Original subtitles

So are you kids excited about your big weekend?

Oh, yeah. Two fun-filled days with Dad and Barbra Jesus.

Aw, come on.

It's a chance to spend some quality time between you and your father...

and between me and a box of fine chardonnay.

Barbra Jean wants us to call her Mommy B.J.

Don't.

Van, I am sorry, but we are not naming our baby after Vinny Testaverde.

You know, I think I'd prefer something simple,

like... like Laura.

Oh, Laura's a pretty name.

Oh, yeah. For a girl.

Do you like Pete? Pete is a cool name.

We're gonna find out the sex of our baby in a couple hours.

We can talk cool names then.

Like Pete.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, Brock. Kids, go get your stuff.

Actually, slight change of plans.

- The kids can't stay overnight. - Yes!

All right, what's the lame excuse this time?

John D. passed away.

Oh, Brock, I'm so sorry.

Who's John D?

John D. Hart, Daddy's father.

Remember that guy who let you puff his cigar?

Oh, yeah.

I liked him.

Brock, I can't believe this. How did it happen?

He had a heart attack on the golf course.

Well, at least he died doing something he loved.

Swingin' at a golf ball.

Actually, he was swinging at a swan.

[theme song playing]

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Why did Grandpa hit a swan?

It honked at him.

Please tell me there's more.

Well, he was on the golf course, about to putt,

when this swan starts yappin' at him.

Now, everybody knows you don't mess with John D. when he's puttin'.

Apparently the bird didn't get the message.

- When is the funeral? - I don't know.

Who handles that sort of thing?

Kids, would you give your dad and me a minute, please?

Mom, maybe we should cancel the ultrasound.

Oh, no, don't.

A soul passes on so another can be born.

- Keep your appointment. - Absolutely.

Maybe we should name the baby after John D.

Well, now, that's real sweet, Van, but, frankly,

John D. wasn't the type of guy you'd name your kid after.

Maybe if you had a mule.

Oh, all right.

You kids, go on to your doctor's appointment.

Brock, you were John D.'s only son.

You have a responsibility.

Why?

He left when I was 12, he came drunk to my graduation,

and he only calls once a year to see how you're doing.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But it's still your job to plan the funeral.

Yeah, okay. Will you help me out?

Me? Don't you have a new little helper?

Oh, come on. B.J. never even met the man.

But you and John D. go way back.

Please?

Come on, Reba. You know I'm not good with this emotional stuff.

That's always been your area.

Oh, all right. I'll help.

[sighs] Where's John D. now?

Oh, geez, Reba. I'm not a religious man.

We, at the Hudson Funeral Home,

know how painful the loss of a loved one is.

So we offer a variety of plans

to best suit your needs.

Do you have the "get 'em in the ground as cheaply as possible" plan?

That would be this one here.

Brock, you can't put your father in a plain pine box.

It's not plain, it's got handles.

Mr. Hudson, what would you recommend?

If I could pick my own casket, and I have,

I'd go with our Excalibur model.

Five layers of solid steel.

Leather interior. Guaranteed against water penetration and rust.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much?

$6,000.

$6,000?

Well, can't we just chuck a pillow in the pine box?

Isn't there a mid-price model?

Sort of like a coffin version of the Buick Century.

Well, um, this one just came... back.

Priced to move at 1,500.

Wrap it up.

Oh, and finally,

would you prefer a open or closed casket?

Closed.

And locked.

Well?

It's a girl! [screams]

Oh, baby, I'm so happy!

- It's a girl! - Ah!

Yeah.

But remember, the nurse said the ultrasound isn't conclusive.

There's only an 80% chance it's not a boy.

Oh, but we saw her on the monitor,

- and she did not have a you know what. - [laughing]

Maybe he had a small you know what.

Like Blinsky, the left tackle.

Let's go up and talk names. I know that I said Laura,

but after seeing her, I...

I think she's a Tiffany.

- Oh! - [both laughing]

Great. First he's got a small one,

and now you want to give him a girl's name?

- [knock at door] - Come in.

[sniffles]

My heart is so heavy.

There, there.

Brock, I've ordered the flowers,

and I've reserved the small chapel at the mortuary.

Now, I figured since it's just the seven of us, we can drive ourselves.

Reba, uh, regarding the funeral...

- Hmm? - ...B.J. has a few suggestions.

- Oh? - Yes.

Brock told me what you were planning, and it did seem a trifle...

insufficient.

Now, we all know the Lord frowns on small services.

So I have asked all 80 members of my church to be present,

and they've agreed.

And as we speak, a Baptist choir is en route on a chartered bus.

You're busin' in Baptists?

Not just any Baptists,

Shreveport Baptists.

It's been said they sing directly into the ear of God.

[pops lips]

I thought we agreed to keep this small.

But John D. is my future father-in-law.

You do know he's dead.

Anyway, after I read my poem,

I will give the signal for the release of 100 white doves.

- Doves? - Mmm.

The man beat the crap out of a swan, for God's sake!

You, kitchen. Now.

[groans] Oh!

Poor little Jakey.

Come give a hug to Mommy B.J.

Come here.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you must be so, so sad about Grandpa.

I don't really remember him.

- You'll get to see him again one day. - How?

In heaven.

See, when you die, an angel comes down and whisks you up to heaven.

And when you get there,

you get to meet all the wonderful people who have ever died,

from Adam and Eve to Frank Sinatra.

I just wanna know why you dragged me into this,

if you're gonna let her turn it into

B.J.'s Flying Circus.

Well, sometimes it's just easier to let her have her way.

And that's the way it always is with you, isn't it?

Making things easier.

Easier?

Those singing Baptists are costing me a grand.

You know, there's a sayin' that a man

doesn't really become a man until his father dies.

But you're just shooting that full of holes, aren't ya?

Look, I don't really care how we do it.

I just want to get it done.

John D. wouldn't want any part of this junk, and you know it.

He'd have been a lot better off

if they just left him out there on that stupid golf course.

That's a fancy course, Reba. They won't even let you wear shorts.

What ya looking at?

Oh, it's an old album with photos of John D.

Oh, wow. He looks just like Dad.

How come he never came around?

Well, let's see.

He did take a swing at your dad at the '85 Cotton Bowl,

but they went golfing the very next day.

He sure did like to swing at things.

Then another time they almost came to blows over stacking charcoal.

Sounds like they had some issues.

Yeah, we had a gas grill.

But, you know, I think the real problem was that

your daddy has never forgiven him for running out on the family

when he was still a kid.

- That's so sad. - Hmm.

No wonder Dad's dysfunctional.

- Hey. - Hey.

I understand everything now, Dad.

What are you doing here?

You were right, Reba.

John D. would be better off on a golf course.

So that's where he's going. I've got his ashes out in the car.

What?

What you said to me yesterday really hit home.

So instead of some bogus funeral

with doves and phony mourners, I had him cremated.

And you and I are gonna spread John D.'s ashes

on the 12th hole at River Lakes.

You're serious.

One of the most beautiful holes in the county.

Brock, I am not about to go with you and your cremated father

to a golf course in the middle of the night.

I remember one time you went to a golf course with me

in the middle of the night.

Yeah, and look where it got me.

Please, Reba.

I swear I will never, ever ask you for anything again.

Brock, don't think for a second that that puppy dog face

is gonna work on me anymore.

Do you want me to rake or sprinkle?

All right, now, try and spread him evenly.

Golfers have to hit shots out of here tomorrow.

Don't you think you ought to say a few words or somethin'?

Right, right. Absolutely.

Uh...

We are gathered here to say good-bye to John D. Hart,

a hard-working man who...

worked hard. Start raking.

That isn't a proper eulogy for a father.

Well, he wasn't a proper father.

Help me out here. You're the talker.

All right.

John D. Hart was a...

was a, uh...

Ain't easy, is it?

Free spirit who lived life to the fullest.

And although he didn't live a perfect life,

I believe, on the inside, he had a good heart.

Except right there at the end, of course.

May he find peace in heaven.

Amen. Let's do it.

Hey, hey, hey. Lookie there.

A perfectly good Titleist.

That's a good omen.

[siren wails]

[officer] Freeze! Police! Drop your weapon!

Van, are you disappointed we're having a girl?

Well, maybe a little.

Cheyenne, when you told me you were pregnant,

I saw a little boy.

Well, after I threw up.

And all I ever thought about was all the stuff I was gonna teach him.

But that changed yesterday.

I mean, does a daughter care about zone coverage?

What's zone coverage?

See?

Girls aren't into defensive strategy or cool cars

or loud belching. [belches]

- Gross. - See?

I'm gonna have zero in common with a daughter.

What did you eat?

Mom! Mom!

Jake, what's wrong?

An angel took me to heaven, and Frank Sinatra beat me up.

Come here, big guy.

I think you got the wrong idea about heaven.

- You don't get beat up there. - Really?

Oh, no. Bullies aren't allowed.

That's why they call it heaven.

So the angels aren't mean?

No, no, no. They're too busy passin' out Game Boys.

Really?

And when they're not doing that,

they're making chocolate chip cookies as big as your head.

- Cool. - Yeah.

I'll tell you what.

Go back to bed, and I'll check on you in a few minutes.

- Thanks, Van. - Aw.

What?

That was great what you just did.

Well, it's easy. He's a boy.

Girls have nightmares too.

About what?

Mismatching their sweaters with last year's shoes?

And other scary stuff. [scoffs]

And just like boys,

they need their daddies to make things all better again too.

[sighs] You know, now that I think about it,

Laura is a pretty name.

Actually, I'm starting to like Cheyenne, Jr.

Yeah?

Well, I looked it up, and guess what?

You can't sprinkle dead people on a golf course.

Well, if this isn't typical John D.

Even from the grave, he's causing me problems.

You remember what he pulled at our wedding?

"Does anyone here have any cause why these two shouldn't be married?"

And he stands up and says, "I do. That woman's too good for the bum."

Amazing how he knew even way back then.

What a psycho to do that to his own son.

- He did apologize. - Yeah, five years later.

It was the day that tropical storm, Jacklyn hit.

Yeah, I remember.

I had just given birth to Kyra,

and we were on our way home from the hospital...

to a house with no roof.

John D. did help me fix it.

Help?

He did it all while you sat on a lounge chair drinkin' Budweisers.

Well, that's because he wouldn't let me touch his precious hammer.

He didn't want you to hurt your hands.

He was so proud that you were a dentist.

- He was? - Yeah.

How come he never told me that?

Maybe he didn't know how.

Maybe he didn't know how to tell you a lot of things.

Hey.

Did I ever tell you about me and Bobby Adkins?

Mmm-mmm.

Bobby was this fifth grade bully

who used to kick my ass at least twice a week.

Well, when John D. found out,

he decided it was time for me to learn how to duke.

So every night, we'd put on the gloves and slug it out.

Then one day, he sent me out to settle the score.

- And you pulverized Bobby. - No, he beat me silly.

When I got home,

John D. apologized for sending me out too soon.

Then he went out and...

had a few words with Bobby's dad.

Bobby never bothered me again after that.

[chuckles] That's a true story.

My father's dead, Reba.

That's the first time you said father instead of John D.

[sobs]

It's okay.

- It's okay. - No.

No, it's not okay.

I really blew it, Reba. I really blew it.

Brock, your father had a really good life.

And I'm sure he knew you loved him.

I'm not just talking about him.

Brock, your father just died, and you're upset.

Don't say things you'll be sorry for tomorrow.

I will be sorry...

forever. [sobs]

Stop this. Brock, you made a choice.

While you were out running around trying to find yourself,

I was the one that was at home with our kids, trying to be strong.

And there was many a nights I cried myself to sleep

over this whole mess.

But I'm through cryin'.

So you grieve for John D.

And if you need to, you grieve for us.

I already have.

Well, I just got off the phone with the golf course, and I just--

Are you cryin'?

No.

Well, you're free to go.

Thank you.

But John D. Hart has to go with you.

That's a pretty big bag.

Well, there might be some sand in there, ma'am,

but we wanted to make sure we got all of him.

Careful. He's kind of heavy.

He ain't heavy.

He's my father.

Tell me you didn't just say that.

The 12th hole at River Lakes.

You know what, buddy?

This is where your grandfather taught me how to hit a golf ball.

Why can't we come here in the daytime?

'Cause Daddy's been banned from the club.

[whispering] Hit the turf!

Ah, it's all right. It's just headlights.

Hey, Jake,

you know how much I love you, right?

Yes, Dad. You told me 50 times today.

Well, you might have to hear it another 50.

All right. Give me the bag.

Is that Grandpa?

It's just some of him.

I dumped the rest of him in the mud pit at the Kit Kat Club.

What did Grandpa teach you there?

[chuckles]

That's a story for another night.

[theme music playing]