Original subtitles

Do I look like somebody's mother to you?

Yes.

No.

Yes and no.

Excuse me, won't you?

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ Final frontier ♪

Honey, does this look clean to you?

Uh-huh.

'Cause I was looking for the green one, but I couldn't

you didn't, by any chance, get to the dry cleaners, did you?

Well, I was gonna, but then I gave birth.

Okay. All right.

Nuff said. Point made.

Gotcha.

What are you doing?

Writing a letter to Mabel.

She's right there. Just talk to her.

It's for her to read on her 18th birthday.

Really? She's gonna grow up so fast,

and I want her to know all the things I was feeling her first few weeks.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Let me know when you're finished. I'll sign it, too.

Write your own letter.

What?

This is private between me and Mabel.

Oh. Okay, okay.

So, uh, what time do we have reservations tonight?

I told everybody 7:00. And don't be late

'Cause then the restaurant gets too crowded,

and it's too noisy for the baby.

She's really something, isn't she?

She really is.

She looks so... wise,

and yet absolutely innocent at the same time.

She's like this flesh and blood expression

of both our lives,

but starting over with limitless possibility.

Yeah. See, I was gonna say

she's small.

All right, mom, we'll redo this line,

and it will be the best thing in the movie.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You'll watch the clip a couple of times.

Yeah, and then what?

And we'll just do a pickup.

We'll re-record the last part

that was drowned out by the siren.

You can do that? You can record just that part?

Sure. And it won't interfere with the rest?

No. Huh. Fancy.

Once, Burt and I were in a hotel in Florida,

and I stepped into the elevator,

and guess who's there.

Ingrid Bergman.

And she says something I will never forget.

She says to me,

"Six, please."

So what happened?

I pressed six.

I told you it's not a story.

It's a beginning of a story, and it just stops.

It has no point.

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

Do I really sound like that?

You sound beautiful.

Really?

You sound like Julie Andrews.

Don't be fresh.

All right.

When did I sound like Julie Andrews?

When I said "elevator?"

Exactly. I thought so. Yeah.

All right. So that's all it is.

Just practice the line a couple of times,

get comfortable, and then when you're ready,

give me a signal, and we'll do it, okay? Yeah.

Let me ask you a question. Yeah.

If you found out that your wife was writing a letter to your kid

that you were not allowed to read,

how would that make you feel?

Why, I'd think it was very sweet

and I had married a terrific lady.

No. You know what I'm saying.

Wouldn't it make you feel...

You don't think it'd make you feel excluded or even...

No, excluded. Wouldn't it make you feel excluded?

No. I would understand.

In fact, it might inspire me to write my own letter.

You've really changed.

Hello! Mr. Demille!

I'm ready for my pickup.

Okay, ma, let's do it. Here's what happens.

You're gonna hear three beeps,

and then you talk on the fourth one.

Why do we need beeps?

Just so you can get ready.

I'm ready. I got up, I ate breakfast, I came.

I don't need beeps. It's very confusing.

Well, that's the way they do it.

No wonder movies are so terrible.

Dare you to put a little bullet in my head, all right?

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

Button?

Uh, good. You know what?

Just try it again, and maybe just a little more natural.

More like yourself. Here we go.

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button.

You know, again. Just maybe even more like yourself.

Just talk like you. Here we go.

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

Perfect.

Let me ask you a question. The word "bouillabaisse,"

are there really like 11 Ls in the middle there?

What are you doing?

I'm writing my letter to Mabel.

Bouillabaisse?

Yes, bouillabaisse.

How do you spell "Paella?"

What did you write that came so easy...

Hey, hey, hey, you can't read that.

I don't care. It's private.

Okay, okay. Oh, deciton.

I already know it's private, you don't have to bark at me. I understand

when something's private.

I'm not the kind of person you tell something once, you have to say it again.

Hey. You are pathetic.

Wait a second. What is this?

How could you?

"If I ever denied you anything, I want you to know

how much it hurt me to do so

though others, others always seem to take the easy way out

and say yes. A mother sometimes has to say no."

How could you read that? Wha... what?

So in other words, a father's just incapable of saying no?

All right. Give me the letter. A father's just

a big, mushy weakling who can't help himself?

Place the letter in my hand.

I can't believe you talked behind my back

to my daughter 18 years in advance.

I'm getting the baby and we're going to dinner.

Besides, that's so not even true.

I can say... I can say no.

Whenever I want to, as good as anybody.

Hi, are you ready? No.

No? You heard me. No.

We're ready. We're ready, we're ready.

Hi. Hi.

Look at her. She looks like you.

And like Paul. She likes you and Paul.

All right, do we have everything?

You have snuggly? No.

You don't have a snuggly?

All right, take it easy.

Hey. No!

What? Just like that... no!

All right.

Paulie, for you.

What is it?

James got me thinking. I realized I had some letters to write, too.

Oh, no.

James, one for you,

one for you, Joan, and for you, Debbie.

And of course, one for Mabel.

Give me a kiss.

It's your favorite letter writing uncle.

Now you cannot read these letters until after I die.

Are you kidding me? Now you're writing letters?

You have nothing to say to these people.

What happens if we die first?

Well, if you're dying or have a premonition of dying,

you can go ahead and read it.

What if you had a really throaty cough?

Come on, let's go.

It's important that you're dying, that you're not going to recover

'cause if you recover, then I'll have to write another letter.

Of course, if it's an unexpected death,

like getting hit by a bus or a flash flood, then I can't help you.

What are you doing? Writing a letter.

Oh, isn't that sweet.

Thank you. I was going to write you one too.

Oh, actually it's to Ira.

He wrote me one to read when he's dead

so I feel like I should write him one, too.

No, that's fine. I understand.

So, what does it say?

It says it's kinda private.

I understand. Sometimes you have to keep things from your soulmate.

Listen, lying by omission in this way

can be the backbone of a healthy relationship.

Listen, I...

Kidding. It's fine.

Good.

What does it say?

Deb...

No, I... I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I know you'd show it to me if I really wanted to see it.

I know that there are no thoughts that you'd not share with me.

Let me see it.

No.

"Dear Ira, just between you and me

now that I'm gone, it can't hurt to tell you, Ira,

that every once in a while

I would look over you and think to myself,

"Gee, in another time in another place, in another life,

you never know."

Are you kidding me?

Oh, please. Don't even waste your time being jealous.

Oh, no, no, not jealous, no.

No, flabbergasted at the scope of your taste.

But jealous...

All right. Here we go.

"Dear Mabel,

"When did you get to be a beauty?

"When did you grow up to be so tall?

"Wasn't it yesterday that you were small?"

Honey, can you help me with this?

And then, could you do the hustle?

All right, it's the only shirt I had.

I'm going to the cleaners, I swear.

Listen, listen to her.

Excuse me.

Are you writing a second letter?

Uh-huh.

Just from the gurgling now?

Uh-huh.

I mean, all right, that is really rubbing my nose in it.

Not only can I get a letter going,

my failure seems to inspire you.

Hi, I couldn't resist. I got you a snuggly. Snuggly?

Thank you.

I don't know if it will fit so try it on.

How can it not fit? I don't know.

But read the directions, it's very important that you read the directions.

I don't have to read the directions.

These things are done by engineering students

after years of study.

You don't put it on without reading the directions.

Honey, read the directions.

Okay, this is not right.

I told you to read the directions.

If you were smart, you'd read the directions.

Okay, could you sound more like ma?

Why?

Here's a crazy idea.

How would you like to come down and record mom's voice for ten seconds today?

Really?

Yeah, because you do it great and if I got to go through it

with her again, I'm going to end up crying in a pile of my own dirt.

All right.

Bless you. DEBBIE: Great.

Hi. JAMIE: Hey.

How's it going?

Well, if it isn't Mr. Love.

I'm sorry?

Nothing, forget it.

Forget it? What, forget Mr. Love?

No, I shouldn't have said anything.

About what? Stop it. Joan's gonna kill me.

Joan? Oh, Jesus.

Come on, Debbie. You gotta tell me. Mr. Love is begging you.

All right. But you forget this the instant you hear it.

I forgot already.

All right. Last night, Joan admitted to me,

that sometimes,

she fantasizes...

sometimes, she fantasizes sleeping...

Sleeping? What she fantasizes about sleeping?

Sleeping with Ira.

Wow. Wow.

Wow. Joan?

Joan you mean, for all intents and purposes, your wife, Joan?

You'll take this to your grave, Ira.

Absolutely, I will.

Thank you. Wow.

Anyway, listen. It'll only take ten minutes.

Just come down, you know.

What do you think to be the best time, Ira, about 12:00?

♪ Me and Mrs. Joan

Stop that.

♪ We got a thing going on.

♪ We both know that its wrong

You see what you started with the letters?

I wonder what kind of fantasy Joan has about me.

Is it slow and sexy like

nine and a half weeks with the ice cubes?

Or is it sweet, like Lady and The Tramp with the spaghetti?

Have you not had relations in, like, 18 years?

You wear a shirt like that you're not allowed to make fun of anybody.

Let me tell you something, Justus, okay?

A lot of ladies have said a lot of things about me.

But nobody from the other camp has ever admitted to having a fantasy about me.

Now, that... that is truly, truly sexy.

All right, here we go. We're ready.

"Dear Mabel,

You're gonna eat that or you're gonna marry it?

I happen to love it.

All right, now I gotta go get me something to eat.

Hey. Give me a minute.

You want a sandwich or something? Yeah, sure.

Hey, Ira.

Hi Deb. How you doing, listen,

before we begin,

I just want to say, that I...

I hope there's no hard feelings about this whole Joan thing.

Oh, don't be silly. Where do I go? In here?

Oh, Deb, wait a minute.

We're a family. We can work this through.

Ira, it's nothing. I've got about three minutes to do this.

You want to sit down?

Here? Thank you. Yeah, good.

Look, remember...

remember that I'm saying this to you as someone who loves you.

This is really cool. What, do I talk into here?

Debbie, come on, we can't hide behind nervous talk.

Why don't we just face the truth, huh?

I mean, you and I, we do have a great deal in common.

Not the least of which are the affections of a certain lovely, lanky

albeit Jew hen, by the name of Joan.

Oh, for God's sake. I know, I know this is difficult for you.

I do, but believe me none of this was intentional on my part, I mean.

You have to understand, with me, sometimes

sometimes, chicks, they do nutty stuff.

You know! And it is my fondest hope... My fondest hope that

somehow this whole thing will bring us closer together.

Okay, Ira.

Okay, good.

It is like the greatest single thing I ever heard from a chick.

All right. Enough.

Oh, come on, think about it.

You told him?

If you'd have been there, you'd have got a big kick out of it.

What did he do? Nothing.

What did he do?

He set out on an ego trip of mythic proportions.

Oh, Lord...

I've got to go... I've got to go and talk to him.

How am I ever going to look him in the eye again?

I don't know but I can tell you this,

it'll be winking at you.

What?

The point is Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button.

Perfect.

Great.

Sadly, you and I can never have sex again, but that was perfect.

Nice job, you.

On one hand, Joan is a woman who likes me.

On the other hand, she's a lesbian who lives with my cousin.

Is he serious?

Just ignore him. He'll talk himself out.

Hey, if Joan wants me who am I to play God?

Maybe I should make myself available to her.

Ira? Yeah.

No, no, no.

You understand me? No.

Banish the thought from your mind.

Okay.

First of all, you have no shot.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

No.

And second of all, even if you did, no.

Okay, fine. No, no, no. Ira.

No.

No.

Okay.

♪ Joan, Mrs. Joan... ♪

Hi, Joan.

So, so you heard about my letter?

Yeah, yeah.

It's okay, you know. I've kind of always known.

Uh, you weren't supposed to read it until I was dead, you know.

I know.

So, I mean we both know the difference between something serious and just a

harmless little flirtation.

Of course.

Okay. I just... I just wanted to make sure.

I just don't want there to be any weirdness between us.

Hey. Not a drop.

Good.

So, we're cool? Joan, don't be silly.

Joan, we're both mature individuals.

We're practically related, for God's sake.

I mean, for all of us, there's a line, you know,

You just... you really shouldn't

you shouldn't cross.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ira, Ira, get off me, Ira!

You're not dreaming, Joan.

You're not dreaming. This is not a fantasy.

I can make your dreams come true.

I'm telling you. Get off me!

So, we're cool?

Okay, honey, remember this is from Daddy, okay.

This is not from Mommy and Daddy.

This is just from Daddy.

What's that? That's my letter to Mabel.

When did you do that?

At work, after you left.

Pretty heavy letter. Uh-huh.

Can I see it?

Uh, no.

I'm saying no like a trooper now, huh?

Here, you know what...

I got it, sweety. I got it. Ready to go.

Bye. Where are you going?

We're gonna... we're going to the bank to put this in the safe deposit box.

Oh, don't go to the bank, it's such a nice day

and I'm going tomorrow anyway.

Okay. Good. You know what?

I'm gonna go outside and parade my daughter's

dangling legs to the general public.

Have fun.

All right. See you. Come on.

Remember, be very careful not to kick

because if Daddy doubles over, nobody wins.

Happy Birthday, Mabel.

You're 18 now and I know what you're thinking.

I was pretty cute with hair.

Well, though you're watching this in the year 2000 and

something, as I speak to you today, you are still very small.

You are truly like a little

you're very small.

And so I wanted to give you an overview

of all the things that we'll be doing together, you and I.

So, I made this film for you and I just put it together, you know.

Like that.

Which, by the way, something I don't think your mother can do.

This is Yankee Stadium, well, you won't believe how green it is there.

This is Broadway, where we'll be going to the theater, you and I.

Not the one with the three Xs on it. The other one.

This is the Manhattan Bridge, just as nice as the Brooklyn Bridge

but without the crowds.

These are the tulips on Park Avenue.

Look how I look the same in every shot.

This, I think is my thumb.

As I said, I did this very fast.

This is a restaurant that I'm hoping to God will be open in 18 years

because they make a lamb sandwich

crusty on the outside, juicy on the inside.

Believe me, you're gonna thank me.

This is the river. You know Manhattan is an island, right?

We'll get us some ducks at Yun-Fat's.

Then, while we're in the neighborhood, get a couple of cannolis.

And then to top it off, couple of laps around the lake.

So, as you can see by the time you're 18,

you're gonna think I am just swell.

But the best present I can ever give you is right here.

This nice lady.

I discovered her. I conned her into marrying me

and subsequently made her your mom.

And I am sure for your 18th birthday, you were thinking

you were gonna get one of those flying cars all the kids are driving.

But today, like everyday, I'm giving you the

best gift that I could possibly think of.

Your mom.

And to your mom, who I am sure, put the tape into the machine

six seconds after I walked out the door,

I'm gonna stop and pick up the shirts because I... I can't live like this.

Love you.

Your mom.

And to your mom, who I am sure, put the tape into the machine

six seconds after I walked out the door,

I'm gonna stop and pick up the shirts because I... I can't live like this.

Love you.

So, in other words, letters and video tapes are my birthday present,

but flying car, not so much.

All right. Very good.