Original subtitles

Man, I had the weirdest dream about the baby last night.

Oh, was it a boy or a girl?

Oh, it was a boy.

A goat boy.

Half goat, half boy.

- [laughs] Gross. - Do you think it means something?

Well, we'd all know where the goat half came from.

I want a goat boy!

Would everybody please stop talking about my baby that way?

Remember when I felt him move and we both thought it was an elbow?

Yeah.

What if it was a hoof?

- Huh? - Honey, we are not having a goat boy.

But even if we were, I'd still love him 'cause he would be ours.

[chuckles softly]

[bleats]

That's not funny.

Okay, thank you so much.

So, what are the cool kids at school wearin' these days?

Usually what I'm wearing.

Well, without the elastic.

Well, I hope this'll do,

'cause your mother

just got called for her first substitute teaching assignment.

Oh, please say you're not gonna be at my school.

No, actually I'm at Van and Cheyenne's.

- Oh, then congratulations. - [Reba] Thanks.

Wait a minute. You're gonna be teaching at my high school?

I didn't know you were a teacher. You seem so nice.

That's how I put Brock through dental school.

I planned to go back after you kids got a little older.

Mom, do you have any concept

of the embarrassment this is gonna cause me?

[chuckles] Wait a minute.

You walk around your school pregnant,

and my being there is an embarrassment?

Yes.

[laughs hysterically]

[theme song playing]

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

I appreciate you coming in on such short notice, Mrs. Hart.

Isn't it ironic how just a few months ago

I was trying to force your daughter out of our school, and now I need your help.

Ain't that a kick?

Well, this is your classroom here.

Thanks. I'm really excited to get back to teaching.

I've always loved to help kids learn.

Oh, don't expect to teach anything.

Being a substitute is just glorified babysitting.

If you can keep your students from tearing up the furniture, you've done your job.

Well, have a good day. And don't let anybody get pregnant.

[laughs sarcastically]

- [Cheyenne giggles] - [Mrs. Hodge] Uh-uh.

- Hey, you guys. - Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery.

So do you guys want a boy or a girl?

It doesn't matter, as long as it's human.

There it goes again. Put your hand here.

[gasps] I felt it! It's so weird!

All right. This is a school, not a petting zoo.

Why would you say petting zoo?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm substituting today for Mr. Swanson.

Hey, me and Eric are in your first period.

Eric and I.

Oh, God.

Hey, look at that!

I already taught you something, and class hasn't even started yet.

This is so humiliating.

What are you talking about? Your mom is so great.

Yeah, but did you see those shoes?

[school bell ringing]

[Reba] Good morning, class.

My name is Mrs. Hart.

Drop the paper, turn off the TV,

and you in the red hat, sit down.

How'd you do that?

A teacher never reveals her secrets.

I'm gonna figure you out.

Good luck.

Now, it says here you've been reading Romeo and Juliet.

Our teacher doesn't make us read. He just let us watch the movie.

Is that right, Chuck?

How'd you know my name?

I told you. I've got special powers.

And it's written on your backpack.

Look, it's been a while since I've been in the classroom.

But trust me, I know all the tricks.

There's not a trick that's ever been done

that I haven't seen or done myself.

If you want to go out--

[all laughing]

Okay, that's a new one.

Up. Up. Up!

Dad, how come Harry Potter can do it, but I can't?

I don't know, son.

Wouldn't you rather play with a football

or one of my golf clubs instead of a broom?

Hey, the teacher's home.

- Hey, Reba. - What are you doing here?

Well, what are you doing taking a job without consulting me?

I'm sorry. Aren't we getting a divorce?

I gotta tell you, I don't like the idea

of turning our children into latchkey kids.

I smell your influence here.

It was "latchkey"

- that gave it away, wasn't it? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm glad that Kyra called me. This is something we oughta discuss.

Hey, doesn't anyone wanna ask how my day was?

- How was your day, Mom? - Oh, thank you very much.

Well, I started my day off sittin' in a booby-trapped chair.

Then some genius stuffed paper in the heater, which started a fire.

And then two of my students in my last class

went to the bathroom, never came back.

Why in the world would you wanna put yourself through that?

I love it, and it challenges me.

And you know what? I'd forgotten how good of a teacher I was.

Well, that's great, Reba. I sure would feel better

if there was someone here with the kids.

Oh, Brock, Kyra's more than capable of watching Jake for an hour and a half.

But if it still worries you, you can close your office early

on the days that I work.

Well, I might just do that.

Except on Tuesdays.

I have golf.

And on Fridays...

I have golf.

But call me if you need anything, kids. You know my schedule.

I thought so.

Eric, heads up.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Mrs. H.

You should hear the good buzz you got going at school.

Oh, you know how I thrive on good buzz.

- Now? - Yeah.

So, everybody, we wanted you to be the first to know.

Eric and I are getting married!

Oh, my God! You're pregnant?

What?

No. We're in love. Just like you and Van.

- [gasps] - [chuckles]

Are you sure you're not pregnant?

Oh, yeah, we're sure.

We were gonna wait till after graduation, to get married, but we figured, why not?

Congratulations!

Oh, it's gonna be so cool having another married couple at school.

Yeah. Why don't you just start a club?

Kids, this is crazy.

Have you talked to your parents about this?

Well, no. We were afraid they weren't gonna be as cool as you are.

I mean, how did Cheyenne and Van tell you?

My seven-year-old son found the pregnancy test.

You should've seen how cool I was then.

Look, Mom totally freaked at first, but then she came around.

I am so excited for you guys.

Cheyenne, Van, can I speak to y'all in the living room?

[Cheyenne] Yeah.

Stay single until I get back.

What are you doin'?

You know it's a bad idea for those two to get married.

I know. It's crazy. She's not even pregnant.

So? They're in love.

It's cute that another couple wants to be like us.

Cute? Bunny slippers are cute.

You are married, pregnant teenagers. You're not supposed to be role models.

[scoffs] Can we help it if people wanna be like us?

Yes! Those two are your friends.

We gotta go in there and show them how tough marriage really is.

That's gonna be really hard.

Guys, you do know that this isn't for everyone, don't you?

[both] Yeah.

All right. Then put on a sad face and get back in there.

Aww, isn't that sweet.

Quit it!

- I'm sorry. - Have a seat.

Cheyenne and Van would like to talk to you about your decision.

We might make being married look easy.

But you know what?

It isn't.

It really, really... isn't.

Well said, Van.

Yeah, and it may be fun a lot of the time,

but there are some times that it is...

It is, whoo, it is not fun at all.

Whoo! Not fun at all.

They get it.

I don't think they do.

The chances of a teen marriage surviving is next to nothing.

The chances of any marriage making it is less than 50%.

Yeah, look at my mom.

But right now we're talking about them.

But, Mrs. Hart, look at Cheyenne and Van. They're so happy.

Look, I know their life looks like love and kisses.

But there's a lot you don't see.

Cheyenne?

Uh, yeah. Like, um, well, like space.

When you're dating, you wanna be together all the time, but...

when you're married, you really miss time to yourself.

I feel like he's crowding me all the time.

I'm crowding you?

And that's the worst part. He doesn't even know it.

Maybe you feel crowded because you're looking at the same face every day

and realizing you never got to shop around and date other people.

Oh, so you wish you'd dated other people?

Yeah. Yeah, I've thought about it, in between crowding you!

This is the time you're gonna be going to college.

That's when you meet new people, go to parties, choose a career.

Why would you want to tie yourself down to a marriage and possibly kids?

Yeah. Why?

If your love is as strong as you say it is, it'll wait.

Why do you wanna rush into a marriage?

Come on. You can tell me. Remember? I'm cool.

To be honest, we're ready to take the next step in our relationship.

You mean sex?

[both] Yes!

Oh, come on! That's not a good enough reason.

Marriage is a huge responsibility

that you just don't jump into because of hormones.

Well, now I don't know what we should do.

Yeah, I... I guess we should talk about it some more.

Now you're bein' smart.

If Cheyenne weren't pregnant, there's no way I'd let her get married.

Thanks, Mrs. Hart.

You're welcome. See ya.

Whew! We dodged a bullet there.

You guys were wonderful.

- Good job. - Yeah, you, too.

Is there any more milk?

- Nope. - Great.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you could go to the store and shop around for some more.

Oh, are you trying to get me out of the house

so you can have more space?

Oh, stop it.

I just said that to keep Eric and Marissa from making a huge mistake.

Oh. Like we did?

Yeah. You know, why tie themselves down?

Now Marissa can go to the college

that she wants to, whether they have a football team or not.

And Eric can accept a scholarship to Notre Dame,

no matter what their married housing is like.

And Marissa can spend her junior year in France

like she's always dreamed of.

- Great. And Van-- - Hmm?

I mean, Eric...

can join a fraternity and do a lot of really stupid stuff.

If that's how you feel, why did you marry me?

Excuse me for wanting to do the right thing.

Maybe it wasn't the right thing.

You didn't have to say yes.

I'm sorry. I didn't know any better. I was young.

"The gentle sin is this."

"My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

to smooth the rough touch with a gentle kiss."

Now, Chuck, what do you think Romeo was asking here?

I guess he's telling her he wants to kiss her.

But I don't know what pilgrims have to do with it.

It's just more of a poetic way of asking.

Ms. Hart, poetry might have worked back then,

but today a dude needs a car.

Actually, that's not true.

Try a little poetry and a nice pair of tights,

and you won't believe the attention you'll get.

Excuse me. Mrs. Hart, I need to speak with you.

- Now? - Now.

[all] Ooh!

All right. Continue your reading.

And remember, I can see through walls.

What's going on?

Juliet's about to take her dirt nap, as Chuck would say.

Your services are no longer required.

- We're hiring another substitute. - Why?

Marissa Devin's mother just phoned me.

She told me that she walked in on her daughter

about to have sex with Eric Rovner.

[Chuck] Oh, man! So close.

Quiet, hooligans!

Imagine Mrs. Devin's surprise to find out that it was all your idea.

What?

You didn't counsel them to have sex?

No, I told them they didn't have to get married just to have sex.

Oh, that didn't sound right.

See, they wanted to get married, so they could be like Van and Cheyenne.

That sounded worse.

But I made it clear that teenagers should not get married.

- They should have sex instead. - No. I would have never said that.

- They misunderstood me. - Mrs. Hart, it is bad enough

that you allow your daughter to go around flaunting her big mistake.

But it is not okay for you to suggest that others follow in her footsteps.

They came to me asking for advice.

What was I supposed to say?

The policy of this school is that sex doesn't exist.

How's that working for you?

I'm sorry. I've made my decision.

So I'm losing my job because two kids almost had sex?

You're being replaced because you put the idea in their heads.

To have sex? It's in every teenager's head in America!

And most of them don't even know me.

Teachers have to be role models.

They can't go around promoting this type of behavior.

I'm not promoting anything.

By allowing married teenagers to live

and have sex in your house, you are.

Oh, good. Reba.

I'm glad you're here. You know...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this job thing.

I overreacted. I support you going back to work.

- And whatever I can do to help-- - I got fired.

Ah, well.

How did my life get so twisted around?

One day everything's goin' just fine,

and the next day I'm a poster mom for teen marriage and teen sex.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?

I gave some advice, and it was misunderstood.

Two of Cheyenne's friends want to get married

because Van and Cheyenne make it look so fun.

That's ridiculous. Everybody knows marriage isn't fun.

Have I made it too easy for Van and Cheyenne?

I mean, let's face it. They got it pretty darn good.

I gave them a nice wedding.

They have food on the table, warm beds to sleep in...

together.

I can see where it would look appealing to a lot of kids.

What were you supposed to do? Throw 'em out in the street?

His folks did. You wanted to.

No, I said send her away.

Look, every family has to make their own decision.

There's no one right answer.

Now, you did what you thought was best.

And you know what? It was a brave decision.

You took them in, and you've let them live as normal a life as possible.

Well, at least they're gonna finish high school.

Even if I'm not.

You are there for them every day,

and I don't know that I've ever thanked you for that.

No, you haven't.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I never meant to be a role model.

Hey, you know what? I think you're a pretty darn good one.

Hey, it's a work day. Shouldn't you be playin' golf?

Well, I thought it was more important to come over here and talk to you.

And it's ladies' day at the club.

Whatcha doin' out here?

Mom, if you knew Van and I weren't gonna make it,

why would you let us get married in the first place?

Would you have listened to me?

- Don't I always? - Huh.

Well, the condom speech certainly didn't take.

All right. We probably would have eloped anyway.

And I'd be living in a trailer somewhere, barefoot and pregnant.

[laughs] Oh, honey, it wouldn't have been that bad.

We both know you'd have found a way to buy shoes.

Cheyenne, we all know that the odds aren't great for you and Van.

But I never said you can't make it.

You know what? I thought if we loved each other enough,

everything else would take care of itself.

Well, the good news is,

you have a better chance of making it

as long as you understand how hard it is going in.

Hey.

Got milk.

- Do you wanna marry me? - Huh?

You heard me.

Knowing what we know now, would you still marry me?

Would you still marry me?

Yeah.

Do you, Van, take me to be your wife,

even if you didn't get a chance to shop around?

I do. And do you, Cheyenne, take me,

even though I'm taking away your privacy and you can't go to France?

I do.

And do you take me, even if I give birth to the goat boy?

[bleats] Ye-e-eah.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[giggles]

[Cheyenne chuckles] Oh.

[Reba] If you have any more questions about sex, you come to me.

No, Mom. I think you covered everything.

[Reba] Next!

[closing theme music playing]