Original subtitles

Okay. We have 11 hors d'oeuvre trays

and no room in the refrigerator.

You know what we gotta do?

We just gotta pick a weekend,

unplug the phone, and eat jam.

Honey, every year, and this is no reflection on you,

your birthday party stinks.

But it's no reflection on me.

This year we've taken steps.

We got happy birthday decorations,

we've got very cute festive happy birthday earrings,

and we've got really good hors d'oeuvres!

We're gonna have a great time.

Yeah, and if they don't, just bark at 'em like that, 'cause that helps.

That's the cake. Oh, yeah, the cake.

We may have to borrow a refrigerator.

I'm not gonna borrow a refrigerator.

I'm sure we'll figure out some way to make room. Yeah.

Comin' through!

Ohh...

Okay. That's a big cake.

From what I hear, Paul, your birthday parties

need all the help they can get.

That's very nice, Marvin.

Do me a favor. Go in the hall,

see if maybe you dropped your tact.

Paulie, your birthday party is not a reflection on you.

Marvin! Don't antagonize the dog.

He started it.

Hey, James, is it all right

if I bring Catherine here tonight?

Marvin!

What?

Who's Catherine, now?

She's new. That's the rich one?

Yeah, you gotta take her to, like,

$100 restaurants every time,

or she can't digest.

Murray! Bad dog!

Bad guest!

Are you all right?

Pain! Deep pain! Pain in the hand! All right, all right.

Let me just look at it.

Marvin, it's nothing. He barely broke the skin.

Oh, my God!

Has that dog had its shots?

It's Murray. Yeah, he's had his shots.

How about you? Have you had your shots?

All right, all right. Settle down.

Marvin, come on. We'll take a look at that hand.

Ooh! Aah! Aah!

Hal and Maggie's.

"Hal and Maggie's" what?

We'll use their refrigerator.

Hal and Maggie? Really?

Why not?

Well, A, they hate us,

and two, they really don't like us.

Just follow my lead.

Yes? Hi!

Hi!

Can I help you?

Uh, well, we hadn't heard back from you

about Paul's birthday party tonight,

so we were just wondering if you were coming.

Yeah, just checkin' up to see, uh, see if you're coming.

You're inviting Hal and me to your birthday party?

Did you not get the invitation?

No.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

Those...

Those, those bastard postmen. That's what it is.

Hal!

The allied forces at Bastogne are surrounded.

Hal, darling, we have company.

Oh. Hello.

Did we receive an invitation to Paul's birthday party tonight?

You're joking, of course.

No, no, no. We sent it.

Yeah, I can prove it. I have the, I saved the, uh,

I still have the, uh...

We sent it. We did.

Well, if you're not busy, we'd love you to come.

Oh, well, actually, we are...

We'd be delighted!

That's great! We'll see you tonight.

This is a beautiful place, by the way.

God, look at these. Are these linen napkins? Gorgeous napkins.

Yes. I only keep linen ones.

Honey, look at that. Look at that.

Yes, it's a Cezanne lithograph.

I got it in the divorce settlement with my second husband Hal.

Isn't it grand?

It really is.

It really is. Well, we'd better go.

We got hors d'oeuvres all over the house. Yeah.

In fact, do you...

Do, do you have any extra room in your fridge?

In our fridge? Oh, no...

Of course, we do.

You're a lifesaver. Mmm-uah!

So glad you're coming.

Mmm-uah! Very, very glad.

Ta!

Not that I'm not in true awe of your skill,

but don't you feel a little dirty now?

We do what we have to do. All right.

So, Catherine...

So, Ira...

Are your cousin's birthday parties always this

punishing?

Sadly, yes.

Why do you think that is?

Secretly, I think it's a reflection on him.

Are you having fun?

Oh, yes! Oh, boy.

Good.

What do you say we kick this party in the butt a little bit?

Yeah? What you got in mind? Come here.

Next door, in Hal and Maggie's refrigerator,

we have barbecued buffalo wings.

Well, hold on to your hats.

Just go.

Hello, Paul.

Hey, Marv...

Marvin, what are you doing? Murray barely nipped you.

You look like Stubby, the Gauze King.

I am in tremendous pain,

to say nothing of my mental anguish.

Oh, really? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna sue me now?

Yup, for 1.1 million. You get served the papers on Monday.

Are those double-stuffed mushroom caps?

Get out of there.

Okay. Let the merriment begin.

Buffalo wings, anyone?

No.

Alrighty, then. I tried.

Who doesn't like little buffalo wings?

I know. James, you got, like, a...

Yeah, there you go.

Thank you. Oh, by the way,

did you see that Cezanne they got over there?

Yeah, it's nice.

What time is it? 7:30.

Oh, Sweet Lord Almighty.

Hey, guys. BOTH: Hi!

What's new with you?

Oh, nothin' much. We re-wallpapered.

Really?

Spent way too much.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

What do you say we get this party goin'?

Oh, please! Come with me.

Next door, in Hal and Maggie's refrigerator,

you will find authentic

mini-Philadelphia cheese steak sandwiches!

Look out! Wow.

You have insurance, don't you, Paul?

Marvin, I have insurance, but that's not the point.

What you're doing, that's wrong.

It's litigious,

and it's, it's icky, frankly.

It makes me think that you're a bad person,

and maybe somebody that I shouldn't have invited to my birthday party.

I love little hot dogs. Get outta there.

Okay, everybody,

authentic Philadelphia mini cheese steak sandwiches.

No.

No, not today. No, thanks.

Hey, did you see that Cezanne?

Yeah, I know. It's very nice.

Do you think Paul's cruddy birthday parties are a reflection on him?

No! It's her!

At bottom, she's not a giver.

Hey, guys. Are you having fun?

Oh, yeah! Oh, ho, ho!

Good.

So, what's new in the world of Burt and Sylvia?

Well, Burt pledged a fortune

to the Red Cross walkathon.

Really?

He didn't realize that you pledge per mile.

It's so complicated.

In my day, you wrote a check.

What are you talking? This is your day.

Anyway, we got this terrific little Red Cross penknife.

Huh.

Hey, what would you guys say

if I told you, next door at Hal and Maggie's,

this is my ace in the hole,

we have fish pockets?

I would say, "wow."

Okay. Come on!

Marvin, according to my insurance,

I am not covered for earthquakes, floods,

or "the misdeeds of God's creatures,"

of which Murray is apparently one.

I'm really sorry, Paul.

If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.

Well, uh, and this is just a thought,

you could drop the lawsuit.

That I cannot do.

Marvin. I love Cajun popcorn.

Well, you're not gettin' any.

Hey, everybody, fish pockets!

No.

No, thanks.

Did you get a load of that Cezanne?

I saw it. I saw it.

Lovely party, isn't it?

Grand.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Buchman, do you have a bathroom?

No, I'm afraid not.

Yes, we do. Right through there.

Hey, Murray, come here. Come here.

Kill! Kill! Kill the guest.

What are you doing? That dog's crazy.

No, no, no! Put him in the kitchen.

All right, Murray, get in the kitchen.

Not him. You. Marvin, get in the kitchen.

Come on. Come with me.

We're leaving our own party?

We're gonna get the birthday cake.

Ooh. Birthday cake.

Did I miss anything?

Oh, don't be silly.

Okay, who wants to go home?

What do we do?

We could just make a run for it.

No, no. I got it. This what we do.

We turn all the clocks and our watches ahead two hours.

That way, Paul and James come back,

somebody says, "Oh, my gosh, what happened to the time?" And we blow.

Oh, Ira, you're a big genius.

Hey, hey, Marvin! Change the clock on the microwave.

I heard the whole thing!

Next year, we're just gonna send them a card.

For us, it's just an honor to be here.

All right, everybody.

Here we go.

Everybody set? Yeah.

Here we go. Cake time!

Yay!

Oh, wow! Look at that!

Oh, don't you traditionally have candles on your cake?

Well, you know, after a certain age,

really, you're just startin' a fire.

Oh, let us lend you some candles.

It'll be much more fulfilling.

Great! Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, boy. Gettin' late, huh?

Oh, yeah.

What do you mean? Is that clock right?

Yeah. Jeez, I think we gotta hit the road, huh?

No, no, no, no.

Just a minute! No one's going anywhere.

Our Cezanne has been stolen.

It's been cut right out of the frame,

and we found this on the floor beneath it.

A happy birthday earring.

Oh, my God.

J'accuse!

Ha ha. Very funny. We stole the Cezanne.

Wait a minute. You two were alone when you went to get the cake,

and that earring, it does speak volumes.

Plus, right now, you need the money!

You know, this is interesting, Ira.

It's very interesting that you would accuse us of stealing.

That's interesting. It's interesting, isn't it?

Oh, it is. That is interesting. It's interesting.

Why is that interesting?

How do we know you didn't steal the Cezanne?

What, me? That's right. Yeah.

You, too. You were in there by yourself.

And you, too, need money.

You said yourself, Catherine is costing you a fortune.

Honey. Hey!

I'm just saying, don't you go pointing a finger.

Plus, you commented on the Cezanne

when you came back from the apartment.

James, I did not steal the painting, all right?

Huh.

Huh.

I'm sure you didn't.

I'm sure you didn't, Ira, but, you know, just...

Just indulge me. Refresh my memory a little bit.

Specifically, which hors d'oeuvre was it

that you were sent in there to fetch?

"To fetch." I was sent in to fetch the buffalo wings.

Buffalo wings.

Interesting. Hal, if I might,

Let me see that frame.

All right. Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Hal, would you say that that's some type of sauce?

It may be a sauce.

Ira, when you came back from the apartment,

you wiped your hand with a paper towel, did you not?

Yeah. Was it...

This paper towel?

I-I don't know.

Freeze, Ira. You stay right there.

Don't you move.

Maggie, will you please taste the sauce?

I most certainly will not!

All right, will you smell the sauce?

Does that sauce match the sauce

on the lithograph frame?

Yes.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you what happened. I went in to get the wings.

And on the way out, I spilled a little wing sauce.

So I cleaned it up, but after I was done,

I had noticed that the Cezanne was a little tilted,

And, you know, being an art lover,

I-I straightened it up.

I guess I had some sauce on my fingers,

and that's how it got on the frame.

So forgive me if, in my thoughtfulness,

I besmirched anything in any way.

Well, that's a very lovely story, indeed.

But one little detail puzzles me.

Tell us, Ira,

exactly with what did you mitigate the stain?

What? What did you use to clean up the sauce?

Oh, uh, a napkin.

Mmm-hmm, what, what type of napkin?

An absorbent napkin.

I'm saying, was it linen or paper?

It was paper. What, you think I'm gonna clean up a spill

with nice linen napkins?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Maggie... My darling...

Excuse me.

Tell us...

Do you have any paper napkins in your home?

Of course not.

They're for rabble.

So... Excuse me.

So, no paper napkins in their home.

Would you like to tell the truth?

All right, all right, all right.

The truth is, the spill was a little worse than I said.

No matter what I did, I couldn't get it out.

So I moved the table over it.

And I had noticed that the painting was tilted,

so I straightened it, you know,

to try to make up for everything.

The part about me not realizing that I had sauce on my fingers?

That was absolutely true.

Hal, Maggie, I would consider it an honor

if you would let me buy you a new rug.

And new napkins, even though, right now, I am

a little short on cash.

But please believe me, I did not steal the Cezanne.

Do you believe him?

I suppose so.

So, Paul and Jamie did steal the painting.

Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan.

Isn't it ironic that you would accuse us of stealing?

It is so ironic.

You and Debbie were also alone in the apartment.

Yessss.

And you, also, professed an admiration for the painting.

They did? I'm saying.

And the two of you are also very short on cash,

because you ran amok re-wallpapering your apartment.

Ah, plus, and this is interesting,

The minute you came back here,

you couldn't wait to leave.

Like you wanted to just get out of town with your loot.

Oh! Just hold it right there.

We went in, we got the sandwiches.

We put them on the dining room table

while we went to look at the Cezanne.

Then we picked them up and left.

Well... That's a delicate web woven, Debowwah.

But one, one little detail puzzles me.

You say you put the little mini steak sandwiches

on the dining room table.

Yeah.

Yeah, that, that, that's troubling me.

That, that, that's...

Hal...

Excuse me.

At this moment, would you say there's any room

on your dining room table?

No. No.

No. And why is that?

What is it that is taking up

pretty much every square inch of your dining table?

The Battle of the Bulge.

The Battle of the Bulge. Hmm...

So... What is wrong with you? Move! Sorry.

So... There was no surface to put any mini steak sandwiches on.

Would you care to revise your story, ladies?

The living room looked odd.

There was this table in the middle of everything.

So when Debbie went and got the sandwiches,

I spruced up a little.

I know, it's none of my business,

but we're on this damn decorating kick,

and, well, I just couldn't help myself.

It was rude and presumptuous...

But we did not steal that Cezanne.

I suppose I believe them.

Mmm. I suppose so.

Which means that the real thief is...

We didn't teach you to steal, Paulie.

Tell us, son, is it our fault?

Or maybe there was perhaps another bad influence

somewhere else in your life.

Who's saying where?

Sylvia, I can't help but raise an eyebrow

at the notion that you would accuse us of stealing.

Can't help but.

You and Burt were also alone in the apartment.

Yesss. And you two also need cash,

Thanks to your goofball philanthropy.

Which you'll tell me later. Yeah, I'll tell you later.

Oh, and that handy little pocket knife the Red Cross gave you,

a perfect tool for the job.

We went over there,

we got the fish pockets, And we came back.

Really?

Really?

A tidy tale, Sylvia, but it seems to me...

Could you move over a little bit, I...

Sure.

It seems to me you were over there for at least three or four minutes.

Yes. What took so long?

A little crime sidetrack you?

All right, all right.

I looked at that living room, and I thought,

"Who could live that way?"

And I had some time, because the truth is

neither one of us knew what fish pockets were.

But, eventually, I figured it out.

Yes, we rearranged your living room.

But we did not steal a Cezanne.

I suppose I believe them, too.

Well, yes, all right, but...

What kind of people are you?

All of which leaves Paul and Jamie.

Yes.

Why don't you tell us what happened

when you went to get the cake?

Sure.

We went in, got the cake,

and on the way out, I ran my fingers through my hair,

and the earring came off.

Do you believe them? No.

Honey...

Oh, Paul, I...

I think it's just best.

Let's just be honest.

Okay.

First of all, the good news,

we thought the living room looked great.

But when we got to the apartment, we felt bad.

I couldn't understand why the party was going so poorly.

Had I placed too much emphasis on food,

or is it just that, at bottom, I'm not a giver?

And I was thinking, no matter what your friends tell you,

on some level, if your birthday stinks,

they think it's a reflection on you.

And then I felt a chill from the open window,

so I got closer to Paul, and then,

I don't know, maybe because it was illicit,

maybe just as a last attempt to salvage the night,

we started to fool around.

Somewhere along the line, an earring must have come off.

We made love, is what we did.

We made love, and it was great.

Ohh!

Hal, Maggie, we're very sorry.

We may have made love on your couch...

Probably don't say that.

But we did not steal

your Cezanne. Did not steal. No, we didn't.

Do you believe them?

No.

Paul...

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

I think we should be honest.

Okay.

Well, we were gonna make love,

but then it struck me, you know, it's my birthday,

and all anybody's thinking about is some stupid Chagall painting.

And then Jamie said, "No, it's a Cezanne,"

And I said, "No, I'm pretty sure it's a Chagall

"Because, Chagall, there's always cows with the fiddles and everything."

Jamie said, "No, it's not a cow, it's a horse,"

And I said, "Why do you always have to make me wrong?"

And then she said, "Somebody might come in,"

and then at this point, I'm not exactly so excited anymore,

and somewhere in the middle of that, she lost an earring.

That's what happened. Is everybody happy now?

That's exactly... That's the absolute truth.

We wanted to fool around, but we were woefully unable to.

Now, if nobody minds, I'm just going to go in there

and die of shame.

Well, that's just grand.

You don't believe them? No.

If you could attempt copulation on our couch,

you could also steal a lithograph.

What kind of logic is that?

We, we did not steal the lithograph.

It's okay, honey.

Hal knows that. What?

Hal, you know exactly who stole the Cezanne,

don't you? You've known all along.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, really?

Excuse me.

You... Okay, Mom,

let me ask you.

When you went in there to move around the furniture,

was the living room window open or closed?

Closed. Okay.

I mean, what do you leave a window open when you...

I understand. We got it. Thank you.

Okay, it was closed,

which means somebody opened that window after Mom and Dad,

but before Jamie and me.

And why?

Why? Why would someone open that window on such a cold night?

To steal that Cezanne.

Isn't that right, Hal? Certainly not.

But when they climbed in, they found a table there.

A table they weren't expecting.

A table over which they tumbled,

landing, unless I miss my guess,

right about the spot where Ira spilled the buffalo wing sauce.

Which is why I believe

your thief, ladies and gentlemen,

is the person with the buffalo wing sauce stain

on the seat of their pants.

If everybody would just turn around, please.

Okay?

J'accuseyou.

I am shocked!

You pretended to go to the bathroom,

but instead, you held it in.

You didn't go to the bathroom at all.

You climbed out our fire escape

onto your fire escape, climbed into your apartment window,

fell right in the wing sauce.

Big surprise, cursed a little bit, I'm gonna guess.

Then you hastened over to the Cezanne,

cut it right out of its frame,

rolled it up nicely,

re-hastened to the window,

and tossed Mr. Cezanne into the night.

Admit it. You stole your own Cezanne, didn't you?

Oh, that's ridiculous!

Why would my husband... Because you...

All right, all right.

I hated that damn Cezanne.

It was as if your second husband Hal was hanging on that wall.

A smug little cow looking down at me every time I passed him,

As if to say, "You're not the only Hal to pass this way, Hal."

I told you it was a cow.

Oh, let it go.

Sorry.

I wanted it out. Out of the house.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm, I'm a child in many ways.

A man-boy, a boy-man.

I'm sorry. I'm...

I'm truly sorry.

Oh, Hal.

All right, all right, Hal.

Okay, Hal. All right, Hally?

Hal, buddy? That's all right, Hal.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the mystery is solved.

Paulie, I gotta say, this is, like,

the best birthday party you ever had.

Absolutely right.

You know, you gotta admit, on some level,

it's a reflection on me.

Yes, it is.