Original subtitles

"And all of the animals stopped and listened to the wonderful sound.

"They had never heard anything so beautiful.

"It was a special day in the forest.

"It was the day Billy the Bullfrog got back his croak.

"The end."

Huh? What do you think of that story?

Ew! Next time, just a little thumbs down will do fine.

♪ Mmm mmm mmm

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true this time

♪ 'Cause I don't have the answers

♪ I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you, So, baby

♪ Help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here?

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier

♪ Ah ha ha

Okay, why?

Why would Al Gore come to New York City

When he knows all it's gonna do is screw up traffic

and make everybody angry at him?

He's gonna be on Conan.

Oh, that's right. Plugging the new Al Gore cologne.

Come on. We should leave early

if we want to make it on time to the restaurant.

Right.

I wonder what this new "boyfriend" is like

your mother wants us to meet.

He is not her "boyfriend".

At no time did she use the word "boyfriend".

She called him her "Gentleman friend".

Gentleman friend?

So, in other words, they're not, like...

Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't do that.

There's tuna salad.

No, no, thank you.

I... I was just... just wondering.

What?

How close you are to, you know,

using the bottle at all, to any degree?

Soon.

'Cause...

I know soon, but, like... Like when?

Like soon. I don't wanna give this up.

I love this.

Who's saying give it up? I would never say give it up.

I'm saying... Augment.

Augment.

The bottle in addition to the breast.

Yes, but once they get ahold of the bottle,

some babies lose interest in the breast.

She'd have to be nuts.

I would miss this time with her so much.

It's just sweet, intimate...

Ow!

Even so.

It's just, you know, when I see you feeding her,

you guys... you're so close.

You're close to her. You change her, you clean her.

I'm close to the bottom of her.

I'd like to be close to the top of her.

I want some action on the way in.

Soon.

'Cause, you know, nutritionally, the bottle is fine.

I know. Soon.

Plus, you'd be able to keep, you know, your clothes on in public,

Which we used to enjoy.

Soon.

Okay. But you're definitely gonna do it, right?

Soon.

In India, a hurricane might be called a mon...

Soon. Soon, yes.

Can you believe it? She... She won't even

let me feed my own child.

Don't you understand?

As far as the kid is concerned, you are done.

Okay?

Finished.

I mean, from now on, you are just the guy who sits in the chair

and smells increasingly odd

as the years go by.

Everybody, say hello to Mr. Buchman.

Hey-hey.

Hi, Mr. Buchman.

Hello, team. How are you doing?

Oh, everybody say, thank you, Mr. Buchman.

Thank you, Mr. Buchman.

What is this?

Paulie, I give you the Turtle Bay Rangers,

newest entry in the midtown

Youth Hockey League,

Sponsored by...

Buchman's sporting goods.

Well, that's so cool.

Yeah. They've come here for their last-minute pep talk.

Oh. From you, of course, Mr. Hockey.

All right, men.

In just a short while,

you will be faced with the greatest athletic challenge

of your young lives

against your sworn enemy,

The Murray Hill Red Wings.

Now, each of you may be wondering

how you're gonna hold up

in the heat of the battle.

Well, until that opening face-off,

you cannot know for sure.

So what I want to tell you is this:

You do what you feel.

Okay?

If you're tired, slow down.

Huh?

If you're afraid of the puck, run away.

And, if you feel like giving up, remember:

Sometimes you really should.

All right? All right!

Let's go out there and play some hockey! All right?

Ice cream if you lose!

Yay!

"Ice cream if you lose"?

I was just being realistic.

You could've held out the possibility that they could win.

What, have you ever seen them play?

That is very generous of you

that you would sponsor the kids like that.

Eh, well, believe me...

I'll get my investment back.

Why? What does that mean?

Well, you know, nothin'. It's just...

It's good advertising, plus...

Plus what?

Nothin'.

What?

Paulie, let's just say that if the Rangers lose,

I win.

Did you fix a youth hockey game?

Come on, they're gonna lose anyway.

Only one of 'em can actually skate,

and then only in a big circle to his left.

Hey, boss, what's the spread on the kids' hockey game?

Oh, and what a fine influence you are on others.

Hey, everybody. Hiya.

There's my girls.

Sorry we're late. Miserable traffic.

Yeah, well, you know,

Al Gore, king of late night.

We tried 6th, 8th,

10th, 12th,

the west side highway... All jammed.

Just miserable masses of people...

Honey. What?

Not... Not in the stockroom.

Sweetie, when my breasts hear a crying child,

which they have since 14th street,

very quickly the bar is open.

Yeah, but she just ate before.

I'm breastfeeding my child. Would you get over yourself?

Ow!

Paulie...

Jamie should feel completely comfortable

breastfeeding around me.

Oh.

Okay. Admit. Come on, admit it.

This makes you crazy.

You don't know whether you should be embarrassed

or aroused or thirsty.

You don't even know where to put your eyes.

Admit it. Do it.

It doesn't make me the least bit uncomfortable.

Get get... You're a big liar.

Marvin, come on.

You, Marvin, who lives with your mother.

This...

This has gotta make you crazy, doesn't it?

Not at all.

As a matter of fact, I find it very calming and healthy.

All right. You know what?

Just do something else, will ya? Get outta here.

Uncle Ira, I forgot my cup.

Oh, hey, don't look there. Don't look...

Don't look, don't look there.

What? The kid's gotta eat.

Yeah. Okay.

You know what?

You don't fool me, none of you.

One little burp

while mommy puts her bosoms away.

It's the knicks by five at the half.

Hi! Hey, Mom.

Hi. Where's my granddaughter?

Where is she?

Look who's here.

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Look how big she's getting.

She's so beautiful.

Could we have some ice water for the table, please?

I beg your pardon.

Uh, some ice water and some breadsticks, please.

I'd love to help you, if only I worked here.

Patrick, come here.

Look at that...

Look at that face. Did you ever see anything so beautiful?

So you're not the waiter?

Waiter?

Oh, no, honey. This is Patrick.

Patrick, this is my daughter Jamie and my son-in-law Paul.

Oh, pleasure to meet you.

The gentleman friend.

Guilty as charged.

I-I-I-I-I...

Not at all.

Well, we'd better order.

Patrick has to get to a matinee.

Oh, what are you going to see?

Oh, no, no, no.

He's in the matinee.

He's in Lord of the Dance.

You're a Lord of the Dance dancer.

And I might add, the very best one in the show.

Oh, come now.

No, you are.

Frankly... he's better than the Lord.

Theresa, please. No, well, you are.

I mean, the Lord is a good dancer,

but you're a better one.

Better dancer than the Lord.

Are you familiar with the show?

Oh, it's got wonderful staging

and brilliant stories, lovely music.

Yeah, it's supposed to be, like, magically delicious.

But, uh, we couldn't get tickets.

Oh, well, you can now.

Quite so. I'll see to it.

A dancer? THERESA: Uh-huh.

He's a dancer. I was a dancer.

I mean...

Look at us. What are the odds?

I would say long.

I'd say the odds were long.

Sweetie. Yeah, what?

I'm starving. What looks good here?

You know what I think you'd enjoy here, love, is the shepherd's pie.

Shepherd's pie. Mm-hmm.

Sounds Irish.

And good.

Oh, it's marvelous.

It's marvelous. It's a real treat.

And not just for the shepherd.

Okay, so here's a question:

Uh, how... How did you two meet?

Well, he'd just finished doing the show... Well, I'd just finished...

No, no, you tell it. No, you tell it.

'Tis lovelier told by you.

Oh, somebody tell it.

All right. Well, I went to see the show...

Uh, Lord of the Dance.

Lord of the Dance.

And I found myself sitting there

absolutely enraptured.

"Enraptured"?

Yes.

"Enraptured."

Yeah, so... So, Patrick, how long have you been in New York?

Oh, six months. And you're here till...

Indefinitely.

Oh. Aces. Sweetie...

So just so I understand this,

You two would be what? The phrase would be what?

You're dating?

Courting?

Kidding?

Sweetie, you know...

Did you know

that Patrick was voted all-county dancer

when he was only five years old?

Really? And that was, like, what, ten years ago?

Sweetie... What'd I say?

Jamie, don't start.

What? What did I say? I just said he was young.

That's enough. Have I insulted you?

It's not an insult to say you're a young man.

That's more than enough.

What? You're having a December-May romance.

Sweetie.

Or in this case December-early March, but...

Bingo!

Let's go, Patrick.

You just couldn't help yourself, could you?

The shepherd's pie. Maybe we'll get some shepherd's pie.

Oh, now, why would you want to go and do a thing like that?

Well, we can forget about those free tickets now, Ollie.

Mom?

Mom.

What? You're not speaking to me now?

I'm old. I can't hear you.

Oh, hi, Jamie.

Hi, Patrick.

Don't you talk to him.

And off. And one, two, three, four.

Mom, I'm sorry, but what are you doing,

dating a guy the square root of your age?

And just who are you to judge me?

I'm your daughter.

And one...

Listen, Missy,

I don't need your approval.

Of course you do.

No, I don't.

I just assumed that since I'm happy when you're happy,

you should be happy when I'm happy.

But, mom, you're making a mistake.

This is my life!

Well, maybe... Whoa!

Look, Patrick happens to be one terrific guy.

Mom, when he's 60, you'll be 80.

Look, I'm not marrying him. I'm only sleeping with him!

Hey, hey, hey!

If you do marry him, when he's 80, you'll be 100.

Whoa! Whoa!

When he's 96, you'll be 116.

When he's 320, you're gonna be 340.

Now that should be the worst problem in my life that I ever have,

that I'm a 340-year-old woman dating a younger man.

All right. Mom...

What is it you want me to do, Jamie, huh?

Do you want me to go home and sit in my room alone for the next 290 years?

No, no, no. Of course not, no.

Well, all right.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Um, Patrick, I'd like to apologize to you as well.

Hold that notion for a moment if you would, Jamie.

It's, uh, curtain-call time.

Oh, sure. Fine. Is that all right?

Oh, go, go, go.

Should we...

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, oh, oh, I know that sound.

Oh, and I also know that, sadly,

Mommy doesn't knock.

Oh, please, let it be a soliciting wet nurse.

Uh...

Boy, they played their little hearts out, Paulie.

I really felt for 'em, you know,

but they'll always be champions to me.

Hey, you got change for a 50?

I got a big problem here. What?

Baby is starving. Jamie's not home yet.

So what's the big deal? Give her a bottle.

Oh, you don't understand a thing, do you?

It's a very big deal. We've never given her a bottle.

Haven't given her a bottle ever.

And, you know, for Jamie,

emotionally, that's a big step.

Yeah.

Okay, okay. You wanna go back in here?

Okay, okay.

You just... All right.

Well, you know...

Sweetie, if I could lactate, you'd be so happy.

And I'd be in a circus.

Oh! Fixer! IRA: What?

Corrupter!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't you lie to me, fixer! I saw you smirking

after every Red Wing goal. Didn't!

I saw you high-fiving Marvin. Wouldn't!

I saw you take that wad of money

from the father from the other team.

You saw that, did you? Fixer!

All right, Frannie, come on. We apologize. We really do.

We? Yeah, Paulie, Marvin and I,

we've made a horrible mistake. Hey!

You? A father, in on it?!

No. No! You ruiner, you!

You adverse influencer!

Okay. First of all, you calm down.

And also, by the way, you're a heck of a guy.

Boys, do you have something to say to the two Mr. Buchmans?

Thank you, Mr. Buchmans.

No, no, the other thing!

Tell the two Mr. Buchmans how disillusioned you are.

Our hearts are broken, Mr. Buchmans.

I hope it was worth it.

Fran, I... Frannie, please...

Don't even try it. I break with thee.

Both of thee.

And for God's sake, that baby's hungry. Feed her.

Frannie, before you break with me, one quick question.

Jamie's late, so do you think...

Do you think it would be okay if, without asking her first

I gave the baby the bottle for the first time?

You're gonna do that?

I'm thinking I might.

It's a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen,

commuter service will be temporarily delayed

due to the visit of Vice President Al Gore.

God!

Are you okay? Oh, yeah.

My kid is hungry.

No, no, no. I'm nursing.

My daughter's at home, and she's hungry.

Oh, man. How old?

Three Months.

You know, you really should consider

introducing the bottle.

Okay, you know... You know I'm just saying,

three months, at a certain point, you gotta cut the cord.

And the last time you gave birth would be when?

By the way, five across is not "Gridma."

All right, all right, all right.

"What to do if your baby is hungry

"and your wife said she'd be home in an hour

"and turns out she's a big fat liar."

Amazingly, they don't have that.

Paulie, books suck.

You know what, give me the phone.

All right, here we go.

Let her suck on your finger, 'cause it pacifies her.

Are you serious?

No, that's a big prank.

Okay.

Wow! She could take my arm off at the elbow.

Hello. PAUL: Hey, Pop.

Hey, it's me. Is mom there?

No, she's at the damn pottery barn again.

Okay, this is really more of a mom question.

Club soda, and feather it with a tissue.

Uh, no, I don't think that's gonna work here.

Here's the problem: Jamie's not home yet, the baby's hungry.

And we've never given her the bottle yet,

and Jamie really wants it that way,

so I don't even know what I'm supposed to do.

Feed her.

You think? Let me tell you a little story.

Your mother was dead set against getting an electric can opener.

Dead set. It was the antichrist to her.

Yeah. I bought it.

She never even noticed it.

Pop, you're a very smart man.

Sure. Okay, thanks, bye.

All right, you know what?

You watch the baby. I'm gonna make the formula.

This is amazing. She can totally hang from my finger.

For God's sake.

What goes in first, the powder or the water?

Huh? The water, the water,

'cause you gotta stir the water

while you add in the powder.

Just dump it in first.

Paulie, what smells, huh?

That's this. That's what it smells like.

That can't be right. Everything for a baby smells good.

What... What's the expiration date?

No, that's exactly

how it's supposed to smell.

I... I read about this.

Yeah? Yeah, I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing. Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. How's the temperature?

Temperature? Yeah?

That's not bad. Yeah? Taste it.

How is it?

You long for the days

when you were just smelling it.

Okay. Here we go, here we go.

We're gonna be all right.

Daddy has made such a feast for you.

Oh, my goodness, a feast.

It's gonna be all right.

It's gonna be a little different,

but it's gonna be all right.

Paulie, are you sure about this? Yes.

Really? Yes. Would you shut up?

My child is hungry, and I'm gonna feed her.

Just... Just sit down and don't talk.

All right. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

All right. Look what daddy made for you.

It's Father's milk.

Try it. You might like it.

You might like it.

Yeah.

Oh, look at that.

Look at that.

Ohh. This is great.

Can I do it?

Could you possibly have like the smallest sense of the moment, please?

Sorry.

Yeah.

That's my girl.

Ohhh, thank God.

Sorry, but we were really, really hungry.

Starving. And so I'm sorry,

really sorry, really sorry.

Thank God you did it. Really?

Well, looks like she likes it.

Yeah, okay, but now that you're home...

No, no, no, no.

Really? Go ahead.

You sure?

You're doing great.

Okay.

All right. Mmm.

Ow!

Ooh! Kidding.

I'm just so glad you're here,

'cause I've wanted shepherd's pie

for, like, five scenes now.

I never got it, don't know how to do it,

So just... Thank you. So, what do we do?

Well, first you add your suet.

Suet. Okay. There you go.

Then you put in your kidneys.

Kidneys.

Don't be shy. Put 'em all in. All right.

Do you have any more entrails?

Entr... JAMIE: I don't...

No, no entrails.

All right. Then put in the stick of butter.

Butter.

Now you add your gristle.

Gristle? Yes.

Well, you're the shepherd.

I'm just so glad you're here,

'cause I wanted shepherd pie

for, like, five scenes now.

I never got it, and I don't know how to do it,

So just... Thank you. So, what do we do?

Well, first you add your suet.

Suet. Okay.

There you go.

Then you put in your kidneys.

Kidneys.

Don't be shy. Put 'em all in. All right.

Do you have any more entrails?

Entr... I don't...

No, no entrails.

All right. Then put in the stick of butter.

Butter.

Now, you add your gristle.

Gristle? Yes.

Well, you're the shepherd.