Original subtitles

Court-mandated therapy.

The family that sold their kids at the flea market

didn't get court-mandated therapy.

Good afternoon. I'm Dr. Peters.

Dr. Peters, we are not crazy.

We don't actually use the term "crazy" anymore.

Though I don't know why. It does say it all.

Well, I just hate to waste your time. We're really a nice, normal family.

That's all they ever send me, nice, normal families.

My husband and I are separated right now,

and there was a slight disagreement at the custody hearing.

Uh, the judge used the word "brawl".

- Dr. Hart-- - Please, call me Brock.

Brock.

The record says you assaulted the bailiff.

Uh, no, no. That was Cheyenne.

She was really the one whalin' on him. I tell ya, my girl can throw a punch.

- Well, they were trying to throw Van out. - And Van is--

Cheyenne's boyfriend.

He's the star quarterback on the high school football team.

Cornerback.

Is that important right now?

Well, one's offense, one's defense. It's pretty important.

He's taking us all the way to state. Go, Wildcats. [growls]

Brock's the assistant coach for the team. Easy, Wildcat.

- And you must be Jake? - Here.

You bit the court reporter?

I didn't think anybody was looking.

Well, they were.

Okay, why don't we begin with the custody arrangements?

- Oh, I want to live with Dad. - I want to stay with Mom.

Is boot camp an option?

Cheyenne, m-my condo's too small.

Well, not for two people. Look. I can cook a-and take care of you.

- Please, Dad? - [groans]

All right. That's enough.

We're gonna end this right here and right now,

without lawyers and without court-appointed therapists.

No offense.

Hey, I get paid either way.

It's time you move back home

and handle this midlife crisis the way other men do.

So buy a red Corvette. Take up bungee jumping.

Pierce something. Whatever it takes. I don't care.

Reba...

Barbra Jean and I are getting married.

What? Oh, no.

You're not stupid enough to throw away a 20-year marriage

over a dental hygienist with two first names.

- We should discuss this later. - No, we're gonna discuss it right now.

Reba, I have to marry her.

Oh, please. "Have to"?

The only reason you'd have to marry her is if you'd gone off and...

- Oh, my God. - What?

Here we go.

Oh, my God.

- Daddy, how could you? - What?

Barbra Jean's pregnant!

I thought Cheyenne was pregnant.

- Wha-- - Shut up, Jake!

- Back off. He's just a stupid kid. - I'm not stupid.

She left the pregnancy test in the trash can.

- Oh, my God! - I'm gonna kill you!

- No, no, no! - [shouting]

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

How could this happen?

I don't know. How do these things ever happen?

Two people work together, the X-ray room was dark--

I was talking to them!

We had the sex talk. I drew pictures

with blue and pink arrows!

We thought you could only get pregnant one day a month.

[both] What?

Yeah, so you could have sex, like, 30 times in a month...

and only get pregnant once, right?

The only reason you're alive is 'cause you can play football.

You can get pregnant the first time you have sex,

most days of the month,

standing up, sitting down, and in a hotel hot tub.

And what about safe sex? Condoms? Disease?

- We don't have to worry about that. - [both] Why not?

Because it was the first time, for both of us.

[chuckles] Cheyenne!

That's what embarrasses you in this situation?

- You know, at least we're in love. - Oh, please.

How can you say that?

You were the one who told me not to have sex unless I was in love.

- Well, what'd you tell her that for? - Oh, gee, I don't know.

I guess I had this crazy idea that if two people loved each other

and one put the other through dental school,

they'd stay together forever!

Again with the dental school. That was 25 years ago.

You know, Barbra Jean never mentions dental school.

She wasn't alive then!

Can you both just-- just stop it? Ugh!

Van, have you told your parents?

About what?

Oh! Oh, about that. No.

Well, go home and tell 'em. I'm sure they'd like to know.

We'll get together in the morning and figure this whole thing out.

- Sorry, Coach. - Shake it off. Big game Saturday.

[mouthing inaudibly]

So, when Daddy marries Barbra Jean, what am I supposed to call her, anyway?

You're not supposed to call her anything.

When you see her at the Walmart, just point to her and say,

"There's the woman that stole my daddy."

Can I ask you something?

I knew this was gonna happen. Okay.

Honey, I know this has been very confusing for you,

so ask me anything you want.

Can Bret come over and play on Saturday?

Have I mentioned you're my favorite?

Of course he can.

Now, go get ready for bed, and I'll come tuck you in later.

Kyra...

The pictures, the arrows,

they were clear, weren't they?

You don't have to worry about me, Mom. I know all about birth control.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, at what age is it appropriate for a young lady

to become sexually active?

Forty.

Have I mentioned you're my favorite?

- Honey, you have to eat. - Mom, this is my fourth sandwich.

Cheyenne, we have to talk about this.

Look, I know. I just-- I'm really tired right now.

I just need to be alone. Could we talk tomorrow?

Sure. Sure.

Thanks.

Van?

- Yeah? - Ohh!

Get outta there!

Why is it we're the only house in Texas without a gun?

My parents kicked me out. I told them everything and they said

they didn't want anything to do with me or Cheyenne or the baby.

But I don't feel that way. I want to do the right thing.

At what point was hiding under the bed the right thing?

When I realized the ladder fell down.

Look, we were just talking.

We don't jump into bed and do it every time we see each other.

I can vouch for that.

Look, look. I love your daughter.

And I'm not staying away, no matter what you or my parents say.

I was gonna do this in private, but I don't care anymore.

Oh, no, not the knee thing.

Cheyenne, will you marry me?

- Oh, my God. - Now,

I know this is just an earring, but I'm gonna get you a real ring someday.

My grandmother can't live forever.

I'm not far behind her.

- [knocking] - Brock?

No, Barbra Jean.

- You're gonna be a grandma! - You're gonna marry a grandpa.

I know. I can't wait.

Oh, I am so glad that we can still be friends.

You know, I was afraid that the baby might change the way you feel about me.

No, I feel the same way about you as I always have.

Oh, I just feel like giving you a great big hug.

Fight it.

Reba, what is this? Cheyenne is not gettin' married!

I'm not gonna stand by and let my daughter throw her life away for that punk.

- You love that punk. - I... do not.

You watch him play football every weekend just like he's your own son.

Sometimes I think you like him more than your own son.

- She is not gettin' married. - I have to agree with Brock here.

Two wrongs don't make a right in the eyes of our Lord.

Barbra Jean.

At your church, do you sit with the rest of the congregation,

or is there a special pew for adulterers?

Well, actually, I sit with the choir.

- B.J., would you mind-- - B.J.?

- Yes, it's short for-- - I know what it's short for.

Barbra Jean, don't you have some instruments to sterilize?

- No. - Yes.

Yes.

Good luck with that.

Thanks.

Look, they're too young to get married. I mean, they have no money,

and where in the world are they gonna live?

With me. Where else?

That way they'll have a chance of finishing high school.

Look. I've been up all night long discussing their options with them.

They've made up their mind.

If we try to stop them, they'll just elope.

Unbelievable.

And we've set the wedding date for Saturday at the house.

- Just family and a few friends. - Wha--You want witnesses?

I mean, isn't this where we send her off

to visit a "friend" for nine months?

Hey, just because she's pregnant and 17

doesn't mean we can't give our little girl a nice, tasteful wedding.

Do you hear yourself?

I can't believe that you want to celebrate this embarrassment!

Well, what are you and B.J. planning?

I don't know. Something with doves.

Oh, but that's different!

- Ceremony's at 3:00. Bring ice. - I'm not coming.

See you Saturday. Wear your blue suit.

- It's not gonna happen. - Lots of ice.

Hi.

Hi, sweetie.

You know, you can wear this too someday.

Divorce and a teen pregnancy. Some track record.

I'm trying to decide on the hors d'oeuvres.

Oysters on the half shell or king crab claws?

I don't think anyone's gonna leave this wedding talking about the food.

We got the tuxes. Orange with white cummerbunds.

- Go, Wildcats! - What?

Gotcha! Got her! I usually don't get people.

Oh, Mom, have you talked to Dad? Is he coming?

- He's coming. - Is he okay with all this?

He's delighted. He's bringing the ice.

You ready to try on my wedding dress?

Actually, I was gonna talk to you about that.

I was out shopping, and I found this incredible dress.

Isn't it perfect?

But you always said you wanted to wear my wedding dress.

I know, but that's when I thought I'd be old when I got married.

- This one's just more me. - And so practical.

Just add some elastic, and in nine months you can wear it to the prom.

So what are you saying? You don't want to wear my wedding dress?

Well, yours is-- It's just so traditional. And I really like this one.

Well, you can wear yours underneath mine. Tell you what.

I'm gonna go hang it in your room and you can think about it, okay?

- Okay. - So I talked to my parents.

They're not coming. But I did get us a honeymoon.

Three nights at my uncle's beach house in Galveston.

He just said not to open up the cellar.

Oh! We're gonna miss school.

Can you write us a permission slip for our honeymoon?

Oh, good Lord.

"Honeymoon" and "permission slip" all in the same sentence.

Getting married is so much fun. We should have done this junior year.

[giggles]

No, you were smart to wait.

Mom?

Oh, my little girl's getting married.

You sure you don't want to wear my wedding dress?

Look, where's Dad? Why isn't he here yet?

- He'll be here. - Are you sure?

- I'm sure. - Here are your flowers, Mrs. H.

- Right here. - Oh, Cheyenne, you look hot!

Whoo! I told you it was better without a bra.

Are you aware I'm her mother?

Uh, our first guests have arrived.

Oh, Bret! I'm sorry. Jake can't come out and play today.

But you said he could come over.

My mom said to tell you I throw up if I eat olives.

- Then don't eat any. - He already did.

Go get a bucket and follow him around.

Better yet, go call his mother. See if she can bring some ice.

- Ice? I thought Dad was bringing the ice. - Backup ice.

Oh, I just knew it. My own father isn't coming to my wedding.

- Fine. I'm not going to his. - Cheyenne!

- [bell dings] - Oh.

[phone ringing]

Oh. Hello?

- Go tend to her! - No prob, Mom.

Yes, the wedding's still on. Uh-huh. Kyra, please help.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, we're looking forward to it.

Use the potholders. Yes.

Uh-huh. Ooh!

Sure!

Oh, damn, damn, damn!

Oh, no, no. Not you, Reverend.

Sure. Yeah, there's an open bar.

Uh-huh. Bye, bye.

- Damn! They're ruined! - Much like our lives?

Kyra Eleanor Hart, out!

- Bye. - Ohh!

[grunts in frustration]

[sighs]

Ice is here.

Hey.

Come on.

Ohh.

There she is! The mother of the bride!

You were only supposed to bring the ice!

[Cheyenne] Get out! Get out!

- [Van] Hold on. Would you please-- - Get out!

- Ow! You hurt my hair! - Get out!

- [Cheyenne grunts] - What's going on?

Oh! The wedding's off! I never want to see him again!

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I can't believe you're jealous of a game.

I cannot believe that you care more about football than me.

I never said that.

- I love you both the same. - Oh!

But you more. Way more.

Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?

Oh, Brock, "heck," please.

- He's gonna play tonight. - What?

Mm-hmm. He's gonna spend our wedding night at a football game.

Coach said he's gonna throw me off the team if I miss the game.

I can't believe he can't excuse you just this once.

Well, I'm really good.

Brock, you're an assistant coach. Can't you get him excused just one game?

He's really good.

It's their honeymoon! What the hell's wrong with you?

-"Heck." - [both] Shut up!

Look, why can't y'all go on your honeymoon after the game?

- That's what I told her! - Oh!

- Oh! - The cake!

[all shouting]

Die, jockstrap!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

This is a wedding! You're ruining it!

You've ruined everything.

We were supposed to grow old together!

[knocking]

How did this happen?

I'm a senior. I'm... I'm co-captain of the drill team.

[sniffles]

I should be practicing the new kick-line routine

for tonight's halftime show,

not getting married and having a baby.

I am so off the drill team.

I'm so out of the Junior League.

- Sorry. - Oh, that's all right.

I'd have been out as soon as they got wind of

the court-mandated therapy.

A pregnant teenage daughter was just the icing on the cake.

I guess your life is ruined too.

Get up.

What? Mom...

Tell me what you see.

I'll tell you what I see.

- A couple of losers. - Mom--

Well, what do you call two people

who are going to mourn the rest of their lives

'cause things didn't turn out the way they planned?

Losers.

Time for you and me to face reality.

You're gonna have to schedule your life around football,

and I'm gonna have to learn how to get my own ice.

Honey, what your father and I once had is over.

He's not coming back.

And Barbra Jean is not gonna drown in a giant vat of Crisco oil.

- Mama's got a dark side. - Yeah.

So what are we gonna do now?

Plot a new course.

Just because things are different don't mean they have to be bad.

I'm scared.

Good, because nothing is as frightening

or as wonderful as becoming a mother.

Do you think Van and I have a shot at making it?

It's gonna be hard.

I will never understand why he likes football so much anyway.

Aw, see?

You're sounding like a married woman already.

Now...

Shall we have a wedding?

Yeah.

[Reba] I can fix that real easy.

Actually, I thought it might be nice

to have some tradition at this wedding after all.

Think it might be all right if I wore your wedding dress?

- I'd love that. - [laughs]

But you gotta wear a bra.

Okay.

- Hey, Mom? - What?

I hate Barbra Jean's dress.

Have I told you you're my favorite?

♪ When your troubles knock you down ♪

♪ Pick yourself up off the ground ♪

♪ And walk on ♪

♪ Walk on ♪

Okay, let's get a photo of the whole family.

♪ Walk on ♪

♪ Oh, walk on ♪

Don't worry about the honeymoon, Mrs. H. I packed lots of condoms.

♪ Walk on ♪

♪ Nothing ever stays wrong that long ♪

♪ Walk on ♪

[closing theme music playing]