Original subtitles

Five minutes to my birthday party!

Mom, Barbra Jean said, and I quote,

"Reba, no party is complete with less than four colors of streamers."

I don't think you want to be quotin' Barbra Jean to me right now.

All I've heard from that woman all week is "I got a great idea, Reba.

Let's do it my way, Reba.

I'm 6' 8", Reba."

You know, I gotta say, Barbra Jean may be pushy,

but her party ideas are solid.

Look. I made a doggy.

I'm the mother. I'm supposed to be the one who gets to plan the party.

What do you expect? Barbra Jean isn't happy coming to the party.

She has to be the party.

Remember Halloween, she showed up

in that outfit and scared everybody?

Honey, that wasn't Halloween. That was yesterday.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[doorbell rings]

They're here! They're here!

- Come on! Come on! - Everyone, we have to be quiet.

- Elizabeth is trying to sleep. - Honey, they'll be quiet.

It's just a bunch of eight-year-olds we're pumpin' full of cake and candy.

Say cheese!

Don't say anything. Just smile.

[shutter clicks]

Here you go. There's a poster on the dinin' room table.

Stick your picture on it and sign it. Okay? Have fun.

- Tiptoe! Tiptoe. - [sighs]

Cheyenne, they're kids. They haven't taken a vow of silence.

- I'm on it. - Aah! Aah! Aah!

- You're off it. [sighs] - [door closes]

Cheyenne, the baby can't hear us down here.

You don't understand. If somebody does wake up Elizabeth, she won't stop crying.

Well, she'd learn to if you didn't pick her up

every time she made a peep.

It's not a peep, Mom. It's a cry for help.

A horrible, irritating cry.

Guys, Elizabeth is six months old.

She needs to learn to soothe herself so she could fall back to sleep.

But, Mom, letting her just cry would be so mean.

No, letting her cry is the best thing for her.

That's what I used to do with you.

[scoffs] What?

Yeah. I used to let you cry it out sometimes.

Wait a minute.

You let me just sit in my crib and cry?

Is your heart made of stone?

Who are you?

Mom, I was a baby. I just wanted my mommy.

D-Did you think it was funny?

Did it make you feel powerful?

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Reba. How excitin' is this?

Our little boy is growin' up.

[chuckling] Yeah, it seems like only yesterday he was my little boy.

Well, look at this.

I thought we talked about streamer placement.

No. You talked, I ignored.

I'm just gonna go move these over here where--

They're fine.

- But it would look so much better-- Ooh. - [shutter clicks]

- Oops. Where'd you go? - [chuckling]

[sighs]

I'm makin' a poster for Jake. Smile.

Brock, she's gone. You can smile now.

No, I can't.

I got a few Botox injections.

What? You?

Botox injections? Isn't that cosmetic and girlie?

No, it's not girlie. It's botulism,

which is a deadly poison, which is very manly.

Yeah, but is it supposed to make your face look...

dead and creepy?

No. It's supposed to take away the wrinkles.

So, I guess it was the wrinkles that made you look alive.

What happened?

I was playing poker with a few of my doctor buddies.

I ran out of cash. So I bet a tooth whitening,

Frank raised me a few Botox injections.

I hit a full house.

[chuckling]

Yeah, I think he's... he's still a little mad about losin'.

It's hard to believe that injecting poison into your face could go so wrong.

Frank said it's only temporary.

Think it makes me look younger?

Oh, absolutely. Younger, dead and creepy.

Come on in. Join the party.

Jake's over there laughin',smilin', showin' some emotion.

I guess he got that from me. Oh, ho, ho.

I gotta get a picture of that. Smile!

Stop it!

And I got pens and paper.

The kids will each write a sentence,

the last word of which will rhyme with "Jake."

Like, "Another great idea from the big blonde flake"?

Like that.

But not that.

And I got pin the tail on the donkey.

Kyra, would you put up the donkey?

Do it yourself.

Kyra!

It's okay. Every party has a pooper.

And I guess we found ours.

What was that?

You need to watch your mouth, young lady.

Barbra Jean is your stepmother.

You can't talk to her like that. She deserves some respect. You got that?

You don't respect her.

Yes, I do. I totally do.

[scoffs] You mean like when you said that Barbra Jean

is where brain cells go when they die?

[laughing]

That's totally different.

Barbra Jean and I have a special relationship.

You're 13 years old, and you don't get to speak to her that way.

Now, you're gonna sit right here until you apologize to Barbra Jean. Okay?

- Okay. Okay. - All right.

I am very, very angry.

Okay. She's almost down, but she's still a little fussy.

[Elizabeth crying]

Well, she probably wants to go to the party. You know, kids love cake.

No, Van. She needs a nap.

No, she's not getting a nap.

She's got us running up and down the stairs every 10 minutes.

She's not a kid, she's a StairMaster.

Maybe we should try what your mom said.

Oh, my God. She's gotten to you.

Elizabeth's only six months old.

Your mom's like a million months old.

Maybe she knows better.

Look, Cheyenne, when you're at school,

I'm the one who has to take care of Elizabeth.

And I would run to the moon for that little girl.

But I could also crank up SportsCenter and just let her wail.

- Van. - But what if your mom's right?

She raised you, and you turned out pretty awesome.

- [sighs] I don't know, Van. - I know. I know.

But we'll never know unless we try it.

Like that time I tried sushi.

- You hate sushi. - Yeah, but now I know I hate sushi.

Kyra's right, you know. She gets her bad attitude from you.

She does not.

If you have a problem with Barbra Jean, talk it out.

Sit down, woman-to-woman, and sort it out.

Sit down and talk with Barbra Jean? Are you kidding?

'Cause I can't tell.

I'm serious.

You're, like, addicted to makin' fun of Barbra Jean.

I'm not addicted. I can stop anytime I want.

- Ha-ha-ha. - I mean it. I'll stop insulting her.

I can. It's not fair to the kids to make them

as bitter towards Barbra Jean as I am.

They'll have to learn that on their own.

Okay, that's the last one.

Guess what! The clown's here.

Yeah, we know. But who's the guy with the rainbow wig?

Absolutely the last one.

[clown] Okay, who likes magic?

Isn't "Mr. Peppers" a great name for a clown? Yeah.

If I were a clown, what would you call me?

Man, I wish you'd asked me that yesterday.

A frog in a blender! Aaah! Ribit. Ribit. Ribit. Ribit.

- [laughing] - Come on, guys.

Oh-ho, that's good.

Red and green. You're funny.

[chuckles] What is that, sarcasm?

No, no. Uh, really, you're very good. I'm-- I'm havin' a great time.

Tell your face.

Everybody's loving the pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game.

'Cause I hung up the donkey,

myself,

as per your instructions.

Look, Barbra Jean, I'm sorry about before.

I was just joking.

Kind of like how my mom kids you all the time.

Well, that's different.

Your mom and I have a special relationship.

- Hey, that's what she said earlier. - She did?

See, I always thought she teased me because she liked me,

but, you know, you never know for sure.

Oh, yeah. That's why she does it.

And I was just trying to do the same thing.

But I guess it sounds different coming from a kid.

Oh, Kyra, don't worry about it.

I just hope when you grow up, you find a special friend like I found in your mom.

Me too. Of course, I'll have to get married first.

Reba, this is terrible. Nobody can tell what I'm feeling.

- [Barbra Jean] Yoo-hoo! - How much is that Botox?

That Mr. Peppers is a hoot.

Honestly, Reba, is there anything like watching a big, silly clown

running around with too much makeup on?

- Not that I can say. - [chuckles]

How about that cake? Everybody ready to sing for the birthday boy!

- [children murmuring] - Is there somethin' wrong, Reba?

- No, everything's fine. - Because you're actin' weird.

I'm just really, really glad that you're here.

That's all. Really glad.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

Hey, you know what's funny?

Right after high school, I was gonna go to clown college.

- Mm-hmm? - But I didn't get accepted.

Hmm.

Maybe I should've just sent a picture.

Oh, boy.

- [Van] Okay! It's "Happy Birthday" time. - Whoo.

- Does everybody know all the words? - Yeah!

Here we go. And a one, and a two--

Excuse me! [gasps]

- [door closes] - I left you alone for two seconds!

Oh, don't give me that look. Oh, I forgot, it's the only look you have.

I'll go talk to her.

Come on, Barbra Jean. Jake's cake's waitin'.

I don't know what I did for you to treat me like that.

- Like what? - Polite!

Even Kyra knows that's not our relationship.

What'd she say?

Well, you know, how-- how you tease me because you like me.

You know, all the fun zings.

[chuckling] Yeah, right. Right.

Well, I guess I hadn't been doin' that because some people, not me, mind you,

but some people might think that's a little mean.

Friendship is never mean.

See, they don't get that.

- So, you ready to go in, pal? - You mean it?

Absolutely. Come on.

- You ready? - Can I give you a hug?

Not if I was chokin' on a piece of sausage.

- Zing! - Zing!

There's the Reba I love.

- That's what I was tellin' him. - I know.

Okay, everybody. All better. Ready to sing?

Oh, I don't want Reba to sing near me.

I didn't bring my earplugs.

- [laughing] - What are you doin'?

Zingin' you.

- You know, 'cause I like you. - [chuckles]

Oh, you got me, all right.

Oh, when's this party gonna be over?

Nothin'.

- Reba, did you make the cake? - Oh, you bet.

No pre-made cake for my little feller.

It's very interesting.

I've never had sawdust cake before.

[laughing]

Okey-dokey. Now, how about let's open some presents?

- Yay! - Here you go.

This one's from me. You're gonna love this, Jake.

- Oh. - It's a birdhouse kit!

You get to build a birdhouse and then paint it.

Yeah, that's great. [scoffs]

Maybe next year you'll get him a rat condo.

- Barbra Jean. - Reba.

Well, you two are even more special than usual.

This turned out to be a better party than I thought. Is there coffee?

Oh, come on now, Brock. You've had Reba's coffee.

It'll make you cry.

Kind of like Cheyenne did when she was a baby and Reba wouldn't go to her.

[imitates baby crying]

"I want my mommy, but she won't come."

- Oh! - Be right back.

Me and my pal are gonna go get the coffee.

Okay.

- You know what? I lied. - Me too.

Your cake didn't taste like sawdust.

It tasted like sand. Zing!

Stop that! Stop keepin' score.

Which, by the way, if we were doing, would be about a billion to one!

I'm trying to be honest with you, Barbra Jean.

I say the stuff I say because I'm still upset about the...

situation.

- Because I horned in on the party? - No!

I'm talkin' about the big situation.

I'm talkin' about the thing that we never talked through, woman-to-woman.

- Oh, my gosh. - Yeah.

You're going through menopause.

No, I'm not going through menopause, you dingbat.

You and Brock. That's what I'm talkin' about. You wreckin' my marriage!

Uh--

Yea!

Hey, look at you!

Whoo! Look at them. Look at that.

I guess I've never actually brought this up to you and talked about it face-to-face

and that's probably my fault.

And maybe my clever little comments when you're around are immature,

but that's how I've dealt with this.

[sighs]

This hasn't been easy for me, Barbra Jean.

Well,

- I am very sorry to hear that, Reba. - Okay.

Because, as you can imagine,

it has just been a freakin' picnic for me!

You think your clever little comments are tough for me to handle?

[scoffs] Huh! I'm the other woman, Reba.

I'm the whore of Babylon!

I get looks and whispers

and fingers pointin' at me every day.

But everybody acts friendly,

just like you did today.

Phony smiles and fake sincerity hurt a whole lot worse

than your clever little jokes,

which, frankly, aren't all that clever either.

Some of 'em are.

Look, if this is supposed to make me feel sorry for you, it ain't workin'.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me, Reba.

I just want to know where you stand.

I want you to be honest with me.

Okay. I can do that.

Your party ideas are stupid.

They didn't let you into clown college 'cause you're too big to fit into the car.

And I sing way better than you.

- There's my Reba-ruba-roo. - [chuckling]

And if you call me that again, I'm gonna slap the blonde right off of you.

[Elizabeth crying]

Hey.

I got you a corner piece.

I don't feel like eating cake right now.

[crying continues]

Why'd you always like the corner piece?

- I remember when you were little-- - My baby is crying, Mom.

Oh, I thought that was Van.

- Cheyenne, I know this is tough. - Really?

- Do you? - Yeah, sweetie, I do.

I remember sittin' outside your door frettin' the same way.

But I knew in my heart it was the best thing for you.

Well, it doesn't feel right in my heart.

You know, all of these things that are...

that are supposed to be the right things to do, you know?

In the morning, when I leave her to go to school.

And when I come home, and she's already in bed.

And when I have to study French philosophy

instead of playing peekaboo with her.

These are important things to do, right?

Well, they just... they don't feel right, Mom.

- Not to me. - Cheyenne, you're her mother.

Mom, I know what you're gonna say.

Yeah. But I get to say it anyway, because I'm your mother.

Now, you listen to me. Nobody, not me, not Van,

not those peekaboo-playin' French philosophers,

know what's right for your baby more than you.

But I'm telling you. It doesn't feel right.

- I know. - So, what are you gonna do?

[crying continues]

I want to go pick up my baby.

Good. 'Cause I want to eat your cake.

Here you go, Mr. Peppers.

Don't spend it all at the big-shoe store.

Thank you.

Hey, any chance I can get the big chick's number?

Sorry. She's already seeing a clown.

- You like clowns? - [horn honks]

Go on now.

All right.

[theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]