really go for a celebratory wine cooler.

Shh. Don't tell anybody.

[chuckles] Trust me. People just assume you drink.

Oh, boy.

It must really bug you that you have to share the credit with Barbra Jean.

Brock, the auction was a success. That's all that matters.

Good. Good. I'm glad to hear it because, you know,

I was worried that you'd be so jealous that you wouldn't host that party

that you always throw for all the volunteers.

- What? - You know, the one where you

and your new co-chair bask in the glory of your success?

Oh, yeah. Sorry to disappoint you, Brock, but I'm fine to do the party.

I'm happy to do the party.

I can't think of anything in this world I'd rather do.

- Well, good. - [chuckles]

Pencil in the eye. That's what I'd rather do.

Oh. Are we getting ready for our big football date with Terry?

Oh, Cheyenne, it's not a date.

Do you mind if I introduce you as my sister?

Okay. Cut it out.

You are totally flaunting your hotness, just like you did in high school

when you'd take your jersey off in front of the cheerleaders.

Okay, I had to. They were doing the "Van, take off your shirt" cheer.

Yeah. The one you taught them.

Cheyenne, why can't you trust me?

You can't even stand for another girl to talk to me.

Because you can't seem to talk without flexing your muscles.

All right, I always look like I'm flexing. That's just the way I'm built.

- Oh, please. - [doorbell rings]

Okay, there she is. Please, don't hang around

and make her feel uncomfortable

by standing around going...

[coughs] "Tramp." [coughs] "Tramp."

Uh, can I help you?

I'm here for my football lesson.

Wait a minute. You're Terry?

I certainly am.

And I know who you are. What's with the shirt?

- [laughs] - [giggles]

Hi, I'm Cheyenne... Van's sister.

- All right. Okay. - Okay.

All right, boys. I'll be in the kitchen on the phone.

I suddenly have something I have to tell everyone I know.

- It was nice meeting you. - You too, Terry.

Well, why don't you come in?

So, Terry... [nervous chuckle]

Why's a guy like you interested in football?

Well, my partner and his son watch football every weekend.

I don't know anything about the game.

I'd like to have something to say

other than how fabulous the avocado dip is.

Would you excuse me for just one second?

[chuckling] Avocado dip.

Cheyenne, Cheyenne. I think Terry might be gay.

[laughs] You only think?

[exhales] Okay, we need to do something.

I could go put something sexy on and try and turn him,

- but I really don't think that works. - All right, this isn't funny.

- I think he's attracted to me. - Of course he is.

Everyone is, honey. It's not your fault. You flex. It's the way you're built.

- Besides, I don't wanna be jealous. - No, no. I love it when you're jealous.

- [scoffs] - Especially when you drive

other people away from me. He's after your man.

- Oh! - Are you gonna stand for that?

It is the price I pay for being married to a hottie.

God!

Now, if you'll excuse me, my conference call is waiting.

[whistle]

I hope you don't mind. I started watching the tape.

No, no. Th-That's great.

See, why don't you take these home and watch 'em,

and we'll do a follow-up on the phone later.

Oh, but, uh, we're gonna do the hands-on stuff, right?

- What? - Well, you know, the huddle up,

and then we tackle each other?

Tag, you're it. Hup, hup, hup.

Oh, yeah.

All right. Wait. Oh, fumble.

- Fumble! - [both laugh]

Oh, this is fun.

- I love football. - Uh... Uh...

Terry, we need to talk. Um, I think you're a great guy,

and, uh... But, uh, this-this just isn't gonna work out.

- Why not? - I don't find you attractive.

I didn't realize that was part of the game.

Well, yeah.

I don't find you attractive either. Why are we talking about this?

I'm not making a judgment about being gay or not being gay--

Whoa! Gay? You think I'm gay? I'm not gay.

Yeah, right. I mean--

I mean, you talked about your "partner."

My business partner.

We own a jewelry store together.

He, I, my wife, Judy. A former Miss Houston.

- So, not gay? - Not gay.

Oh, well, then let's get this football lesson started.

I don't think so. Um,

I didn't realize you were using these football lessons

to meet men you're attracted to.

Whoa! Whoa!

Wait, wait. You think I'm gay?

I-I'm not gay. I'm married.

To your sister.

No. Wait a minute. Really, I'm not gay.

Well, I don't know why I would've thought so.

[grunts]

That's just the way I'm built.

See ya later, Mary.

It is not, Kyra.

Van, I'm just saying, a lot of gay guys wear their hair like that.

Hey, Reba.

Everybody's just dying to know the secret to our success.

You and I, we should write a book.

We could call it Outside the Box.

[chuckles]

Let's just finish this so I can get you outside the house.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.

Let's bring up the two women who are responsible for

our record-breaking auction,

Reba Hart and Barbra Jean Hart.

No relation.

Oh, gosh. Thank you so much.

You know, when they first approached me about doing this,

I don't mind telling y'all, I was scared.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But then, I remembered something

that made me as calm as a bunny in the sun.

I wasn't doing this alone.

I was doing this with one of the finest people

it has ever been my honor to call my friend, Reba Hart.

[nervous chuckle]

So let's give a big hand to the person really responsible for this: Reba Hart.

- Reba! Reba! - [chanting] Reba! Reba!

- [chanting continues] - Okay. Enough.

- Thank you, Barbra Jean. - Oh, Reba.

Well, I have done the auction for the last four years,

and it's been a huge success.

So, this year, I brought all my experience,

and I told Barbra Jean exactly what to do with it.

And she didn't do any of it.

Barbra Jean deserves all the credit.

She did it. She's the reason we set a new record. Barbra Jean.

[mouthing words]

- [chanting] Barbra Jean! Barbra Jean! - Oh!

Barbra Jean! Barbra Jean! Barbra Jean!

♪ And Reba ♪

[chanting continues]

[exhales]

Hey, Reba. Listen, that was really nice

of you to get up there and say what you did.

Well, I wasn't trying to be nice. I just said what happened.

Unfortunately, it just came out nice.

Come on, Reba. The auction was a huge success.

Why does it matter whose ideas they were?

I'll tell you why. Because--

[scoffs] during this process,

I learned something about your wife, Brock.

Contrary to the rumors I spread, she's not a ditz.

- Well, that's good. - No, it's not.

Do you have any idea how hard this is on me?

It's a heck of a lot easier to dislike someone when you think she's an idiot.

Well, I'm sorry for your loss, Reba,

but I'm gonna look at that as a good thing.

Yeah. I guess I should look on the bright side.

I mean, it's not like she's never gonna do anything stupid again.

Reba, I just had a great idea for next year.

Two words: donkey basketball.

[popping] Ha!

Didn't have to wait long, did I?

[closing theme music playing]