Original subtitles

Want some coffee?

You know, like, a half a cup.

How long have you been waiting with that?

A little while.

♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can start my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets

♪ I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true this time

♪ 'Cause I don't have the answers

♪ I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, baby, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here?

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

All right, Mabel, this is funny.

This is gonna get a laugh outta you.

There's a laugh in there,

and I'm gonna get it.

This is the funniest thing you ever-you ready?

Here it is.

Don't do that!

Don't ever do that again.

It's physical comedy.

Mabel,

Who's ticklish?

Who's, Ticklish?

Who's the most ticklish girl in the world?

Who's very, very ticklish?

Who-

Why isn't she laughing?

Some babies are not so much ticklish.

That's okay. We got other funny things.

This is funny. Watch.

Daddy's wavin' good-bye.

He's sayin', "Bye, Mabel."

He's walkin' away, but, he's not lookin' where he's goin'.

There's a chair! Whoa! Ow!

Oh! Are you all right?

Is she laughin'?

No.

We should go. Then, ow!

Ow!

Aren't you late?

Ow! Yeah, but, you know what?

That's all right. I don't care.

I'm finding it very hard to get excited about this job today.

Honey, it's a documentary.

Just, Barely.

The Making of the Making of Titanic.

So? Big hit film.

Yeah, but, it's so parasitic.

I'm not even glommin' off a big hit movie.

I'm glomming off the gloom.

So, you're taking her this morning,

and Ira's gonna meet you there to help you watch her?

Yeah, I got you, then I lose Ira at 1:00,

so I'll let the crew eat lunch at 1:00.

When Ira goes, I'll take a cab.

I'll drop the baby off with you.

Then, I don't know, I'll grab a hot dog or somethin'

on the way back in the cab,

And then I'll be nauseous all the way to Brooklyn.

Okay.

That works out well for you, does it? Yeah.

All right. Here we go.

Honey, we can do this easily and gracefully.

Ow!

Honey, it doesn't make her laugh.

I know. I'm saying, literally, "ow!"

Mabel, listen to this.

A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer,

They're in a lifeboat. Sweetie?

I'm trying something.

Okay.

Okay, so, um, when you made your film,

The making of Titanic,

you interviewed James Cameron, the director,

didn't you?

Uh, yeah.

What was that like?

Oh, it was great.

Okay. Uh, Did-did he have stories?

Did he have any stories that he shared with you?

Oh, yeah. He told this great story about how, um,

one night the boat,

they couldn't get the, uh, uh, the model boat

to, like, sit in the water right.

I guess.

So they put, um, they had to put, like, uh,

an orange on the side of it.

Or, something-I'm not sure exactly what they did.

But, it was a great story.

It's in Making of the Titanic.

Okay. So, So your film came out pretty good then, huh?

Yeah.

Shh... Shh, PAUL: Hey! Hey!

Could you, like, maybe get her to cry louder?

Yeah, she can cry louder.

You know what? Let's cut, all right?

♪ Hush, little baby, don't you cry

♪ Or, Ira's gonna gouge out his own eye

Spend a lot of time around kids, do you?

Hey, I could spend less.

Okay. I know what. You need somethin' funny.

You need to laugh. You ready? Watch this.

What is that?

That's Popeye!

Okay, I will gladly pay you Tuesday to stop doing that today.

Okay. Just go to uncle Ira, and I'll get you a juice.

You could take a nap, by the way.

Excuse me.

Do you, by any chance, have any shrimp?

What?

Shrimp. Do you have any shrimp on you?

Sadly, no.

Aw, shoot. Darn!

You know, i brought the basil

for the shrimp creole for the catering table,

and then I brought the onion,

and I got the salt and the white pepper and the black pepper

and the cayenne pepper and the oregano,

And I got the celery rib and-

Got the celery rib, do ya?

Oh, yeah, got the celery rib. Good.

And I got the olive oil and the cloves. And, uh,

I have everything except for, uh-

Do you want to guess? Shrimp?

Yes. Yes.

Okay. You know what? Excuse me one second.

I'm kinda busy-

Do you have any thoughts? What?

Because I have the, um, I have the creole sauce made,

so I have to make something creole,

and I'm wondering what-what are you in the mood for?

Creole doughnuts or, creole Clark bars

Or, creole cap'n crunch-which, he was, by the way.

He was what? Creole.

He was a cap'n-creole. Cap'n crunch.

Cap'n crunch the man?

He was a creole.

Um-um-I'm sorry. What is your name?

Nancy.

Nancy. Okay, forgive me,

But, a-i have to go take care of my daughter,

And two-who-Who are you?

Oh, "c" or, three-I mean, who are you

to bring a baby on the sound stage, then?

D- I'm the director.

Oh, E-gads, that's a good baby.

That's a beautiful baby.

Isn't that a beautiful baby?

You don't have to say that. Thank you.

That's a-oh, my.

I was suckin' up before, but, that is a beautiful baby.

That is a-Hello.

Now, look, I'll tell you why you're crying.

'Cause you're two feet tall, and you type, like, zero words a minute,

and you're wearing a leisure suit covered in ducks, apparently.

Let it out. Go on.

Okay, how do you do that?

Oldest of 11 kids.

Really?

Susie, Raymond, Michael,

Okay.

Tierney, Tiffany, Tammy, Kerry, Patsy, Pablo-

They were in Italy for Pablo. Yes.

Okay. You know what? And Jennifer.

What's that? The last one-Jennifer.

Okay. Good. Uh-

Okay. Well-

All right, everybody. Let's shoot some film, shall we?

Rolling.

Fire!

I got it. It's okay.

Why don't we just take a break.

Uh, Mr. Carville, don't you want to come out of there now, sir?

I'm sure the stapler just slipped out of your wife-

Um, Ms. Matalin's hands.

Shut up, Henry!

Okay.

God, don't tell me they're fighting again.

Well, she missed him, if that's any-Ms. Matalin!

Won't you please tell Mr. Carville

that you know that staplers are sharp and heavy items

and it's bad to throw them at your life and business partner?

Never!

Okay. Can you imagine? I have a PhD.

Mr. Carville?

Shut up, Henry!

The pressure on these people is unbelievable.

I don't know how they-Ms. Matalin!

Shut up, Henry!

Okay! All right! Very well.

Why don't we begin by going over both of your schedules this morning?

- Shut up, Henry! - Shut up, Henry!

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Henry, are you all right?

Oh, hi, Jamie! When did you get in?

Henry?

You know, Jamie, i just realized something.

What's that?

Well, it's-it's the craziest thing.

What?

Really just the damnedest thing.

Well, Jamie, just this minute,

I ran out of, Nice.

I don't understand.

I ran out of nice.

Just now, I have no, Nice.

Not for these people.

You did not run out of nice.

You're the nicest man in the world.

I'm out of nice! Believe me!

Okay.

You know, maybe I should get-

What is it? Well, hold on!

Pentagon on line three! Anyone give a crap?

Back off! You look absurd in that sweater!

What are you laughing at?

Your wife is sleeping with him!

Ooh. Ooh. Did I come at a bad time?

Bite me!

All right, sir.

What's the matter with him?

He's out of nice.

Aw, that's a shame.

Yeah. Why are you wet?

I-would you please take our daughter?

Oh, no, sweetie! Any day but, today.

As you can see, we're having a total meltdown.

No, no, no! Come on.

But, you promised-why do i still have the baby here?

So sorry. I will take her any day other than today.

Sweetie, this is the perfect example of the type of day when I need you to take her!

Okay. Thanks.

Mabel, Mabel.

Peekaboo!

I'm just gonna make her laugh.

Where's Mabel? Where'd Mabel go?

There she is!

She knows where she is.

Where's Mabel? I don't understand.

Don't you know where you are?

Peekaboo-all right, forget it.

This is not a good situation that we have here.

Really? I know.

You're harried, and I'm squishin'.

All right, squishy, we'll talk about it later.

Promise me we're gonna talk about this tonight.

I promise you.

No, no, no! No, no, no!

The stairs! The stairs!

Why did you have to kiss me?

Oh, god! Oh, god!

Okay, alright.

Oh, god! Oh, god!

I'll check this floor. You keep going.

You got the momentum.

Okay. Outta the way.

Outta the way. Outta the way. Here I come.

It stopped on the next floor down.

Oh, man, what did people do before elevators

When they lost their kid in an elevator?

Hi, Sweetie!

Are you okay? Are you all right?

She's all right.

Oh, god! You all right?

I'm all right.

Am I all right? You're all right.

So you're sayin' everybody's all right.

It's okay, sweetie. Daddy's very sorry.

Hey!

We're both very sorry.

Okay, everybody, I am back. Sorry for the delay.

Here we-oh, hey. How are you doin'?

Hi! Hey, how are you?

I'm fine. I'm fired, actually.

But, I'm fine. How are you?

What do you mean, you're fired?

Yeah. The guy from the studio, he came down,

And he told me he was gonna let me go.

He let me go-that's a euphemism, isn't it?

Like I'm trying to go somewhere

And like I'm trying to rip myself away,

When, in fact, what they're saying is go

and don't let the creole hit you in the ass on the way out,

and the next time a director asks you

to take care of his baby because he's unable to,

don't forget to turn the burner off.

Oh! I-I feel terrible about that!

Don't you worry about a thing.

I don't even know why I wanted this job in the first place.

I didn't even really like the job-oh, that's right.

The money, I needed the money

to pay rent and to live and to eat,

But, other than that, I don't think I really needed it, but, thanks.

I'm so sorry that happened.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, I have some leftovers. Do you want anything?

I have, like, smoked almonds or, Snapple,

Or, spray cheese, anything like that?

Really, not. I'm so sorry.

Creamer? Tic tacs? No? Nothing? Eggs?

No, really. I wish you the best of luck.

If you ever need a reference-

Fiddle faddle?

No. I couldn't be more sorry.

Mr. Buchman, I do have that periodontal appointment.

Yes, okay.

Again, I am so, so, so sorry.

Okay, sweetie, let's Mabel and daddy go make a documentary

So sorry that happened to you.

All right, everybody, back to position. Let's roll cameras

All right. Sorry for the delay.

It's just been a little crazy here.

We're shorthanded, so I,

Okay. So, you were the editor of the film,

The making of Titanic.

Without which, our film, The Making of the Making of Titanic,

Would just be the making of Titanic,

And I'd feel just a little less stupid right now.

It's very nice to be here.

Good. Now, I understand you have some outtakes that you

of actual film with James Cameron the director

That you chose not to use in The making of Titanic.

Yes.

Well, that's pretty exciting, huh?

Yes.

Let's take a look.

What the hell is this?

Aaah! Aaah! Aah!

Wowie.

You know, we shot some much better stuff.

Well, let's see that.

We used it already.

It's in the making of Titanic.

You used the good stuff, sure.

Here's something.

So, my very first idea,

the initial conception of the film,

Was to use footage-Jim?

Sorry. We're ordering lunch. What would you like?

Yeah, Um,

You know? I'll have the chopped salad.

Okay.

No. You know what?

Maybe a sandwich.

I'm gonna do the tuna sandwich, no mayo.

Okay. Great.

No. You know what? You know what?

Let's go back. Chopped salad.

If they have tomatoes, that would be great.

Oh, okay. Shh, shh, shh.

Uh, the other actors-

you get any little pieces of Leonardo or, Kate or,

Even Billy Zane, I would take that.

No, um, but, h-here's something.

And what about that part when he goes,

"Shagilicious, baby".

What was it-"yeah, baby, shagilicious."

That was great. I love that part.

You chose not to use this in your film, you're saying.

We didn't think America would be interested.

Watch me put it to good use.

Okay. Shh, shh, shh. All right.

You know what? Let's just cut, gang.

Okay, all right.

May I?

Huh? Yeah, please.

Hey. Hello, little lady.

Do you know what you were doing?

You were single-handedly ruining

The making of the making of Titanic.

Now, you keep causing a scandal like that,

they're gonna have to make

The making of the making of the making of Titanic.

You don't want to be responsible for that, do you?

No, you don't.

That's, I'm taking you home with me.

Excuse me?

I got a proposition for you.

Excuse me? No! All good! All good!

Just don't use the word "nanny."

No! Okay.

Yeah, 'cause when you think of a nanny,

you think of an old Ukrainian woman

who wears her hair in a bun and hasn't had a bath since thanksgiving.

Sure.

Russian thanksgiving,

Which is in, Well, a long time ago.

Yeah, okay. Forget that.

Either that, or, you think of Mary Poppins.

Is that what you're looking for, like, a Mary Poppins.

No, not at all!

I kind of wanted to be Mary Poppins.

Then you can! You can be Mary Poppins.

We'll get you a nice, big umbrella.

You can stand on a fake roof

and sing with dick van Dyke. Would you like that?

Whatever you do, just keep doing that.

What?

Just, Taking care of my daughter like that.

Oh-you know, I am a chef by trade.

Yes. No. Of course you are!

Yeah. I mean, I was a star at the culinary institute.

No. I know that.

Until I made gumbo one day,

and I blew the porch off the back of the building.

They told me that I had genius in my ladle.

And I'll betcha they meant it, too.

Although, I am broke.

Sure.

Yeah, 'cause I got fired from that job

working on the film, where I was getting paid.

Yes. I was there. I remember.

And she is the most adorable child I've ever seen in my life.

Oh! Could you take her in the bedroom?

Sure. And look at her little tongue.

Take the little tongue into the bedroom. The fingernails!

In the bedroom. The ears!

Take the ears in the bedroom-

Hi. Hi!

How was the rest of your day?

Well, Henry Vincent finally called.

That's good!

Yeah. From Juarez, Mexico.

That's not good.

And how was the rest

of the Making of the Making of the Making,

Shouldn't be making it, I'll tell ya that.

Listen, we really gotta talk about the reality

of our little situation here.

I think it's time we bring somebody in-

please don't use the word "nanny."

Oh, believe me. I'm not-

What is wrong with us? We can't raise our child by ourselves?

Sweetie, this afternoon we almost shipped our daughter

down to the lower lobby.

I still don't think-

Look, we have to get somebody in here.

I don't want to not get somebody

just so we can feel like we're better parents

'cause we don't have somebody.

No. You're right. You're right.

We should act now, instead of waiting

till we accidentally mail her off to Bolivia or, something.

Do you know how hard it is to find the right person?

I mean, my god, we have to look at resumes.

We have to make sure the person's qualified.

What if Mabel doesn't like her?

It could take us months and months-

Hello.

This is Nancy Bloom.

Nancy, this is my wife Jamie.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, there.

Sweetie, Nancy's somebody that I think we should

Really, seriously consider to be our nan-

Uh, child-rearing helper.

No.

Our child specialist surrogate.

Our person of baby helping.

Our infant-monitoring-No.

Our specialist-our baby-No.

Whatever it is, i think she's very good.

May I ask your qualifications for the job?

I was a cook and, uh, a little mistake-prone.

I see.

I, uh, started a few fires.

Oh. Hey, we should hire her right up.

Uh, yeah. Excuse us one second.

I have a really strong-I can't hear.

Hang on one second.

When you're facing that-I can't-

Okay. Here's the thing, sweetie.

I have a gut instinct about Nancy,

and I really hope you just trust that.

I'm sure you're wonderful.

Of course I trust your instincts.

It's just, I don't think you should-

Thank you very much.

I don't think you should go offering your child

to a stranger just because you have a gut feeling.

I think that's crazy.

I think she's hungry.

You're absolutely right. She is hungry.

I have applesauce right here in my bag.

I mean it has to be more scientific than that.

Who wants some food?

Who's the hungriest girl in the whole, wide world?

I'm not arguing with that.

Are we just gonna go off half-cocked?

White spoon? Yes, exactly.

The couch is good, right?

She loves to eat on the couch.

How do you feel about some applesauce?

Honey, we're gonna have to sit down

And find some qualified candidates.

I know, I know-

Oh, my god.

And then maybe, if we're lucky, we'll find somebody.

Oh, this isn't applesauce at all.

I think...

Why, it's bourbon.

Okay. How did you do that?

What?

She probably just got the joke

about the rabbi and the priest.

Tell you what, we gotta do something about these sleeping arrangements, huh?

You are a great audience, you know that?

Here they come again.

How about giving it a rest.

Okay! So sorry!

Uh,

Sir?

Okay. I'll just,

Uh,

Sir?

Okay. I'll just,