Original subtitles

Help me.

Ooh.

Explain to me the logic of bridesmaids' dresses.

I wish I could. Yeah. A woman with no taste

gets to pick out dresses for everybody else.

That's just wrong is what that is.

The color's called "Sunday salmon." Ugh.

You know, I'll put some hollandaise sauce around you,

and we'll fix you right up.

She was always like this, Lori.

She was just always selfish and boorish.

Ooh, there's gonna be a lot of love at this wedding, I can tell.

How would you like it if the groom told you

you had to walk around his wedding with a big orange bow on your butt?

I would not like it.

Also we have the matching shoes, headband,

and velvet choker.

All Sunday salmon?

Yes. Yes.

You know what, sweetie? I think it's gonna be fine, it's gonna be perfectly fine.

We'll fly to L.A.

We'll do a little wedding,

I'll sneak in a couple of movie meetings, and then, you know,

look at the other ocean. So where's bad?

Where's bad? We're leaving our daughter for the first time.

My parents are so excited to have her, you can't believe it.

They're literally vibrating with joy.

Honey, how many diapers did you pack? 1,500.

No, no, no, honey. They'll buy more if they need them.

All right. Okay. Wow, the green pajamas?

What's the matter? They're not warm enough.

Give me back.

Ooh, really? The striped blanket? Okay, do you wanna pack the bag?

I gotta get ready. All right.

What time is your plane?

1:30. You're sure you're okay with this whole separate planes thing?

Yes. I'm okay with the separate planes.

I don't understand it, but I'm okay with it, and that's a nice hat.

Thank you.

It's just that this way if anything happens...

Come in. No, no, sweetie.

This way, if, God forbid,

one plane goes down, Mabel will not be an orphan.

Okay, I get the thinking. It's just... So?

Who lives like that? That's so grim.

What's grim about it? We're cutting in half

the chances... Come in.

It's me.

We are cutting in half the chances

that Mabel will lose both her parents. That's happy.

That's happy, okay, yes. But on the other hand,

Come in! No, that's me.

I'm saying on the other hand,

we're doubling the chances that god forbid

she's gonna lose at least one parent.

Well, that's grim.

You know what? Can we just stop talking about it,

'cause it's making me very uncomfortable,

plus it's hurting my hand. Okay.

What is it? Your flight's 1:30?

Yeah, yours? 3:05.

Oh, so you mean, uh... Yeah, separate cabs.

That's what I'm thinking.

Yeah. You know what? If you want,

we can just never spend any time together.

That way there's practically no chance

that we can die simultaneously.

Come in! Oh, that was me.

Hi. Look who's here!

Mabel.

It's Nana and Pop-pop.

You went with Nana and Pop pop, did you?

Well, I wanted grandpa and grandma, but who the hell am I?

Oh, what a weekend we're gonna have.

There are so many people who are waiting to meet you.

Oh, my God, they're gonna eat their hearts out.

And isn't that what it's really all about, huh?

Ready for a weekend with, with...

Who are we again?

Nana and Pop-pop.

Yep, she's ready for you, Pop-pop.

Not Pop-pop, Pop.

You just said Pop-pop. No, for Mabel it's Pop-pop.

For you it's pop. For each generation, another pop.

Oh, for Mabel's kids, it'll be Pop-pop pop?

What?

Oh, come here, you little potato, you!

All right, what's going on here?

Oh, just a little cold.

A little cold? Pop, you just shot your pancreas

onto the couch there. What's the matter?

It's just a little cold. I've had them all my life.

Oh, oh, I don't know about that.

I can't give the baby to you if dad's got a cold.

How could you get a cold?

I went out Tuesday with a wet head.

Haven't I told you?

Endlessly.

You know what, take it easy there, Mom-mom.

Nana. Nana.

It's never gonna catch on.

Yes, yes, yes.

It is Horst, the doorman.

Yes, Horst.

You have called for a taxicab,

which is now waiting here.

Oh, okay, thanks, Horst. Be down in a minute. Got a little problem here.

What's his name, horse?

Horst, Horst. German, with a "t."

No, you didn't say the "t." You said horse.

No, I said the "t." No, you didn't.

Yeah, all right. You know what? You win.

Uh, okay, so now who are we gonna get to watch the baby?

Oh, come on, it's nothing.

I'll get him some tea.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Joan and Debbie, what are they doing for the weekend?

Oh, they went to Maine. Maine?

That's where their people go for vacations.

Yes, 'cause that's the headquarters, yeah.

All right. Okay, uh... Fran and Mark.

Fran and mark? On our sickest days, we're better caretakers than they are.

Ma, please. They'll be fine.

Mark, are you there?

Guess not. How about this?

Your father will sleep in the cedar closet.

I said never again.

Ira. Oh, you've gotta be kidding!

Ira will do a fine job.

You don't remember when you went away to tennis camp

and you asked him to watch your turtle?

I'm taking the baby with me.

Oh, no. We have such big plans for the weekend.

I mean, we were gonna sit in the park and make the Millers jealous,

and then we were gonna sit in the lobby

and make the Davieses jealous, Okay.

And then we were gonna stay in the elevator

until the Nussbaums came and saw us... Okay, I get it, ma. I get it.

Yes. Yes!

It is Horst, the doorman.

Yes, Horst-t-t-t-t.

Sure, now.

The cab has now started its meter.

Okay, Horst, thank you.

It reads $2.50 and counting.

Good to know. Thank you, Horst.

I feel compelled to keep you posted.

I think it is a shameless waste of money.

Where I come from... Hanging up now, Horst.

Okay. Officially late.

I want to tell you, Paulie,

I never would have let Pop-pop touch the baby anyway.

Who? Pop-pop. That's you.

Are you gonna travel alone with the baby?

Yes! Do you know how hard it is

to travel alone with a baby?

Yes. No, you don't!

Okay, no, I don't.

All right, I think I have everything.

Please!

Don't take my baby!

Ma, sometimes you gotta let go.

You know, I think this is really for the best.

This is really gonna be fine,

and you know, I know you had your heart set on this,

but you still get the dog, huh?

You get the dog for the weekend,

and we'll do it another time.

I promise you will get Mabel another time,

And, uh, I'll make it up to you.

Hey, hey, listen, you still get the weekend together.

Which... you're gonna enjoy.

Let me tell you something,

you're gonna sleep in the cedar closet anyway.

We made it. We made the plane.

Here we go. Oof, excuse me.

Watch it! Sorry. Oh, pardon me.

I'm really terribly sorry.

Oh!

Hey! Sorry.

Sorry. Pardon me. We're sorry.

Here we go.

You gotta be kidding.

Hi. How are you, sir?

I'm changing seats. How are you?

Sir, this is a really good baby, believe me.

Well, they all look good at the gate.

But this one really is.

Yeah. Right. Wait till the ears start to pop,

or you want to change the poopy diaper

and the line's too long for the bathroom.

Nope. Not for me. Thanks just the same.

Sir, trust me. I mean, this is a beautiful baby.

Look, come on, look at that face.

How peaceful, look.

All right.

Okay. I'll try it.

I understand how you feel, I really do.

I used to be the same exact way before I had a kid.

But you know what I found? They love movement.

As soon as this plane takes off,

this baby's gonna be just sound asleep.

Thanks just the same.

All right, sir.

Move your stuff.

I'm sorry... Move your stuff.

I didn't... Move your stuff.

I didn't think there was anybody sitting next to me.

It's "move your stuff."

All right. All right.

Here, Let Byron sit by the window so he can see grand canyon.

Byron. Bywon, Bywon, does Bywon want to see gwand Canyon?

Excuse me, do I know you?

Irwin, elbow room. Sorry.

Irwin. Oh, my god. I know you.

Lady, you're starting to scare me. Who are you?

Do the words "The good room" mean anything to you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, the hospital.

Oh, my God, Irwin, look!

I'm here. I'm looking, dumpling.

It's the woman who tried to steal our room when we had little bywon.

Oh, excuse me. My contractions were two minutes apart,

and yours were four minutes apart... I'm so glad

you've put it all behind you.

You just... All right, all right!

It's all blood under the bridge.

So how are you? You look great.

I'm fine, thank you.

You know, the good room was actually a great room.

I'm sure it was.

Climate-control, percale sheets.

Even the stirrups were a pleasure.

Glad it worked out for you.

So... where's your baby?

Uh, we left her at home this time.

My husband and I are going to a friend's wedding.

Oh. And where is he?

We took separate flights for the baby.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Thank you so much.

No, no, no. No, I'm sorry.

I just mean Irwin and I discussed it at length

before we finally came to my conclusion, didn't we, Irwin?

Well, we just sort of... And we decided against it.

You know, it just seemed so...

Stupid!

You know what? I would love to spend this flight

just sort of relaxing,

catching up on some reading, kind of being by myself.

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey. You recognized me, you know?

You engaged me in conversation.

Believe me, if I could un-engage you...

You started in about the good room.

Mea culpa. Fine!

Move over. I gotta pee.

Excuse me, are there any empty seats on this plane anywhere?

I'm sorry, ma'am. We're all full up.

Hey! Occupado!

What are you, blowing glass in there?

Perfect.

I know, I know.

It's a little hot back here.

Daddy's trying to

do something about it. Okay.

Hey, buddy. Hi. Huh?

What's your name?

Uh, Paul.

Well, hey, what do you know?

My name's Earl.

Small world. Yeah.

Hey, do you mind if I hold your baby?

Oh, what was that?

I bet she stops crying.

You know, I'd rather not.

Come on, let me hold the baby. Come on.

Really, I'd rather not.

Um, let me ask you, Earl,

do you know how to work these fans?

Huh! Fans aren't the problem, my friend.

They're not? No.

Well, what's the problem?

First class.

The problem is first class.

They don't have any heat. They're cold.

So they're cranking it up back here

hoping that it wafts forward.

Well, that's not right.

Tip of the iceberg, my friend. Huh?

They got it great in first class.

They got the big seats,

they got the good forks,

they got the good orange slices.

What do you mean, the good orange slices?

Oh, you never seen the orange slices in first class?

They're the good ones.

None of that white flecky stuff

from the middle of the orange.

No, we get the slices with the white stuff.

I did not know that.

Yes.

Oh! Look at the baby.

Hello, little girl.

Oh, what's her name?

Mabel.

Oh, that's a lovely name.

Thank you. You know, 'cause we took a lot of heat for that.

Oh. Hello, Mabel.

Oh. Melissa, Kerri, come on. Come see the baby.

You snuggle-wuggle,

you're just a little pumpkin, that's what you are.

Oh, there's nothing more adorable

than a father traveling alone with his baby.

It's cute. Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, anything, anything we can get you, you let us know.

Sure. Thanks. Okay.

All right. Bye-bye, Mabel.

Bye-bye, pumpkin.

Oh, man, you blew it.

What?

They love you.

You're the adorable father traveling alone in 12-c.

You had the power to effect change,

and you blew it.

What are you talking about?

The heat.

Ask them about the heat.

Of course. Yeah, I should go do that.

I'll watch the kid.

That's okay. I'll take her with me.

All right, all right.

Come on, sweetie.

Oh, look who's here, it's your little friend.

I'm begging you. Okay.

Hi. Excuse me.

What are you doing here in first class?

You don't remember me?

Sir! Like ten seconds ago.

Look, sir... 12-c, single father.

Sir... Little Mabel.

Sir, this is first class.

You do not belong here.

No, I know, I just wanted to ask you a favor.

Miss Krbnsk...

Would you like beluga or sevruga tonight?

Beluga, of course.

Get out of here.

Oh, my god, is that Lindsay Krbnsk?

I'm not at liberty to say.

President of Columbia Pictures?

Sir, I've asked you nicely to return to coach class where you belong.

You gotta be the pope to get a meeting with Lindsay Krbnsk.

Sir. Get along back to coach.

I know, but I just wanted to ask you...

Hi.

Hello, little Mabel.

Sweet little Mabel.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Yes.

I just wanted to say the coach cabin is a little hot,

and the baby's getting uncomfortable,

so I was just wondering could we turn the heat down just a tad?

Oh, I'm sure I can manage that.

Anything else?

Uh...

Can you tell me, is that Lindsay Krbnsk?

Uh-huh.

Wow.

Anything else?

You know what? Hmm?

The guy behind me hasn't had

a decent orange in, like, apparently 12 years.

So could we find him something...

Oh, by all means. Yeah? Okay, great.

Anything else?

Uh...

Could I get the whole can of tomato juice?

Oh, sure.

Look at you! Hah!

Oh, I love you.

How you doin' back there, Earl? Little cooler now?

My God, it's like Switzerland in January.

Glad to hear it.

And this orange!

Pretty good, huh?

This is grade A citrus, my friend.

Enjoy.

You rang, Mr. Buchman?

Yes, um, I was wondering, what is the film today?

Oh, in coach it's broken,

and in first class, it's anything you want.

Hmm. Okay, let me ask you,

if I were to give you a tape

and ask you to suggest

to Lindsay Krbnsk that she watch it Ooh.

Could you do that for me?

Gee, I don't know.

You suggest it to her, she watches a little bit,

she doesn't like it, take it right out.

Mm, I don't know, because, you see...

You know what? And it's really not just me,

It's Mabel.

Mabel really wants Miss Krbnsk to see the film.

Oh.

Can Miss Krbnsk watch that?

Oh, yes, I'm sure she can. Okay.

Okay. Thanks very much.

Oh, I love you.

Oh... Oh...

Oh, good book.

Yeah. Yeah.

Terrible that he dies.

What? What are you looking at? Babies fuss.

No, no, no, I was just... What?

Nothing. I just miss my daughter.

Oh, you had a little girl.

Yeah. Mabel.

Oh, beautiful name.

Thank you. We took a lot of heat for that.

Oh, well, Byron was no day at the beach, believe me.

I bet. Hi.

You want to hold him?

Yeah. Can I? Sure.

Hi. Come here.

Come here. Hi, cutie.

You're pretty good at that. Thanks.

Will it be chicken or fish tonight?

Chicken. Chicken.

I'm sorry. We only have one chicken left.

Well, I'm having the chicken.

Um, okay.

I'm not dying to have fish, but...

If you think I'm eating airplane fish, you are wrong, wrong, wrong.

Byron, two words:

Good luck.

Give me him.

Okay. Two More words:

Boarding school.

All because a guy named Emil Buchman

looked around Vladivostok one day

and said to his wife,

"Gert, how do you feel about America?"

She liked it. Really?

Uh-huh. Oh, she's crying.

Oh, my, Oh, I love it when they cry.

Oh, you must be really excited to know that somebody...

What are you doing?

I was just gonna...

You just turn it right around, mister.

Go. Okay, okay, okay.

Stewardess?

Yes.

This was wonderful. Where did you find this?

I haven't heard a thing about it.

Well, actually, Miss Krbnsk,

the director is onboard this plane,

and he's traveling with the most adorable baby. So cute.

Let me ask you something.

Can you send him up here?

Up here? In first class? Yes.

But he's in coach. I understand, but send him up here.

But he's in coach.

Miss Krbnsk, hi.

Hi, I'm Paul Buchman.

I directed the film I think you just enjoyed.

Oh, hello, Paul!

Hello, very nice to meet you.

And this is little Mabel.

Oh, she really is cute.

Yeah. Oh.

Please, won't you sit down?

Really?

By all means.

Thank you so much.

Would you like some caviar?

Well...

Yes, please.

Beluga or sevruga?

Beluga.

And some chips, if you got 'em.

Well, it's a little nippy up here, isn't it?

Oh, yes, I know. I'm sorry.

Apparently some freak back in coach

made them turn down the heat actually.

Animals.

Whoo, this is soft.

Paul, I found your film utterly charming

and captivating and...

Uh! Wow.

Okay, Miss Krbnsk, you have no idea what that means to me.

Well, I know that I want to see you

first thing tomorrow morning

and discuss future projects.

Future projects?

I would love to do that.

And I love that you'd love to do it.

Well, then, I love that back, and let's do it.

Ok.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's just amazing what having a cute baby with you will do.

I mean, that stewardess, she was falling over herself to help me out.

Even when I slipped her the tape to give to you,

I said, "just give it to her." She couldn't help herself.

Yep. This one is really paying off.

Hang on a second.

You mean to tell me that you used your daughter

to manipulate the fragile sensibilities of a stewardess?

Bup-bup! No, I wouldn't say that.

You did. You plied Mabel's appeal

and took advantage of an employee's good will.

Bup-bup-bup! I don't know th...

You connived

in that way that people in my position hate more than life itself.

Bup! Bup-bup! No, it's... I didn't...

Bup-bup-bup! There was no...

Look, M. Buchman,

I can't condone

or reward this kind of behavior with a meeting.

You can't?

What kind of a professional would I be?

Uh, you'd be a kind professional,

Bup! A compassionate...

Bup-bup-bup-bup! Look, if there was...

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!

Bup! In fact...

Miss Krbnsk, is there a problem?

Well, I guess I should... Bup-bup!

I'm saying... Bup-bup!

Bup-bup-bup! I'm saying I should be going!

Okay. Let's go back to coach.

You know what? Bup-bup!

And what did you say? Separate planes.

That's right. To avoid what? A big disaster.

That's right. And what did I say? No separate planes.

That's right. And what happened? Big disaster.

Okay, so we're saying I would be... Right.

That's all I'm saying.

Okay. It's okay. It's okay to cry.

I know.

Because you're on a big airplane and it's scary.

It's scary to be on a plane, yes, it is.

It's okay. Cry. You let it out.

We understand how you feel. Oh, it's okay.

Would you like me to sing baa, baa, black sheepagain?

Excuse me.

♪ Baa, baa black sheep

♪ Have you any wool?

♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir

♪ Three Bags full

♪ One for ♪