Original subtitles

Hi. Is this the Snappy Baby catalog company?

No, I'm not calling about an order.

Actually, I'm calling to tell you that

we don't want any more Snappy Baby catalogs in our mail box.

Yeah, no, we're just getting an awful lot of catalogs.

So, here are your choices.

Either you stop inundating me with your Snappy Baby catalogs

or I will come right down there and I will slap plastic explosives

around your warehouse, and I'll blow the whole place to dust.

Yes... One second.

Oh, I'm sorry. The item K-3057, the activity quilt,

does that come in a pink?

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier ♪

This is our first night out since before the baby.

I want it to be perfect.

Well, I am very excited also, but...

I need you to do me a favor here. Could you unclasp me?

There's something dreadfully wrong

with my pants.

I'm so glad we finally found a good babysitter.

Oh, I know.

I was beginning to think we'd never find anybody we were comfortable with.

Believe me.

Arley just exudes such confidence, doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

It's hard to believe she hasn't been a mother ten times over.

What are you doing now? You're killing me.

Wait a minute. Are these your pants?

What do you mean?

Sweetie, these are not your pants.

What, do we have a roommate? Yeah.

Come on. These are my Zamilda Fuccini black pants

with the pleats and the one inch cuffs.

Excuse me.

What? Hey, no cuffs. See?

So these are not my pants.

Maybe they got switched at the dry cleaners.

Oh!

Well, get them off of me. Unlock me.

You have to calm down. I'm trapped in another man's pants.

All right. Let me... Very disconcerting. I'm walking around.

There's a guy. Who knows what happened?

Look, "Custom..."

Look at this. "Custom made for D. Copperfield?"

Good. So I'm in D. Copperfield's pants.

It doesn't make me feel any better.

You think it could be David Copperfield?

What, the magician? I don't know.

Sweetie, come on. It's New York City.

You know how many D. Copperfields there must be?

You look in a phone book under any name,

any name at all, there's like 4,000 entires.

Even the oddball names, you know what I mean.

Even... Like...

Sweetie.

Okay.

I... I got David Copperfield's pants.

That is so cool!

Okay, you know, you go to dinner by yourself

because I wanna see how long this lasts.

You know, I bet you there's some special lock on them or something.

No, that's Houdini's pants.

No, no, no, I saw this guy on Letterman.

This magician guy, he pulled really hard, the pants just flew off.

Fly away pants? Yeah, yeah, let me just...

Did he have a magic word? He must've had...

No, he didn't. He just looked with a little smile,

he did like an eyebrow thing, and then...

Okay, you know what? Get out of here. All right.

Ow.

Doesn't David Copperfield have some show now on Broadway?

Yes, he does.

So, we'll drop them off at the theater on our way to dinner.

Now you're thinking.

Poor guy. He probably needs them for his show.

Hey. Do you realize he's probably got my pants.

How'd you like that? You're on stage, in front of 2,000 people,

reach into your pocket, pull out a packet of gum.

Hey, Arley. Hi.

Hi, Arley. Come on in.

Sweetie, look, you remember Arley.

Hey, Mabel. Hi, sweetie.

Look.

You think she knows we're going out?

Yeah. They know everything, they just can't say.

Yeah. I bet you're probably right. It's okay, baby.

You remember Arley. Yeah, come here.

Oh, it's all right.

Honey, we're gonna have fun tonight.

You know what? We're gonna do some reading.

Followed by a vigorous discussion period.

Okay, she just had a big meal. We'll only be out for an hour and a half tops.

So that won't be a problem.

This is the number of the restaurant,

this is Paul's parents, my parents, Dr. Kekitch,

our cousin Ira, and Nat who walks our dog.

All right, sweetie, let's get going.

So you'll call us for any reason?

Yeah. Okay.

Goodbye, cutie. Goodbye, sweet angel.

We're gonna be back really soon.

We'll miss you the whole time.

You guys have fun.

Okay. Bye-bye. Thanks.

Sweetie.

Right, right, right, right, right.

And look at that, no more handkerchiefs.

You okay? Uh-huh.

You gonna get the garlic bread?

Where? At the restaurant.

Uh, probably, yeah.

Tough leaving the baby at home, huh? Oh, my God.

You know what, sweetie? It's gonna be okay.

She's in good hands, right?

Yes.

It's not like we can be with her every second of every day.

You couldn't.

A time comes when you have to just be strong and do it.

Right. Right.

Stop the car.

No, no, what are you doing? Stop the car.

Sweetie... I'm getting out.

How could we just leave her there?

Wait, what... With a stranger.

What are we, nuts? We're not nuts.

We're horrible people.

We're very decent people. I'm gonna throw up.

Are you serious? My throat is tightening.

Okay, hang on a second. Loosen my throat.

Stop the car, please. What is happening to me?

Okay, sweetie, it's nothing.

Oh, my God. Sweetie, it's nothing.

Hey.

Sweetie. What?

Here.

Pet the bunny.

Little bunny. Where'd you get a bunny?

From my pants.

Really? Uh-huh.

Little bunny.

Hi, little bunny.

Hi, bunny.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm, uh...

I'm actually... I'm scared of my pants.

I wanna do a spot check on Mabel.

I'm gonna go with you. No, no, it'll take too long.

You return the pants, I'll do the spot check, meet you at the restaurant.

All right. Wait.

What? Give me an excuse.

For what? For Arley.

Otherwise, she'll think I'm crazy for going back.

Tell her you found a bunny.

Right. Just don't tell her where you got it.

Okay. Give me a hug, you.

I love you. I love you, too.

I'm sorry I messed up the evening.

Hey, you're not messing up the evening.

You're being the best mom in the whole world is what you're doing.

I'm sorry. That's...

That's never happened before.

Is everything all right?

Yeah.

I was just returning my bunny.

I see.

Can I help you?

May I use your phone?

Okay, here we go.

Chapter one, "Call me Ishmael.

"Some years ago..."

That's right. It is written in the first person.

Who is it?

It's Ira, Paulie's cousin.

Hi. Hi.

Can I come in?

Can I see two forms of identification,

including something with a picture?

Really? Yeah.

I'm sorry I have to ask.

No, no, no, hey, Arley, that's good.

You're just doing your job.

All right, here we go.

Drivers license, good.

Smile like you've been standing in line for three hours.

Can I come in now?

When's your birthday? March 25th.

How much do you weigh?

Now or then? Then.

140. Are you an organ donor?

No. How come?

Because I have lingering doubts.

Arley, could you open the door, please?

Hey.

Arley, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I was just sitting at home. I thought I'd stop by

and, you know, show Mabel my pet rabbit.

Huh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, here you go. Look, Mabel.

Look at the little rabbit.

So, what's its name?

Uh, Stewie. Stewie?

Yeah. So,

tell me something. How's Mabel?

Oh, she's great.

Oh, good.

Any troubles at all?

No, none. Good.

How about you? You okay?

Oh, me. Hey, I've never been better.

So how long have you had Stewie?

Who? The rabbit.

Uh, long time. Almost, uh, 20 years now.

Really? Wow!

'Cause a rabbit's life expectancy is usually like five years.

Yeah, well, he's a battler.

What have you and Mabel been doing?

Reading. Reading? What?

Moby Dick.

Moby Dick? What, are you kidding me?

Babies love Moby Dick.

It has beautiful rhythm and melody.

No kidding. Yeah.

All right, well, I guess, uh,

I guess Louie and I will be hopping on out of here then.

Louie?

Hewy. Stewie.

It's a rabbit.

Very nice to meet both of you. You, too.

Your mommy did a spot check.

Hi.

Hi. Well, look at you.

What? You look different.

Well, I had a baby. Last tie you saw me I was pregnant.

No, that's not it.

I bet it is. No, no.

Okay.

New haircut? No.

You got your braces off.

You know what? That's exactly right. Yes, I did.

Yeah. And you sold your hat.

Yes.

Just as well.

Hey, James. So?

So all's well. Really?

Yeah. The picture of a perfect babysitter.

What was she doing?

She was reading to her. Moby Dick, if you can believe that.

Moby Dick, that's perfect. It has such rhythm and melody.

God bless the both of you.

So, things seem under control?

Absolutely. She's perfectly happy,

you got nothing to worry about.

Okay.

Okay, what can I get you?

Club soda is good.

Okay. And for the rabbit?

Nothing, thanks.

Okay, how about here? Nothing for me, thank you.

Okay. Ew!

What?

Did you ever see Psycho?

Yeah.

It's amazing. You should've seen Mabel lying there, cooing.

She was cooing? Yeah.

Cooing or fussing?

Cooing. 'Cause you know a fuss can sound a lot like a coo.

James, you know what, do yourself a favor, all right?

Go to dinner with your husband.

I will, I will. You promise?

Yes, I'm gonna get the check and then go straight to the restaurant.

All right. Okay.

Excuse me. May I use your phone?

Yeah, it's kind of in my house so I'm not real comfortable with that.

Hello!

Hi. Hello.

I need to see David Copperfield.

Yeah, you and everybody else, pal.

Show's been sold out for 11 months.

No, but I actually... I need to see Mr. Copperfield personally.

And why is that?

Well, uh...

I'm wearing his pants.

Well, look, pal, maybe you ought to...

Okay, do you want me to prove to you that these are David Copperfield's pants?

Sure. Okay.

All right. Well, watch this.

Voila.

Goodnight. No, no, I didn't...

Goodnight!

Ooh. Hey.

Ice cream?

Hi, this is David. I can't come to the pants right now,

but if you leave a message I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Hello?

Hey! Hey!

Hello?

Hello! Well, hello to you.

I've been expecting you.

"Queequeg was a native of Kokovoko,

"an island..."

Okay. Time for another spot check.

Who is it?

It's Nat, ma'am, the walker.

Of the dog, ma'am, if I may.

How can I be sure it's you?

Yeah, I appreciate your predicament here.

Oh, uh, my mother's maiden name was Ostertag.

Okay, but I don't have that information.

That... That would be true, wouldn't it. Um...

Gosh, oh, I think I got it, ma'am.

If you go to the back bookshelf there behind the little couch by the window,

on the first shelf you'll find a series of books, all right?

You work from right to left,

first book you should see

is Joseph Mitchell's Up in the Old Hotel.

It's a scintillating collection of his short stories and articles.

Right.

Next to that, you'll find Saul Bellow's classic, Herzog.

Yeah. And next to that

is Al Frankie's latest.

That's, uh, Humorous Indictment of the Radical Right.

Yeah.

Hi there. Hi, I'm Nat.

Hi. Arley. Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Yeah. There she is, huh?

Hey, there, Mabel.

Oh, hey there, Mabel Mercer.

Hey there, Mabel not today,

Mabel not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

So what can I do for you?

Nothing. Nothing, I'm just here to walk the dog.

Murray, the dog.

You walk Murray at night?

Yes.

Yes, he finds it... You know, the streets are less crowded, you know.

Less full of distracting, uh...

Other dogs. Uh-huh.

Um, has the evening been a pleasant one for both babysitter and...

Bae there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If this makes you uncomfortable, I can do it inside.

Please, no, that's okay. I...

Can I get you, uh, newspaper, a zip lock bag?

No.

No thanks.

Boy, you're really, if I may say,

you're really very skilled there, huh.

Thanks.

No, sincerely. I mean, you know, as one caretaker to another,

really, my hats off to you. You're very deft.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Okay. Things seem to be top shelf here,

so, uh, very nice to meet you,

and glad to see Mabel there is in such good hands here.

Aren't you gonna walk Murray?

Yes. Yes, I will.

So I imagine you have my pants?

Zemelda Fuccini, pleated, with one inch cuffs?

That's the one.

You know, I called you.

You know, I figured that was you, but how do...

How do you answer these things?

Well, it's complicated. You have to be sitting down.

Well, anyway, I imagine you need these pants.

Are you kidding me? You got my encore in your inseam.

Thank you.

You know, if you just tell me how to get out of these things,

we can exchange pants and both get on with our lives.

Well, you cannot take them off. Only I can take them off.

Mr. Copperfield, I enjoy magic as much as the next fellow,

but under the circumstances, maybe we could just skip the hoogidy-boogidy stuff.

Now, reach into the back pocket if you will.

All right.

Hey, hey.

Where'd this come from?

Now, toss it into the sky.

All right, here we go.

Tossing.

Ah!

Yeah. Now, climb.

I should... Seriously?

Climb, my friend.

All right, all right.

Climbing.

Hey, look at this.

Yes, climb.

I'm climbing, I'm climbing.

Climbing like a monkey.

Stop climbing. Stop it?

Also like a monkey.

Now hold perfectly still, please.

Mr. Copperfield?

But I am gone.

Hey.

One inch cuffs.

You know, when I was little I had one of those.

A rabbit? No, a purple sweater.

Hey there, Mrs. Buchman. Hi, Nat.

Hey. Um, can I get you anything?

Oh, uh, can I get a virgin Mary to go, if you would?

Mmm-hmm. Anything for the dog?

Oh, no, no. No thanks.

Okay. And still nothing for the rabbit?

No.

That's mean.

How's Mabel?

Oh, she's great, Mrs. Buchman. Just happy as a little clam.

In fact, she was making the cutest little noise.

She was going like... Like that.

Yeah. You sure it wasn't like...

Because is good, Nat.

But if she's going, it's bad, Nat.

It's very bad.

I'm pretty sure it was...

It wasn't...

No, no, it was definitely...

She was going...

I'm going up there.

"From beneath the slouched hag,

"Ahab dropped a tear into the sea.

"Nor did all the Pacific contain such wealth

"as that one wee drop."

That's all for tonight, honey. Mommy's home.

Hi, it's me. Hi.

I'm sorry. I actually forgot the address of the restaurant.

Can you believe that? Sure.

Happens all the time. Hi, Stewie.

Nothing. So I'm just gonna grab the address

and I will be on my way.

You wanna check on Mabel?

Don't be silly. How's she doing?

Oh.

Come on, will you? What?

Listen, I don't mind that you brought everyone in to check on me.

Arley, I don't know what you're talking about.

I also don't mind that you all brought in the same rabbit.

I, uh... No, it's sweet.

It's good. It's what I would do, you know, if I had a kid.

Come, look at her.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Look at her. Yeah.

You know what? You don't have to worry.

You're right. I obviously don't.

Thank you.

Listen, go out, have a good time.

I will. I think I'm finally ready now. Good.

I'm sorry about all of this.

Don't worry about it.

See you when I see you.

Oh. Graci, Dominic.

Mmm.

Should we check on the baby?

Yeah.

How is she?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, come on, you're gonna miss the end of the movie.

Sweetie, boy, the first date.

Hey.

Stewie.