Original subtitles

[THUMPS]

PAUL: Ow!

[THUMPS] Ow.

[CRASHES]

Ow.

Here's your pencil. Thank you.

Wait a second.

Let me understand this.

So you never registered?

No. I didn't want to make people buy

specific stuff at a specific place.

Yeah, but you want presents, don't you?

I would love to get presents.

I just really don't want this to be about presents.

Jamie, it's a baby shower.

Okay. That.

What?

Calling it a baby shower.

It just sounds so Redbookmagazine.

It's just not me. What do you want to call it?

Uh, celebration.

Just having friends over.

Yeah, that's good.

Catchy.

All right. Fine. Call it a shower. Good.

But everybody's gonna know it's not that, right?

Yeah.

Now, can we talk about the games?

Whoa. Games?

James, it's a baby shower.

Well, I have this friend in my lamaze class

who plays the guitar. FRAN: The guitar?

Yeah. She sings maternal hymns from third-world countries.

I would like that.

Oh, ok.

Um, we'll say maybe.

Now, how about the baby-picture game?

I love that.

We did it at my shower.

It was really silly fun.

Paul, remember? My shower?

Uh, did I go to that?

No, but I told you about it.

The pictures, with the games?

No.

The games, with the pictures?

Yes.

Thirty women there. Yes.

Yeah, I guessed 27 of them right.

Mmm. Well, boy.

God has given you many gifts.

Okay. So we're gonna do the baby- picture game,

and we're gonna do the...

The gummi bears! The gummi bears! I wanna do the gummi bears.

Okay. Gummi bears. Um...

I was thinking that we could all read a poem by Deena Metzger.

She's this radical feminist poet, who...

James, maybe we could do the poems and the gummi bears.

Okay. Couple of gummi bears never hurt anybody.

Because I found the perfect bottle. [GASPS]

Look, is that perfect?

That's so cute.

FRAN: Debbie, it's adorable.

Paul! How cute is this?

Oh, look at that. Oh, that's cute.

Boy, if you're nursing a linebacker, that's just the thing.

It's for gummi bears.

For gummi bears? Yeah. You fill it with candy.

I see.

And everybody tries to guess how many are in there.

And whoever gets closest takes all the candy.

Sort of a game, then?

Are you being left out? No.

Because you are being left out.

Sure. I don't want you to feel like you're being left out.

See, this is what I was saying.

Can't we invite men?

Why does it have to be so clubby?

Okay, Show him the invitations. Here, look at these.

Oh, now, that's cute, too.

Now, how cute is that?

Oh, that's really cute.

Ooh, it's a little baby's foot.

See the footies, there.

Oh, open it up. Open it up!

Oh... "Help us get our baby off on the right foot."

I gotta say, I like the bunnies. Look.

These are all so cute. But look at these footsies.

Oh, the little tootsies.

Makes me want to eat them.

[ALL TALKING TOGETHER]

PAUL: Somebody say the word "hockey."

What's the matter with you?

If I hear one more word about babies and booties

and showers or anything fuzzy,

I'm gonna put a bullet in my head. No kidding around.

Marvin.

The words "fuzzy baby booties"

will not pass through these lips.

Thank you.

Hey, Paulie. What did I tell you?

Everybody told you this.

Once you have a baby, everything changes.

What baby? There is no baby.

There's just talk of a baby.

When is the baby? How's the baby?

What kind of baby? Let's have a shower for the baby.

I'm telling you, it is inhuman.

Boy, somebody sounds neglected, eh?

You know what, leave work right now. Come play basketball with me.

I can't come play basketball. Come on! A half an hour.

We'll run around, sweat, shove each other, you'll enjoy it.

Sounds tempting, but I can't right now.

Marvin, what do you say?

You know, I would love to. No.

Let me finish.

I would love to, but my boss is cruel and demanding.

How about a beer?

You can get away for a beer, can't you?

Paulie, at this moment, no, I...

One beer. Come on. We'll sit, we'll drink, we'll watch girls.

We'll say things that are unkind. I'm sorry.

Maybe... Maybe a little fistfight with tourists from other lands.

You don't get it. This weekend would be fine. But right now...

Ira, I need this.

I need this. It's important.

I'm becoming unwell.

You know what you need?

You need to get away, my friend.

You need to get out of town, just like you used to do.

You know, my folks have a place upstate.

I was thinking of going this weekend.

If you want, you could... Yes.

It isn't much. Yes.

It's just a cabin, really. Yes.

It's a bit of a drive, three hours without traffic. That's okay.

Yes. Marvin, I'm saying to you, yes.

Great. Yeah.

Paulie, are you serious?

Yeah. Come with us. It'd be great.

Three guys in a... Who's got a car?

I got a van.

Good. Three guys in a van with nothing to do.

But we'll just drive, go somewhere, and be guys.

Are you in?

What, this weekend? Yes.

You, me, and Marvin? Yes.

Oh, what the hell. Let's do it.

All right. Wait... Wait a minute.

You think James is gonna let you go away?

What are you saying?

I'm just saying, you know.

She's pregnant now, she can't get out of town.

Okay. Is it the best time to go away? No.

Is she gonna love that I'm going away?

No, but, come on, give me a break here.

You gotta take care of you.

Really. I mean, you know, everybody worries about the baby and the mommy.

Who's worrying about you?

Thank you. I mean, strangers go over to her. They see she's pregnant,

they start rubbing her belly.

Oh, look, a little baby.

What about me?

You know, nobody's rubbing anything of mine.

I'm part of this, too.

Of course you are.

Yeah, see, nobody thinks about the daddy in this.

Nobody.

Paulie, go and sell this to your wife, all right?

What does that mean?

All I'm saying is, good luck to you.

Okay, is it the best time to be going away? No.

Do I expect you to love that I'm going away? No.

You know, I know it's not fair.

I mean, you're pregnant, I'm not.

So it's easier for me to pick up and go.

For you, it's not. But listen...

Things are never going to be exactly equal, you know,

and just like you have your needs, I have my needs, too,

and right now I'm saying I really need to go away

and be with some guys for a while.

That's it. And if you can't understand that,

then maybe we have bigger problems than we think.

Go.

[SINGING TO RADIO] ♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Aah!

BOTH: Marvin, Marvin. [CAR HONKING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

RADIO: ♪ Shake it up, baby, now

♪ Shake it up, baby

I tell you, if people got together and sang that song every day,

the world would be a better place to live in.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. No question.

♪ ...work it on out

♪ Work it on out ♪

Can I just say this is so much better

than baby showers and booties?

Oh, boy, here's to two days of not having to be sensitive.

We are here for you, my friend.

Oh, this is great.

It's truly magnificent, huh, boys?

Mmm. And can I say,

only with guys would you have this.

That's right. Amen.

Yes. Nothing against women.

Hey, now, goes without saying.

It's just that with guys...what is it?

There's a thing, there's a sharing, there's a frequency we all share.

'Cause all guys have been through the same thing.

That's so true, Marvin. That's so true.

For example, all guys have been through your mother.

Ow! Ow! [LAUGHING]

Tell me something I don't know.

That's true. It really is.

I mean, guys... I mean, everything that you think is you,

every time, you talk to enough guys,

it's happened to them, too.

That's true. So true. So true.

[BALLAD PLAYING ON RADIO]

All right, all right, you know what?

I'm gonna tell you guys something that I haven't told anybody.

Seriously?

Totally seriously.

Should I turn down the music?

Whatever. Uh... [MUSIC STOPS]

Last week, for the very first time in my life,

I... I, ac...

Uh, actually, forget it. Forget it.

What, are you kidding me? What?

We're in a mutual-trust situation here.

Absolutely. Go ahead.

Eh, come on. It's us. It's us.

All right, all right. What the hell.

Last week, for the very first time in my life, okay?

I'm dating this girl.

Her name is Laurie Grobman,

and I, uh...

You couldn't...

Paulie, who told you?

Well, I took a wild guess.

Couldn't what?

I couldn't, you know...

For the first time in my life, Marvin,

I... I failed in my obligations, you know?

I am totally lost.

The man was impotent!

I think I made a wrong turn.

I have no idea where I am.

IRA: Hey, come on.

I thought at least this would engender some conversation.

All right, I got something.

All right, Marvin's gonna go.

Well, it better be good, Marvin, 'cause I shared.

Same ballpark.

Yeah? All right, go.

You... You know how when you're with a woman,

and you're in bed and everything...

And you want it to last?

Sure, sure.

And you... You know how

the longer you go at it, the... the better?

Of course.

Sometimes...

It doesn't last that long.

Hey, Marvin, that happens.

Sometimes not long at all.

Ah. Whatever.

Sometimes 10...

12 seconds.

Sometimes less.

Hey, well, listen, Marvin, you know, uh,

what guys haven't been through that?

You know, I mean, it kind of happens to everybody.

Yeah?

Sure. Okay. Sure.

You know, I never really said anything,

'cause you never know, you... you know?

Ah, sure, yeah.

Boy...

Feels good to say that

to a couple of guys!

So you don't feel like a freak.

Hey, hey, Marvin.

[BELL RINGS]

I can't believe I said that out loud.

Wow, you guys are great.

You know, Marvin, what the problem may be?

And I'm just guessing,

but maybe you're a big sissy?

What?

I was just... you know, as a possibility,

to me it's not out of the question

that what may be the issue

is that you're just a big fat sissy.

Is that a joke?

A what? Yes, of course it's a joke.

Well, I... I don't think it's funny.

Marvin... That's a stupid thing to say.

Of course it's a stupid thing to say.

That's the whole point of the joke. Otherwise...

What are you doing?

Hey, Marvin!

That was not very sensitive.

[DOG BARKS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Need a shammy?

No. I do not need a shammy.

Nice shammy cloth.

Thank you, no. All right.

So where is he, Paulie?

He will be back. He'll be back.

It's been almost an hour.

I can't believe I wanted to have a little break from sensitivity,

and now I gotta go say I'm sorry to Marvin.

Hey, you guys buying or looking?

Well, I'd like to browse just a little longer,

seeing as you have such a wide selection of jerkies.

Did you learn nothing? What?

You get this guy mad,

he's gonna make us wait outside.

We're not dressed for winter.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir.

Uh...

I, uh... Here is our situation.

We... This is funny, actually.

Our friend drove off with our wallets in the van,

and, uh, getting a bit thirsty.

Water hose over by the pump.

Okay. Good.

Also we're getting, um, a little bit hungry,

and couldn't help but notice you got

a mouth-watering array of both chip and nut products,

and we were just kind of wondering if we could

possibly get maybe a couple cans of soda

and, uh, say, a bag of chips on credit?

And then, you know, just till our friend comes back.

Credit? Sorry, boys.

"No credit, no how, no way."

Yes. I can see how for...

How you have that up for everybody,

but this is a... A little bit of a...

Special circumstances, don't you think?

Sorry. No credit.

Okay.

You know what?

Put your hands up.

What's the matter with you, anyway?

"Put your hands up"?

It was a joke, an obvious joke.

Does that look like a gun? Come on.

That's clearly fingers.

Paulie, it was a bad joke.

It's not like I was inside a pocket, pretending.

It was out there.

It was raw fingers, knuckles, and nails,

no metal. A joke.

No, no, no. Look, a joke is when people laugh, okay?

A bad joke is when people brandish firearms

and kick you out into the freezing cold

while your warm clothes are stuck in a van

where somebody else who you already pissed off,

drove away and left you to die.

That, mon frere, is a bad, bad joke.

Everybody is so sensitive.

I make jokes with you all the time.

I make fun of you.

Yeah, and I you. Yeah.

Paulie, we know each other.

The rest of the world isn't like us.

Sorry, so, is that my problem or their problem?

[ANIMAL HOWLING]

Right now...

I would say that's our problem.

IRA: I do not like this one iota.

PAUL: Come on. We're gonna make it.

So, guess where I ate last week.

Huh?

That place, Il Molino.

How did you get in?

It was Tuesday. There was, like, nobody there.

Ah.

What'd you have?

Just the pasta.

I'm telling you, my feet are freezing.

I can't feel my toes.

You know what? We gotta keep moving.

We just gotta keep moving, see?

That's how to stay warm.

Hey, cut it out. Hey, this is good.

This keeps the blood circulating. This is all good.

Come on, you don't want me to hit you right now.

Come on. You should try it. You should try it. Come on, one shot.

Cut it out. You couldn't even get in here.

Look at that. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Come on. One shot. You couldn't even touch me. Ow!

What are you, nuts?

You told me to hit you.

Not in the face, you jackass. It's freezing.

I know it's freezing.

It stings when it's cold.

Paulie, you said one shot.

One shot. Come here. I'll give you one shot.

All right. You ripped my pants. Are you happy now?

Brand new pants, Paulie.

Look at this. Just look at this.

Hey. Better yet, look at this.

It looks like our friend Marvin is here.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Three ball, corner pocket.

Marvin.

You scratched.

Thanks, Paul.

No, thank you, Marvin.

All right, all right, boys. Why don't we go sit down.

We'll talk this thing out, all right?

I'm not talking to you.

Yo, Marvin, Paulie's not the only guy

you ditched back there, all right?

Look at me. I lost three toes and a brand-new pair of pants.

Well, I tried to give you a sign that I was leaving.

You did?

Yeah. I was doing this.

Oh, uh, I didn't catch that.

Well, I did. I'm sorry you got caught in the middle.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't worry about it.

And you, you got a peculiar idea of what constitutes a joke.

You know what?

You're the one who called Marvin a sissy?

Hi. How are you tonight?

That kind of name-calling stuff is so old, man.

And who are these fine young ladies?

Huh? I don't know.

That's her, and that's her friend.

Uh, I'm Darla, and...

Dawn.

How you doing?

You believe this guy?

Creep.

Hey, can I buy you ladies a domestic beer?

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt.

Are you?

Not that much.

The point is, it was a joke.

It was... Was it an insensitive joke?

Yes, but that was the point,

because we were all sharing.

We were all being open and vulnerable,

so I think, "Okay, what is the worst thing to say?"

And then go ahead and say that.

What?

Okay, look, here's rude, and here's me.

So I'm one level past being rude,

because how could I be rude if I know it's rude, see?

So I'm smart. I already know it's rude,

and I think you're up there with me, together,

making fun of the rudeness.

That's a joke that we were sharing.

See I thought that you and I,

we could make fun of the same thing,

and that it would be funny.

I'm going to the can.

I just can't reason with that guy.

Why would you call Marvin a sissy?

It was a joke, ma'am.

I don't get it. Me, neither.

If I may, I don't get it myself.

How is that funny?

Do you want me to explain it?

Yes. Yes.

It's...

Okay, to me,

it's funny because it's so wrong, you know?

It's so far into wrong

that it becomes funny,

because it's so inappropriate.

You see what I mean? It's the worst thing to do.

It's like laughing at a funeral.

You laugh at funerals?

That's sick.

Again, I can honestly say

that I have never laughed at a funeral, but that's me.

Okay, you want to hear something funny?

This is funny.

Tell them the one about... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. What do you call a dog with three legs?

Nothing. 'Cause no matter what you call him,

he ain't gonna come.

[LAUGHING]

You heard it before?

I heard it before, yes.

Actually, in fact, I think the joke is

"what do you call a dog with no legs?"

What?

The way I heard it, the actual joke is

"What do you call a dog with no legs?" See?

You said "three legs."

"No legs" is the only difference.

See, because three legs...

You call a dog with three legs, he could still...

He could, you know, hobble over.

So he's hobbling, and he would get there eventually.

It would take him a while, but he'd get there somehow,

'cause he can do it.

A dog with no legs, he's not coming...

Ever.

A dog with no legs?

That is so sad.

I mean, how's he gonna eat? How's he gonna play?

No, I'm not... I'm not condoning it. That's the actual...

What's the matter with you?

Your friend has a real problem.

I'm just saying the actual joke...

Look, maybe you should just give it a rest, mister.

Okay, but you brought up the joke. Walk away.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go play pool with guys.

[SIGHS]

You're friends with him?

Him? No. No way.

He's really insensitive.

But, yeah, but that's why it's funny.

Don't you see?

To call a man a sissy...

Doesn't seem very funny to me.

No, it's not. It's, see...

But see, we were all being out there

and open and vulnerable.

We were all sharing.

Let me tell you something.

There's nothing sissy-like about sharing.

Nah... Maybe I'm not explaining the joke properly.

I've been in AA for 12 years now.

I think I can safely say it saved my life. Me, too.

You know how? No.

By being open, vulnerable, sensitive.

Hey, listen, I'm the most sensitive guy in the world.

All I'm saying... Easiest thing in the world

is to make fun of somebody who's having a problem.

Listen,

with the help of these good friends,

I haven't had a drink in over 12 years.

No kidding? Is that true?

April 23 will be 13 years.

Wow. Hey, that is some accomplishment. No kidding.

Well, good for you.

Let me buy you a drink, and we'll celebrate.

Are you out of your mind?

See, that's the same joke. I know...

That's not a joke, mister.

You don't have to laugh, but I know that that's a bad thing to say,

so I say it to be funny. That's all...

Son, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. What happened?

You're disturbing my customers.

Me?

I'm afraid so.

Wait, you're throwing me out because of a joke?

Am I going out of my mind here?

This is not a baby shower, it's a bar, you know?

There's liquor, and people curse.

You better not start cursing now.

I'm not gonna curse...

Okay, you know what? We got off on the wrong foot.

You don't know me. I happen to be the nicest guy in the world.

But even the nicest guy once in a while,

on occasion, has just got to be insensitive.

Why? Why what?

Why do you have to be insensitive?

Are you kidding me?

What... I mean, am I your biggest problem?

Right now.

You want to talk about offensive?

Have you seen the graffiti?

Look at your bar. You got genitalia carved in your wood.

That's disgusting.

I didn't do it.

I'm sorry about my friend here.

He's a little wound up.

You know, his wife is about to have a baby.

ALL: Aww.

You're having a baby?

Well, soon, yeah.

That is just such a miracle.

It's not a miracle. I have two of my own.

Ashley is seven, and Jordan is three.

Why didn't you tell us that you were gonna have a baby?

Well, 'cause I don't know you.

Is it a boy or girl? One of the two.

Oh, I hope it's gonna be a girl.

This is my sister's little girl. She's just seven months.

Ooh, look at that. Her name's Madison.

Look at those little cheeks.

Don't you just want to bite them?

Num num num.

This is so cute.

RADIO: ♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Shake it up, baby, now ♪

Look at this.

This is adorable.

You like it? Oh, it's so cute.

I'm glad you liked it. I thought you would.

It has the feet with little fuzzy booties.

And look, in the back, it has the little bunny cottontail.

So, the baby falls on his little baby bottom,

it's all cushioned nice softy, softy.

You picked this out? I did.

Aww.

Sissy.

Thank you.

So, this guy, he's got a dog,

and, um, oh, he loves this dog so much,

and the dog's only got, um...

Three...

Two legs. Two.

I'll get it right when we get down there.

That's a ways to go, and, um...

Oh, he's gonna throw, eh, the ball to the...

He's got a beautiful backyard, and he...

You haven't heard this one before?

No. Not at all. Okay.

So he throws it, uh, to...

No, he's gonna throw it.

What's the dog's name?

Oh, oh, here it is. Here it is.

What do you call a dog with three legs?

No, it's no legs, and the answer's "nothing",

'cause no matter what you call him, he ain't coming.

What's the matter with you?