Original subtitles

Huh? What do you think?

It's tomorrow night.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah ♪

Okay, Paulie, here is the big question.

If you could have any sandwich named after you,

what sandwich would it be?

Tongue.

Really? Why?

Let people wonder.

Paulie, come on.

I'm serious. Riff told me that when the new menus come out

he's gonna name a sandwich after me.

He says that my name would be perfect for a sandwich.

Well, you're very blessed.

Hi.

Hi. You know, we're gonna have to wait to order.

Uh, I was hoping to meet my wife here.

Okay. Um...

How about her?

She just broke up with her boyfriend.

You know, maybe I wasn't clear.

My wife is gonna walk in through that door any minute.

Oh. Okay, well, that's the spirit.

So what is this, Paulie?

Is this, like, the nine millionth time

Jamie's been late because of that job?

I don't know. Whatever it is.

You, my friend, are a prince.

Nah, nah, I'm not a prince.

It's true. Look, right now you bear the brunt

of the child-rearing responsibilities.

You're incredibly supportive of your wife working

even though it takes her away from you.

You are a prince among men.

Let's not overstate it, okay?

I'm not a prince. I'm just a guy making a sacrifice,

putting my own dreams on hold for the moment

so that I can help her make her dreams come true.

I'm a prince is what I am.

That's what I'm saying.

It's just temporary.

She's going to quit her job very soon.

Besides, it's not exactly like people are killing themselves to give me jobs.

No new offers?

I got one. Here you go. To teach.

So? What's wrong with that?

To teach? That's like, you know, that's code for,

"We've seen your film. Please don't ever do that again."

No, no. That's not true at all.

Whatever. It's some college or something.

It's not even in America. What is it, Scotland or some Godforsaken place?

Paulie...

This letter is from the University of Edinburgh.

Yeah. So?

So? That's, like

that's, like, a prestigious University.

Yeah, for sheepherding I'm sure it's terrific.

For film, not so much.

Look, why don't you find out a little bit about a place,

just a little bit, before you mock?

What's the difference how prestigious it is?

What, I'm going to pick up my family, I'm going to move to Scotland?

Some of the prettiest country on earth, my friend.

What's that? Greens and purples, rolling hills,

Loch ness.

Not to mention the Northern Lights.

All right, since when do you know things?

Yeah, this is Mindy.

Hi.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, oh, Ursula, you know what?

Absolutely. No, I will leave you two alone.

Um... Um, Mindy?

There's been a misunderstanding.

Mindy, I'm Ira. How you doing?

Why don't you come join us?

Thank you. You're welcome. You know what?

This place is gonna name a sandwich after me.

Really? Yeah.

You know, I could... get you a part

in one of my next films.

So, um...

What kind of sandwich, Ira?

Tongue.

Oh, boy, so I'm seeing you for lunch today?

No, actually, that was yesterday.

Oh, goodness.

That's okay. I'm sorry.

Hey, listen, you've been a little distracted.

Yep. But after today, no more.

You really gonna quit?

Yep. Just as soon as I hand in this last proposal.

Okay, that's Joan and Debbie.

I invited them over to look after Mabel

so you could meet me for lunch... yesterday.

What am I going to do with them now?

You'll go out, you'll get a haircut.

I don't really need a haircut. So you'll go bowling.

That's a good idea. Bowling. That's very good.

Hey, you two.

Hey. Mom told me your news.

What news?

University of Edinburgh.

Oh...

That's not news.

What news?

I told you. This college in Edinburgh, They want me to teach sheep.

That's right.

I told her. She's been a little distracted.

You should do it.

I should do it? What, I should move to Scotland?

It's just a big pasture there.

They put up this University, simply, like, as a wind break.

I'm sure there's more to Edinburgh than just that it's boring.

Paul, the University of Edinburgh

has one of the finest film schools in Europe.

All right, what, are they sending everybody pamphlets now?

Blue folder, blue folder, blue folder.

Haven't seen it, haven't seen it, haven't seen it.

Sweetie, take off your coat.

Oh, that's okay. You feeling all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. So take your coat off.

That's okay.

What, do you have a fever? No.

Take off your coat. It's okay.

You have chills? You feel a chill? I'm fine.

So take off your coat.

Take off the coat...

Wha...

You don't like it.

No. No, I like it.

I don't even know If I'm allowed to say this legally, but...

God bless you. Look at you.

Nobody asked you.

That's true. I'm sorry. That's wrong.

Well, it was supposed to be a surprise, but...

This afternoon I'm going to pose for New York Womanmagazine.

Get out!

How did that happen?

Well, they're doing a spread

on the 20 most eligible bachelorettes in New York city.

Bachelorettes.

That is so cool.

Really? Yes.

What, it's not?

Well, see, the thing is,

you're not eligible.

And also, I might add, not exactly the kind of bachelorette

they were talking about.

All right, but... but wouldn't you say that it's...

It's groovy?

No. No. If I had to pick a word,

I would say disgusting.

Betraying.

Insulting.

And yet, at the same time,

Somehow a little groovy... I gotta say.

Hey! What happened?

Blue folder. There it is, see?

Listen, I know this is terrible timing, but I have to go to work.

That's okay.

I'm sorry to leave you here with this.

That's okay. It'll be great.

Listen, you go have a great last day of work. I'll see you tonight.

Thank you. You're a prince. I get that a lot.

You know what? You ladies, why don't you go, too,

'cause Mabel and I...

Eligible. Would you like to be eligible?

Because that can be arranged.

Would you guys mind watching Mabel?

Why do you always have to get so angry?

Maybe because you fill me with rage!

I'm in the mood for a little haircut and a little bowling.

So you quit your job, and then what?

So they wished me well and I left.

How do you feel?

I feel great.

I feel undistracted.

We can do whatever we want.

Let's go to Scotland.

Hey, don't kid around. I looked into the place.

Apparently that got, like, quite a film community there.

See that? You're starting to like the idea, aren't you?

The idea, yeah. The reality, I'm sure, bleh.

Oh, lordy.

Oh, the fighting lesbians.

If I'm not mistaken,

also the name of the Smith College ice hockey team.

You know what? I'm gonna go pee.

Please pee later.

All right.

I did it because I wanted to.

What about what I want?

Deb, when they do a photo spread

at Irritating Life Partner Monthly,

you're more than welcome.

Hey, the new menus.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Okay, and now, um,

are you still waiting for your wife?

No. This is she.

Hey, Ursula.

Oh, all right. You work fast.

Oh, man, I don't believe this.

What's the matter?

Riff did not name a sandwich after me.

He didn't? Excuse me.

Where are you going?

It wasn't true about the sandwich, was it, Ira?

You were just using the sandwich to impress me.

Mindy, no.

Boy, oh, boy. You see, in my day,

It was, like, a Camaro or big muscles

to impress the gals. That kind of thing.

I'll tell you this. I'm not taking it sitting down. Excuse me.

And you know what, sweetie?

If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go pee now.

Okay.

You see, there is someone

who consults his significant other before making a decision.

So how's everybody? Good?

Hey, Ursula.

Listen, uh, do you know why Riff did not name a sandwich after me?

Okay, just a second, I'm stirring.

Okay. Now, what is the question?

Do you know why Riff did not name a sandwich after me?

Oh. Uh, no.

Okay, do you know when Riff is coming in today?

What is it?

Do you know what time Riff is coming in today?

Oh. No.

Oh, terrific. Man doesn't even have the nerve to face me.

Ursula, the menu is on fire. Ursula.

Okay, what do you want?

The menu is on fire!

Oh. All right.

Oh. There.

Hey.

You got a fire extinguisher?

A what?

Fire extinguisher.

Hey, hey, buddy, you got a fire extinguisher here?

Yikes!

Listen, I gotta find a fire extinguisher.

You take these, see if you can smother the flames.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Okay. Go away, fire.

Now shoo. Shoo! Shoo!

What are you doing?

I'm smothering the flames.

No, you're not. You're fanning the flames.

Oh. Yeah. That's right.

Hey, what's this? What's in here?

Oh, water.

Okay, great. Stand back. I'll take care of this.

What did you say was in here?

Yeah. Grease.

Oh, my God!

We gotta get out of here.

We gotta get out of here!

We are talking about a fundamental issue

of respect and consideration.

What do I have to do to make you secure in this relationship?

Uh... guys?

I just want you to be honest about what you are.

Yes. Your property. Do you smell, like, uh...

That was an expression of love.

No. It was an expression of territorialism.

Okay. Fire.

What? Fire!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I really had to pee.

Five, ten, let's go, pull it up!

Come on, coming through!

James! There you are!

You're okay.

You're okay.

Oh! Oh!

I didn't know what happened to you.

I was so worried. I came out of the bathroom,

and I didn't know where you were,

so I started going back to the table...

You went to get me?

Yeah. This... wall of flame,

Like a big... like an actual wall made of flame

just came at me, so I got down on my knees...

Oh, my God. You went to rescue me. You're a prince.

I'm a prince. Yes, I know.

My knight in shining armor.

I was... I just didn't know what happened to you.

I'm so glad you got out okay.

Yeah. I saw the smoke, I just ran out of there.

You ran out?

Yeah. I saw the smoke.

Luckily, I... whoo... I ran out of there.

So you were never in danger.

No. I saw the smoke... all of us just ran right out of there.

Didn't... didn't forget anything in there?

No... Jacket or...

Got my jacket. You got your bag?

Hey! How about... Your husband?

Oh, my God!

Your soulmate who's peeing his little heart out in there,

unaware that there's a fire going on?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You knew I was in the bathroom!

Yes, I did. Oh, my God!

You didn't think to come in and say,

"Hey, there's a fire out here. You might want to hurry up in there?"

Paul, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

Oh, get up. If you don't want to go to the men's room,

send somebody else in there.

Oh, Paul, I'm so sorry.

Oh, get up. Or just leave a note at the table:

"Had to run. Big fire. Hope you make it out alive."

Okay, listen. The important thing is we're both okay.

No. No.

That was the important thing.

Now the important thing is that you left me in there

to choke to death.

The second I got out here,

the first thing I said is, "where's Paul?"

Well...

I was in the bathroom.

I love you.

I cherish you, and I love you.

I'm sorry I was so inconsiderate.

I'm sorry I was territorial.

I want to be your territory.

You do?

Always. For as long as both of us

Are lucky enough to be alive.

What are you saying?

What do you think I'm saying? Will you marry me?

Yes.

Oh!

Well, it's good to see

fires bring out the best in some people.

Ursula, breathe.

Okay, are we gonna be done soon?

Ursula, you're breathing.

Yeah, well, for, like, a long time, now.

Oh... thank God!

Yeah, well, I didn't want to interrupt you,

You know, because you seemed so serious.

No, I... I didn't realize that you were conscious.

Well, yeah.

So how did I get here?

Well, you passed out from the smoke in the kitchen.

I carried you out.

So you saved my life?

Well... No. Hey.

Ursula...

Okay. 'Cause, I mean, if you had saved my life,

then I would do anything you asked to repay you. So...

Really? Yeah.

Well, you know,

Actually, come to think of it,

I sort of did save your life.

Technically.

I thought so.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, then, what can I do

to show you my gratitude?

Well, listen, Ursula...

When Riff's reopens and the new menus come out,

could you make sure that they name that sandwich after me?

I promise.

Mm.

See? He dragged her out, and they barely know each other.

All right.

Hey.

Hey. How was your shower?

Very good. Very good. Used about 2,000 q-tips

getting that soot out of my ears.

Like my head was a chimney.

You run around in a burning building, you get plenty dirty.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I've said it over and over and over. I'm sorry.

That's okay. You did, and there's no need to say it again.

Okay. Say it one more time.

I'm sorry. There you go.

I'm sorry, go ahead. Go ahead.

I was actually... you go first.

No, you... honey, please go first.

Okay, all right, all right, I... I...

Here's... here's what I think.

Um...

It's like this.

You know how the fire, uh, it sort of...

It made Debbie and Joan really take stock in their lives?

Yes.

And Ursula and Ira took stock?

Yes.

The fire made me take stock.

Me, too.

Really? Yes.

So you're thinking what I'm thinking? I hope so.

Life is short. Yes.

You know, and... and it could be over tomorrow.

Yes.

We gotta seize the day. Carpethat diem.

Yes! Yeah.

So you're thinking we gotta move to Scotland.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh. That's where I went.

What did you have?

I want to go back to work.

Oh, that's... that's very different.

Sweetie, I... I love working.

I know, but, jeez... oh, that's... oh, oh...

You want to teach, suddenly?

I...

I do.

A classroom full of sheep, you said.

They... they have a few sheep,

but they're scattered, they're all...

They have hills, these beautiful rolling hills.

They have Northern Lights. You want to see the pamphlet?

No.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

I... I... where you going?

I'm going to work.

Wait a second. I thought we're talking about this.

They're going to give my job to somebody else.

Let me get it back, then we'll talk.

What are you doing? No.

I'm blocking your path.

Paul, I love that job.

I gotta tell you, I don't love that job.

What happened to you support me no matter what?

What happened to the prince?

Prince... whoosh... gone. Abdicated.

Why?

Because that job changed you.

I was a little bit distracted.

You left me in a burning building.

Paul, I want my job back.

Okay. You know what?

Take your job.

Thank you.

What? Where are you going?

I'm going to Scotland.

I'm going to the kitchen now,

but I'm saying, later I'm going to Scotland.

A what?

A pre-nup.

Oh. Oh, I see.

It's nothing to worry about.

It's just a precaution. In case we get divorced.

We won't get divorced.

Then why do we need a pre-nup?

In case we do.

Hey. What about romance?

What about love?

What about believing there's a bond between us

that time and circumstance cannot break?

It's a very fair pre-nup.

You know what?

What? This was not a good fire at all.

Was that fire, like, the greatest thing that ever happened, or what?

You mean the fire at Riff's?

Yeah.

It really was.

Come here.

Oh...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tony Curtis had to play the man and the woman.

I want my job back.

I know I said I quit, but I've thought about it,

and I want to stay.

Wow. It's up to Mr. Carville and Ms. Matalin.

Okay. Shall I speak to them?

Well, Mr. Carville's with the President...

The President of...

Oh, the President President.

The President, yes.

Carville.

Mr. Carville, it's Jamie Buchman calling.

Oh, yeah, hi.

Carville, I need you over here.

Look, Jamie, I'm kind of with the leader of the free world.

Could I possibly...

I've done some soul searching,

and I've decided I want my job back. I know I just quit,

And you're probably thinking,

"What the heck's going on in that crazy brain of Jamie's?"

But I want my job back, and I'll do anything I have to do to keep it...

Carville, I mean it. I really need you over in here right now.

Jamie, you're a fine employee. Keep your job.

Thank you, sir. That means so much to me.

Carville, man, that better be the Pentagon.

Look, I gotta go.

I'll never forget the way You stuck your neck out for me and you...

Hello?

This is quite a swanky thing.

Believe me.

You got caviar.

You got waiters running around with toothpicks.

I figure if I spend enough of Joan's money,

there won't be any reason for a pre-nup.

Got everything all in the works.

Got passports renewed, even got a new passport for Mabel.

Little passport this big.

Ah! So Jamie's on board for Scotland.

We gotta, you know, dot a few Is, cross a few Ts,

And... and... plus, I gotta get her to stop saying "no."

You remember... you remember when I told you

to smother the flames, and instead, you fanned the flames?

Yeah.

No.

What are you doing?

I'm just basking in the glow

of having my job back. You?

I'm thinkin' about wearin' a kilt.

Ah.

Sure. 'Cause we're movin' to Scotland.

I'm serious about this. Okay. All right.

Okay. I really am.

When are we leaving?

Uh... I...

Where are we gonna live?

Well, we... What are we gonna do with the apartment?

Where's Mabel gonna go to school?

You thought about Murray? Well, you know...

Maybe we'll have to quarantine him.

Probably gonna have to quarantine him.

What? I'm sorry, what? There's a lot of...

I'm still working out the details.

There's details to be ironed out. No question.

Okay, good. So go work out your little details,

and I'll just be at work.

You think you're so tough.

You think you've won.

Let me tell you something, my little friend.

A war is made out of many little battles, okay?

And here's what we Scotch do.

We fight and then we walk away,

so that we may return to fight another day.

That's what we Scotch do.

Scots.

Whatever.

Debbie.

All right, you know what? Write a check.

What? Write a check. There's my bank balance.

Wow. Wow!

Big eligible bachelorette.

All right, now, I am signing my name to this blank check,

And whatever you want right now from me you can have.

Joanie.

Debbie, there isn't anything

I don't want you to have.

So, you're saying that I could write in any amount.

Mm-hmm.

Deb, I... I... if I may,

I believe this is what's meant as a gesture.

And a wonderful gesture it is.

I love you.

I love you.

Ah, look at these crazy kids.

You know what? If I may, everybody,

Let us make a toast...

Can we make a toast to my beautiful sister, Debbie

And... Joan,

her future, soon-to-be wife

and my soon-to-be sister-in-law.

That's all right, isn't it? Yeah.

Uh...

We just all want to wish you

the very best in life,

or, as we say in Scotland...

Honey.

Just... Good luck to you.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm pretty happy.

I'm... I'm all right.

And I, of course,

am gonna have the egg salad sandwich,

or, as it is now known,

The Ira Buchman.

You don't have to have the egg salad every time

just 'cause it's named after you.

I don't?

You think Morey Amsterdam always had the corned beef?

Maybe.

You think Sammy Davis,

every single time he came in here, he had the ham and swiss on rye?

Why not?

You this Willis Reed, no matter what kind of mood he's in,

he came in here, he had the turkey, chopped liver,

domestic mustard, Russian dressing?

Yeah.

You're living in a dream world.