Original subtitles

Morning, sexy.

[grunting]

What in the heck do you think you're doing?

Well, right now I'm wondering why we chose this color grout.

You can't come in here and just attack me like that!

Close the curtain. I can still see the view.

What's gotten into you? You used to love it when I kissed you.

Yeah, when we were married.

- We are married. - What?

We're gonna go to the mall. There's a sale on shoes.

I'm going 'cause I'm in love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's gonna be watching Elizabeth?

- I'm not sure. Who's Elizabeth? - Your baby.

Mom, the last thing I'd have is a baby.

I'm 17. I've got my whole life ahead of me.

- Honey? - Mom, are you all right?

No! You say you don't have a baby,

you're talkin' responsible, and you're acting like a lovin' husband?

What's wrong with you people?

What's that smell?

[gasps]

Jake. Jake, honey, go on back to your own room.

Is that gum?

- [baby crying] - [crying] I can't turn her off!

Bring her here.

I haven't gotten any sleep in three months.

- I'm losing my mind, Mom. - It's okay.

- Shh, everybody. It'll be okay. - [Elizabeth crying]

What's wrong with you?

[crying] It's just so beautiful.

Come on.

[crying continues]

[sighs]

This is more like it.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[Kyra] Morning, Mom.

Is it technically morning if you've never gone to sleep?

I need some coffee.

If you need more sleep, try wearing earplugs like me.

- Ooh, can I borrow those tonight? - Van.

What? I need some sleep so I can start to think clearly.

How many years you plan to sleep?

If you didn't want to get up with the baby, you should say so.

- I don't want to get up. - Oh, you're gettin' up.

- I am not doing this alone. - But what's the point?

I get up. I hand her to you. That's it!

I mean, it'd be different if I was feeding her or something.

But I'm not built that way. These wells are dry.

Kids, can I say something?

Mom, the last thing we need now is your advice.

No, you're right. You're 17,

living in my house with your husband and daughter--

You've got it covered.

Hey, Reba. This boy won't stop growing.

From now on, no vegetables and he takes up smoking.

Well, at this point, I doubt it would shock the neighbors.

- Did you have a good time? - Yeah! Barbra Jean got me a GameCube.

See ya at the puppet show, buddy!

A GameCube, like the one we both agreed not to get him?

Surprise!

Look, I know we talked, but I changed my mind.

Brock, please tell me you're not letting Jake play those violent video games.

We have to. The nice ones suck.

- Brock. - No, Reba.

Barbra Jean got it so they could have something to do together.

He's having a great time. She's having a great time.

I don't see the problem.

I don't want Barbra Jean making the parenting decisions.

I tell you what.

From now on, you make the rules at your house...

and don't worry about who's making 'em at mine.

Oh, that's just great, Brock. What happens when we go to the park?

Who makes the rules then?

I call the park!

I don't think it's fair

that you always want me to change the baby.

Well, I'm taking care of what goes into the baby, so logically--

So logically you would clean up what you started.

No, Van. Logically--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Socrates, Plato.

You really need to stop arguing.

Hey, I tell you what. Tonight I'll watch Elizabeth,

so you guys can go out and have some fun.

- Is anyone checking on Elizabeth? - We have a monitor.

Welcome to the 20th century, Kyra.

- [clicks] - [Elizabeth crying]

And it's the 21st century.

[crying continues]

Are ya comin'?

Well, of course.

If I wasn't there to hand her to you, the whole system would break down.

- So Jake got a GameCube? - Oh, your father's so irritating.

He told me they have a different set of rules over there,

and I just have to learn to live with it. So here.

- What's that? - Five dollars. Tell me the rules.

Five dollars. Gee, I'll go see half a movie.

Look, I swear any information you give me is confidential.

But you're my kids,

and I need to know exactly what's goin' on over there.

Well, when you put it that way.

- Okay. Well, like, one thing they do... - Yeah.

...is Barbra Jean doesn't believe in bedtimes.

We go to sleep whenever we want, even on a school night.

[chuckles] Well, isn't that fun?

But I'm sure you don't stay up that late.

It's kind of hard to sleep

with all the candy and soda she lets us have.

Candy? Really?

What else?

She gives us fast food after you tell her not to.

- I told her not to do that! - I just said that.

I'm not talkin' to you! That's why I don't trust her parenting.

She's just trying to be popular.

[groans] She puts her needs over the welfare of my kids.

You think you could get her to say some of those things on tape?

Yoo-hoo! Reba!

Oh, hi, Barbra Jean.

I got you a chair.

The little girl who was sittin' here had to go to the bathroom.

No saveys!

My right cheek thanks you.

- My left cheek'll make do. - [laughs]

Thank you all for coming. Today we're having a puppet show

about a rabbit and a squirrel

that learn an important lesson about how we should behave.

- So what are you doing here? - Brock had to do a root canal.

It was an emergency.

You know, dentists are the firemen of the mouth.

Only their calendars don't sell as well.

Larry, want to sneak into the school tonight?

I don't know, Davey.

- [talking continues] - Since school's only a half day,

I'd like to take Jakey to lunch if that's okay.

Oh, lunch, huh? Will there be food at this lunch?

Uh-huh.

You know, I'm glad you brought this up

'cause I've been wanting to talk to you again

about keeping Jakey away from fast foods.

Oh, of course. I never give him fast food.

'Cause fast foods upset his stomach. Then he's up all night.

And that's why, as his biological mother, I asked you not to give him any.

We never do.

- You never give him fast food? - Nope.

- Never? - Not once.

'Cause you can tell me.

I swear I've never given him fast food.

Liar.

- What? - I said you're a liar. You lie.

You take him for fast food all the time. You take him, and then you lie to my face.

Well, I refuse to let my son go to lunch with a liar.

It's also wrong to lie, Davey.

Did I ever tell you, when I was a kid, we went to a dairy farm?

Oh, good Lord. Okay. Upstairs. There you go.

Cheyenne, use a coaster.

You know, it's your fault that I have to do this.

If you hadn't gotten Van excited about going out,

I wouldn't have to sit here and have my breasts vacuumed.

Our neighbors had hers shampooed.

They're just like new!

Hey, do you think if you fell asleep,

these would just keep sucking all the moisture out of you

until you became like a raisin?

You can imagine how anxious I am to have dinner with this man.

All right. Now, I want y'all to go have a good time.

Don't talk about the baby. Don't think about the baby.

Don't even say the word "baby."

- What? - I miss my baby.

[Brock] Hey, guys.

- Huh. What's wrong with Cheyenne? - Gee, I don't know.

She's a teenage mother. You'd think she'd be happier.

- What's up? - I need you to apologize to Barbra Jean.

Apologize? Let's see.

- What are you doing? - Checking for flying pigs.

Sorry.

- You're out of luck. - She says you called her a liar.

She is. She said she never gives Jake fast food.

- She doesn't. - Yes, she does.

- No, she doesn't. - She does.

Reba, I admitted we had an affair.

I don't think I'd lie about a hamburger.

Hang on a second. I'm gonna check something in the kitchen.

Quick double check. Barbra Jean gave Jake fast food, right?

- No. - Great. Thanks.

What?

Barbra Jean did not give Jake fast food.

- But you said she-- - I know. I was just yanking your chain.

You realize your father is out there,

and now, because I was wrong, I have to apologize to Barbra Jean?

This just keeps gettin' funnier.

I tell you what's funny. You're grounded!

Oh, and that five bucks I gave you, it's Canadian. Ha!

[laughing]

You know what--

I can't remember what all this was about in the first place.

So what do you say next time we're all out bowling, shoes are on me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not done here, Reba.

Barbra Jean didn't lie,

and I'm not leaving until you promise to apologize to her.

[sighs] Fine. I'll apologize.

But she needs to apologize to me

for making me sit on that stupid, little ol' bitty chair!

[knocking]

[sighs]

Hey, Reba.

Barbra Jean.

Brock said you wanted to talk to me.

Nope. Don't think so.

No?

He seemed pretty sure.

Oh! Oh, I, I bet I know what it is.

You know, we were laughing and talking earlier about,

you know, how you guys are always apologizing to me about,

you know, all the terrible stuff you've done.

And I said,

"Gee, maybe I ought to apologize to you sometime for something."

So, I'm sorry. See ya later.

Wait a minute.

You're apologizing to me?

For what?

Oh, all right. Here goes.

I guess because of our history,

sometimes I was a little too quick to judge you.

And that wasn't fair, so I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry I called you a liar.

- Oh, Reba! - [grunts]

Yeah, I knew that was comin'.

[sobbing] You don't understand. I lied.

What?

I did give Jake fast food.

Don't tell Brock, because sometimes I'm just too tired to cook,

and Jake loves it so much.

And he loves me when I give it to him.

Can you ever forgive me?

Reba?

I'll give you 10 seconds. Then I release the dogs.

You don't have dogs.

[whistles]

Cannibal! Shredder! Come to Mama!

[barking]

This was a great idea.

I feel free.

- How's the salad bar? - Good.

What'd you get?

Well, I got baby corn and little baby carrots.

[crying] And baby lettuce.

Okay. Hold it right there.

Your mom said we're not supposed to talk about that.

And why not, huh?

I mean, Van, did you ever think maybe I'm not obsessing too much,

but you're not obsessing enough?

Oh, so this is all my problem? Maybe it is.

I knew it! You think I'm a bad parent.

- I never said that. - Well, let me tell you something.

I love that little girl.

And just because I don't check on her every 10 seconds

or jump up the minute she cries, doesn't mean I don't.

Well, of course you do.

Good. Then I don't want to hear any more about this.

Okay.

- Van-- - [crying] I'm a terrible parent.

I don't like my baby.

- What? - Well, she-she cries,

and she doesn't sleep, and she-- She smells.

I mean, I-I love her, but maybe I'm not a baby person.

You know, we should have had a 12-year-old like my cousin. He's really cool.

Van, you poor thing.

Then I watch you, and you're so into her,

and it just makes me feel guiltier.

[sighs]

- Can I tell you something? - Oh, why not?

It can't be worse than me saying I don't like my own baby.

[crying] I don't know if I like her either.

- What? - I don't know. I try, but it's just--

It is never enough.

I thought this would be easier.

I mean, Van, I love her too, but,

God, she's like this tiny angry guest that won't go away.

So you're a bad parent too?

Yeah.

[crying] I love you so much.

So originally, you told the truth,

but then you lied

when I asked you if you lied about telling the truth.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay. So what's going on? And this time I want the truth.

I was just kidding around at first, but...

then when everything blew up, I just wanted the arguing to stop.

But you people just won't let it go.

Oh, come on. It's not like we're at each other's throats or anything.

- I mean-- - [chuckles] Your dad won't let it go,

but I'm not like that. [laughs]

You're both like that.

You ask me about them, and they ask me about you,

and I'm always stuck in the middle.

Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were doing that.

It's gonna stop. I promise.

So what do they ask about me?

Hey there. Looks like someone had a good time tonight.

Yes, we did. We had a very long talk.

Yeah, we realized there's nothing wrong with us.

- Babies are just a nightmare. - Mm-hmm.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You know, you could have told us that before we got pregnant.

Yeah, we think maybe someone wanted to be a grandparent.

Yeah, I'm living the dream.

[knocking]

Did you call me over here

- about the hamburger thing again? - Yes.

Ah, terrific. It's the third time today.

Cows don't talk this much about hamburger.

Look, I want to trust you with the kids, but I can't,

unless I know everything that's going on over there.

- Isn't trust believing without knowing? - No, that's faith.

- Well, how about a little faith? - How about just cough up the information?

Okay, fine. But two can play at that game.

If I have to answer your questions, you have to answer mine.

Fine.

You already know about the fast food. What else?

- You let them go to bed anytime they want? - No, they have a bedtime.

Do you say nasty things about Barbra Jean in front of the kids?

- Yes. - [scoffs]

Do you ever let 'em have candy and soda at night?

Yes, that's my right as a father, but not very often.

Do you use our 13-year-old daughter as a spy?

- Yes. - Oh.

Do you make Jake take his vitamins? Does he brush his teeth?

- Who puts gum on his feet? - This is ridiculous.

Why her?

What?

Why her? Why Barbra Jean?

Why? [chuckles]

Come on, Reba. What does it matter?

'Cause it drives me crazy!

I mean, it's not like I want you back or anything.

It's just that...

it just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I'd get it if she was Miss NASCAR

or the girl that hands out the rubber worms down at the boat show.

Did you just want somebody taller?

She needs me, Reba.

- My kids needed you. - And they still have me.

And I will always be here for our kids. But you didn't need me, Reba.

- Oh, that's ridiculous. - No, it's not.

I mean, you can make toast. Barbra Jean can't.

Help me out here, Brock.

Is "make toast" code for something?

No. No, see, Barbra Jean loves makin' breakfast.

I mean, omelets, bacon, fresh-squeezed juice.

But she can't make toast. She always burns it.

So I make it. And when I bring the toast to the table,

I'm a big hero.

Boy, I didn't think it was gonna sound that stupid.

No, I get it.

I don't guess I made you feel much like a hero last couple of years.

Well, maybe that's because I wasn't much of a hero.

We okay?

Yeah.

I'll talk to ya later.

- Okay. - [door opens]

[door closes]

What kind of a moron can't make toast?

[theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]