Original subtitles

[Elizabeth crying]

- [clears throat] - Oh, there she is!

It's Mommy's first day of school!

That just sounds wrong.

Okay. Do I look like a college student?

Or do I look like a high school student pretending to be in college?

Honey, you haven't looked like a high school student since your third trimester.

Hey, I thought you were gonna wear my football jersey.

Since I'm taking the semester off, I'd be there in spirit.

Go Team Montgomery!

Yeah, but it was too bulky.

So, to have you with me, I wore your deodorant.

Mom, look at her.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Elizabeth.

Van, remember, you can always reach me on my cell phone.

And she likes to be burped on her lap, not on the shoulder.

Oh, and her new favorite chew toy is Jake's Game Boy.

That's why it's wet.

Don't worry, Cheyenne. I know how to take care of my own baby.

- You got all that? - [chuckles]

- Yep. But I'm not gonna be here. - [both] What?

I told you, kids. I start work at your dad's office today.

That's today?

Didn't you see the giant sad face on the calendar?

Mom, I-I can't leave my baby with my husband.

He's a teenager!

Mrs. H, I've never taken care of the baby all by myself before.

I'm the camera guy. [laughs]

I document other people taking care of the baby.

Okay, well, review the tapes and suit up.

So I gotta watch the baby and the house and Kyra and Jake?

That's four things! I only have two eyes!

Van, it's just gonna be you and the baby.

Kyra has a study group for her big, fancy math class,

and I signed Jake up to an after-school activity.

I don't want to take jazz and tap.

I'm sorry, honey. Karate was full.

Too bad. He's gonna need karate when the bullies find out he's in jazz and tap.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

- Sorry I'm late, Brock. - Oh, are you late?

I thought you were just early for tomorrow.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow you can drop our kids off at school, and I'll be on time.

Hey, no problem. I'll have the new girl in my office pick 'em up.

Oh, wait. You're the new girl.

I miss your sense of humor, Brock.

Do you miss it too?

I'll tell you what I don't miss.

Okay, all right. Hang on.

I'm sorry. Let's just try to be professional.

Let's pretend that you never had a midlife crisis that destroyed our family

and I never--

Well, I'm really not at fault here, am I?

The point is you're the boss.

- Except for one thing. - What?

I'm not gonna be your boss.

[gasps]

There's my new gal Friday!

Here's your uniform! [squealing]

We'll be twins!

- Brock-- - Reba--

- Brock! - Reba, like it or not, you need this job.

Now, I'm with patients all day, and Barbra Jean runs the office,

so you're just gonna have to deal with it.

[exhales] Okay.

But when Jake makes it big in tap, I'm never working again.

It's okay, it's okay. Mommy's here. You can stop your crying.

- Van, where's Elizabeth? - Don't know.

Napping?

Oh, Cheyenne. Sweet, naive Cheyenne.

What? Come on, Van! Where is she?

Her afternoon nap ended an hour ago,

at which time I transported her to the kitchen,

where she enjoyed crushed bananas

and seven Cheerios.

After such a hearty feast, she retired to her favorite post-meal activity,

the bouncy seat.

Oh! Hi, Elizabeth.

- Wow. - [cooing]

Van! You did all of this?

And videotaped it.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Hey, Mom. How was your day?

[shudders]

Wow. It's really that bad working for Dad?

I didn't work for him. I was working for--

[shudders]

You were working for Barbra Jean?

I'm off the clock. I don't wanna talk about it.

Why do you have a smiley-face sticker on your smock that says "Good job"?

I said I don't wanna talk about it!

Oh, wait. I need you to sign this.

[sighs] What?

It's a drop slip from my advanced math class. It's too hard.

Hey, you wanted to take this, and you're gonna see it through.

We don't take the easy way out.

Anybody can drop a math class

or stab a big, goofy blonde.

Whoa! What happened to this place? It's spotless!

You know how you take your clothes to the cleaners

and they say it's been Martinized?

Well, this place has been Martin-Vanned.

Uh-oh. Teletubbies is on.

The gay one makes me laugh.

Aren't you proud of him, Cheyenne?

Yeah. I'm quitting college.

- What? - I just-- I can't do this, Mom.

All day long, all I did was worry about Van and the baby.

What is it around here? I wanna put up a big sign that says,

"We don't quit!"

Sometimes it's better to suffer now and get what you want later.

And right now we're all suffering a little bit.

[tap shoes clacking]

Some of us more than others.

[grinding]

- Pop quiz! - [screams]

Barbra Jean!

Oh, my Lord!

Quick! Where do we keep the floss?

Oh, well. Moving on to filing.

Now...

I have a very special system.

Let me guess. Does it have anything to do with the alphabet?

Okay. [slowly] "Mr. Richard Bolwork."

B-- B-- Bolwork.

Where do you think we file this one, Reba?

Right after "B-- B-- Bite me"?

Well, technically, yes.

[phone rings]

Dr. Hart's office. Yes--

[gasps]

You just hung up on a patient.

Because you didn't give the authorized greeting.

Around here we say,

Welcome to the dental offices [singsong] of Dr. Brock Hart.

[phone rings]

[monotone] Welcome to the dental office of Dr. Brock Hart.

More welcoming.

Two syllables in "Hart." Sing it with me.

Dr. Brock [singsong] Ha-art

You see, it goes up and then down. [singsong] Ha-art

I'm not. I'm not answering the phone that way.

- If you don't try, you'll never learn. - I don't want to learn.

- [phone ringing] - Go on. Pick it up.

Pick it up.

- No. - Please?

- No! - I'm ordering you to pick it up.

- Ordering? - [ringing continues]

Okay, fine.

There. It's picked up.

You realize this is not a cordless phone.

Barbra Jean is driving me crazy.

So please fire me!

Why don't you just quit?

'Cause I made such a big deal about not quitting to the kids.

I don't want 'em thinking badly of me.

What are they gonna think of me when I fire their mother?

Oh, you've already done so much to me, they'll expect it.

Reba, look, you need real work experience.

- Well, this is it. - But she's so irritating!

You should see how she makes me answer that stupid phone!

It's insane, singing your name down and then up,

or some garbage like that.

No, no, no.

See, it's up and then down. [singsong] Ha-art.

Come on, try it with me. [singsong] Ha-art.

You enjoy watching her torture me, don't you?

Oh, come on. She's not torturing you.

You know, Barbra Jean wants this to work out more than anyone.

She considers you a friend.

[sobbing] Why?

Why does she like me so much?

Everyone likes you, Reba. That's your curse.

[continues sobbing]

Look, Barbra Jean's big dream is to stay home with the baby.

All she needs to do is train a replacement.

You mean, if I do everything she asks, she'll go away?

Yes.

Oh. Well, then--

[giggles]

Excuse me, Dr. Hart.

I gotta go earn me a smiley-face sticker.

And...

- [beep] - Go.

Oh!

[groaning]

- [beep] - Yes!

Another speed record for the doctor of diaper, Van Montgomery!

[imitating crowd cheering]

What are you doing?

Gettin' ready for game time.

That right there was 15 seconds.

You add a five-second squirm factor for the real baby,

and I'm 20 seconds, poop to pail.

You're really into this, aren't you?

Well, it's physically and mentally challenging. Why?

Are you gonna make fun of me?

Van, it's me.

It's just, didn't Cheyenne's last class end an hour ago?

She's probably in the library.

Van, it's Cheyenne.

- [beeping] - Okay. You know what?

Not that I have anything to prove to you, Kyra--

- [line ringing] - [sighs]

- [loud rock music playing] - Hi, Cheyenne.

Where are you?

No, no, I-- I can't hear you over the music!

Yeah, the baby's fine, but I--

[music continues]

Okay. Bye.

- [beep] - She's in the library.

The music library!

And then the nun says, "I do it out of habit." [laughing]

Barbra Jean, could you get Mr. Akinawa a complimentary toothbrush?

Oh! Already taken care of.

Along with minted floss, validated parking,

and a little drool cup, just until the Novocain wears off.

Okay? There you go.

Reba!

That was really wonderful.

You are showing substantial improvement.

Thank you, Barbra Jean. Just doin' the best job I can.

Good Reba frighten Brock.

Well, Reba, since you seem ready for a new challenge,

why don't we organize the magazine rack in the waiting area?

Already done, with the children's magazines on the lower rung,

women's magazines on the middle,

and sports and golf on the top for the men.

Oh, and I threw out the National Geographic.

It has dirty pictures.

The student has surpassed the teacher.

[both sighing]

- You might be ready to fly solo. - You mean work without you?

It's just,

I haven't had my eyebrows waxed since Henry was born.

It's startin' to look like I got bangs, so--

- Go. Get waxed. - [giggles]

Leave the office for as long as you want to.

Forever, if you want.

- Really? - Yeah!

- Take the day off. - Okay.

Oh, and Barbra Jean, while you're at it,

you may wanna take care of, uh--

Thank you, Reba. You're a real friend.

Hi. I'm here for Dr. Brock.

- So! - Hi, Mrs. Turner.

I didn't realize you were coming in today.

Yeah. 3:30. There she is.

The doctor'll be right with you. Good-bye, Barbra Jean.

But I am sure...

sure that was canceled.

Hey, Tonya. You're right on time.

I'll be with you in a minute to check out those beautiful teeth.

See, Barbra Jean? Everything's under control.

So, Tonya Turner.

Why don't you just put it under "T," for tramp!

- [whimpers] - What?

Brock and her? No!

- [sobs] - Well--

No! Why would you say that?

It could happen.

Things have changed between Brock and I since Henry was born.

I'm afraid we've lost that spark we had I was his hygienist and not his wife.

Yeah, those were the days.

It's like--

It's like he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

Do you know we haven't had intimacies in over a month?

H-H-Hello! Hello!

Reba, I don't wanna lose Brock to the next pretty thing that sits in his dental chair

What should I do?

- Help me, Reba! - Aah!

Please!

Okay. Okay, okay. Just stop touching me.

If you have... needs,

then you should talk to Brock and tell him what they are.

Tell him. Don't tell me. I repeat. Tell Brock. Don't tell me.

Okay. I'll try.

[sighs]

[whimpering] I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!

Barbra Jean, stop! Wait just a second!

- Barbra Jean! - What the heck is going on?

Why did Barbra Jean just come into my office, go "I ca-- I ca--" and run away?

I couldn't say.

- What did you do to her? - I didn't do anything!

You must have. Now, you need to run after her and apologize.

I'm not the one she's got a problem with. Oh--

Well, what's that supposed to mean? What'd she say?

Look, Brock, I'm just tryin' to do my job. Okay?

So, your 3:30 cleaning is waiting on you, you have a 5:00 root canal,

and at 7:00, you should have sex with your wife. Coffee?

Did you just say what I... what I think you said?

I must have. My whole mouth just went numb.

Oh, yeah, I knew it was a good idea to have you working here.

[groans]

So...

what'd she say about me-- Us?

Nothin'. Just that.

Oh.

Okay then.

Back to work.

Okay.

It's not 'cause I can't perform, you know.

Oh, Lord!

Uh, maybe this is a little too personal.

Oh, you think?

I mean, we should be talking about mouthwash, fluoride treatment,

anything but how you perform.

- But I can, you know. - Oh, talk about it with Barbra Jean.

You're right. You're right. Sorry.

But I can.

[door unlocking]

Oh. It's you.

Hello to you too, sunshine.

Ah. Is that dinner?

Looks great.

Yeah, I suppose it was good at dinnertime, an hour ago.

We eat dinner as a family in this house.

And if you're gonna be late, there's a new invention.

It's called a telephone!

Hey! Hey! [sarcastic laugh]

Van, I'm too tired to deal with the usual insanity today.

Whoa. Mrs. H.

I'm sorry. I'm just wiped out.

Talk to me.

I hate my job.

You know how when Barbra Jean and Brock come over and visit for 10 minutes,

then I come in here and bang my head against the refrigerator?

I've been with 'em for eight hours today!

Touch it! It's still hot!

So quit.

I can't quit.

I need the job and work experience, not to mention the money.

You have job experience. Three days' worth.

And no amount of money is worth what you're going through.

A million dollars would be, but you're not making that. Right?

But I made a big deal about not quittin' to the kids.

They're kids. Tell 'em to shut up.

That's right. I have that power.

Thanks, Van. You're quite a guy.

I'm glad someone feels that way.

Okay.

Talk to me.

It's Cheyenne.

She hasn't called. She hasn't been home to check on me.

Maybe that's because you're doing such a great job.

I just wish she could see us here,

her husband and newborn baby, alone, our dinner getting cold.

A sandwich?

Our dinner getting warm.

Van, Cheyenne loves you and Elizabeth with all her heart.

But college gives her a chance to spread her wings,

figure out who she is.

I think she deserves it after all she's been through. Don't you?

Yeah.

Look, I know it's hard.

But making her feel guilty is no way to keep her at home.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go call Brock and tell him he can take his job and...

♪ Shove it ♪

All right. Jake's gonna show us what he learned in his first week of tap.

And we're all gonna love it... Kyra.

I love it already.

Go ahead, Jake.

Oh-ho! Yeah!

[Van] Yeah!

Mrs. H, you gotta let him quit.

[theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]