Original subtitles

Okay, Louise. That's everything.

You're ready to take over. Now, remember,

you don't have to be as good as I was,

just better than Reba was.

- Lookin' for anything in particular? - No.

Just, you know-- When employees steal office supplies, we all pay.

Who pays when they steal husbands?

Go ahead. Take a stapler.

Here you go, Reba.

I wrote you a great letter of recommendation.

Basically, I lied.

I wasn't that bad.

Really? Because the truth would sound like,

"Reba worked here for three days, then quit,

forcing me to hire someone else at twice the pay."

Hey, I might've stayed for twice the pay.

Nah.

Hi, Brock. Cheat at golf lately?

Hello, Eugene.

Gee, I guess a stack of malpractice suits will make a guy hostile.

Hi, Dr. Fisher.

Did you come over to borrow a cup of Novocain?

I just found out that my Louise is now working for you.

- Poacher! - Don't worry. You'll find someone.

You know, there are a lot of people who want to work for a moron with bad breath.

Yeah, I just had a job like that.

Say, I'd be perfect to replace your Louise.

- Reba. - So are you available?

- Eugene. - Yes, I am.

- Reba. - I'll see you tomorrow.

- Eugene! - Game, set, match!

[sighs]

Look, Brock, I know you and Eugene have some problems,

and maybe my workin' over there will make you uncomfortable.

[scoffs]

But you gotta understand. For me, it's gonna be a hoot. [chuckles]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Okay. Just so we're all clear on this,

I'll be home at 5:30 and take over from Mrs. Wolf.

And we're going to have a grand time.

- We can bake homemade bread. - Cool!

And maybe later, Kyra, we could braid your hair.

Braids. I'll be the envy of every girl in the village.

Oh, it's going to be fun. I've got a box of sugar cubes in the car.

- We can make an igloo. - Oh, wow.

"The car"? I wouldn't let her operate the dishwasher.

Seriously, Mom, anybody would be better than her.

Van would be better than her.

Can't you quit your stupid groundskeeping job and stay home with us?

Not on my second day. Especially since I called in sick yesterday.

Wouldn't be fair to my crew.

My man is on a crew.

Oh, this is so cool. He's workin' at the university.

He has benefits.

Plus, you look so hot in that uniform.

Well, hey, it's not just about makin' the grass look good,

know what I mean?

Okay, kids. I know this isn't a dream come true for any of us,

but I got a job now,

and your job is to pull together and help me through it, okay?

Right, team?

Ha-ha! That's the spirit!

See you later! Oh, and don't hurt the old lady.

Excuse me, muscular gardener.

Yes, attractive young coed?

I was just wondering if you knew where the physical education building was.

Oh, where is that building?

Because I wanted to take a hot, steamy shower.

Okay. We better stop now.

This is so cool, Van.

- Who's the babe? - Hey, calm down, boy.

This is my wife, Cheyenne. Honey, this is Oscar.

Oh, hi, Oscar.

Oh, some friends that I met want us to go to this concert on Saturday night.

Oh, the Van's all booked. Tell her.

Yeah. Oscar's havin' a barbecue Saturday at his place, and I already said we'd go.

Um, excuse me.

Could I just talk to my husband for a second, Oscar?

We are not going to that party with Oscar.

Oscar's cool. Besides, this is a work thing.

All right? My boss is gonna be there.

These guys are like a big fraternity.

They call themselves the Grass Monkeys.

I wanna be a part of that.

But, Van, this job is just temporary.

I mean, the friends that we make in college will be our friends forever.

Sorry, but I'm goin' to the party.

Well, sorry, but I'm gonna go to the concert.

What the hell is this? An impasse?

- What? - You heard me, college student.

Oh, yeah. You're right. I did.

- Good. - Good.

Have fun hanging out with the Grass Turkeys.

It's Grass Monkeys!

Hey, Kyra.

Man, am I beat.

Mrs. Wolf, I'm back!

Mrs. Wolf?

You'll have to yell louder than that. She went home.

What did you do to her?

I didn't do anything. She didn't feel well.

I think she's got a bad case of "old."

You mean you kids have been here all afternoon alone?

I wish.

Hello there, workin' girl!

Hello there, why-are-you-here girl!

Hang on now. Mrs. Wolf had a little tummy trouble,

and she accidentally hit our number on the speed dial,

somewhere between "up" and "chuck."

So you've been here all day...

touchin' my stuff?

[chuckles awkwardly]

You know, I don't know if I'm really comfortable

with you bein' here when I'm not.

- Where's the tea? - Mm-mm-mm.

I moved your tea to the canister marked "tea."

See, it's right here near the stove, next to the teapot,

which I moved from that cupboard over here.

And I consolidated your mugs into the same area.

It creates, what I like to call, a tea triangle.

Barbra Jean, it's not that I don't appreciate what you're doin',

but I really--

Oh, my gosh. What's that?

Just a little ol' chicken casserole.

You know, I know Brock likes a hot meal on the table

when he comes home from work, so sit, sit.

Jake, dinner!

Well, I guess since it's already cooked and everything...

You know what? Just let me get this served, and I'll get out of your hair.

- Thank you, Barbra Jean. - [chuckles]

Did you see the tea triangle?

- ♪ I'm a survivor ♪ - [vacuum whirring]

- [vacuum cuts out] - There's my workin' girl.

You know, that's really growin' on me.

I gotta tell ya. The first time I heard it,

I wanted to stick my head in the oven.

There's no room, 'cause I'm making pot roast.

Whoo! I thought I smelled a reason to keep you.

- Kids okay? - They're upstairs doin' homework,

happy as clams.

[sighs] How can you tell if a clam is happy, anyway?

I don't know,

but clam chowder tomorrow night might make me happy.

- Hint taken. - [clicks tongue]

Here's your paper. Oh, and Mrs. Wolf called.

Oh, she's not doin' better, is she?

No, no. She's gonna be out for a while longer.

Oh-ho.

[sighs]

So, how was work?

- Eugene was in a mood. - Oh.

This little girl he was workin' on bit him.

[gasps]

But I took care of it. I referred her over to Brock.

Oh, well, Brock has enough problems with Louise.

Oh, I shouldn't gossip. [singsong] Erase, erase, erase!

No, no, no, no.

If anyone deserves a laugh at Brock, it's me. Go on.

Well, word has it

that Louise is a little too friendly with the laughing gas.

She put a huge scratch in the door of Brock's Lexus.

- [gasps] I'll bet he cried. - Oh.

Did he cry like a little girl?

Well, not tears, really.

More like whimpers. [whimpering like puppy]

- Hey. - [both laughing]

- Hey, what are you guys laughin' about? - Nothin'.

- No. - Just a little girl talk.

Hey, Barbra Jean, are you ever comin' home?

Well, sure. Just as soon as I get dinner on the table.

- Oh, perfect. I'm starvin'. - Oh, there's not enough for you.

[whimpers]

You haven't made dinner for me all week.

You've been over here slavin' for her.

You can't expect her to work all day for me

and then come home and work for you, can you?

Come on! I'm sick of takeout.

The guy at the Chinese place thinks I'm gettin' divorced again.

All right. Relax. We'll grab some chicken at Wimpy's drive-through.

Now, Reba, after the pot roast, there's apple pie.

Apple pie!

And you just leave the dishes. I'll get 'em tomorrow.

I'm startin' to see why you left me for her.

Sure. You're happy. You're the one with the new wife.

It's always great at the beginning, Reba.

I'll be out in the car, thinkin' about apple pie.

I gotta tell you. This has been great for me and the kids.

I can't believe how well it all turned out.

Say, would you top me off there?

I'm so relieved. I was worried I might be steppin' on your toes.

Hey, you can step on anything you want to,

as long as you're steppin' towards the oven.

I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but I'm glad you're here.

Thanks, Reba.

Well, I'd better get goin'. Bye, Kyra! Bye, Jakey.

Bye, Mommy!

He called me "Mommy."

[gasps] Pinch me, Reba. I think I'm dreamin'.

Ow.

- What? - What?

I thought I heard somebody say "Mommy," and that's why I answered.

'Cause that's who I am. I'm the mommy. Right?

I'm done!

Mom, chill. So he called Barbra Jean "Mommy." What's the big deal? It's Jake.

Nobody said anything when he called me "Caca" for two years.

Don't tell me to chill, Caca.

Well, you have to deal with this, because our other mommy,

the loud one, is gonna be back later today.

[chuckles] No, she's not. I called her and told her I wouldn't need her anymore.

- So you lied. - Don't worry about what I did.

Just pretend she got sucked into the tea triangle.

- So you got someone else to watch us. - Nope.

- Cool. I'll be at the pool hall. - No. You'll be at your friend Marla's.

- What about Jake? - Don't you worry about Jake.

I have something very special planned for him.

Okay, Mr. Snyder. I'll see you tomorrow

at 10:00, and we'll start scrapin' those gums. Okay.

- [sighs] Isn't this fun? - I'm bored.

Well, let's see if we have something to play with.

Oh, here's some dental floss, paper clips... and a pencil.

Wait a minute.

Is this a pencil, or is it a rocket ship?

[imitates rocket roaring]

- Hello, Doctor. - Who's this?

Oh, this is my son, Jake.

He's gonna stay with me for a little while.

Jake, there might be some fun stuff under the cushions.

Okay!

Reba, did I show you where I keep all the toys and crayons and paste?

- Oh, I didn't know we had any. - We must!

If we're gonna run a day care center, we have to have paste!

But if we're gonna run a dentist office, we should have fewer of your kinfolk.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Wait. Why do women have to choose between their work and their kids?

Why can't they work and be with their kids at the same time?

- And maybe we can fight crime! - Oh, oh, wait.

Can't we just give it a try? It'd really bug Brock.

If your son is here and you're dealing with him,

that means you'll be neglecting your work.

And that's bad. If your son is here and you're not dealing with him,

that means you'll be neglecting your son, and that is also bad.

This is what we refer to as a bad situation.

Hey, Reba, Dr. Fisher.

- Barbra Jean, what are you doing here? - To see the rocket take off?

I was just visitin' Brock. Why is Jake here?

Look, if you need someone to watch your kid, why don't you ask Barbra Jean?

Here. Take Apollo 13.

I don't need anybody. He's gonna stay here with me.

- No, he's not. - Yes, he is!

The only reason I'm not going to fire you

is because that idiot across the hall would say "I told you so."

Work something out!

Reba, I don't understand.

You would rather risk your job than leave Jake with me?

Is this about what he called me?

Barbra Jean, I don't know what to say.

No, it's okay. I think I get it.

Barbra Jean, wait just a second. Hang on.

Oh, brother.

[chuckles] He is a cute kid.

Do I have to call the police?

What are you doing?

If I don't have dirt underneath my fingernails,

the guys at the party would make fun of me.

Real sorry I'm missin' that party.

[both faking laughter]

- [fake laughter intensifies] - Cut it out!

Hey, hey, kids. Hey. What's the problem here?

I have an important corporate event to go to tonight, and she won't go.

Yeah? Well, I have a concert with people who don't smell.

Look, you guys aren't in high school anymore.

You don't have to spend every second together. Come on now.

You have your whole marriage to fight.

- He does have a point. - Yeah.

I mean, why should we be joined at the hip?

Absolutely.

Time apart is good for a relationship.

You know, Reba and I used to do different things all the time.

I'd go play golf, and she would--

Well, I don't know what she'd do. I was playin' golf.

Um, so you guys...

would spend a lot of time apart?

You know, I really don't wanna go to that party.

You know, I don't even like the band that much.

I am great at my job. I don't need to kiss gardener butt.

You know what, Van? I think we should go get Elizabeth and go on a walk.

Yeah. We'll go get ice cream.

- Together. - Okay.

What the hell did Reba do?

Brock, is it just me, or were you here less when we were married?

We need to talk about this Barbra Jean thing.

[scoffs] Why is it so hard to understand

I would be upset that Jake would call her "Mommy"?

It's not. I totally get it.

- I mean, I am his mommy, right? - Absolutely.

I changed his diaper. I nursed him when he was sick.

I was the one that taught him his alphabet and believe me, he's no quick study.

Hey, Reba, I understand.

Would you quit agreein' with me? I wanna argue.

Look, Barbra Jean didn't wanna upset anyone.

I mean, she was just tryin' to help out because she likes you.

Oh, I know. Man, for one golden week, I had it all.

Clean house, happy kids, great food I didn't have to cook...

on plates I didn't have to wash.

- It is nice, isn't it? - Yeah.

Say, did she ever make you those little red potatoes with the butter and parsley?

Parsley? Yeah. Oh, man. I love those.

What about the pork chops with the pear glaze?

- No. - Oh.

Oh, man! I bet that was gonna be next week!

[murmurs]

I didn't handle this very well, did I?

I've learned not to answer those type of questions.

You know, this is gonna sound kind of stupid, but I do regret

that I didn't talk honestly with Barbra Jean about this.

Hold that thought.

- [phone beeps] - Red Fire has cooled.

Repeat: Red fire has cooled.

- What are you doin'? - Nothin'.

Hey, Reba.

Barbra Jean has something she really, really wants to say to you.

About this thing that happened with Jake, I'm of two minds.

Where in the heck did you borrow one and a half minds?

Reba.

Just hear her out.

On the one hand, I feel awful, because I know you're so upset.

But on the other hand, I'm thrilled.

I mean, because I think you're such a wonderful mother.

You see, when Jake called me "Mommy,"

it meant for one brief moment he put me in the same category as you.

- My turn? - Use your words.

Oh, Barbra Jean, I'm not mad at you.

I guess, I was just scared that I could be so easily replaced.

Reba, I could never replace you.

I mean with the kids.

Thank you, Barbra Jean.

Ow.

Well, okay. It's all settled. Hey, you know what would be great?

How 'bout if Barbra Jean makes dinner for all of us?

Oh, I've got some pork chops in the refrigerator.

And is there some kind of glaze that we put on top of 'em?

Hint taken.

I'm just so glad this whole crazy mess is over.

And I have a wonderful suggestion.

How 'bout if Jake just started callin' me Mommy Jean?

Uh, no.

Mommy Barb? Mommy Hart?

Mommy Who Can Cook?

How 'bout Mommy With A Pork Chop--

Whoa!

[theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]