Original subtitles

There's a nice clean dog.

This thing is great. Tremendous suction.

What are you doing?

Just cleaning up Murray.

With my breast pump?

I'm gonna clean it.

I'm just doing his back.

It's fur.

It was his idea.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, darling help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Paul: Honey! Sarah wants to know if we have any cookies.

Honey... Whoo, hot and moist on my face.

I know.

Sorry.

I'm cooking for my mommy and me group.

What are you making, rubber?

No. Mashed peas.

That's good, because regular peas

Would be just too appetizing.

Honey, health. Healthy food for the children. Health.

Right. What are you eating?

Cocoa Puffs.

Wow.

What?

I just never realized that peas smelled so much like monkeys.

Don't make fun of me.

No, I'm not. I'm really not.

I'm the one who got Sarah involved in this mommy and me group.

I'm trying to sell it.

I understand. I admire you for that effort.

There is just nothin' to eat, is there?

Yes, and anytime you want to food-shop,

don't think you'll be hurting my feelings.

Baby, is this, is this you or the powder.

It's my breast milk.

What?

I really... I do want to taste this.

So taste it.

Is that weird? No, I think it's nice. Taste it.

'Cause, you know, it's you. It is.

This is your essence, your life force. That's true.

This is what nourishes our daughter.

Oh, honey, please taste it.

You know, maybe later. Okay.

Paul!

Cookies!

Not so much cookies. How about some Cocoa Puffs?

Great. And bring sugar also.

Sugar for the Cocoa Puffs?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what, sweetie?

Little Claire may not be such a fan of the, uh, the mashed peas.

Maybe some nice mashed Twinkie.

Here we go, here we go.

Some nice Cocoa Puffs.

A little extra sugar, and I'll, uh...

I'll see ya when you land.

What are you watching there?

Oh, well, then, it must be good.

It's her favorite video.

It's called Teeny Tunes.

She can't be reached right now.

Wow. Who's that?

It's Ira!

Hi, slinky. Hey, Paulie.

You know Claire and Sarah.

Hi, Sarah. Hi.

Hello, Mabel.

Guess what? Uncle Ira brought you a present.

Oh, look, Mabel's saying,

"What is it, Ira? What is it?"

It's a watch!

Mabel's first watch.

How great.

And what an appropriate gift, too,

'Cause, you know, at 1:35 she has an appointment to spit up on herself.

Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, you know where it is.

I want you to take me.

Okay, but only till you're 30.

Hey, is that...

Is that that Teeny Tunesvideo?

What, you know about this?

Yeah, it's like the hottest kids' tape around.

It's unbelievable. It's a woman in a housecoat,

Just ironing and singing.

Yeah, you know, it's weird, too,

Because I know of at least three adult videos

which begin exactly the same way.

It's wild. Kids love it.

They just eat it up. They stare at it.

They're hypnotized by it. They just sit there quietly.

It's great, 'cause the grownups,

the parents can just live for a second.

We hate it. Let me finish.

We hate them, though.

Why? Because... Why?

Because it's like baby opium.

Kids just stare at it, and their brains shut off.

James. She's ironing and singing.

Exactly. She's teaching children nothing.

These things ought to open up kids' minds.

Ah, well, why don't you write one if you know so much?

Oh, all right. No, I'm just saying.

Paulie could direct it, I could produce it.

I mean, what are we talking about here,

a $6 or $8 cost per dozen?

Each one for 19.95 times, say, 60,000 units. That's...

Please write one.

It's not a terrible idea.

We could make a little money.

God, we'd be helping parents out.

With a big financial upside.

We could teach kids life lessons.

Make a big, stupid pile of cash.

I could actually get excited about this. Me, too.

Are we doing this? Yes, absolutely.

All right. All right.

Sweetie, what do you think?

What happened now?

Okay, all right, Pop,

Again, here...

Melon rinds,

glass,

utensils,

anything that isn't a liquid,

not a friend to the drain. That's all.

I know. I'm sorry.

That's all right, that's all right.

So how are you doing, Pop? Good?

I'm good. I'm very good.

Yeah? How'd everything go at the doctor's?

It went great.

He gave me these drops,

These ginkgo biloba drops.

You ever hear of those yet?

Sure. Ginkgo biloba. Yeah.

Eight drops a day, and now I hear better.

I didn't know you had a problem hearing.

I didn't. I heard fine. Only now, I hear better.

I hear everything.

I hear stuff that I never heard before.

Like what?

Rain.

Birds.

All the wonders of nature.

Burt!

Also, some things in the apartment.

You can't believe the stuff I've heard.

You know my favorite song?

♪ The last time I saw... ♪

Paris.

♪ The last time I saw Paris ♪

I never heard the word "Paris" until this week.

All my life I thought it was a song about a blind man.

It's a song about Paris. That's unbelievable.

I heard the doorbell ringing, Uh-huh.

The coffee percolating...

Yeah. And I heard you have a brother.

A what?

Right there.

What are you talking about?

On the refrigerator. There.

This? Yeah, that's your brother.

Yeah, under the banana magnet.

I thought this was like your friend's grandson or something.

So did I, and then the drops.

I heard your mother explain

what that $12 check was she wrote every month.

Meet your brother, Eddie Woo.

Do I have a foster brother?

Your eastern brother.

He's Thai.

Oh, he's Thai.

Eats everything with mint.

Did you tell him yet?

Uh-huh. You did?

How did he take it? He took it fine.

Okay, please don't talk about me in the third person.

I don't like it.

It doesn't mean that we love you any less, Paulie.

I, I understand.

Would you like us to take you to Carvel for a sundae?

I think I'll be okay.

A brother in Thailand, huh?

The first Buchman who can ride an elephant.

Paulie.

Elephant. Yeah, hops right on the elephant.

Yeah, okay. All right.

So what do we think?

Well, if you keep the sets minimal

and you don't hire any actors, it could work.

Of course it could work.

We can make a very nice,

very sellable little film here.

One that educates and stimulates.

And yet is commercially viable.

And yet doesn't pander, but instead inspires young imaginations.

All right. Whatever.

Whatever? You say whatever...

All right, both of you, I will turn this car around.

All right.

James, tell us what you got on the script.

Okay. The central character is,

you're gonna love this,

The Sandman.

The Sandman?

You mean, the guy who puts you to sleep?

Yes. I think the Sandman could teach kids what sleep is

and why they need it.

Yeah.

'Cause they're never gonna figure that out.

Hey, you know what? If we're collaborating...

All right, all right. Talking nicely.

We're talking nicely. Everybody...

No, wait a minute.

Why do we need a character like that?

Why can't it just be a person?

You know, like, in a housecoat.

Maybe ironing and singing.

It's already been done, Ira.

Yes, so we know that it works.

We're trying to do something better here.

We want to edify, not just anesthetize.

I have no idea what she just said.

Ira.

Listen to me.

The iron lady in the housecoat

is a beloved national figure.

I say we get an iron, we get a housecoat,

and we just roll tape.

I mean, how simple can it be? Are you just gonna make any...

All right, everybody. Listen, James, why don't you...

The floor is yours.

Okay.

The Sandman is standing over a crib, and he sings,

"As the sun sinks below the horizon

"a handful of dust I'll sprinkle your eyes in.

"Sleep is a natural phenomenon

"and with my help it can go on and on."

That's all I got so far.

- "I will sprinkle your eyes in." - What have you got?

I thought it was great. Very clever, thank you.

All right, all right, look.

Can the Sandman at least be in a housecoat?

No.

No. He has to be in a sandman costume.

What's a Sandman costume?

You know, a long hat with a ball on the end

And the one-piece gold thing with the little flap. Oh, cool!

All right. Is there any reason why he can't be ironing?

Ira? JAMIE: You know what?

What do you think?

Hmm?

Choose. Rule. Make a ruling.

I... Well...

You know, it's a teeny, little, teeny, kiddie, tuney video.

Oh, boy, you've never been excited about this.

I've never been... What? We've been doing this

for, like, exactly 12 seconds. So what?

Show some enthusiasm.

I don't... You know, it's...

I, I like videos.

I don't know why we have to make one, you know.

I mean, I like pancakes. I'm not opening an IHOP.

You know, so I don't...

I have been raising your child for four months...

Okay, here comes the child-raising story...

Nine months of pregnancy...

All right, now the swelling.

My ankles swollen like redwoods...

All right. Here we go. Sandman. I'm excited, excited,

Excited, very excited. Whoo! Excited. Very excited.

Hey, Paulie, come on, would ya? Hurry up!

You know how much these shyster camera guys cost?

I'm just making a point.

So my friend who works for the cable company

says he's gonna broadcast the video for us. How about that.

Oh, that's good.

It'll save people the trouble of actually buying it.

All right.

Come on, Paulie, hurry up!

All right. Sandman, at your service.

Sweetie, in terms of the pregnancy,

the humiliation, the pain,

I would say we're even now.

Where's your sand pouch?

What? Where's your Mr. Sandman sand pouch?

Where do you think Mr. Sandman carries his sand?

In his Mr. Sandman sand pouch? Yes.

Well, I don't know what I was thinking, forgetting myself like that.

Day one, you show up without your Mr. Sandman sand pouch.

Put it over your shoulder. Don't wear it like a purse

Hey, come on, before we actually start hemorrhaging money.

You'll hit the, the music there,

and I'll mouth along with the singer,

And then you can get me as I'm moving toward the crib.

Hey, creep.

What?

Creep. You have to creep toward the crib.

Remember, you are the Sandman.

I know. The horizon, sprinkle, sprinkle. The sun sits below.

James, James, can we go?

Well, it's gonna be more exciting if he creeps. All right.

Yeah, it's gonna be a thrill ride.

Okay, you know what, Mr.

You okay there, Mr. Director?

Yeah. Yeah, I think Hitchcock

used to wear this around, didn't he?

All right, let's go.

Ira, you'll say, "Action."

Paulie, you're the director.

Yes, but look how I'm dressed.

Are they gonna listen to me?

Okay, here we go. Tony!

All right. Lights.

And,

action!

Wait, wait, wait. Sweetie, what is that? I don't know.

What did we just say about creeping?

I thought that qualified as creeping.

So did I. I thought it was great creeping.

He was walking.

James, he was creeping.

He looked like a guy getting the paper.

Okay, when you say "he,"

I'm right here. Okay?

James, perhaps you want to show him how he should creep.

Happy to. How hard is it? Creeping. He's creeping.

Well, that's what I was going for. Well, it didn't...

Can we shoot, please?

All right. We're back to one, everybody.

All right, here we go. Tony.

This is gonna be the winner.

And lights.

And,

action.

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

What's wrong with that?

What happened there, the Sandman slip a disc?

Whoa, that's very cute. I was trying...

He was creeping.

Okay, I'm pretty sure that wasn't creeping.

I don't know what it was, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Okay, listen, if that's not creeping, I don't know what is.

Hey, either I was born yesterday, or it wasn't...

Okay. The Sandman cannot work like this!

You know who would really enjoy a copy of your baby video?

Who? Your brother.

Ma...

Don't be jealous.

I'm not jealous. Why would I be jealous?

What? You never heard of sibling rivalry?

I don't really think of him as a sibling.

Truck! Truck!

What are you saying?

Outside. Don't you hear it?

Oh, yeah, good for you, Pop.

Big truck. Yeah, good.

Those drops are incredible.

Ma, let me ask you something.

Eddie Woo lives in a hut in Chiang Mai,

So how's he gonna watch a video?

They sent us a tape.

Somebody over there must have something.

All right. So I'm gonna send my brother a video.

Oh, good, because you know how he looks up to you.

Eddie... Eddie Woo looks up to me?

My god, he idolizes you.

All right, everyone, it's time for the video.

I wanna watch The Terminator.

Ha. What a cutie she is.

Not gonna happen, Claire. Get real.

I wanna watch The Terminator.

You know what, Claire? This is actually a better video for you to watch.

♪ I'm the Sandman

♪ As the sun sinks below the horizon

♪ I'm the Sandman

I don't like this.

Turn him off.

♪ Sprinkle your eyes in

Sprinkle your eyes in?

♪ Sleep is a natural Phenomenon

♪ And with my help

♪ It can go on and on

He's scary.

He's gonna throw sand in my eyes.

Mommy, it's scary.

Really?

Scary Sandman, Mommy.

So then what happened?

By the end of the song, they were all crying.

No. Screaming and wailing.

Even Mabel?

Especially Mabel. That's when she started throwing up the baby food.

Sweetie, no offense, but...

Video or no video,

that baby food of yours was not gonna stay down.

Did you see the color?

Yeah, that was the color of peas.

It was the color of fear.

It was peas, but...

We'll just see what the doctor says.

And you know what? I'll tell you something else.

I find it hard to believe

that Sandman would cause that much of a ruckus.

It's him! It's the Sandman!

Mommy, the Sandman's after me.

The Sandman's after us!

Mommy, make the Sandman go away.

Why don't I... I'll wait downstairs.

There's got to be some detail,

some subliminal element

That is just setting these kids off.

They say Boris Karloff used to get this

kind of reaction when he went out in public.

Thank you.

I'm just saying he was a decent man and people knew that

in the end.

Good, so just, after 35 years of getting pelted with rocks,

I should be okay, huh?

Jamie, hi. Hi.

Hi.

Is that him? Is that him?

Honey, calm down, calm down.

The Sandman is not gonna talk.

Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry.

I just... Ow!

Sarah, I just want to say

I hope this doesn't sour you

on the mommy and me group.

It really is a worthwhile thing.

Yeah, no, no, I'm sticking with the mommy and me thing. Oh, good.

But I think it might be better if you skipped a meeting or two.

I mean, just until everybody calms down a little bit.

You know?

And the mommies, they all agree with me.

You talked to the mommies about me?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh, okay.

Okay, Claire, turn around.

Step, step, step, out we go.

So sorry.

Bye!

Sorry!

Was I just thrown out of a play group?

Sweetie, see, without the sound, just the picture,

It's very cute.

What are you saying, that my song is the problem?

Honey, I'm just a man on the run looking for answers.

Hey. Uh-oh.

The sales figures from our first weekend.

And? Two!

200?

No, two. Two tapes.

One 'cause they were out of blanks,

And the other 'cause it was free when you bought a blank.

Boy, that's just really inspiring. James...

A housecoat and an iron. I begged you.

All right, all right, both of you. All right.

Okay, Paulie, we now enter

what I find to be the most rewarding phase of any business venture,

recriminations.

Well, I blame you.

Yeah, and I blame you.

Well, there you go.

Paulie, let me ask you a question.

Why did you have to act that way?

You know what? You get what you pay for,

That's what I always say.

Yeah, well... Ooh.

Have a little sympathy for me

'cause you know I lost my shirt.

What?

What does that taste like?

Cocoa Puffs.

Okay.

I hope you're happy.

What's the matter? We got a package from your brother.

From who?

Eddie Woo! Oh, it's my brother.

He's very upset.

Listen to this.

"Kill Sandman, Mommy Buchman.

Kill Sandman. Sandman must die."

Well, you know what? Send him 20 bucks a month.

Let him get some therapy, too.

Don't make fun of him.

He hasn't had the advantages that you've had.

I understand, Ma, I really do.

Yeah, you... Airplane!

Airplane!

Big airplane.

Oh, right. Good, good, Pa.

You are scaring everyone in the Pacific Rim.

This is the first time I've ever been ashamed of you.

Ma.

Can't you just once

put your brother ahead of yourself?

Ma, if I could get rid of the Sandman tomorrow, believe me, I would.

Why don't you?

What do you want me to do?

Well, for god sakes, do something.

Hey, kids, guess what?

Great news. The Sandman is gone.

There is no more Sandman.

See? The Sandman is going away.

That's right. See? Good-bye.

Goodbye, Sandman.

Sandman is gone. See?

Sandman shoes. Sandman all gone.

Jump, jump, he's gone. Okay?

The Sandman is nuts.

The Sandman was just silly.

The Sandman was a silly man.

Oh, silly man.

He's so silly, silly man.

Look how silly he is.

You know what, this is not any better.

You should be happy and relieved.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

You should. It's a big improvement.

Look, Mommy, it's silly man.

You're right, honey. It is silly man.

Look, silly man!

Oh, isn't that just like you saw on TV?

Well, good talking to you. - See you later.

Nice to see you. Bye-bye.

I think I liked it better the other way.

At least kids respected me a little bit.

Silly man!

Silly man, do the stomping thing, silly man.

Um, silly man doesn't really want

to do the stomping thing, okay?

Oh, please?

Oh, that's nice, silly man. Thanks a lot.

Okay, this is it.

Okay.

Well?

We have any cookies in the house?

Okay, this is it.

Okay.

Well?

We have any cookies in the house?