Original subtitles

I'm telling you, Mom. We heard it.

Yeah. It was like... Hee, hee, hee! Thunk!

Hee, hee, hee! Thunk!

Oh my gosh! There's a monkey with a peg leg in the kitchen.

But if it's a burglar, I have this.

Good. I'll run up and get my pom-pom, and we'll cheer him to death.

Hit him, Van, but do not break my baton. I'm not kidding.

Okay, I'll handle this.

[shouting] There's no money in the house. The old lady's divorced. We got jack.

[loud bang]

Oh, for cryin' out loud! Give me that.

No, no, no, no!

[Cheyenne] Don't--

It's nothing.

It's just that stupid tree branch banging on the side of the window.

- [relieved sighs] - I thought I told you to trim those.

Yeah, about that. [chuckles]

I didn't do it.

If you ever wake me up in the middle of the night again,

you better pray that there's someone

- armed and dangerous in our kitchen. - [choking] Okay.

[laughing] Man.

You were really scared, weren't you?

Yeah. Scared I might kill somebody.

It's okay, honey. It's only natural. We were all scared.

Yeah, for you, 'cause you're a girl.

But what if a guy like me grabbed you? What would you--

- [groaning] - [karate yells]

Let that be a lesson to you. That's what you get for not doing your chores.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

So Van was gonna scare off a burglar with Cheyenne's baton?

Do you know how dangerous that is?

Yeah. You're right, Brock. What if the burglar had a slide trombone?

It could've been a very violent parade.

Dad, it's really great that you're concerned,

but the noise in the kitchen was nothing.

Yeah, sure, this time.

But what if next time it's not a tree branch?

What if next time, it's a big, huge

pile of candy?

Or an ax murderer.

[mouthing words]

I meant, a dolphin.

- Good mornin'. - Mornin', Van.

Hey, Van, listen, the judge called.

The tree is guilty, and they're givin' it the wood chipper.

Leave him alone. He had every right to be scared.

I wasn't scared. So I wasn't the first person to rush in the kitchen.

Ever heard of "ladies first"?

Don't worry, Van.

You can borrow my night-light. It's a train.

[laughing]

You know what we should get? A gun.

- What? - We'll keep it in the refrigerator.

That way, when the burglar breaks in,

we can say, "Hey, before you take all our stuff,

how about a nice tall glass of Freeze!"

[yelps] That'd be great!

No. No guns. Not with Jake and--

[imitates gunshot]

No guns.

You should get an alarm.

You know what? I think she's right.

An alarm system is a great idea.

Right. Top-of-the-line. And Brock will pay for it.

Honey, wouldn't you be more comfortable just settin' my money on fire?

This is no time to be cheap, Brock.

Yeah. It's not like you're buying a suit.

I'm just sayin' they always try and stick you

with these expensive options that you don't need.

Automatic-dial 911. It's three digits.

How much faster can it be?

Okay. I'll shop around, try to find a good price.

No, no, no. If I'm payin', I'll shop around.

[scoffing] A panic button.

Hey, open the window and scream.

You know, I don't think we need an alarm system.

Now that I've been through this, I know what to expect next time.

Yeah. You'd wake me up to go, "Cheyenne, Cheyenne! Help me!"

You know what? I let you do your little move.

But if I came at you like this-- [yelps]

[loud thud]

I definitely need to learn that.

Very impressive, huh?

Has our little Cheyenne been to the neighborhood dojo

to learn the ancient art of karate?

No. One summer at cheerleading camp, they made us take a self-defense class.

I was voted Most Lethal... and Peppiest.

So you took only one class, and you can take a guy down like that?

There is tons of stuff that you can do to take down a guy.

- Van, come here. Let me show Mom. - No.

Leave me alone. Pound on your mother.

Hey, you know what? A self-defense class

would be the perfect thing for us girls to do together.

- Oh, that sounds-- - Not you.

Yeah, well, thanks for the quote on the alarm system, but

[chuckles] your price is a little too high.

See, we're tryin' not to get robbed.

[monotone] It's your call. You got a nice house here, a nice family.

But suit yourself.

- [rattles doorknob] - Oh, yeah, that oughta hold.

Oh, man. That guy was weird.

I hate a guy whose favorite expression is,

[monotone] "Boom. You're a dead man."

I can't believe how much these guys are charging

for a couple of motion detectors and a loud alarm.

You can buy a car for this kind of money.

And all those burglary stories he told us.

Doesn't he know any with a happy ending?

Van. Van, he's just trying to scare us into spending money.

I pull that stuff all the time with my dental patients.

I think I'll just install a less expensive alarm system myself.

Really? Like when you installed the garage-door opener,

and now we have to crawl through the window to get in?

And what is that garage door? Secure.

- Hey, guys. What's up? - Nothin'. Just, uh,

we menfolk are talkin' about how to protect you ladies,

because you need it. Whoa!

[scoffs]

[laughing] Gee, Van, why don't you just roll over

and show her your belly?

What'd you say?

Nothin'.

That's what I thought.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to My Body, My Fortress.

I am your instructor, Yvette Anderson.

Would any of you like to share with us why you're here?

All right. How about you?

- Oh, me? - Mm-hmm.

Well, we were just tryin' to find something

that we could do together as a family,

and this is just down the street from our house.

We've got the real nice colonial off Oak.

- [chuckles nervously] - We thought we had an intruder.

Oh, yeah. But actually it was a tree branch.

Ironically, it was a birch. [laughing]

You know, 'cause we're off Oak, and it was a birch.

- Mm-hmm. - [laughing]

- Are you a little nervous? - Yeah, a little bit.

Well, relax. None of this is difficult.

We'll just cover the basic concepts for self-defense for women,

the eye gouge, the throat poke,

and the knee snapper.

This'll be great.

After this, we can go to a bar and pick a fight.

Okay, first I need a couple of volunteers, you two,

to demonstrate my favorite move.

The groin kick.

Oh, Kyra, you might want to pay attention.

This stuff can get confusing later.

A groin kick?

I'm not confused about either part of that.

What would you do in that situation? You with the red hair and all the talking.

- What? - What would you do

in the situation I just described?

Uh, knee gouge?

I mean, uh, crotch snapper?

- I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't listening. - Mm-hmm.

Then what does that make her, class?

[all] Victim!

- Cheyenne? - Sorry. It was a lucky guess.

Okay. I need all of you to select a pair of gloves and some headgear

that you'll need for sparring.

Oh. We're gonna use this stuff? I mean, like for hittin' people?

Yes. It's very important that we have full contact.

We found that the biggest problem women have in learning self-defense

is actually having physical contact with someone else.

Oh. I guess I didn't realize that.

Uh, I don't think I can actually hit someone.

[chuckling] Oh, hi, guys.

Is this your class too? [laughs]

How did that crotch snapper go again?

Barbra Jean, we just got started. So I'll catch you up, okay?

So far, we've covered the groin.

[laughing] Kids.

They say the darnedest things.

What are you doin'?

I made it very clear I didn't want you here.

When? When I told you I didn't want you here.

Why can't you listen?

Because I'm entitled to take self-defense classes anywhere I please.

And you're not the boss of me.

I know. If I was your boss, we'd be sleeping together by now.

Look, Reba, I'm here, and I'm staying.

So why don't we set a good example for the kids

- and start out with a hug, okay? - Oh, get away from me.

- No, come on. - Stop it!

Very good role-playing. Okay, class. Class.

The little one is scared, and she's making that clear.

- But the big one isn't going away. - Oh, no, she isn't.

Okay, let's pair off for practice.

All right, Kyra, as soon as I get this baby on,

I'm gonna start wallopin' ya.

I don't have 20 minutes for you to figure out how to work a chin strap.

I can work a chin strap.

Oh, yay! This is gonna be so much fun.

It's just like line dancin', but with violence.

[humming, singing indistinctly]

Okay, all right. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Is this the part where we get to hit someone?

- Yes. - I call the big one.

Um, Miss Anderson, I think my chin strap is broken.

[whirring]

Okay. All that's left to do

is to move this picture over the hole no one can prove we made.

And we are done.

Which button fires the rockets?

There are no rockets, not for 89.99.

We didn't even get a warning sign.

We're gonna have to put this box on the front lawn.

Come on, Van. We've protected our womenfolk,

and we've saved some dough.

No one can put a price on safety, but, if they could,

I think they'd want it to be around $89.99.

Okay. All that's left to do is to pick the code.

- I wanna pick the code. - Oh, I don't know, Jake.

It's a pretty big responsibility.

Whoever picks the code has to promise to never, ever tell anyone.

It's like that time Daddy lost you at the zoo, and we didn't tell Mommy.

I won't tell.

Okay. You just punch in your numbers and press "Enter."

Well, we're all set. You can rest easy, Van.

There won't be any trees breakin' into this house tonight.

[whirring]

All right, Mr. H. That's startin' to bug me.

Everybody keeps sayin' I was scared when I wasn't scared.

- Were you scared? - Yes, I was scared.

But why? I've never been scared before.

Maybe you've never been scared before

because you didn't have a family to protect.

Of course. Cheyenne and Elizabeth.

If I ran, they wouldn't be able to keep up.

You know, Van...

when I was a kid, I didn't think I wanted to get married

because I didn't want to have to worry about anyone.

And then, when I did get married,

I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids for the same reason.

It's a lot to worry about.

Is that why you left?

- Aw, come on. - [forced laugh]

You've been giving me grief for three days now. Thanks, Mr. H.

Yeah, my pleasure.

- Hey, and listen. - Hmm?

Next time you wanna talk about this stuff,

why don't you do it with the other girls at the beauty parlor?

- [beeps] - Okay, got it.

Okay. Let's test this puppy out.

- Ready? - Yeah.

- [alarm shrieking] - [all whooping]

Hey, it works!

[shouting over alarm] Okay, Jake, what's the code?

You said not to tell!

[laughing] Oh, no.

I told you not to tell strangers, but I'm your dad.

Tell your dad.

Right now!

No way! You lost me at the zoo!

- [alarm continues] - Hey! Jake!

Get him, Van! Get him!

Okay. I think it's time for sparring.

Oh. Oh, this is gonna be so great.

You may not believe this, but, in my life,

people have made me the target of their cruel taunts.

Well, maybe it's because you don't know how to take a hint.

Or maybe it's because you're pokin' your nose in where you're not welcome.

No, I don't think that was it.

After my growth spurt in second grade

[scoffs] all the tiny girls

called me "Blonde-zilla."

I can still hear 'em. "Hey, Blonde-zilla,

why don't you go tip over a bread truck?" Ha ha!

[laughing] A bread truck?

Those tiny little ol' girls are funny.

Oh, this is gonna be so good.

I can finally work out some of my frustrations that I've kept inside

from all the people that have picked on me. Ow!

Miss Anderson. Reba hit me.

- Did you hit her? - No.

Yes, she did.

I think someone needs a time-out.

Well, I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but please wait until I give the signal.

Got it. Ow!

That's for bein' a tattletale.

You are being very immature.

I'm goin' to wait until the instructor-- Ow!

You go ahead and wait 'cause I'm havin' fun.

Miss Anderson? Miss Anderson, can we start yet?

- Go. - Yeah! All right!

All right. Come on. [groaning]

Get up, Barbra Jean! Get up!

No. Stay down, Barbra Jean! Stay down!

Barbra... Jean... Booker...

does not stay down.

You wanna dance, cowgirl?

Let's dance. Yeah! Huh! Over here!

Yeah! Hey, Reba!

Can you smell what Barbra Jean is cookin'? Huh? Ow!

Look at all the pretty colors.

Shake it off. You got another one comin', Blonde-zilla.

- What did you call me? - You heard me, Blonde-zilla.

- [grunts, whooping] - [groaning]

Okay. Okay. That's enough sparring.

Oh, really? That's enough? Oh, then, if it's over,

how come you keep hitting yourself, Reba?

Huh? How come you keep hitting-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Leave me alone!

Oh, yeah? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh. Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. [growls]

Where you goin', Reba? The action's over here!

[growling]

What are you lookin' at, tiny girl?

Get her off of me! Stop it!

- I'm gonna stop this. - Cheyenne, it's too late.

There's fights breaking out all over the place.

Wh-Where?

A little tougher than Van, huh?

- You want to see tough? - Yeah. I wanna see tough.

That is for my dollhouse. And that is for my favorite dress.

And that?

Well, that's just for fun.

I think I made my point. [scoffs]

[both panting, whimpering]

Okay. Time's up. Everyone stop sparring.

I'm glad that's over.

I wanna go home.

- [sighs] - [moans]

I didn't know it would feel so bad to win a fight.

You didn't win. I won.

You can't actually win unless you make someone cry.

- Like I did with Cheyenne. - You did not make me cry.

You hit me in the nose. Your eyes water automatically.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

- I got ya. - Ow!

[laughing] Ah! Yeah.

You know the weird thing? I feel closer to you, Barbra Jean.

I might actually look forward to seeing you

if I could pound on your head once in a while.

You know, you're not the first person to say that to me.

I feel closer to you too, Kyra.

Me too. It'll pass.

Hey, you wanna go pick on Van with me?

Sure. You hold him down, and I'll give him a wedgie.

Sweet.

Wow. It's amazing how well we're all gettin' along.

I wonder if that's why guys are always punchin' on each other.

I think it'd be cool to be a guy...

or a giraffe.

No. Eagle. Eagle'd be coolest.

Either stop talkin' or get in punchin' range.

What is this?

Oh, I guess the guys put up the alarm system.

Yep. There it is.

You know what'd be even cooler? A tiger.

A tiger with an eagle head.

We could call it a "teagle."

[alarm shrieking]

You know what'd even be better?

You get like a tiger, and it had like a giraffe neck with an eagle head.

- [alarm continues] - So it would have like a really long neck.

[closing theme music playing]