Original subtitles

No way. You loved her?

Absolutely. Girl of my dreams.

Wilma Flintstone?

Ah, you used like a girl in a tiger-skin dress.

Yes, I do.

Plus, I got a thing for them redheads.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but I have red hair.

[laughs] All right. Who's your cartoon crush?

Well, that's easy.

Ever since I was a little girl,

I always hoped for the day that I might be Mrs. Jughead.

And I'm not sayin' that just because you remind me of him.

[keys jangling]

Look. I'd invite you in,

but, like I told you, it's a nuthouse in there.

I'm only goin' in 'cause I have to.

Gotcha. I will call you tomorrow.

Why don't we do that car show on Saturday?

Okay. Yeah.

Brian... I really would invite you in.

Uh, but it's my kids.

They'd be all over you.

- Lot of questions-- - Yeah!

- And they'd get your wallet, your boots. - Hmm.

Look. The truth is...

I don't want my kids meeting Mommy's friend...

until Mommy's sure she's gonna be friends with her friend for a while.

- I just don't want my kids-- - Reba.

What?

My parents were divorced, and my mom had way too many friends.

I played catch with one time.

- I'm new at this. - And you're doin' it right.

Plus, I like these boots.

[Reba sighs]

- Brian Collins... - Mm-hmm.

...would you like to have dinner with my family on Thursday?

I'd love to.

No, wait. You're gonna be there, too, right?

[giggles] Yes.

- Ooh-ee. You can kiss. - [giggles]

Well, finally!

You kids have any idea what time it is?

[Reba] Van, shut the door.

[Reba] I meant with you inside.

It's inappropriate for you two to be on the porch

making out like a couple of French people!

- Van, go inside. - We have neighbors.

You wanna go live with them?

Two minutes.

Are you sure you wanna have dinner with us?

- I'm positive. - [giggles]

- Good night, Wilma. - Good night, Jughead.

- [Van] Oh! - [door closes]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[upbeat music plays and stops]

There's the lucky girl who gets to go to Barbra Jean's family reunion.

Actually, I was thinking I'd like to go away to boarding school... tonight.

It won't be that bad. Just think of it

as a bunch of people you haven't met yet.

Yeah, a bunch of people just like Barbra Jean.

Now, Kyra, your father and I have talked this over.

And we both agree that it's important for you to meet 'em.

Just remember, you're a part of Barbra Jean's family now.

[teasing] Na-na-na-na-na!

And since it's all the way up in Lubbock,

we're gonna drive there in a... a rented minibus.

Huh? How much fun will that be?

- Lubbock? - No, it's near Lubbock.

In a town called Fisheye Bottom.

It has the biggest slaughterhouse in the county.

Who's heard of it? Show of hands.

- What's it like there? - It's flat, real flat.

You stand on a coffee can, you can see Colorado.

Now, Reba, I just want you to know that you are welcome to join us.

Gee, I'd love to drive nine hours to meet those you sprung from,

but I'm gonna be busy this weekend putting my divorce papers in a gold frame.

Well, we're all just gonna have a great time!

And I can't wait for Brock to meet Big Daddy.

Big Daddy?

That's what they call him, honest to God.

Isn't he the one who wouldn't come to your wedding?

No. Well, yeah.

It's just Big Daddy's old-fashioned.

He doesn't like that this is Brock's second marriage.

He's very anti-divorce.

Hey, I used to be, too.

He did send us a couple of nice wedding presents.

Yeah, Barbra Jean got a lovely pearl necklace.

I got a gift certificate... for a tombstone.

[mouthing] No!

Okay, we'll pick you up Saturday at nine.

Oh! We are gonna have a real West Texas down-home good time!

Yee-haw!

Barbra Jean, honey, do we really have to do this?

Brock, I said, "Yee-haw."

Okay. Here we go, guys.

Brian's gonna be here any minute.

And, I want this to be a very nice family dinner.

All right. You got it, Mom.

Kyra, go get dressed.

- I am dressed. - Um, yeah, maybe to play kickball.

Don't worry, Mrs. H. We'll be on best behavior.

Now, Jake, let's keep those fingers out of the nose.

Van, knock it off. But, Jake, yes.

Mom? What if I don't like your friend?

His name is Brian. He's really nice.

He's smart. He's sweet, and he's really funny.

You'll like him.

But what if I don't?

[sighs]

You're my son, and I love you with all my heart.

And you love me.

And I like Brian.

So I bet you're gonna like him, too.

But what if I don't?

I bet you will.

- But what if I don't? - You're gonna.

- But what if I don't? - Jake!

[chuckles]

Why don't you meet him, and then we'll talk later? Okay?

- Okay. - Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh, I'll get it.

Okay. So, here we go.

This is gonna be fun. [chuckles nervously]

Everybody just relax.

We're gonna have a family dinner. No big deal. Be yourselves.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Casanova, keep your shirt on!

Van!

Hey! He's the one being rude.

He's gonna probably be very nervous. Make him feel comfortable.

- Hurry up and open the door. - Okay.

I wanna meet my new daddy.

- [Reba] Hey! - Hey.

Well, I didn't know what to bring,

so I made some homemade ice cream

with m&m's, gummy worms and chocolate mint.

- I like him. - [Reba chuckles]

[drum beats]

[upbeat music playing]

BRIAN: What can I do to help you?

I think I've got it covered.

Why don't you go in there and relax?

Come on! I'm handy in the kitchen.

I can unwrap a slice of cheese in under two minutes.

Of course, I'd need my special gloves.

[giggles]

I'm okay, really.

Why don't you go in the living room, with the kids?

[sighs] Oh! Right to the audition?

Okay, how do I look? Is my target on straight?

[laughs] It'll be fine.

Besides, if this doesn't go well, they're the ones I'm breaking up with.

[chuckles, inhales] All right. I'm ready.

[in deep voice] I'm going in.

I don't know about this Brian guy.

Why? He seems nice.

He has dead eyes.

I like him. He brought ice cream.

Yeah. But what if he's some ice cream psycho?

What if it isn't gummy worms in the ice cream?

What if it's real worms?

That would be cool!

What do you think of him, Kyra?

I've only spent a billionth of a second with him,

but I already like him more than I like Van.

You know, your Mom says he's a filmmaker.

You know what that means, don't ya?

♪ Bow chicka bow-bow ♪

Van! That is so...

♪ Bow-bow ♪

[coughs]

Yeah, that doesn't make me paranoid.

So, Brian...

Have a seat.

[screams] Not Daddy's chair!

Good one.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah, you look like a drinker.

Or are pills, your game?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

So, you and my mom, huh?

[giggles] That's neat.

What exactly was it that attracted you to her?

To be honest with you,

at first there was that "she's gorgeous" thing.

- [Cheyenne] Mm-hmm. - ♪ Bow chicka bow-bow ♪

Plus, she talks about you guys constantly.

That's a sign of somebody with a lot of room in their heart.

[both sigh]

She doesn't talk about us when you guys are out, does she?

She mostly talks about a certain young lady named Elizabeth.

- [giggles] - I've seen that photograph many times.

You have a beautiful child, Cheyenne.

I'll go wake her up.

Then there's Kyra, who gets stuck with the babysitting detail when we go out.

You, I owe big time.

I have change for a fifty.

Well, I got a different idea.

How about your mom and I take Jake with us sometime,

so you can revisit your life?

God bless you, sweet stranger.

[scoffs]

Well, you are just a sweet-talker, aren't you?

Ladies love that.

Me? I'm a different kinda animal.

You won't work your gigolo magic on me.

I love the fact that you're protective of Reba.

I mean, I am, too.

But when you say something like that,

you imply something about her that I don't...

I don't care for at all.

Now, I don't think that's what you meant to do.

Which is why I'm gonna let it go. Once.

Okay. Dinner's ready.

I like him.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

[upbeat music playing]

Okay, this is hilarious!

The Van, me,

takes the stuff out to the van we're driving in. Right?

So it's Van to the van, then Van in the van,

and then both vans are gone.

Isn't that thing a minibus?

Fine.

Okeydokey. I think I've got everything.

You better double-check. I remember once we went to your Grandma's,

and I left all your bottles in the fridge.

[both laugh]

- Course, I was young and stupid. - Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Fine. It's a van. Whatever!

How can the kids need this much stuff for one night?

Brock, they're gonna Fisheye Bottom. They'll need evening wear.

[groans]

Hey, a camera. That's a good idea.

Yeah. I'm gonna meet Barbra Jean's family.

If nothing, the flash will startle them.

Kyra!

Young lady,

this weekend you're gonna be polite and respectful.

Okay, Daddy. I'll really try.

And no sarcasm either!

No, no. Jake, honey, you brought enough toys.

It's not a toy. It's for when I puke.

Quit enjoying this!

[laughing] I'll try. It's just not easy.

I think your daddy's ready to go.

I'm not sure Dad wants to get there.

He circled a spot on the map and wrote, "Fake engine trouble."

What are you doing?

Making breakfast.

A grapefruit?

Don't you normally eat something good, like ham and sausage between pancakes?

I wanted a grapefruit. So?

Didn't you go to the gym yesterday?

I went out for a cheeseburger. I was in my sweats. It just happened.

Oh, my God. You are so cute.

But, Mom, you can relax. You have a great body.

Oh! [chuckles]

Well, this is an awkward mother-daughter moment.

Look. It's because Brian's got a hot body, right?

Mom, don't worry. Surely he thinks you look great naked.

I think your father is ready to go. Now!

Why are you so freaked out? We can talk about all this.

Cheyenne, stop. This is none of your business.

You are my child, not my girlfriend.

I appreciate your interest...

and that you think Brian has a hot body...

but this isn't something I'm comfortable talking to you about.

Mom, I may be your daughter, but I'm also a married woman.

I think this is great, as long as you two are being... careful.

You are being careful, right?

Cheyenne! Yes. Very careful.

One hundred percent foolproof careful.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Oh. I-- I just... I thought-- - No.

Not even a little bit?

I don't fully understand that question, but no.

Well, do you think you're going to?

I mean, if the opportunity presented itself?

Say you had the house to yourselves... for the entire weekend?

I'm gonna need another grapefruit.

Mom? Do you wanna?

[deep sigh] I don't know.

Okay.

You have to be ready just in case you decide you do wanna, you guys are safe.

First, you need to talk to him about his history.

His history? Uh-huh.

And I'm just supposed to bring that up over dinner?

[giggles]

How's your Brussels sprouts, Brian? Is your gravy too hot?

When was the last time you had a little ring-a-ding?

[chuckles] A ring-a-ding?

I've heard what you kids call it. I prefer ring-a-ding.

I don't think I can ask him about his history, Cheyenne.

Well, Mom, you have to.

You know, if you're gonna have safe ding-a-ling, you have to.

Ring-a-ding.

Whatever! Gee. Look, Mom.

a lot has changed since the last time you went through this.

Okay. Right.

- Thank you very much. Bye-bye. - Mom. Another thing.

Remember, every time you go out, you need your essentials in your purse.

- Essentials? - Mm-hmm.

Underwear, toothbrush, birth control, money--

Whoa! Am I going on a date or a sleepaway camp?

And what's this money thing? Do I have to tip for that too?

Mom, money is so that no matter where you are,

you can call a cab to go home. Okay?

- Yeah, okay. - [Cheyenne] Okay.

You know, you're pretty good at givin' the talk.

Hey, you and Kyra are gonna be in a minibus for eight hours--

Oh, no way. [chuckles]

Look, Mom. I know this is a really big step for you.

I mean, we all like Brian a lot.

No matter what happens between the two of you guys while we're away,

I'm sure it's gonna be wonderful.

[Elizabeth crying]

Just be careful.

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music continuing]

[crying]

Oh! I cannot believe the babies took turns crying the entire way!

[chuckles] Really? I didn't notice.

'Course, I couldn't hear them over the sound of me

pounding myself in the head.

How's the stomach, buddy?

Oh, better.

Next time bring your own pail.

Hey, where are all the freaks?

- I rode eight hours in a bus-- - Van.

Whatever. I want weirdos and nutcases.

Yeah, well, they're not here yet.

Hey, maybe I got lucky and Big Daddy's not coming.

Or maybe he just stopped along the way to gut a hitchhiker.

Oh, now, Brock, don't be nervous about meeting Big Daddy.

There's nothing to worry about.

So he has a lot of guns and drinks a bit.

He drinks?

All right. This was great. I enjoyed Fisheye Bottom.

I especially enjoyed the gas station attendant with the tiny head.

- Now can we go back to Houston? - We're not going anywhere.

If we leave, it'll look like we're running.

Nothing brings out a hunter's instinct like prey on the run.

Don't be silly.

Big Daddy's as grateful as I am that you all decided to come.

And how could he not love this little face?

- Let go. - Okay.

[man] All right. Let's get some chow.

Here they come.

- [Barbra Jean squealing] - [man] There's my little girl.

Big Daddy! [laughs]

This is Henry.

Right there, those are my daddy's eyes.

[exclaims] And this is my husband, Brock.

Of course he's your husband. He's everybody's husband.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

[light music playing]

[light music continues]

[rustling]

[rattling]

[music fades]

[quirky music crescendo]

[music stops]

[upbeat music playing]

[Reba] That restaurant was good again tonight.

We should make that our place.

- I only have one question. - [Reba] What's that?

Why did you hand your underwear to the valet?

It was very good service.

[keys jingling]

Well, here we are. [sighs]

Maybe I oughta pop my head in and say hey to the kids.

It's a little late. Maybe tonight wouldn't be a good night for that.

- Then I will take a kiss. - Okay.

[crickets creaking]

Ooh! That garlic bread was good, wasn't it?

[laughs]

- Good night. - Good night.

Uh, Brian?

Actually, uh, my kids are gone for the weekend.

They went away with their dad and his wife.

Oh. How about that?

Yeah, how about that? [chuckles]

But, you know, I... I don't know if I'm, you know, ready yet.

- Oh, no. Sh... Hey! - Yeah.

- Of course. I understand. - Yeah. Okay.

How about now?

Now? How's now for you?

[laughing]

I'll call you, okay?

Okay. Hey, wait a second.

Isn't "I'll call you" what guys say when they're not gonna call?

- Reba. - What?

- I'll call you tomorrow morning, okay? - Okay.

- Okay. Night. - Okay. Good night.

[crickets chirping]

Hey, Brian?

- Wanna come in? - [Brian] Excuse me.

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music continues]

Hey, Brock, you remember my sister, Katie Ann, and her husband, Trent.

Hey, Trent. How ya doing? Good to see you again!

Katie Ann. [chuckles]

Say, uh, your dad's not packin', is he?

Oh, don't be silly. [laughing]

Of course he is.

- We met little Henry. - Oh, he's so cute!

And he doesn't have big giant Barbra Jean feet.

Well, he's just a baby. [chuckles]

It took me all my life to grow big giant Barbra Jean feet.

Hi, Big Daddy!

Hey, Brock. If you're gonna hide,

I'd stay away from the rabbit-fur coat there.

If that thing moves, someone's liable to shoot it.

[chuckles] No, I'm not hiding.

I'm just taking a break,

and, you know, going through people's pockets lookin' for loose change.

So, technically, I'm stealing. I'm not hiding.

Look. I know you're afraid of Big Daddy.

I used to hide from him too.

And now you're gonna say his bark is worse than his bite?

No. The bite is way worse.

And there's no avoiding it when you marry one of his girls.

Just wanted to thank you for taking the heat off me.

Hey, what's he hates you for?

Moving Katie Ann to San Francisco and having a pet cat.

See, according to Big Daddy, real men don't own cats.

Yeah, well, he's got a point there.

Look, eventually, he's gonna find you, so you might as well go face him now.

It'll hurt, but at least you'll get it over with.

[Big Daddy] So the guy says, "'Grab him?' I thought you said, 'Stab him!'"

[laughing]

[chuckles] That's a good joke.

It's not a joke. It's a true story.

Well, look who crawled out from under a table.

It's Doc. Isn't that what your friends call you, Doc?

Actually, they don't. I don't really like that.

Good. Then I'll call you Doc.

Boys, this is my son-in-law.

You are still my son-in-law, right?

I have to check, 'cause this boy loves gettin' divorced.

Maybe I should start callin' you Splitty.

You know, suddenly Doc doesn't sound so bad.

[laughs]

I guess in Houston,

they play fast and loose with the institution of marriage.

Me, I been married to Big Mama for 56 years. Never left her.

Probably 'cause she is too ugly to kiss good-bye.

That's a joke, Doc.

Oh, huh. I couldn't tell, 'cause, well, it wasn't funny.

What's that?

You know, jokes about your wife. I don't get that.

I also don't do that.

I love my wife.

Which wife would that be, Doc? Number one or number two?

Yeah, okay, fine. I am divorced.

I loved someone else, and it didn't work out.

Now I love Barbra Jean. I love her.

So I care about what she thinks of me. Not you.

So, if you don't like me,

well, gee, I'll just have to figure out some way to live with that.

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music continues]

[music stops]

Gosh, it's quiet in here.

Yeah, it is. Maybe 'cause there's no other people here.

Yeah. They've all gone to Lubbock. [chuckles]

So, even if they left Barbra Jean's family reunion right now,

the kids wouldn't be back until morning.

Boy...

it just got quieter in here. [giggles]

[sighs]

This is nice.

Just a second. It's awfully light in here.

How's that?

Yeah, much better. I was almost totally blinded.

You want something to drink?

Maybe we shouldn't drink, I mean, alcohol.

But I'm thirsty. You want some juice?

Reba, hang on a second. Have a seat.

Okay. [sighs]

[sighs]

I'm not just gonna jump on you.

Really? 'Cause that might be easier.

I'm sorry. I... I just don't know how this goes.

Whatever you wanna happen is what's gonna happen.

So it's up to me?

That's not the way I remember it.

Would you like a suggestion?

Give me a tour of the house.

- But you've already seen the house. - I haven't seen every room.

Oh.

The tour.

- Right. Let me get my little hat. - Okay.

So, where would you like to start?

Where would you like to start?

Well, um, have you seen the backyard yet?

Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet and hands inside the car.

[upbeat music playing]

What?

Kenny said he'll give me five dollars if you let him kiss you.

[audience laughing]

I've got a better deal.

I'll give you ten seconds to get out of here.

She means it.

So, Kyra, what do you think of Fisheye Bottom?

I would imagine the suicide rate is high.

Cheyenne, can we leave this dump?

Kyra, you're being rude.

Sorry. Can we leave this dump, please?

It's almost like she's trying to be rude on purpose.

Oh, she's a good kid.

Oh, she's just at that awkward age.

I remember with Barbra Jean it was 12 through...

Well, how old are you now, Barbra Jean?

A lady never reveals her age.

Aw, you tell them or I will.

30!

So, I'm just biding my time, and finally, his head pops up and bang!

I nail him right between the eyes.

That's great, Doc. [clears throat]

You say that's called Whack-a-Mole?

Dad, can we go? I swear I heard a banjo.

Hey, Kyra. Why don't ya come say hi to your new grandfather?

- Here. Sit between us. - [Big Daddy] Hey, Kyra!

Sweetie, you can call me Big Grandaddy.

Chances of that are slim.

Dad?

Would you excuse us for a second, Big Daddy?

Kyra, we are not leavin', so just make the best of it.

Well, why don't you give me the room key, and I'll go watch the moving picture box?

I'm having a real problem with your attitude.

Where'd you get the idea that you're much better than everybody else?

Most of it's through comparison.

Knock it off.

Now, when we came here, none of us expected to have a good time,

but we've all managed to find somebody that we have something in common with.

I mean, look at me and Big Daddy.

Turns out he's a big gun collector, and I'm afraid he's gonna shoot me.

- Dad-- - No.

Sometimes we do things we don't want to do for people we care about.

Doc, get back here.

And sometimes we do things for people with guns.

Hey, Kyra. Havin' a good time?

Well, I wasn't, but then I had some Jell-O.

Are you having a good time?

- Why would you ask that? - Are you?

Of course. It's a family reunion.

[quirky music playing]

So... this is, uh, my room.

Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, well, it's where I, you know, sleep.

Yeah, I figured, with the bed and all. That's a nice mattress.

- It is? - Yeah, it feels like a good one.

Well, I think it's a good mattress.

But... what if it isn't?

I mean, what if it isn't, and I... I don't know it?

What if I think it's a perfectly fine mattress...

and then somebody who's slept on a lot of different mattresses comes along...

and sleeps on it and says, "Man, that's a bad mattress."

[giggles]

"I'm never gonna sleep on that mattress again!"

That's a lot of pressure on my mattress.

- Reba. - Do you?

- Do I? - Sleep on a lot of different mattresses?

- Ah, no. Actually, I sleep on a futon. - [exhales]

But it's funny, 'cause, for a minute there,

I thought you were gonna ask me about women.

[chuckles nervously] Whatever.

Reba, since my wife passed away, I have been with two women.

Nobody for over a year.

Last spring when I changed my life insurance,

I had a complete physical, and everything was fine.

Do you have a letter from that doctor?

[sighs]

- So, what about you? - What about me what?

Oh.

Oh, no. No. I haven't been with anybody except Brock.

Oh, and Mel Gibson, once in a dream. [laughs]

No pressure. [laughs]

I hear he sleeps on a futon, too.

Just a second.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

My kids. [chuckles]

[clattering]

[laughs]

[sighs] Brian, I don't think I can do this.

I mean, I don't think I can do this in here.

Oh. Okay.

You wanna run down to the couch?

My kids watch TV on that couch!

Okay, well, how 'bout, uh, um, um...

Man, I wish I'd paid attention during that tour.

Well, you know...

How 'bout your place?

[sighs] It's an hour away!

Although, tonight, I could probably drive it in 15 minutes.

[laughs]

- I got an idea. - What?

There's this bed and breakfast I stay at when I'm working in town.

That sounds good. What's it called?

The Sagebrush Motel. I added the breakfast part.

It's really nice, though. They wrap the glasses in paper.

That sounds like fun.

Hey, we can send people postcards.

Nah, I don't think so.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

[upbeat music playing]

I was on drill team.

As a matter of fact, my adviser said that I was a role model for the whole squad.

- [gasps] - You know, until I got pregnant.

Oh, the main thing is you were out there.

After all, it's the pep squads that hold the school together.

Katie Ann was head cheerleader.

You're kidding.

That is why we played, right? To impress the pretty girls cheering for us?

Or to make our dads shut up.

[chuckles awkwardly]

I was at the games, too.

I was in band.

Oh! It was so hilarious! She played the trombone!

She was always knocking the hat off the boy in front of her.

- [toots] - It was a huge joke in school.

[giggles]

Oh! You have got to hear my cousin tell the story

about when Barbra Jean cut her own hair.

Aah!

Gwen! The cue ball story!

Oh, my sister's so funny.

Really? She seems like a bitch to me.

Kyra, you may not use language like that.

It is inappropriate.

And you're wrong.

She's funny.

Why do you laugh when she makes fun of you?

She's not making fun.

She's, she's telling stories.

Strange how in all her stories you sound like an idiot.

Didn't she ever do something that you thought was stupid?

[scoffs]

No.

Ever?

No matter what she wants you to believe, she's not perfect.

Yes, she is.

I mean, you know what it's like having an older sister.

Yeah, I do. But I've trained mine to fear me.

[Katie Ann laughing]

Pull your hair back real tight, Barbra Jean.

Everybody wants to remember what you looked like bald!

[laughs]

Okay, Katie Ann.

But first, I just got to tell the story

about the time you peed yourself on the roller coaster!

- [all exclaiming] - [Katie Ann chuckles nervously]

Barbra Jean, nobody wants to hear that story.

I do.

Me, too.

Well, the trouble started when somebody slammed a 40-ounce Big Gulp.

Mmm?

I guess we know now why it was called The Whizzer.

[all laugh]

Upstairs, bro! Oh!

[upbeat music playing]

I think it was that blinking motel sign.

I mean, there we were, getting ready to check in with no luggage or anything.

It just made it look like we were there for only one reason.

Well, we kinda were.

That desk clerk sitting there reading the Bible didn't help either.

I-- I just didn't think I could feel comfortable there.

Reba, maybe this isn't about finding a place

that you're gonna feel comfortable.

I mean, maybe this is a bigger issue than that.

Brian, I really like you. A lot.

But I don't know yet if I love ya.

And I don't think you're ready to say you love me.

If it'll get you upstairs, I am.

Look. See, that's just it. I don't think people should, you know...

Ring-a-ding?

Yeah. I don't think people should ring-a-ding to see if they fall in love.

I think people should ring-a-ding because they're already in love.

That'd be good on a coffee mug, wouldn't it?

Or a bottle of Viagra.

Man, things have changed.

But you know what?

I haven't.

I'm still the same person I was

before I did it the first time.

Which is probably why you're gonna break up with me just like Tommy Johnson did.

Tommy Johnson was an idiot.

And I'm gonna call you tomorrow morning between 9:00 and 10:00 a.m.

Okay.

Good night, Wilma.

Good night, Jughead.

How about now?

Go on now.

Oh, Brian. Wait a sec.

You got a long drive.

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music continues]

Hey, honey. Welcome back. How was your trip?

Forget about that. What happened?

Oh. Well, it's a little embarrassing.

What? What's embarrassing?

Well, we got a little tipsy, went down to Mexico.

Long story short, go up and say hi to your new daddy.

- You're not gonna tell me, are ya? - Bingo.

[chuckles]

But, Cheyenne, thanks.

Aw, you're welcome.

Well, how was it?

- Am I insane? - [Reba] Hmm.

Oh, 'cause I have to be insane. I mean, it's obvious.

I rented a minibus for a nine-hour road trip,

filled it with two screaming babies,

two boys who fought over a puke pail,

two sisters whose entire conversation consisted of "No, you shut up,"

and a woman who sang a version of "Kumbaya"...

that would make Billy Graham put his fist through a stained-glass window!

Oh, yeah. Huh. The trip was great!

Barbra Jean, honey, let's go!

Comin', Brock!

- Well, I guess I should be goin'. - Okay.

Thanks for comin' with us.

Sure, no problem. I had fun.

I especially liked seeing your sister cry.

[giggles] Me, too.

- Good bye, Kyra. - Bye.

[soft music playing]

[Barbra Jean sighs awkwardly]

[sighs] Oh.

- [Barbra Jean sighs] - [Reba] Bye, Barbra Jean.

[Barbra Jean] Bye-bye.

[singing] ♪ Kumbaya, my Lord... ♪

I don't think I'd sing that in the car if I were you.

Oh, I missed you so much. So, you survived the trip. How was it?

Mom, we're talking about Barbra Jean's family.

You know how it was. They were a bunch of freaks.

- There was only one normal person there. - Who was that?

- Oh, you don't know her. - Oh.

[light music playing]

[theme music playing]