Original subtitles

What are you reading? Julius Caesar.

Oh, for your Shakespeare group? Uh-huh.

That's so cool that you do stuff like that.

I should do stuff like that.

It's good. Keeps the brain sharp.

Keeps the wits sharp, the IQ up there.

Keeps you interesting to your mate.

Huh?

Doesn't really matter.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, baby, Help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

PAUL: James, put the book down.

Stop dilly-dallying. Get going. Let's go.

I'm going, I'm going.

You got big things to do. Big day for Jamie.

What?

It's quittin' time!

Quittin' time.

Jamie, you're quitting today?

Yes, I am. Yeah, yeah.

She says she is, but she tried 100 times,

and then she just cannot bring herself to do it.

I can do it. I'm just worried about Lance.

What's gonna become of him?

He will be fine without you, believe me.

He's ready for this. Trust me. He is prepared.

I can quit anytime I want to.

You know what you need? One of those little withdrawal patches.

I'm waiting for the right time.

When would that be? Are you going to just shout out the words

while actually having the baby?

No. I've been waiting for Lance's campaign

to get on an upswing, and it's finally on one.

A huge upswing.

It is! We're up in the polls,

we finally have money coming in,

and, as a crowning achievement,

I've booked him on Newsnight with Judy Kaufman.

Wow! She had the pope on last night.

You know that I've never, ever seen Newsnight?

Why not?

Well... It's on opposite Popeye.

What happened to all the umbrellas? PAUL: Huh?

The umbrellas.

Oh, I think I have some in my office.

How many?

Six.

[SHRIEKING]

Oh! Oh, my God! What is it?

Hey, Fran, Fran, it's a bird.

You say that like this happens all the time.

They go for the eyes!

They don't go for the eyes.

What the hell is a bird flying in here for?

You left the window wide open.

Since when is that an invitation to exotic birds?

[COCKATOO SHRIEKS] If we leave the door open,

what, is a cougar gonna walk in?

I have to get to work and lead Fran to safety.

Will you get rid of it, please?

Yeah, I'll do that, 'cause, as you know, I am a falconer.

Hey, Murray. Take care of that.

What am I paying you for?

TROY: It sounds like a really great plan... I think.

You boys think you have the cojonesto do this?

[HIGH-PITCHED] Yes. [NORMAL VOICE] Yes, Arthur.

The TV studio's been taken care of.

Is everything set on your end? Everything's set.

If this goes down the way you promised,

we will be most appreciative.

How appreciative?

This is just a taste.

Oh, my favorite flavor.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[WHISPERING]

Morning. Aah! Oh.

Maybe enough coffee for today, Troy?

Uh... Uh, sorry. I just, uh...

Nice blouse.

Yes, uh, good workmanship.

Uh, may it sustain many washings.

Thank you. What were you guys doing outside?

Outside? Outside. Outside.

Outside. In the alley. I just saw you. What were you doing?

Oh. Having a catch.

Having a catch?

Yes. We were having a catch.

Huh. Why did that man hand you an envelope?

What envelope?

Oh, this envelope. Oh. Well, I had this one,

and, uh, I asked him to hold it while we were playing catch.

Hello, everybody. Hey, Lance!

Hey, who's better than you are?

Nobody, that's who. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Jamie, I'm sorry I'm late. My wife, she...

She had this silly dream that something terrible would happen to me today,

and she begged me to stay home.

That's so weird. I'm reading Julius Caesar.

His wife does the exact same thing.

And, and what's the terrible thing that happens to him?

He's stabbed to death in public.

Ooh, that would be terrible.

[CHUCKLES]

Whenever you're ready, I want to drill you

for your big Newsnightinterview today.

Oh, my God.

That's it! That's the terrible thing!

Lance, it's national exposure.

Yeah, but it's, it's with Judy Kaufman.

That woman tears people to ribbons. Did you see what she did to the pope?

That's because he wasn't briefed. You will be.

It's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to your campaign.

Oh, no, no, no. I am terrible at those things.

My, my mind goes blank. I can't remember anything.

I say the first thing that pops into my head.

I mean, let's face it, Jamie, I choke under pressure.

Why I think I can be mayor is beyond me.

You've gone on television before. You've done fine.

Just be yourself. That's what people respond to.

Okay, be myself. Be myself.

Maybe a slightly idealized version of yourself.

Right. Right.

Listen, I will be with you the whole time. I will not leave your side.

You promise? Of course.

Oh, that makes me feel so much better.

I don't know what I'd do without you. Uh-huh.

Don't chicken out. This is a big opportunity for us.

And if Lance Brockwell has to get hurt for it to happen,

then that's just too bad for him.

What's gonna hurt Lance?

Jamie! Hi!

Um... I was just saying that if Lance Brockwell

ever knew how much we cared for him,

he would be so overcome with joy

that his heart would actually hurt.

That's what you were saying?

Did you overhear anything else?

No. Then yes.

Okay.

Lance, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

Now, I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I think you may be the victim of some sort of plot.

What? I know.

I know it sounds crazy, but I happen to be reading Julius Caesar,

and I swear it's playing out here.

Troy and Vladimir are like Brutus and Cassius,

and they're trying to destroy you.

Those two? [LAUGHS]

Hey, Vladimir. Is my wife around?

Oh, Jamsie. She's talking to Mr. Brockwell.

Okay. What'd you call her?

Jamsie. Jamie.

Jamsie. Jamie.

Jamsie. Jamsie. Jamie.

[REPEATING] Jamsie. [REPEATING] Jamie.

Jamsie.

Okay. Yes.

And then this morning a cockatoo flew into our apartment,

and that's in the play.

It's gotta be some kind of omen.

Oh, Jamie, you are so cute!

I remember, early in my career,

I was reading Crime and Punishment,

and I did the exact same thing.

I saw parallels all over the place.

Everywhere I looked, there was crime and punishment,

crime and punishment.

'Course, I was working in the DA's office at the time.

Please just promise me you'll be careful around them.

I will.

You found a cockatoo?

Well, actually, It found us.

Why don't you just kill it?

Kill it? You know, squish it with your foot.

It's, it's not a bug, you know?

It's a fairly large bird.

So spray it. Spray it and throw it in the trash.

That's what I would do.

Boy, New York is just losing its small-town feeling.

Hey.Hi.

What are you doing here?

Xeroxing for free. Oh.

Plus I am taking my suddenly jobless wife out for lunch.

So? So? How'd he take it? Fine.

I haven't told him yet. What are you doing?

It's not a good time. Something is going on around here.

Yes. You are procrastinating.

I need a bigger envelope.

I'm not procrastinating. Troy and Vladimir are plotting against Lance.

What are you talking about?

I'm serious. It's just like Julius Caesar.

[WHISPERING] PAUL: Who, yippy and yappy?

You'll see. They're acting very shifty.

Here, Jamie. You're gonna need this.

It's the directions to the Newsnightstudio.

[WHISPERING] Did you see that?

Shoo! [SHRIEKS]

Shoo! [SHRIEKS]

Hey! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

[SHRIEKS]

Looking down at us. What do you suppose he's thinking?

He's thinking, boy, both those guys are losing their hair.

Come here.

Listen to me. Do you have any idea how much that thing is worth?

Cooked or raw? [SHRIEKS]

I'm not kidding. This thing is an exotic bird.

It's worth, like, five grand.

Get outta here. I'm serious.

Somebody paid $5,000 for that? Yeah.

People just have too much money.

Paulie, the guys use this to meet women.

You know, it's, like, instead of dogs.

You teach 'em how to talk, and then they hit on chicks for you.

How lazy could you get?

They say things that you can't say, like... "Nice ass."

Hey, cut it out.

Nice ass. Stop it.

Nice ass. What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

You know what? I tell you what we should do.

We should capture it. We should sell it to a pet store.

No. What are you doing?

Shh! Gotta sneak up on it.

I saw this on Daktari.

Oh, I dunno.

[SHRIEKS] Yeah, yeah, yeah! All right!

Now what do we do? I got a plan.

It looks so sad. Looks melancholy.

I got a melancholy cockatoo.

Here. What's going on there? What is this?

Put those on. Pretend we're in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.

We're at Yankee Stadium, but we're making soup?

Shh. Come on.

Oh, I don't like this at all.

You ready? Ready... Jump!

[SHRIEKS] Hey, hey, hey!

Ready? Jump! [SHRIEKS]

Hey, come here! Get over here!

See a sort of pattern developing? That's not working.

I got an idea.

What? Ready? Shoo!

Where is everybody? Are you here for Sex Date?

Here. Fill this out.

I'm 7 months pregnant. I've actually already had my Sex Date.

I'm looking for Newsnight.

Oh. Newsnight.

Uh, they tape across town.

Oh, God. What?

Have you ever read Julius Caesar?

Uh, no, but there is a great Star Treknovel where Kirk meets him.

IRA: Paul, let me handle this. Watch the master at work.

Okay, me and my friend here, we've been thinking it over,

and, you know, it seems like 5,000 would be fair, huh?

I'll give you 500. We'll take it.

No, no. 500. Come on,

you got a bird in the front window exactly like that for six grand.

I'll give you 500. All right. We'll take it.

No! Look, the nice man is gonna give us $500.

$500 is better than nothing. What's the matter with you?

IRA: It's no good! Four hundred.

Okay, we're losing money on this.

He's bluffing. Three hundred.

300? Okay, see what's happening?

It's evaporating right as we speak. If you would listen to me...

Two hundred. Two hundred!

It's all going away right before our...

Don't worry about it. He's bluffing. $100.

$100. Okay, why don't we take that?

Fifty buck a piece. It'll at least cover our time.

Zero. What'd you say?

I will give you zero for this bird.

Zero?

Not, not 500? Zero.

400? 300? Two, one, those are all gone now?

That's right. Zero.

Okay. We're just gonna come back in. We'll try this again.

God, this is it? This is where they do Newsnight?

Why is there only one chair?

Lance, your naivete is so endearing.

Newsnightis based in Washington.

You'll do the show from here by remote.

Really!

Boy, I'll just... I'll never get the hang of this new technology.

Anyway, Lance, let's get this behind your ear.

Vladimir, don't just stand there like you're waiting on line

for toilet paper in Moscow. Help me.

Wait, oh, ahh. What's this?

This is the earphone so you can hear Judy Kaufman's questions.

It's also how I'll be able to communicate to you from the booth.

Now, you're on in exactly one minute.

One minute? Oh, God. No, I can't do this. Where's Jamie?

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Not to worry, Lance. Everything's under control.

[NEWSNIGHTTHEME PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

Hello! I'm Judy Kaufman in Washington,

and welcome to Newsnight.

My guest this evening is New York mayoral candidate Lance Brockwell.

Good evening, Lance.

Uh... [CHUCKLES] I'm, I'm sorry.

Say, "Good evening, Judy."

Uh... Good evening, Judy.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

If I am elected mayor,

I pledge to lower...

My pants. My pants.

No. Taxes.

Mr. Brockwell, have you been drinking?

TROY: Yes. Yes.

No.

No. Uh, you see, Judy, drinking dulls...

The drugs. The drugs.

No, uh, the senses.

Can I please take this thing out of my ear?

JUDY: You will not be able to hear my questions.

Hey! Jamie!

Jamsie!

Jamie? It's Judy.

Yippee!

JUDY: Excuse me?

Lance, don't acknowledge me on the air.

Security's on their way.

I don't care.

Mr. Brockwell, do you need a minute?

JAMIE: No, Lance, you can do it.

Just use your own words and be yourself.

What I was gonna say is...

That my first act as mayor

would be to restructure the tax system,

thereby creating a surplus that could be funneled into education.

Bird? Looking for a bird?

IRA: Free bird.

Would you like a bird? Here you go.

Why is nobody taking our fliers?

Fliers. Nobody takes fliers anymore.

I do. How do you think I found out

about that whole mafia-Vatican connection?

Just let the poor cockatoo go, all right?

He doesn't want to go. I asked. So ask again.

Here.

Hey, little bird. Want to fly?

Here. Fly.

Go. Fly.

Fly away. Be free.

Fly like a bird.

Be a bird. Free.

Fly. No.

So keep him. I don't want him.

All right, fine. Give him away, then.

Give him away to who?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Could we interest you in a "cockertoo"? [GASPS]

I guess she misunderstood.

Bird. Bird.

Lance, you did great!

Oh... Thanks.

I did, didn't I? Just great.

[LAUGHS] You know, I really feel

like I'm on an upswing here.

Gracie Mansion, here I come.

[LAUGHS]

Boy, I'm really feeling good about myself.

You know what I just realized, Jamie? What?

[LAUGHS] I'm the man.

[LAUGHING]

Lance, that's, that's great,

'cause there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

What's that? I'm sure you know what I'm about to say.

No. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I imagine you've known this day has been coming

for a long time. I have?

Well, Lance, as I'm sure you've surmised,

I'm quitting the campaign.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm pregnant,

so it seemed... What?

Well, I'm having a baby.

Well, this is a hell of a time!

I did tell you.

Well, I can't remember every detail.

I'm trying to keep my head above water here.

Oh, my God. This is terrible!

Lance, please. You please!

You're not making this very easy on me.

Easy on you? You're ruining my life here!

Please don't go. Don't go. Don't have a baby.

What? Well, you're killing me here, James.

You're ripping my guts out here!

It's gonna be fine. Really, it's gonna be fine.

[BOTH SIGH]

Listen, I, I've gotta go.

[SOBBING]

Lance, listen.

Listen. I've, I've really enjoyed working together,

and my hope is that we can do it again.

[SOBS]

Well... Bye.

[ANSWERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]

So what was Baretta really like?

I heard he was pretty intense.

Not even a chuckle from you?

Huh?

What are you reading now, Othello?

Nah, not really.

Want to watch Newsnight? Oh, God, no.

Okay. Want to watch Popeye? Okay.

Good. This is good.

I love that you're here. This is so good.

We can watch TV. We can hang out.

We can watch shows

that have absolutely no redeeming value.

I'm so glad you quit.

[POPEYETHEME PLAYS] What are you doing?

What?

Do you really think I want to sit here and watch Popeye?

Well, Green Acres is on, too.

You like that.

What have I done? [TV SWITCHES OFF]

What do you mean, what have you done? You quit.

You said, you promised you were gonna quit, and then you quit.

I like my job.

I love my job.

[SOFTLY] How do I know I'm going to like this?

What? How do I know I'm gonna like doing this?

How do you know you're gonna like being a mother?

Shh!

Well, it's a little late now.

I mean... You know, we can't get our deposit back.

Believe me, I know.

It's... You know, it's like when we were getting married.

You were very happy being single, right? Yeah.

But you traded that in.

You got married, and that was a big risk, wasn't it?

Yeah, it certainly was.

So let me ask you. How did that work out so far?

So far, not terrible.

So? So?

So? So?

So? All right. So shut up.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

You know, sometimes I'm very clever.

You're a very lucky woman.

You're a very lucky bird.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] You found my cockatoo.

That's your bird?

Oh, Van Gogh, you're alive!

He flew out the window while I was airing the living room.

His name is Van Gogh? I never thought I would say this,

but I am enormously grateful. Here.

Oh, isn't that nice? Look, honey, $5.

Van Gogh, I'm so happy.

I must say, I'm very appreciative.

You know, he talks.

Really? Yes.

He says, "pretty eyes."

Really. Yes. I taught him myself. Watch this.

Van Gogh, what's mommy's best feature?

VAN GOGH: Nice ass.

So, so where are you from?

VAN GOGH: I'm from, uh, Trenton originally.

I moved out here in the early '70s.

Some old lady owned me for a couple of years, but she, uh, she passed on.

So then I got sold to some store on 8th street.

That's where this British lady got me.

I got a brother down in Baltimore. I never see him.

That must be tough 'cause you can't write him or anything.

I know.

Hey, you want something to eat?

I could eat something.

Is that a yes or a no?

If you're making, I'll have.

I'm not making, but I'll make something for you.

I don't want to be a bother.

It's too late for that.