Original subtitles

You see, if the pony runs away and becomes a flower,

his mommy will become a bumblebee

so she can be with him.

Look what we got.

A box of goodies for Mabel

from cousin Connie and cousin Arthur.

Oh, that's nice.

See, and if the pony becomes an ocean,

then his mommy becomes a fish

so she can be with him.

Look. It's stuff their kids outgrew.

Look at the jumper. We need a jumper.

We gotta call them.

Well, get 'em on the phone.

See, and if the pony becomes an island,

his mommy becomes a palm tree

so she can be with him.

Ugh. Honey, look at this.

That's disgusting.

See, if the pony becomes a beach,

his mommy becomes a seashell

so she can be with him.

Look. At little bear.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh. We gotta get them on the phone and thank them.

It looks like a little pooh bear.

Get 'em on the phone.

Honey, all the pooh's coming out.

Well, that's disgusting.

Look. If the pony becomes a bird,

his mommy becomes a nest

so she can be with him.

Look. This is so cute. Look at this.

It's a little denim jacket.

I've been wanting to find a jacket like this for her.

I have to call them.

I'm saying, go get them on the phone.

And if the pony becomes the moon,

his mommy becomes the stars

so she can be with him.

So, basically, though the mommy loves this pony,

that pony, frankly, never gonna get a moment's peace.

Ugh.

Look at this.

What is that, jell-o?

God, I...

I just really hope so.

Oh, my god.

What... what are they, sending us garbage?

I'm gonna get them on the phone.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And we jump into the final frontier ♪

"Kind of potato," Five letters.

Did you just say Idaho?

Sweetie, have you seen my little home plate sweeper-offer thing?

Oh, my god.

Look how cute your daddy is.

Huh? Cute and

bearing an uncanny resemblance

to legendary film star Spanky.

I think it's so sweet you're umpiring your father's game

That's just what a bunch of 70 and 80-year-old men need

is a guy standing behind them, yelling suddenly.

Hey, Splinky.

Hey, Spanky.

Hey, James. I got your mail.

Thank you, uncle Ira.

You're welcome. So, Paulie, let me understand,

I am the designated runner for the softball game?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So, which ones do I run for?

For all of them.

For all of them?

They can't run, these guys.

Well, maybe if they can't run,

they shouldn't be playing softball.

Hey, who do you know in Pittsburgh?

In Pittsburgh? Uh, absolutely nobody.

You know what I'm talking about?

The little wiry, brushy, just sweep thing.

"Dear, Paul, I hope this card finds you well.

"I know you'll be pleased to hear

"That I'm just fine

"And living here happily with my family.

"I owe it all to you, Paul,

"And I will never forget.

"Yours eternally,

"Svetlana Poszinsky."

Who's that?

No idea.

No idea?

No idea. Little wiry, brushy, sweepy thing.

You know what I'm talking about.

Is there some psychotic Russian woman

sending you intimate postcards?

Svetlana.

So you know her?

Oh, boy. Not really.

What? Not... you know...

Oh, this is so long ago.

She was a minor,

may I say minor, figure in my life.

Like what, an old girlfriend?

Oh, less than that.

What, a one-night stand?

Less than that.

Anything less than that

is a stranger on the subway.

She and... all right...

You are gonna laugh.

I believe.

I think you're gonna laugh when I tell you this.

This is... 'cause this is...

Is such a source of comedy. Um...

We

Uh, Svetlana... Svetlana and I,

we were married.

I'm gonna go practice my running.

I'll see you over at the park.

You were married to this woman?

I wasn't married...

Except that...

Well, yes, I was married.

You were married.

For, like, 14 hours on paper, on paper.

You were married.

Sweetie, there was, there was no romance.

There was no... love.

There was nothing. This was on paper only.

She was, she was Russian.

When I was at NYU, I met Svetlana, like... thrice.

Thrice?

Thrice. Three Times. Thrice.

Uh-huh.

Sweetie, you know what it is?

She loved America. She wanted to stay, so, you know,

she asked me if I would marry her

in name, in name only.

So I wanted to be a nice guy.

I was 20. I was, like, 20.

Did I know that I was gonna be having this conversation with you?

I didn't know you. No.

So we went down to city hall, we got married,

and I've, I've never seen her.

I've literally never seen her again in my life ever since.

You were married. Yeah, okay, sweetie,

Do you understand what I...

It... it was nothing. It was a pretend thing.

This is not even a marriage.

It's like we went to Halloween,

And we were dressed up as a married couple.

It... it was nothing.

This is a microscopic... this is...

You know what this is? It's like soupy sales meant more to me.

Was she attractive?

No. Yeah.

She wasn't unattractive. She was, you know.

She had, like, a Russian exotic quality.

Exotic? Interesting.

Sweetie, everybody's attractive in some way.

You know, all of God's creatures.

I suppose if you look... what's the matter?

I'm your second wife.

Stop it.

I'm the second Mrs. Paul Buchman.

This is... this is... it's ridiculous.

So when you said "I do," did you kiss her?

I, you know, yeah. You know

like the pope would kiss the top of a sick child's head.

I see.

This... it's nothing.

Trust me, this means nothing.

Don't make anything of this.

Make nothing of this, please.

Okay?

I am standing here in umpire's clothing,

begging you to make nothing of it.

There's nothing to be made.

Look, this is such a small...

Nothing. This is such a...

Big pile of nothing to worry about.

A small pile. It's a small pile of nothing.

It's not even a pile.

There's no pile with which worry could be...

You shouldn't even worry.

There's nothing. There's nothing here, okay?

Okay. So we're fine.

You see, you see that this is...

You see what it is, right? It's...

You see what this is?

You were married.

Okay.

Batter up!

Your attention, please.

Now making his way to the plate,

loving husband to Estelle,

loving father to Randy and Richard,

loving grandfather

to Howard and Todd,

number 12,

Al Birnbaum,

Number 12.

Come on, Al!

Go get 'em, Al!

Show 'em where you live, Al!

That's the spirit, Al!

That's a lovely camera, Sylvia.

Oh, thank you. You know, it does everything.

It focuses, it fades in, it fades out.

It goes in slow motion,

And you never have to change the batteries.

I said I liked it. What do you want from me?

And once again,

batter up.

Get a hit, Al!

Give it a ride, Al!

Go, Al! Go, Al!

That's the spirit!

And once again, let us say, batter up.

All right, already, with the "batter up."

I'm just... just trying to move things along here.

Fine. All right.

Ball's in.

Bring it on, sucker.

Put it in.

He ain't no batter.

First pitch, first man, first strike, Eddie boy!

Mr. Edlin...

If you would.

Hey.

So now I'm running?

Now. Anytime seems appropriate. Run, yes.

Safe! He's safe.

What?

Safe. His foot hit the bag right before the ball came.

Come on, Paul!

Pop, I don't know what to tell you.

He's safe. He was in there.

What's the matter with you?

Hammy. Severe tearing in the hammy and groinial area.

You're the youngest guy here.

I know. The irony.

Paul, he was out.

Look, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Out!

As a matter of fact, he was safe.

Are you seriously gonna stand here

and tell me that he was safe?

This is what I'm saying.

Then you oughta get your eyes checked, Blue!

Don't, don't push it, number 10.

He was out! Admit it, he was out!

Don't kick dirt, Pop.

All right. I won't kick dirt.

What are you doing? What are you...

You happy?

Do you believe this, everybody?

He was out, Blue.

Mrs. Michalak, I beg to differ. He was safe.

You're blind and a liar.

Pop, don't push it.

You're a blind liar!

I'm warning you, cut it out right now.

I'm giving you one last warning. Cut it out.

That's it. All right.

You're out of here! You're throwing me out?

Get out of the game!

Your own father?

Yes. I'm sorry, but let's go! Hit the showers!

It'll be my pleasure!

Let's go!

Batter up.

Hi. Hi.

You okay?

Yep. Never better. How are you?

I, uh

cannot wait for football season.

Uh-huh.

All right, just tell me,

how long are you gonna be upset about this Svetlana thing?

I don't know.

Well, just so I can pace myself.

Give me a rough idea.

Like, a half an hour? 80 years? What?

I don't know. Forever?

You're gonna be upset about this forever?

That's the plan.

Would you just tell me what I can do to make this better

There's nothing you can do.

There's nothing... nothing I can do at all?

There's nothing you can do.

Okay. Well, good. All right, good.

So, then let's eat.

I'm sorry. I just can't imagine a time

I'm not gonna be upset about this.

Sweetie,

all right, let me say this to you...

I was wrong not to tell you, okay?

I mean, even though it meant nothing to me

and I didn't even remember it myself,

I should have racked my brains and combed my past,

come up with this, and I should have realized

how it would have made you feel,

and I should have... I should have told you a long time ago,

And for that, I am deeply, deeply, genuinely sorry.

Okay.

Really? Uh-huh.

Okay...

'Cause I can't wait to talk about me again. Listen to this.

My father... However, however...

What's the matter?

There is one little thing

that I need to tell you, too, Paul.

There is?

Yeah. There's a little...

Thing out of my past,

a little unthinking kind of...

"Oh, my god, I forgot" thing that I have, too.

Okay.

I hate to tell you,

'Cause, boy, I don't want you

to go through the kind of hell I've been in lately.

No, no, no. That's okay. Go ahead.

Paul...

Honey...

Yes?

I, uh...

I actually once

accidentally

Had sex for money.

I'm sorry?

I had sex for money

accidentally

once, many years ago.

Okay, that's what I don't understand, accidentally. So how...

Yeah, I was right out of college,

I was broke, I met this guy at a party,

and we went back to my place,

and the next morning,

he was gone, and he left me...

$100, and I kept it.

That true? Yeah.

Okay, well, that's... you know...

It's not like there was a prearranged thing

where there was a price and both parties knew it.

No, no, but I can understand

why he would think I was, you know,

a working girl. I was...

I was pretty trashy that night. Oh, boy.

Wow.

All right. Well, good.

Well, then there you go.

I'm glad you shared that.

Just gives you a $100 bill,

and just puts it on the dresser there?

Yep.

Wow. Ha.

Just like a crisp $100 bill?

Yeah. I don't know if it was exactly a $100 bill.

50s? Whatever. 20s, 10s.

20s? I think maybe some 5s.

5s? Maybe a couple of singles.

Really? I think some change.

Change? Uh-huh.

And a bus pass.

All of this he leaves on the dresser?

Yep. Well

no.

Where's he put it?

On the floor.

Guy leaves $100 in small bills, some change and a bus pass on the floor?

Yeah.

As payment for sex?

Yeah.

Just right there on the floor, you're saying?

Not right directly on the floor.

I think the change and the bus pass

were just thrown on the floor,

but the bills were... not.

Where are the bills?

In his wallet.

So you sleep with this guy...

W-w-w-we didn't, you know,

Sleep together sleep together. You didn't sleep together?

But we were going to.

Oh, my god. We were going to, but...

But what? But we didn't.

Now, so you didn't. I barely knew the guy.

Okay.

Guy comes to your house...

You know what? Forget it.

I'm just trying to understand.

Yes?

Hi. I'm looking for Svetlana Poszinsky, please?

Yes.

Also the former Svetlana Buchman.

Yes.

Does Svetlana Poszinsky, the former Svetlana Buchman, live here?

You bet.

May I speak with her, please?

By all means.

Is she home now? Uh-huh.

May I speak with her, please?

Please.

Ok, um...

Boy, I don't mean to be rude.

I'm just gonna ask this one more time.

May I please speak with Svetlana Poszinsky?

Absolutely, you may.

Is she home now?

Yes, she is.

Great. May I speak with her?

Sure.

Ok. Um...

You know what? Let's try this.

What is your name, please?

Svetlana Poszinsky.

Are you sure?

Yes. Your name is Svetlana Poszinsky?

Yes. Are you sure?

Yes. Formerly Svetlana Buchman?

This is what I'm saying.

Oh, my god.

Here we go. It's the actual civil war Yankees

against the...

"Hey, your fly is open,

you can't go out like that" mets.

Uhh!

How you doing?

I'm okay. I took more Advil than a lab rat.

All right.

So, good. Batter up.

Leading off for the Yankees,

loving husband to Sylvia,

loving father to Debbie, Sharon, and Paul...

Well, to Debbie and Sharon.

Proud grandfather to Jed, Noah,

and the delicious new Mabel,

the first baseman, number 10,

Burt Buchman.

Number 10.

Whoo! Go!

Burt, I can read your watch from here.

Okay. Come on, now.

Just you and me, baby.

Come on, Al.

We're just playing catch, Al.

Okay, Al.

Al.

Al.

Huh?

Throw the ball.

All right. Who's arguing?

Strike!

Naturally.

Shame on you, Blue, for making a call

against your father!

They get a nice crowd here, don't they?

Okay.

You're gonna zing it right in to me, Al. Okay, Al?

Here we go, Al.

Al.

Al!

Stop hollering. What's wrong with you?

Good ball.

Are you sure?

All right.

Paulie, maybe you should

and this is only a suggestion,

but maybe you should be big about this

and just say that you made the wrong call the other day.

No. The man was safe, I called him safe,

And the decision stands.

If we start changing the call after the fact,

I'm really worried that the game is gonna lose its integrity.

Gin!

I think the integrity ship kind of already sailed.

Oh, look at them. Mal, do me a favor.

Would you please see if we can get the furniture off the infield?

Ohh.

Pop,

let me say this:

I just wish there was some way we could clear this up.

Well, me, too.

I'm zooming.

Watch me zoom.

Maybe there is a way to clear this up.

What do you mean?

Aunt Syl, can I see that camera for one second?

Oh, yeah.

Little instant replay.

All right.

That's so smart.

He's a very, very smart man.

All right, gentlemen. Here we go.

Al "the butcher" Birnbaum hits the ball.

There's Ira running, running.

Mr. Edlin throws, which, all due respect,

would be in slow motion even at normal speed.

And he's safe!

Ha!

Safe? Yes.

You were right. He was safe.

Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, Paul.

That's okay.

No, no, no. I mean, I'm really sorry.

Paul...

Son,

my son,

I'm sorry. Man to man...

I apologize to you.

Well... accepted.

No, no, no. This is big.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm filled with remorse.

That's all right. Pop, it's in the past.

It happened. It's over. It's gone. Don't worry about it.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

Boy, that was a nice moment.

Nice little moment.

Don't worry. I've got the whole thing on tape.

Hi.

Hi. Paul, I believe you know Svetlana Poszinsky.

Hello, Svetlana.

Hi, Paul.

Svetlana, I'm sure you remember

your ex-mother and father-in-law,

Sylvia and Burt Buchman.

Sylvia, Burt, of course you know Paul's first wife Svetlana.

What are you talking about?

Okay, did I mention this to nobody at the time?

You made her sound like a James Bond girl.

In the earlier films when he was a struggling spy.

Come on. Play ball.

We're burning daylight here.

Mal Noonan, do you know Paul's first wife Svetlana?

Hello.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Paul, may I?

Please.

Has everybody had a chance

to meet Paul's first wife Svetlana?

Well, that's something I never would have expected.

Svetlana comes down after all these years, meets another guy.

Yeah. How you doing with that?

You hanging in there?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

It was a paper marriage.

I believe you said she was exotic.

I was 20, she had an accent. What do you want?

Why didn't you tell me she was 73 years old?

If I knew that her age made such a difference to you,

believe me, I would have mentioned it.

You said she was a student at NYU?

No, I didn't. I said I met her at NYU.

She worked in the cafeteria.

Listen to me.

In a situation like this,

details are very important.

Listen, you ask me,

and I'll give you all the details you want.

All right. Well, next time...

No. There's not gonna be a next time.

Really? So you don't have any other former wives?

Uh,

no.

You sure? Yeah. I'm really sure.

Okay. Good.

All right. So it's over? It's over.

Good.

What?

Okay, so who was the guy with the wallet?

Sweetie, sweetie. I don't feel like it. Not tonight.

Really?

I'm just so tired.

You are?

Yeah. Oh. I'm almost asleep.

I understand.