Original subtitles

PAUL: You got to see this. You are not going to believe it.

[REWINDING]

Now, my brother Arnold,

he's the funny brother.

He's not that funny.

[LAUGHING] For some reason,

he's always speaking in an Irish accent.

[IRISH ACCENT] Truth is...

I've always wanted to be Irish.

It's incredibly irritating.

I've always had a special place in me heart

for the Irish.

Then you have Burt's Uncle Marty.

He had a series of troubled blouse companies.

But that's not my greatest regret.

We used to say if they ever wrote Marty's life story,

they'd start with chapter 11.

My greatest regret is... Oh! Ohh...

Hoo...moos...

PAUL: There it is. There it is. Did you see that?

Hoo...moos...

[CRASH]

And that was it.

Doctor said before he hit the floor,

he, uh...he, uh...

Boy, it's just hard to find

a really good way to say it.

He... He, uh...

Passed on. Passed away, yeah.

Pass... Passed over.

He, uh, pass... Passed...

He passed out for a long time.

"Beloved uncle of Burt and Arnold

who yesterday tragically moved on."

Moved forth. Moved over.

You see what I'm saying?

"In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made

to the international ladies' garment workers union."

All right. All right, so we'll see you there?

Ok, we'll look for that tomorrow.

Okay. All right. So, that's the Bermans.

And that's The Times.

[SIGHS] Good.

I have to say, I like that we're doing this.

Oh, I've never had more fun in my life.

I mean, I like that it's us doing it.

A very close relative has just...

You know, he's... Whatever...

Done a very unpleasant thing? Yes. Thank you.

The family has just been reminded

of how fragile life is.

And who are they turning to? Us. I feel very proud of that.

It's just so weird, you know?

I... I just keep hearing Marty's last words in my head, over and over.

Hoo moos? Hoo moos.

What... what could that possibly mean?

I don't know.

Hoo moos... Hoo moos...

Hoo moos...

Hummus?

Hummus, the food?

Yeah.

That's what you think he's thinking about?

The moment of his reckoning, he's thinking about chickpeas?

Maybe.

You're a very simple girl.

You call Uncle Harold?

Harold? No, there was no answer.

Did you leave a message? No machine.

How can he not have a machine?

'Cause he doesn't understand how they work.

You see how he is with our machine.

He talks to it like, you know, it's a person.

"Tell Paul to call me back,"

like it's a butler.

Here. Try Charlotte next.

I just... He...

Marty said it was his great regret, hoo moos.

So I... I just think that may be something very important.

It may be.

I'd love to find out what.

"A"... for my own curiosity, but "B"... for the film.

You know, I mean...

"Hoo moos" could be to Buchman

like "rosebud" To Citizen Kane.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Queens, please,

for the Gates of Damascus cemetery?

Uh, Charlotte? Hi. Cousin Paul.

Hi. Good. Um...listen,

you remember Marty, Uncle Marty?

Uh...uh-huh.

Okay, here's the thing...

He, uh, he... He's not so much alive anymore.

JAMIE: Uncle Marty sure had a lot of suits.

I got nothing here. Not even the slightest hoo moos clue.

[IRISH ACCENT] You know,

They say that just before you die,

you revert to a wee nigh nipper.

What?

A small, cute fellow.

Oh. So?

Maybe Marty was repeating

the childhood lesson about farm animals

when he said "hoo moos."

Who moos?

Why, the cow moos.

Boy, I don't know, Uncle Arnie.

That seems like a bit of a reach for me.

I think "hoo moos" Is a philosophical question.

What do you mean, it was a philosophical question?

Well, I think Marty knew that he was about to die,

and he wanted some answers, like...

"Who moose?" As in...

"Who is the moose?" As in...

"Who is the big mammal?" Or,

"the big being," as in,

"Who is God?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hoo moos" is "Who is God?"

It's better than "the cow moos."

Not much. JAMIE: You know what...

It's not God.

What?

It's not God, hoo moos,

and it's no damn cow.

You want to know what hoo moos is?

I'll tell you what it is.

Wait a second. You know what hoo moos is?

Yes. "Hoo moos" is actually "Hey Miss."

A blouse company that Marty and I had briefly in the 40s.

Oh... We were in very bad shape,

and Marty accused me of skimming,

which, of course, I did not.

We had a terrible fight,

and he never forgave me.

When he said, "hoo moos," I'm sure

he's lashing out at me one last time.

Wow. I don't believe it.

ARNOLD: Ohh...

[MUTTERS IRISH EXPRESSION]

What did he say?

"Ohh...my goodness."

Well, if Marty said you were skimmin',

I have no doubt that you were.

I was not skimming!

I would not skim! Skimmer!

Me brother is a skimmer!

I would not skim! Marty had it all wrong.

If you don't believe me, ask Miriam Sass.

Who's Miriam Sass?

Our bookkeeper from the old days.

In January of 1945, the last month of the company,

Hey Miss did 98 dozen units, which is to say...

[SPITS] Ptooey!

So then, what you're saying is Burt was not skimming.

Skimming from what?

You gotta have something to skim from something..

So "Hoo moos" Could not have been "Hey Miss."

[CHUCKLES] No.

It was Hugh Moss.

I'm sorry, it was who?

Hugh Moss.

He was a supplier of Burt's and Marty's

who had a very racy extramarital affair with someone Marty knew.

Marty never said a word,

but it always weighed heavily on him.

When he said "Hoo moos,"

I'm sure he was trying to unburden himself.

This is great. You gotta tell me, who was the woman?

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter? What, are you kidding me?

It would be indiscreet to say.

Mrs. Sass, come on.

I'm begging you.

All right.

It was your mother.

I'm sorry?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

First of all,

let me say that I am deeply sorry

to hear of your uncle Milton's passing.

Marty.

I'm sorry?

It's Marty.

It's Marty, not Milton.

I'm deeply sorry. I had a Milton this morning.

I must have transposed the names.

It's all right. Sylvia. SYLVIA: It's not all right.

He doesn't know the man's name,

he's delivering the eulogy.

He will. He's just trying to familiarize himself...

This is why I wanted to maintain an affiliation.

It was too expensive. And we never went.

Too expensive for a skimmer like you?

Why don't you shut up?

Okay, guys.

Very sorry.

It's quite all right.

Paulie, did you talk to Miriam?

Uh...pop, we're...

Well, did you? Yeah. Yes, I did.

So?

Uh, we'll talk about it later, okay?

Now, if you can just give me a sense of Marty's life,

I assure you from the bottom of my heart,

Mrs. Butterman, that I, for one...

Buchman.

Sorry?

It's Buchman.

Mrs. Buchman. Sylvia Buchman.

I'm deeply sorry.

This is ridiculous.

Mom... He doesn't know anyone's name.

You ought to know somebody's name.

We are bereaved, for crying out loud.

I want to know what Miriam said. ARNOLD: Me, too!

She-she said-she said you were not skimming

and Marty knew that you were not skimming.

There, you see? You see, Arnold? You see?

You troll, you.

PAUL: All right.

She said "hoo moos" was something else entirely.

Well, what did she say it was?

Uh, that's not important.

Ok, we'll talk about it later...

I'd like to hear it, too,

otherwise how can we be sure Burt's innocent?

Oh.

Okay. Hugh Moss.

That's what she said.

Hugh Moss.

Hugh Moss, the supplier?

Yes.

Why was Marty thinking of Hugh Moss

at the moment of his death?

Well, you know, who... who knows, really?

It wasn't my fault.

I beg your pardon?

It was during the war.

You were overseas bombing our enemies.

I was lonely. I used to hang around the office

because it reminded me of you.

And one day this man, this Hugh Moss, came in.

He was very solicitous, and I was very weak.

I couldn't resist.

Couldn't resist what?

I...

I flirted with him. [GASPS]

What?

I flirted with him shamelessly.

I giggled with him. I made eyes at him.

And I think I even said a double entendre.

What?

Marty came in and he caught us.

I begged him not to say anything,

and to his credit, he never said anything

until the end of his life.

Why he couldn't keep his mouth shut

for another eight seconds,

I'll never understand.

Come on, Sylvia. Who do you think you're talking to?

What is that supposed to mean?

Everyone knows you and Hugh Moss

did more than just flirt.

I beg your pardon?

You heard me.

Well, this is ridiculous, of course.

Look, Sylvia, I don't like to speak ill of anyone,

especially to their face,

but chastity was never your long suit.

Oh!

So what exactly would you call speaking ill?

Aunt Blossom, please.

I'm sorry. I'm an honest woman.

You're a nasty woman. That's what you are.

And you have a low center of gravity.

Is it true, Sylvia?

Of course it's true. I didn't ask you!

Why would a man bother himself on his deathbed

with a mere flirtation?

We never had an affair.

And if you don't believe me, ask Hugh Moss.

All right, then.

Really sorry for this outburst.

JAMIE: Now, um...

What can we tell you that will give you a sense of Marty's life?

I think I've got enough.

First of all,

I never sleep with a customer's wife.

And second, no offense,

but she was a tremendous pain in the ass.

But you're saying, then,

that "hoo moos" could not have been Hugh Moss.

That's right.

In fact, I happen to know what "hoo moos" is.

You do?

What?

Marty, may he rest in peace,

had a nephew, Arnold. You know him?

Sure, Arnold. Uncle Arnold, yeah.

He speaks with the Irish accent.

That's the guy.

Why does he do that?

Nobody knows.

Anyway, Arnold's son, David told Marty...

May he rest in peace,

that he was gay

and very much in love with another young man,

Jared.

Jared. Marty,

may he rest in peace,

outwardly accepted the news.

But he was a man of the old school,

and he had certain prejudices.

When he died, I'm sure he was trying

to express his disapproval of the boys.

"Homos," Marty was saying.

Marty was saying "homos."

May he rest in peace.

I say we put him right here, next to Aunt Lilly.

No, no. He goes right here next to Uncle Jules.

You can't put Marty next to Jules!

It's not a dinner.

Guys, hello. Tomorrow is the funeral. We gotta put him somewhere.

If I may, why don't we put Marty here and Lilly here?

Or maybe just go with Uncle Jules to block.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're not helping.

I'm not hindering.

So... so, Paulie, did you get a chance to talk to Hugh Moss?

Oh, I spoke to Hugh Moss. You're absolved.

Sure.

Did he say what Hoo Moos was?

Uh...yeah, but why don't...

Why don't you both stop, ok, for heaven's sakes?

I'll tell you, but you gotta keep this between you and me...

Why can't we have just one blessed moment's peace and quiet?

Hoo moos was about David.

[SUDDEN SILENCE]

Oh, that's just so unlucky.

All right, Paul, uh,

what did he say "hoo moos" was?

He said, possibly,

he thought that "hoo moos", maybe, was, uh,

a reference, uh,

to... to maybe you and a guy named Jared.

"Homos"?

Yes, but I think he meant it in a good sense.

What do you mean, homos? Who's Jared?

Okay.

Mom, Dad.

This isn't exactly the way I planned on telling you,

but what the hell.

I'm gay.

I'm gay and I'm thrilled to be gay.

Oh, my God.

[IRISH ACCENT] My son's a clover boy!

I think that's a really bad...

I know what he meant.

Marty was always very nice to us.

Very approving.

Once... In an unguarded moment,

he even told me I had pretty eyes.

Really?

Okay.

So... All right, so then,

in your opinion,

"hoo moos" couldn't really have been "homos," could it?

Oh, absolutely not. No.

Jeez...

Do you...

What do you think it was?

[INHALES]

[EXHALES]

I really have no idea.

No idea. Okay. Okay.

Just thought I'd ask.

I'm just totally... totally stymied.

I'm at a complete "hoo moos" dead end.

Your entire family's ruined.

You can take some solace in that.

Hey, look what I found... a muffin.

Where did you get that?

The funeral next door.

It's unbelievable. They got a guy making omelets.

[HUMS]

Uh, hi.

Hi. Hi.

So is everything clear for the eulogy?

Yes, Joanie, clear as a bell.

Okay.

Oh, God, did you ever call Uncle Harold?

Oh, God. Uncle Harold.

Uncle Harold, I am so sorry.

And who are you?

What do you mean, who am I? Uncle Harold...

Who is this person?

What do you mean, who is this person?

It's your nephew... Paul.

Tell this person I have no nephew Paul.

Um... Tell him!

Uncle Harold says he has no nephew Paul.

Uncle Harold, if you'd just let me explain. What happened was...

Would you tell this person who's trying to talk to me

that if I did have a nephew Paul,

he would have called me

and told me about the death of a dear one,

instead of leaving me like a dog

to read it in the newspaper.

Uncle Harold says if he did have a nephew...

I heard the whole thing.

Look, Uncle Harold, what happened was...

Who are you? Okay. All right.

EULOGIZER: Will you take your seats, please?

The world is poorer today

for having lost Marty Blechman.

Buchman.

[SOFTLY] It's Buchman.

Buchman.

I am poorer,

you, his friends, are poorer,

his loving family is poorer.

Let me introduce them.

Oh, my God.

His nephew, Bill.

JAMIE: Burt. Burt.

His nephew Eaemon. Arnold.

Arnold.

And their wives,

Celia and Rose. JAMIE: Sylvia

and Blossom Blossom and Sylvia.

And their children...

Pete, Janice, Arthur,

Sheila, Darcy, and Douglas.

What a man he was.

What a life.

It's hard to know where to begin with such a life.

Perhaps with the two words that summed up his life.

Hoo moos.

Now, I don't know what they mean.

But I'm sure they were important.

They were the last words the man ever spoke.

They must mean something, right? [CHUCKLES]

But I guess,

like so many things in life,

they will forever remain a mystery.

You know...

I'm reminded today of the lustful Jezebel.

Pardon me.

Marty's last words were "hoo moos"?

Yes, Uncle Harold, they were.

You know what "hoo moos" is?

Who are you?

If I may?

Yes. It's all yours, Henry.

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

August 1933.

The place, Camp Tiki-Huni.

Two young boys,

Marty and Harold,

are playing bow and arrow in the woods.

They get separated.

It's getting dark.

They get scared.

So, Harold calls out to Marty

by his nickname.

"Moose."

And Marty says, "Who?"

Then Harold said, "Moose."

And Marty said, "Who?"

Now it's getting darker,

and we're both getting scareder.

Something moves in the bushes.

Marty draws his bow and lets the arrow fly.

And the arrow flies straight into my...

You should excuse the expression,

my... Right here.

[WHISTLES]

Marty never forgave himself.

If you notice, throughout his life,

he never ate a speared hors d'oeuvre.

He never ate a shish kebab.

In fact, he never ate with a fork.

Because to hurt a family member

was to Marty, anathema.

Yes, anathema.

That means no good.

Now, I've heard rumors that are going around

about certain things happening in this family...

the bickering, the fighting, the backbiting,

the squabbling.

What Marty said. Marty said this, Marty said that,

Marty bippy, Marty bippy, kicky, kacky, kooky,

pishky, poppy, kicky, kacky, kooky.

Blegh-heh!

Enough!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

He loved you.

He really, really loved you.

And when I remember Marty,

which is every time I sit down...

[WHISTLES]

I remember those last words.

"Who? Moose!"

So long, Moose.

[SIGHS] Wow.

I can only add

that insertion will be at the Gates of Damascus cemetery

in Forest Hills, New York.

And then all are invited back

to Phil and Judy's.

Drive safely.

Uncle Harold, I remember Aunt Lilly calling him Moose.

And I remember that he never ate anything with a toothpick.

Ate with his fingers. Ah.

I always wondered about the limp. Well, now you know.

Harold, thank you.

Oh, pleasure. Come on, you two get together.

Burt, I... I'm sorry I thought ill of you.

I'm sorry I wanted to kill you.

That's good. Okay. Now you two. Come on.

I'm sorry I implied you were a whore.

Good enough.

Listen... listen,

I'm sorry if I put you guys in an awkward position.

No, that's... that's okay.

It was for the best.

Uncle Harold, may I just say, that was beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Jamie. It was really beautiful,

and I want to say again, the only reason I couldn't...

Give me a kiss.

It's a was.

It's over.

This is what I'm saying.

Any food?

Right this way, Uncle Harold.

I'm hungry. Let's go and eat.

Wow.

You know, honey, I don't know.

What?

I don't know if "hoo moos"

is what Uncle Harold said it was.

What are you talking about?

Come on. A minor injury from 400 years ago?

This is what a man thinks of as he dies?

Why not?

Okay.

What are you... It's perfect for the movie.

That's true. And the family is finally at peace again.

All right. So what are you questioning it for?

Nothing. All right.

Come on. I'll buy you an omelet.

Okay. I'll meet you there. All right.

"Hoo moos."

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Jezebel had a wonderful rapport with God,

whom I'm sure you'll all remember from last week's sermon.

Jezebel, the Bible tells us,

lusted after everything that passed by her doorstep.

So God said, "No, Jezebel,

for lusting so, you shall be punished."

And God devised a great punishment.

He took a fly,

a, a bzz-bzz fly,

and he put the fly into her ear.

From her ear it went into her head,

and anytime that Jezebel lusted after anything,

that fly buzzed around.

But Jezebel liked it.

Jezebel had a wonderful rapport with God,

whom I'm sure you'll all remember from last week's sermon.

Jezebel, the Bible tells us,

lusted after everything that pass-ed by her doorstep.

So God said, "No, Jezebel,

for lusting so, you shall be punished."

And God devised a great punishment.

He took a fly,

a... a bzz-bzz fly,

and he put the fly into her ear.

From her ear it went into her head,

and anytime that Jezebel lusted after anything,

that fly buzzed around.

But Jezebel liked it.