All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E21 - Guardianhood-ing

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,649 --> 00:00:06,029 INGRID BERGMAN: You're saying this only to make me go. 2 00:00:06,167 --> 00:00:08,100 HUMPHREY BOGART: I'm saying it because it's true. 3 00:00:08,238 --> 00:00:10,171 Inside of us we both know you belong with Victor. 4 00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:12,139 INGRID: What about us? 5 00:00:12,277 --> 00:00:13,796 HUMPHREY: We'll always have Paris. 6 00:00:13,934 --> 00:00:17,109 We didn't have... We lost it until you came to Casablanca. 7 00:00:17,247 --> 00:00:18,870 We got it back last night. 8 00:00:20,216 --> 00:00:21,942 Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, 9 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,462 but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people 10 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,188 don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. 11 00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:30,019 Someday you'll understand that. 12 00:00:30,157 --> 00:00:31,814 [MUSIC SWELLS] 13 00:00:31,952 --> 00:00:33,091 Now, now... 14 00:00:35,438 --> 00:00:36,888 Here's looking at you, kid. 15 00:00:40,305 --> 00:00:41,858 Can I get you something, Jamie? 16 00:00:41,996 --> 00:00:43,343 No, thanks, Bobby. I'm fine. 17 00:00:47,139 --> 00:00:48,934 A little more popcorn? 18 00:00:49,072 --> 00:00:51,558 No, uh, two kilos, that's pretty much my limit. 19 00:00:51,696 --> 00:00:53,353 Okay. 20 00:00:53,491 --> 00:00:54,526 But if you do need something, 21 00:00:54,664 --> 00:00:56,425 you'll let me know, though, right? 22 00:00:56,563 --> 00:00:57,564 I promise I will. 23 00:00:57,702 --> 00:00:58,703 Great. 24 00:01:04,571 --> 00:01:07,021 Bobby. Oh, sorry. Sorry. 25 00:01:07,159 --> 00:01:08,264 CLAUDE RAINS: It might be a good idea for you 26 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,714 to disappear from Casablanca for a while. 27 00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,509 Maybe some water. Water'd be great. 28 00:01:11,647 --> 00:01:12,682 Oh, great. Great. 29 00:01:15,236 --> 00:01:16,410 Sorry about my brother. 30 00:01:16,548 --> 00:01:18,723 I don't know. I mean you're out to here, 31 00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,828 not to mention the fact that you're married. 32 00:01:20,966 --> 00:01:22,727 And you've got an 18-year-old kid fawning over you. 33 00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:23,831 Does that bother you? 34 00:01:23,969 --> 00:01:25,005 I wish it did. 35 00:01:26,351 --> 00:01:28,180 Hey, hey, hey, shh! 36 00:01:28,318 --> 00:01:31,701 Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 37 00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,637 Oh, here's your water. Hmm, ah, 38 00:01:36,775 --> 00:01:38,294 my goodness gracious. Look at that. 39 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,054 Yeah, I found it. I understand. 40 00:01:40,192 --> 00:01:41,193 Yeah. 41 00:01:43,092 --> 00:01:44,265 Thank you. 42 00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:46,647 You know what? I actually have to go. 43 00:01:46,785 --> 00:01:48,131 Boy, you'd think 44 00:01:48,269 --> 00:01:49,719 getting off a couch would be easy, wouldn't you? 45 00:01:49,857 --> 00:01:51,514 But it just isn't. 46 00:01:51,652 --> 00:01:53,205 Then there's the whole fiasco of bending. 47 00:01:53,343 --> 00:01:54,552 Oh, I got it. I got it. 48 00:01:57,175 --> 00:01:58,176 Thank you, Bobby. 49 00:01:58,314 --> 00:02:00,074 You're much more than welcome. 50 00:02:00,212 --> 00:02:02,007 Very nice to meet everyone. ALL: Good night. 51 00:02:02,145 --> 00:02:05,079 Thanks for inviting me and remembering it's my favorite movie. 52 00:02:05,217 --> 00:02:06,633 You're welcome. 53 00:02:06,771 --> 00:02:08,428 Hey, I remember when you first watched it with Paul, 54 00:02:08,566 --> 00:02:09,601 your husband. 55 00:02:09,739 --> 00:02:11,120 I was really glad to meet you, Jamie. 56 00:02:11,258 --> 00:02:12,397 Take care, Bobby. 57 00:02:12,535 --> 00:02:14,192 I hope we can meet again sometime. Okay. 58 00:02:14,330 --> 00:02:15,642 You know, maybe Lisa will have everybody over 59 00:02:15,780 --> 00:02:17,575 to watch another movie or something. 60 00:02:17,713 --> 00:02:19,231 Okay. 61 00:02:19,369 --> 00:02:21,337 Or maybe we'll just run into each other at a social function. 62 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,444 Okay. Or maybe we'll just happen to meet on the street. 63 00:02:24,582 --> 00:02:25,548 Okay. 64 00:02:25,686 --> 00:02:27,205 So until then, Jamie... 65 00:02:27,343 --> 00:02:29,310 ALL: Okay! 66 00:02:33,832 --> 00:02:37,629 He was so sweet and little. It was just adorable. 67 00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:39,907 Mmm, yeah, he sounds very sweet and very little. 68 00:02:40,045 --> 00:02:41,530 Okay, I have a question for you. 69 00:02:41,668 --> 00:02:43,255 If you had to choose... I'm just saying 70 00:02:43,393 --> 00:02:44,912 I, apparently, am still a babe. 71 00:02:46,189 --> 00:02:47,674 I never said you were not a babe. 72 00:02:47,812 --> 00:02:49,089 All right, here's my question. 73 00:02:49,227 --> 00:02:50,642 If you had to decide today, 74 00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:53,231 who would you select to be the guardian of said child 75 00:02:53,369 --> 00:02:56,234 in the event that we were both killed, maimed, or other. 76 00:02:56,372 --> 00:02:57,891 Wait, wait, wait. What happened there? 77 00:02:58,029 --> 00:02:59,271 I spoke to this lawyer this morning, 78 00:02:59,409 --> 00:03:01,515 and he says we have to select a guardian. 79 00:03:01,653 --> 00:03:02,999 Now? 80 00:03:03,137 --> 00:03:04,518 Well, if we do it after we're dead, 81 00:03:04,656 --> 00:03:05,933 it'll just be so much harder. 82 00:03:08,039 --> 00:03:09,489 Wow. Guardians. 83 00:03:09,627 --> 00:03:10,593 Yeah. 84 00:03:11,698 --> 00:03:12,630 Weird, huh? 85 00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:14,148 Yeah. 86 00:03:14,286 --> 00:03:15,253 So who do you think? 87 00:03:15,391 --> 00:03:16,496 I don't wanna think. 88 00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:17,876 Ira? 89 00:03:19,222 --> 00:03:20,258 Ira? 90 00:03:21,673 --> 00:03:23,468 Why not? He needs a guardian. 91 00:03:25,263 --> 00:03:27,783 Okay. Lisa? 92 00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:30,026 And that would be what, just to mock the whole idea of a guardian? 93 00:03:30,164 --> 00:03:31,545 All right. 94 00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:33,374 I think it... It should be a couple. 95 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,445 I think it should, too. I think it should be Mark and Fran. 96 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,379 Are you sure that's wise? 97 00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,209 Why not? They're wonderful parents. 98 00:03:40,347 --> 00:03:41,866 Their kid's a sociopath. 99 00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,557 We're not sure that's their fault. 100 00:03:45,283 --> 00:03:47,078 Must we stay up nights wondering? 101 00:03:47,941 --> 00:03:49,390 They're our best friends. 102 00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,979 Yeah, but I... I feel us drifting. 103 00:03:52,117 --> 00:03:54,430 Plus we are Ryan's guardians. 104 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,537 I'm sure Fran is sitting there waiting for us to ask her. 105 00:03:57,675 --> 00:03:59,504 You and me are Ryan's guardians? 106 00:03:59,642 --> 00:04:01,851 You knew that. 107 00:04:01,989 --> 00:04:04,923 We said yes years ago, but we didn't mean anything by it. 108 00:04:06,615 --> 00:04:07,961 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 109 00:04:08,099 --> 00:04:10,480 The point is, should anything happen to Mark and Fran, 110 00:04:10,619 --> 00:04:12,172 we are Ryan's parents. 111 00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:14,519 Oh, boy. Honey, we gotta do everything we can 112 00:04:14,657 --> 00:04:16,452 to keep them alive. 113 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,040 Hey, Oscar, what's going on? 114 00:04:18,178 --> 00:04:19,179 This came. 115 00:04:20,421 --> 00:04:21,906 Oh, great, thanks. It's for you. 116 00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:23,045 Here, let me... 117 00:04:23,183 --> 00:04:24,253 A little something... 118 00:04:24,391 --> 00:04:26,255 Thank you so much. Here. 119 00:04:26,393 --> 00:04:27,428 Okay? 120 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,090 Okay. 121 00:04:36,265 --> 00:04:38,232 I just always feel like I'm disappointing him. 122 00:04:38,785 --> 00:04:39,717 [LAUGHS] 123 00:04:39,855 --> 00:04:40,821 What's that? 124 00:04:41,857 --> 00:04:43,099 "To Jamie, this could be 125 00:04:43,237 --> 00:04:44,791 "the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 126 00:04:44,929 --> 00:04:46,068 "Love, Bobby." Mmm-hmm. 127 00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:47,414 Look in the envelope. 128 00:04:47,552 --> 00:04:48,484 Popcorn. 129 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,623 You know why? 130 00:04:49,761 --> 00:04:51,107 'Cause you saw the movie last night. 131 00:04:51,245 --> 00:04:52,661 You know why else? 'Cause you're still a babe? 132 00:04:52,799 --> 00:04:53,765 Mmm-hmm. I see. 133 00:05:05,017 --> 00:05:05,983 There's Fran. 134 00:05:06,605 --> 00:05:08,192 Hi! Hi! 135 00:05:09,573 --> 00:05:10,505 Hey. 136 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,887 How you been? Fine. How've you been? 137 00:05:13,025 --> 00:05:14,164 Fine. 138 00:05:14,302 --> 00:05:15,441 It's nice to see you. 139 00:05:15,579 --> 00:05:17,305 Yeah. Who are you? 140 00:05:19,410 --> 00:05:20,446 You don't remember us? 141 00:05:21,378 --> 00:05:23,000 Um... Oh. 142 00:05:23,138 --> 00:05:24,899 Oh... No. 143 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,557 Ha! We sure remember you. 144 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,388 Good! Okay. Hi, then. Hi! 145 00:05:31,526 --> 00:05:34,253 Yeah, boy, we haven't seen you around here in ages. 146 00:05:34,391 --> 00:05:36,255 Yeah, I got thrown out of my apartment. 147 00:05:36,393 --> 00:05:38,602 Oh. Where've you been staying? 148 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:39,707 With friends. 149 00:05:41,363 --> 00:05:42,606 You got thrown out of your apartment? 150 00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:45,057 I bet therein lies a tale, huh? 151 00:05:45,195 --> 00:05:46,161 What do you mean? 152 00:05:47,162 --> 00:05:48,129 No, I just said it like... 153 00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,062 Like there's a long story there. 154 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,235 No. 155 00:05:53,582 --> 00:05:55,550 Okay, okay. 156 00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:57,932 You know what? That's our friend, so we're just gonna go. 157 00:05:58,070 --> 00:05:59,554 Okay. You're leaving? 158 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,729 No. No, we're just gonna go right over here. With our friend. 159 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:03,592 Oh, okay. Nice meeting you. 160 00:06:05,594 --> 00:06:06,526 Is it us? 161 00:06:06,665 --> 00:06:07,873 No. No. 162 00:06:08,011 --> 00:06:08,977 Hi. Hi. 163 00:06:09,115 --> 00:06:10,289 Who's on the phone? Mark. 164 00:06:10,427 --> 00:06:11,531 Hi, Mark. Hi, Mark. 165 00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:12,843 MARK: [SHOUTS] Hiya, guys. Listen, 166 00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,120 tell them I'm sorry I couldn't be there. 167 00:06:14,258 --> 00:06:15,743 He's sorry he can't be here. 168 00:06:15,881 --> 00:06:17,468 Tell them I just couldn't get away. 169 00:06:17,606 --> 00:06:18,953 He says he just couldn't get away. 170 00:06:19,091 --> 00:06:20,782 Fran... We actually can hear him. 171 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,266 Oh. [CHUCKLES] 172 00:06:22,404 --> 00:06:25,062 God bless, Mark, never a soft-spoken fella. 173 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,306 So, James, tell me... How ya feeling? 174 00:06:27,444 --> 00:06:30,965 Is it bad that my hands are swollen seven times their usual size? 175 00:06:31,103 --> 00:06:32,898 Comes with the territory. 176 00:06:33,036 --> 00:06:34,796 So, guys, what's going on? What did you wanna talk to us about? 177 00:06:34,934 --> 00:06:36,764 Mark, honey, I'm gonna put you down. 178 00:06:36,902 --> 00:06:39,559 Okay. Order me the soup! They got a minimum. 179 00:06:40,975 --> 00:06:42,770 Always thinking. So... 180 00:06:42,908 --> 00:06:44,323 What's going on? 181 00:06:44,461 --> 00:06:46,843 Uh, why don't we order first, and then we'll tell ya. 182 00:06:46,981 --> 00:06:48,223 [SIGHS] Are you pregnant? 183 00:06:48,361 --> 00:06:49,535 Yes, I am. 184 00:06:49,673 --> 00:06:50,985 Okay, I'm gonna get you a booster seat. 185 00:06:54,264 --> 00:06:55,368 Uh, or I can tell you now. 186 00:06:55,506 --> 00:06:56,956 MARK: What's up? Um... 187 00:06:57,094 --> 00:06:58,717 Okay, here's the thing. 188 00:06:58,855 --> 00:07:00,028 We, uh... 189 00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:01,996 It's... My heart's beating a mile a minute. 190 00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:03,652 Well, it's a very emotional thing. 191 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:06,103 What is it?Tell us, tell us. 192 00:07:06,241 --> 00:07:07,587 Okay. Um... 193 00:07:07,726 --> 00:07:09,589 You guys know how much we love you. 194 00:07:09,728 --> 00:07:10,936 Yeah, yeah... 195 00:07:11,074 --> 00:07:12,765 You're our best friends. You really are. 196 00:07:12,903 --> 00:07:14,387 Yeah, yeah... 197 00:07:14,525 --> 00:07:16,804 I'm so happy about this. I really am, too. 198 00:07:16,942 --> 00:07:18,495 Okay. Fran... 199 00:07:18,633 --> 00:07:19,876 Mark... 200 00:07:20,014 --> 00:07:21,360 Would you be 201 00:07:21,498 --> 00:07:23,500 the guardians of our child? 202 00:07:25,295 --> 00:07:26,296 No. 203 00:07:27,193 --> 00:07:29,989 I'm sorry. You heard her. No. 204 00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:33,510 [SIGHS] I mean, thank you, and we're flattered, 205 00:07:33,648 --> 00:07:34,614 but... No. 206 00:07:34,753 --> 00:07:36,306 Absolutely not. 207 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:37,686 No? 208 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,102 You're saying, no? 209 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,931 Okay, here is your fettuccine. 210 00:07:43,244 --> 00:07:44,279 Paul, we would like to do it. 211 00:07:44,417 --> 00:07:46,350 We really would, but we just can't. 212 00:07:46,488 --> 00:07:48,767 Why not? We're already guardians to, what is it, Fran... 213 00:07:48,905 --> 00:07:50,216 Like six kids already. 214 00:07:50,354 --> 00:07:51,908 We are so potentially overbooked. 215 00:07:52,046 --> 00:07:53,012 It's incredible. 216 00:07:53,150 --> 00:07:54,082 "Overbooked?" 217 00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:55,774 The thing is... The thing is, 218 00:07:55,912 --> 00:07:57,879 it's a very big responsibility! 219 00:07:58,017 --> 00:08:01,158 You... You have to get to know the child intimately. 220 00:08:01,296 --> 00:08:02,815 [STAMMERS] You have to... 221 00:08:02,953 --> 00:08:05,542 You have to foster a special relationship with the child... 222 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,544 And your child and that child, 223 00:08:07,682 --> 00:08:09,166 they have to get along... 224 00:08:09,304 --> 00:08:10,754 They have to get along like... They gotta get along like 225 00:08:10,892 --> 00:08:12,204 brother and sister! Am I right, Fran? 226 00:08:12,342 --> 00:08:13,861 Am I right? Hello! [PHONE BUZZING] 227 00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:16,242 You're right. I'm going into the tunnel! 228 00:08:17,657 --> 00:08:20,039 First of all, it's not such a big responsibility. 229 00:08:20,177 --> 00:08:22,490 We are guardians to, like, 30 kids. 230 00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:24,803 Believe me, it means nothing. Nothing? 231 00:08:24,941 --> 00:08:26,701 You're our kid's guardians, for crying out loud. 232 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,048 Yes, okay, Mark, I know, but, come on, let's be honest, 233 00:08:29,186 --> 00:08:31,810 what are the chances? I can't believe you're saying no. 234 00:08:31,948 --> 00:08:34,743 Is it our fault that you're having children relatively late in life? 235 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,055 That was uncalled for. 236 00:08:36,193 --> 00:08:37,470 Our dance card is full! 237 00:08:37,608 --> 00:08:38,851 Your "Dance card?" 238 00:08:38,989 --> 00:08:40,749 Well, maybe we have to rethink 239 00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,649 whether or not we want Ryan on our dance card. 240 00:08:43,787 --> 00:08:47,032 What's the difference, since you think it means nothing anyway? 241 00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:48,723 Fine. Get up, Frannie. 242 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,863 Pick me up. Walk away from the table. 243 00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:52,934 Hey! You don't walk away from me, buddy. Put me down! 244 00:08:53,072 --> 00:08:54,004 Let me go, Paul! 245 00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:55,350 Put me down! Paul, put me down! 246 00:08:55,488 --> 00:08:57,007 Fine! 247 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:57,974 Consider yourself no longer Ryan's guardians. 248 00:08:58,112 --> 00:08:59,044 Fine! Good! 249 00:08:59,182 --> 00:09:00,321 We're better off. So are we. 250 00:09:00,459 --> 00:09:02,012 Frannie, walk away. Just walk away. 251 00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:04,221 I refuse to eat with these people. 252 00:09:04,359 --> 00:09:06,016 Fine. Walk away. 253 00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,811 And also, since we don't have to take care of the kid, 254 00:09:07,949 --> 00:09:09,054 you can drop dead now. 255 00:09:10,538 --> 00:09:12,126 I thought the guy on the phone wanted soup. 256 00:09:24,447 --> 00:09:27,450 I can't believe Mark and Fran would turn us down. 257 00:09:27,588 --> 00:09:28,762 You think you know people. 258 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,281 Can I just say my ring finger 259 00:09:30,419 --> 00:09:32,317 is now the thickness of a small banana? 260 00:09:33,732 --> 00:09:35,355 Which leads us to our next question, 261 00:09:35,493 --> 00:09:36,494 who's our second choice? 262 00:09:36,632 --> 00:09:37,633 Oh, boy... 263 00:09:38,392 --> 00:09:39,428 Your parents? 264 00:09:40,429 --> 00:09:42,534 I just can't do that to my child. 265 00:09:44,122 --> 00:09:45,123 All right. Okay. 266 00:09:45,261 --> 00:09:46,573 I think Joan and Debbie. 267 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:48,920 Do you think that's wise? 268 00:09:50,508 --> 00:09:52,130 You gonna say that every time? 269 00:09:52,268 --> 00:09:53,925 No, I think it's a great idea. 270 00:09:54,063 --> 00:09:55,030 I just thought... 271 00:09:55,168 --> 00:09:56,894 I'm not so sure it's a good idea. 272 00:09:57,032 --> 00:09:58,619 Why? You mean because they're lesbians? 273 00:09:58,757 --> 00:10:01,588 No. No, I mean because you know, there'd... 274 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,142 There'd be no man in the couple. 275 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,455 Which I understand that's the whole point of lesbians, 276 00:10:06,593 --> 00:10:08,146 yes, but still... 277 00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:11,356 I think Joan and Debbie would make fantastic parents. 278 00:10:11,494 --> 00:10:13,289 Hey, listen, I don't argue. I think they'd be great. 279 00:10:13,427 --> 00:10:15,360 Much better parents than Mark and Fran. 280 00:10:15,498 --> 00:10:16,983 Mark and Fran, 281 00:10:17,121 --> 00:10:20,020 I wouldn't let them watch my goldfish for the weekend. 282 00:10:20,158 --> 00:10:21,642 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 283 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:22,781 Oh! Got it. 284 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,507 That's so funny. My ring... 285 00:10:24,645 --> 00:10:27,165 Comes off like that. [SNAPS FINGERS] How do you know? 286 00:10:27,303 --> 00:10:29,271 Huh? I take it off when I go out to meet girls. 287 00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:32,930 Hi, Oscar. What's... What's up? 288 00:10:33,068 --> 00:10:34,241 These came. 289 00:10:34,379 --> 00:10:36,519 Oh, okay, well, just... Great, here you go, there. 290 00:10:37,279 --> 00:10:38,245 All right? 291 00:10:45,908 --> 00:10:47,979 Just tell me what I can do, Oscar. 292 00:10:48,117 --> 00:10:49,394 Tell me what I can do. 293 00:10:49,532 --> 00:10:51,431 Let me see, let me see. 294 00:10:51,569 --> 00:10:52,604 It's something. 295 00:10:54,848 --> 00:10:55,849 [LAUGHS] 296 00:10:57,368 --> 00:10:59,163 [READING] 297 00:10:59,301 --> 00:11:01,027 "...You belong with Bobby Rubenfeld." 298 00:11:01,165 --> 00:11:02,994 That is hilarious. 299 00:11:03,132 --> 00:11:05,031 That's the guy? Uh-huh. 300 00:11:05,169 --> 00:11:06,170 Actual size? 301 00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,691 Jealous? A little jealous? 302 00:11:10,829 --> 00:11:12,038 A little tiny bit jealous? 303 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,179 Not really. Why not? 304 00:11:15,317 --> 00:11:17,077 I'm looking at Bugsy Malone there. 305 00:11:17,905 --> 00:11:19,217 What does that card say? 306 00:11:19,355 --> 00:11:21,392 "Here's your crappy saucepan from the dinner party 307 00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:22,980 "that time. Don't ever call us again. 308 00:11:23,118 --> 00:11:24,464 "Mark and Fran." 309 00:11:24,602 --> 00:11:25,983 Mine's better. Yes. 310 00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:35,716 Yeah, and then last year I got my heart broken twice by three guys. 311 00:11:36,579 --> 00:11:38,064 For a total of six? 312 00:11:38,202 --> 00:11:39,134 Huh? 313 00:11:39,272 --> 00:11:40,998 Twice by three guys. 314 00:11:41,136 --> 00:11:43,310 No, a total of twice. 315 00:11:43,448 --> 00:11:45,692 All right, so once was by two guys? 316 00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:48,281 No, twice by three guys. 317 00:11:48,419 --> 00:11:50,007 Right, but of that twice by three guys, 318 00:11:50,145 --> 00:11:52,216 once by one guy and once by two guys? 319 00:11:52,354 --> 00:11:54,045 No, the second time was one guy. 320 00:11:57,980 --> 00:11:59,326 Okay, so one... 321 00:11:59,464 --> 00:12:00,431 One time was by one guy, 322 00:12:00,569 --> 00:12:01,811 and the second time was by one guy? 323 00:12:01,949 --> 00:12:02,916 Uh-huh. 324 00:12:03,054 --> 00:12:04,780 So that's a total of two guys. 325 00:12:04,918 --> 00:12:05,919 Uh-huh. 326 00:12:06,885 --> 00:12:08,404 So then who was the third guy? 327 00:12:08,542 --> 00:12:09,957 Yeah, my friend Walter. 328 00:12:12,443 --> 00:12:13,892 He didn't break your heart? 329 00:12:14,031 --> 00:12:15,446 No, but he was around. 330 00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:17,275 I see. Okay. 331 00:12:17,413 --> 00:12:18,414 Hi, guys. 332 00:12:18,552 --> 00:12:20,692 Hi! Hiya, Joanie. 333 00:12:20,830 --> 00:12:22,453 Hello. Hello! 334 00:12:22,591 --> 00:12:24,489 Would, um, would you like to start with a drink? 335 00:12:24,627 --> 00:12:25,697 Uh, Chianti, please. 336 00:12:25,835 --> 00:12:26,940 I'll have the same. Sparkling water. 337 00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:29,046 Uh, a beer. Whatever you got. 338 00:12:29,184 --> 00:12:30,564 Okay, why don't I give you a little time. 339 00:12:33,947 --> 00:12:35,017 Thanks for coming. 340 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,639 Oh, it's our pleasure. What's up? 341 00:12:36,777 --> 00:12:37,813 Well, here's the thing. 342 00:12:37,951 --> 00:12:40,609 Um, first, we want you to know how much 343 00:12:40,747 --> 00:12:41,748 we both love you. 344 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,715 JAMIE: We really do love you so much. 345 00:12:43,853 --> 00:12:45,476 And, you know, really, I mean, 346 00:12:45,614 --> 00:12:47,305 I... I would have to say at this point you are our best friends. 347 00:12:47,443 --> 00:12:48,686 It's true. BOTH: Oh... 348 00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:51,378 Um... Okay, well... 349 00:12:51,516 --> 00:12:53,000 You know we're gonna have a baby soon. 350 00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:55,555 Oh, this is why you've been coming to the office so much. 351 00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:56,625 Yes. Yes, exactly. 352 00:12:56,763 --> 00:12:57,867 Ah-ha! 353 00:12:58,005 --> 00:13:00,836 Well, would you be 354 00:13:00,974 --> 00:13:02,838 the guardians of that child? 355 00:13:03,735 --> 00:13:04,702 We have to go. 356 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:05,841 PAUL: What? 357 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,257 Just don't ask, Paul, please. 358 00:13:08,395 --> 00:13:10,087 It's a little bit of a sore subject. 359 00:13:10,225 --> 00:13:12,227 It's not gonna be any less sore later. 360 00:13:12,365 --> 00:13:14,194 Could we not do this in a bar and grill? 361 00:13:14,332 --> 00:13:16,369 What... We didn't mean to say anything. I don't know what... 362 00:13:16,507 --> 00:13:17,887 Okay... Here we go. 363 00:13:18,025 --> 00:13:19,303 Diet Pepsi... 364 00:13:19,441 --> 00:13:21,167 And chocolate shake, 365 00:13:21,305 --> 00:13:22,271 mochaccino. 366 00:13:22,409 --> 00:13:23,962 Two eggs over easy. Uh, Miss... 367 00:13:24,101 --> 00:13:25,585 Simmer down. The bacon's right here. 368 00:13:27,794 --> 00:13:29,416 Your sister doesn't wanna have any more children. 369 00:13:29,554 --> 00:13:31,246 I don't wanna be a parent again. 370 00:13:31,384 --> 00:13:33,834 JOAN: Why not? Look, you don't understand, okay? 371 00:13:33,972 --> 00:13:35,802 You're through with the baby the day it's born. 372 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,907 Believe me, there's a lot more work after that. 373 00:13:38,045 --> 00:13:39,495 Everybody, let's calm down. 374 00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:41,118 Listen. Listen. We're not asking you to be the parents. 375 00:13:41,256 --> 00:13:42,602 Yes, you are. Yes, we are. 376 00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:44,190 Well, yes, okay, but... 377 00:13:44,328 --> 00:13:45,570 Realistically, what are the chances? 378 00:13:45,708 --> 00:13:47,054 Will you excuse me please? 379 00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:49,471 I'm sorry, Jamie, and I'm sorry, Paul, 380 00:13:49,609 --> 00:13:51,335 but this is just the way it's gonna have to be. 381 00:13:51,473 --> 00:13:52,612 You know what? It's the lunch rush. 382 00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,165 I'm doing the best I can. 383 00:14:01,593 --> 00:14:03,664 Uncle Phil? No. 384 00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:08,152 Aunt Blossom? No. 385 00:14:09,947 --> 00:14:10,948 Nat? 386 00:14:12,328 --> 00:14:14,848 You know, the sad thing is I'm only half kidding. 387 00:14:14,986 --> 00:14:17,230 At least with Nat, you'd know the child would be walked. 388 00:14:18,231 --> 00:14:20,095 It certainly would. 389 00:14:20,233 --> 00:14:21,613 Do you know what I'm realizing? 390 00:14:21,751 --> 00:14:22,960 We don't have so many friends. 391 00:14:23,098 --> 00:14:24,237 I know. 392 00:14:24,375 --> 00:14:26,342 Why is that? We used to have friends, didn't we? 393 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,345 We did. So where'd they go? 394 00:14:29,483 --> 00:14:31,554 Like Selby. What the hell happened to him? 395 00:14:33,453 --> 00:14:34,626 Please don't call him. 396 00:14:34,764 --> 00:14:37,215 All right. All right. 397 00:14:37,353 --> 00:14:39,079 I think we both know who it has to be. 398 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,014 PAUL: Hey, Mom, Pop... 399 00:14:43,463 --> 00:14:44,602 Um... 400 00:14:44,740 --> 00:14:47,950 You know the esteem in which we hold you. 401 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,849 And... And at the end of the day, 402 00:14:50,988 --> 00:14:55,820 you two are as fine a couple of people as we still talk to. 403 00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:57,546 What is this? 404 00:14:57,684 --> 00:14:59,444 What do you want? 405 00:14:59,582 --> 00:15:01,584 Where is that dippy girl with my soup? 406 00:15:01,722 --> 00:15:03,345 Okay, okay. Um... 407 00:15:03,483 --> 00:15:04,932 What we want is 408 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:09,282 for you to be the guardians of our child. 409 00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:11,353 In case something should ever happen to us, at least... 410 00:15:11,491 --> 00:15:13,424 [SPITTING] Don't even mention such a thing. 411 00:15:13,562 --> 00:15:15,633 No, I know it's not the most pleasant of prospects... 412 00:15:15,771 --> 00:15:16,806 What's the matter with you, 413 00:15:16,944 --> 00:15:18,394 tempting the fates with talk like that? 414 00:15:18,532 --> 00:15:21,156 Tempting the fates? We ju... Stop it! Stop the talking! 415 00:15:21,294 --> 00:15:22,640 No, we're just trying to protect ourselv... 416 00:15:22,778 --> 00:15:24,780 [BOTH SHOUTING GIBBERISH] 417 00:15:24,918 --> 00:15:26,333 What are you... You're gonna hurt yourselves, there. 418 00:15:26,471 --> 00:15:28,542 We just don't want our child to be all alone in the world. 419 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,475 My God, cut it out! What's wrong with you? 420 00:15:30,613 --> 00:15:32,546 No... I will not have this conversation! 421 00:15:32,684 --> 00:15:34,410 If we die, we need... [SPITTING] 422 00:15:34,548 --> 00:15:36,688 In case, God forbid, someth... Don't you dare. [SPITTING] 423 00:15:36,826 --> 00:15:37,793 Say another word about it. 424 00:15:37,931 --> 00:15:38,932 [SPITTING] 425 00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,142 [CONTINUES SPITTING] 426 00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,455 She's so funny. 427 00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:50,840 Well, this is the lesson. 428 00:15:50,978 --> 00:15:53,498 A surprising number of people, when the chips are down, 429 00:15:53,636 --> 00:15:55,466 cannot be relied upon. 430 00:15:55,604 --> 00:15:58,469 When the chips are up, fine. But otherwise... 431 00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:02,059 Which is why you and I, we have to cling to each other like monkeys. 432 00:16:02,197 --> 00:16:03,405 What do we do now? 433 00:16:03,543 --> 00:16:05,476 I don't know. We... We approach total strangers. 434 00:16:05,614 --> 00:16:07,478 All right, how about this guy? Paul. 435 00:16:07,616 --> 00:16:09,204 Excuse me, sir. Sir... 436 00:16:09,342 --> 00:16:10,688 How would you like to be the guardian of our forthcoming child? 437 00:16:10,826 --> 00:16:12,931 I don't know Philadelphia. I don't know. 438 00:16:13,725 --> 00:16:14,657 Proud of yourself now? 439 00:16:14,795 --> 00:16:16,142 I took a shot. 440 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,350 [CAR HORNS BLARING] 441 00:16:17,488 --> 00:16:18,454 What is this? 442 00:16:18,592 --> 00:16:19,973 [HONKING] 443 00:16:20,111 --> 00:16:21,837 Right in front of our building. 444 00:16:21,975 --> 00:16:24,081 I hope nothing gruesome happened. 445 00:16:24,219 --> 00:16:26,152 I think Mrs. Kendle went out naked again. 446 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,188 JAMIE: Excuse us. 447 00:16:28,809 --> 00:16:29,810 PAUL: Excuse me. 448 00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:32,537 JAMIE: Oh, my God. 449 00:16:32,675 --> 00:16:34,194 Jamie! Over here! 450 00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:38,198 ♪ You must remember this 451 00:16:39,441 --> 00:16:42,961 ♪ A kiss is just a kiss 452 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,620 ♪ A sigh is just a sigh 453 00:16:46,758 --> 00:16:47,828 Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi. 454 00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,347 He's got a lot of clothes, this kid. 455 00:16:49,485 --> 00:16:53,696 ♪ The fundamental things apply 456 00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:57,252 ♪ As time goes by 457 00:16:57,390 --> 00:16:58,977 Bobby. I understand. Heh. 458 00:16:59,116 --> 00:17:02,188 ♪ And when two lovers woo 459 00:17:02,326 --> 00:17:05,777 ♪ They still say, I love you 460 00:17:05,915 --> 00:17:09,195 ♪ On that you can rely 461 00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:11,266 Is this her? Yes. 462 00:17:11,404 --> 00:17:13,716 She's maybe a little bit old for him. 463 00:17:13,854 --> 00:17:16,167 Yeah, and a sit-up wouldn't kill her. 464 00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:18,928 Oh, but she's so beautiful. 465 00:17:19,066 --> 00:17:20,827 This is a nice story. 466 00:17:20,965 --> 00:17:25,245 ♪ No matter what the future brings 467 00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:29,698 ♪ As time goes by ♪ 468 00:17:29,836 --> 00:17:31,044 Will you excuse me for one minute? 469 00:17:31,182 --> 00:17:32,149 Oh, sure. 470 00:17:33,322 --> 00:17:35,117 I'm very happy for you. 471 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:37,533 Thank you. Here's my advice, 472 00:17:37,671 --> 00:17:39,708 always get up from the dinner table 473 00:17:39,846 --> 00:17:42,159 still wanting a little something. 474 00:17:43,056 --> 00:17:44,264 Thank you... So much. 475 00:17:48,095 --> 00:17:50,684 All right, Bobby. Knock it off. 476 00:17:50,822 --> 00:17:54,481 ♪ It's still the same old story 477 00:17:54,619 --> 00:17:57,381 ♪ A fight for love and glory ♪ 478 00:17:57,519 --> 00:17:58,485 I said knock it off. 479 00:17:59,417 --> 00:18:00,556 [BAND STOPS] 480 00:18:00,694 --> 00:18:01,661 Bobby... 481 00:18:01,799 --> 00:18:02,696 Listen to me... Hi, Jamie. 482 00:18:02,834 --> 00:18:03,870 Hi. 483 00:18:04,008 --> 00:18:05,009 Hey, where's your ring? 484 00:18:06,528 --> 00:18:07,701 No, no, no. You see, 485 00:18:07,839 --> 00:18:09,116 I had to take it off because my fingers... 486 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,532 Two, three, four. Were swelling. 487 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:13,051 ♪ A case of do or die ♪ 488 00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:14,191 Bobby. 489 00:18:15,226 --> 00:18:16,193 [BAND STOPS] 490 00:18:17,332 --> 00:18:18,436 Jamie. 491 00:18:18,574 --> 00:18:19,920 Bobby, you have to stop. 492 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:21,198 I do? 493 00:18:21,336 --> 00:18:22,992 Yes. You do. 494 00:18:23,130 --> 00:18:25,132 You're a very, very sweet... 495 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,825 You're a very sweet person, but... 496 00:18:27,963 --> 00:18:29,999 For one thing, I'm much too old for you. 497 00:18:30,137 --> 00:18:32,105 Oh, Jamie, I don't care about that. 498 00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:33,451 Do you understand? Lyndon Johnson 499 00:18:33,589 --> 00:18:34,970 was president when I was born. 500 00:18:35,108 --> 00:18:36,351 [LAUGHS] So? 501 00:18:36,489 --> 00:18:38,629 There were 43 states in the union. 502 00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:40,147 So? 503 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,565 The word for fire was "Ga." 504 00:18:43,703 --> 00:18:46,153 Jamie, I get it, but I don't care. 505 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,535 That's very sweet, Bobby, and very flattering, 506 00:18:48,673 --> 00:18:50,261 but, as you know, I'm married. 507 00:18:50,399 --> 00:18:51,366 ALL: Oh! 508 00:18:54,369 --> 00:18:56,405 Hiya. Uh, let me say hello. 509 00:18:56,543 --> 00:18:58,096 I'm Paul, the husband. 510 00:18:58,235 --> 00:18:59,339 ALL: Oh! 511 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,341 Hi, Paul. 512 00:19:01,479 --> 00:19:02,515 I'm Bobby. Bobby. 513 00:19:02,653 --> 00:19:03,964 And I'm in love with your wife. 514 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,518 ALL: Oh! 515 00:19:06,588 --> 00:19:08,693 Okay, Bobby, as you also know, 516 00:19:08,831 --> 00:19:11,386 I'm pregnant, and I'm gonna have a baby in about 10 minutes. 517 00:19:11,524 --> 00:19:13,180 ALL: Oh! 518 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,390 Well, this sure turned ugly. 519 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,668 And, by the way, the baby, 520 00:19:17,806 --> 00:19:19,325 also in large part due to me... 521 00:19:19,463 --> 00:19:21,361 Paul, the husband. Bobby... 522 00:19:21,499 --> 00:19:23,121 Jamie, I don't care about any of that. 523 00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,330 You're awesome. 524 00:19:24,468 --> 00:19:25,745 And that's all that matters. 525 00:19:25,883 --> 00:19:27,160 I'm disgusted. 526 00:19:27,298 --> 00:19:28,437 Slut! 527 00:19:28,575 --> 00:19:30,163 Sicko! 528 00:19:30,301 --> 00:19:31,509 What are you hitting me for? 529 00:19:31,647 --> 00:19:34,029 How can you let a situation like this fester? 530 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,134 I'm not really comfortable here anymore. 531 00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:41,070 [INDISTINCT CHATTERING] 532 00:19:46,317 --> 00:19:47,456 Bobby... 533 00:19:47,594 --> 00:19:48,664 The thing is... 534 00:19:49,596 --> 00:19:50,839 I'm taken. 535 00:19:52,599 --> 00:19:53,669 Okay. 536 00:19:55,050 --> 00:19:56,085 I'm sorry. 537 00:19:56,914 --> 00:19:58,018 You know... [SIGHS] 538 00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,641 You know, the thing is if... 539 00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:02,816 If we weren't just so happily married... Believe me. 540 00:20:02,954 --> 00:20:04,370 It's okay. I understand. 541 00:20:05,888 --> 00:20:07,027 Pack it up, fellas. 542 00:20:07,165 --> 00:20:08,443 ALL: Aw! 543 00:20:12,136 --> 00:20:14,414 God, this was so expensive. 544 00:20:14,552 --> 00:20:15,795 What did you do? 'Cause I'm fascinated. 545 00:20:15,933 --> 00:20:17,417 Did you hire the whole band here? 546 00:20:17,555 --> 00:20:19,626 Bobby, are you gonna be okay? 547 00:20:19,764 --> 00:20:21,628 Yeah, you know, I'll borrow from my Dad. 548 00:20:21,766 --> 00:20:25,494 No, no, no. I mean, are you gonna be okay... Here? 549 00:20:26,737 --> 00:20:28,842 What's the difference? 550 00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:30,465 I mean, the problems of three little people 551 00:20:30,603 --> 00:20:33,019 don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. 552 00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:36,816 Here's looking... Bobby. 553 00:20:37,713 --> 00:20:38,783 I'm going, I'm going. 554 00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:40,889 [AS TIME GOES BYPLAYS] 555 00:20:45,997 --> 00:20:47,516 Why don't you ever say stuff like that? 556 00:20:47,654 --> 00:20:50,277 I do. I don't hire a band, but I say it. 557 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,349 DEBBIE AND JOAN: Hi! 558 00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:54,281 Oh, we were coming to see you. 559 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,628 What's up? 560 00:20:55,766 --> 00:20:57,802 Well, we did some talking. A little talking. 561 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:01,047 And we decided we're really sorry about what happened before. 562 00:21:01,185 --> 00:21:02,497 Very sorry. 563 00:21:02,635 --> 00:21:04,119 We were going through some stuff... Little stuff. 564 00:21:04,257 --> 00:21:06,915 And we changed our minds. Big change. 565 00:21:07,053 --> 00:21:09,469 So we would like to be your baby's guardians... 566 00:21:09,607 --> 00:21:10,953 Very much. If that's okay with you. 567 00:21:11,091 --> 00:21:12,196 Oh, what, are you kidding? 568 00:21:12,334 --> 00:21:14,129 It's extremely okay with us. 569 00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:15,993 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 570 00:21:16,131 --> 00:21:17,960 Oh, I'm so relieved. Joan, thank you, 571 00:21:18,098 --> 00:21:19,652 thank you, thank you. 572 00:21:19,790 --> 00:21:21,170 FRAN: Hi, you guys! 573 00:21:21,308 --> 00:21:22,240 Hi. Hi. 574 00:21:22,379 --> 00:21:24,760 Listen, Mark and I want to apologize. 575 00:21:24,898 --> 00:21:27,142 MARK: We do! We really, really, really do! 576 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:28,177 You know Joan, don't you? 577 00:21:28,315 --> 00:21:29,351 Yeah, one minute, one minute. 578 00:21:29,489 --> 00:21:31,077 Just, just, just let me get this out. 579 00:21:31,215 --> 00:21:32,527 Mark and I feel terrible. 580 00:21:32,665 --> 00:21:33,976 And of course you know Paul's sister Debbie. Yeah. 581 00:21:34,114 --> 00:21:35,633 We didn't know what we were saying. 582 00:21:35,771 --> 00:21:38,084 We were myopic is what we were. 583 00:21:38,222 --> 00:21:40,397 MARK: Totally myopic and crazy. 584 00:21:40,535 --> 00:21:42,433 We are really, really sorry. 585 00:21:42,571 --> 00:21:45,022 We would love to be your child's guardian. 586 00:21:47,852 --> 00:21:49,992 Boy, uh, what would be the right thing to say now? 587 00:21:50,130 --> 00:21:52,788 I just couldn't possibly be more uncomfortable. 588 00:21:52,926 --> 00:21:54,341 Hi! Hi! 589 00:22:03,005 --> 00:22:04,110 If that plane leaves the ground 590 00:22:04,248 --> 00:22:06,215 and you're not with him, you'll regret it. 591 00:22:06,353 --> 00:22:07,700 Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, 592 00:22:07,838 --> 00:22:10,461 but soon, and for the rest of your life. 593 00:22:11,324 --> 00:22:12,325 Okay, what plane? 594 00:22:12,463 --> 00:22:14,879 Ursula, I've got a job to do, 595 00:22:15,017 --> 00:22:17,019 and where I'm going, you can't follow. 596 00:22:17,157 --> 00:22:20,713 What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. 597 00:22:20,851 --> 00:22:23,060 Well, that's okay. I have to work late anyway. 598 00:22:23,198 --> 00:22:26,063 Well, here's looking at you, kid. 599 00:22:26,822 --> 00:22:27,789 Who's Yukid? 41695

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