Original subtitles

What's the difference between the secretary of commerce and the secretary of labor?

One is in charge of all all the things financial, all the money stuff,

the other is uh to all it's uh

You know, he's in-charge of all work and labor.

Just say you don't know. Okay, I don't know.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah! ♪

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Okay. Taste this bread.

Mmm. Where did you get that?

I just made it.

Come on.

I did! Seriously.

You know that big thing Debbie and Joan gave us

That we use to store the rice?

The rice holder?

Yeah. Turns out it's not a rice holder-bread maker.

What did you do with the rice?

For now, can we just celebrate the bread?

It's the greatest thing, this bread maker.

You put the guck in the thing,

you turn it on, you go away, you have a sandwich,

and an hour later, bread.

Then you can make another sandwich.

Hey! Hey. Okay. Taste that.

It's good.

Huh? Where did you get it?

I made it. Come on.

I baked the bread.

Yeah, right.

I did!

So did you get my message this morning?

No. No. I've been bakin'.

I haven't even had ano... What?

I have an advance copy of the Baltimore Tribune article on Buchman.

By that guy, Ricky Wrongstag.

The Baltimore Tribune?

Yeah. We had to go 300 miles

to find somebody who was actually interested, but, hey

Let me see! How is it? How is it?

He loves Buchman. We're a hit.

Wow! That's so cool. Let me see.

He said so many nice things about this movie.

Wow! Let me see. Oh, great.

You cannot put a price on publicity like this.

Let me see the thing!

All right. Just remember, it is an advance copy,

so they still have to fix some stuff.

All right, all right. Here we go.

"In Paul Buchman's new documentary about his family,

Entitled Feldman"

He'll fix! He'll fix!

"The story chronicles his family's journey to America

after fleeing their native Cuba."

I don't understand.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What? What? What?

Oh, no! JAMIE: What?

"Paul's mother, a lovely woman of 86"

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No! This is all so wrong!

It's wronger than wrong. This is the wrongest anything could

nobody's wronger than Ricky Wrongstag.

He works in the New York bureau.

You just go down to his office

and give him your corrections.

I spent so much time talking to that guy!

What was it, just a complete waste of time?

No! He loves the movie! Look! Read!

"Feldman announces

Feldman! "Feldman announces Buchman"

Okay "as one of the truest voices

in documentary film today" There you go!

"He brilliantly captures the hot Latin emotions of his family".

What is wrong with this guy?

"He brilliantly captures," huh?

Look, honey, and he mentions you. Ooh, he does?

Yeah. "Mr. Buchman resides in New York with his wife Jamie,

a non-pro, and his son Mabel."

Non-pro?

So what do you know? I got a son named Mabel now.

He called me a non-pro?

Sweetie, that just means at the moment you're not working

I know what it means. I'm not a non-pro.

Well, look at the bright side.

You got that darned Caster oil out of your hair.

Stop working for 11 seconds,

suddenly you're a non-pro?

See, what that is, that's a little

of that hot Latin emotions our family has.

How long have we been together?

Don't ask me. I'm a non-pro.

But, the point is, a long time, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And in that time,

have I ever given you the impression

by anything I've said or anything I've done

that I am, in any way, Cuban?

Non-pro?

Blech, blech, blech, blech, blech.

What?

Restaurant bread.

Do you know who that is?

That's James Carville and Mary Matalin.

Our jewelers?

What?

No, no, no, no, no! You know them!

The famous "they're married,

but, they're on opposite sides of the political" thing

You know them!

Don't know 'em.

Carville worked for Clinton. Matalin worked for Bush.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

So Carville may be a little better at his job than she is.

Is that what you're saying?

No, no, no. They're both great.

In fact, I met her at a press junket once.

She's brilliant.

Excuse me. Do you have any fresh bread?

No. That's as fresh as we've got.

Okay. That's fine. You know why?

I got my own bread.

So what's their story? He's a big democrat, she's a big republican?

Uh-huh. And then they got married?

Yeah, that's good, 'cause you don't want to

run out of things to fight about.

Jamie? Jamie Buchman?

Yeah?

Mary Matalin.

Right!

Right, right, right!

How are you?

How ya doin'?

This serpent-head's my husband James Carville.

Oh!

Don't call me that in front of new people.

Yeah, like they wouldn't think it anyway.

All right, okay Hey! What do you suppose is for dessert, huh?

And this is our associate Henry Vincent.

Well, hi. Pleasure to meet you.

Jamie did the Brockwell campaign.

Oh, someone actually took that job, eh?

Hey, she made him look pretty good.

Thank you.

So how's life after Brockwell?

It's great. That's my husband Paul,

And over there, that's Mabel, who's a joy.

Oh, she looks it.

So what brings you guys to town?

Well, Carville and I opened up an office here.

Call me James!

Would it kill you to call me James?

Honey You're whining

Like a little girlie-man.

Ha ha! Okay. All right. Happy are we, table of 3.

And Henry's the guy we hired to run the office.

What kind of stuff would you be workin' on?

Well, here in the New York office,

our business is applying pressure.

We lean on the corporations till they do what we want.

Hey, Jamie, you workin' now?

I'm not. I'm staying home with Mabel.

Well, if you ever decide to go back to work,

we should talk.

Great. Sure.

Hey, you know what you oughta do is,

you oughta come up and see our offices.

I would love that.

We'll just pop up sixth avenue, then we'll cross over

Sixth, at this hour?

What are you, nuts?

Are you tellin' me how to get to my own office?

Nowsy-now. I'll tell ya, these knuckleheads

And this hotbed of activity is what we call the war room.

I love this place.

Well, great. Maybe someday soon, you'll have a home here.

Oh, sweetie, what's the matter?

What is it?

Is there someplace I could change her?

Uh, well, this one's empty.

Great. Thank you.

Don't make a mess,

'cause if ya come here, this will be your office.

Okay. Paul, could you help me for a second, please?

What is Kenya?

Paul?

Sorry!

I'll get it.

Thank you.

Wow. Look at this place.

I know.

Do you think they were serious?

About?

About me coming to work here?

Oh, of course they were serious.

Did you hear how many times they asked you?

It was bordering on the pushy.

Would you be okay with me thinking about working?

Sure.

Really? Absolutely.

Totally. In fact, here's a deal.

You go to work. I'll stay home. I'll take care of Mabel.

Listen to you a guy who bakes one loaf of bread?

Ah!

Is this a little john and Yoko fantasy you're having?

No. I thought of this all myself.

For your information, I like taking care of her.

And two happen to be very good at it

And three I got nothin' to do.

Till my next project comes along, I'm not so much busy.

What if they don't ask me again?

They're gonna ask you.

How do you know? 'Cause I know.

No. You're wrong. I'm not wrong.

I think you're wrong.

I'm not wrong. All right.

So did I leave you alone for long enough?

Are you interested in a job here?

Maybe daddy's not so wrong as mommy, ultimately.

Okay. Just say, "have a good day at work, mama."

You remember my friend Bubbles Cantwell?

Bubbles Cantwell with the dog and the coat!

That's right.

She lives outside Baltimore now,

and she promised to fax me that article when it came out.

You have a fax machine? Since when?

Well, of course we have a fax machine. It's the nineties.

How many faxes do you get?

Well, this will be the first one.

Just say just say, "mama."

Yeah, say, "mama."

Say, "mama's going to be late for work

Unless someone helps her find her glasses."

What do they look like?

They're little, round, tortoise-shell

They're glasses! Any kind of glasses!

Just say, "mama."

Or, just say

Hey! Found the rice.

Oh, oh, oh. Leave it, honey. I'll get it.

Found your glasses.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Thank you so much.

And you are gonna get to spend all day today with daddy and Nana,

you lucky girl, yes.

Oh, mommy's gonna miss you so much.

Well, Mabel knew that you would,

which is why she made you this.

Oh, look at that!

Thank you so much! Look at you!

A little talking picture frame

so you can look at Mabel all day,

And if you press this button, she'll talk.

Oh, honey, I love it!

Okay. Well, you come to me.

All right, I get Mabel. You get this.

See? There's a little picture,

And if you press this button,

you can change the message, whatever you want.

I love the frame, and I love you.

And I love you.

And I love you!

You'll be late for work.

Okay.

You know, I am so anxious to see that article.

Okay, ya see, the thing with those articles, ma,

I gotta warn ya, ya never know what they're gonna print.

Oh, well, listen, what's the worst thing that he could write?

I can't even imagine.

Okay. I think I'm ready to go.

All right, okay. Nothing to get upset about. Mommy's going to work.

I'm excited about this! I think this is gonna be great.

Yeah. Oh. Mabel just said, "that's right, mommy, it is. It's gonna be great."

Okay. You have my number? Yes, I do.

And my pager? I... yes.

And my cell phone.

Yes. Also, I tagged your ear

So I can follow you in a chopper.

All right. I love you, Mabel, so much.

I'll be home very soon.

Okay. Mabel says, "We'll call you."

Okay. Or, you'll or, you'll page me.

Yes. "Or, fax you."

Okay, or, if you need me, you know you can call.

"Just go!" All right.

This is Jamie Buchman.

We are having a fabulous day.

It's so weird not being with her.

I know. How you doin'?

I'm good. Everybody's being really nice.

How's it going there?

It's just goin' great. You know what she did?

She found her toes.

Yeah. She does that.

Well, she's got 'em in her mouth now.

She never did that.

Oh. You know what, though?

It doesn't look like they're comin' out any time soon, so

You'll see it when you get home.

Okay.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

I'm a modern woman, striking as best I can

the delicate balance that society demands of me.

So you're doin' pretty good, then, huh?

Yeah. Okay.

Kiss Mabel.

I will. Okay, bye.

Bye.

I just wanted to say welcome,

and we're all so thrilled to have you.

Thank you. Hey, what's that?

It's a picture of my daughter that talks.

Oh, cool.

Oh, that's adorable!

So that button plays, and what does this one

Careful 'cause you might erase it!

Oh, crap. I think I erased it.

I'm sorry.

Listen, not to worry.

Did I erase Mabel?

Oh, crap. I think I erased it.

Oh! I feel terrible.

- Truly, not to worry. - Mary! Phone call!

Will you excuse me? Sure.

Oh, crap. I think I erased it.

Oh, crap. I think I erased it.

Hello.

I made a horrible mistake.

You did?

Yes. I never should have taken this job.

I don't want it. I want Mabel.

Oh, you know what? All right, then here's what ya do. Quit.

No, I can't quit. I've got to get them to fire me.

How do ya figure that?

Because if I quit, I'm gonna look like an idiot.

Sweetie, getting fired is not exactly like a feather in your cap.

Honey, please. You just don't understand business.

Just go back to your bread, okay?

All right.

Listen to me. This is what I want you to do. Call me.

What?

Call me constantly.

A hundred times between now and 5:00 o'clock.

On the cell phone, on the pager.

Beep me, buzz me, page me, fax me.

I gotta tell you, I'm a little aroused right now.

Eventually, they're gonna realize that I can't cut the cord.

They made a horrible mistake in hiring me,

and they're gonna have to let me go.

Sweetie, are you sure? Call me!

All right, all right, all right!

Okay, wait, wait, wait!

Wait. Hold the receiver over the baby.

Okay. Hold on a second.

Ugh, she's got her toes in her mouth.

Yeah. You know what? Never mind.

Yeah, okay.

Ugh, she's got her toes in her mouth.

All right. Very good.

What's going on?

Nothin'. Hey, did you try the pumpernickel bread?

Please, no more bread!

Damn it, woman. You turned the socks pink in the laundry again.

I've never even done your laundry.

Well, why the hell not?

Aren't they great?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Whoops.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Okay. I'm calling you.

Awww. How is she?

Honey, I gotta say, it's a little ridiculous.

No, no, no, sweetie. The red booties.

Yeah, okay All right. Here's a question for ya.

You know, I always wondered,

why would a person drive the Chevy to the levee

if they know

They know full well that the levee was dry?

Uh-huh. I don't know.

Sweetie, the snuggly snaps up in the back.

Also and I've always wanted to know this

Do you really think that bad, bad Leroy Brown

was, like, the baddest man in the entire Chicago metropolitan area?

Because that's a huge statement to make.

Yes. Yes, it is.

The vitamins are in the dropper.

It's 4 drops, then a kiss.

I gotta go back to work, sweetie.

Okay. You know what puzzles me?

If you're gonna shoot the sheriff,

why not take out the deputy?

'Cause the deputy saw the whole thing, so you get 'em both.

Yeah. Good-bye.

I don't know why you say good-bye. 'Cause I say hello.

Good-bye.

Hello, hello.

What was that?

Ah, nothing. Jamie's just a little bored.

Listen, I gotta go talk to this Nimrod at the newspaper.

I want you to do me a favor.

Call dad and have him fax something to Jamie.

What?

You know, anything. Like, a question about Mabel.

And then you wait a couple of minutes,

and then call her yourself at the office.

And say what?

Just say here. Say this.

I understand why the big wheel keeps on turning,

but, why and this is the tricky part

Why would the Proud Mary keep on burnin'?

I gotta say, it's very impressive,

the way you can...

Whoops. Sorry.

Hey, sexy.

It's Sylvia.

How long has it been since I've had my arms around you?

A long time.

Well, honey, we are gonna change that.

I really should go.

All right.

Okay, you tiger. I'll see ya tonight.

Okay. Bye.

Sorry.

When you're a little older,

you and I will sit down and discuss your parents.

Mr. Wrongstag, I want to thank you for the kind words

you wrote about my film.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

Can't tell ya how much I enjoyed Feldman.

Okay. Here is the thing. It's not called Feldman.

It's actually called Buchman.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Glad we found that out.

Yeah. Well, I gotta tell ya,

we found quite a lot of factual errors in your article.

Oh, my goodness. Really?

Yeah. I mean, tons of them.

For starters, I'm not Cuban.

Oh, my goodness.

Never been to Cuba.

Never been to Cuba?

Never been to Cuba.

Uh, also

My son Mabel? Actually a beautiful little girl.

Uh, makes sense.

Yep. I've never fought as a welterweight.

Sorry about that.

That can happen. Sure enough.

And if you're gonna get one thing right in the article,

don't fool around with my mother's age!

You know, she looks terrific for 86.

You know why that might be?

Just hypothesizing maybe 'cause she's not!

She's not 86!

She's not 86? No! She's nowhere near 86!

Well, then, that would be a mistake.

Yes.

But, see, here's my problem.

Uh, we got to press in less than an hour.

And I couldn't possibly correct this many mistakes, even if I wanted to.

You can't?

No. I'm afraid we're gonna have to live with this.

Okay Okay, Mr. Wrongstag.

I understand.

Good.

Can I just use your phone?

I'm just gonna call my attorney.

Your attorney?

Dial 9?

Uh...

Now, on those rare occasions where twisting of arms doesn't work,

we like to go for a spot that we call the corporate groin.

Ooh, yikes.

Whoop. Excuse me.

Hello.

Yeah. Alan Dershowitz, please.

Paul Buchman calling they're gonna put me right through.

Honey, no. She wants her winky walrus.

She's not gonna be happy with the pudgy poo.

Alan? Uh, listen

Do you have the Wrongstag file in front of you?

No. Gerard giraffe is for 2 and older.

Tell me again,

what was the punitive damage figure we were talking about?

Just no. Just round it off to the nearest hundred grand

♪ Winky, winky walrus, winky, winky walrus

♪ Winky, winky, winky, winky walrus

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Hoo, hoo, hoo Baby.

Okay. I love you.

I love you, too, Alan.

Sorry.

All right, now, here again

Jamie, fax for you from home.

Some guy named Pop Pop wants to know Mabel's hat size.

Sorry.

Hello.

Hi, sweetie. Listen, Mabel's hat size is a small.

It's you again.

What are you wearing?

I'm hanging up.

Take a shower. I'm coming home at 5:00.

I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong to you!

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Stop calling me!

So sorry. You must be totally out of patience with me

and thinking you've made a terrible mistake.

Oh, on the contrary,

I admire very much the way you're juggling everything.

Yeah. You're quite an inspiration.

Oh, great.

Whoops. Spilled coffee on my proposal for work.

This won't impress general motors at all.

Uh-oh, honey.

The pie chart. What a shame.

And...

Hey, I accidentally erased it off the hard drive, too.

What are you doing?

These people are gonna fire me if it's the last thing I do.

Jeez. I really hope Mabel gets your wonderful business sense.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Good. How are you? Good.

Hey, Sylvia.

Hello.

Oh, hey. Is that the article?

Yeah. Let me see. Let me see.

Ricky Wrongstag really loved the movie. Oh, good.

I mean, of course he made a couple of little factual errors.

Oh, I knew it!

And he promised me

he was gonna watch the film again.

The important thing, Paulie,

is to see the forest for the trees.

Let me see. Let me see the thing, please.

"Paul Buchman's new movie Buchman"

Already better.

"Chronicles his family's founding

of the Chinese communist party."

"Raised on a rice farm in the hunan province," apparently,

"Talk of revolution first began when Paul was a small boy."

My god!

Unbelievable, "he was initiated by his mother Sylvia,

who eventually wrote the party's manifesto."

Sylvia, I had no idea.

"Sylvia is a coquettish woman of, perhaps, 38 years old."

All right. So it's not a total loss.

Taste this bread.

Where'd you get it?

I made it! Come on!

No, seriously.

You know that big thing Joan and Debbie gave us

that we use to store rice in?

The rice holder?

Well, actually, what I'm saying is,

it's a bread machine.

What did you do with the rice?

Honey, for now, let's just celebrate the bread.

It's the greatest, this bread machine.

You just put the guck in, turn it on,

and go make yourself a sandwich or, something.

An hour later, bread.

Then you make yourself another sandwich.

Where are the regular guys?

Taste this bread.

Where'd you get it?

I made it! Come on!

No, seriously.

You know that big thing Joan and Debbie gave us

that we use to store rice in?

The rice holder?

Well, actually, what I'm saying is,

it's a bread machine.

What did you do with the rice?

Honey, for now, let's just celebrate the bread.

It's the greatest, this bread machine.

You just put the guck in, turn it on,

and go make yourself a sandwich or, something.

An hour later, bread.

Then you make yourself another sandwich.

Where are the regular guys?