Original subtitles

See, you have to understand, I love my father.

I love him a tremendous amount.

Yes, but it's very hard. He's over at the house all day, every day.

Yeah, I mean, you know, "Honor thy father."

That's gotta be easily

one of the top 5 or 6 commandments, don't you think?

Paul's very busy right now trying

to choose his next project.

It's a tense time for him, and it's very difficult

with Burt clamoring for attention every second.

Yeah, but then I think about

all that he's done for me my entire life.

And I want to extend myself in return, you know?

He's saying if it goes on much longer,

he's going to jump out a window.

This is what I'm saying.

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh?"

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh?"

I think the thing is,

My mom, see, she recently took a job.

You know those little cards you get in pants pockets

that say, "Inspected by number 12?"

Uh-huh. She's number 12.

Well, you know, it just seems to have created

some sort of problem between them.

And, uh, I think,

I think my dad wants to go back to work himself,

but he's not... I think, I think he's envious.

Honey, he's over at the apartment all day

in his slippers, happy as a clam.

I don't think he wants to go back to work.

Well, you know. Uh-huh.

Well, what do you think it is?

Paul, rather than

jumping to some snap judgment of my own,

why don't we investigate what you think it is?

Well, again, I, I think...

I think he wants to go back to work.

Uh-huh.

And I think he's wearing slippers.

Uh-huh.

Could you possibly say anything else besides "uh-huh"?

Oh, we're out of time.

Very good.

Oh, now, before you go,

you haven't RSVP'd to my fund-raiser

for the Habitat For Humanity.

Yeah. Yeah.

Here's the thing about that.

We want to go... Yeah.

We believe in humanity.

And, uh, we feel it should have a habitat.

It's just, I hope you won't take this the wrong way,

we're not sure we're entirely comfortable

with the idea of seeing you socially.

Uh-huh.

But simply because, you know, you know all our stuff.

Which is okay in this room.

In this room, that's perfectly, you know, appropriate.

Yeah, but in a social situation,

I think we'd be thinking...

We'll be thinking, "hey, she knows all our stuff." Right.

And how would that make you feel?

Well, we decided that we just...

It'd just, you know, be blicky.

"Blicky?"

Yeah, that's what we decided. A little blicky.

Jamie, do you feel that it might be blicky?

Well, I mean, I feel it might be blicky.

Don't you feel it might conceivably be blicky?

Whether I feel it would be blicky or not is not the issue.

The issue is do you feel it might be blicky?

So you're saying just we should come to the fund-raiser.

Well, how would you feel about that?

We'll just see you there.

Good god! PAUL: What?

The person in charge of our mental health

has that hanging in her house.

Good god!

Hey! What?

What is this?

Hey, how are you?

Please tell me she has a dog.

I haven't seen a dog. Oh, good god.

Glad you came? Yeah, really glad.

Hi! Hi.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Well, thanks. You have a lovely home.

Yes. Some lovely knickknacks.

Thanks.

Oh, Bruce and Janet,

This is Jamie and Jose.

It's Paul, actually.

What?

Paul. You just called me Jose.

No, I didn't.

Whoo, hey there, gimlet boy.

Where you goin'?

Ooh, nothing but joy here. Yeah.

Good god!

What the hell is that?

We honestly don't know.

But the artist is right behind you.

No! No.

I'm kidding. I'm sorry.

Paul, Jamie Buchman. Hello.

Sydney, Sydney warren.

I can't, I can't believe this thing.

Yeah, well, whatever you do, don't look at the table behind us.

Why? What's on the table... Oh, come on!

Told you not to look.

Tell me, tell me there's a dog.

No dog.

It's a party, for God's sake.

Couldn't she put something on the table like a cracker?

Are you a patient of Sheila's?

I'm a fellow shrink, actually. How about you?

Oh, we're actually patients of Sheila's.

Oh, okay, so you must be pretty scared right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't be fooled. She's a very, very good doctor.

No, I'm sure. Of course she is. No question.

But when this woman leaves the office,

she really leaves the office.

Yes, yes...

See, that's what we should do, honey.

Get a couple of these around the apartment,

And that'll scare my dad away.

Oh, right. Your father?

Long story.

Please. I'm desperate not to see any more of the apartment.

My mom just took a job, so he's going through a thing.

I think, I think he's envious.

How old is your father?

Uh, he's almost 70.

He's not envious. He feels abandoned.

He's what? Nine times out of ten cases like this,

that's exactly what it is.

Oh, god, honey.

That's what it is.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna write a check to the Habitat For Humanity

and go home and try not to dream about anything I saw here.

It was nice talking to you.

Nice talking to you, too. Nice to meet you.

Okay. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Apparently not.

That's what a therapist should be like.

What do you mean? He's a person.

He is. A person with answers.

Yeah, see, he didn't have all those questions.

What are your feelings? How are your feelings?

Your feelings. Your feelings. Your feelings. Your feelings.

All right, sweetie, we get it.

I'm sick of paying $100 an hour

so that some woman can make me crazy.

Yeah, you don't need her for that.

I'm agreeing with you! I'm agreeing.

But, honey, you know, we've got a fine, fine therapist of our own there.

Jacuzzi!

Pauly, they're gonna love your film about mole rats.

Hey, hey, it's Natalie Allen!

Yes, it is. All right.

So good, get him, get him on the phone. Let's do it.

It's Natalie Allen, anchorwoman for CNN.

I see it right there on the set. Thank you. Okay.

Any ideas? How do you pitch to Ken Burns?

Taste this. What, oh!

Dad, thank you. Okay.

Here you go, Pauly. Hang on one second.

Hello. Ken Burns' office, please.

Look at Natalie Allen. Oh! Oh!

She's so smart, and she looks so great.

And she finds out about everything right away.

Yeah, Ken, hi. Paul Buchman. How are you?

Listen, do you have two minutes?

Maybe we can talk about mole rats.

Good. Here, listen, here's what I was thinking...

Natalie Allen says it, I believe it.

The Serbs are mad at the Croats?

Yes! El nino, el facto!

Yeah, no, sorry. That's my dad.

He's, he's over for just right now.

What I would do, personally,

I think we should go naked mole rat by naked mole rat

until you find a naked mole rat

that you just can't help but love.

Pauly, guess what's on here?

Pop, I'm on the phone. So can...

You're thinking mustard, aren't you?

I thought it was mustard. Yes.

Worcestershire. Ha ha!

Okay, I'm wrong.

Sorry about that. Um, What I...

Whenever something tastes good,

and you don't know what it is,

it's usually Worcestershire.

Thank you. Hang on one second.

Hey, you know who invented Worcestershire sauce?

Who? Benjamin franklin.

Oh, come on. No, it's true.

It was just after he got hit by lightning.

He didn't mean to. He was going for ketchup.

Hey.

Oh, you would not believe the pants I saw today.

Unwearable.

Ken, I'm gonna have to call you back. All right? Thank you.

And inspector number 10,

she passed them right through like she always does.

I mean, what does she care?

She only got a job because she slept with inspector number 5.

That happens all the time in that business, Aunt Syl.

You go in for the love of quality control,

you stay for the sex.

Hiya, Mom. Hi.

You're not going to say hi to pop?

Hi!

Oh, hi.

Oh, Natalie Allen... again.

Uh-huh.

Good for you.

That's it?

What?

What?

None of my business.

Grab a seat. Dr. Warren will be in in just a minute.

Thank you. Thanks.

Wow! This... this is a room.

Honey, look at the fire!

Wow! This is a room where you get well.

Hmm. Now, listen, do me a favor.

What? Don't do what you did with Sheila.

What? We're starting fresh here with a new person.

Don't poison the well.

That's what I did with Sheila?

I poisoned the well?

You put incorrect notions about us in her head.

We were never able to get them out.

Like what?

It doesn't matter now. No, but like what?

A billion things.

Like what?

Like that we hate cats.

What? Sheila thinks we hate cats.

This is what you're worried about?

That this guy will think we don't like cats?

It bothered me. It came up more than once.

She thinks we hate cats, which means we're dog people.

Not just people who like dogs, dog people,

which means we are needy, not giving. It bothers me.

What is wrong with you?

Hey! Hi.

Sit down. Sit down. How are you?

Relax, relax. Did you eat? I got Zabar's.

Oh.

Uh, no, thank you very much.

I try not to eat before I'm going to spill my guts.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Dive in.

I'm way wildly too nervous to eat.

Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous.

Let me see if I can scare up a pen.

Okay.

I like that painting very much.

Oh, thanks. That's a local artist named, uh, Robert Katz.

Oh, we love cats.

I, uh, must say I was a little surprised to get this call.

Yeah. Do you feel it's unethical

to visit one shrink while you're seeing another?

Absolutely not.

Really? This happens all the time.

You know, I think I lost a patient to Sheila once.

Pfft. Hard to imagine that.

It's just a question of who clicks with whom, you know?

Besides, the point is, you did the right thing.

Okay, good.

I'll have a bagel.

Great. All right, let's go to work.

The other night, you were talking about

your father hanging around all the time.

And you said that maybe he feels abandoned by my mom.

You were absolutely right, by the way.

Yeah, so I was trying

to get in touch with my feelings about...

Come on, you know your feelings about this. You're a nice guy.

You want your parents to be happy.

And also, you have a life you'd like to lead occasionally,

If nobody minds.

Yeah.

So, the question is, what do you do?

Yes, okay, yes, what do I do?

What's he do? What is it?

Is your father going to come over again tomorrow?

Tomorrow? What is tomorrow?

Is tomorrow a day of the week?

Absolutely.

He'll be there.

Paul, here's what you gotta do.

You gotta engage him.

You gotta get him to admit

that he resents your mother taking the job.

Yes. Yes.

My guess is on some level, he wants you to.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, here's what he's probably thinking.

"Here I am, finally in the golden years of my life,

"and this woman has given me the shaft."

Probably. Yeah. Definitely!

Now, once you get him going,

once you get him to acknowledge it,

he'll, you know, he'll do the rest by himself,

and then all your problems will be solved.

Yes, yes, yes.

You've been saying that?

I've been thinking it.

How is that, good?

Dr. Warren, I am sorry to disturb.

Mrs. Arthur's on the phone again.

Is she humming? Mm-hmm.

I better take this.

This is a dear older woman,

and, for her, I bend the rules. No problem.

I'll be right back. Sure. No problem.

Okay. I love him. Me, too!

I'll tell you what we're gonna do, my little friend.

What's that? We're dumping Sheila.

Really? Yeah.

You like him more. I like him more.

Yeah, okay, yeah. We're gonna dump Sheila. All right.

But, you know, let's just not do it cold turkey.

I think it'll be a lot kinder

if we just taper off with Sheila over time

while we continue to see him.

You want to pay for two therapists?

Maybe a clean break is best.

The way I see it, Ken,

The story of the mole rat is the story of all of us.

Oh, God! Look at her today.

It's really, it's about

the little naked rodent in all of us, Ken.

And, and to me, I think it's a fascinating documentary.

Smell this. What? Pop, I'm on the phone.

You see I'm talking to Ken.

Let me ask you something. What's that?

Who was the genius

that first let milk lay around and get all moldy

and all of a sudden realized,

"You know what that is? Cheese."

I don't know who was the first guy that did it.

You can do a documentary about that.

Sorry. That's my dad again.

Ken, I'm gonna have to call you back. So sorry.

You think Ted Turner chooses his anchorwomen himself?

It could be, pop. You know, I don't know.

I want to ask you something. Sure.

I'm gonna sit down and talk for a second.

It's all right. It's all right, uh.

How ya doin'? Good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Good. Yeah.

Here's a question. Did you, just thinkin',

did you have any, I don't know,

any anger or any feelings

when mom took the job at the factory?

No! Why should I have any feelings?

If she wants to spend our retirement inspecting pants,

who am I to say no?

No, no, but, yeah, but no, that's okay. Hold it.

But really, there was no sense of anger? No.

No? No.

No resentment? Nah!

Abandonment?

Well... Yeah?

Yeah? A little sense of abandonment? Oh.

W-w-well... Or, or betrayal?

Mmm... Ill feelings, maybe, or disgruntled.

All right! All right! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I feel abandoned! Yes.

She gave me the shaft!

She did? Yes!

46 years we worked so we wouldn't have to work.

We could just be together. Right.

And what does she do at that precious time?

She gives you the shaft. Yes!

Yeah! That's not right.

You know what? What?

I'm going over there.

I'm going to have a little talk with her! This has gone far enough!

Well, all right. Great. That's a great idea.

Uh, before you go! Before you go, Pop. Yeah?

Put on some pants.

Oh, oh.

All right. Listen, we're gonna be tough and honest with Sheila,

and just get this thing over with. Yes, of course.

Just an iota of compassion, that's all I'm asking you for.

I'm compassionate.

I'm plenty compassionate.

All right. All right.

What kind of bagels do you think Sheila will bring?

All right.

Hi. Hi, Sheila.

Okay. Let's see.

When last we left,

we were investigating your feelings vis-a-vis Mort.

Who? Burt.

That's what I said. Yeah.

Since then, we've actually taken some actual steps.

You have? Yes, we have.

We engaged my father, and we got him to talk about it,

and, uh, frankly, it worked, because he just, you know,

Picked up and walked out of the apartment on his own.

Uh-huh.

Here we go.

What? Nothing.

So how do you feel about your solution?

Well,

Great. We feel great about our solution.

Well, good. Yeah.

Maybe now we should examine any separation anxiety

you may have with the departure of your father.

That's just what we're gonna do.

Jamie, I'm, I'm sensing a certain hostility from you today.

Are ya? Okay. You know, you know.

Sheila, here's the thing.

We've decided to change therapists.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Sheila, believe me, it-it's not you.

Honey. It's a little bit you.

We're finding our sessions frustrating

and, frankly, unhelpful.

Well, of course, this comes as a great shock.

Well, we're sorry. We really are.

And something of a personal and professional disappointment.

We understand. We really do.

But part of my job is to accept such a decision with grace

and with all good wishes for your future happiness.

Well, thank you. That's very sweet of you.

Uh... but I would be remiss if I didn't mention to you

that I think you're making a mistake.

Yeah. Well, listen, you know...

I've seen this sort of thing backfire.

Well, perhaps it will. We can only hope...

I have a question for you.

Please.

Have you thought about my feelings?

Sheila, we never... You're not the first ones to run out on me, you know.

We wish you all the best.

You know it's my birthday in two weeks?

Well, if we don't see ya, have a happy birthday.

You're just, you're just stupid!

You're both really stupid!

Well, be that as it may...

You're rolling the dice with your mental health,

which I gotta tell ya Is not exactly the Rock of Gibraltar to begin with.

Hey! Well, fine. You know...

You deserve every drop of misery that God will send to you!

You, you know what, Sheila...

A pox! A pox on your house!

I think our time is up.

Yeah. Actually, we have 45 minutes...

Honey! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Maybe we could pro rate or get a voucher or something?

I'm gonna tell everyone I know everything I know about you!

And then I'm gonna make some stuff up!

How ya doin', Syl?

Oh, please, Burt, I'm at work.

Call me Inspector.

Oh. Sorry, inspector.

Uh, everybody, this is Burt.

Burt, this is 2, 4, 6, 8

and 10.

The odds are out smoking again.

Nice to meet ya.

Don't mind 10.

See, before I came here, anything went.

Now people show some respect for a job well done.

Yeah, we're a real gung-ho bunch now, thanks to you.

So why are you here anyway, Burt?

Uh, Sylvia, I am angry with you.

You are? Yes.

Why? Because you took this job,

because you abandoned me.

You gave me the shaft.

I gave you the shaft?

You know what I'm saying.

You gave me the shaft in what should have been our golden years!

Well! You seem to be recovering very nicely,

you and, uh, that Natalie Allen.

Well, at least she looks at me when she talks to me.

Well, you know, I have somebody, too.

Who? Tiger Woods.

What?

Yes! He's a very handsome young man.

And he can hit a 3-wood 290 yards off the fairway.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means,

but it certainly sounds very, very impressive.

Sylvia, all my life I've been waiting for the day

when I could be sitting around in my living room

and in my underwear with you next to me.

So now I'm in my living room and in my underwear,

but you're not there!

Burt, is there anything I should worry about,

you and this Natalie Allen?

Well, Frankly, no.

In the end, when all the fireworks have died down,

I'm not sure I need that much news.

Good.

Is there anything that I should worry about

with you and Tiger Woods?

No! I mean, he's on the road so much.

Who needs that?

What do you say we take a little walk?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll cover for me, number 10?

Yep.

He's cute. Nice rise.

And we haven't heard from Pop since.

That's great. I'm glad everything worked out.

All thanks to you, Mister.

I'm sorry Sheila blew up like that.

That's, that's too bad.

You know what? That's all the proof we needed to know

that we did the right thing.

You don't suppose there really is a pox on our house, do you?

No. No.

Good, oh, God!

We've gone half an hour over. I'm so sorry.

Just relax. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Relax, relax. We're doing good work.

I don't like people to feel rushed.

Whew. You better watch that attitude, pal.

You're gonna get thrown out of the Shrinks Union.

Thank you for the wonderful advice

and the equally wonderful Kung Pao chicken.

Yeah. Sorry. Once again, we forgot to bring you anything.

We were just, we were raised poorly is all.

Listen, at these prices, the food's on me.

I keep meaning to ask you, by the way,

how much do you charge, if we may?

$475 an hour.

We made a huge mistake.

We were stupid, stupid people.

I don't know what we were thinking.

Oh, and, by the way, happy birthday.

Why did I get so upset when they dumped me?

I don't even like 'em.

Because you're a nut.

I am?

You're completely out of your mind.

I am, aren't I?

You shouldn't be advising anybody.

You're probably right.

It's a crazy world, isn't it?

They're crazy. I'm crazy.

It's just a world filled with crazy people.

Yeah.

Thank God.

Why did I get so upset when they dumped me?

I don't even like 'em.

Because you're a nut.

I am?

You're completely out of your mind.

I am, aren't I?

You shouldn't be advising anybody.

You're probably right.

It's a crazy world, isn't it?

They're crazy. I'm crazy.

It's just a world filled with crazy people.

Yeah.

Thank God.