Original subtitles

Hey, hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna return the video you rented two weeks ago.

I'm going to watch that.

You're so not gonna watch this.

As soon as I have time.

You will never have time.

I will.

Meryl Streep comes back and tells Dustin Hoffman

he can keep the kid.

Here you go.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier ♪

All right... Let's review.

Effacement is... Bending of the cervix.

Good. And lightening is...

When the fetus descends into the pelvic cavity.

Very good.

And the fundus is...

And the fundus is...

Um...

That's the... The funnest fun anybody could have.

I don't know.

What a surprise.

We know. We know, too!

We know what it is.

It's... It's the part of the uterus

that's the farthest away from the cervix.

Very good. Very good.

What? That counts. We're together.

All right, is there anybody here

who still hasn't done their dry run, yet?

The dry run, the packing the bag,

the picking the route,

it might all seem mundane.

But I can assure you, it is crucial

to a smooth, successful delivery.

I thought I had made that clear.

Oh, you have.

I remember. Many times.

Hey.

All right, then. I guess that's it.

Thank you, everybody. Class dismissed.

Thanks. See you next time. See you next week.

Except for you two.

Hi.

You know, you guys wouldn't even be in this class

if it weren't for Joan. I know. She's a wonderful doctor.

We love Joan. Joan... Have you been doing your dromedary droop?

The droop. Um... She was gonna...

We sort of... I wouldn't say I've been...

Have you even done your tailor stretches?

The stretches with the... You tried.

We found they kind of... Yeah.

Snapped right back at us.

Have you even watched the birthing video?

Did we watch the birthing video? Uh, I took it out,

and I think the phone rang

I didn't actually... No.

And obviously you haven't done the dry run.

Meaning to. Okay, that we can explain.

Oh, look, I have a waiting list

of over 100 couples.

I have couples on this list

who have already had their babies

and still wanna take the class.

We know. Now...

Most people

want to succeed at birth.

We do. We really do.

We wanna be a big hit at birth.

All right. Because of my relationship with Joan

and because of my respect for her,

and only because of that, I'll give you one more chance.

Okay. Tomorrow night.

But you must watch the birthing video.

We will. We will. We will.

And do the dry run.

Yes. We'll do it. We'll do that. Okay.

All right, I'll meet you at the hospital tomorrow at 7:30.

You will pre-register,

then I will take you on the tour.

Now, if you're not there by 7:30,

don't bother coming back to class. Okay.

We will see you tomorrow night, 7:30-ish.

No "Ish."

Paulie, are these all the release forms?

Yeah. Should be.

Then where's your mother's, and where's your father's?

Huh? They're not in there?

No.

All right. Just give me a second.

[VIDEO WHIRS] I'm almost done with this scene.

The first night Jamie met our parents,

needless to say, was a little intimidating.

She ate like a horse.

I remember after dinner

we were gonna have some ice cream,

and Jamie offered to go in the kitchen and get it.

She was always very polite and helpful.

At this time, Ma had this spoon,

this cockamamie spoon...

It was a JFK commemorative spoon.

It was a collector's item. Silver.

It was a piece of crap.

After Paul and Jamie left that night,

Ma noticed that the spoon was gone.

She seemed nice enough, but, you know, I didn't know her.

Well, Ma immediately assumed

that Jamie had stolen the spoon.

Ma never confronted Jamie.

She never mentioned it to her.

Mentioned it to everybody else over and over again,

but never to Jamie.

SYLVIA: Anyway, it's water under the bridge.

Ma has never forgiven her,

and to this day, of course,

no one has ever proven that Jamie actually stole the spoon.

However, between you and me,

I'm positive that she did.

This is great. This is like...

It's like the story of the Buchman women.

You know, each with their own version of the truth,

and who knows what the truth is?

I think it's like one of the best sequences in the whole film.

Paulie, release forms, okay? Release forms!

Okay, now, did you look everywhere? Yes.

I can't believe... I thought you said you had them all.

I thought I did, too.

Frankly, I'm a little taken aback.

Without the release forms, we cannot release the film.

We got to have everybody's permission. Legally.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's just relax.

It is your mother and your father we're talking about, right?

Let's not anticipate a problem.

Hello. It's only me. IRA: Hey, Deb.

PAUL: Hi, you. Don't get up.

Hey, Deb, do you have any idea if Mom and Dad ever got those...

The release forms? Yes.

And? Mom's not signing hers.

Why not?

Something about the spoon story.

The spoon story?

She's got a problem with the spoon story?

That's one of the best things we have.

I was just working on that. I don't know.

All I can tell you is Mom's not happy.

Oh, this is not good.

Paulie, we've got to get her to sign those forms.

The spoon story is brilliant.

Except that Ma says Jamie stole the spoon,

and Jamie always said she didn't,

so it's Ma's word against Jamie's.

Well, Jamie didn't steal the spoon.

Everybody knows that.

[LAUGHS] Of course, she did. Everybody knows that.

She did not.

Oh, Paulie, come on. Hey, I don't even care.

All I wanna do is get the release forms signed.

You know, and frankly, you know, I do admire you for sticking up for her.

I'm not! I'm not sticking up for anything.

She didn't steal a thing. [SCOFFS] Oh, Paulie, come on.

It was a classic.

James comes to the house the first time, and, boom, rip-off.

She didn't rip-off a spoon.

What is she, a nut?

It was thrown away or lost or something.

All right. Good. Look, the point is,

we've got to get your mother's signature.

All right, well...

I have an idea. What?

You know how to forge Mom's signature.

Go ahead. No!

JAMIE: What is the matter with her?

I told her 4,000 times.

I bent the spoon in the ice cream, and I threw it out.

I know, I know. I understand.

All right, here we go.

Walkman. Yes.

Tapes, depending on what type of birth.

We've got Vivaldi, Sinatra, Lyle Lovett,

REM, and Garbage.

That's a band.

Thank you.

Okay...

Got the stopwatch. Stopwatch.

Picture of your cousin Ernie as a child.

Cousin Ernie.

And now, why your cousin Ernie as a child?

'Cause he's so cute.

Okay.

Let's throw this in there.

What is this?

It's a book.

What are you doing? What?

What are you bringing this for?

To read.

You're not gonna be sitting in a chaise lounge getting a tan.

This isn't a vacation. We're having a baby.

I thought I would have some down time.

At the birth of your child?

I don't know. No?

No. Okay. All right.

We're supposed to meet Amy at the hospital in an hour.

We're already in trouble, and we haven't watched the video.

We'll be fine. Don't worry about the video.

We're not in trouble. Come on.

We're packing a bag that we're not even gonna use for six weeks.

Here we go. Disposable camera.

This is the kind that takes those panoramic pictures.

So I'll stand far away.

How could she think I would steal a cheap little spoon?

I don't know. If my mother doesn't sign those release forms, I'm dead.

I'm just dead in the water.

Who is that for?

Do you understand what actually is going to happen here?

For the baby! Yes, exactly!

Put the thing on the baby.

Right. Sure. Okay. All right.

It's just so stupid with my mother

because she's... I mean, like...

Like you're really gonna steal a spoon from her house

'cause you love spoons that much, and you need a spoon.

And if you did steal a spoon,

then you're gonna keep that a secret from me for five years?

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

It's so absurd. You know?

Sweetie?

Honey? Sweetie.

Oh, no!

I stole the spoon. No!

I can't lie.

You can't lie?

I can lie to other people. I can't lie to you.

After five years.

Wow!

I'm sorry!

Your first time in my parents' house,

and this is what you do? You steal?

It was a long time ago!

Who knew we'd still be together?

I can't believe

Sylvia has been walking around all this time

thinking I did it.

Honey, you did do it!

You have to promise me, swear to me,

you will never tell your mother.

Well, you would like that, wouldn't you?

No, no, no. You have to swear. I would die of embarrassment.

Well, look who's holding all the cards now?

I'm carrying your child.

Okay. All right.

Roosevelt Hospital, please?

Roosevelt Island?

No. Hospital.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Roosevelt Island Hospital.

No. Roosevelt Hospital.

Here we go.

Yes. Here we go.

Roosevelt Hospital. No island.

Island? Long Island?

I must call it in. I don't know where...

No. I'm saying no island.

Forget I said that. It's Roosevelt...

Roosevelt Hospital.

It's not... Not Roosevelt island. Uh-huh.

You see? Not Roosevelt Island Hospital, either.

Okay. Just regular plain Roosevelt Hospital.

Okay. Okay.

Why is he going this way?

What way? This way.

Can't you get to Roosevelt Hospital this way?

No. Um...

No. Wait.

Um, excuse me.

Yes?

See, um... My wife is pregnant.

Having baby? [TIRES SCREECH]

PAUL: No, no, no, no, no. She's not.

This... This is just a... A dry run.

Oh, good luck.

What dry run?

Uh, it's a dry run? A dry run?

Where is? Where is dry run?

I don't know dry run.

Where is... No, uh...

No. A dry, uh...

This is the dry run. This is the dry run.

Right here? [TIRES SCREECH]

Okay. I'm getting out.

Okay. Now, hang on. Hang on.

Sweetie, please. We have to...

Um, please start... Start driving again.

[SHUDDERS]

PAUL: Um, there is no place dry run. This is a dry...

See? Okay.

A dry run, that's...

That's for people like us, who... They are having a baby,

but not... Not today.

Not quite yet. Why?

Why? Why because we... Pretend. We're practicing.

We pretend like we're going to the hospital

so we know what it will be like when it happens.

Why pretend to having baby

if you're really having baby?

That's a good question. That's a good question.

That makes a good point. That makes no sense, doesn't it?

Maybe 'cause we're gonna get kicked out of class if we don't.

Do you like that reason?

That's a good reason.

Okay. Guess what? What?

We're heading to Roosevelt Island!

Good morning, Amy.

Hi. Hey, Amy.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, Amy.

I don't think so.

Yeah, Joan.

Yeah. See, what happened was...

Just ask her to talk to Amy.

If you could talk to Amy for us...

Just tell her we're very sorry.

Um, maybe just tell her that we're sorry.

Tell her we're very sorry.

Sorry we put her in such an awkward position.

Um... We're sorry that we put her in such an awkward position.

Tell her it was my fault. If it helps, you know,

you could tell her that it was Paul's fault.

No, don't actually say it! Uh, no, no, no. Not exactly.

Um, listen...

If you could ask her... Tell her...

'Cause Amy, she's a fanatic.

We found that Amy was...

She's a fanatic. She's a fanatic. She's a...

Do you wanna do this?

Joan, hi.

How's Tricks?

Okay. Here's Jamie.

Hi. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Okay. Bye-bye.

'Cause you get on the phone with her, you know how you are.

Uh-huh.

She's gonna call Amy and try to get us back in the class.

Oh, goody. [DOOR OPENS]

How's it going? Is the tea almost ready?

Uh, give me a second here.

Hey, James, don't forget to put out the spoons.

You know? I mean, to stir with.

Don't worry. I won't.

I mean, I'll get the spoons for you. I'd be happy to.

I think I can handle it. Why don't you just take this and go inside, huh?

All right.

Okay. He's on to you.

He's not on to anything.

He's not gonna be on to anything,

'cause you're not gonna tell him. You swore.

I don't know that I swore, per se.

All right. Sorry. Is everything all right?

Basically. Basically? What does that mean?

Everything's fine.

Well, what kind of tea is this?

Herbal.

Herbal? Don't you have any Lipton?

The kids don't drink the Lipton.

The bag doesn't even have a string on it.

So don't drink it.

All right, everybody, look, as producer of this film,

it is my responsibility to secure the release forms.

All right? Now, Aunt Sylvia,

what can I do to make it more comfortable for you to sign yours?

It's a very simple problem.

Either you cut the sequence... I'm not gonna do that.

Or, forgive me, you get Jamie to admit the truth

that she stole the spoon.

That's a fine idea, Sylvia, except for one thing.

I didn't steal the spoon.

Right. Yeah.

But you're saying if she did admit it,

then you would sign the release.

Sweetie? I'm just trying to understand.

Honey,

there's nothing to understand.

It's not an option because the point is I didn't steal it.

Uh-huh... No. Okay. There you are.

Uh-uh. Listen, I saw you admire the spoon furtively.

And then, poof, it was gone.

Now, I don't blame you because it is a gorgeous utensil.

Yes. Yes, it was, but I didn't steal it.

Well, it didn't walk away by itself.

How do you know that?

James, come on. If you didn't steal it, who did?

Maybe you did.

I did not. I told you, let it sit.

I always say, let the ice cream sit.

It softens up.

He has always said that.

I tried to scoop a little bit out with the spoon,

it bent, and I threw it away. My God!

You believe her, Paulie?

Hmm? Yes, of course he does! Honey?

Hmm.

Why are you protecting her, Paulie? Hmm?

He's not. Sweetie?

Hmm. Sweetie. Honey...

What?

Do you want these release forms signed, or don't you?

You know, I never liked that spoon anyway.

It was like some sort of baby spoon.

All right. You know, Ma, Jamie would not steal because...

Stealing is bad.

Look, I will not sign the release form

unless Jamie admits she stole the spoon... I didn't.

Or you cut the sequence.

[STAMMERING] That's extortion!

That's your word, not mine.

You know, that reminds me.

That footage I saw where I'm talking.

Yeah. It's very good.

I look like hell!

You know, Paulie, I'm not a vain man,

but, I don't wanna look like a... Like a wolfman!

You don't... He looked awful.

This is a way to light your father?

I want you to do it again.

You want me to reshoot? Yeah, yeah! Reshoot.

I'm not gonna reshoot!

Then I am not gonna sign the release form, either!

What are you talking about?

I didn't even know I had the option not to sign.

Now that I know, I'm not signing it, either.

Look, Paulie, I don't want America to think

that your father's some kind of a freak!

Dad, no. Nobody's gonna think that!

I'll think that!

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go get some real tea bags!

Your father is very upset.

I...

What the...

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Just thinking about that spoon, that's all.

All right, Ira... James, please,

would you just tell me the truth?

I mean, I don't care if you stole the spoon. I really don't.

I just care about the movie.

You wanna hear the truth? Yes.

I did not steal the spoon.

Liar. Bite me.

Hey, hey! All right.

I'm warning both of you, I will turn this car around.

Hey, come on! James...

She's the only one who had the motive, the means,

and the opportunity!

Listen to you. You're nuts!

I may be nuts, but I'll tell you this.

In order to sign those release forms,

I have got to get to the bottom of this.

And if I have to take James down in the process,

well, that's what I'm gonna have to do.

All right?

[DOOR SLAMS]

It's a spoon!

Oh, honey, how sweet is this? [TV PLAYING]

Look how tightly she's holding his hand.

See? She's doing the breathing.

What is this cheesy music?

It's like porno movies.

I like it. It's happy.

His father's pants with the flares.

It's, like, 1971, this movie.

So what? They're about to have a baby.

Look, look. She's pushing.

I shouldn't watch this.

Of course you should. Honey, this is us.

This is the...

My goodness. They just show you everything, don't they?

What is that?

Honey, that's the crowning.

This is when the baby's head finally... Whoa.

Oh! Holy mother of God!

We're making great time.

We sure are.

Yeah. What's Amy gonna say now?

She'll say something, I'm sure.

Believe me, this dry run, it's a piece of cake.

We're gonna be just fine.

[WHISTLE BLOWING] MAN: Stop! Police!

[TIRES SCREECH] Out of the cab! Out of the cab!

What? I need this vehicle! Let's go!

I'm engaged in a high-speed pursuit!

Let's go! Let's go, man!

You! You! Out of the car, now!

Could you drop us at Roosevelt Hospital?

Get out!

I gotta tell you, the chance of this happening... Move it! Move it!

In an actual labor, very slim.

[TIRES SCREECH] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Honey, are you all right?

No! My toe! Ow!

Stay right there, sweetie. I'm gonna get a cab.

Stay there.

[RINGS BELL]

Oh!

Oh, honey!

[HORN HONKS]

Look at me. I'm Wile E. Coyote.

Sweetie, are you okay?

I've been better.

Come on, honey. We have to get you to the hospital.

I'm gonna get a cab.

No. Maybe I could get hit by a boat.

Right here! Taxi!

Sweetie, get in. Okay. All right. Okay.

Roosevelt Hospital, please?

Roosevelt Island?

All right, Mr. Buchman, I'm gonna have to wrap your foot.

It might hurt a little bit. Okay? Okay.

That's to be expected... Ow! Okay.

Don't you think I should be knocked out for this?

It's just a small bruise, Mr. Buchman.

I know, but still...

Now, does this hurt?

Yes! Yes! Yes! I need something.

Honey, I'm right here.

It hurts! I know it does.

Ow! Ow! Ow! I know, sweetie.

Almost done, Mr. Buchman. Honey, breathe, breathe...

That's it. You're doing good. You're doing good.

You're doing good.

There you go, Mr. Buchman. All done.

Okay. I just made a very big decision. Uh-huh.

Next time I go through this, I'm getting the epidural.

Here I was, a guest in your house,

meeting you all for the first time,

and I commit this unconscionable act.

You must have felt

very violated.

And I know that...

That we've had a rocky relationship at times,

but that's no excuse for what I did.

I apologize profusely, and I hope that someday

I'll be able to win back your trust.

What? It's a spoon.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

That's what I said the whole time.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

You got what? It was Uncle Burt.

Me? Ira, she...

Paulie, think about it.

Aunt Sylvia was infatuated with JFK.

Now, Uncle Burt, you knew you would never be the man

that JFK was in her eyes.

Ira... What? And that consumed you.

The rage, the jealousy. It ate away at your insides. You had to lash out.

Ira... And so you copped the spoon.

The spoon that she loved, the spoon that she cherished.

Ira! You stole the spoon, didn't you, Uncle Burt?

Huh? Didn't you?

Ira! She already confessed.

Oh, really?

Oh. Well, that was my first guess.

Anyway, as I was saying...

I think this belongs to you.

Here you go, Sylvia.

This isn't my spoon.

Pardon me? What?

It's an Elvis Presley spoon.

Wait a minute. This is my spoon!

I thought I lost this.

What the hell are you doing with my spoon?

No. No!

Where are you going? I live on Roosevelt Island!

Yes! Roosevelt Hospital. Don't worry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]