Original subtitles

Oh, it feels so good to be out shopping again.

Do you know how long it's been

since I've been in a store without a produce section?

Girlfriend, don't look now,

but there's a guy been starin' at you ever since we sat down.

Really? What's he look like?

Blue eyes, hard body. But I cannot tell if that's his real hair.

Oh! You!

What? We've gotta ease you back into the dating scene.

Well, he is kinda cute.

I won't have to worry about him running off.

- Here you go. - Oh, let me get it.

No, no, no. I had the steak,

you only had salad, show-off.

This is my treat. The divorce is final next month.

He got custody of the MasterCard, I got the Visa.

There you go.

Oh, you know what? Let's come back on Saturday.

The cosmetic department's giving a free makeover.

Oh, that sounds great. I been wantin' to change my look.

I'm thinking Halle Berry.

I can see that.

I'm sorry, ma'am. Your card's been...

[whispers] declined.

- What? - [whispers] Declined.

- Here, just use mine. - No, no, no.

There must be a mistake. Are you sure you did it right?

I ran it through four times.

Reba, let me.

No! No, this is my treat.

I know I've got some money in here somewhere.

[mutters] No.

[continues muttering]

Oh. [chuckles]

I don't suppose you'd take Oak Elementary carnival dollars, would ya?

[theme song playing]

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Four thousand dollars for a diamond tiara?

Look, it's pretty obvious

my credit card number's been stolen by a thief...

or a princess.

Yeah, you'd better cancel my credit card account.

Fine, I'll hold.

Mom, are we poor?

No, honey, there's just been a mix-up with my credit card.

Most children living in poverty are from broken homes.

I'm just saying we fit the profile.

Yes, I'm still here.

No. No!

No, I didn't make any of those purchases.

Okay, thanks.

[chuckles]

What kind of a sick person would buy a diamond tiara,

Foxy Lady lingerie,

and then go on a $175 shopping spree

at the Joy for Jesus bookstore?

[together] Barbra Jean!

That does it.

She can have my husband, but nobody touches my credit cards.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey.

- Where you going? - To your father's condo

to strangle a princess.

Have fun.

[phone rings]

Hello?

It's the principal for Mom.

Uh-oh.

See? Someone was looking.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

[imitating Reba] Yes, this is Cheyenne's mom.

Can I help you?

You're not Mom.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, you're Kyra's principal.

Mm-hmm. She wasn't in school today?

[chuckles] Well, of course, I knew that.

That's because she was sick as a dog today.

I must've plumb forgot to call.

Everything's been so crazy around here,

what with all the--

the bakin' I do.

Okay.

Bye now.

You skipped school today?

I never knew you had it in you.

Did you get a tattoo, or pierce something, or what?

I ditched and went to the downtown library, okay?

Maya Angelou was there.

And do I know this Maya?

Are you gonna tell Mom?

Don't worry. I'm too cool to rat out someone for skipping school.

But next time at least go to the mall.

Thanks. I owe you one.

Yeah.

Now wait.

Skipping school is wrong.

Oh, come on. You two have done it.

And look where it's gotten us.

- Van! - We're about to be parents.

This is no joke.

A year from now it could be our child skipping school.

We should use this opportunity to practice our parenting.

Good idea.

And if we screw up, it's just her.

- Okay. - Hey,

I'm not gonna be your guinea pig.

Would you rather be Mom's guinea pig?

This bites.

Okay, we need to come up with a punishment.

My dad used to take away my driving privileges for a week.

I think that's fair.

Van, Kyra's not gonna drive for four years.

Four years? Oh, that seems harsh.

Okay, I think...

- that you should go clean our room. - Yeah.

What? No way.

Oh. All right, then.

Maybe I'll have a little talk with Mom.

I hate you both.

Thank you.

We're gonna be great parents.

[knocking on door]

Reba, hi.

We need to talk about my Visa.

Uh, now? I'm kinda in the middle of something.

So was I. A nice afternoon with my friend,

until my Visa was rejected

because your mistress went on a shopping spree with my card!

Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?

Oh, hi, Reba!

We were just thinkin' about you.

Please don't do that anymore.

Look, I'm sorry about the mix-up.

I obviously handed B.J. the wrong credit card. It's no big deal.

It's no big deal that she spent $4,000 on a diamond tiara?

[mouthing] Four--

[chuckles nervously]

It was on sale!

Besides, if I'm gonna wear the plain white suit

instead of a real wedding dress,

I have to have somethin' to make me feel like a real bride.

Oh, yes! The traditional bride's tiara.

Reba,

I feel like this is my fault.

[whispers] So do I.

Oh.

You know, I'm... I'm so sorry about the credit card.

Everything has just been so crazy,

what with the wedding being in two weeks.

You're planning on getting married in two weeks?

- [squeals] Yes! - Uh... [chuckles]

Barbra Jean, uh, could you give us a moment?

Sure.

Two weeks?

Well, see... see this dental convention came up in St. Thomas,

and I just figured we could get married there without all the hassles.

And the best part is, the whole thing is a huge...

tax write-off.

Brock, our divorce is not final for another month.

Now, I realize the rules of marriage

have always been a little shaky for you,

but you can't be married to two women at the same time.

They even made a law about it!

Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.

See, my lawyer explained that there's this form that you can sign

that allows B.J. and me to get married before our divorce

is technically final.

You want me to sign a permission slip for bigamy?

Now, see, you make it sound all wrong.

It is wrong! You haven't even told the kids!

Look, when I booked this trip, I thought our divorce would be final.

And I didn't want to upset you.

Oh, findin' out this way is so much better.

Come on, Reba.

You knew Barbra Jean and I were gettin' married.

I can come over this weekend so you can sign the form.

Please? It'd really help me out.

I'm tired of helping you out.

If you wanna get married, you have to wait for your divorce,

just like the rest of the cheatin' husbands.

It's not your birthday, it's not Valentine's Day,

and I see flowers.

Some man done you wrong.

Brock's tryin' to butter me up

to sign that quickie divorce paper this afternoon.

Well, he can send you all the roses in Texas.

You stand firm. He deserves to suffer.

Are those brownies?

Help yourself.

It's not that I'm tryin' to make Brock suffer.

It's the principle of the thing.

Why should I make it any easier for him?

Mmm. You're damn straight.

Do you have any idea where Brock and I spent our honeymoon?

Two nights in Lubbock on the way to dental school.

Sucks bein' the first wife, doesn't it?

Let's forget about Brock

- and go get our free makeovers. - Mmm.

Oh! Why are you doin' laundry?

I don't remember threatening to cut off your allowance.

- My clothes got dirty. - Uh-huh?

And since when are you suitin' up for the Wildcats?

Well, I, uh-- You know, I didn't wanna waste water,

so I just threw in some of Van and Cheyenne's stuff.

Okay.

Why are you jumping all over me?

Can't I just help out around the house?

Did Cheyenne say something to you?

No.

Well, okay.

You buyin' that?

Not for a minute.

But when laundry's gettin' done, I don't ask many questions.

Got it. Got it.

[gasps] Ooh!

[gasps] Oh!

I just love these little angels with the sayings.

Kinda like God's fortune cookies.

Do you gift wrap?

Does Jesus love the little children?

I'm not really supposed to be buying anything.

I'm only at the mall to return my tiara.

It was for my wedding.

But we decided it would overshadow my hair.

Oh! When's the joyous day?

It was supposed to be in two weeks, but his wife is having some issues.

Oh, dear.

What?

This card was reported stolen.

[chuckles nervously]

Well, there must be some mistake.

I... I'm sure that's it.

[chuckling]

- Security? We have a sinner. - No--

Mm-hmm.

So now we know why the makeovers are free.

My last car didn't have this much paint on it.

Hello again, ladies. [chuckles]

Who's picking up the check today? Not me, I hope.

[sarcastic laugh]

[cell phone ringing]

- [beep] - Hello.

[B.J. squeaking] Reba...

You're kidding.

No. [continues squeaking]

Okay. All right. Stop cryin'. I'll be there.

[squeaks]

[beep]

[chuckles] You're not gonna believe this.

Barbra Jean's in jail.

What'd she do, steal somebody else's husband?

No, it's mall jail.

She tried to use Brock's credit card again,

the one I reported stolen.

Go, Reba!

I didn't do it on purpose.

I say leave her.

A night in the slammer will serve her right.

Nah, I can't just let her stay there.

'Course, it does seem a shame to rush through lunch.

Are you ready to order?

Sure. Is the soft shell crab in season?

Not for another month.

That's fine. We'll wait.

Here you go. "Skipping school is bad," ten times.

Boy, was that hard.

That-a-girl. Huh?

What's going on here?

Well, Kyra raised a valid point that doing our chores

doesn't teach her a lesson. So she came up with this idea.

Mmm. And you caved just like that.

Is this how it's gonna be with our baby?

You're the good guy, and I'm the big, mean mama?

Um, do we have to discuss this

in front of the "C-H-L-I-D"?

Well, I'm not the one who went behind my back

and changed the punishment.

Well, my punishment was better.

- Well, I don't think so. - I do!

You know what? Forget it.

I'm not doing anything else for you freaks.

Oh! Oh, yes, you will, little missy.

As long as you are in our house, you will live by our rules.

It's not your house, it's Mom's.

And I'd rather be punished by her than you, so I'm turning myself in.

You guys are the worst parents in the world.

I don't know what to do with her anymore.

Hey, she's at that age.

[gasps] Reba!

Oh, praise the Lord! I'm saved!

Relax. There's no death penalty at the mall.

Then again, this is Texas.

Reba, I don't know if it's the fluorescent lighting

or because I been alone in here so long, but...

you look beautiful.

Yes.

That's it. I'm hosin' this stuff off before I leave the building.

- What happened? - Oh...

I was arrested in the gift shop of our Lord.

God is good.

I was buyin' this for you.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for all the problems I've caused.

This little angel's for all that?

Reba...

I have a confession to make.

I'm glad you told Brock you wouldn't sign those papers.

I never really wanted to get married in the Virgin Islands.

Too ironic for ya?

It was Brock's idea.

He's been pushin' to run away someplace and get it over with.

Good ol' Brock.

It's not that I need a fancy weddin'.

I just want one,

in a church...

surrounded by family and friends,

our union blessed by God.

Reception to follow at Catfish John's.

That's every little girl's dream.

Instead, I'm knocked up, locked up,

and lookin' at three-to-life.

[sobbing]

[shrieking]

[continues sobbing]

- Oh, please forgive me! - Aah! Don't do this, Barbra Jean.

- [stifling sobs] - Barbra Jean.

- Your wedding... - [snorting]

may not turn out the way any of us have dreamed.

You probably won't get to wear a tiara

or get struck by lightnin', but...

as long as your wedding expresses who you are,

I'm sure it'll be very special.

You think so?

- Oh, what do I know? - No!

I like what you said.

Oh, Reba, thank you.

You don't know what this means to me.

You may find this hard to believe, but...

I don't have a lot of friends.

Any chance you'd be my matron of honor?

Guard!

- [Cheyenne] Here comes Mom. - [car door closes]

- [car alarm chirps] - Last chance to cut a deal.

You give me your CD player, and we'll call it even.

Hey.

Mom, I skipped school on Tuesday.

Nice knowin' ya.

I took the bus to the downtown library.

It was the wrong thing to do, and I'm sorry.

Well, I'm disappointed in what you did,

but I appreciate you being honest with me, so I'm gonna let it slide.

But if this ever happens again, young lady,

there are gonna be some serious consequences.

- I understand. Thanks, Mom. - Mmm.

That's it? "I'm gonna let it slide"? [scoffs]

Look, this isn't fair. You never let me get away with anything.

[chuckling] You gotta be kiddin'.

We were just practicing for when we become parents.

I mean, discipline is important.

Well, what kind of discipline would you recommend

for two 17-year-olds taking advantage of their little sister?

You could let it slide.

I could, but what kind of parent would I be?

My favorite. [chuckles]

- Hey, Reba. - Hey, Brock.

I brought you somethin'.

Brock, stop with the bribes.

I'll just-- Just open it.

[sighs]

[gasps] Oh, look! It's my tiara!

It's all yours. I really am sorry about the screwup.

Thanks.

So where is the form? I'll sign it.

What?

You can get married in St. Thomas.

You actually made me feel sorry for Barbra Jean,

and that ain't easy.

Actually, we're not going to St. Thomas.

No, I just wanted to thank you for helping B.J.

Oh, that's all right.

I enjoyed seein' her in jail.

The reason I wanted to rush the wedding wasn't for the tax break.

But the truth is, I know how embarrassing this whole thing has been for you,

and I... I just figured that a big to-do here in town

would make things worse.

Go on.

But when B.J. told me what you said

about the wedding expressing who she is,

I canceled the trip.

- You did? - Yeah.

We'll wait until the divorce is final,

and then we can have the wedding that B.J.'s always dreamed of

right here in Houston.

Wait a minute.

Because of me, you're gonna have

this big wedding here in Houston with all our friends?

Well, of course we'll want all the kids there too.

Now, I realize the whole thing about matron of honor was ridiculous,

but we do need someone to sing.

[chuckles]

I don't think you'd like the song I'd pick.

[closing theme music playing]