Original subtitles

INGRID BERGMAN: You're saying this only to make me go.

HUMPHREY BOGART: I'm saying it because it's true.

Inside of us we both know you belong with Victor.

INGRID: What about us?

HUMPHREY: We'll always have Paris.

We didn't have... We lost it until you came to Casablanca.

We got it back last night.

Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble,

but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people

don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Someday you'll understand that.

[MUSIC SWELLS]

Now, now...

Here's looking at you, kid.

Can I get you something, Jamie?

No, thanks, Bobby. I'm fine.

A little more popcorn?

No, uh, two kilos, that's pretty much my limit.

Okay.

But if you do need something,

you'll let me know, though, right?

I promise I will.

Great.

Bobby. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

CLAUDE RAINS: It might be a good idea for you

to disappear from Casablanca for a while.

Maybe some water. Water'd be great.

Oh, great. Great.

Sorry about my brother.

I don't know. I mean you're out to here,

not to mention the fact that you're married.

And you've got an 18-year-old kid fawning over you.

Does that bother you?

I wish it did.

Hey, hey, hey, shh!

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Oh, here's your water. Hmm, ah,

my goodness gracious. Look at that.

Yeah, I found it. I understand.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You know what? I actually have to go.

Boy, you'd think

getting off a couch would be easy, wouldn't you?

But it just isn't.

Then there's the whole fiasco of bending.

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Thank you, Bobby.

You're much more than welcome.

Very nice to meet everyone. ALL: Good night.

Thanks for inviting me and remembering it's my favorite movie.

You're welcome.

Hey, I remember when you first watched it with Paul,

your husband.

I was really glad to meet you, Jamie.

Take care, Bobby.

I hope we can meet again sometime. Okay.

You know, maybe Lisa will have everybody over

to watch another movie or something.

Okay.

Or maybe we'll just run into each other at a social function.

Okay. Or maybe we'll just happen to meet on the street.

Okay.

So until then, Jamie...

ALL: Okay!

He was so sweet and little. It was just adorable.

Mmm, yeah, he sounds very sweet and very little.

Okay, I have a question for you.

If you had to choose... I'm just saying

I, apparently, am still a babe.

I never said you were not a babe.

All right, here's my question.

If you had to decide today,

who would you select to be the guardian of said child

in the event that we were both killed, maimed, or other.

Wait, wait, wait. What happened there?

I spoke to this lawyer this morning,

and he says we have to select a guardian.

Now?

Well, if we do it after we're dead,

it'll just be so much harder.

Wow. Guardians.

Yeah.

Weird, huh?

Yeah.

So who do you think?

I don't wanna think.

Ira?

Ira?

Why not? He needs a guardian.

Okay. Lisa?

And that would be what, just to mock the whole idea of a guardian?

All right.

I think it... It should be a couple.

I think it should, too. I think it should be Mark and Fran.

Are you sure that's wise?

Why not? They're wonderful parents.

Their kid's a sociopath.

We're not sure that's their fault.

Must we stay up nights wondering?

They're our best friends.

Yeah, but I... I feel us drifting.

Plus we are Ryan's guardians.

I'm sure Fran is sitting there waiting for us to ask her.

You and me are Ryan's guardians?

You knew that.

We said yes years ago, but we didn't mean anything by it.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

The point is, should anything happen to Mark and Fran,

we are Ryan's parents.

Oh, boy. Honey, we gotta do everything we can

to keep them alive.

Hey, Oscar, what's going on?

This came.

Oh, great, thanks. It's for you.

Here, let me...

A little something...

Thank you so much. Here.

Okay?

Okay.

I just always feel like I'm disappointing him.

[LAUGHS]

What's that?

"To Jamie, this could be

"the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

"Love, Bobby." Mmm-hmm.

Look in the envelope.

Popcorn.

You know why?

'Cause you saw the movie last night.

You know why else? 'Cause you're still a babe?

Mmm-hmm. I see.

There's Fran.

Hi! Hi!

Hey.

How you been? Fine. How've you been?

Fine.

It's nice to see you.

Yeah. Who are you?

You don't remember us?

Um... Oh.

Oh... No.

Ha! We sure remember you.

Good! Okay. Hi, then. Hi!

Yeah, boy, we haven't seen you around here in ages.

Yeah, I got thrown out of my apartment.

Oh. Where've you been staying?

With friends.

You got thrown out of your apartment?

I bet therein lies a tale, huh?

What do you mean?

No, I just said it like...

Like there's a long story there.

No.

Okay, okay.

You know what? That's our friend, so we're just gonna go.

Okay. You're leaving?

No. No, we're just gonna go right over here. With our friend.

Oh, okay. Nice meeting you.

Is it us?

No. No.

Hi. Hi.

Who's on the phone? Mark.

Hi, Mark. Hi, Mark.

MARK: [SHOUTS] Hiya, guys. Listen,

tell them I'm sorry I couldn't be there.

He's sorry he can't be here.

Tell them I just couldn't get away.

He says he just couldn't get away.

Fran... We actually can hear him.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

God bless, Mark, never a soft-spoken fella.

So, James, tell me... How ya feeling?

Is it bad that my hands are swollen seven times their usual size?

Comes with the territory.

So, guys, what's going on? What did you wanna talk to us about?

Mark, honey, I'm gonna put you down.

Okay. Order me the soup! They got a minimum.

Always thinking. So...

What's going on?

Uh, why don't we order first, and then we'll tell ya.

[SIGHS] Are you pregnant?

Yes, I am.

Okay, I'm gonna get you a booster seat.

Uh, or I can tell you now.

MARK: What's up? Um...

Okay, here's the thing.

We, uh...

It's... My heart's beating a mile a minute.

Well, it's a very emotional thing.

What is it?Tell us, tell us.

Okay. Um...

You guys know how much we love you.

Yeah, yeah...

You're our best friends. You really are.

Yeah, yeah...

I'm so happy about this. I really am, too.

Okay. Fran...

Mark...

Would you be

the guardians of our child?

No.

I'm sorry. You heard her. No.

[SIGHS] I mean, thank you, and we're flattered,

but... No.

Absolutely not.

No?

You're saying, no?

Okay, here is your fettuccine.

Paul, we would like to do it.

We really would, but we just can't.

Why not? We're already guardians to, what is it, Fran...

Like six kids already.

We are so potentially overbooked.

It's incredible.

"Overbooked?"

The thing is... The thing is,

it's a very big responsibility!

You... You have to get to know the child intimately.

[STAMMERS] You have to...

You have to foster a special relationship with the child...

And your child and that child,

they have to get along...

They have to get along like... They gotta get along like

brother and sister! Am I right, Fran?

Am I right? Hello! [PHONE BUZZING]

You're right. I'm going into the tunnel!

First of all, it's not such a big responsibility.

We are guardians to, like, 30 kids.

Believe me, it means nothing. Nothing?

You're our kid's guardians, for crying out loud.

Yes, okay, Mark, I know, but, come on, let's be honest,

what are the chances? I can't believe you're saying no.

Is it our fault that you're having children relatively late in life?

That was uncalled for.

Our dance card is full!

Your "Dance card?"

Well, maybe we have to rethink

whether or not we want Ryan on our dance card.

What's the difference, since you think it means nothing anyway?

Fine. Get up, Frannie.

Pick me up. Walk away from the table.

Hey! You don't walk away from me, buddy. Put me down!

Let me go, Paul!

Put me down! Paul, put me down!

Fine!

Consider yourself no longer Ryan's guardians.

Fine! Good!

We're better off. So are we.

Frannie, walk away. Just walk away.

I refuse to eat with these people.

Fine. Walk away.

And also, since we don't have to take care of the kid,

you can drop dead now.

I thought the guy on the phone wanted soup.

I can't believe Mark and Fran would turn us down.

You think you know people.

Can I just say my ring finger

is now the thickness of a small banana?

Which leads us to our next question,

who's our second choice?

Oh, boy...

Your parents?

I just can't do that to my child.

All right. Okay.

I think Joan and Debbie.

Do you think that's wise?

You gonna say that every time?

No, I think it's a great idea.

I just thought...

I'm not so sure it's a good idea.

Why? You mean because they're lesbians?

No. No, I mean because you know, there'd...

There'd be no man in the couple.

Which I understand that's the whole point of lesbians,

yes, but still...

I think Joan and Debbie would make fantastic parents.

Hey, listen, I don't argue. I think they'd be great.

Much better parents than Mark and Fran.

Mark and Fran,

I wouldn't let them watch my goldfish for the weekend.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh! Got it.

That's so funny. My ring...

Comes off like that. [SNAPS FINGERS] How do you know?

Huh? I take it off when I go out to meet girls.

Hi, Oscar. What's... What's up?

These came.

Oh, okay, well, just... Great, here you go, there.

All right?

Just tell me what I can do, Oscar.

Tell me what I can do.

Let me see, let me see.

It's something.

[LAUGHS]

[READING]

"...You belong with Bobby Rubenfeld."

That is hilarious.

That's the guy? Uh-huh.

Actual size?

Jealous? A little jealous?

A little tiny bit jealous?

Not really. Why not?

I'm looking at Bugsy Malone there.

What does that card say?

"Here's your crappy saucepan from the dinner party

"that time. Don't ever call us again.

"Mark and Fran."

Mine's better. Yes.

Yeah, and then last year I got my heart broken twice by three guys.

For a total of six?

Huh?

Twice by three guys.

No, a total of twice.

All right, so once was by two guys?

No, twice by three guys.

Right, but of that twice by three guys,

once by one guy and once by two guys?

No, the second time was one guy.

Okay, so one...

One time was by one guy,

and the second time was by one guy?

Uh-huh.

So that's a total of two guys.

Uh-huh.

So then who was the third guy?

Yeah, my friend Walter.

He didn't break your heart?

No, but he was around.

I see. Okay.

Hi, guys.

Hi! Hiya, Joanie.

Hello. Hello!

Would, um, would you like to start with a drink?

Uh, Chianti, please.

I'll have the same. Sparkling water.

Uh, a beer. Whatever you got.

Okay, why don't I give you a little time.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, it's our pleasure. What's up?

Well, here's the thing.

Um, first, we want you to know how much

we both love you.

JAMIE: We really do love you so much.

And, you know, really, I mean,

I... I would have to say at this point you are our best friends.

It's true. BOTH: Oh...

Um... Okay, well...

You know we're gonna have a baby soon.

Oh, this is why you've been coming to the office so much.

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Ah-ha!

Well, would you be

the guardians of that child?

We have to go.

PAUL: What?

Just don't ask, Paul, please.

It's a little bit of a sore subject.

It's not gonna be any less sore later.

Could we not do this in a bar and grill?

What... We didn't mean to say anything. I don't know what...

Okay... Here we go.

Diet Pepsi...

And chocolate shake,

mochaccino.

Two eggs over easy. Uh, Miss...

Simmer down. The bacon's right here.

Your sister doesn't wanna have any more children.

I don't wanna be a parent again.

JOAN: Why not? Look, you don't understand, okay?

You're through with the baby the day it's born.

Believe me, there's a lot more work after that.

Everybody, let's calm down.

Listen. Listen. We're not asking you to be the parents.

Yes, you are. Yes, we are.

Well, yes, okay, but...

Realistically, what are the chances?

Will you excuse me please?

I'm sorry, Jamie, and I'm sorry, Paul,

but this is just the way it's gonna have to be.

You know what? It's the lunch rush.

I'm doing the best I can.

Uncle Phil? No.

Aunt Blossom? No.

Nat?

You know, the sad thing is I'm only half kidding.

At least with Nat, you'd know the child would be walked.

It certainly would.

Do you know what I'm realizing?

We don't have so many friends.

I know.

Why is that? We used to have friends, didn't we?

We did. So where'd they go?

Like Selby. What the hell happened to him?

Please don't call him.

All right. All right.

I think we both know who it has to be.

PAUL: Hey, Mom, Pop...

Um...

You know the esteem in which we hold you.

And... And at the end of the day,

you two are as fine a couple of people as we still talk to.

What is this?

What do you want?

Where is that dippy girl with my soup?

Okay, okay. Um...

What we want is

for you to be the guardians of our child.

In case something should ever happen to us, at least...

[SPITTING] Don't even mention such a thing.

No, I know it's not the most pleasant of prospects...

What's the matter with you,

tempting the fates with talk like that?

Tempting the fates? We ju... Stop it! Stop the talking!

No, we're just trying to protect ourselv...

[BOTH SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

What are you... You're gonna hurt yourselves, there.

We just don't want our child to be all alone in the world.

My God, cut it out! What's wrong with you?

No... I will not have this conversation!

If we die, we need... [SPITTING]

In case, God forbid, someth... Don't you dare. [SPITTING]

Say another word about it.

[SPITTING]

[CONTINUES SPITTING]

She's so funny.

Well, this is the lesson.

A surprising number of people, when the chips are down,

cannot be relied upon.

When the chips are up, fine. But otherwise...

Which is why you and I, we have to cling to each other like monkeys.

What do we do now?

I don't know. We... We approach total strangers.

All right, how about this guy? Paul.

Excuse me, sir. Sir...

How would you like to be the guardian of our forthcoming child?

I don't know Philadelphia. I don't know.

Proud of yourself now?

I took a shot.

[CAR HORNS BLARING]

What is this?

[HONKING]

Right in front of our building.

I hope nothing gruesome happened.

I think Mrs. Kendle went out naked again.

JAMIE: Excuse us.

PAUL: Excuse me.

JAMIE: Oh, my God.

Jamie! Over here!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is just a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

He's got a lot of clothes, this kid.

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

Bobby. I understand. Heh.

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say, I love you

♪ On that you can rely

Is this her? Yes.

She's maybe a little bit old for him.

Yeah, and a sit-up wouldn't kill her.

Oh, but she's so beautiful.

This is a nice story.

♪ No matter what the future brings

♪ As time goes by ♪

Will you excuse me for one minute?

Oh, sure.

I'm very happy for you.

Thank you. Here's my advice,

always get up from the dinner table

still wanting a little something.

Thank you... So much.

All right, Bobby. Knock it off.

♪ It's still the same old story

♪ A fight for love and glory ♪

I said knock it off.

[BAND STOPS]

Bobby...

Listen to me... Hi, Jamie.

Hi.

Hey, where's your ring?

No, no, no. You see,

I had to take it off because my fingers...

Two, three, four. Were swelling.

♪ A case of do or die ♪

Bobby.

[BAND STOPS]

Jamie.

Bobby, you have to stop.

I do?

Yes. You do.

You're a very, very sweet...

You're a very sweet person, but...

For one thing, I'm much too old for you.

Oh, Jamie, I don't care about that.

Do you understand? Lyndon Johnson

was president when I was born.

[LAUGHS] So?

There were 43 states in the union.

So?

The word for fire was "Ga."

Jamie, I get it, but I don't care.

That's very sweet, Bobby, and very flattering,

but, as you know, I'm married.

ALL: Oh!

Hiya. Uh, let me say hello.

I'm Paul, the husband.

ALL: Oh!

Hi, Paul.

I'm Bobby. Bobby.

And I'm in love with your wife.

ALL: Oh!

Okay, Bobby, as you also know,

I'm pregnant, and I'm gonna have a baby in about 10 minutes.

ALL: Oh!

Well, this sure turned ugly.

And, by the way, the baby,

also in large part due to me...

Paul, the husband. Bobby...

Jamie, I don't care about any of that.

You're awesome.

And that's all that matters.

I'm disgusted.

Slut!

Sicko!

What are you hitting me for?

How can you let a situation like this fester?

I'm not really comfortable here anymore.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Bobby...

The thing is...

I'm taken.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

You know... [SIGHS]

You know, the thing is if...

If we weren't just so happily married... Believe me.

It's okay. I understand.

Pack it up, fellas.

ALL: Aw!

God, this was so expensive.

What did you do? 'Cause I'm fascinated.

Did you hire the whole band here?

Bobby, are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, you know, I'll borrow from my Dad.

No, no, no. I mean, are you gonna be okay... Here?

What's the difference?

I mean, the problems of three little people

don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Here's looking... Bobby.

I'm going, I'm going.

[AS TIME GOES BYPLAYS]

Why don't you ever say stuff like that?

I do. I don't hire a band, but I say it.

DEBBIE AND JOAN: Hi!

Oh, we were coming to see you.

What's up?

Well, we did some talking. A little talking.

And we decided we're really sorry about what happened before.

Very sorry.

We were going through some stuff... Little stuff.

And we changed our minds. Big change.

So we would like to be your baby's guardians...

Very much. If that's okay with you.

Oh, what, are you kidding?

It's extremely okay with us.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I'm so relieved. Joan, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

FRAN: Hi, you guys!

Hi. Hi.

Listen, Mark and I want to apologize.

MARK: We do! We really, really, really do!

You know Joan, don't you?

Yeah, one minute, one minute.

Just, just, just let me get this out.

Mark and I feel terrible.

And of course you know Paul's sister Debbie. Yeah.

We didn't know what we were saying.

We were myopic is what we were.

MARK: Totally myopic and crazy.

We are really, really sorry.

We would love to be your child's guardian.

Boy, uh, what would be the right thing to say now?

I just couldn't possibly be more uncomfortable.

Hi! Hi!

If that plane leaves the ground

and you're not with him, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Okay, what plane?

Ursula, I've got a job to do,

and where I'm going, you can't follow.

What I've got to do, you can't be any part of.

Well, that's okay. I have to work late anyway.

Well, here's looking at you, kid.

Who's Yukid?