Original subtitles

New York, huh? Hmm? Yeah.

It's just such a romantic city.

It really is.

You know what? See you later.

All right.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into the final frontier ♪

MAN: [ON RADIO] Traffic and weather together, 35 times an hour.

It's three degrees in New York,

but good news! It'll be going up to four.

[RADIO TURNS OFF]

[SHIVERS] Okay.

So, A, good morning. [GROANS]

And two, is there anybody in the country colder than us?

Where is the heat? I think the pipes broke again.

We gotta call Mr. Wicker. [TELEPHONE RINGING]

The man's not just a super, he's a psychic.

Hello? Hey, Daddy.

PAUL: Hey, Joan. Can Jamie get on?

Yeah. Hold on. It's Joan.

So tell me. Little hiccup.

I knew it. Very minor.

Remember that thing we talked about the other day?

I went over your sonogram with Dr. Hutchinson,

and he agrees that it's placenta previa.

Uh-huh. Which means that the placenta's

just a little too close to your cervix.

Uh-huh. Which is nothing to worry about.

It'll correct itself with two or three days' bed rest.

That's it? Just bed rest?

Mm-hmm. I told you. Very minor.

All right, well, I should probably try to stay in bed.

No, you have to stay in bed.

I understand. If I need to get out of bed for a second...

No, you have to stay in bed.

I'm just saying if for one second...

JOAN: Jamie! I should probably just stay in bed.

That is correct.

Not so much as a foot on the floor. Let me talk to Paul.

Hello, sir.

What are you doing for the next two or three days?

Uh, not much. Today I got a meeting...

JOAN: What are you doing for the next two or three days?

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go up...

What are you doing for the next two or three days?

Am I staying home taking care of my wife? Yes!

Whatever she wants you get, whatever she says you do.

If she leaves that bed, it's your fault. Got it?

Uh, my fault. Good.

If there are any distractions,

any stress, any anything, it's what, Paul?

Entirely my fault? Yup.

Jamie, feel good. Behave yourself. I'll check in later.

Tell my sister-in-law to feel good.

Debbie, too, would like you to feel good.

JAMIE: Tell her thank you.PAUL: Thanks, Joan.

So it's minor, right?

That's what she said. She said "very minor."

A couple of days' bed rest.

You like the bed, right?

I love the bed. You sleep in this bed every night.

I do.So it will be like that, just a little longer.

Not my favorite phone call. No. No, okay.

But you know what? I am here, and I will take care of you.

Oh, I don't want you to have to take care of me.

Please. It's my honor. It's my thrill.

Really? Come on. This will be fun.

Uh... What?

Nothing. No, no, no, no, no.

No, see? Right here. You tell me.

I was going to get out of bed and grab a sweater

'cause I'm cold, but I don't want you to have to get out of bed...

See? That's the kind of thing. Sweater is coming up.

Oh, it's cold! Oh! Oh! Oh! Wow! Wow! Wow!

Ok, no, sweetie, you got to learn.

You got to learn to go with this. Doctor's orders.

No, no, no, honey. Other drawer.

Other drawer, okay. I'm sorry.

Sweater.

No, pullover. Pullover.

Okay. Sorry.

Honey, that's a vest. Vest. No vest. No vest.

How about here? Scratchy.

Too scratchy. Here. Nice, huh?

Ehh... Uh... No? Okay, all right.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, see? I was kidding with the other sweaters.

Wow! Wow! Wow! It's cold!

Thank you. Hey, please, no problem.

I'm so sorry.

Sweetie, you have to learn

to let others do for you.

Well, I feel guilty.

Guilty? Hey, you're going to deprive me

of the privilege of nursing you and

your little placenta back to health?

You're very nice.

I'm very nice and very cold.

I can dial the phone. Hey, hey, hey.

Not on my watch. [KEYPAD BEEPING]

I'm going to get Mr. Wicker up here tout de suite,

take care of you. You shouldn't be cold.

Mr. Wicker, Buchmans, 11-D.

I need you up here right away. There's no...

The whole building?

I see. I see.

I see. Okay.

He'll be here whenever he can.

In the meantime, what would you like for breakfast?

Oh, you don't have to make me breakfast.

Hey, breakfast is just the beginning.

There'll be breakfast, there'll be lunch, there'll be dinner

and snacks in between.

All brought to you by me, your loving houseboy, Coco.

Now, tell me. Tell me what you would like for breakfast.

Whatever is easy. Cereal.

[SCOFFS] Come on.

Whatever. An egg.

An egg?

Don't insult Coco.

Seriously? You tell me.

Anything your little heart desires.

Anything my heart desires.

Okay.

Potato pancakes?

All right, sir. Forget it. I don't need it. I'm fine.

No, no! Potato pancakes it is.

Coco leaves now.

Coco's cold! I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay, it's really... You know what, it's not even that bad.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Coco's getting dressed.

Coco's going to get dressed a little more.

Now I'm dressed,

albeit like an extra in Gandhi,

but still I'm all right.

I'm okay. Ready to face the...

Oh, no. What?

What did you do?

What did you do? What did he do?

He retiled the bathroom. He peed!

He peed on the bathroom floor.

What did you do?

Does he look all right to you?

I don't know. Does he?

I don't know. He just seems... Not himself.

He seems a little distant, a little detached.

A little blase.

Murray, are you blase?

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Ma. Still got those keys, do you?

Uh-huh. Good. That's nice.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I come up here sometimes during the day.

You're usually gone.

Well, isn't that something? I did not know that.

PAUL: No.

What's with you? You're still in bed.

Joan's orders. Really?

Two or three days' bed rest.

Oh, well, it's lucky I'm here.

I can get whatever you want.

No. Ma. I'm here for that.

In fact, you know what? We should not even have anybody else here.

Well, don't mind me.

I'm just going to measure the room.

You're gonna what?

You remember that crib you liked?

I got the catalog.

Really? SYLVIA: Yup.

And I was thinking that if you just got rid of the piano,

the crib could go right there.

Oh! Who peed on the bathroom floor?

Interestingly enough it was colorful method actor Christopher Walken.

He was here earlier.

What did you do?

What did you do?

Forget it, Ma. Either he doesn't know, or he just won't say.

NAT: Hey, there! Ho, there! Is everybody, uh, decent in here?

Yeah, Nat. Come on in. Hey, Nat.

Hey, Mr. Buchman. Oh, hey, two generations of Mrs. Buchmans.

Hi, Nat. Hey, there, Murray.

Hey, there, Murray Tyler Moore.

I know what you're thinking, Murray.

'Tain't a fit day for man nor beast to go out there,

but I have good news for man and beast today.

I have purchased matching Gore-Tex parkas.

Honey, look! PAUL: That was awfully considerate of you, Nat.

Oh, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you

Murray of the north. Heh?

Is that smart-looking?

That is a very smart outfit.

In terms of the walk, I think you're actually a little bit late.

Late? What do you...

Oh! Oh!

What did you do?

Huh? What did you do?

Murray, if you talk now, they may go easy on you.

Mr. And Mrs. Buchman, I am so sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Nat. No, no, no, please. I will clean it up.

If you don't mind, if I may use this newspaper.

The "arts and leisure," though, I didn't read yet...

I'll skip it now, though.

You know, this dog doesn't look right to me.

I was just saying that.

He looks glazed over like your father

when we saw The English Patient.

He does. You see? I think maybe it's time...

To set him free.

What are you talking about?

Unleash him to walk freely in heavenly pastures.

Put Murray to sleep? Hey, there!

Besides, you're having a baby. Ho, there.

I'm just saying maybe you don't want a dog anymore.

Hey, there. Ho, there. Hippy how how.

Ma, this is Murray. We love Murray.

Oh, yeah, big animal lover.

Do you know that he once flushed a turtle down the toilet

because he was tired of feeding it?

No. I was four years old, Ma.

What we are at four, we are at 40.

Does he look all right to you?

Huh? Oh, yeah, Mrs. Buchman.

He looks right as rain.

Uh, all right, uh, I guess we'll be on our way, then.

Come on, Murray.

Come on, Murray Povich.

Come on, Murray queen of, uh, Scots.

[SNIFFLES]

How could you not be crying?

Strength of character.

Look, can I please help you...

No, Ma. No. We're all done.

I got everything under control.

Coco is here.

Who's Coco? I'm Coco.

I'm leaving.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get that. No, no, no. Coco gets the phone.

Hello. Hey, Paulie.

Hey, hi, Ira.

Paulie, is everything all right? Yeah, it's fine.

How come you're crying?

I'm not crying. I'm making potato pancakes.

and there's onions.

Oh. Listen, Paulie,

Did you forget about the meeting or what?

Oh, the contract! Yeah.

You know what, can you sign for me?

I don't think so, Paulie, no.

You know what, just forge my signature.

The stupid suits, they won't know the difference.

Well, they might. Why?

Well, you know, they're all right here, Paulie,

with me on the speakerphone.

Did they like my little joke?

Listen, I'll call you back, all right?

PAUL: Sweetie, you okay in there? Uh-huh!

Do you think you could bring me my toothbrush, though?

I'll get it! No, no, no. Mom, I got it.

That's Coco's job. Coco's got it. Sorry.

No, no, no. No sorrys. What's the matter?

Nothing. Why are you crying?

Just 'cause I love you so much.

Onions? And that.

Here we go. [BLOWS KISS] Thank you.

And some toothpaste.

Toothpaste, of course.

Toothpaste without toothbrush? Sorry.

No, please.

Very important part of the whole brushing process.

And some water.

Boy, it's like I never brushed my own teeth in my life. Okay.

I'm sorry. Oh, please.

What did Coco say? No sorrys. Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Water and an extra bonus spittoon.

Coco is very good to me.

Hey, you're nice enough to bear Coco's child.

Honey? What's the matter?

What is that smell?

What? What? What is that smell?

What smell? Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, Ma! Hey! Whoa!

Do you not smell half the village is burning?

Suddenly Wolfgang Puck needs help.

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!

JAMIE: Are they ok? Yes. Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I think actually made potato coasters.

I'm sorry.

What did we say? No sorrys.

The next ones will be oh, so potato-licious.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Coco is on the ball here.

Hello. Hello.

Hey, there, Mr. Buchman. Ho, there, Mrs. Buchman.

It's Nat on the line here.

Nat, is everything all right?

Yes, it is.

Um, I did want to tell you one thing, however,

and that is that I have, for his own protection,

I have kidnapped Murray.

If I may.

What are you talking about? What do you mean?

Um, I'll call you back. Call you back. JAMIE: What?

PAUL: What is that? Paul?

Huh? Ho! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hang on! Hang on!

Ho! Hey! Not good. Ho!

Okay. Here we go.

How you enjoying the day so far?

Our dog has been kidnapped.

Honey, it's Nat, you know?

It's not the Symbionese Liberation Army.

I want my dog back.

Okay, okay, okay, come on.

No stress, no distractions, no nothing.

Can you get me some water?

Okay.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Hello.

Hey, there, Mrs. Buchman. It's Nat here.

Nat. Thank God.

So, how are you?

I'm fine, Nat.

Would you bring our dog back right now, please?

I'd like to do that, Mrs. Buchman. I truly would,

but unfortunately, I cannot,

and beyond that I will not

until certain demands are regretfully met.

What do you mean? What kind of demands?

Um, I'll call you back.

No, no, no. Why do you have to keep calling us back?

Come on, Mr. Buchman, everybody knows

you keep me on the phone line

for greater than 60 seconds, you can trace the call.

Nat, we don't have to trace the call.

We know you're calling from your apartment.

How...

How you know that?

Nat, I have your number,

and if you hang up, I'm just going to call you back.

Fine. It won't do you any good. Why not?

'Cause I'm not here... There. Damn!

Nat, listen to me.

I'm sorry. 60 seconds. I'll call you back.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, boy.

Of all the days to get your dog kidnapped.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hey, there. Nat here.

Nat, it's Paul. Oh! Oh!

He's just going to keep hanging up, isn't he?

Will you get me a tissue?

Yeah. I'll get you a tissue.

Boy, I guess the whole polite phase, that's over, huh?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Nat, please. What do we have to do to get Murray back?

Huh? Hello?

May I please speak to Sylvia Buchman?

JAMIE: Uh, Burt? Who is this?

She'll call you back. Okay. I'm at...

[JAMIE HANGS UP]

Tissues. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

Burt, she'll call you back.

Oh. All right, then. Bye-bye.

Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat! Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat!

Oh, all right, um, well, here are my demands, then,

Mr. And Mrs. Buchman.

Um, you got a writing implement there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pencil, pencil, pencil. [WHISTLES]

You're taking to this asking for things like a fish to water.

Okay, go ahead.

Of course, if this were Dog Day Afternoon

or Three Days of the Condor,

I would be demanding such items as a chopper to the airport.

Nat, what are your demands?

Well, um... Oh! I'll call you back.

No, no, no! Nat! Nat!

What is this now? We're just snapping?

What? [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it? MAN: Wicker.

Come in! Mr. Wicker, thank God.

It is so cold.

Sorry about the pipes.

What's that smell, horses?

Oy, oy, ooh, oy!

Okay, that doesn't sound good at all.

You got a major problem here. Can I use your phone?

No, no, no. Paul, cell phone.

Cell phone!

You know, you wouldn't know it to look at her,

but my wife only recently

had a problem asking people to do things for her.

I wouldn't know. Yes.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] BOTH: Who is it?

BURT: It's Burt. Burt Buchman.

Paul's father.

Sylvia, Burt called.

Dad, what are you doing? Come in.

Nobody called me back. It's my fault.

What do I smell, tires?

You take this end here and go back in there.

Good news. The Spehr brothers plumbers are on their way.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Who is it?

Lisa! Come in!

Okay. You know this plant you gave me for Christmas?

Died.

Already? What'd you do, strangle it?

You're going to have to return it.

Lisa, this is really not the best time.

What are you still doing in bed?

Joan's orders. I got to stay in bed for a couple of days.

Oh, you're sick?

Let's play Yahtzee. No, no, no.

No Yahtzee. No Yahtzee.

It causes stress and is very loud.

Oh, you just don't know how to play.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Who's that?

Debbie. Come in.

Debbie, come in.

I know I'm not supposed to be here. Ma.

I'm so excited I couldn't help myself.

You know that gift I was having made for Joan's birthday?

Uh-huh. I have to show you this.

It's a charm bracelet

with all of the medical instruments on it.

Oh. All right, Deb, that's enough.

You never saw it. Hey, you want to play Yahtzee?

Yahtzee? Ooh!

What have we got here, a 42-foot crib is going in here? What's happening?

How long is that? BURT: 11 feet.

Good. [YELLING]

BURT: Ooh! You okay?

Why did you stand there?

Why didn't you move when you saw it coming?

It was like a bullet.

You have any Band-Aids? Yeah, yeah, right in there.

Debbie, they're in the nightstand.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Who is it?

MAN: Spehr brothers. WICKER: Come on in.

The Spehr brothers. Wow. That was fast.

We were right down the hall.

All right, then, it was slow, actually.

WICKER: Right over here.

Boy, guys, it's nice to see you.

It has been so cold in here.

Yahtzee! [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it? Hey, Paulie, it's Ira!

Ira? Yeah. Can I come in?

At this point, what the hell is the difference?

Paulie, I would like you to meet Rauschling and Partners.

Huh? Suits. Suits.

Well, uh, you know, it's not the best time. I'm a little busy,

and I'm sorry I made fun of your suits before.

As you see, who am I to talk? You know what I'm saying?

Give me a minute...

Say hello to my parents, Burt and Sylvia Buchman.

How do you do? My hand.

You'll be fine. Just have a seat there. You'll be fine.

You know how many apartments we did today already? 105.

I can imagine.

How you doing?

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Who's that?

NAT: It's Nat. Nat, please!

Nat, come in. Absolutely, come in.

Hello. Whoa. Jeez, who are all these people?

We don't know.

You setting me up, Mr. Buchman?

No, we're not setting you up.

Nat, where's Murray? Don't worry about Murray, please.

He's being kept in a safe place

till our transaction here is complete.

I made up a list of demands here.

If you'd be good enough to review it

And, please, to sign it.

Nat, I trust you. I'm sure there's no reason to read it.

With all due respect, Mr. Buchman,

I put a lot of work into the document, so...

A list of demands, honey. "We agree not to put Murray to sleep

"no matter how old he gets."

No problem with that.

"We agree to continue to love Murray,

"no matter how many children we may have."

I mean, like, two or five.

Whatever. Yes, we love Murray.

"We solemnly pledge to brush his teeth

"by hand once a week."

The dog does not need... Okay, okay! I'll brush his teeth.

I'll brush his teeth. Fine.

We got a deal, then, huh?

Yes, we have a deal.

Okay. Can we have Murray? Where is Murray?

[WHISTLES]

PAUL: Oh, here... All right.

I got some more great news.

The Spehr brothers have done it again. We have heat.

Oh, hallelujah. Thank you, gentlemen. You're brilliant.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Oh, my God. Hey.

[LOUDLY] Hey! Hey, there. Ho, there. Hippy how how.

Oh, my God!

This is not what it looks like. I know that.

Paul, Paul, do you know what all this is?

This is entirely my fault? Bingo.

LISA: Yahtzee!

She didn't mean bingo. Take care of this. Do your job.

You're going to have to leave. Do your job, Paul.

I'm trying to do my job.

You really all have to get going.

Paul, do your job.

[SHOUTING] Everybody out! Let's go!

We don't need a crib for months.

It's never too soon to think about cribs.

Okay, Pop, you're going to be fine.

I used your last Band-Aid.

That's okay. You gotta go.

Let's go. Rauschlings, where do I sign?

Right here. Right here.

Okay. We're signing. Thank you very much.

Show them the door. I can stay.

No, you really can't. Goodbye. Thanks for coming.

Good luck to your whole nation. Thank you very much.

Plumbers, terrific. Very much enjoying the heat.

You should think about doing a film about plumbers.

I will do that someday.

Mr. Wicker, you're my hero.

I'll see you next summer. Yes, of course.

Debbie, I can't believe you're here.

Does anyone listen to me?

I couldn't help myself.

Why don't you go home and think about

what you've done wrong, young lady, okay?

Lisa! Go! Yes? No!

Yes, go! Take the Yahtzee. Go! Go! Go! Go!

Nat, you're a wonderful man,

but it's time to play You Bet Your Life.

Sorry I had to resort to a capital crime

to make my point here, Mr. Buchman.

You know what, we appreciate it. It's no problem.

In fact, would you mind taking him for the rest of the day?

Would I? Come on, Murray Osmond.

Come on, RoseMurray's Baby.

Very good, Paul. I am very proud of you.

Well, I'm not done. You! Out!

I came to check on Jamie.

Well, Jamie's fine, isn't she? Out! Out! Out!

I'll be back after he's over his little power trip.

I'll bet.

See? Coco has done his job.

Man, I'm hungry.

All right, now, Murray, believe me.

I am not looking forward to this

any more than you are.

You don't want to have your teeth brushed,

I don't want to be brushing them,

but I am legally bound to brush these teeth.

Now, let me just give you the rundown.

This is the brush. I'll be coming at you.

I'll be putting a little of this toothpaste

onto the brush. Here's what you're going to see.

You're going to see a side, side, side, up, down, up, down.

All right. Up, down, up, down... Murray.

Side, side, side.

Now, I'm doing just the teeth that show, all right?

There's no point, and Nat's never going to see

the ones in the back, all right?

So just the ones that show.

All right? Now...

I'm going to ask you one time and one time only.

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

I'm going to try.