Original subtitles

Oh. Who's that? Hmm?

Who's it in that picture?

Is it Las Vegas legend Buddy Hackett?

No.

It's you!

Look at that!

It's you. It's future phi beta kappa,

Nobel laureate, Pulitzer prize-winning,

President of the United States Mabel Buchman.

What do you think of that?

I'm gonna do it. What's that?

The photo album, I'm gonna do it.

Who said you weren't?

So quit hocking me.

Okay.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just really dreading

going to this play tonight.

Ah, come on, it's for charity.

All right, stop it. Please stop saying it's for charity

like that puts some happy face on it.

Okay.

I'm having a hair problem.

I'm having a clothing problem,

because suddenly I'm shaped like a Dr. Seuss character.

So I'm not dying to be seen in public right now.

All right, you know, sweetie,

it's gonna be three painless hours.

It's Pirates of Penzance performed by your parents.

Three Excruciating hours, but look at it this way,

you'll get to enjoy the magnificent stage direction

of your husband.

I don't know why you put yourself through it.

Because I'm very charitable.

And you know what? In fact, I got the final rehearsal

in half an hour, so if you don't...

Oh, God! What are you doing?

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

I'm editing.

Honey, honey, these... these...

Is this really what I looked like in the hospital?

Not at all. No.

Not at all?

No. No, that... First of all,

that's a crappy lens I was using.

And the lighting was... It was terrible.

And, you know, the hospital gowns,

they give you that little horizontal pattern?

You don't recognize it but in photographs,

it brings your eye

side to side to side to side to side.

You are charitable.

Sure.

Oh, sweetie, come on, don't... don't tear the pictures.

Do you really want to tear up all your memories?

Look at the ass on me there.

Look. Look at that one. Ugh.

I look like one of those little dolls

with the hair that sticks,

you know, you play with them for good luck.

What is wrong with my brain?

There's nothing wrong with your brain.

Where's my book? What book?

The book I was reading when I went into labor,

with the bridges,

the frisky lady on the farm.

With the bridges and...

I got no brain!

Can I... Can I just say something?

Where the hell is Fran?

Do you remember what Sheila said?

A lot of new moms, you know, it's very common

to have a sort of a postpartum depression.

Stop it! Stop it right there.

Kindly do not reduce me

to some dime-store psychological cliche.

No, I'm not. I'm just say...

Postpartum depression is about unhappiness,

mood swings, anxiety, and weepiness, okay?

I see your point.

Trolls! What?

The... with the...

Trolls. Trolls. Good for you.

Look at that, sweetie, huh? Hey.

Come in for, like, 11 hours, would you?

Everything okay?

Well, I have nothing to read

during my hair appointment,

which, what's the point? Ever since Arturo left,

I should've just bought a big, stupid hat

and sewn it to my head.

Okay, here's what you don't know.

Arturo's back.

What? He is back, baby.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna see him.

I'm seeing Julio, the butcher.

I switched you.

How did you do that?

I'm a mover and a shaker,

so I moved in, and I shook.

I love you! I know.

Oh, I love you!

Good.

You! I love you!

I love everybody.

Okay, you should go. I'm on Mabel duty.

Mabel. I love Mabel.

Sure, you do.

Hey, my book.

Now, look at that.

This is gonna be a good day.

You bet it is.

Postpartum depression. Pah.

Pah!

♪ Hold, monsters

♪ Ere your pirate caravans proceed

Paul was right to choose her and not me.

What an instrument.

What? Nothing.

Mrs. Buchman,

may I see you for a moment, please?

Would you let it go already about not getting the part?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

She's doing her best.

She doesn't need to be heckled by her own handmaidens.

Fine.

Thank you very much.

Sorry, everybody.

All right, Mrs. Sass, please.

♪ Hold, monsters

♪ Ere your pirate caravans proceed

♪ Against our will

♪ To wed us all

♪ Just bear in mind

♪ That we are wards in chancery

♪ And father is a major-general

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern major-general

♪ I've information vegetable, animal, and...

What do I say?

Already you're lost?

You got 4,000 words coming up here.

It's, uh...

Hold on a second.

Mr. Edlin, Mr. Edlin.

Um...

Okay.

You come out, you say,

♪ I've information, vegetable,

♪ Animal and mineral

Mineral!

Of course.

All right.

Here we go.

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern major-general

♪ I've information vegetable, animal

♪ And mineral

♪ I know the kings of England

♪ And I quote the fights hysterical

Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, Pop.

Let me just correct you there a second.

What is it now? Sorry to bother you again.

Hang on a second.

It's, uh...

It's "fights historical," not "fights hysterical."

Really? Yeah.

Oh, I think it should be "hysterical."

What are you talking about?

Well, you're in a fight, you're running around,

you're stabbing people.

You're hysterical!

You make a very good point.

Mr. Edlin, anti-exertion, please?

Thank you.

Ahh, how are my two beauties?

Wonderful, Arturo. I can't wait for you to fix me up,

you genius, you.

Jamie, I am not a genius.

I merely liberate the beauty that is already within you.

Okay, be more charming.

No, it's true.

I cannot help but see the gorgeousness

whether you're a young sapling

Just starting out in life,

or a maturing oak,

whose leaves are beginning to turn.

Arturo.

I walk away.

This is my practice hair.

I'm sorry?

For my wedding.

My boyfriend...

My fiancé Russell and I are getting married.

Congratulations.

We're very happy.

Good for you.

Are you married?

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

I'm married.

You betcha.

Mm-hmm.

And he's great. He really is.

He tries.

Especially with the kid.

Oh, he cleans up a mess or two,

Here and there,

and I'm supposed to give him a standing ovation.

Thank you. Oh, thank you!

While I'm stuck here all day cleaning up projectile everything,

but you, go, go,

Off to work on your film,

putting together the oldest possible cast

Of pirates of penzance.

Mmm, gotta go, it's for charity.

See you later.

So I get half an hour here,

before I have to race home

so that his daughter can actually suck on me.

Fifteen times a day.

I don't have enough energy to use a q-tip,

let alone put together a photo album,

featuring me and my magic stomach.

Your body? Ho ho. No, no. That's over.

That's just gone forever, which is fine, actually,

'cause it's not like you ever want him to touch you again anyway.

I'd just as soon stab his eyes out with a shrimp fork.

How many bridesmaids you having?

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern major-general

♪ I've information vegetable, animal

♪ And mineral

♪ I know the kings of England

♪ And I quote the fights historical

♪ From marathon to waterloo

♪ In order categorical

Good, Pop.

I know! I can't believe it.

Tell me later.

Um...

♪ I'm very well-acquainted, too

♪ With matters mathematical

♪ I understand equations

♪ Both the simple and quadratical

♪ About binomial theorem

♪ I am teeming with a lot of news

♪ With many cheerful facts

♪ About the square of the hypotenuse

With many cheerful facts

♪ About the square of the hypotenuse ♪

Good. That was good. That was great, Pop.

That was very good.

Hang on one second.

One little... hang on one second.

One little thing... Hold it just one second.

You're supposed to be...

Mr. Edlin!

Thank you, thank you.

Sorry.

When you get to "lot o' news,"

you can't find a word that rhymes right away.

What you want to do is think about it...

♪ A lot o' news ♪

♪ A lot o' news ♪

Like in your mind you're thinking,

what rhymes with "lot o' news"?

Then you realize... ♪ hypotenuse ♪

But I don't have to think about it.

The guy who wrote it had to think about it.

Of course, yes. But in the story,

the idea is that the character is making it up

As he goes along, so he's got to think about it.

That's it. That's why. Come on.

That's what it is.

What do you know?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

But you did great. You're just doing great.

Pirates, very spirited. Really very good.

And maidens, just...

Demure and yet fetching.

Yes.

It's wonderful. I'll tell you,

I, for one, I smell a hit, people.

Wow, that's a great haircut.

I left before the haircut.

Well... Okay.

So, guess what I did on the way home.

I stopped off to see 2 old friends of ours.

Ben and jerry!

Yes!

Hello, boys, how you been?

Yeah.

The world's best vanilla.

Oh, you really are.

Yes!

Chubby hubby.

And yet I bought it.

You are a good man.

I understand. All right, so listen to this.

We get through the first act

in a blazing five and a half hours.

All right, so I'm thrilled,

I'm delighted.

I'm leaving you for Ben. I hope you understand.

Fine. So then, Mrs. Sass, the ingenue in the piece,

she gets a phone call.

She comes back from the phone call.

She says, "I have to quit the show."

She quits four hours before the curtain. You believe this?

So, I don't know, some cockamamie thing

about her daughter who canceled her wedding

because she was in a beauty parlor,

and some lunatic woman. I don't know.

Said something to her.

I mean, it's like the craziest thing you ever heard.

You gotta be kidding me.

So now I gotta eat some ice cream,

I gotta run back, I gotta beg my mother to do the part.

That's gonna be another mallet to the kneecap

of an already limping production.

Aw, sweetie, it's okay. It's just a play.

What, you're slowing down on your chubby hubby there.

What's the matter?

I don't deserve chubby hubby.

Sure you do. Hey, try some of this.

I don't deserve the world's best vanilla.

Yeah, sure you... Why, because of the calories?

No, because I'm a bad person.

What's that supposed to mean about the calories?

No, no, nothing. I knew it was because you were a bad person.

Give me that.

I wasn't actually finished.

It's 20,000 calories.

This stuff is eating me alive!

You know what?

Who needs it? I don't need it.

Okay.

I have to get out of here.

Let's go in the living room, huh?

Raise Mabel well, and tell her a lot of stories about me.

What are you talking about?

I like you. You're a nice man. You really are.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I blame myself.

There's $200 hidden in the Al Franken book.

Listen, you cannot walk out the door.

Ha.

Honey, honey, let me just say I'm sorry.

I'm really... I'm very sorry.

About what?

See, that I couldn't tell you. Good-bye.

You can't... you can't leave.

You're a mother now.

I'm a lunatic. I'm a loose cannon.

Trust me, everybody will be better off.

You're not a lunatic.

Listen, you are the heart and soul of this operation.

You're the backbone. You cannot leave.

You're right. Get out.

What?

Go on, beat it.

I'm sick of the sight of you.

Hey, look what some psycho did.

This stuff's like $6.00 a carton.

Uh-oh.

A, e, ah, oh, ooh.

A, e, ah, oh, ooh.

A, e, ah, oh...

You okay, Pop?

I'm okay. I'm just doing my vocal exercise.

You know, the vowel sounds. Good.

A, e, ah, oh, ooh.

And sometimes "y."

"Y."

All right, very good.

All right, just the person I'm looking for.

Forget it.

Oh, come on, ma.

You know you want to play the part.

Once, maybe. Not anymore.

Look, you know what, ma?

Let me explain to you.

I would've made a wonderful pirate queen.

I would've known my lines backwards and forwards.

If you had cast me.

But you didn't.

And now, do you think David O. Selznick

Went up to Vivian Leigh

five Minutes before the civil war

and asked her if she wanted to be in Gone With the Wind?

You know what? If you don't want to do it, fine.

I'm gonna go over and ask Mrs. Menken.

Don't do that to her. She's nervous enough already.

All right, Mrs. Emsh.

No!

She has to keep her feet elevated.

Fine, you know what I'm gonna do, ma?

I'm gonna go out there, and I am going to apologize,

and I'm going to explain to the nice people in the audience

and to the little sisters of the blind

that, go home, everybody,

there will be no performance tonight.

All right.

What? I'll do it.

I'll be your pirate queen.

Really?

Yeah, I'll tape the lines to Mr. Balsky's parrot.

See? Where there's a will, there's a way.

But only because

I don't want my son to look bad.

You're a wonderful person.

Just promise me I won't humiliate myself.

Yukka yukka yukka.

Yukka yukka yukka yukka.

I don't think you have to worry about that, ma.

You know, you pour your life into a child.

I know.

You die for them a thousand times over

Just so they'll have a chance to live and be happy.

I know.

Then you see them standing on the brink of that happiness.

Yeah.

Some freak comes along and ruins everything.

Mom...

Destroys a young girl's life.

Not to mention a perfectly good production

of the Pirates of Penzance.

Mrs. Sass, Roberta,

I'm sorry. I really am.

I'm going through a...

I don't know what it is. I just had a baby...

Postpartum depression.

I... I really... I just resist that label.

Are you postpartum?

Yeah.

Are you in a depression?

Yeah.

All right.

It goes away, you know.

Really?

My daughter's 24 years old. You know when mine ended?

Mrs. Sass.

6 Months ago when she got engaged.

And now, guess what.

What's that?

It's back.

I understand.

So help me out here. Make my joy return.

Roberta,

um,

In spite of my little tirade

at the beauty parlor,

I love my husband very much.

Really?

Absolutely.

That's exactly what we came to hear.

Okay, can we call Russell?

I don't know.

Roberta,

marrying Paul and having his child

are the two smartest things I ever did in my life.

You mean it?

Isn't that sweet?

All right?

Well, i... Close enough.

♪ Hold, monsters, ere your pr...

♪ Pirate caravans proceed

♪ To wed us all

Mr. Barsky, your parrot.

♪ Just... ♪ Just bear in mind

♪ That we are wards ♪ In chancery

Thank you.

♪ And father is a major-general

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern major-general

♪ I've information vegetable, animal

and mineral

♪ I know the kings of England ♪

Hi. Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

How's it going so far?

Oh, Gilbert would gouge Sullivan's eyes out.

♪ I understand equations

♪ Both the simple and quadratical

♪ About binomial theorem

♪ I am teeming with a lot of news

Lot o' news?

Lot o' news?

Lot o' news.

Paul.

I told him to do that.

He's acting. You believe it?

Lot of news.

Well, he's brilliant.

Lot o' news?

Oh, boy.

Sing something.

♪ And I should probably sing something

♪ I mean, what have I got to lose? ♪

♪ And he should probably sing something

♪ I mean, what has he ♪ got to lose?

♪ I...

♪ Used to be in sporting goods

♪ But then I gave the place away

♪ I'm in semi-retirement

♪ Let me tell you that's okay

♪ My son's the big director

♪ And he's standing in the back somewhere

♪ And there's his wife named Jamie

♪ Look at that, she's got some pretty hair

♪ Our Paul was such a good boy

♪ We had nothing to complain about

♪ Except one time we came home early

♪ And he had his shmekkie out

♪ Except one time he came home early

♪ And he had his shmekkie out ♪

♪ In short, in matters vegetable, animal

♪ And mineral

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of the modern major-general

♪ In short, in matters vegetable

♪ Animal and mineral

♪ He is the very model of

♪ The modern major-general ♪

That was the single greatest evening

I've ever spent in the theater.

Yeah, the pirates who humiliated their son.

Let's see,

Complain about, complain about.

What in world rhymes with complain?

Oh, I got it!

Shmekkie out.

Just explain to me,

why would the man's mind even go there?

Why there? I've done so many wonderful things

in my life.

He could've summoned up

I won a spelling bee one time.

I had a paper route.

By the way, rhymes with complain about.

I took the garbage out.

I was a nice cub scout.

All these things he chose to ignore.

I found it a very educational evening.

Yeah. You know what we learned?

Here's what we learned.

If you're 11 and you're alone in your room,

lock your doors, people.

All right, let's take it easy.

So I can never go out of the house again. Ever.

Come on. Let's just laugh it off and move on.

It's so true. No good deed goes unpunished.

Look at it this way.

Aren't you happy your parents love you so much,

They want to share every detail...

Don't... don't... don't do that.

Don't put a happy face on this.

Would you let me have this? I'm depressed now.

Well, snap out of it already.

♪ Now the show is done

♪ And we can all watch as the credits roll

♪ They have a list of all the folks

♪ Who work here, see, it's on a scroll

♪ Look at all the people

♪ That it takes to make a TV show

♪ Sixty-four of them

♪ I gotta tell you I don't even know

♪ This song is stuck within my head

♪ There's no way I can go to bed

♪ Let's ask this man whose name is Ed

♪ Is there another song instead? ♪

Thank you.