Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Anything I can do?

Yes. You can put out the appetizers,

you can get the dip out of the refrigerator,

and you can make room in the closet for the coats.

You were just supposed to say, "No, thanks."

PAUL: Okay, where do these go?

JAMIE: Put those on the coffee table

next to the crib catalog.

Next to the crib catalog,

which I notice is open to a particular page. Mmm-hmm.

Your mother likes carrots.

I'm hoping she'll take one, see the crib catalog, ask me why I have it.

I'll mention that I happen to like that particular one.

She'll go and get it for us.

So that's your plan?

Carrot, crib. Carrot, crib.

She said she wanted to get us a crib.

It may as well be one we like.

We like this one? Yup.

Really? We don't find it a little pretentious?

No.

Are we sure?

We're positive. We love it.

We think it's very elegant.

It's for a baby. They don't care about elegance.

They walk around with poop in their pants.

Thank you very much. Please open the wine. All right.

Why are we doing this?

There are so many other things

we could be doing tonight.

I'm looking forward to it,

both of our parents here together.

Why? You know, they've gotten together

three times since we're married.

They'll get together maybe three more times in our life,

and then we can all go home. [DOORBELL BUZZING]

I want us to have a close family. Don't you want that?

No. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm against.

Ma, hi. Hello to you.

Oh, there's my little grandchild. Hiya, Pop.

[KISSING]

Hello, Sylvia.

Oh, hi.

Pop, would you like something to go with that?

Maybe some M&M's and a Slurpee?

The guy on the street was closing up,

and he sold me his whole stock for $3.00.

Oh!

We have a little surprise for you.

Not so little.

Boys?

Oh, look at this. Honey, a crib.

I decided to go ahead and get one.

Great.

Isn't it adorable?

We wanted to give it to you before the shower

so we wouldn't show anyone up.

Wow. It's so beautiful.

And funny thing is,

we were just talking about what kind of crib should we get,

so now we don't have to worry about that.

No, we don't. Ooh. Carrots.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

That's probably my mom.

Maybe the word is on the street

that we got everybody's pretzels.

Hi, sweetie! Hi, Mom.

Hi, darling.

Hi.

Oh, hi. How are you?

Mom, you remember Burt and Sylvia.

[LAUGHING]

What's this?

They just brought it for us. Isn't it beautiful?

[NERVOUS CHUCKLING]

Well...

Oh...

It's darling.

It... It's...

Darling. It's just very...

Darling.

Thank you.

And it's so...

Thoughtful. It's so very...

Darli... It's thoughtful...

It's a thoughtful and darling gift.

Mom, are you all right? Oh, sure.

Excuse me.

Is that it?

[EXHALES]

So, when's dinner?

Mom? What was all that about?

Oh, nothing. I just thought

maybe I'd left my umbrella out in the hall.

Your umbrella? Yes.

It's not raining.

Well, I know, but, uh...

They said it might.

Who?

The news.

Which channel?

Four. Four said sun.

Six. Six is in Spanish.

Well, don't be silly. I mean, why else would I go out into the hall?

[DOORBELL BUZZING] I'll get it!

MAN: Lady, we gotta deliver this.

[SIGHS]

What's this?

It's a crib that I bought for Jamie and Paul.

Cribs. Who knew?

We go to dinner, we generally bring wine.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you'd already had one.

Don't be. It's beautiful.

Isn't it? Isn't it? Oh!

I saw it when I was antiquing,

and I just fell in love with it.

[CHUCKLES] It's very attractive, isn't it, Burt?

Sure.

And, of course, Sylvia,

yours is also beautiful.

They're just both beautiful, generous gifts,

and I have absolutely no idea what to do here.

What's the problem? Just send one of them back.

Good idea. Yeah.

Absolutely.

Oh, I agree. I guess so.

Which one?

It's all a matter of which way you want to go.

What way is ours?

Yours...

It's fun.

It is fun. It... It's playful.

That's what yours is. And, uh...

Actually, I think maybe that might be the best way to go,

because, uh, before long,

this place will be filled up with toys

so there would be no point in having anything nice.

Like yours.

Well, mine is an antique.

And do we know anything

about the baby who had it first?

Uh, hey, you know what, how about some wine?

I ate six pretzels.

Hey, boss, where do you want the Airwalks?

Uh, storeroom, top shelf.

How you doing there, Marvin?

Okay. Yeah?

Hey, Star Wars. You like Star Wars, do you?

Sure.

'Cause I like it, too. MARVIN: Uh-huh.

Except for that new stuff they added.

I'm not so crazy about that, that Jabba the Hutt scene.

To me, it was a little redundant and self-indulgent.

It's only a movie.

No, I just meant, you know...

[MUTTERING] Yeah. See you later.

He's still mad at me, isn't he?

Who, Marvin? Yeah.

Why? I don't get it.

Okay, yes, I called him a sissy, but then I apologized.

He should like me now.

Paulie, do you like him?

What the hell's the difference? The point is,

I want him to like me.

Call me crazy. I don't care.

You're crazy. I don't care.

Look, everything's put away.

It's dead out there. You mind if we play a few hands?

No. Let's play. Beautiful.

Play a little poker, are you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You know, I was in a game for a while.

Is that right? Yeah.

We broke up, and I miss that game. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I been thinking I should get myself into a new game.

[SIGHS] Paulie, would you like to join us?

Sure. Yeah, if it's okay with Marvin.

Sure.

They're not special Star Warscards or anything.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Star Warscards.

Ho! I am hot.

I am in the zone.

I am in the hot zone.

Hey, boss, can I borrow another 20?

Hey, Marvin. I got you again.

I got you. Here you go.

All right.

Three...

And three more.

Ho. What, are you raising me?

What the hell you got there?

Are you in, or are you out?

All right, all right, all right, all right.

What do you got?

Three aces!

[ALL SHOUTING] Who's the man?

Zimmer! Zimmer! Zimmer!

Whoo!

Very nice, although, not quite as nice as a full house.

Ho-ho! Oh.

But, Marvin, you played very well.

You came in second.

You got to feel good about that.

Deal me in the next hand.

I think I'm going to step out after this one.

You're not going anywhere.

Paulie, I'm a little confused.

I thought you wanted him to like you.

I do.

Well, it's working like a charm.

What do you want me to do? I got good cards.

You know, he's totally broke.

Well, why wouldn't somebody tell me this?

What do we care if you and Marvin are friends?

Marvin. Marvin, can I talk to you for a second?

Excuse us. Excuse us, guys.

Hey, Marv, when I took all your money,

I didn't know that you were hurting.

Listen, let's just say that we were playing for fun.

We weren't playing for fun.

Does this look like the face of a man who is playing for fun?

Not really, no.

No. We were playing for money. And don't worry,

I'm gonna pay that $60 back that I owe you.

That's no problem. I'm not gonna forget about it.

Oh, you know, listen... [MUTTERING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Paulie, you never mention his financial problems, all right?

It humiliates him. He becomes furious.

Okay, could you tell me these things maybe before I do them?

Come here. Look what I got.

This is the perfect solution.

See, we tell our mothers that we went with a playpen instead of a crib,

and, that way, neither of them will feel slighted.

Both of them will feel slighted.

It's not a foolproof plan.

But look at this. Look at this.

It's soft and bouncy.

Well, at least the baby won't have to worry about mosquitoes.

What's the matter? You bought an ugly crib.

Seriously. My mother called.

Thank you.

She says she's not sure if she can make it to the baby shower,

then she immediately asked me if Sylvia was gonna be there.

Well, you know, my mother ain't crazy about her either.

What are we going to do with those two?

Keep them apart.

Do you want your child to grow up

and never see his two grandmothers in the same room?

Next to raising him in a democracy,

that's the greatest gift I could give him.

I have one idea.

What? Quilting.

Just sew our moms together?

When I was right out of college,

I got these two kittens, and they hated each other, no matter what I did.

I asked the vet what I should do about it,

and he said I should smear them both with tuna fish oil

and then lock them in the shower stall together.

I did, and when I went in to check on them,

they were all cuddled up in an adorable little ball

licking each other, and they were friends ever since.

All right. Let me just say right now,

if you smear our mothers with tuna fish,

they will be very angry.

I'm having them over here tomorrow to teach me how to quilt.

So... I'm the tuna. Get it?

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Well, all right.

There is an outside chance

that you could get licked to death by both our mothers.

Where do you want it?

Far away from here.

Just put it with the others.

[STAMMERS] What is this?

You bought a playpen. I bought this.

All right. So, maybe the baby will show up with friends.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Marvin. Hi. Hey, what are you doing here?

I came to pay you back some of what I owe.

You know, that's totally not necessary.

Really. It would make me feel much better.

Okay. Sure. Come on in.

But, you know, Marvin, listen,

only what you can absolutely afford.

I can't afford anything.

All right.

Would you like a receipt?

I thought I would, uh, work it off

doing small household chores.

You know, well... I...

I think I would feel kind of awkward with that.

Well, maybe you're right.

So it's back to the blood bank.

No, Marvin.

Marvin. No, no, no.

Yeah, sure. You could do some chores. Sure.

Okay. What?

I don't know.

I could stack your cribs.

You know, um, maybe just straighten up a little bit,

and then we'll call it even. No, no, no, no.

Straightening up is $5.00.

I didn't know you had a whole price list and everything.

Hi, Marvin. Hi, Mrs. Buchman.

Why are you cleaning?

He, uh... He wants to.

So, this is it? We're quilting?

This is the whole plan is in motion? They'll be here any minute.

You want to keep the Sharper Image catalog?

Uh, yeah, actually. You'll never order from it.

Fine.

I want to leave them alone together,

so what I need you to do is call me from work.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Okay, I wasn't planning to go in today.

Yes, you were. Oh, so I call you,

tell you to come down, you have to leave them.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey. Hi, Paulie. Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

This is Marvin.

Hi. Can I take your coat?

Thank you.

Two fifty. All right.

Well, what's this?

A mistake. It's going back.

I should hope so.

Oh, look at this.

My little girl's got a quilting basket.

Well, it's actually mine, but you girls go ahead.

Oh, I can't wait to show you my secrets.

Uh, you know what? Could we wait just a few minutes?

Why? Someone else is coming.

Who? Sylvia.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Really? You don't mind?

[LAUGHS] No, I don't mind. No.

I have to go. No, no, no, Mom.

Mom. Mom, please don't.

No. I really have to.

Why? Uh, a friend...

In the hospital.

She's very sick.

Which friend?

Joyce.

Joyce...

Starbucks.

She's in the hospital for...

Allergies.

Which hospital? The one uptown.

St. John's? Yes.

Downtown. They moved it?

Mom, will you just give Sylvia a chance?

I think you'd really like her.

All right. I'll stay if it'll make you happy,

but just for a few minutes.

Thank you so much. [DOORBELL BUZZING]

Can I freshen your coffee?

How much? Two bucks.

Go ahead.

Hello, Jamie. Hi.

Hi, Paul. PAUL: Hiya, Mama.

Look who's here.

I have to go.

No, wait. Come on. Come on.

I'd like to stay, but I have to get dinner started.

It's only 11:00.

I'm making a very special roast.

It takes three hours of preparation,

it takes two hours to marinate,

ninety minutes for cooking,

and a half an hour to sit.

What are you making, a bison?

Sylvia, I wanted you to show me

that wonderful stitch you did on the table runner.

The flower curl?

It's so beautiful.

All right. But I can only stay a few minutes.

[VACUUM MOTOR RUNNING]

Marvin? Marvin?

Marvin, listen, I'm going to go to the office.

So, you, uh, want to come with me?

For a $10 escort fee.

Deal.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Paul.

Really? Okay. I'll be right there.

Paul forgot his bag, so I have to run down and bring it to him.

We'll go with you.

No, no, no. Stay. Quilt.

Maybe even talk.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS AND SNIFFLES]

Uh...

I... I fold.

Fold? You got three kings showing.

Yeah. It looks like more than it is.

So, I guess my jacks have to bet the max.

I'm out. Me, too.

Me, too.

My children, come to Papa.

Boy, Marvin, you are making a killing here today.

Hey, Paul, man,

I'm so sorry I was so cold to you the other day after the game,

but I got a lot of issues with money.

Please. Come on.

I feel I deserve more than I have,

so when people who have money take it away from me,

I resent them.

Well, you're certainly articulate about that.

Yeah, well, I've been seeing a therapist,

and he's been a huge help.

Really? It's funny,

'cause your therapist is somebody who has money

who takes your money.

Well, there goes that.

No. I didn't mean to imply that...

JAMIE: Hey, guys.

Hi, Jamie. Hey.

This is what you do with your days?

No, no. We have Scrabble, too.

You want to play, Mrs. Buchman?

The table could always use a lovely lady.

Hey, poker, huh?

Uh, you know, maybe we should just go get a cup of coffee somewhere.

No, no, no. This sounds like fun.

See? She wants to play.

Okay, but, Marvin, see, the thing is...

Paul, I think I can handle myself, huh?

Okay. The game is Five Card Stud.

High-low, trips or better to win.

Let's see what we got.

A Jake, Trey,

a bullet, and a bitch.

He forgot his bag.

What, are we amateurs?

[CHUCKLES]

I wonder why she thinks we don't like each other.

I really have no idea.

I mean, we are very different women.

Different backgrounds.

Yeah. Different way of doing things.

Certainly different tastes.

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

In a million years, I wouldn't have chosen a crib like that.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You got a picture of me buying that one?

[LAUGHING]

Yeah. Yours is so gothic.

Gothic? Mmm-hmm.

Well... Yes, maybe so.

Much in the same way that yours is slightly...

Garish.

Garish? Uh-huh.

Mine is not garish.

Oh, well, then I guess neither is Las Vegas.

Would you please look at yours?

What about mine? Mine happens to be very inviting.

Sure, if you're Rosemary's baby.

Well, excuse me, but I don't think they're planning

on raising a baby clown.

I suppose you think that your crib

is much better than my crib.

No, no. I just think that your crib is threatened by my crib

because it has taste.

Your crib does not have taste.

Your crib is an uptight,

passive aggressive little priss.

Well, your crib is a loud, overbearing fishwife.

Your crib...

Has a bad dye job!

[GASPS]

Well, your crib can just go to hell!

Oh!

Don't you dare.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[FABRIC RIPS]

Oh!

Boy, Marvin sure got surly all of a sudden.

Yeah. He can be a moody guy.

So I won a little money.

Sweetie, you won $300.

There wasn't a guy at the table didn't want you dead.

It's not my fault they don't know how to bluff.

Why is it so quiet in there?

What happened here?

Mmm, the other cribs got together and voted this guy?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hi. Hello.

When did you two get here?

Just, uh, just now.

What do you think? Of...

The crib. The crib.

THERESA: We went shopping.

We bought it together. We picked it out.

Your mother has a very sharp eye.

Well, let me tell you, your mother is some wheeler-dealer.

Well, I do know the value of a dollar.

You hungry? Yeah. We made tuna sandwiches.

You've got a little spot.

Look, you've got a little thing here.

[MUTTERING]

You did all this together?

Yeah. Yeah.

What, I mean, we're family.

Yeah, I know, but, come on, you guys...

All right. All right. There were a few differences.

We ironed them out. Okay. Next case.

I mean, after all, we are going to be thrown together a lot

for the next 45, 50 years.

[MOCK SPITTING]

Oh, my God. This is just wonderful.

Would you please look at the hour?

Oh, God.

We were having such fun,

I forgot all about the time.

Well, now you kids enjoy the crib.

Mmm.

I saw a better crib.

I'll get it for you later.

I had to get that one just to shut her up.

[LAUGHING]

Bye, sweetheart. Bye, bye.

Sweetheart, see you later.

Bye, bye. Bye, you two.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, that was pretty nice, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your mother say anything to you?

No. Why? Yours?

No, nothing.

Okay. So, good. Yeah.

Okay.

I call.

[LAUGHS] Dear God.

Three kings.

Straight, 10 high.

Flush to the queen.

Full boat, sevens and deuces.

Sorry, boys. Straight flush.

MAN: In Front.