Original subtitles

Oh, most of my friends love that.

♪ Tell me why ♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into ♪ The final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah ♪

You sure you didn't see it?

Sorry.

A whole bag of cookies just disappears?

Sure you bought 2 bags?

Yes. I'm positive. I remember the guy at the checkout counter

going, "ah, somebody likes a lot of cookies,"

like I need this guy commenting on my life.

Wait a second. Didn't we finish the cookies when my folk over?

Yes, but that was the first bag.

There were, like, two left. Your father had one, and your mother said,

"Burt, the sugar will kill ya," and then she ate it.

And we didn't start the second bag?

No. They aren't here. I got a craving. I'm really upset.

Well, I'm gonna call the police and see what they know.

Maybe you ate 'em.

Yes, that's what I did.

I ate an entire bag of Milano cookies in one shot.

Not impossible.

Yeah, and then, I didn't tell you

because so shaky is our relationship, so fragile,

the ties that bind us, and so heinous a crime...

You tell me, where'd they go?

I don't know. Nobody knows.

You know what? It'll be just one of those sweet mysteries

Well, I don't like it.

I'm takin' a shower.

I'm finding the cookies.

All right. I'll wash up, you'll save France.

♪ I'm in the mood

♪ For a shower

♪ Simply because

♪ I enjoy a nice shower

Often before one's death,

one's life flashes before one's eyes.

Always know I love you.

They're not always the most profound images.

But when taken together, they do provide insight into a person's psyche.

Your son Paul has enormous potential.

Sure. SYLVIA: Well, naturally.

If only he would apply himself.

There's no question the young man has potential.

There's so much he can do.

There so much I know he wants to do.

Finished!

Totally empty.

Thank you! Good night, Chicago!

Paul! Paul!

Paul! Paul!

Guess who's living in Chicago now?

Who?

Your cousin Victor's wife Marilyn.

I told you they split up, didn't I?

Yeah. Yes. Yes, you did.

I hate to say I told you so,

but she was never right for him.

Paulie?

What? What are you doing?

Um...

Homework?

Really? And who is that, Judy?

H-hello, Mrs. Buchman.

Hello.

Isn't your mother expecting you for dinner?

I was just going.

Okay.

Burt, your son is kissing!

Paul, your mother is your mother.

I know. I know.

You're not gonna change her.

We discuss this all the time.

I don't know why you have to pay that woman $100 an hour.

I'll make it very simple for you.

Your mother is a horrible person.

Okay Period. End of sentence.

Free of charge.

A hundred dollars a week?

When I first met your mother, do you know what I was making? $65 a week.

60!

Sixty dollars a week, I was making.

And I think when Debbie was born,

I gave myself a raise, a whopping $75.

80! $80 a week!

But $100 a week to talk about your problems?

Unheard of.

Unheard of!

Didn't we teach you about money?

You see how all the pictures are facing the same way?

That's fundamental, very important.

When you see a guy with his money facing every which direction,

do you know what it says? The guy's a loser.

Big loser.

Plus, and this is what I want you to remember, Paulie...

The big bills are on the inside,

and the singles and the fives on the outside.

Do you know why?

Because that way people don't see the big bills and rob you?

That's right, my smart boy.

You see? Organized and nice.

You see, you want to put the applesauce on this side

and the green beans on this side

because they're very different flavors

and you don't want to get them confused, you see?

Separate and nice.

He's so his father it's unbelievable.

All right, first of all, I'm not,

and, second of all, what would be so bad if I were?

He always phrases things in such a way that he can't be wrong.

I don't. No. That's not... I don't. No, I don't.

And if I did, I do it less than you.

See? Paul?

That was a little childish. I caught that.

It's not always about winning, Paul.

Thank you.

Okay, so how come when she wins, that's okay?

It'll be your third light.

Don't give her lights. Give her landmarks.

Third light. It's across from Monty's house of pies.

You'll see it. There's a big store across the street.

Pies. A big pie store.

Monty's house of pies. You know what?

They'll see the "M" from Monty's... big, like a mountain range.

Do you want to talk to her?

Do you want her to find it, or don't you?

One of us is doing this. You or me?

You. Thank you.

But you're doing it badly.

No. See, it's a strip mall

Right after the Cloverleaf turn.

It's the 28th light.

You'll see there's a pet world,

and then there's a baseball card and memorabilia shop.

You'll see a big sign, "Doug's Cards."

Make the right, then you'll see another light.

You know what? You can't miss it. There's a huge wooden owl.

The owl is gone. Just look for the light.

Hold on a second. Excuse me.

Is this not exactly the kind of thing you hate when I do to you?

Does it bother you?

No, but the point is when I do this kind of thing to you,

you hate it.

Because it bothers me. I understand.

So, if this bothers you, tell me.

You're missing my point. The point is, why can't you see the similarity

between when you do this and when I do this?

Because when you do it, it's annoying.

It's the 28th light.

Well, who we marry says a lot about us.

Meaning what?

Well, for example, Paul, when you talk about Jamie,

it sounds like you're talking about your mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Meaning what? That I'm like his mother?

Well, maybe.

In some ways.

Or maybe you're the exact opposite.

What do you think, Paul? Is Jamie like your mother?

Um...

You know...

If...

It's...

Who knows? You know? Really? I don't know.

When in the face of death,

the mind calls forth a dizzying array of seemingly unrelated images.

Oh, uh...

All right, uh...

I see. Now you...

Ha! What do you think of that?

Paulie, what have we learned?

When you play against my mom...

Both: You ain't never gonna win.

That's correct, my friend.

Everything comes to the surface.

Look at this.

Cigarettes and matches...

Very nice for a 13-year-old boy.

Where'd you find all this?

Where? I found it.

It was just sitting out?

No, it wasn't just sitting out.

It was in a box.

Florsheim shoes.

Inside a bag.

In the closet.

In a bigger box marked "letters from grandma."

What was I, born yesterday?

You ain't never gonna win.

But, in truth, these images all may be different expressions

of the same basic desire.

I want to win, Lord!

Look at this.

Oh, for god's sake.

Naked girls, Burt.

I see.

Not only naked, but look. Look how they're sitting.

And I'm not a prude, Burt.

No, no, no.

I don't know any one of our friends

who would say Sylvia Buchman is a prude.

No, no, no. They wouldn't.

Look at this. Can you imagine if these girls' parents were alive

and they stumbled across this?

They'd... they'd... they-d... I don't know what.

He just leaves these sitting around... My brilliant son?

No, he didn't leave them sitting around.

I looked, I came across.

It was inside a little valise.

In a blanket.

Above the dryer.

In the crawlspace.

Oh.

You ain't never gonna win.

I want to win, lord!

I want to win!

You're not gonna get anything past Jamie, ever,

So you can just stop tryin'.

Yeah, but why is that?

I was once gettin' my nails done

at this place called Vivian's, a great little shop I discovered.

And, for some reason, I just didn't feel like sharin' it with anyone.

Sure.

I see Jamie and I'd just gotten my nails done,

and she goes, "hi, Fran."

Like that.

"Hi, Fran."

Like there was this little awkward silence, like, "Fran."

Isn't there anything you're not sharing with me?"

Oh, stop it.

No. I am telling you,

she has this radar, and it goes right to the back of your brain.

Well, women, you gotta understand, are different.

It's not just a man-woman thing.

It's Jamie.

I mean, you can lie to a woman,

you just gotta work a whole lot harder.

I mean, to be honest with you, it's almost not even wort

Unless, of course, you're very, very good.

How did she know I didn't read the book?

Sweetie... I could have read the book.

No, no, no. You didn't commit.

I committed. She said,

"Did you ever read Angela's Ashes?"

And I said, "mm-hmm."

You've never read it.

No, but she doesn't know that.

And I've been meaning to read it, so that's like something.

It's not like I never heard of it.

Sweetie, you can't lie. Just accept it.

What?

You can't. You don't have it in you.

You're an honest person.

That is a terrible thing to say.

No. It's one of the things I love most about you.

Let me tell you something.

I could lie as good as anybody.

You really can't.

Hey, of course I can.

Hmm... No, you can't, but it's okay.

You know what? Now you're really buggin' me.

Sweetie! Just drop it!

But I used to be able to lie, didn't I?

When?

I don't know. Before, years ago.

Oh, yeah. Years ago you were very strong.

I mean, when you applied yourself,

you could lie like nobody's business.

What happened was I did the assignment,

and then I did the bonus questions, too...

You know, the ones we really didn't even have to do...

But I didn't like the way those came out, so I ripped 'em up.

But I wasn't thinking, and I accidentally ripped up the whole thing.

With the other answers, the ones we were supposed to do.

So that's why when you asked, did I do the assignment,

I said, "well, yes, I did it, but I don't have it."

All right, then.

Sit down.

No. But I mean after that, as a grownup.

I used to lie, didn't I?

Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. You remember the girl from Cincinnati?

Who was that?

I don't know her name.

You don't remember her? She was from Cincinnati.

Her? IRA: No.

Her? IRA: No.

Her? IRA: No.

You mean her? No. She had, like, reddish hair.

You met her in Florida.

Don't know who you're talking about.

Oh, yes, you do. We met her in Florida.

She was on vacation from Cincinnati.

Her grandmother had a boat.

And my grandmother got this guy's boat,

so we came down from Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Yeah, sure. Of course. Yeah. Right.

You remember all the crap you told her about you and boats?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so funny. I practically grew up on boats.

My... My father had...

He built, actually, a 40-foot, uh...

So you know what a storm chaser is?

No. It's a boat.

And from the time I was, like, three,

I used to always go out and, uh...

I used to sit on my dad's lap.

You know, he let me hold the wheel,

and we used to just sail across the water.

Nobody around for miles, just me, my old man, and the wind.

Yeah.

I remember, he always used to say to me,

He said, "son, never forget that a man and his boat

"Are like 2 hearts in one soul...

"Caressing each other and holding each other lovingly and tenderly.

"But always serving one common master,

which is their dance across an ageless sea."

I don't know. I've... I just...

I guess I've always lived my life that way.

I want you to take me right here and right now.

My god, I was good.

I'm tellin' ya.

What happened to me?

Man, these are good.

You see, Paulie,

the trick is, you have to balance yourself.

I mean, it's like this sandwich here, for example.

This is a big sandwich.

Yes.

I mean, you figure between the salami and the provolone

and the mayonnaise... and I'm usin' the real kind here...

Mm-hmm. You add it all up, you're talkin' about,

well, like, uh... A million calories.

All right.

But everything in balance, my friend.

What do you suppose that I had for breakfast?

A smaller one of these?

No, no, no. The juice of one grapefruit.

That's all?

Just that.

It's all a question of balance, my friend.

Mmm!

I could stop eatin' any time I want.

You see what it is? It's twice the chocolate now.

Now, that's just unfair.

Toying with people's lives.

I could stop eatin' any time I want to.

Servings per container...

Eight? What, are they kidding me?

There's no way this is making it through eight people.

The whole bag?

I ate an entire bag of cookies?

Why didn't you stop me?

Or at least go get me some milk or somethin'?

And I know you're not supposed to eat that many cookies.

So I know I'm out of control.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

What? You're not eating.

I'm eating. I've been eating since I got home from camp.

So you'll eat a little more.

I mean, I'm sure it's connected to my childhood somehow,

You know, but I don't know exactly how.

Hmm.

Well, what do you think it might be?

I don't know.

Hard to say, really.

Maybe, just maybe,

there's, like, a sexual component, you know?

Because I know it's always related somehow to sexual things.

I don't know exactly how,

but I'm suggesting maybe it's that.

Maybe fighting or wanting to have a fight.

Or my mother. Maybe it's old anger at my mother.

Maybe Jamie and my mother.

You know, something to do with the two of them,

maybe something between them.

Maybe something I feel towards both of them.

Eh...

I just want to win, Lord!

I really, really, would like to win.

Maybe it's about winning, wanting to win,

feeling a need to win...

Having a desire to win?

I like to win.

Winning?

Perhaps with anger?

Mixed in there with the anger, I'm guessing?

With the whole sexual thing.

And a little, like, my childhood.

Wanting to measure up.

You know, fear of not measuring up somehow.

My father?

Is it my father somehow?

As the breadwinner, you know,

or, like, the rock of the family?

Ooh. Uh...

Well, just whatever.

You know, my father in general.

Look, Paul, actually, I can't help you.

Just a little!

If I could win just a little!

What if you can't?

How's that?

Uh, I say, what if you can't win?

Do you still want to live?

Yes, but not as much.

Paul...

You... You kill me.

Don't you realize

that there are things much more important than winning?

Think, man.

Think.

Oh.

Sure.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Hey, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop!

I ate the cookies, all the cookies.

I ate all the cookies. Okay, here's the bag.

I hid it in the couch when you came in.

I wasn't gonna tell you, but I am, okay?

I... I am the eater of the cookies.

But I just want you to understand something.

I could've gotten away with this if I wanted to, you know.

I mean, I could've never told you,

and you never would have known, right?

I mean, before when I told you that I didn't eat the cookies,

I said, "oh, I didn't eat the cookies."

You believed me, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Which means I can lie to you.

I choose not to.

That's right. I mean, you could have been looking

for that bag the rest of your life.

You never would have found it, you know?

And I would have won. I would have won.

I would have had my little secret,

and you would have gone insane, looking for those cookies.

You would have ended up in a home somewhere.

I'd have to visit you twice a month until we're dead.

But I didn't. I didn't, and you know why?

Why?

I don't want to lie to you.

It makes me feel bad.

I love you.

Everything else is just silliness.

And if there's anything clogging up whatever you and I have,

I don't want it, and I won't let it be there.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So that's why you weren't gonna tell me,

just so you could prove you could lie?

Uh-huh.

Wow. Yeah. I know.

But I get it now. Very clever now.

Well, good.

Can I ask you just one thing?

Go ahead.

Why did you eat 15 cookies in the first place?

They were just very good.

I see. Sure.

♪ I'm gonna take a shower

♪ Because I enjoy

♪ A shower

♪ But

♪ I don't enjoy

♪ Falling

♪ So this way

♪ I maybe won't fall

♪ I put little sticky things on the tub floor

♪ They will help the friction

♪ So I don't fall

♪ And die