Original subtitles

[GRUNTS] Paul?

PAUL: All right, so Aunt Ida, Aunt Ida,

why don't we go back to the other story?

You were just saying something about George Gershwin.

Not George. His cousin Milton.

So your family knew his family?

We knew his name was Milton,

but as a kid, everyone called him Skippy.

Skippy Gershwin?

That's right.

Okay.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

Oh.

Something is burning. I'd better go check.

Watch out! Look out!

I don't think Gershwin had a cousin Milton.

I'm trying to remember if I ever asked you.

No, I don't think I did.

What is this? [PAGER BEEPS]

Oh. Hey. Hey. What?

That's Jamie. Jamie?

Yes. Told her to call when she had contractions. Look at this.

I thought you said you had another week.

Well, I guess we don't.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Show time?

It's show time.

Okay. I'm gonna come right home.

Nope. That'll take too long.

It won't take long. I'm gonna come home.

Hon, I think you should just meet me at the hospital.

No, no. Wait for me. I'll come home.

Paul, that's silly. I'll just get a cab.

Sweetie, wait for me. I will be right there.

Paul, that's ridiculous. I'll just get a cab.

I'll meet you at the hospital.

I thought we should go together.

I'm taking a cab and meeting you at the hospital! My God!

Okay, okay, all right.

Here's what, you take a cab,

and I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?

Okay. Love you.

I love you.

Hurry.

Okay.

Taxi!

TAXI DRIVER: Where to, lady?

Alan?

Jamie?

Wow.

This is amazing.

What a coincidence. Hi.

Hi. Wow, look at you.

Yeah.

Are... Are you pregnant?

Yes, I am, Alan. What'd you think?

No, that's what I thought.

In fact, I'm on my way to the hospital.

Really? Which hospital?

Roosevelt.

Huh. Is that a good hospital?

What is that supposed to mean?

Okay.

Are you seeing anyone?

A few people.

You?

Yeah, my husband.

Pete?

Paul.

So, what else you working on?

What else?

I'm about this close to having a baby

in the back of this cab.

Right now, I'm working on that not happening.

I can see that.

So nothing, huh?

You know, you just never stop.

It's called making conversation.

Uh-huh.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

What is all this? I don't know.

Can't go through here. Making a movie.

Oh, yeah? What, uh... What movie?

I write screenplays.

Okay.

Excuse me. I'm having a baby.

Where's the father?

He's meeting me.

It's probably true.

Okay. Good luck.

BOTH: Thanks.

I think he meant me.

JAMIE: How we doing?

Great. Go home.

What do you mean, go home? We talked about this.

We're going to come to the hospital and have a little baby.

And you will when it's ready to be born.

What do you mean? This is not it?

Nope, not it. Often mistaken for it, but not it.

You sure this isn't it?

Yep. False "it." Take my word for it.

That's my job, distinguishing actual "it" from not "it."

You're not doing this just so you can go back to your little function?

No, in fact, I wish it was it.

'Cause this dress is itching,

and they're giving an award to somebody I hate.

So what just happened here?

I had those Braxton Hicks contractions?

Yep, that's what happened. Braxton Hicks.

Very normal, happens all the time,

but don't get complacent,

'cause next time it's for all the marbles, okay?

Well, next time, how do I know if it's actually "it?"

Well, there are a lot of different ways,

but the main clue will be, the baby will come out.

You almost didn't make it. I got very worried.

I know. Broadway's closed down. They're making some movie.

But I'm here now. It's just you and me.

And our entire family.

I made a couple of calls.

I wish she didn't call everybody, you know?

I'm perfectly capable of taking care of her.

Paulie, nobody says you're not, all right?

I mean, maybe she was just nervous.

Yeah, but it's only the most intimate moment in our life.

It would be nice if it could be just the two of us.

If she wants a couple of friends around for support, let it go.

Remember, you're the coach, Paulie, all right? She is the player.

What is this? What?

"North American documentary film festival."

Oh, that's nothing. That's junk mail.

Did you submit the film?

I may have. Who remembers?

Are you nuts?

Are you just out of your mind?

Just give it to me. Let me throw it away.

What did I tell you? What did I tell you?

The film is not ready. What else?

Don't show it to anybody until it's ready.

Specifically... Your family.

And... Festivals.

Yes, because if you do, what happens?

I will die. Yes!

I can't believe you sent in... It's not even done.

Paulie, we got bills, all right?

Look at these. Look at this.

Lab fees, equipment rentals.

We got it stacked up here.

It was accepted? What?

"Your film has been accepted."

Oh, that's so cool.

You're not angry with me?

Hurry up and say you're sorry.

I'm sorry. It's over!

Oh! We got a film in a film festival.

How about that, Paulie? [PAGER BEEPS]

Hey. Hey. Beeping. Beeping. That's Jamie.

This is it! Papa!

Hey! Okay. All right.

All right. All right. I'm going. Go.

Oh, this is a good day. All right.

It's just humiliating.

It's not humiliating. Yes, it is.

What's to be humiliated about?

It's just you and me.

And everybody who was here last time.

We have to talk.

So I would like to have my mother, my sister,

even Paul's mother and sister, and Fran in there with me,

and I know Paul doesn't want that.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You know, it's not that I don't want it.

It's just that, you know, why? [RINGING CONTINUES]

I'm just... I'm just saying that, uh...

Whenever I imagined this birth,

I always imagined us surrounded

by the women in our lives,

drawing on their experience, you know,

strengthened by their strength,

sharing their stories, their wisdom.

Who, Lisa? Lisa's wisdom?

She's my sister, all right?

This is not bothering anybody else here?

Would you excuse me?

Hello. I told you not to use this number, didn't I?

What is wrong with you?

Don't get hostile with me, young lady. I'll give you hostile.

Well, did you look in the top drawer of the dresser?

I thought so.

[SIGHS] Teenagers.

Please, go on.

Anyway, um...

I just don't think it would hurt

to have some of the women

in our lives there for this.

Which is great. I have just always seen this

as essentially a two-person proposition.

Interesting.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

What's interesting?

One... One second. PAUL: Yeah.

Hello.

In the top drawer.

Well, then look in the laundry basket.

No, you may not wear mine.

Don't test me.

Well, I hate you, too.

I apologize for the interruption.

Since the divorce, my daughter...

Hey, you know what? We don't need to know. Whatever.

Oh, kids. Sometimes they're more trouble than they're worth.

But also a joy in many ways.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Where were we? We were, uh...

[TELEPHONE RINGS] [SIGHS]

Just ignore it.

As I was saying...

Why, Paul, are you afraid

of having anyone else present at this event?

Is your manhood somehow threatened by the presence of others?

By the same token, Jamie,

why are you afraid of being alone with Paul?

What fears of intimacy are you holding,

and is that the reason you're going into labor when Paul's not around?

Damn it!

Well, you'd better take it off.

Don't you talk to me that way. Are you nuts?

Have you gone insane?

You are going to be on restriction for the rest of your life.

Do you hear me, young lady?

Nothing. You'll get nothing.

I will lock you in that closet

till you're an old maid and nobody wants you.

You know what? If you want to have people there,

let's do that. That's fine.

It's just... I dunno. We always do better when it's just

you and me, that's all. Let's talk about it later.

Really? You sure? Absolutely.

Be a filmmaker. Do what you have to do.

You are a wonderful woman.

Honey, honey, honey.

Paul, Michael Moore. Yes.

Mike, how are you?

Michael Moore. Yeah, Mike.

Mike, sure.

Okay. Yeah.

Michael Moore.

Mike's father and my father

used to ride the train together.

They used to share a newspaper.

Honey... Mike... Mike... Mike Moore.

Mike. Mickey, right? No.

Michael Moore. Boy, the filmmaker.

I loved Roger & Me and TV Nation.Boy. Thank you.

Yes. Hey. Please.

What do I have to say? Those are great films.

But I think our fathers rode the train together. No?

No. It's okay, all right?

I just saw Buchman. It's fantastic.

I mean, the warmth, the heart, the pathos.

Oh, really?

I'm getting on the phone right now.

I'm calling Bob Redford.

I'm gonna tell him this film has to be in Sundance.

Wow. Wow. That is unbeliev... I gotta tell you. Wow.

This is such a labor of love for me, you know?

I mean, because it's about family, right?

And family, to me, it's so important.

It's like the only important thing, really.

Are you all right, Mrs. Buchman?

Yeah. I seem to be having a contraction.

Oh. Now?

Yeah.

Maybe I should get some assistance.

Uh, you know what? It's probably anoth...

It's probably a false labor. This happens all the time.

What were you saying about Robert Redford?

Honey, I think maybe we should go.

Sweetie, remember? She said it's not real

unless the baby comes out.

You should go.

Oh, we're gonna go, but finish what you were saying.

I think you need to get your wife to the hospital.

Oh, we're gonna get...

Trust me. We're all... We're under control here.

Honey, breathe. Breathe. Yeah. Okay. We're fine.

I know what this looks like. There's nothing to worry about.

It's a Braxton Hicks. I don't know if you're familiar.

Everything's fine. Happens all the time.

Buchman, what is wrong with you?

Somebody call a doctor.

Honey, you know what? I think we should go.

Okay, all right. We're gonna go.

Remember where we were, and we'll pick it up...

ALL: Go!

If you need a 3/4-inch cassette, I can send you a cassette, or...

ALL: Go!

Sorry. False alarm.

[GROANING]

What? What do you think, we're playing a practical joke?

No, no. Of course not.

I'm glad I left in the middle of Rent.

I could always get another ticket.

For $1,100. We're sorry.

You know, I was in my yoga class,

and I was so close to getting that feeling

that they always talk about that you're supposed to get.

Almost got it. Didn't get it. Thanks.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

I was in the middle of a souffle. It'll keep.

If I leave now, I can just make

the last 10 minutes of my shrink appointment.

For God's sake... Please go.

I got nothing to do.

Go home.

Thanks for coming, though.

It's hard for me to imagine

that someday this ring will fit on my finger again.

And you know what? If it doesn't...

You'll still love me.

Yeah. No, I'm saying we could get it sized.

Come here, you.

Take a little walk with moi.

What are you doing?

We'll see what I'm doing.

We'll see who's doing and who's not.

Oh, no. Really?

What? What?

Joan said this might help induce labor.

And that's why you're doing it?

Mmm-hmm. It's one reason.

If I was falling out of a plane,

I'd be more in the mood to do this than I am right now.

Well, I will call the airline.

It could be months before we do this again.

I'll keep myself amused.

Oh, the way you talk.

Sure.

Anything?

Anything? That was amazing.

You're a genius.

Well, okay, but no action?

Honey, can't we just relax and enjoy the moment?

Sorry. I'm just very goal-oriented.

Honey, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

That was wonderful.

Well, I gotta...

To me, this was an utter failure.

I mean, we're trying to have a baby.

I don't understand, why it's so hard?

People do it, you know. People, every day,

millions of people have babies every day. Idiots can do it.

Idiots have an easier time giving birth than we do.

You know, hillbillies, sailors, chickens! Honey.

I love you very much, but let's look at the way nature works.

You never see a chicken squat down and go, "Whoop, false alarm."

No, with a chicken, if they squat,

there's gonna be an egg coming out of their ass.

Oh, my dear.

Is it their ass? I don't even know.

I haven't been on a farm in, like, ever.

Where did you go?

What did Joan say about the water breaking?

She said that's when it's it.

That's when there's no turning around. It's time.

Why?

My water just broke.

Well, you bet it did, baby.

All right, big shot.

No. I'm just saying, you see?

You don't need anybody but me.

You know what?

You're right.

Am I?

You bet you are.

You're the captain. You're the leader.

You're the pilot, and you're my coach.

I'm putting my money on you.

My faith is in you. Our life is in your hands.

Maybe we should call somebody.

All right. We have everything?

I think so.

All right. Nat is on his way.

[DOG BARKING]

Murray.

Murray, we're gonna go and get you either a brother or a sister.

Or if it really goes your way, a schnauzer.

Are we forgetting anything?

We got you. We got me. We got the baby.

Yeah. Then no.

Honey.

I know. All right.

Let's go have us a little baby.

NURSE: Well, look who's here. The girl who cried labor.

My water broke. Thank God.

Are you ready? Yes, I am.

Excuse me. We were here first.

Here first?

That's right. We came in before you did,

so we should be taken in first.

Not that it makes any difference,

but I don't think you actually did come in first.

I beg to differ.

Well, I've been in here nine times this week.

Does that count for anything?

Not to me. Today we were here first.

Tomorrow, I don't care.

Listen, I'm sure you're feeling anxious. I know I am.

No, no, no. I'm not anxious at all.

I'm just first, see?

No one's cutting in line on my birth.

It's not a deli counter.

It certainly is. Irwin! Come on, hon.

Let's go! We're first.

Excuse us.

What was that all about?

Apparently she was first.

First? What difference does that make?

That's what I said. Are we ready now?

Yes.

Wait! Wait! Stop! What? What?

Oh, my God, my ring. What, your wedding ring?

Yes. I've been wearing it around my neck

so I'd have it when this happened,

and I took it off when we had sex.

We had sex.

Oh, I threw it in the drawer.

Okay, so, sweetie, we know where it is.

It's not lost. We'll get it after...

No, no, no, now. Please?

Now? Yes. Please?

I don't want to have this baby without that ring.

Why? Because I want it.

You want it this second?

Why are you arguing with me?

Because I don't want to leave you now.

We should be doing this together.

Paul, I need that ring.

Come on, man, she needs the ring.

Is there time for that?

How long will it take you?

Like 20 minutes.

Oh, yeah. You got time.

I will... I will get the ring. Okay.

Are you going to be okay by yourself?

I'll be fine.

You're gonna call someone. No.

You're gonna call somebody, aren't you?

I'm not calling anybody.

All right. Good, because you don't have to.

I'm gonna be right back and take care of you.

All right. Please don't have the baby till I get back.

Ho there.

Whoa! That was fast, huh?

Must be some kind of record or some such.

Congrats! Congrats! Congrats there, Mr. Daddy.

Yeah.

So where is the little tyke?

No, no, it's not time yet, Nat.

It's just Jamie forgot her ring.

Her ring?

What does she need a ring for?

It's a symbol. It's a good luck charm. She needs it.

Oh, yeah. I see that.

A little like a monkey's finger,

I kept a little tube.

Got it. Got it. See you, Murray.

Well, you take care. Good luck, huh? Take... Whoa!

Whoa!

WOMAN PATIENT: What about that good room, Dr. Goldwasser?

When am I getting the good room?

DR. GOLDWASSER: I told you, It's first come, first served.

Oh, is that so? Can you believe that?

Irwin, you just do whatever you have to do

to get me that good room.

[DOOR OPENS]

How we doing here?

I'm fine. Pretty fine.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's the good room?

Good room? Who told you about the good room?

I heard.

What's it like?

What's it like? It's good.

Come on.

All right.

It's like having your baby at the Waldorf, okay?

Wow. How do you get it?

Well, actually, it's first come, first serve.

Well, I'm ready. I'm ready to go right now.

I'm totally... I feel pretty ready to go.

Believe me, you're not.

Is my husband here yet? I haven't seen him.

What about Joan?

She hasn't gotten here yet.

PAUL: What's going on here? What's all this?

You can't go through. We're shooting a movie.

Yeah, but no... My wife Is having a baby.

Where is she, in the trunk?

No, she's in the hospital.

I had to... She forgot her ring.

So I had to race home to get the ring.

She sent you home in the middle of her birth to get her ring?

Yeah. I know.

You ought to do better than that, pal.

We just had a big incident here. It's mayhem.

[STAMMERS] Why? Can't I just...

Turn it around. Move out of the way. We got ambulances coming.

Can I one time? Never again.

No.

I told him I wouldn't call anybody. Uh-huh.

Then I panicked and called everybody. Uh-huh.

No. I mean everybody. Thank you.

Everybody I've ever had contact with in my entire life.

But nobody was home.

Jamie, it's all right. You have nothing to worry about.

You've nothing to be concerned about.

This is my job. This is what I do.

I'm here for you now. Just for you.

[PAGER BEEPS]

You psychotic little snot.

I'll be right back.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Thank you.

What?

What?

You know, this better be it.

I was in the middle of kickboxing class,

and I had to run all the way down here, all sweating,

and you know what? [SNIFFS]

I stink. Is there a shower in here?

I think there's one in the hall...

You know what, is this going to get yucky?

One can only hope.

When are you taking the drugs?

I'm not going to take drugs.

I'm gonna try to do this without drugs.

Come on. At least get the drugs. I'll take 'em.

FIRST REPORTER: Film star Bruce Willis

was apparently injured today

during the filming of a stunt here in Manhattan

while shooting his latest film Die, Already.

SECOND REPORTER: Any other injuries...

He was on a ninth story scaffolding.

No one's quite sure what happened next,

but something obviously went horribly wrong.

Hospital spokespeople here will not confirm or deny this rumor.

His condition is not known at this time.

You can see quite a crowd.

Let's see if we can talk to someone.

Sir, as a concerned fan who has shown up to show moral support,

what would you say to Bruce Willis

if you could talk to him at this moment?

Bruce Willis?

Oh, I could care less about Bruce Willis.

My wife is about to have a baby.

I'm trying to get upstairs. Excuse me.

So you see, fans from all over have gathered in droves

to stand vigil for their fallen idol.

Back to you in the studio.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Does it bring back memories?

Oh, yeah, the joy, the elation. Ma.

The overwhelming emotion. Ma.

This is a moment you'll never forget in your life. Ma.

What?

You were completely unconscious for the whole thing.

Yeah. So?

Uh. Listen, here's the truth.

My wife is in maternity,

and she's about to have a baby.

Look, here is my wife's wedding ring.

Yeah. Good one.

Seriously. Her finger is too swollen.

She had to take it off, and she put it in a drawer.

So I went... I didn't want to, believe me,

but I rushed home. I went to get the ring,

and now, she needs to have the ring

before she can have the baby. Come on.

Well, you let that guy through.

He called him Bruno.

You got to know him to call him Bruno.

No. No. I don't know the guy.

Everybody knows his nickname is Bruno.

Really?

Yeah!

We got problems down here.

And the first one

is always the tough one.

I remember Lisa got stuck.

Her head was like a boulder.

It just wouldn't budge.

And I was screaming, "Get this kid out of me,"

and so an orderly and a resident climbed on top of me

and they started pushing down

and pushing and pushing and pushing,

and finally you squirted out,

1, 2, 3, phfft!

He must have gone this way!

Oh, God. I remember with Ryan

they had to slice me open like a fish.

I looked like I fell on a grenade.

No. I looked like a frog being dissected

by a ninth-grade biology student.

Anybody want to see the scar?

ALL: Ooh!

GUARD: This way.

[HARMONICA STARTS PLAYING BLUES]

Hey, how are ya?

Hi.

You with the hospital?

No. No.

Security.

No.

[SNIFFING]

The press.

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

Well, I'm trying to have a little moment of privacy. Thanks.

Hey, sorry. Please. No. Hey.

MAN: Look in here. This way.

MAN 2: Yes, sir. Got to be down there.

What are you doing here?

I'm voting.

You seen anybody else in here?

No. Nobody else.

I haven't seen anybody.

You didn't see anybody in a hospital gown, head all bandaged?

Uh... In... No, no.

Come on.

He's got to be down there.

They're gone.

Thanks.

Sure. Don't mention it.

So, uh, what happened to your head?

Huh? Your head, what happened?

I fell off a 40-foot scaffold at work, landed on my head.

They brought me down here for tests.

They say it might be a concussion,

but, to be honest with you,

I don't feel that concussed.

Okay, sure.

You sure you're all right?

Huh?

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. I'm fine, thanks.

Okay. Well, nice to meet you.

Hey, hey. What?

What are you doing up here, anyway?

My wife's about to have a baby.

What are you doing loitering around the men's room

when your wife's about to have a baby?

Believe me, I...

I got a little problem here.

Do you, by any chance,

know how to get to the maternity ward?

Follow me.

[WHISPERING] Cameras.

Oh. You're very good at this.

Listen to me. Be strong now. That's my message.

Because later, all you'll pretty much have to worry about

is cutting them grapes in half.

Grapes? Yeah. You got to cut the grapes in half.

They got them tiny little windpipes, you know?

Oh, sure. Okay. You got it?

Sure, sure. Strong now, and later, cut grapes.

You got it. Okay.

Oh, this is important. You right handed or left handed?

Uh, right handed. Okay, good.

During delivery, give her your hand to hold, but be careful.

She gets a hold of that right hand,

she'll squeeze it like a sock puppet.

You won't be able to sign your name for a year.

So don't give her the right hand and cut the grapes.

Okay. I think I can remember all this stuff.

You'll be all right. Yeah. Okay.

You'll be fine. Listen. Yeah.

If I can do it, you can do it.

Yeah, okay. This is very helpful. Thanks a lot, man.

You've no idea. You're welcome.

Can I give you a hug?

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. All right. Good, good.

Can I give you a little kiss?

You want to make out a little bit?

I don't. No.

Okay.

But thank you. Yeah.

My breasts were never bigger.

I loved it. I was actually zaftig.

DEBBIE: For the first time in my life,

men actually talked to me and stared at my chest.

THERESA: You'll be fuller-busted, dear.

Yep.

Sure, I was bigger, but I had ankles to match.

Of course, when I stopped breastfeeding,

they looked like a couple of empty gym socks.

I gained 40 pounds and I'm still taking it off.

I lost the weight, but my body is shot.

Well, bikinis are a thing of the past.

Where is Paul?

You know, I have a hell of a time putting on weight.

Stop it.

Wait, wait, wait. And what about sex?

Oh, don't even start on that.

Sex? What do you mean?

Where is Paul?

[GRUNTING]

You pick out any names yet?

Names? Well, we got a few thoughts.

You have any ideas?

What are your kids' names?

Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah Belle.

Yeah, well...

We'll think of something, I'm sure.

Come on, I'll hoist you up.

Are you serious? Yeah. Grab hold. Ready?

And here we go.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

What happened to him?

He went home to get my ring.

It should have taken him 10 minutes.

I don't understand. What happened?

Honey, honey. Come back.

We'll go look for him.

You go look in the elevators,

and I'm gonna check the lobby.

Don't worry, sweetie, we'll find him.

We'll see if he's lost.

He'll be here.

Are you sure this is the fastest way to the maternity ward?

Hi, my darling.

Daddy, you're here.

Shh. I wouldn't be anyplace else in the world but here.

I'm so glad.

Look at this little face.

This is the same sweet little face

you had when you were 11.

I really never dreamed that we'd be here together like this.

You about to become a mama... [CHUCKLES]

And me about to become a grandpa.

Me neither.

But still...

You're my little girl.

You promise?

Ohh... Promise.

Cross my heart.

Okay, take it easy.

You're going?

No, I'm not going.

I'm just gonna wait outside.

And... And I'll be out there...

If you need me. Okay.

Okay.

Oh, good. Here we are. Go up to the fifth floor,

two quick rights and a left. You can't miss it.

Two quick rights and a left. Okay.

Listen, you've been a big help. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Hey...

You like tomatoes?

I enjoy tomatoes. I'm gonna send you some tomatoes, okay?

Sure. Shape yourself up.

[PEOPLE TALKING] Listen... Shh!

You never saw me, right? No, no.

We never had this conversation. Never.

Take care of yourself. Gimme a hug.

[GROANS]

Contractions are getting closer together.

Do you want something?

[SIGHS] No. Not yet.

We can't wait anymore.

It's time to move you now.

No. Not without Paul.

Jamie, it's not me.

I'd wait for him all day.

It's the baby. He's very impatient. We've got to go.

I don't want to do this without Paul.

Honey...

It'll make a great story.

Let's go.

James? Paul, where are you?

I'm here. Where are you?

I'm right here.

Hey, there you are. Here I am.

It's you! It's me!

Come here, come here, come here.

Thank God. What happened? Is everything okay?

Yeah. Fine, fine. No problem. Look. Here's your ring.

Forget about the ring. I don't care about the ring

as long as I have you.

Oh, don't tell me that now.

JOAN: Come on, let's move it. I want to get the good room.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey. Oh. Uh... All right, look.

Um, I'm Paul.

We were here first.

Actually, I don't think so. I think it's a tie.

You wish it was a tie. You wish it was a tie.

We're getting the good room. You and what army?

Oh, I'm shaking.

Joan... Ben...

All right. How dilated is this one?

Seven centimeters.

Mine's eight. Yes!

Contractions? Five minutes apart.

Four. Liar.

Read 'em and weep.

[GROANS] Here it comes. You all right?

Me, too! Me, too!

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Dr. Eckstein.

What is going on here? The good room, sir.

Again? Every day, I'm in the good room.

I'm sick of the good room. I'm closing the good room.

Not today, you're not. No way!

What if I said neither one of you gets the good room?

What if I reached down your throat

and delivered your colon? How would you like that?

Very nice. Oh, you're a bargain over here.

For God's sakes, look at you two.

You're both gonna be parents.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm not. Me neither.

Well, you two just work it out like mature people.

You wanna shoot for it?

Odds or evens?

How do you put out two fingers? Leave me alone.

You had the good room in the palm of your hand.

Oh, God.

Hmm. Contraction? Mmm.

Okay. All right. Breathe.

Oh... Breathe.

Want to try another position? [GROANS]

Okay, okay.

Good, good, good. There you go.

[DEEP BREATHING]

Hello.

Oh, God.

Are you okay? Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.

Why... Why did you call me?

I wasn't here yet, so she was just a little scared.

So you called me. Oh, I can understand that.

It's not what you think. I called everybody I know.

Interestingly, I, uh, I don't see anybody else here.

Uh, you know what. I'm here now, so you can go.

Okay, but if you need me... Well, obviously you have my number.

Oh, don't overinterpret that. I just never took it out of my book.

I don't have your number, but whatever.

It was nice of you to think of me

at the most important moment of your life.

Somebody kill him and blame me.

Nice seeing you again, Pete.

That sort of stuff doesn't happen in the good room.

Breathe through it, Jamie.

There you go. Good girl.

Do you want something for the pain?

Mm-mmm. If I want something, I'll say.

All right. Just let me know.

Hi, honey. It's Mommy.

[GRUNTS]

Honey?

Oh! Honey.

Oh! Honey.

Why are you in so much pain? Hmm?

Probably because it hurts like hell.

[JAMIE BREATHES HEAVILY]

Hello.

Excuse me.

Could I talk to you for a second? Sure.

Uh, why don't you give her something for the pain?

Why are you letting her lie there and suffer like that?

Mrs. Stemple...

My baby is in pain. Why are you just standing there?

Why don't you do something?

Give... Give her a drip! You know, Theresa...

My daughter is in pain here!

Somebody help her! Help her! Somebody help my daughter!

What's the matter? You're all just standing there!

Help! Help! Help! Help my daughter!

You get out of my way!

Oh, honey, my God!

What kind of doctor do you call...

Mrs. Stemple, Jamie is try to have

a natural childbirth.

Ah...

Are you out of your mind?

Mrs. Stemple. This will make you feel so much better.

Breathe.

Why is it so noisy and crowded in here?

Jamie, they have to do this.

Don't even pay attention to them.

Shh! You just focus on...

Don't talk.

Why not? Just don't.

JOAN: Keep breathing, Jamie. You're doing great.

You really are. You are doing just...

Don't talk.

Just me? Yes.

I'm not allowed to talk? Please?

Joan just talked.

Anybody can talk. Just not you.

I just don't understand... Are you kidding me now?

Are you gonna pick a fight with me now?

No, no, no! You gonna start with me now?

[SCREAMS]

Do you have to do this now? Don't worry about her.

I hate her. It's all right.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I love you.

Mmm.

What are you doing?

What's the matter with you? Why aren't you saying something?

Now? Yes.

Now it's okay to talk?

Yes! Oh, no, no!

It's just during the contraction

I can't stand the sound of your voice.

I see.

Mmm. That makes sense.

What about the epidural?

No, not yet.

JOAN: All right.

[SIGHS] Sweetie, I love you.

Oh, I love you so much.

My God.

When you think about the fact... Remember when we first...

Wait. Shut up. I'm having another contraction.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

She's 100% effaced

and completely dilated.

All right, then it's time.

Jamie, honey, listen to me.

Jamie, listen to me. You're completely effaced and dilated.

That means it's time to push.

Okay. Now.

Now what? Now drugs.

Now? Now.

Jamie, honey, you see, it's too late.

What?

There's a certain window of opportunity

during which an epidural can be administered,

and in your case, you waited so long, that, well, now...

Now what? The window is closed.

What? It's closed.

It's closed? Open it. I can't.

You can't open the window? The window is closed.

No, no, no. Open the window. Honey, it's closed.

Break it! What kind of doctor are you?

I can't break the window. You're fired.

You're fired. Go on. Get out.

Leave the gloves here and get out.

Paul, break the window. I'm sorry, sweetie. I can't.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

All right, Jamie. You feel like pushing?

Yes. Okay, let's lift her up.

All right. Push!

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

One, two, three...

What are you doing? What?

Why are you squishing your face like that?

'Cause I'm feeling your pain.

But not really. I'm okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] One, two...

Three, four...

Five, six, seven, eight, nine...

Oh! [RETCHES]

She's pushing!

[ALL CHEERING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Six, seven, eight, nine...

Ten. [GROANS]

You're doing so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Paul, come here.

Over here. You see that?

Hey. It's your baby's head.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

What a beautiful head.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] PAUL: Oh!

Sweetie, it's got your little forehead thing going.

JOAN: Okay, Jamie, now, one more push.

I can't.

One more push. I know it's hard, honey, but you can.

One more push and this baby will be out. Come on. You ready?

You ready? No.

You ready? No.

You ready?

No. You ready?

I can't. I really can't. I just can't.

Yeah, you can, sweetie.

Yeah, you can, you can.

You can do anything.

[SOBBING]

I can.

Yes.

Ready.

Okay? Okay. Ready.

Ready? Okay.

Push, push... One, two...

Three... Push...

Good girl. Yeah.

Oh, here we go again, waiting for a baby.

Here it is. Got it. Got it.

[BABY CRIES]

You got yourselves a beautiful baby girl.

Here you go. Right there.

That's it.

[BABY CRIES]

Hey, hey.

Look who's here.

Hi.

Hi, little baby. Hi.

[CHUCKLES] Hey.

That's your mommy. Hi.

I'm your daddy.

Well, welcome to the world.

And we will be your hosts.

Yes.

You know what?

What?

Turns out this is the good room.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear

What's the name?

Still working on it.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[BABY GURGLES]

[LAUGHING]