Original subtitles

What's the number?

1-200-wok-kwik.

1-200...

Wok. W-o-k...

There's no "q."

It's with a "kw."

Kwick. Uh, K-W-I-C-K.

K-W-I-K. No "C."

Okay, so how is this faster?

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart"

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true this time

♪ 'Cause I don't have the answers I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, baby, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

You know what? Here's a memo to sharper image.

Nobody needs a $6,000 gumball machine.

When the electric bill comes in bright red ink, that's bad, right?

Generally speaking, that's not... good.

Hey, guess what?

I thought you paid this.

I'm a genius.

"Interruption in service if not paid by the 9th?"

That's today.

Sweetie, you know the Vandergraft Foundation? No.

Yes, you do. Every year they give out the genius awards.

Never heard of them.

Well, be that as it may,

they have reviewed my body of work,

including my latest film, Buchman,

and they have decided... I'm a genius.

You're married to a genius,

Hence, I am... a genius.

That's great, sweetie.

"That's great, sweetie." That's what you have to say about that?

You're gonna be a genius fumbling around in the dark if you don't pay this by today.

What would I have to do to impress you at this point?

Oh, I think it got a little bit cooler.

I don't think you understand the full magnitude.

I think it's a little too cold for a walk in the park with just your jacket.

What do you think, Mabel?

A genius right here in your lobby.

Maybe we need to try to put on a little sweater underneath your jacket.

What do you think? What did we talk about before about layers?

She doesn't completely understand you. You know that, right?

It doesn't matter. Every time you talk to a child, their brain grows.

You know what? That's probably true.

Think of how much my mother talks, look at my brains.

Hey, Patrick, be careful! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Be careful. Watch.

I want a banana.

Sorry to be taking over the lobby.

That's okay.

Have a cracker.

Hi. I'm Sarah Mckay.

Hi. Hi.

This is my gang.

I'm Jamie. This is Paul Buchman.

We're in 11-D.

Hello. Hi.

Nice to meet you. This is little Mabel.

Wow, she's really bundled up there.

Well, it's gonna go into the 40s later... cooler at the shore.

Mom!

Tell me you have help.

Yeah.

We have a daddy, but he moved to Seattle with his masseuse, Daphne.

Okay, sweetheart.

Sorry.

Hey, sweetie, there you go.

Wow, I've never seen one of those before.

Yep. They're pictures of the U.S. Presidents,

and when you spin 'em, they play their famous speeches.

Really?

Cool.

Never too early for a history lesson, right?

Yeah. Whatever.

Mabel likes Ike.

And yet, ironically, she voted for Stevenson, so...

Would you like the name of the catalog?

Okay, sure.

Great, pen. Do you have a pen?

Wait a minute. I never leave home without a crayon.

Oh, great. Um...

Paper's another thing.

Just a second, I must have something in here.

Claire, look, your banana.

Okay, but you know what?

Here's a check, and my phone number's on the front.

Great. Oh, look, you got the bighorn sheep.

Remember how much I wanted those.

Not a day goes by.

Okay, gang, come on. We're outta here.

Okay, well, I'll call you this afternoon.

Terrific. Okay.

Very nice to meet you all. Yeah, even you.

Mommy, it's cold!

Oh, come on. It's good for you.

Wow.

Yeah.

All right, so that's, like, us in six or seven years, knock wood.

Hah! Not quite. Why not?

Hopefully you will not be living in another city with your masseuse,

and I will not be feeding our underdressed children linty crackers.

Yeah, but besides that.

All right. Get the door, Einstein.

Don't say it if you don't mean it.

You? Yep.

A genius award? That's right, my friend.

Come on.

Does it not say it right there on the paper?

Well, there's got to be some kind of clerical error or something.

Well, it's perfectly conceivable.

I mean, somewhere somebody in the world

has got to be a genius, right?

So... Who's to say that I couldn't be a genius? There's no reason.

You're a big genius. Give me that thing.

It seems to be stuck.

Give me that!

Genius.

Okay. Just so happens very often, you know,

geniuses are not necessarily skilled at menial tasks.

Yeah, uh-huh.

That's true. You know Mozart?

Very skilled at the piano.

Constantly losing his flute.

Ma, dad, hi, it's me.

Sorry I missed you. Just called to say,

you know, nothing. To say hi. How you doing?

And, uh, tell you I'm a genius, so call me.

Geez, okay, Pauly, so great, man,

all we gotta do is get your "okay" on this

and we are done, my friend.

Uh, okay, good, just a second.

Debbie? Hi, it's me.

Uh, just wanted to know when I was at your house last week,

did I, by any chance, leave my windbreaker?

It's a blue windbreaker with a plaid lining.

I wanted to ask you that. And what else did I want to tell you?

Oh, yeah, I'm a genius, too. All right, so call me.

Geez, Pauly, please.

Oh, let me enjoy it, would you?

How often does a person get this kind of recognition?

All right, but look. How about this poster, huh?

It turned out great, didn't it?

It's all right.

It's exactly what we said.

You know, it is, but I'm just looking at it now with fresh eyes

and just rolling it around my brain.

I'm wondering if we can't beat the theme line.

"Buchman: come meet the family."

It's a terrific theme line.

Eh!

What?

It's fantastic. It tells what the movie is.

It's inviting. It's clear.

Ah... What?

Is it genius?

Come on. What are you say... are you serious?

Well, I, you know, let me just... Off the top of my head.

Let me just spitball a little bit, all right?

Run this right by you. All right?

Here we go. Buchman family tree.

I'm proposing Buchman: from a single leaf.

Yes.

Just... just that. From a single leaf.

Buchman: from a single leaf. What?

From a single leaf. Tree, leaf, tree, leaf.

Tree to leaf. Tree... it's a leaf!

From a single Buchman immigrant comes all this.

It has to be clear, okay?

It has to explain exactly what the movie is.

Well, I'm just trying to think if we can't do something a little spe...

All right, how about this?

What?

Just now.

Buchman: a few droplets in the rain barrel of humanity.

You got the rain. You got humanity. Everything is there.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Clear! Clear!

Apollo 13. Houston, we have a problem.

All right. Okay. All right.

Again. Just came to me. Ready?

Yeah. From me to you. I'm giving it to you right now.

Buchman...

Where does it go? What does it mean?

Hey, how about this?

Buchman: "for external use only."

Hey. Hey.

Sorry to bother you. No.

I need that check back.

Oh, okay. It's my last one.

Wee!

No, Claire, no, hon, that's for the firemen.

All right. Hey, Sarah. Hello.

All right. We're all set tomorrow at Chez Philip.

You, me, mom, dad, Ira, Deb.

Little celebration dinner.

What are you celebrating?

Oh, I just won a little award

from the Vandergraft Foundation.

What, a genius award?

Do they call it that? I was not aware.

That's really great.

Well, you know. Whatever.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

You don't want to know.

Okay, here you go.

Okay. Well, thanks.

Okay. Okay.

See you later.

You know, I have these four tickets

to the New York liberty game tonight.

Is that something you would be interested in,

or are you sick of me already?

No, we'd love that!

We love the WNBA.

You know who loves women's basketball? My cousin, Ira.

Okay, Sarah, I don't know if this is anything

you'd be interested in, but...

If he's straight, I'm in.

Wow! Really?

Paul, what do you think?

I think he's straight.

I mean about the two of them.

Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely.

Excellent. It'll be a double-date.

Oh, don't call it that though. No.

Okay, it's not a date.

No, it is, but don't call it that

'cause it makes everybody crazy.

You're right. No date.

Oh, oh, Nora, sweetie.

Nora, that's okay.

It's okay. You just got scared.

You got scared 'cause the doggy barked.

The only way the doggy can communicate with you

is to bark. Jamie!

See you at 7:00.

Okay, these four.

What, are you kidding me? How did you get these seats?

Well, actually, I do media relations for the team.

Well, hosanna, hosanna, hosanna to you.

Stop it. Sit down.

Hey, I don't sit this close at pickup games at the Y.

It's like a totally different game from this distance.

It's incredible. You can see their facial expressions.

Rebecca Lobo!

Yeah. Wow!

She's pretty, too.

Who is that? Hey, is that Fyvush Finkel?

Oh, yeah, he's a fan.

Huh.

Yeah, we don't get the Jack Nicholson's

or the Spike Lee's just yet, but we're getting there.

Is that Rupaul?

Maybe.

Wow! If that's him, she looks great.

I'm telling you, that guy is a genius.

All right, if you overuse the word,

all you do is diminish its meaning.

Oh, do you want to meet Bella Abzug?

Yes. Okay, be right back?

All righty.

Oh, nice.

Hey, have I been watching too many Disney films,

Or is he just dreamy?

Oh, probably both.

Tell you, Pauly, there is something about an athletic woman, you know?

Just stop right there, would you? Don't even go there.

These women are 11 feet taller than you.

So what? Maybe they prefer a more petite man.

Why?

Why would they prefer a petite man?

Because it makes them feel more powerful.

They already have their power.

She could kill you.

I know. I love that.

Hi.

Hey. How was Bella?

Great and we met Rick Springfield.

Wow!

Hey, Rebecca. REBECCA: Hey, Sarah, how's it going?

Great. I want you to meet some friends of mine.

Good luck, tonight. We're big fans.

Oh, yeah, actually, as a matter of fact,

I am loco for Lobo.

Thank you.

Or if you will... crazy for the wolf.

I understand.

You have a great game, huh?

Thanks. I'll try.

Okay. I enjoyed that.

She's lovely, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to welcome your New York Liberty!

Hey, Lobo!

I got next!

All right, let me try this.

What?

Buchman. Family. Just add water.

What?

You just add water because when you

bring an immigrant across water,

you get a whole new family history.

Who exactly did you beat out for this award?

That was fun, the game.

Yeah, it was.

Where did you disappear to afterwards?

Well, little errands. Little errand I had to run.

What kind of little errand?

A little phone number I had to get.

Whose phone number? Sarah's?

Little Rebecca Lobo phone number.

Get out of here!

Hey, hey, hey. Read it and yearn.

You blew off your date to get another woman's phone number?

My date? Who was my date?

Sarah? The woman who sat next to you

and laughed at every marginally funny thing you said for three hours.

She was my date?

We didn't tell you it was a date

because she didn't want it to be awkward.

Well, congratulations. I was totally comfortable.

You know, you got to tell a person when they're on a date, don't you?

Well, we foolishly figured

that you could cull it from the context.

What do you want from me? You know, me and Sarah, we didn't connect.

You started to before you went loco for Lobo.

No more than she went ballistic for Buchman.

Uh-huh.

You just can't stand in the way of chemistry, James.

You and Rebecca Lobo... a perfect match.

Well, you never know.

We had a terrific conversation, she and I.

I learned a great deal about her.

She got her degree in poli-sci.

Her father's father is from Cuba.

She's, uh, an avid golfer, a voracious reader,

and, uh, her dislikes include rude people,

ceiling fans, and polka music.

Okay. Okay.

Here it is. Buchman: when you look in the mirror

and there's no one there,

how come that is?

I'm gonna kill her. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna kill Rebecca Lobo. I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna look her in the kneecap,

and I'm gonna say, "What gives?"

I'm really sorry this happened.

She saw me with him.

I introduced her to him.

Mom, James and the Giant Peachsucks.

We can always turn it off.

No! No!

Boy, they sure like their TV, huh?

Oh, thank god.

You know, Paul and I were thinking it might be better

if Mabel actually didn't watch any TV at all.

Nope. You're absolutely right.

We'll talk when she's four.

I mean, she sees that I'm with a guy.

You know, what's she thinking?

I know. I know, sweetie.

I know you want your music box.

I know. I see that you're frustrated.

It must be very hard.

What do you say to them

when they just fixate on one thing,

and you want to give it to them, but you can't?

I say, "Get over it," but that's just me.

Can I impose on you for just a little while

to watch the kids?

Sure. Where you going?

I'm going to get me a stepladder

and give Ms. Lobo a piece of my mind.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I'm sure.

I just... I couldn't watch that anymore.

Way to go, baby!

Hey, you're with Rebecca?

Yeah. Oh, hi, I'm Jim.

I'm with Cindy Billups.

Ira, how you doing?

Hey, I'm Tony. I'm with Peggy Hughes.

Tony, what's up?

All right. Daniel, I'm with Slippy Hardaway.

Daniel, how's it going?

I'm just praying we can hang on and win this thing.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, did the girls say they're playing golf tomorrow?

I think so. Yeah.

Slippy and I haven't had any alone time in, like, weeks.

Talk to me, boyfriend.

Rebecca Lobo at the line.

Two Shots.

Eddie, Eddie, guess what?

I spoke to Rebecca...

And she asked me to make sure

you play polka music when she's at the free throw line

which she is, right now.

So? Really?

'Cause he told me if I ever played a polka

during the game, she'd have my head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but that's from before.

No, that's all over.

Really?

Eddie, why in heaven would I make something like that up?

Louder, Eddie. Play it louder.

Oh, Nora, what a cutie you are.

Okay, I don't get it. They live in a giant peach?

Yeah. You know what, Patrick?

Let's turn off the TV. Maybe we can do some reading.

Oh, Mabel, Mabel, sweetie, it's okay.

Whee, I'm going to play soccer.

Wheeee!

Claire, maybe don't kick the ball in here.

You know what? You're not helping at all. Claire!

It seems to me it's kind more of an outside game.

Maybe you... we could take you to...

Goal!

Patrick, it's so good that you're excited for your sister.

Do you have any other tapes?

I mean, this tape is ridiculous. It's about...

Soccer! I want to play soccer!

Just give me one... All right!

Mabel... Relax.

You, sit down.

Here, eat these.

One more bark out of you, you're going to live on a farm.

Sit down. Watch James and the giant peach

and somehow deal with the fact

that they live in a giant peach. All right?

All right. All right?

All right. All right.

Hey!

What happened?

The electric bill. I'm going to kill him.

One child.

What was that?

We are having one child and one child only.

Okay.

Just thought you should know.

All right. Everybody, if you would,

now that we're all here, please raise your glasses

and I just... I want to thank you all

for coming to celebrate my news

and I got to say I'm not that surprised

that I won the award.

Oh, my God.

I always knew you were a genius.

Did you really?

Yes. Since you got that "A" in English.

And after Debbie, that was really like a miracle.

Ma!

Okay, okay, okay, let's not...

Hey, this is just so typical.

Oh, please, Debbie, don't get started.

Oh!

Happy, happy.

Why don't you just admit it?

You always thought Paul was smarter.

No, Deb, I don't think that's what's being said here.

Debbie was always very popular.

You see? You see what I'm saying?

Deb, nobody's comparing us.

We're not comparing you to me.

We're simply here to celebrate that, in and of itself,

I am extraordinary.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what?

I have to be somewhere.

Where? Borneo.

Deb... Shut up.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Debbie, come on.

Come on, Debbie. He didn't mean it.

Clam?

I mean, how did she ever get it in her head

that I think you're smarter than her?

Well, do you? Do you think I'm smarter than her?

Yes, but the point is how did she ever get it in her head?

Well, you know, if I may,

maybe... Maybe you could have given a little more care to protect her feelings.

Are you telling me this is my fault?

No, I'm just thinking, you know,

that you could rise above the fray. You be the big person...

Are you telling me how to raise my child?

No, not at all. Who do you think you are?

Mother, I'm simply saying...

Burt, get the coats!

Well, what about the garlic bread?

Burt, get the coats!

You know, I want to tell you something.

There's genius and then there's wise guy.

Ira: Aunt Syl, come on. Don't take offense. Aunt Syl!

Well, they really didn't take what I said

in the spirit in which it was intended.

I'm really trying to give them the benefit of my perspective.

Which, not to be egotistical,

I think that coming from me, at this point in time...

Would you excuse me?

What?

What is it with people?

I don't know. You know, Pauly, listen.

I hope you don't mind. I had to drop the poster at the printer. Right?

I went with Buchman: Come Meet the Family.

Really?

It's gonna be fine.

I'm just wondering, should we add something to it?

Maybe at the bottom.

Winner of the Vandergraft genius award.

Huh? Something like that?

Huh? The seminal work from our genius.

Stop!

The stuff of genius.

Okay. All right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a second!

They have never gotten me.

Okay, baby, here we go.

Show us what you got.

Sure?

Am I sure? Absolutely. You got nothing.

You got nada. Zip.

All right, Ira.

All right, first of all, you traveled.

Secondly, I'm in, like, Hush Puppies here.

Come on. Let's go.

All right.

You play miniature golf?

No, miniature golf.

No. Uh, backgammon? Parcheesi? Checkers?

Any sitting games?