Original subtitles

PAUL: Good morning. Hi. Wondering if you can help me.

My name is Paul Buchman, and I often buy your product.

In fact, I'm eating it right now, and I gotta tell ya,

I'm looking at the box, and there's like no raisins in it,

I mean, like nary a one,

which I know sounds petty, but the thing is, you know,

you advertised it as, "Loaded with raisins, packed with raisins."

And I'm telling you, there's none to be found.

I understand, but this is not the first time it's happened.

Right, yeah, more, several times.

No, I don't want anything, I don't want anything from you.

I'm just telling you as a consumer

you might want to look into your quality control,

because somebody there is not...

You know, well, they're just not packing 'em. You know what I mean?

You'd think it's packed. And I'm telling you there's nothing in there.

There's plenty of flakes, but there's something...

What I'm... Looking for the...

I'm gonna call you back. Thank you so much.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, baby, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

Move over, you.

I am moved over.

Oh.

Oh, like you're the thinnest person in the world.

No reason to lash out at me.

I'm so ready for a flat stomach and a baby.

So the whole... That joy of gestating thing?

Over it. I see.

I'm way over it.

I'm over being clumsy.

I'm over having people ask me when I'm due.

I'm over strangers touching my stomach 500 times a day.

So, you're over it, you're saying?

That's what I'm saying.

What else do we need now?

We need cereal. Cereal.

You know what? Let me get it. I can do it.

Sweetie.

I can't thank you enough.

Sweetie, go sit down before they throw us out of here. Would you?

Where am I gonna sit down?

Go sit on the horsey.

I'm not sitting on the horsey.

Why do I have to sit on the horsey?

Because you're knocking over the whole supermarket.

It deserves to be knocked over.

What is all this? There are countries with no cereal at all.

These people are flaunting it.

Oh.

Sweetie. Lady.

I'm going.

You know, listen, if it's any consolation,

you knocked things over when you were thin, too.

Not with my navel.

I'm already late for David and Jared's.

You know, do me a favor. Don't go there.

They're having their grand opening is in three days,

and there's all kinds of stuff to do.

Besides, I feel responsible.

He's my cousin. You're not responsible.

I'm the one that suggested they open the coffeehouse.

Yeah, but you're not responsible.

I found the location.

That doesn't make you responsible.

I held David's trembling hand

while he signed the lease.

All right, so you're a little bit responsible.

Sweetie, for God's sake, do me a favor.

Go sit down. Sit right now. You sit on the horsey.

You know, I went to Yale.

Okay. Well, then, sit on the horsey, Professor.

Hey, Mommy, look at the fat lady.

Oh, honey, she isn't fat.

See, she's pregnant.

Okay. You know what? You want to feel?

No. Oh, come on.

She's got a baby inside.

I don't want to. He doesn't want to.

Yes, he does.

No, gross!

Honey.

Five hundred times a day.

Honey, you know, people are just naturally curious.

They want to experience the miracle of life.

I want to ride the horsey.

I beg your pardon?

I want to ride the horsey.

Horsey's no good.

Wouldn't you rather ride the rocket ship?

You could be an astronaut

and travel to distant lands and faraway planets?

No. I want to ride the horsey.

All right. Here we go.

[CLANGING]

Mommy, the fat lady broke it.

You know what? Okay, sweetie, sweetie, he's a kid.

For the longest time, she's totally into the pregnancy,

and I'm not really into it.

I mean, yeah, okay, I go through the motions,

but at some level, I'm not really into it.

So now, here we are, I'm finally, I'm totally into it.

She's over it.

Well, let me tell you something. You think she's over it?

Thank you for your support.

You're welcome.

Whoa. Look at this girl on that jeans ad.

I'd cut off the left side of my head to be with her.

Maybe if you cut off the left side of your head,

she wouldn't want to be with you.

You're saying otherwise she would?

No.

Hey. What do you suppose this means?

PAUL: "Who cares?"

I know what it says. I'm asking you what it means.

Who cares?

Maybe I care. Don't. Don't care.

That's exactly what they want you to do.

Well, somebody's got to care.

[BUS STOPS] Do what you want, all right?

I got my own problems.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Look at this. Boy, this city.

You got a pregnant woman standing here with packages,

not one person giving up their seats.

It's unbelievable. What a world, huh?

Look at this clown, not moving a muscle.

Where were they raised?

Paulie, I can't take this anymore. Give up your seat.

You give up your seat.

I would, I would, gladly, but my leg.

Fine. I hope you're very proud of yourself.

Um, excuse me. Would you like my seat?

Oh, thank you. Sure.

That's very kind of you.

Oh, listen, to me. To me, it's not kindness.

To me it's common decency.

I'd shake your hand, but...

Paulie, Paulie...

Oh, hey, uh, can I help you with your bags?

Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you. Oh, sure.

I didn't know people like you existed.

Well... We do.

Normally, I'm the same way, but, you know, my leg.

Oh, well, whenever you need something,

everyone always seems to turn the other way.

Isn't that always the case?

How'd you lift these? They're so heavy. They're unbelievable.

Oh, here, give me those. I'm kidding.

No, please. I'm getting off at West 4th,

and it's just a few blocks from there.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're gonna walk with these?

Oh, it's not far. I do it all the time.

Oh. You hear that?

I heard that.

And you're not gonna help carry the bags?

I didn't say that.

Why don't you help?

My leg.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Jamie, hi! Hi, there.

Hello, Jamie. Hi.

Look at you. You look beautiful.

Oh, nice of you to say.

When's the big day?

Oh, look at me. They're all big days.

Is she beautiful, or is she beautiful?

She's beautiful. [CHUCKLES]

So, how's Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Burt?

They're fine. How's your father?

In Florida, thank God.

So, what do you think?

It's really shaping up.

I see you decided on a name,

Madame Defarge's.

Oh, don't go there.

We have a little disagreement on the name.

Yeah, he thinks it's the perfect name.

I, on the other hand, think it sucks.

Madame Defarge's was the place in Tale of Two Cities

where the people met and discussed the revolution.

Who knows that?

What, are we gonna explain it to them

as they pass by on their way to Starbucks?

Is this the new cappuccino machine?

Oh, don't go there, either.

What's the matter?

Fifty-five hundred dollars.

Is that a lot for a cappuccino machine?

Fifty-five hundred dollars for a machine that goes [GRUNTS] and spits coffee.

My father's in Boca doing the same thing for free!

This is not just any cappuccino machine.

It's Italian! So what?

Have you ever driven a Fiat?

Okay, okay. Guys...

You have a grand opening in three days.

You're a little tense. It's perfectly normal.

I've had my own business. I totally understand.

But you have to take a deep breath

and try to remember why you entered this partnership

in the first place. Come on.

[BOTH SIGHING]

Fifty-five hundred dollars! What the hell were you thinking?

I explained this to you!

Okay, okay. You guys, you know what?

I'm not doing anything for the next couple of days.

I'm gonna hang around here

and make sure you guys get started on the right foot.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

You're a really big help.

Great. So, what could I do?

Really? Yeah. I wanna help.

Well, you could help us unpack these mugs.

Great. It's the least I can do.

These are great.

I do that sometimes.

Well, here we are.

Ah, see, it wasn't that far out of our way.

Oh, I can't thank you enough.

No problem. Our pleasure.

Hey, look at this. Here we go again. "Who cares?"

Who cares? Oh, yeah. What is that all about?

See that, Paulie? I'm not the only one who cares.

You don't really care, do you?

Oh, I care a little. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, you know what? I have a theory.

I think there's a guy named Who, who's running for office.

A guy named Who?

Where, in the Abbott and Costello district?

[LAUGHS]

Well, what do you think it is?

I don't know. Who cares already?

Listen, here you go. Here's your packages.

Thank you. Nice meeting you. Best of luck to you.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Uh, sure. Anything.

Just to get another opinion.

Does it bother you when strangers want to touch your stomach?

Uh... 'Cause to me, it's so not a big deal.

You know what I mean?

I mean, people are naturally curious

since, after all, it's a miracle.

Well, I wouldn't call it that.

No, no. I don't understand

if somebody wants to touch it for one second.

Well, uh, I guess...

I mean, I suppose, if you really want to.

I'd enjoy it. I would. You can. [LAUGHS]

Ooh, there you go. You see? Nothing wrong with that.

No. That was nice. Thank you.

Take a feel. Me?

Look what's going on.

Whoo! I think I felt something. [LAUGHS]

Pretty soon, there's gonna be nothing there to feel.

[LAUGHS] Yeah? When is the big day?

Well, I don't know exactly,

but I aim for about five months. [LAUGHS]

Five months? I didn't know you could control it like that.

[WHISPERS] I'm in the zone.

What zone?

The new diet. I've lost 70 pounds in six months.

[LAUGHS]

You sure that's such a good idea in your condition?

What condition?

I said, what condition?

Hello!

Your condition, in your condition that you're...

Naturally, organically, a certain, uh...

Not largeness, but it's not smallness,

let's be honest, there's nothing small...

Uh, okay... A little help?

Paulie, please.

To clarify. All right, so you're just...

You're just... You're a solid citizen.

Well, you're just a big stupid!

[UNLOCKS DOOR]

[DOOR CLOSES]

What's the matter with you?

Very smooth, Paulie. Very smooth.

Can I tell you my two favorite words?

Ka... Ching!

Jamie, we need more water glasses!

[GLASS BREAKS]

JAMIE: Yes, you do!

Is it my imagination, or has she broken a lot of stuff?

[GLASS BREAKS]

She's broken a lot of stuff.

You have to talk to her.

She's your cousin.

By marriage. By marriage. That doesn't count.

Well, I love Jamie.

Well, I love her, too, but she's killing us.

That's why you've got to tell her to go away.

I'm not gonna tell her.

Well, I'm not gonna tell her.

Well, somebody's gotta tell her.

Hey, guys!

Paul! Paul!

What'd I do? Uh, nothing.

So, how you been?

Good. How you doing? The place looks great. Thanks.

I love the name, Madame Defarge.

I think they had a big dance hit in the eighties, didn't they?

Remember?

Please. Don't go there.

Sorry. What'd I say?

Nothing. Hey, would you like to have a seat?

Uh, how about a cup of coffee?

Uh, only if you got some made.

Yeah. Coffee shop.

Uh, yeah, sure... No, actually, I'm fine.

Tell me, how's Jamie doing?

[CRASHING]

JAMIE: My fault!

Okay, uh, here's the thing.

We love Jamie. We love her very much.

What's not to love?

Well, I'm a lucky man.

Here's the thing. She's killing us.

She's breaking mugs. She's breaking cake plates.

The ashtray. Don't forget the ashtray.

She broke his grandmother's ashtray.

Listen, guys, I understand.

She's just sensitive about this stuff right now,

and working here is really, really wonderful for her.

Yeah, but I'm telling you,

we have almost nothing of value left.

I will... I'll reimburse you for the mugs, all right?

How many mugs did she break?

One hundred and sixty.

See, I thought right there, you were gonna say, like, four.

Paulie, you gotta help us.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Can't you say something nice to her

that'll make her go away?

Guys, I mean, don't you think you ought to do that?

Oh, no. We could never do that.

It'd be much nicer coming from you.

Come on. It's your responsibility.

Why? It's your store.

It's your wife. Yes, exact...

I can't do that. Please, come on.

Just be nice to her and tell her the truth.

Look, she's an adult, you're both adults, just be mature.

Okay. We'll do it.

Hi! Hi!

Oh, hey, we were just talking to Paul.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. Just came to see how you're doing. How are you?

Great.

They really need my help.

Thank God I'm here.

So, did you do... What?

Just... Just love you very much, that's all.

BOTH: Aw.

So, did you do it yet? Do what?

"What?" Did you apologize to the nice lady?

Oh, uh, you know, I'm...

I'm building up to it.

That was three days ago. You said you feel terrible.

And I do. I really do.

So apologize to her.

I... You know... I don't know where she lives.

You walked her to her house.

Yeah, but I think a lot of times she goes out.

Paul. What?

Just do the mature thing. You'll feel better.

You hear that, guys?

Do the mature thing. Be more like me.

You want a cappuccino? Uh, no, thanks.

Come on. I just learned how to work the machine.

All right, in that case, sure.

Uh... Jamie...

Um, there's something that we have to talk to you about.

Absolutely. Just give me one minute.

[SMASHING]

You know what? Doesn't matter now.

You know what it may be? Oh, leave it alone.

No. No, I'm serious. An acronym.

Who, W.H.O.

"We help... Oxen."

It could be. Yeah, that's what it is.

Hey, is that her?

No. That's not her?

Paulie, would you stop worrying?

It's a city of eight million people.

I know, eight million people who take the same bus every day.

She's not gonna get on this bus.

How do you know?

Paulie, you know how you see a beautiful woman on a bus,

you hope to see her again, you never do?

Yeah? It's the same thing.

Only she's not so beautiful,

and you never want to see her again.

I hope you're right, because this is her stop.

WOMAN: Oh, excuse me. Pardon me.

Thank you. You're very kind.

My God!

Paulie, what's the odds of this happening?

You should've bet me.

You know what? What?

We just... We gotta do the mature thing.

Yeah? Yeah.

MAN: Can I have a cappuccino?

Um... No.

An espresso?

No.

Latte? No.

House blend?

Uh, no.

Mocha grande? No.

Cafe au lait? No.

Brewed decaf? Sorry.

Any coffee product at all?

No.

Is that a Starbucks I saw down the street?

Yeah. Thank you.

Ooh! Gin.

Oh, good.

IRA: Hey, look at that. Would you look at that?

You know, Paulie, we're getting closer. I can feel it.

They're gonna let us know soon.

At this moment, I feel genuinely sorry for you.

Oh, hey. Hi! Hey!

Listen... No. No, no, wait a second.

Please, please. Just wait one second?

Aren't you finished with fat people?

Why don't you go mock the handicapped?

Can I just say something? One moment. Let me apologize.

I meant no offense. I meant no insult.

I just made a big mistake,

I screwed up, and I'm sorry.

I'd like to believe you...

Believe him. It's been bothering him for days.

It really has. Really?

Really. Can we buy you a cup of coffee?

Okay. Yeah.

There's a new place right around here, and, oh, it's great.

They have small, medium, large, whatever you want...

See? Isn't this nice?

Look how far we've come.

Sitting together nicely, enjoying a beverage.

Yes, it's nice.

It is nice, you know? Hanging out, making friends,

meeting family.

Your wife is very lovely.

Well, thank you. When is she due?

Oh, just a few weeks.

Oh, wow! How come they don't serve coffee here?

Jamie? Yeah?

It's a... Long story.

Have you ever thought of having kids yourself?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'll bet you would be a great mother.

Excuse me? Don't you think?

Don't you think she'd be a great mother?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look at her. She's so sweet and natural,

just a certain maternal sense about you.

"She"?

Hmm?

"She?" Oh, my God.

What?

You think I'm a woman?

You think I'm a woman!

Do I think you're a woman?

You're asking me... Do I think she's a woman?

Yes, I think you do.

You're a woman, aren't you?

Please be a woman! No!

I'm a man!

Yes, of course you are!

I know that. Come on.

I'm kidding. Yes, you're a very masculine man.

Nobody's doubting that.

Hey, why don't we go to a hardware store?

Yes! Let's do that, the three of us.

This is so embarrassing!

I can't believe you think I'm a woman!

Not at all! That's not what I said.

I think you misunderstood me.

Misunderstood? Yes.

You said "She." You said "Her." Yes, but...

You said I'd make a good mother!

Yes, but that you'd be...

When I said you'd be a good mother, that's like...

That's street talk. That's an expression.

That means you're cool. You're very cool.

I call you a good mother all the time, don't I?

I do! Look. Hey, Dave...

You'd be a good mother.

You see? He likes it when I say it to him.

This is too much.

No, it's not too much! It's not too much!

My God, on the street the other day...

You thought I was pregnant!

Never! No, no... Yes!

You thought I was a pregnant woman! Please...

Now she's all upset!

He! He! Whatever.

He. That's not at all... I think... You know what, Renee?

I think tomorrow we're gonna laugh about this.

No, no. This is the most horrible moment of my life.

Calm down, calm down.

Let's just sit down and talk about this.

Now we know everything.

You know us. We know you. This is good, right?

This is what friends do over a beverage. They talk...

You know what? Let's get somebody...

Jared, you know what?

Uh, let me get a chocolate chip cookie for myself...

Same. Okay, and for the lady?

[ALL SIGHING]

"Who really, really cares?" Hmm.

What do you suppose the difference is?

The extra "Really."

You know what, Paulie?

They lost me.

You see that? Nobody cares.

This is what I'm saying.

MAN: In front.