Original subtitles

Cheyenne. Van, come on. Your birthing class starts in 15 minutes.

You wanna get there early so you can have time to relax.

Move it!

Mom, Van's trying to weenie out on me.

Little late for that, isn't it?

Why don't you wanna go?

I'm already taking basic math and weight lifting.

Another tough class could really mess up my G.P.A.

They don't grade in this class.

Oh, yeah. That's what my counselor said when he tricked me into taking math.

Come on, Van. This is right up your alley.

Free food and pictures of naked ladies.

You have to go. I'm gonna be counting on you in the delivery room.

But, I'm not even sure I belong there.

I mean, what if I faint? Or throw up?

Gross. You better not.

He'll do just fine. When have you ever known Van to waste food?

I just don't see why I'm the one who has to go.

[chuckles] Because you did this.

Cheer up, Van. You're gonna love this class. It's gonna be fun.

[woman] No moment in the birth process is as miraculous

as when the baby's head first appears.

Cool!

Ew!

[theme song playing]

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Oh, there you are, Kyra. That was the day you were born.

Why do I look like a conehead?

You get that from your father's side.

Hey. How was childbirth class?

It rocked!

You wouldn't believe what a female body can do.

Remind me. It's been a while.

First, there's this thing called a cervix.

- It's right where-- - We know, Van.

No, let him go. I'm dying to see where his is.

Unfortunately, I don't have one.

But if I did, it would start out this size.

And by the time the baby's ready to come out...

[gasps] It's this big!

Hello, Mommy.

- Stop it. - Ooh, Mommy's mad.

Don't make her come in there and get you.

Can we stop talking about childbirth, please?

Just take the drugs, honey.

Oh, how was your game, Jake?

Great. I only gave up ten goals.

Oh, that's wonderful, honey.

Obviously, neither one of you fully understand the game of soccer.

Hello, Brock. I never congratulated you on your wedding.

Just wanted to make sure you knew that.

What's that sound?

Oh, it's your last husband still a-runnin'.

Where you going?

Oh, B.J. and I were settin' up the nursery.

I thought I'd pick up the old crib.

Crib? Wait a minute. You wanna take our crib?

The one our three children slept in?

It's in the garage, right?

"Kyra? Jake? Could you give me a moment with your father?"

It is so cute that they know when to get lost.

It's too bad you don't. [chuckles]

I was saving that crib for our grandchild.

Well, Cheyenne doesn't want it, and I built it.

Cheyenne, can you come in here for a second?

Honey, don't you wanna use your crib for the baby?

I don't know. I mean, it's all old and it's getting all dusty in the garage.

- But, if you want me to-- - No. It's up to you.

Okay.

Nah.

Oh. Hey, Coach, did you ever take childbirth classes?

Oh, you don't need those. The doctors and nurses do all the work.

Yes, I have so many wonderful pictures

of me being comforted by orderly number two.

You know, our instructor said that a good coach

makes a huge difference in the delivery room.

Trust me, the only thing for the father to do

is jiggle the coins in his pocket and smile like an idiot.

I bet you're good at that.

Van is enjoying his class.

He knows that watching the birth of his child

is gonna be the highlight of his life.

Unlike you, he understands that childbirth is a miracle.

Oh, I know. I've been through three miracles.

You do remember that during miracle number three, you were on the 18th hole?

Of course I remember. I birdied that hole.

Just do me a favor.

Van's excited about seeing his daughter coming into the world.

Try not to squash that.

Hey, I'm as sensitive as the next guy.

So, the crib?

Just take it.

Don't you ever just wanna haul off and hit him?

What good would that do?

It would hurt him.

Aw, that stuff doesn't bother me anymore.

He wants to use your crib for his demon spawn.

Well, you heard Cheyenne. She doesn't want the crib.

Honey, this isn't about Cheyenne. This is about you.

You keep holding it in, somebody's gonna get hurt.

I just hope it's Brock and I am there to see it.

Okay. I'm off to my birthing class.

Forgetting anything, sport?

Three pillows. Stopwatch. Birthing manual.

I'll give you a little hint.

Cheyenne, hurry up! I don't wanna be late.

I have been studying. I wanna be a great coach.

Go ahead, ask me what the afterbirth is.

Okay. What's the afterbirth?

When everybody congratulates me and I pass out cigars.

Oh, actually, that was a joke.

No. The afterbirth is when the placenta is expelled from the uterus.

I'm done.

Cheyenne! Come on!

Hey, if we're late, we're gonna end up with the bad mat.

- Van, I'm not going. - You're supposed to call me coach.

Coach, I'm not going.

I have a huge paper due tomorrow. I forgot all about it.

- But what about our birthing class? - I'm sorry.

I should go study for my test.

I-- Wait. I thought you had a paper due.

Yeah. It's... It's, um, it's a test... paper.

You know, a take-home test paper. [chuckles] I should get started.

Oh, man.

What's wrong?

Well, Cheyenne's got a paper due and can't go.

How does everyone else juggle high school and birthing classes?

They don't start juggling till after high school.

The teacher was gonna pass out real rubber babies today.

Well, you can still go. You can take notes for Cheyenne.

No. A coach without a mommy's just stupid. I guess I'll miss the class too.

Okay.

Unless...

Will you be my mommy?

Okay. Mommies and coaches, please find a comfortable spot.

Didn't you have a different mommy last time?

His mommy's got a paper due. I'm his mommy's mommy.

- Well, welcome. - Thank you.

Excuse me.

[both] What are you doing here?

Oh, Reba. What a treat.

You're not pregnant, are you?

No, I'm still looking for the right married man.

I'm standing in for Cheyenne. What's your excuse?

Do I need an excuse to come to child-birthing class?

Well, you've got plenty of excuses for getting out of it.

Um, you all know each other?

It's a long and painful story for which I received no epidural.

Okay. Um, let's begin.

Coaches, grab a baby from the baby bin.

[exhales]

Mrs. H., I know this is a little awkward.

No, it's not awkward. Get down there.

No, no. You see, the way it works is the mommy lies down on the mat.

Van, I've already been to the mat three times.

Now, get down there and try to remember everything

because you're gonna be the one telling Cheyenne about it later.

I hope none of my friends see me like this.

Nobody's gonna make fun of you.

- Hey, look at Van. He's the mom. - [laughing]

Which is great.

First, we're going to begin with some deep, cleansing breaths.

[breathes deeply]

You will use these during the beginning stages of labor

to help you through the pain.

Now, as you transition to your...

[breathes rapidly] ...breaths,

you're going to feel the contractions quicken

and the pain intensify.

[breathing rapidly]

Easy, Van. Pace yourself.

Visualize your cervix stretching,

stretching and stretching

as you push the baby through your birth canal.

[cries out]

[exhales] Man, being the girl's hard.

No picnic being the man either.

So you've been through childbirth before?

Three times a papa. I've seen it all.

Well, since you're obviously the veteran here,

why don't you share some of your experience with us?

Well, all right. I will.

This oughta be rich.

You know, I have to be honest with you all, I...

I didn't take classes for my first three kids.

But when I was putting together the new baby's crib today,

it dawned on me how lucky I am.

Because I have another chance to do this right.

Watching the birth of this child is gonna be the highlight of my life.

I want you to know, sweetheart, I'll be there for you.

I'm not gonna miss a second of this miracle.

- [woman] Aww. - [applause]

Thank you. Thanks.

[grunts]

Show me how you hit Brock. With the uppercut

or a right hook or a sucker punch?

Please tell me you sucker-punched him.

Well, it was sort of like a combination between

a baseball and a wood-chopping swing.

Whack! Oh, it felt great!

Boy, now I can see why people get in the ring and pound on each other.

It was exhilarating!

Boy, if Brock was standing right there, I'd hit him again. [laughs]

You hit Daddy?

Jake. Honey, what are you doing up? Shouldn't you be in bed?

It's 5:30. You hit Daddy?

Oh, sweetie. Uh, hitting's... hitting's bad.

Uh, we don't hit in this family.

Uh...

Honey, run and go get your pajamas on.

I know it's not dark now, but it soon will be.

Oh, my God.

I hit the father of my children.

I used a baby as a weapon.

You go with what you got.

I've never hit anybody before. That's not my style.

I'm the one that's always in control.

You only hit him once. That's control.

I've got to apologize.

Why would you do that?

Because what I did was wrong.

Of course you were wrong, but you never, ever admit it.

Hello, Barbra Jean. Is Brock there?

I don't wanna talk to you.

Well, that's fine. I don't wanna talk to you either. I wanna talk to Brock.

Well, you can't. He's in the hospital.

Brock's in the hospital.

You sure know how to swing a baby.

Oh, my God, Marissa. This is it.

I love it. This is the color.

-"Champink." - [keys rattling]

- Oh, gotta go. - [beeps]

Oh, hi, Van. I didn't even hear you drive up.

I'm just... so busy working on my paper.

You will never believe what happened in class.

Oh, Van, I really can't talk right now. I'm up to here with my paper.

- Your mom hit your dad. - Tell me everything.

She coldcocked him with one of our practice babies.

His head almost fell off.

The baby's, not your dad's.

- Oh, my God. Is Dad okay? - Oh, he's fine. He's fine.

He used the pain-management breathing technique.

All the moms were really impressed.

That's unbelievable.

I would've gone if I'd known it was gonna be that interesting.

What about your test paper?

Well, I mean, if I... if I didn't have a paper, which... which I do. [chuckles]

You know, tonight's class really opened my eyes.

Lying there on the mat with my knees up by my ears,

waiting for my cervix to dilate,

I just couldn't help thinking,

"I am so glad I don't have a cervix."

Cheyenne, you're amazing.

- I am? - Yeah. Well, not yet. But you will be.

I mean, we saw more movies tonight,

and every time a baby came out of somebody, I thought, "Wow!

Cheyenne's gonna be doing that."

- Okay-- - And I'm gonna be with you

every step of the way holding your hand through the pain

and the sweat and the screaming.

- Great. Thanks, honey. - No.

[kisses] Thank you.

[man] What are you in for?

All in all, It's been quite a day.

First, I get beat up in birthing class by my ex-wife.

Then, I'm carrying the crib into the baby's room with my current wife,

she drops the dang thing on my toe.

Don't... Don't make me laugh. [laughs heartily] Oh, don't make me laugh.

I just got my stomach stapled last week.

So which wife are you in here for?

The crib dropper. Oh, here she is now.

Hey, sweetie. I found the insurance stuff in the condo,

and I just finished filling out all the forms.

I love writing "Mrs. Dr. Brock Hart."

Honey, can you find out what's taking so long?

They were supposed to X-ray my toe an hour ago.

I already asked.

They said toes get low priority.

Oh, I feel so terrible about what I did.

Is there anything else I can do for ya? Are you hungry?

Fred, you want a pizza?

Okay, that's not funny.

Extra cheese for me and get Fred a juice.

Right away.

Oh, and honey, I'm kind of cold. Could you cover me up?

Oh, yeah, you bet, sweetie.

- Okay. - [groans]

- And, uh, fluff my pillow. - I'm on it. Stat.

Pizza, sweetie?

Sorry. I'm gone.

Man, you are really working her.

Hey, my foot hurts.

How's the fake paper going?

Do you know everything?

Pretty much.

You're freaked out about this baby thing, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm freaked out. Wouldn't you? What if I'm not ready?

What if I'm never ready? I mean, what if I don't have it in me?

Oh. It's in you.

Cheyenne, let me tell you a little story.

Have you ever heard of the Lenni-Lenape Indians?

Yes.

Anyway. There was a Lenni-Lenape woman named Moonka.

One night, she wandered away from her tribe in search of water.

- As she squatted by a stream-- - I hate the word squat.

Stay with me. As she squatted by a stream, she suddenly went into labor.

So, alone in the woods, she delivered her baby all by herself.

- And do you know who that baby is today? - Who?

- Cher. - Really?

No. I made the whole thing up.

Then who was it?

The point is, your body already knows how to give birth.

You can stop worrying. Everything's gonna work out.

You really think so?

If you have one ounce of Mom in you, you'll do fine.

Thanks, Kyra.

Cher. [scoffs]

You already had your X-rays. Why don't you go on home?

When you're done.

Brock, are you all right?

B.J. told me you were in the hospital. I can't believe I hit you that hard.

So you're not mad at me anymore?

Of course not. I feel terrible.

So, what'd I do, crack a rib?

Well, I don't know. They haven't done the X-rays yet.

- Wait. I thought you said they're gonna-- - Go home, Fred.

Hey there, cutie. In about six weeks, I'm gonna be 100 pounds lighter.

- Maybe you and I could-- - Go home, Fred.

I don't know why I snapped today.

It's just that... The last place I expected to see you was in that class.

Well, I'm definitely regretting that decision.

When I saw you standin' in front of all those people,

pledging to be a good husband and a good father,

I just kept thinking,

"Where was that guy when we were married?"

What were we, your practice family?

Oh look, Reba. I know I made mistakes.

That's why I wanna be better this time around.

But that just makes things worse for you

and I feel terrible about that.

I repeat, where was that guy when we were married?

Hey, if I knew how to fix this, I would.

But I don't know what to do.

Tell me what to do.

What am I supposed to say?

I can't tell you not to be a better father to your new child.

I can't tell you to be a lousy husband to Barbra Jean.

No matter how much I'd like to.

That's what's so frustrating about all this.

And I can't tell you not to be a better man.

But you've got to quit rubbing my nose in it.

You're right.

I was a real jerk for saying those things in front of you.

Heck, I deserved to be hit.

Dad-blame your hide.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I hurt ya.

- [snaps] - [cries out]

This is why you're in here?

Not because of me?

Barbra Jean dropped the crib on my toe.

Unbelievable.

Just when I think you're becoming a better man,

you pull something like this.

Oh! Where is a plastic baby when you need one?

[cries out]

[closing theme music playing]