Original subtitles

She's so tiny. I know.

I love the way her little eyelids flutter.

Really cute.

Isn't she just the most beautiful thing in the world?

She looks like her mother.

That one.

[STUTTERS] I know.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Need any help?

No, sir, you have done enough.

You have delivered a child, so

from now on, all the pain will be mine.

Although, you know what? If you could take this one.

It's biting me like you wouldn't believe.

Hey, little sweetie, here we are.

All right, sweet darling,

welcome to your new home.

It's usually neater.

Hi, how are you?

Look at all these presents you got,

and that's just for being born.

You wait till you do something.

Wow.

What?

Just this, this, the three of us.

Hmm. We're here.

We're all here.

Yes, we are.

It's something, huh?

It is.

So, you're saying we have a baby now? Good god almighty.

Okay, you know what, this is gonna be okay.

It is? Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it will.

[MURRY BARKS] Hey, Murray.

Hey, Murray, look, look, look. Look who's here. Look.

A whole new person for you to smell.

Murray, say hello to...

Possibly Julia? Eh.

For my uncle Jules.

How about Lilly?

Lilly. For my aunt Lolly.

Lilly, Lolly... Oh, all right.

Murray, you have a sister.

Look, sweetie. What do you think about that, huh?

[MURRAY WHINES]

[BABY CRYING] Oh, oh, oh.

[IMITATING ALARM] It's okay. What is it?

What is it? What's the matter?

All right, you have to stop doing that.

Sorry. Why is she crying?

I couldn't tell you, personally.

Okay, sweetie, what is it?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

What? What's... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay. What?

Aha!

Already they do that?

Yeah. Okay, okay.

Oh, you know what, sweetie? We got one of those changing tables

you're supposed to use. You put them right on the changing table,

and then you don't have to put the kid right, right on the...

On the table, which is probably not the...

Oh, okay, but that table's good.

May I please have another diaper... Sure.

Some Destine, and some baby wipes, please?

Coming right up. Here we go.

I'm lookin... crackers?

Diaper, diaper, diaper, diaper.

Oh, okay.

Diaper. Diaper.

Diaper. Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Maybe not the best trade daddy ever made.

Didn't really think this one all the way through, did I?

I can't... you know, uh, hold on one second. I'll be right back.

All right. So, the tape goes in the front,

you would think, so it stands to reason

that this must be the front.

[SIGHS]So we'll put this under here,

and we tape it down on that side,

and we tape it down on this side,

and we have,

and we have... come here.

This is a total disaster.

May I have another diaper, please?

That was the only diaper they gave us, sweetie.

They sent us home from the hospital with one diaper?

Yes. Yes, it'll be okay. It's okay.

Well, how's that?

Is that better? [CRIES]

Oh, no, no, no. That's a little too tight. All right.

Gonna be right back.

Where are you going? Incinerator.

First poop.

You must be very proud.

Well, you know.

Hey, is that... is that?

My first husband, Hal.

Your first husband, Hal.

My first husband, Hal.

Both my husbands have been called Hal.

My second husband Hal and I have separated,

and my first husband Hal and I are rekindled.

All right?

Great. Well, good for you.

Boy, you know, you're like that woman in the song, Henry the Eighth.

You know, she married eight guys all named Henry.

Yes, I'm exactly like that.

Would you mind joining me in the living room, please?

Sure. Pardon.

They've had a child?

I'm afraid so.

Come on, stick. Will you stick?

It's okay.

Bring me some tape. Tape?

Don't judge me. Just bring me some tape.

Okay.

What's the matter, you never heard of taping up a diaper before?

Oh, of course I have.

This is really hard.

Hey, I know.

Don't patronize me. No, no, no. No patronizing.

Hey, cutie.

I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble.

It seemed so simple at the hospital.

Well, you know what?

It's gonna be okay. It is?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

How does this look?

That's... pssh.

Liar. [DOORBELL BUZZER]

When she bends over, everybody will think it's the flag of Switzerland.

That's good.

Where is she?

Hey. Hey, uncle Ira.

Say hi to uncle Ira.

Hello, sweetie.

Hi, Snooky.

Hi, muffin-face.

You got a name yet?

Kind of. We're working on it.

Okay, swaddling.

"Place baby diagonally

With head above folded corner."

They mean folded corner or the pointy folded corner?

Stop watching me.

Okay. Okay.

Kitchen. Sure.

So, Paulie, I got a gift for the baby.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Whoa, whoa, how much money is in here?

Thousand bucks.

What is she, Connie Corleone?

Where did you get this?

Well, I won a little bet.

On what?

Women's basketball.

Okay, you should be in a meeting all the time.

JAMIE: Help me!

What happened?

It's like a cruel riddle. It's like some kind of Rubik's cube.

Sweetie. It cannot be done. Do it.

Okay. Get away. Get away. Get away.

Ira, will you swaddle my child?

Okay. Get out of there.

Sweetie, it will be okay.

No, it won't. That is such a bunch of crap about how okay it's gonna be.

Okay. Do you want to hear a little secret?

As parents, we may suck.

First of all, can I just say I think you're doing great?

You do not. Yes, I do.

You do not! Yes. Ira, don't I think she's doing great?

Please don't make me talk now.

Well isn't there somebody we could call?

Like a guy, a swaddling guy?

[BUZZER]

Who is it?

THERESA: Oh! Oh, thank living god.

There's a great swaddler right there.

Look how life provides.

Hi, Ira.

Theresa. Hi.

Hi, sweetie! Hi, mom.

Oh, honey.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Oh, I'm good. I'm good.

How's the baby? She's good.

Was the traffic bad?

No, it was very light.

Good. You're...

Honey, I... I can't breathe.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I brought you some things.

A tuna casserole and some diapers.

Oh, diapers and casserole, my favorite.

Let's see her.

Ohh! [HIGH-PITCHED]

Will you look at that.

Oh, look.

Oh, hello, precious.

Hello, pumpkin.

Hello, sweet-cheeks.

No name?

Not at all. I'm sorry, we don't.

Interesting diaper. I know.

You know, it's funny you should say that,

because anything you can do to show us

how to make it less interesting and more normal,

we would love that. Oh, no.

No, no, no.

No!

Why not?

Because, when I had you,

my mother butted in, big-time,

and I swore to myself that I would never, ever, ever

be one of those mothers who butts in.

No, no. Please butt in. I need you to butt in.

I have no idea what I'm doing. Not a clue.

Hey! I'm saying...

Well... all right,

but I'm not... I am not going to butt in.

I can pitch in,

but just a very, very little.

That would be great. Pitching in would be great. [ALL TALKING]

Please, a little pitching in.

Okay.

Ira, would you get the changing table, please,

and bring it over here? IRA: You got it.

Paul, I need some baby wipes, cotton balls,

and a dry washcloth.

Coming right up. Oh, also some index cards and a magic marker.

Let's see if grandma can still cut it.

All right, sweetheart.

Here we go, darling. Yes, here we go.

Okay. Now, the key to diapering

is a simple mnemonic device.

S-w-e-e-t.

Sweet. Sweet.

"S", survey,

"W", wipe,

"E", entertain the baby,

coochie coochie, coochie.

While we "E", ease out Mr. Old, dirty diaper.

"T", tie up Mr. Old, dirty diaper.

♪ And send him on his way ♪

How is it me again?

Now, it's time for Mr. Clean diaper.

We are so glad you're here, believe me. This is such a,

somebody who's done it, you know what I mean?

Sweet. S-w-e-e-t.

Yes. You may want to write that down.

Hey, that's what I'm doing.

Okay, now, swaddling is simple,

just think of the word "Tuba."

Tuck under both arms.

This is just brilliant.

Look at that. "Tuba."

All right, here we go, sweetheart.

Now it's time to discuss the crib placement.

Mom, I'm so thrilled with my "Sweet" and my "Tuba,"

I'm just gonna perfect that for a while.

Oh, well, all right, honey. I'm gonna go wash my hands again.

Remember, always wash your hands and often.

Awyhaof.

What?

Aw... aw... awyhaof. Awyhaof. Awyhaof.

No, honey, that was just talking.

Oh, that's not a thing. Okay, all right.

Honey, would you help me, please, with this?

[BUZZER]

Who's that?

It's me, Burt!

Burt Buchman, your father.

DEBBIE: And Joan and Debbie.

Come in, family of ours.

Ira. Hello.

[BURT EXCITED]

Oh, there she is.

Oh ho ho, doll-face.

Oh, hello, sugar.

Hello... there.

No name yet? BOTH: We don't have a name.

You know, they got books now. We're gonna look them over.

We brought you a tuna casserole.

Great. You like tuna casserole?

Apparently tremendously.

[INTERCOM BEEPS] Who's this?

Your mother. She's down in the lobby.

What's she doing down in the lobby?

SYLVIA: Hello. Can anyone hear me?

Yeah, ma... I'm in the lobby.

Can anyone hear me?

Why don't you just come up?

I have what I believe to be the beginnings of a cold,

and I don't want to get the baby sick.

That's very considerate of you, Sylvia.

Oh, not at all. I'm just so glad to be here...

In the lobby.

Later, Burt will describe my grandchild to me.

Burt, did you give them the casserole and the book?

Oh, oh! Yeah. Yeah.

What is this more tuna?

Why don't we put these in the fridge?

Yeah, you know what, put it next to its friends, the other casseroles.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

I'm coming. Yeah?

Listen, tape down the button so I can hear.

Want me to tape it?

Sure, okay, ma.

Can I say hello to the baby?

Sure.

Hold her up to the microphone so she can hear me.

Oh, you know, she's, she can hear you.

She can hear you, ma, believe me. Babies in Japan can hear you.

Hold her up to the microphone!

I'm holding her! I'm holding.

Burt, is he holding her up?

Uh-huh.

Fine, leave her in the bassinet.

How does she do that?

Hello, sweet girl.

Hello, my beautiful girl.

Hello, sweet girl

whose parents should stop fooling around and pick a name already.

We're trying. We're still working on it, ma.

Murray, what are you doing down there?

[MURRAY SNARLS]

Murray, it's me, Burt,

Burt Buchman,

Paul's father. [MURRAY SNARLS AGAIN]

What's the matter with him?

He's sulking or something.

He's scared of the baby.

Murray... [SNARLS]

Some nut!

Oh, hi, Burt. Hello. Hello. [PLAYFUL CHUCKLE]

Honey, is this a good time now?

Good time to... To discuss crib placement

and its impact on her IQ.

Jamie. Oh, hello.

Hi. Hi.

Look who's here. It's the gals.

You know, I think it's just wonderful

how the two of you are sticking with it.

Jamie, we need a refrigerator allocation discussion.

This cottage cheese, sentimental value?

We were wondering 'cause it's blue now.

Okay. I'll be right there.

Will you excuse me for one second.

If it would help, I could eat something.

Try the casserole.

I'm gonna go.

What do you mean? No, no, no, no, where you going now?

Oh, Jamie doesn't want me here.

SYLVIA: You know, excuse... hello!

Listen, uh, I'd like to make a suggestion.

Ma, hang on one second.

Believe me. She really does. I swear to you.

You know, I went through a similar thing with my mother.

Yeah, okay, ma, you know, it's hard to hear you now,

because I can't... you're breaking up.

I found that if I just... [INTERCOM STOPS]

Jamie very much wants you here.

No, she doesn't. She's just being polite.

Not true.

Paul, she's got you. You know what to do.

Ah! [CHUCKLES]

Come on, you're a natural father.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, you can become a natural.

I don't think... no.

You got all these books. You can read books.

Yeah, but the books, it's not...

They have pictures.

Even the pic... no. Pretty pictures.

Between you and Jamie, you can take,

Jamie is... [MUTTERS]

So, you want me to stay?

[APPROVING GRUNT]

I'll stay.

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

Uhh! [STARTLED]

Oh, good. You're up.

Hi. Nice to see you.

Is everything okay?

It's fine. Time to feed the baby.

What?

Time to feed the baby.

You have to feed her every 2 and 3/4 hours.

In other words, now, so up and at 'em.

No, no, no, mom, whoa. I was gonna

feed her every four hours or when she cries,

you know, every two or three, some...

If you want your baby to have to cry for her meals.

I don't want her to have to cry.

Well, the crying is about to begin, so it's up to you.

Okay. Okay.

So we're up, we're up, we're up.

We're up.

Oh, we're gonna go over here to mommy now, yes.

Oh-ho.

Oh, my god, she's beautiful.

Honey, honey, you don't want her to just take the nipple.

You want her to take the entire areola.

I know. I know.

She's just the most beautiful... Ow!

She's like a little angel... ow!

Look at her.

What a thing, huh?

What a thing this is.

Man, I'm hungry.

How we doing?

Just love this so much.

Hey, little baby.

Trade you?

Okey-dokey. That's enough.

Oh, uh, mom, I think she's still hungry.

Honey, honey, no, no, that's enough. Come on.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay.

All right, sweetie. Okay.

Okay, honey.

You got her? Yeah.

All right. Now, Paul. Hmm?

After the meal comes?

Pie?

Burping. Burping. Good. Yeah.

I knew that one, too.

Now, the best way to burp, darling is,

put her on your lap,

and here's how you remember it,

gently rub, evenly pat, securely held

Or "Greps."

Okay. Right there, that's my favorite one so far.

I think I'm just gonna burp her on my shoulder.

Uh, that would be unfortunate.

Well, I think it's a perfectly good way to do it.

Well, yes, unless you'd like her to actually burp.

Mom, I'm gonna burp my child on my shoulder, okay?

Oh ho. Fine. [SARCASTICALLY]

Fine. Hmm?

Here we go.

Oh, now don't you mutter at me, missy.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't even be here,

but when I wanted to leave a long time ago,

your husband wouldn't let me out the door.

Is that true?

Excuse us.

You know what, sweetie? Can I... you know what?

Stay.

Hi, Sylvia.

Oh, my god.

I don't want the baby to catch my cold.

I can't believe you're still here.

Sweetie, look.

Look.

There's your grandma.

Oh, my goodness. She's so beautiful.

I can go home now. Thank you.

You're welcome.

No,

I mean,

thank you.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Just say it.

I'm saying I'm very sorry.

Just, say, you're scared I'm not gonna be a good mother.

That's not even true.

You know you wanna say it.

You're not supposed to be it yet.

What?

Nothing. Good?

Yeah. Aha.

Okay, you happy now? Uh-huh.

Good. So now what?

So now I, you know,

I tell your mother to go home.

What?

I'm gonna go upstairs, and I'll say, "Listen,

we don't need you. We're fine. Go home."

And then what?

Then she goes home.

And then what?

Then we're in charge.

What, are you kidding me?

She's the only person in this house

with any clue how to care for a human life.

Yeah, okay, right now, but...

I cannot even get this child to burp.

[ELEVATOR DINGS] Hey, she'll burp.

Any luck?

No, not yet.

I know.

You, you know... you know... you know what it's like... [STUTTERS]

Okay. You know... you know, okay.

Okay. Okay. Perfect. Okay. Okay.

You know, you know how...

Honey, before you pull something.

Mom, I think you can go home now.

Really? Yeah.

You want me to go?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Oh, I just wish I could be sure you'd be all right without me.

Well, we can't...

[BURPS]

I'll leave in the morning.

[BURPS]

What a little goddess you are.

Boy, even I feel better now.

Ah, hold the lift.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Is that the child?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

What's its name?

They don't know yet.

Ah.

Coochie coochie coochie coo.

[BURPS]

Well, good night, then.

Oh, I've got a couple more mnemonics.

Maybe I could give them to you now?

Sure, mom. Good.

Now, as to the temperature of the room she sleeps in,

remember, cooler really is better.

"Crib."

And the most important one of all.

Whenever you go anywhere, no matter what you're packing,

just remember, mothers always bring extra love.

Ma-bel. Okay.

Ma-bel.

Mabel. Mabel.

Oh, I like that.

I love that.

Gosh, that wasn't so difficult.

And so, we are thrilled and excited to tell you,

that after an exhaustive search, we have finally named our child.

Well, there we go.

We would like you all to meet...

Mabel.

[SNIFFS]

Oh. [SNIFFS]

Whew.

[BOTH SNIFFING]

Hey, eureka.

There you go.