Original subtitles

Keys, keys, keys!

There they are. Thank you.

All right, so you'll give them to me when you're ready.

Here's a question. Did I just take a shower?

What? You were just in there.

I was... I was fully clothed,

and then I don't remember,

and then, fully clothed with, like, dripping.

Are you okay?

I'm just so exhausted.

I got this bruise on my thigh. I don't understand.

Mm-mm. So what you're saying is

you're not able to go to disco night at my office.

Oh, you know what, sweetie?

Have you not read a paper in the last 20 years?

You know, disco is dead.

That's incorrect. It was dead. Now it's back.

It's having a whole retro thing.

I'm aware of that. I'm saying the retro thing. Dead already.

No, it's not. Come on, come on, dance with me.

What is that?

Don't you remember John Travolta, the movie?

Come on, you remember with the... come on!

I don't know... Dance with me.

I don't dance. That's because you don't dance.

If you dance, then you dance,

but you don't dance, so you don't dance.

Say dance one more time, we get a free hat.

That's quite an arm on that little girl.

If you'd just dance with me,

I'd quit hounding you.

Ow! My lungs hurt. Can that be?

Hey, there.

Ho, there. Hi, Nat.

There he is. Hey there, Murray Callander, queen of pies.

Hey they, Murray Lou Retton.

Sweetie, you find the keys?

Honey?

Paul! Paul!

I'm up! I'm up!

Oh, my god. Did you just fall asleep on the floor?

So, what is that, a bad thing?

You poor thing. You're exhausted.

This is what I'm saying.

What are you, you caught the insomnia bug there, Mr. Buchman?

No. It's the weirdest thing.

I fall asleep. I'm sleeping, but then I wake up.

I'm so tired.

Huh... You know you could have, you could have,

a touch of the Apnea.

What's that?

The apnea.

Sleep apnea?

Yeah. It's when you stop breathing in your sleep

for very short little periods of time.

Jeez, it makes for a very restless night.

I know this 'cause my mammy was afflicted.

Poor thing, she used to wake up in the wee hours of the morning,

snorting like a sea lion.

Really?

So sorry.

Ahh! You know what we did, though?

We took her to a sleep clinic.

They had her spend the night there.

They ran a battery of tests.

They fixed her right up.

You think I got the apnea?

I'm sure you're fine.

And if it'll make you feel better, we'll take you to a sleep clinic.

Really? Get you all rested up

and ready for disco night.

Can't wait.

Ever see that movie there, Nat? With the...

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Mr. Buchman, you mind if I pick your brain there for a second?

Metaphorically speaking, of course. Sure, go ahead.

It's about a girl.

Really?

Yeah. Why?

No, I just... no, no, go ahead, go ahead.

Go ahead.

It's somebody that you know quite well, actually.

It's someone to whom I've formed

quite a little attachment.

Oh, oh, oh, Nat, Nat, all right.

Let me see if I can explain this to you gently, but thoroughly.

Mrs. Buchman and I are married. Okay?

Oh, no, no, gee, Mr. Buchman, no! Come on, please!

Jeez, I'm talking about your baby-sitter.

Oh, Arley?

Arley, yes, yes. I kinda,

I just think she's sweeter than a gooseberry pie.

Yeah, she's a gooseberry. She is.

Thing is, I'm in a state here, Mr. Buchman.

I can't stop thinking about her.

It's affecting my work.

That's no good.

Just yesterday, I'm out walking Murray,

I accidentally, I left one of his offerings

right there in front of Bagel Nosh.

Listen, don't blame yourself.

Listen, even Willie Mays couldn't catch them all.

The thing is, Arley, she's not like the girls

that I'm used to courting there.

I see. What type of girls are you used to courting there, Nat?

Well, debutantes mostly.

Debutantes?

Mostly, yeah. Debutantes, socialites.

The dogs I walk, they tend to,

they tend to travel in some pretty heady social circles.

Sure. Probably poopin' in front of the Ritz.

The thing is these women,

they ask me out.

You know, they take me places. I'm busy.

I'm along for the ride, you know.

I don't know, I think I'm like, spoiled.

I think I've become complacent with it.

It's like I'm a girl toy, if you will.

You're a girl toy?

If you will, yeah, you know, uh,

the thing with Arley, though is,

with her, I'd have to do the asking.

I'm just... I'm as scared as a chihuahua on Christmas morning here.

Point is, I'm scared. You're scared?

It's a very frightening thing. I remember very, very clearly

asking Judy Findler to the sixth-grade square dance.

But you know what?

You did it anyway.

Did it anyway. I sucked it up

and I walked over to her at lunch, and I,

and I asked her like a man and you know what happened?

She said yes.

No, she said "no." She scoffed.

She mocked me. She mocked me, and she told her friends,

and her friends mocked me.

They did a whole skit about it at talent night.

It was... well into high school before people stopped mocking me

about walking over to Judy Findler.

Oy. Yeah.

So if you don't want to ask a woman out,

just don't, because they'll kill you, these people.

They're killers. You just, you know, lay back.

Let her come to you.

So you're saying I should stay.

Just stay. Stay.

Stay. Stay.

That's good. Good, Nat.

Because I'll tell you, sometimes,

sometimes doing nothing is the most anything a man can do.

You're like a wise old tree.

I get that a lot.

Ira, are you coming to bed?

Just a second, baby.

First, we are going to do a little mirror adjustment.

Figure we'd at least try something new, you know.

Take a little peek at ourselves.

Okay, Barbara, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100.

Seven.

That's it!

Oh!

Oh, my god!

What's wrong?

I look like that?

It was the most horrifying thing I ever saw.

You having sex.

Yes.

It was like watching a sick walrus

trying to climb over a rock.

Ira, you're so far from a walrus.

I am all flanks and pale skin.

I'm telling you, I have no ass.

All right?

It's like, at some point my back,

it just kinda... it becomes the top of my legs.

I should never be naked.

And when I am, I should lie perfectly still.

What's the matter with you?

I think I got the apnea.

The sleep apnea?

Yeah, yeah. I go to sleep, I wake up, I just don't feel like...

What are you doing, throwing out books?

Yeah, dirty books.

Why?

I told you I am done with sex

and everything having to do with it.

You're not done with sex.

Paulie, I am so done with sex, you have no idea.

You just started.

I'm done with it. You're not done.

Would you stop telling me I'm not done!

Listen, nobody looks good having sex.

What, are you crazy? Women, they look great having sex.

Okay, but only them.

I mean... what, you're throwing out videotapes?

Yeah, filthy videos.

I see, because you're done with sex. That's right.

Hey, hey, hey, That's a copy of Buchman.

Yeah, I know. I taped over it.

Let me ask you a question. What?

How much time of your life do you think you spend

actually having sex?

I don't know. Maybe 10% of the time.

Okay. And what about thinking about sex?

Uh, 40%.

Okay, and then angling for sex?

Paulie, what are you saying to me?

I'm saying without sex, what are you?

You're a guy in an empty apartment.

What is that?

3%.

You can't cut sex out of your life.

Without sex, what are you going to do with your time?

I don't know. Chess? Bonsai gardening?

Bonsai... okay, what do you do with this?

What do you think?

Hey, Arley. Hey, Jamie.

How's my little girl?

Very chatty today.

Hi.

Jamie, can I ask you a question?

Sure. It's about Nat.

Oh, the answer is yes.

What? He always wears the jacket.

No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

What I want to say, how should I put this?

Do you think Nat is, um, eccentric?

What do you mean, eccentric?

Well, not eccentric like he thinks he's a carton of orange juice.

Not that kind of eccentric.

No, but eccentric like the guy who does think

he's a carton of orange juice,

Nat would buy him lunch.

He's exactly that kind of eccentric.

And that's a good kind of eccentric.

Very good. So, I'm not crazy for liking him, right?

Do you mean liking him, liking him? Yeah.

Oh, my god, no!

Oh, Nat's the sweetest guy in the world. This is great news.

So good. So, I'm just going to seduce him.

Whoa, what?

Well, I mean not just yet. I mean eventually.

I'll ask him out to dinner.

No, no, Arley, Arley, Nat's shy. Very shy.

No, no, Arley, don't ask. Don't ask.

So, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, well, I'll be gentle.

I'm sure you would, but, Arley,

think of Nat, sort of like a stray dog.

Okay.

If you rush him, he'll run away.

I see.

But if you stand at a safe, comfortable distance,

maybe with your hand extended just a little bit,

offering your face for him to smell.

He'll come running right at you.

This is a metaphor, right?

Well... No. Yeah, yeah.

All right, Mr. Buchman,

now, I'll be watching and recording you on that video camera,

so why don't you just lie back and get some sleep?

Okay, I will try.

I gotta say, I've never had this much space.

I usually have a wife.

Well,

we have something for you.

Meet Betsy.

What do you mean Betsy?

Or Bob.

Depending on your... orientation.

Let's say Betsy.

You know, I know it's not very scientific,

but, um, we find it does the trick.

I bet it does.

Yes, she's helped me

through some pretty tough times.

I recall a drizzly Halloween night just a few months...

You know what, doc,

I don't need all the details.

Oh, all righty.

Well, you should get some sleep.

Yes.

Good night, Mr. Buchman.

Good night to you, doctor.

Good night, Betsy.

Betsy, Betsy says goodnight.

Don't take this personally, Betsy, but,

he's a big nut job, your little doctor friend.

I'd like to know what kind of medical school

waved him on through.

You know what? Come here, you.

You see, I'm sleeping like a baby.

You both look very peaceful.

Right. Which is why the doctor suspects

that you may be the one with the apnea.

Sleep apnea, not "the" apnea.

All right, whatever. My, not sleeping may well be because of you.

The plague. The black death. I understand. Okay.

All right, it's apnea. You don't say "the" apnea.

So it's apnea, but your restless sleep

may be giving me restless sleep,

which is why I think we should really check it out.

I'm fine.

Why don't we let the doctor decide?

Same doctors who put you in bed with a wooden doll?

Foam. Foam. All right? Betsy is made of foam.

Who?

Be... doesn't matter, but...

Just, I think you should go.

Fine. I will go to the clinic.

Thank you.

Why would you say she looks wooden?

Man, I wish I was having sex.

What do you bring to a sleep clinic?

Just the bags under your eyes.

I don't have bags under my eyes.

Then you can pack light.

Okay if I get a dove bar?

Sure. Please, help yourself.

Our dove bars are your dove bars.

I got it. Ow, now I think I hurt my coccyx.

Oh-oh. Hey, Nat.

Hey, there. Ho, there.

Hi, Nat. Could you just excuse me one second?

Sure.

Nat's here!

Listen, just remember,

be loose, be cool, be Nat.

Roger and Wilko.

Just remember, deep inside, every woman is a debutante.

You know, sit down. Let her come to you.

Absolutely, and ya betcha.

Just remember, stay.

Stay. Stay.

Remember, let him come to you. Got it.

Well. Okay.

Tick-tock. We should go.

Sleepy sleepy. Have fun, you two.

Have fun. No pressure, but have fun.

This may sound strange, but you look good.

I would so much rather be at disco night.

It'll be all right.

What, are you kidding me? I'm sorry.

I thought it would help you get to sleep.

I don't need help getting to sleep,

which is why I don't need to be here.

All right, come on, it's just for one night, all right?

Can I have the dummy?

What do you need her for?

'Cause I want it.

First of all, her name is Betsy.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Just... here.

Well, gesundheit and god bless you there.

If I may.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I'm about done here.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

Just, uh, gonna head on back to my place

and, uh, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna lay low.

And I'll just be here letting things happen when they happen.

If they should happen.

Okay, then, well, um,

well, I'll see you around.

Bye, Nat.

Bye-bye.

You know what I think, Arley?

I think you're sweeter than a gooseberry pie.

And I know I'm not supposed to say that,

but I feel it's my duty to say that,

'cause if I should die tomorrow, I think you should know

that I think you're sweeter than a gooseberry pie.

That's so sweet.

It's very sweet, but I think that you're sweeter, even.

No, I meant what you said.

Well, I meant what I said.

No, I know. I... thank you.

Well, you know, you deserve it.

Okay. Well, I'm free to die now.

Well, I'll see you around.

Nat, wait!

Coming back.

Maybe you could stay a little longer

and we could go out for a little dinner or something.

I can maybe... I can maybe, I could.

I can maybe... I can maybe... maybe I could.

I can stay.

So, how'd it go?

Just perfectly fine.

Help me! All right, all right.

Ow! I could have done that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well...

I think we found the source of your sleeping trouble, Mr. Buchman.

Is it the apnea? Tell me the truth.

No, not quite.

See? Told you so.

Hey, hey, hey! What are you, nuts?

I'm sorry.

Mrs. Buchman.

If you'll watch the tape.

I think you'll understand.

Now, this is about 2:00 in the morning

when you're deep into REM sleep.

Seems normal.

Uh-huh, but watch what happens next.

A little rustling.

Everybody rustles sometimes.

Notice as her sleep becomes a bit more agitated.

Oh my god! Mental agitation!

What am I doing?

Oh! What is that?

Kidney punch.

Look at this. Why would you do that?

I don't remember.

What's the matter with you?

Open hand to the head.

And, the cranial love tap.

Now, needless to say,

we believe, we've found your husband's sleeping problem.

Is that what's happening to me?

Well, you've taken something of a pounding. Yes.

I'm sorry. I can't accept this.

This is an aberration.

I would never do anything to hurt Paul.

Mr. Buchman, have you had any unexplained bruises or body aches recently?

Yes!

I think this explains why.

Why? Why would you do... why? Why would she do that?

You can't be saying that I would do the same thing to Paul

that I did to that dummy.

Betsy. Betsy!

Her name is Betsy.

My god! For god's sake.

Oh, you want to dance.

All right, you want to dance?

All right, all right, let's dance.

Well, that's enough.

Yeah, doc, so the reason I'm here is because

I just... I have not been sleeping well lately.

In fact, I think I have the apnea.

It's called sleep apnea.

Yeah, right, whatever.

Where's the doll?

Well, it's, uh, here.

Thank you. Here we go.

Yeah. Her name is...

Betsy, Betsy, I know.

Now remember, we'll be...

Taping me with the camera.

Can I get a copy of that?

Yes.

Thank you.

Well... good night.

Good night, doc.

Toodle-doo.

Heard a lot about you, Betsy.