Original subtitles

Okay. Make a wish.

Okay.

What did you wish for?

Ah, it doesn't matter.

What did you wish for?

Ah, I wished we had more chicken.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

I'm just saying, if it were me,

I'd be offended.

And I don't see what there is to be offended about here.

I mean, it's Debbie and Joan.

You invite them to dinner,

and then you ask them to bring dinner?

Yeah, okay, but not a bad deal for you and me.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Uh, if you two don't mind,

I'd like to start taping our sessions.

Fine. Oh.

Why?

Oh, there's nothing to be alarmed about.

The tapes will complement my notes and really help our work.

I know, but, eh...

Okay.

Okay. Now where were we?

Paul was taking advantage of his sister.

That's the first thing you wanna say on the tape?

Paul, just pretend the tape isn't here.

I, uh...

Okay, um... My sister...

No, uh, yeah, I was j...

I was trying to simply make life a little easier

for the new parents.

Honey, we're hardly new parents.

Ah, we're new.

We're not new. We've been parents for months.

Yeah, but... we're new, you and me.

What are you talking about?

We just... We haven't,

You know, we haven't seen a movie since,

like, Ben-Hur.

We've seen Fran and Mark once,

and that was to get their car washed.

And... sex.

You know, sex is like Canada.

It's right there, but we never go.

Paul, these things take time.

And I'm happy to take the time.

I got nothin' but time.

Time is on my side.

Okay.

Paul Buchman: healthiest man alive.

What if I said I thought I was ready?

Ready for what, baby?

Ready for sex.

Can you play that back?

Because I think I am.

Ready for sex?

Yes.

Well, I'd say,

Much more fun than getting Fran and Mark's car washed,

But B: I thought you said we have to wait 6 months.

Um...

What was that? What was that?

What was that?

What was what?

That little look. You guys just shared a look.

Right there! You just did it again!

What was that?

Okay. Sheila and Jamie shared a look.

I did say that we have to wait six months.

I remember.

So that was a little bit of an overstatement.

Like a lie?

No. No, no, no.

Uh... uh, actually, yes.

Really? And you were in on this?

Paul, it's important that Jamie not feel any pressure from you.

This is a big step.

So when could sex have begun, began?

Begun? Commenced?

Uh... six weeks after Mabel was born.

Six weeks?

I'm so sorry.

Not six months, but rather six weeks?

I couldn't be more sorry.

Week 7... Week 8...

Weeks 9 through 120,000...

We could have been having sex?

I wasn't ready.

I... you know, I understand.

It's just that the thought of it was so

Enough said. Repulsive.

Recorder's on.

The important thing is, I'm ready now.

You're ready. Yeah, but ready like what?

Ready, like, "All right, maybe I'll look at a dessert menu"?

Or ready, like... "Oh, boy, cake!"

I would... Like some cake.

Really?

I want cake.

Okay, 'cause I got cake.

I got nothin' but cake.

I'm... I'm a big baker.

Paul, let's not start thinking

this is gonna be some kind of big free-for-all.

I beg your pardon?

Well, Jamie's still liable to have some anxiety, so take it easy.

Show some restraint. Reign it in.

Excuse me.

I have all kinds of restraint.

I mean, have I said anything to you about this?

Have I just... no, truly, have I?

Have I said one thing? One thing?

Paul? What?

This is a form of pressure.

No. But just, you back me up.

Have I said or done anything to pressure you?

No.

No. A request? A suggestion?

No. Have I hugged you funny?

He's done nothing.

Thank you.

And I mean nothing.

What's that?

Well, you could show a little interest.

What?

How do you think it makes a person feel?

I have so much to absorb.

It's just with the pregnancy and the birth,

all the changes in my body, everything you've seen.

How do I know if you're still... Oh, sweetie, sweetie,

Please. Trust me.

I find you every bit as sexy and as attractive

and as desirable as the day I met you.

Really?

Yeah. More. More so.

I mean, it's not just wanting you.

Here's want...

Here's me.

So it's like want,

need,

urgency, and

covet.

That's where I'm at now. I covet you.

Do you understand? I covet you.

You're my wife, yet I covet you.

Not my neighbor's wife. You.

In my head, six commandments I'm breakin' right now, just

Uh, Paul?

And yet at your pace.

You're gonna love this place,

Best pizza in the city.

Who invites you to dinner and then asks you to bring dinner?

They're new parents. Let it go. Not that new.

Care for a flyer?

No. Thank you. Take a flyer.

I don't need a flyer. I'm already here.

Well, they won't let me leave until all these flyers are gone.

Take the flyer.

I'm sorry. I don't want one.

They're watching me, lady. I can feel them.

Take a flyer.

I said, no, thank you. Here you go.

This is the pizza you love?

Debbie, just take a flyer. I don't want a flyer.

It's really good pizza.

What? Are you too good for a flyer?

Just take a flyer so we can go in.

Oh, now you're on his side.

Why don't you just make it easy on everyone

and take a flyer?

I said I don't want it!

Oh, you want it.

Excuse me?

Take a flyer. You have a real problem.

Take two! Tell a friend!

I don't want a flyer!

And if you don't get out of my way,

I'm gonna march right in there and talk to your manager,

Do you understand me?

Gimme a kiss.

Ew!

Ew!

Oh, come on, lady. Just take a flyer.

I just... I can't thank you enough

for saying you'll have sex with me.

Paul, remember we talked earlier

about you not putting a lot of pressure on me?

Yes. Right. Yes. No pressure. There is no pressure.

I'm pressure-less and pressure-free.

Just nice and easy.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Paul?

You know what?

How about you go get a salad bowl down for me?

Okay, okay. That's good.

See? Now I have a task.

I've got a task. I have something to focus on.

So now my energy and focus is all here.

Nobody's pressuring you.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

And you get a nice salad bowl. Here you go.

Salad bowl.

I want cake.

Cake is good.

Oh... It's Debbie and Joan.

Get rid of them. How?

I don't know. Kill them?

Sweetie?

Sorry.

I'll be quick.

We held out this long.

I think I can make it another 30 minutes.

Try to make it ten.

I'll see what I can do.

No piece of pizza is worth what I went through.

It's the best pizza in the city.

Come on in. Hello.

You could have just taken the flyer.

I don't have to take a flyer from every piece of pizza in the city.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where is the pizza?

She hit him. Can you believe that?

Well, he flicked me with the end of himself.

So there isn't any pizza?

We don't have the pizza.

You have no food at all?

Is this a problem?

Thanks for coming.

We'll call you, or you call us.

We'll call you. We'll call you.

Who invites you to dinner and then asks you to bring dinner

and then when you don't have dinner,

throws you out of their house?

We'll explain tomorrow.

They'll understand.

You remember that subway token I gave you this morning?

Let's call that foreplay. Yes.

Good.

She's too young to be around this.

Oh, yeah.

Ladies first.

Just go.

I don't know how I went this long without cake.

Oh!

I love cake.

Me, too.

I love cake.

Me... too.

Ooh! PAUL: Cake! Cake!

Me, too! PAUL: Ahh!

Ahh! PAUL: Oh!

Ahh!

Paul: Wow!

Did you switch the baby monitor?

No. I thought you did.

Oh, my god.

She just heard everything.

Mabel heard everything.

Oh, that can't be good.

We're bad, bad parents.

How soon can she start therapy?

She's fine.

Oh, my god. All the breathing and the panting.

Not to mention a rather vulgar discussion about...

Cake.

Ugh!

She heard everything.

Whatever she heard, she didn't know what it was.

Nah, but you didn't see the look in her eyes

when we came out of the bedroom. Oh!

The child's first words are gonna be, "who's your big daddy?"

So what? So that's what? My fault?

Well, I didn't say it.

Yeah, but you were pretty worked up, too.

Paul, Paul. Jamie...

It's okay.

Okay, now, just relax.

Now, tell me. Did you have sex while you were pregnant?

Yes. Oh, my god, why? Was that wrong, too?

That is perfectly healthy, and Mabel heard that.

Yeah, but muffled.

We've scarred our child, our baby,

and for what? 20 minutes of ho-hum sex.

Jamie, you and Paul are gonna get past this.

Could we go back one second?

"Ho-hum sex?"

No, no, no. I say "ho-hum."

I didn't mean "ho-hum."

I meant "ho-hum," like, you know, "ho-hum!"

Well, you were making a lot of noise for just "ho-hum."

Well, yeah. Of course, I was trying to let you...

Unless... unless... Wait.

Did you... did you fake it?

You know, just a...

Little bit.

Okay, you know...

Only till the very end.

What about all the, "me, too. Me, too!"

All right. I was happy for you.

Were you just not into it?

No. I was into it.

I was. I told you I was ready.

So you're ready, and you're into it,

And yet I... I couldn't, uh...

Couldn't bring you to... to, uh, the promised land?

I really enjoyed myself.

Stop the tape.

I was headed to the promised land.

I almost got... I got halfway there.

I wanted to get there. I really did.

Halfway there is very good, Paul.

Paul?

Listen, do you think I enjoyed having to fake it?

I ju... aren't we out of time?

I've never had to do that with you before.

Well, glad to hear that.

One time in the Poconos,

But other than that, I've never... we have plenty here.

Careful. Careful. I think we have more than enough.

How do you think it makes me feel

that you can't tell the difference?

Hey, if it looks like a banshee and screams like a banshee,

I'm thinking, "banshee."

Cake.

I love cake.

Cake.

Cake. Cake.

Me, too.

Honey, she's fine.

I don't wanna have sex with you.

Well, neither do I, but don't you think we should?

No.

Come on. Let's just get it over with.

We can get on with the rest of our lives.

Oh, well, now I'm hot.

I hope they appreciate this pizza

'cause I had to barrel my way past this guy in a pizza suit

who actually flicked me with the end of himself.

He knows a good thing when he sees it.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Oh, I know what you're doing.

Who's my big daddy?

Well, big daddy's not giving it up.

What is the problem here?

We've always had perfectly great sex.

Yeah. Well, apparently, not in the Poconos.

This is the beginning of a new era,

and we got off on the wrong foot.

I just want to get us onto the right foot.

I see. So it's sex not so much for pleasure,

more for making a point.

Exactly.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, sweetie?

Even if I had one ounce of attraction for you right now,

Joan and Debbie are coming, like, any minute.

Come on.

Huh? What'd I say?

All right, but as soon as they leave, I'm coming after you.

Yeah. Whatever.

Did ya get it? Where is it? I want it.

Ooh! You got it. Yes!

Where's Debbie?

Oh, she's parking the car. God, I love this pizza!

Oh, come here, you cute thing.

You've gotta tell me. What is so good about this pizza?

It's so good.

I don't know about you, but I am starving.

Well, good 'cause we got the pizza that you guys like.

Joan, what are you doing?

I'm eating pizza.

Thatpizza?

Yeah.

How could you do that to me?

Paul, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment, please?

Sure. How could you?

What?

It's like stabbing me in the back.

I guess Debbie doesn't like the pizza as much...

It's not gonna happen, my friend.

Come on!

We've got guests. We've got Mabel.

So, they can take her for a walk.

They just got here.

You sure?

You know what?

They can take her for a little walk.

That was...

Incredible.

Uh-huh.

I mean, I went in with such low expectations.

I thought we were gonna just, you know, get the job done

and call it a night,

but you... you would have none of that, would you?

Mm-hmm.

You realize, not only did I get there,

but I came back, and I got there again.

Uh-huh.

You don't believe me, do you?

Not one word.

But it's the truth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honey! You know what you are?

You are the little girl who cried cake.

I am not.

Yes, you are. And the first time you cried it,

we all came running down that hill.

In good faith, we ran down that hill, and what did we find?

No cake.

So, this time, me and the villagers,

we're not even gonna make the trip.

We're just gonna stay here and make our bricks.

Are you finished?

And someday, I'll tell you right now,

You're gonna cry cake for real,

and you know what? I will not even be there.

You know what I'm saying.

It's all really a matter of credibility,

and the fact that you have none.

Why do you insist on spoiling

what was a perfectly great experience?

Paul, Jamie sounds awfully sincere to me.

Are you, like, ever on my side?

Twice, Paul. I got there twice.

Do you realize how rare and special that is?

Excuse me.

Twice?

Twice.

Jamie, sometimes we exaggerate to try to make a point.

What?

Well, for example, "I've got a million things to do today."

Now, I may be very busy, but do I really have a million things to do?

Unlikely, isn't it?

Okay, can I just say something?

If I, you know, really concentrated

and focused all my energy and my attention,

and the temperature was just so,

twice is not so out of the question.

You just said you weren't focused.

You just said you weren't focused. What?

I wasn't. Yeah. I wasn't all there.

What... what do you mean? Do you mean you didn't have...

No! Of course I did.

Well, good.

Honey, I'm a guy.

So?

So it means nothing.

Thanks.

I mean, I can do that in my sleep.

Now, Paul, you were saying you were distracted?

I wasn't distracted. It just so happened,

The way I was positioned,

my eyes were kind of facing the night table,

and I saw on the night table was Mabel's pacifier.

And I realized we forgot to give the pacifier to Debbie and Joan.

You're thinking this during our lovemaking?

So I'm thinking, "what else did we forget?

"Did we forget the rattle. No. She's got that.

"Her blankie? No. That was in the stroller,"

And then, right there, that's where you interrupted

And you screamed out, "Oh, god!"

So...

I interrupted?

You said, "Oh, god," so I hear god.

My mind went to my theology class in college.

"Oh, god." This to you is an interruption?

So I got "Mabel and college. Mabel and college."

You think, the phone rang,

that could be an interruption.

And I... excuse me... started thinking,

"Uh-oh. Do we have enough money to send Mabel to college?"

For example, "Hey, pal, make me a sandwich."

That could be an interruption.

If we don't, then she's gonna have to start working...

This is what I'm thinking...

She's gonna have to work right after high school,

which is exactly what my cousin, Todd, did.

And I thought about Todd who always had this annoying expression.

He used to say, "It doesn't take a Philadelphia lawyer to figure that out."

They go, "Philadelphia." I used to think, "Why Philadelphia?

Why does a lawyer got to be from Philadelphia?"

So I'm thinking, "Philadelphia."

I'm thinking of the Phillies.

I'm thinking of cookie rojas. Don't ask me why.

So I have all these things running around in my brain,

So... Yeah, I was a little distracted.

All this, and you still got there?

Honey, once again, I'm a guy.

I have to say, I'm...

I'm very unhappy about this.

Do you see me jumpin' up in the air singin' Sweet Sue?

Listen,

you two are putting way too much pressure on yourselves.

Forget about sex for a while.

Maybe it was too soon.

So what are you

you're telling us we can't have sex?

Well, in my professional opinion, don't.

Yikes.

Or...

We can go to the apartment right now

and give this thing one last shot.

What?

Hmm? Come on. Double or nothing.

Now, as your therapist, I strongly advise...

Come on. Throw the marbles.

I'm with him.

Fine.

Don't come cryin' to me when it all turns ugly.

So, overall, the experience, you would say...

Very nice.

On a scale of one to ten?

Like a 6, a solid 6.

You see? That I believe.

I don't get it.

I mean, you told me to be more assertive,

and I have to say it's not working well.

What do you mean?

Well, people seem to really dislike me.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

Come on. Why do you think?

Because maybe...

Maybe it's because I like to flick them with the end of myself.

Now we're getting somewhere.