Original subtitles

[rattling]

- [clanks] - Now I think we've got it.

- [whirring] - [gurgling]

Is it fixed?

Afraid not.

The brown gunk's supposed to go down instead of up.

That's the way it looked when Dad used to fix it.

I'm aware of that.

What a shame we don't have a man around the house to fix these things.

Huh?

We don't need a man. I've got everything under control.

Jake, hand me that metal doohickey with the screwy thing on the--

Yeah, that's it. Thanks.

- Hey. - Oh, hey!

- You want something to eat? - No.

I've gained four pounds.

That's good. That's the baby growing.

The mini-me.

Hey, he's a mini-Van!

Mini-Van. That is so cute.

All right, Jake. Bet you 50 cents it's gonna work this time.

- [clicks] - [gurgles]

Pay up.

Put it on my bill. I'll be right back.

After the game, a couple of us are going to Randy's to hang out.

You wanna come?

No, I don't think so. Lara invited me to go get pizza,

but you know how food makes me sick.

You should go, Cheyenne. Get out of the house.

No point just sitting here watching yourself get fat.

- Van! - You know what I mean.

You out with your friends, me out with mine.

Then we hook up later. It'll be just like junior year,

except we're married, you're pregnant and everything's different.

Okay, Jake. Stand back. This could get messy.

Mom, what are you doing?

The disposal's all jammed up. I'm doing exactly what your father used to do,

minus the cuss words.

- Yeah, why don't you just call a plumber? - Ha!

I don't need a plumber. I've got it all under control.

[bubbling]

Cool!

Go get me the yellow pages.

[theme song playing]

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Okay, give me the bad news. I can take it.

You have very sick plumbing.

How bad are we talking?

Your disposal might not make it through the night.

[laughs]

Oof!

I seen this a lot.

Your husband's been playing plumber, hasn't he?

Among other things.

That's why we're gettin' a divorce.

I'm sorry to hear that.

- Well, it's good news for my sink. - [laughs]

Okay, partner, I'll see you on Sunday.

- Bye, Dad! - Bye.

- Hi, Mom! - Hey, babe.

[plumber grunts]

Oh, Reba, you didn't.

- What? - You hired a plumber?

There's nothing wrong with that sink. I fixed it myself.

Yeah, right. [laughs]

Well, hi!

Mr. Hayden, this is my--

Brock.

And that's his--

B.J.

Pleased to meet you.

Right back at ya.

You want me to take a look under there? I know everything about that sink.

Maybe you can explain this.

Well, now you broke it.

Where's the tennis ball?

Oh, is that what that was?

Yeah, well, make sure you use a four-gauge PVC with nylon bushings.

- Actually, Mr. Hart-- - Actually, it's Dr. Hart.

Oh. Oh.

Well, still, your bushings have to be compatible with your threads.

See, you got three-quarter male threads.

You questioning the size of my threads?

Oh, honey. All that man talk! [laughs]

Oh, I just love it when he talks that way.

You mean, like an idiot?

[whistles]

Since when do you hire a plumber?

Since you're not around to work your magic anymore.

You may not appreciate the nuance of my sink work, Reba, but it's very good.

He's right. He just installed a padded toilet seat,

and you can't get me off that thing.

Glad you could tear yourself away.

I don't think this guy knows what he's doing.

Why isn't he wearing a jumpsuit?

Excuse me. I fixed your disposal,

but you might want to think about changing that faucet real soon.

I get a discount over at Premium Fixtures.

- So let me know if you're interested. - Thanks.

Do you realize what just happened here?

That guy's hitting on you!

[sputtering]

- [BJ laughing] - That's funny.

I know! [laughing]

It's not that funny.

Man, what nerve. You're not even divorced yet.

- He's already moving in on you. - Oh, that is so wrong.

He is not hitting on me, Brock.

And even if he was, it's got nothing to do with you.

You don't live here anymore.

Yeah, well, my kids do.

And they shouldn't have to be exposed to that sort of thing.

Jake just spent the morning with you and your pregnant mistress.

I don't think new plumbing's gonna push him over the edge.

[all laughing]

You guys, I've totally missed hanging out with y'all!

- We missed you too! - We did! We missed you!

Even though you're pregnant, you're still totally fun.

Thanks!

- I can't believe we're really doing this. - I am so nervous.

Oh, my God! There's the bus!

Oh, my God! I have goose bumps!

Oh, my God! Me too!

[all] Oh, my God!

Okay, let's get into position.

- Okay, y'all. Y'all ready? - Mm-hmm.

- [all] Whoo! Go, Wildcats! - [horn honking]

Whoa! They're moonin' us! [laughs]

No way! Buttage?

Look, that one's got writing on it. It says, "Go, Van."

- What? - Go, Van.

- [chanting] Go, Van. - Hey, stop it!

Knock it off! That's my wife's butt.

[chanting continues]

Aah!

Ooh!

All right, sucker.

I've tried to be nice, but you're outta here!

Is that plumber guy here?

Take a look at this.

"Three-quarter-inch threads." Ha!

Why is your blouse all wet?

I'm entering the wet blouse contest. What do you think?

It's that stupid thing. [sighs]

Oh, Reba, this guy's got you brainwashed into thinking

there's something wrong with a perfectly good faucet.

[scoffs]

[yells]

He's rigged it to do that.

- This guy is slick. - Okay, I've had it.

I'm gonna call Bill and get him to replace that thing.

"Bill"? You call him "Bill"?

You're on a first-name basis with your handyman?

Oh, call me a flirt. The mailman's name is George,

and the paperboy lets me call him Timmy.

Hey, Bill? It's Reba Hart.

Does your offer to help me pick out a new faucet still stand?

Good, 'cause I'm ready to shop.

Yeah, great. Five o'clock is fine.

Thanks.

Reba, that's a date?

How could it be a date? He's a handyman.

You are so naive.

These guys make a living taking advantage of lonely housewives.

I just don't want you gettin' hurt.

Yes, you've proven that time and time again.

Where have you been?

Just out with the girls having fun.

- Go, Van. - Okay,

- I never wanna hear that again. - Why?

You made it dirty.

Oh, come on.

It was a joke. You were the one who said I should go out and have fun.

Yeah, by fun I meant eat pizza and cheer for me.

- Go, Van. - Okay, stop that!

So I mooned with some girlfriends.

It's not like you guys have never mooned anyone.

But we're guys. We do it to gross people out.

When girls do it, it's... it's different.

Oh, please. That is so sexist.

I'm not being sexist. All I'm saying is you're my wife now,

and your butt belongs to me.

Excuse me?

Well, it's more mine than anyone else's. Except yours.

Look, married or not married, my butt is mine to do with as I please.

And I don't appreciate your Neanderthal attitude.

And I don't appreciate you using words I don't know.

Well, I had fun tonight.

I'm glad I mooned the bus! It was very freeing. I might even do it again.

- You wouldn't. - Oh, I might.

- Guess what I just saw on the Internet? - What are you doing?

Check it out. There's a full moon tonight.

Oh, my God! It's my butt.

What?

One of your stupid friends had a camera?

Hey, look. You can vote on your favorite.

"Pick Your Butt, 2001"?

Kind of like the Miss America pageant but cut to the chase.

Oh, my God. This is horrible.

Horrible? What happened to... [high-pitched voice] "It was so fun!

It was so freeing! I might even do it again!"

I do not sound like that.

Actually, you do.

Van, please, you have to help me.

"Van, please, you have to help me."

- Van, sleep on the couch. -"Van, sleep on--"

[normal] Okay, I'll take care of it.

- [Kyra] Where are you going? - The handyman's picking me up.

He's takin' me to get a new faucet.

He's picking you up? You mean, like a date?

No, he's picking me up, like a handyman.

That didn't sound right.

Well, it sounds like a date.

It's not a date.

Don't you think if I was goin' out on a date, I would talk to you kids first?

You'd better. I didn't have any input on my future stepmom,

and now look what I'm stuck with.

[doorbell rings]

Why is everybody makin' such a big deal about this?

He's just a nice guy who offered to help me get a faucet.

Hey, Reba.

[chuckles] Hi... Bill.

Don't you look and-- [sniffs] and smell nice.

[laughs] Thank you.

I'll be right back.

That must be one fancy faucet shop.

Here's a nice one. Let's go.

Reba, we just got here.

I know, but I believe in going with my gut.

But this is a bathroom faucet.

Oh. [chuckles nervously]

[chuckles] Is there... Is there some reason you don't wanna do this?

[sighs] I guess I am a little nervous.

It's been a while since I...

picked out a faucet.

You should never be intimidated by a faucet.

My bill may scare ya, but... [laughs]

[laughs nervously]

Come on, Reba. Come on. Give it a chance. Look around.

Oh, you're right. What's wrong with me just looking around?

[sighs]

Are you sure I can't use one of these?

This is a .44 jet sink sprayer.

The most powerful sprayer in the world.

So you gotta ask yourself a question,

"Do I feel lucky?"

- Dirty Harry. - [laughs]

That was good.

Hey, guess who this is, "Hi, I'm Ted Koppel."

- [laughing] - You're a natural.

[both laughing]

- Oh, hey, Reba. Reba, look at this here. - Oh!

- Here's something you don't see every day. - I love claw-foot tubs.

My grandma had one of these.

Hop in. Take it for a spin.

Really? Isn't that kind of silly?

[snaps fingers] Go for it.

Ooh, that's hot.

Hey, this is nice.

All I need is a couple candles and a good book.

If you want, I can come back later.

Sure. And can you get these strangers out of my bathroom?

Sorry.

Man, the voting on these butts is tight.

No way.

Patti's winning, and Lara's a close second,

which leaves you a little behind. [laughs]

No, no, no. This is impossible. Something must be wrong with the Internet.

Yeah, that's it.

This is insane. My butt is not a loser.

Hey, baby.

Van, I thought that you were gonna take care of this.

I did.

Then why is "Go, Van" still staring at me in the face?

See, you're losing.

I told everyone if they voted for your butt, I'd kick theirs.

Why would you do that?

To vote for your butt, they have to look at your butt.

Just because they didn't vote for my butt does not mean they didn't look at it.

Well, you shouldn't have mooned me in the first place.

Well, I was just trying to have some fun.

That might be my last chance to moon until after I've had the baby.

My butt is not gonna look that great for much longer.

By your fifth month, it won't even fit on the computer.

Hey!

I'm getting fat.

You're havin' a baby.

Yeah, so are you, but you're not getting fat.

It's not fair. Why do I have to carry the mini-Van?

You're doing a great job.

Nobody voted for me.

I did.

Actually, you got two votes.

Well, of course, I voted for myself.

- [Reba laughing] - [Bill] Yeah.

Honestly, that was the cleanest truck I've ever seen.

Yeah, I know. The other handymen make fun of me.

You didn't have to walk me to the door.

Oh, I was actually walking your faucet to the door. It's a little heavy.

Well, I had fun.

Who knew a faucet store could be so much fun? [laughs]

- Uh... - Well...

that didn't work out all that well, now did it?

Oh, Bill--

- I was just, uh-- - No. Hey, listen, uh...

Well, don't worry about it.

[clears throat] I shouldn't have done that. I just, uh--

- Can we sit down for a second? - Sure.

[Bill sighs]

I think I might have misled you.

I might have misled myself.

Yeah?

I didn't think this was gonna be a date, but it kinda was, wasn't it?

Well, I don't usually take a lady to a plumbing store on a first date.

You know, it was kind of a... kind of a semi-date. You know, kind of...

a pre-date...

that I was hoping would lead to a bona fide date.

I had a great time. And I like you a lot, Bill.

But my divorce isn't even final yet.

And as much fun as I had on our semi-pre-date,

I don't know if I'm ready to take that next step yet.

Well, I understand.

[sighs]

Thanks. [chuckles]

Bill, I hope that when I am ready,

you might still be around.

I might be.

Are you playin' hard to get?

A good handyman is always hard to get.

[both laugh]

Well, good night, Reba.

Good night, Bill.

[sighs]

Hey, Brock, whatcha doing?

I'm fixing your ice maker.

Oh, that's funny because Bill already took care of it.

Oh, did he?

Yeah. That cold stuff in there is called ice.

What else has Bill been taking care of?

Excuse me?

Oh, come on, Reba.

He's been romancing you ever since he set foot in this house.

Can you blame him?

No.

So I was right then. It was a date?

Well, let's see. I had coffee and spent some time in a bathtub.

Yep. I'm pretty sure you can call that a date.

Coffee?

You know what else? I had a really good time.

Well, I'm not sure I like that.

Oh, come on, Brock. You made your choice.

You're with B.J. now.

I know, Reba. I just...

I'm looking out for you. That's all.

No, you're not. You're uncomfortable seeing me with someone else.

I know how that feels.

Yeah.

So you want me to install that for you?

Brock...

go on home.

Reba,

I think I might have really screwed up your ice maker.

I think it's cute.

'Course I'm partial.

I diapered that butt.

You don't think it ruined my reputation?

Honey, I think that might have happened when the stick turned blue.

What was I thinking? What if the baby logs on one day and sees that?

Honey, by the time the baby's able to log on,

there will be a whole new crop of butts on there.

I just-- I feel so stupid.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

When I was a senior in high school, I had this wild friend named Maxine.

You never mentioned her before.

Exactly. Anyway,

it was right before the prom, and we both went out and bought these...

cute little strapless dresses.

Well, Maxine didn't want tan lines,

so we played hooky and went down to the lake.

And guess who showed up just about the time

we were lying out buck naked?

Oh, Mom! [chuckles]

- The whole swim team. - Oh!

[both laugh]

Lucky for you they didn't have the Internet back then.

Yep. But they did have Polaroids.

[mouths words]

[closing theme music playing]