Original subtitles

That cheeseburger?

No.

Ravioli?

No.

Uh-uh.

I'm gonna go with spinach quiche.

Not even close.

Baba ganoush. Ooh!

♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can stop my heart as much as you

♪ 'Cause I don't have the answers

♪ I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you, so, baby

♪ Help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here?

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier ♪

I love this collar. It's so soft and nice.

I can't believe

You spent that kind of money on a coat.

Here, put the baby right there.

Sweetie, it's a coat.

I'm out a-drinkin' and a-gamblin'.

You know, it's an outer garment

I'm using to protect myself from the elements.

Well, I think it's indulgent.

Do you know how much money

it's gonna cost to get a college education

by the time Mabel's 18?

Yeah, and by the way, I bought some water

to sustain my body weight.

I hope that was all right.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're not exactly careful with money.

I got 50 bucks that says that's crazy.

Look what we found, $100.

Oh, my god!

Where'd you find $100?

Right here in the restaurant,

right on the way in.

Did you ask if it belonged to anybody?

Sure, but, they all said no.

A very high quality of personage you get in here.

Yeah. How'd you pick this place?

We flipped a coin.

You're kidding?

No, just flipped a coin. We narrowed it down.

It was either this or a Mexican place on third avenue

That-that has burritos the size of your head.

Hi, I'm Steven. I'll be your server today.

What'll it be today?

Muffins or, breadsticks?

Ooh! A choice. Um,

Do you want-

Hey, you know what, here's how we settle it. Very simple,

watch what we do. Muffins or, breadstick, you're saying.

Watch this.

Muffins.

Muffins it is.

This is-ha, ha- this is so liberating.

It is. You just flip a coin, make a decision.

You can't live that way.

Let's go to Atlantic city. What?

Yeah, to gamble the $100.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't know.

Oh, come on, Burt, we're playing with house money.

House money? Where-where did you learn an expression like that?

We have riverboat night at the community center.

Let's flip the coin to decide if they should go.

Heads we go, tails we stay.

All right, here we go. And,

Atlantic city, you're going.

Whoo!

Hey, everybody.

I'd like you to meet my friend Molly and her son Logan.

What, you're dating a woman with a child?

You know, mom, they're actually at the table.

Ira and I are just old friends.

That's right. Hey, make yourself comfortable, kid.

Paulie, do me a favor. Ask Logan a math question.

A math question?

Yeah, yeah, I'm serious. Go ahead. Anything.

All right, uh, what-what is, uh, 418 times 642?

268,356.

That's right.

Muffins.

Thank you very much.

Okay, all right,

What? just a second, everybody.

Look at my muffin.

What about it?

My muffin looks like Madonna.

It does not.

From Evita?

Oh, my god!

I don't see it.

From Evita.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is wild.

We flip a coin and pick a restaurant where you guys find $100,

we flip it again to pick muffins over breadsticks,

and you end up with a muffin that looks exactly like Madonna.

Oh, scary.

Paul?

Paul Buchman.

Yeah, yeah, Lou, how are you doing?

How are you?

It's been a while. How you been, sir?

Great, great. I'm working over

At the television news magazine show Hard Editionnow.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, Hard Edition.

Good, good, good.

Just started over at Hard Edition.

Trying to get my first segment produced over there at Hard Edition.

Good, good for you.

Okay.

So, uh, you know my wife Jamie.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I'm so sorry.

Lou Bonaparte, Hard Edition.

Yeah.

My folks.

Lou Bonaparte, Hard Edition.

You know, Paul, uh,

I couldn't help but, overhear you saying

you had miraculously received a muffin

That looks exactly like the Madonna?

No, not the Madonna, Madonna the singer.

Oh.

I don't see it.

From Evita.

I see it!

It's miraculous, Paul.

This-this could be a sign from the almighty.

Do you understand what we're saying?

It's Madonna the singer.

Exactly. Not Celine Dion or, Lou Rawls

Or, someone whose name has no religious underpinning whatsoever.

Madonna, Paul.

And you say you haven't had a segment produced yet, huh?

Lou, there's-

Paul, what are your plans for the muffin?

Um, um,

plans? I don't know that we have plans, Lou.

A little butter, have some coffee with the muffin. That's about it.

Oh, that muffin has Hard Edition written all over it,

and I'm telling you, we'll pay you for it.

We'll pay you handsomely for it,

for the exclusive rights to a story on the muffin.

Handsomely?

Embarrassingly handsomely.

Wow! Enough maybe to sock away for, oh, our daughter's education?

Look at that? What, I'm against education for my daughter?

No, I'm saying he's gonna pay us handsomely.

Yeah, 'cause they have no integrity.

So you're worried about the integrity of the muffin?

Do you want-

Here's how we settle it. Watch this.

Ready?

Can you tell us, was there any special way the coin was chosen?

No, Lou, there really was not.

Um, I needed a quarter

'cause I was doing laundry,

and we were trying to pick a restaurant,

so I just reached into the change bowl.

Fantastic. So,

so, in a way, this is the coin of destiny.

Lou, what would I have to say to you

to make this less of a big deal?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

I'm with you, I'm with you. For want of a load of laundry

the coin of destiny was born.

And from that coin of destiny, an epic muffin.

And from the epic muffin-

All right, both of you, just stop it.

Why can't you just believe?

Excuse me. Lou, you think you pretty much

have everything you need now?

Nope. Tip of the iceberg, my friend.

Okay.

Hey. Hi

Paulie, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.

Yes, and when you're talking to Paul,

you can talk to Hard Edition.

If you don't mind, just Paul.

All right, sir.

What's up?

Let me ask you something.

What did you think of Logan?

Nice kid, like him, nice.

Yeah, that's all?

Like a human abacus, but-

Just nice, nice kid. Why?

I- I think he might be my son.

I'm sorry. What, what, what?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, Molly, she's not sure who Logan's father is, see.

And he's 12 years old,

and it was about 12 years and 9 months ago that Molly and I were together.

In my life, I've never heard you mention Molly.

It was just a one-time thing.

It was during "hands across America."

You mean, during-during the actual demonstration?

Yeah.

Okay, see, here's the thing.

You were just supposed to be holding hands.

Come on, you're standing with a cute girl in a ditch holding hands.

Any moron could close that deal.

Hey, how come you just got one kind of mustard?

Because we're cavemen.

What-what-what-what are you gonna do about this now?

I'm gonna go down after this and get a blood test.

Wow! You know what?

I'll bet you it's nothing.

I'll bet you you'll be free and clear.

Yeah, but, Paulie, here's the thing.

I'm not sure I want it to be free and clear.

What are you talking about?

I mean I like this kid. I really do.

And it's strange. I feel like a connection with him. I cant explain it.

Ha ha. Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira.

What?

Let me explain something to you.

Fatherhood is a very complicated thing.

You don't just walk into a relationship.

There's a lot of- there's building-

Cut it out, will ya?

What do you think? I know that.

You think this is some- some goofball impulse?

I am profoundly moved by the notion that this could by my flesh and blood,

and I'm deeply, deeply drawn to him as a parent.

Okay, okay, I'm, I'm sorry.

Hey, Marvin.

I want to talk to the coin.

Oh, for god's sake, Marvin.

Ask the coin if I should call my ex-girlfriend one more time.

Marvin, it's-it's a coin.

No, it's not. It's the coin of destiny.

It's a quarter.

You used to be a lot wackier.

All right, Marv, okay, yes, it is the coin of destiny,

but, it's the coin of very small destiny.

You know, it's the coin of muffins versus breadsticks.

It is not the coin of life decisions.

Thanks, Paul.

Oh, honey.

All right, all right, Marvin, Marvin, all right.

How many times have you called her already?

Uh,

That one doesn't count,

18.

Yikes!

Okay, Marvin, the coin feels you should seek counseling.

Flip it, please?

All right, all right, all right.

Heads you don't call her,

and tails, give her a call.

Heads! So definitely the answer is

Don't call her.

Flip it again.

Heads.

Flip it again.

Heads.

Flip it again.

Marvin, don't do this to yourself. Just go ahead.

Heads.

Okay, all right, let's test the coin.

Let's see, ask it

If I'm a 5'1" Swedish woman.

Tails. Wow!

Stupid coin.

Hey, hey, hey, don't insult the coin.

Note to self. Coin may be bigger story than muffin.

Lou, I'll give you $100 to just get out of here.

Yeah. Just throw our money around.

Hello.

Paulie?

Hey, pop. Where are you?

Atlantic city.

Atlantic city? Winning or, losing?

Winning!

Oh, really? How much?

$9,500.

You guys won $9,500?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, we have to go.

All right. You know what?

Go and enjoy it.

Okay. Bye.

That is the coin of destiny.

Stop it.

You still don't believe it?

No, I don't believe it.

Fine. Do me a fav-

How ya doin'?

All right. Listen. Do me a favor.

Ask that coin a question for me, will you?

Okay. What?

Ask that coin

If my husband Paul ordered $30 worth of dinner last night

to be delivered here while I was sleeping,

even though there was plenty of food in the house.

Excuse us one second.

No, no, no, no, no.

I want you to hear this.

Go ahead, ask it.

I would never do that.

Ask the coin.

I don't have to ask the coin, 'Cause I know I would never do that.

Go ahead, ask it. I don't have to ask it...

And at the same time,

ask it if you left half an egg roll on the nightstand.

Huh.

I left an egg roll on the night-

You're just talking crazy.

Ask it, ask it. Just ask it.

Okay, fine.

Alright?

The coin is wrong.

Uh-huh. Ask it if you bought

the Fleetwood mac laser disc

even though you already own the CD boxed set.

I didn't-A,

and two-they're very different because-

Ask it, ask it, ask it.

Okay.

The coin's wrong again.

Ask it if you've been making calls to brokers

to get floor seats for the knick game.

What, are you tailing me?

Ask it.

All right. It's the coin of destiny.

Thank you.

Now do you believe? Yes, I believe.

Look at that.

It's unbelievable.

It looks like

it's gonna jump right up off the plate

and sing Don't cry for me, Argentina.

Hey, everybody.

Ah, the Oracle and Mrs. Oracle.

Ooh.

Lou, you're hovering again.

Not hovering. Investigating.

Okay, Paulie, the question is,

Should I buy 500 shares of Eastman Kodak?

Let's take a look, shall we?

Call your broker.

I love that coin.

Hello. House of Coin.

Hey. Fran, hi. How you doin'?

Oh, I understand. Yeah, okay. Hold on.

Okay. That's yes on proposition 108,

and apparently,

no on the bond issue.

Happy to help.

That's what we do here at house of coin.

I've never been an Oracle before,

but, I gotta say, I like it.

Okay.

All right.

How about this?

Ask your coin if calling my ex-girlfriend

is not something I should do.

Should I highlight my hair?

Boxers or, briefs?

No, no, no. You guys,

the coin is not a toy. In fact, give me that.

No, we are not gonna play with it

like a bunch of silly children.

I want you all to sit there

and think about how you're behaving.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I'm searching for the coin of destiny.

I see.

So, to me,

the coin means hope,

hope that Louanne really does love me

and maybe one day

there will be joy in my heart again.

Hey.

Hey. Are we glad to see you.

Ask the coin,

tonight, should we have Chinese or, Italian?

What are we really saying,

that we're actually incapable

of making a decision on our own?

Pretty much at this point, yeah.

So, what, flip the coin.

I don't know that we should be rely-

Flip the coin. Flip the coin.

Heads, Chinese. Tails, Italian.

Chinese.

There you go.

Another decision made nicely.

Hello.

Hey, pop.

Well, let me ask. Hang on a second.

Sweetie. It's my dad. Red or, black?

What?

They're at the roulette wheel. Atlantic city. Red or, black?

The roulette wheel?

Red or, black? Flip flip flip flip.

Red.

Red it is.

You got it.

I got another call. I'll see you.

Hello.

Hey, Mark. How you doin'?

Let me ask. Hold on a second.

Sweetie, it's mark. Corned beef or, brisket?

Corned beef.

CB. You need any help with the side dish?

No. He's okay with the side dish.

Yeah. Enjoy. Got another call.

Hello. Hi. Who's this?

Millie and Barney Kraft.

Oh, you met my folks in Atlantic city there.

Oh, isn't that nice?

What is it?

I'll be happy to help. Hold on one second.

Sweetie, station wagon or, a minivan?

Minivan, but I don't think-

It's the minivan.

Happy to help.

With that coin and one of those multi-line phones,

I could be the king of France.

Hey, look who's here. Come on in, come on in.

Hey, got any food?

It's okay. Kitchen's right through there.

I thought we'd come over,

spend a little time with Logan,

let him establish those all-important family bonds.

Ira, don't you think

You're getting a little ahead of yourself here?

I'm telling you. I am the kid's father.

If you don't believe me, forget this blood test.

Just ask the coin.

Oh, I don't think we wanna use-

Why don't you just ask the coin?

You want me to flip my own coin?

Flip your own coin.

That's not gonna work.

This is the only coin that does that.

This is the coin that does it.

I think DNA testing edges out the coin in this case.

Just flip it.

This is exciting.

Heads-I'm the father. Tails-I'm not.

And the answer is,

Heads.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm a dad.

This coin has never been tested at all to any degree.

Hey, Paulie. How come you got only one kind of mustard?

That's my boy!

I love that you and I have the coin of destiny.

Sweetie, this is not the coin of destiny.

Hey, are you losing faith in the coin?

I accidentally put the coin of destiny

Into the washing machine.

Well, that's not a good use of the coin,

now, is it?

Gee. Really?

Well, go get it back.

Yes, all right, I'll do that.

Good luck.

It's in here with 5,000 other quarters.

Oh.

When was this?

Before, when I went down to do the laundry.

So we've been dispensing advice

based on a false coin of destiny.

This is what I'm saying.

Well, that's just irresponsible.

You're the one begging me to flip it.

Well, I didn't think you'd be so flippant with it.

Idea for follow-up-

Paul and Jamie a year later.

Who is it?

It's us, Burt and Sylvia Buchman!

Your Irate parents.

What do you mean, Irate?

Give me that coin.

Why?

We want to stamp it and smoosh it

And hurt it and bend it-

I get the idea. What happened?

Black. Black happened.

21 roulette wheels in a row, all black.

Thank you, coin.

Wow. Well, the coin is speechless.

The coin doesn't know what to, what to say.

Hello. Hey, Mark.

What do you mean, food poisoning?

Oh, that sounds-you know what?

Just call us when you're done.

There's a man who wishes he had brisket.

Hey, Marvin. What... Hi.

Hey, everybody.

I'd like to introduce my fiancée Louanne.

Your fiancée?

I finally thought, screw the coin of destiny,

and I called her.

I just was so impressed by his persistence.

19 times is the charm, huh, guys?

I guess so, huh?

And Marvin's such an angel.

He's already paid off all my credit cards.

Is that right?

And he's gonna re-sod my lawn.

That's nice of you.

And he agreed to no sex.

Stand back, everybody. She's all mine.

Possible future segment-

Husbands without hope.

Hey.

Oh, what's the matter?

Blood work came back, and I am not the father.

Ooh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure. It's okay.

There's a "free Tibet" rally down at the UN. A little later.

I'm thinking of stopping by.

Listen, it's a little disappointment.

At least no real damage was done, you know?

Hi.

Here's your minivan.

Honey, you know the Krafts.

No one knows for sure

which quarter in the pillowcase

Is the coin of destiny.

Some day, oh, maybe some lucky fella,

or, gal.

Thanks a lot.

Will find the coin

and rediscover its amazing powers.

Maybe it'll be you.

Maybe it'll be your neighbor.

Maybe it'll be your uncle.

Maybe it'll be your neighbor's uncle.

Maybe it'll be your uncle's neighbor.

Maybe your uncle is your neighbor.

Lou, if we could just...

Or, maybe, just maybe, It'll be me...

Lou Bonaparte for Hard Edition.

No one knows for sure

which quarter in the pillowcase

is the coin of destiny.

Some day, oh, maybe some lucky fella,

or, gal.

Thanks a lot.

Will find the coin

and rediscover its amazing powers.

Maybe it'll be you.

Maybe it'll be your neighbor.

Maybe it'll be your uncle.

Maybe it'll be your neighbor's uncle.

Maybe it'll be your uncle's neighbor.

Maybe your uncle is your neighbor.

Lou, if we could just-

or, maybe, just maybe, It'll be me.

Lou Bonaparte for Hard Edition.