Original subtitles

Egyptians! It's the Egyptians!

Wait. Make it into a question. Who are the Egyptians?

Persians?

Well, the Egyptians are the answer to some question.

I know that.

[door opens]

- Hey. - Hey.

I'm goin' to the hardware store, or as I like to call it,

Men "R" Us.

Is there any place you won't go to pick up a man?

Yeah. The museum.

You wanna come with me?

Look, I don't think I'm comfortable with the idea

about goin' someplace and gettin' picked up.

I think, if I stay home and bide my time,

that eventually Mel Gibson will run out of gas out front,

and I'll take him in and

never let him go. [giggles]

- [knocking] - Knock, knock.

Who's there? Moron.

Moron who? Moron who says "knock knock" when he comes in a room.

Well, well, well. Look at you, Lori Ann.

It's a nice dress. Does it come with a volume knob?

For your information, Brock,

I am taking your ex-wife out to meet a better class of man.

- Where are you goin'? - Anywhere really.

Why don't you two get a room?

Besides, I told you I'm not goin'.

You know what, Reba? I think it's a good idea.

- What? - What?

Yeah. It's been long enough, Reba.

Maybe it is time you started dating.

Wait. You two agree that I should go out dating?

- Yes, we do. - Absolutely.

Wow.

If the two of you agree on something, then maybe I should do it.

Who knows? Maybe I'll meet somebody in that new ice rink down in hell. Ha!

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Is this your card?

No, it isn't. Are you sure you know how to do this trick?

Uh-huh. Is this your card?

Reba, are you about ready?

It's not fair. Why can't you stay home and babysit Jake?

You're married, with a kid. I still have a life.

Kyra, what is the big deal? I used to babysit you.

Yeah, right. You used to stick me in my room,

so you could sit on the couch and make out with your boyfriend.

Oh, right. [giggles]

Is this your card?

Yes, it is.

You finally got it right.

You don't have to do it anymore...

to anyone.

Where you goin', honey? To get my magic hat.

Lord! Reba, we gotta move. He's gettin' his magic hat.

I don't know, Lori Ann. I feel a little weird about tonight.

Don't get me wrong. I do wanna meet somebody.

But what if I go out there and try really hard

and wind up with a bunch of "No, thank yous"?

Oh, honey, they don't say thank you.

Okay, Kyra, I told you everything, right?

You told me I have to give up a night with my friends,

so you can go barhopping with yours.

Yeah, but do you know the numbers of the bars

we're gonna be hoppin' at?

Mom, don't worry about her. She's gonna do a good job.

I know. If I didn't, I wouldn't have put her in charge.

At least she won't be making out on the couch with her boyfriend all night.

Mom, he was not my boyfriend.

All right. It's time for Reba and Lori Ann to ride again.

Like we used to say, the night is young, and--

Well, at least the night is still young.

[laughing]

- Knock, knock. - Who's there? Moron.

Moron who?

Never mind. What you need, Barbra Jean?

Well, I heard someone was goin' out

hopin' to meet other someones,

and I thought, "I've got to lend Reba my lucky bracelet."

Well, thank you, Barbra Jean. That's very thoughtful.

It's the one I was wearin' when I met Brock.

You know, I'm curious. Who do you think you're saying these things to?

Well, I also figured that I could give you a few tips.

Now, as you know, before I settled down,

I had a bit of a wild streak.

And I thought that you could benefit from the results of my sinful research.

No-No offense, honey, but she's goin' with me,

and I'm still researchin'.

Okay then. I guess you know Richie's is now a gay bar,

and Hatter's has gone very young.

Sherman's has a wonderful lawyers, but the music's too loud.

Better off at Hannigan's, but leave after happy hour

'cause that's when the used car salesmen show up.

Have fun, ladies.

You know, I am surprised I've never bumped into her before.

Isn't she the cutest? She's my first grandchild.

And here's the rest of my family. See? Right there.

That's a houseful, huh? [laughs]

Yeah, you wouldn't think I'd be lonely.

- [object drops] - Oops. Excuse me.

Oh, that's all right. And then here's the--

Okay, honey, that's the third time. I don't think it's them.

Look, Reba, your children are only cute to you.

You have to talk about something interesting.

Well, I guess I can talk about my work.

You know, the other day, I got two appointments mixed up,

and the wrong Mr. Smith came in for a teeth-cleanin'. [laughing]

- That was a hoot. - Okay. Forget about "interesting."

You need to lie.

- I can't do that. - Sure, you can.

I tell men I'm a Romanian gymnast.

Men love a flexible woman who can't speak English.

Look, if a man can't accept the fact

that I'm a hard-workin' woman raising three kids and a grandchild

and tryin' to blend two mortgages into one low monthly payment, then--

Oh, my God. I am boring.

- Oh. - [cell phone ringing]

Hello. Cheyenne, is everything okay?

Fix my hair? Why? What's wrong with my--

Wait a minute. How can you see my hair?

Oh, my gosh.

What are you guys doin' here?

I had to come down here and make sure you were doin' okay.

Oh, your mom is okay. She's wearin' that new perfume,

Eau de Get-the-Hell-Away-From-Me.

Really? I can't believe guys aren't asking you out.

You both look very nice.

- Well, thank you. - Get away from him.

We're doin' just fine. And don't worry about me. I'm goin' home.

Good. 'Cause this place is smoky and sleazy.

It smells like baby poop.

Oh, boy.

Look, Mom, there's something on campus

that might be a better way for you to meet men than in a smoke-filled bar.

- I'm not goin' to a frat party. - Which fraternity?

It's not a frat party.

Is it AA? 'Cause they smoke there too.

No. It's called Insta-Dating. You meet a bunch of men for a couple of minutes,

and then if you don't like each other, you move on.

It's-It's like "trial size" dating.

Like a little tray of man samples. I love it.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Insta-Dating.

Did everyone fill out their date cards?

Today you're each gonna meet 10 or 12 different people,

and one of them could be that special someone.

Remember, you don't have much time,

so get right to the essence of who you are.

Except for you. Get to the essence of someone interesting.

Well, that's enough about me. What about you?

Switch!

Nice to meet you, first guy. [laughs]

Hi. My name's Reba. Maybe you should go first.

Relax. I've done this before. My name is Fred, from Atlanta.

Parents worked in a factory. Happy childhood. I sell cars. Toyotas.

One child, previous marriage. Impossible woman.

Enough about me. Tell me about yourself. Go!

Oh. Well, uh, okay. All right.

Me, from Texas. Uh, ex-husband. Uh, dumped. Cheatin' bimbo.

And, uh, well, I'm single. Guess you already know that. [laughs]

Uh, red hair. You know that too.

Oh, my gosh. Look, why don't I just tell you

- what I think's important in a relation-- - Switch!

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Hank. I like to make people laugh.

That's nice. I'm Reba.

[imitating accent] That's nice. I'm Reba.

- I'm sorry? - I'm sorry?

Wait. Are you just gonna repeat everything I say?

- That's not funny. - Yes, it is.

- Hey! You missed one. - Hey! You missed one.

- I like men. - I like me--

- Switch! - Switch.

I'm Hank. I like to make people laugh.

- Hi there. - Hi there.

I swear, if you're gonna sit there and repeat everything I say,

I'm gonna slug you.

[laughing] Got it. Thanks for the warning.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've never done this before.

Glad to hear it. I think if you're experienced at this,

not a good thing.

Amen. So, why are you here?

Friend dragged me. Said I don't get out enough.

I got a friend like that. She's from Romania. [laughing]

Hi. I'm Reba. Reba, I'm Brian.

Uh, so here's my essence.

I live in Katy. I got two dogs, no kids.

I make documentary films for a living.

And you ain't never heard of none of 'em.

Wow. A filmmaker, huh? That's exciting.

Well, I live here in Houston. Uh, no dogs. Three kids.

And I, uh--

I write children's books. And, no, you haven't ever heard of any of 'em.

[laughing]

You've got a beautiful smile.

Well, thanks. This is nice.

- Switch! - Wait a minute. We just got started.

Excuse me. I'm next.

- Hold your horses. - They're not switching.

- Would you like to go out sometime? - Really? I'd love to.

Switch! Everyone switch!

I'm not switchin'. I'm done.

Stop it! I said stop it! [pops lips]

[inaudible]

Man, I can't believe I told such a stupid lie.

Why did I tell him I was a writer?

I should've told him I was a spy.

Well, there'd be no way for him to check that out.

Relax, Mom. You're not gonna talk about your career tonight.

- [sighing] Oh. - Not if you want the date to go well.

Oh, and don't talk about your kids.

He'll think you want more or be bummed that you got 'em.

- Okay. I'm barren and childless. Got it. - Mm-hmm.

- And laugh at his jokes. Men love that. - What if they're not funny?

They won't be, but laugh anyway.

Mom, Kyra's being mean.

Sometimes the truth hurts.

Jake, go take your bath. I'll deal with her.

Kyra, are you gonna torture him all night?

No. I'll probably get tired and take a short break.

You're not gonna ruin this for me, young lady.

And let me remind you. Someday, Jake's gonna be bigger than you are.

I wouldn't count on it. I let him smoke when you're gone.

She really lights up a room, doesn't she?

She's havin' a hard time right now.

I mean, things are finally settled down around here,

and then your mom starts datin'.

That's a tough adjustment for a kid.

Plus you just became a famous writer, like, two days ago.

Well, all right. All ready for bowling, Cheyenne?

Now, remember, Mrs. H, dating is easy.

Just relax, have a nice conversation.

Oh, and if the guy gets happy hands, stick a key in his windpipe.

Don't make her more nervous than she already is.

[chuckles nervously] It'll be okay.

I mean, what's it been, 20 years since my last date?

Whoa. That's longer than I've been alive.

Look, Mom, this date is gonna be great.

And if it isn't, I'm gonna give you an easy out.

Halfway through the date, I will give you a call,

and I will give you a phony excuse to leave.

If the date's going great, then just hang up on me. It's foolproof.

Cheyenne, that's an awful thing to do. Do not call me.

Hey, it works. I remember, one time,

I had a buddy call and tell me my dog ate a spark plug.

[laughing]

Van, you were with me when that happened.

What?

No, no. See, you're thinkin' of the time--

We need to go. Come on.

So, listen, I hope I'm not bugging you with all these questions.

It's just that I find it fascinating that you write children's books.

[chuckles nervously]

You sure do.

So, um, what are you working on now?

Now?

Oh, well, um--

It's a book about a-- a duck.

A small duck.

Uh, and the book's called, uh, The Small Duck.

And, uh, what's the duck's name?

Ducky?

No, I love that. And, so, what happens?

Oh. Well, um,

I'm just kind of in the beginning stages right now.

But, uh, the story's about this, uh,

small duck who gets caught in a, uh, big rain.

[laughs] And, uh, well, he learns about all that kind of stuff.

You know.

Good salad, huh?

I like the crunchy things. What are these, pine nuts?

[laughing]

Oh. That sounded like a joke. You know? "What are these? Pine nuts?"

[giggles]

[clears throat]

Reba, am I, uh... Am I, uh [clears throat] making you uncomfortable?

No, No. I just don't like to talk about myself that much.

So, why don't we talk

- about something else? - [cell phone rings]

Oh, excuse me. Just a second here.

[ringing]

Cheyenne, I told you not to-- Kyra?

Is everything okay? Sorry. Just a moment.

I told you to only call me in an emergency.

Well, that's not an emergency.

Well, okay. Just write "sprinkles" on the grocery list, okay?

Fine. Goodbye.

- Sorry. A little crisis at home. - No, no. Sure.

Yeah. So, you got "the call."

- And I guess you're gonna be goin'. - What?

Reba, I'm sorry I was bugging you with all those questions about your writing.

It's just I am so incredibly nervous.

No, no. You're not buggin' me.

Reba, please. I was gettin' on my own nerves.

You know, there's only so many "duck" questions.

No. I think it's very wonderful

that you're so interested in what I do.

[chuckles nervously]

I just wish I did it.

What?

I lied. I don't write children's books.

Maybe you should do a documentary

on people who lie to impress other people.

Yeah, well, about that.

Uh, I don't exactly make documentaries.

Oh, no. I make 'em. It's just nobody buys 'em.

So, to pay the bills, I do those cheesy late-night commercials.

Oh, you mean like Wild Bill's Auto Roundup?

[laughing] Thank you for knowing my work.

[laughing]

- Okay. Why don't we start fresh? - Okay.

I work at a dental office. I have three children and a grandchild.

Well, then you've gotta have pictures.

- Oh, you bet I do. - [chuckling]

- This is Elizabeth. - Oh.

She's nine months old.

Isn't her scalp beautiful?

[both laughing]

[inaudible]

Jake, what are you doing up?

You know Mom doesn't let you watch late-night TV.

And are you eating cookies on the couch?

My Double Stufs.

Did you finish the entire bag?

[muffled speech]

What?

He said, "Kyra called Mom on her date." What, are you deaf?

- Come on, you. Bedtime. - My stomach hurts.

Well, deal with it, cookie pig.

- Why did you call Mom on her date? - I was bored.

Look, Kyra, I know what's been going on.

You know, things started to settle down around here,

and then Mom starts to date.

That's a big adjustment on a kid.

I just want you to know that it is okay to hurt.

Thanks for that insight, oh, great, wise teen mother.

Then what is it? This can't just be about the stupid babysitting thing.

Yes, it is.

I don't think I should have to waste my life, so she can go on her dates.

That is so selfish, Kyra.

I mean, Mom does a ton of stuff for us,

and, what, she wants to go out once every 20 years?

Don't you think she deserves to be happy?

- No. - What?

I don't want her to be happy, okay?

Divorced people aren't supposed to be happy.

What are you talking about?

They promised to be together forever.

They couldn't manage to do that, so they should have to live with their mistakes.

So, what about Dad, Kyra? You wanna punish Dad too?

Barbra Jean is taking care of that.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I think Mom is being punished.

The divorce, she had to find a job,

Van and I are living here with the baby.

I mean, would you want her life?

[door opens]

Hey, Kyra.

You okay?

I hadn't heard from you in the last half hour.

I was startin' to worry.

I'm sorry I called you so much tonight, Mom.

You are? Why?

I just am. I guess I was... selfish.

- Well, you should be sorry. - I am.

Good.

- Thanks, sweetie. - Oh. Okay, okay.

I said I'm sorry. Let's not get all "after-school special" about it.

Wow. An apology.

I must be gettin' good at this "mother-and-daughter talk" stuff.

I think that was a record.

- Yep. You're fantastic. - Yeah.

So, tell me about your date.

- Oh, it went well... eventually. - Mm-hmm?

He asked me out to dinner next weekend.

You know, if you keep your lies straight, this might go on for a while.

That's okay, Cheyenne. I told him the truth.

That's one great thing about dating as an adult. No games.

Right.

So, did he kiss you?

Hmm-hmm! No, but he held my hand all the way to the car.

[both laughing]

[theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]