All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E15 - Citizen Buchman-ing

PAUL:
You got to see this. You are
not going to believe it.

[REWINDING]

Now, my brother Arnold,

he's the funny brother.

He's not that funny.

[LAUGHING] For some reason,

he's always speaking in an Irish accent.

[IRISH ACCENT] Truth is...

I've always wanted to be Irish.

It's incredibly
irritating.

I've always had a special place in me heart

for the Irish.

Then you have
Burt's Uncle Marty.

He had a series of troubled blouse companies.

But that's not
my greatest regret.

We used to say
if they ever wrote
Marty's life story,

they'd start
with chapter 11.

My greatest regret
is... Oh! Ohh...

Hoo...moos...

PAUL: There it is.
There it is.
Did you see that?

Hoo...moos...

[CRASH]

And that was it.

Doctor said
before he hit the floor,

he, uh...he, uh...

Boy, it's just
hard to find

a really good
way to say it.

He... He, uh...

Passed on.
Passed away, yeah.

Pass... Passed over.

He, uh, pass...
Passed...

He passed out
for a long time.

"Beloved uncle
of Burt and Arnold

who yesterday
tragically moved on."

Moved forth.
Moved over.

You see
what I'm saying?

"In lieu of flowers,
contributions may be made

to the international ladies'
garment workers union."

All right. All right, so
we'll see you there?

Ok, we'll look
for that tomorrow.

Okay. All right. So,
that's the Bermans.

And that's The Times.

[SIGHS] Good.

I have to say, I like
that we're doing this.

Oh, I've never had
more fun in my life.

I mean, I like that
it's us doing it.

A very close
relative has just...

You know,
he's... Whatever...

Done a very
unpleasant thing?
Yes. Thank you.

The family has
just been reminded

of how fragile
life is.

And who are they
turning to? Us. I feel
very proud of that.

It's just so weird,
you know?

I... I just keep hearing
Marty's last words
in my head, over and over.

Hoo moos?
Hoo moos.

What... what could
that possibly mean?

I don't know.

Hoo moos...
Hoo moos...

Hoo moos...

Hummus?

Hummus, the food?

Yeah.

That's what you think
he's thinking about?

The moment of his reckoning,
he's thinking
about chickpeas?

Maybe.

You're a very
simple girl.

You call
Uncle Harold?

Harold? No,
there was no answer.

Did you leave
a message?
No machine.

How can he not
have a machine?

'Cause he doesn't
understand how they work.

You see how he is
with our machine.

He talks to it
like, you know, it's a person.

"Tell Paul to
call me back,"

like it's a butler.

Here.
Try Charlotte next.

I just... He...

Marty said it was
his great regret,
hoo moos.

So I... I just think
that may be something
very important.

It may be.

I'd love to
find out what.

"A"... for my own
curiosity, but
"B"... for the film.

You know, I mean...

"Hoo moos"
could be to Buchman

like "rosebud"
To Citizen Kane.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Queens, please,

for the Gates of
Damascus cemetery?

Uh, Charlotte?
Hi. Cousin Paul.

Hi. Good.
Um...listen,

you remember Marty,
Uncle Marty?

Uh...uh-huh.

Okay, here's the thing...

He, uh, he... He's not
so much alive anymore.

JAMIE: Uncle
Marty sure had
a lot of suits.

I got nothing here.
Not even the slightest
hoo moos clue.

[IRISH ACCENT]
You know,

They say that just
before you die,

you revert
to a wee nigh nipper.

What?

A small,
cute fellow.

Oh. So?

Maybe Marty
was repeating

the childhood lesson
about farm animals

when he said "hoo moos."

Who moos?

Why, the cow moos.

Boy, I don't know,
Uncle Arnie.

That seems like a bit
of a reach for me.

I think "hoo moos"
Is a philosophical
question.

What do you mean, it was
a philosophical question?

Well, I think Marty
knew that he was
about to die,

and he wanted
some answers,
like...

"Who moose?"
As in...

"Who is the moose?"
As in...

"Who is
the big mammal?"
Or,

"the big being,"
as in,

"Who is God?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hoo moos" is
"Who is God?"

It's better than
"the cow moos."

Not much.
JAMIE: You know what...

It's not God.

What?

It's not God,
hoo moos,

and it's
no damn cow.

You want to know
what hoo moos is?

I'll tell you
what it is.

Wait a second.
You know what
hoo moos is?

Yes. "Hoo moos" is
actually "Hey Miss."

A blouse company that
Marty and I had
briefly in the 40s.

Oh...
We were
in very bad shape,

and Marty accused
me of skimming,

which, of course,
I did not.

We had
a terrible fight,

and he never
forgave me.

When he said,
"hoo moos," I'm sure

he's lashing out
at me one last time.

Wow.
I don't
believe it.

ARNOLD: Ohh...

[MUTTERS IRISH
EXPRESSION]

What did he say?

"Ohh...my goodness."

Well, if Marty said
you were skimmin',

I have no doubt
that you were.

I was not skimming!

I would not skim!
Skimmer!

Me brother
is a skimmer!

I would not skim!
Marty had it all wrong.

If you don't
believe me,
ask Miriam Sass.

Who's Miriam Sass?

Our bookkeeper
from the old days.

In January of 1945,
the last month of the company,

Hey Miss did 98 dozen units,
which is to say...

[SPITS] Ptooey!

So then, what you're saying
is Burt was not skimming.

Skimming from what?

You gotta have something
to skim from something..

So "Hoo moos"
Could not have been
"Hey Miss."

[CHUCKLES] No.

It was Hugh Moss.

I'm sorry,
it was who?

Hugh Moss.

He was a supplier
of Burt's and Marty's

who had a very racy
extramarital affair
with someone Marty knew.

Marty never said a word,

but it always weighed
heavily on him.

When he said "Hoo moos,"

I'm sure he was trying
to unburden himself.

This is great.
You gotta tell me,
who was the woman?

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?
What, are you
kidding me?

It would be indiscreet
to say.

Mrs. Sass, come on.

I'm begging you.

All right.

It was your mother.

I'm sorry?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

First of all,

let me say that
I am deeply sorry

to hear of your
uncle Milton's passing.

Marty.

I'm sorry?

It's Marty.

It's Marty,
not Milton.

I'm deeply sorry.
I had a Milton
this morning.

I must have
transposed the names.

It's all right. Sylvia.
SYLVIA:
It's not all right.

He doesn't know
the man's name,

he's delivering the eulogy.

He will. He's just
trying to familiarize
himself...

This is why I wanted
to maintain an affiliation.

It was too expensive.
And we never went.

Too expensive
for a skimmer
like you?

Why don't you
shut up?

Okay, guys.

Very sorry.

It's quite all right.

Paulie, did you
talk to Miriam?

Uh...pop, we're...

Well, did you?
Yeah. Yes, I did.

So?

Uh, we'll talk about it
later, okay?

Now, if you can just
give me a sense
of Marty's life,

I assure you from
the bottom of my heart,

Mrs. Butterman,
that I, for one...

Buchman.

Sorry?

It's Buchman.

Mrs. Buchman.
Sylvia Buchman.

I'm deeply sorry.

This is ridiculous.

Mom...
He doesn't know
anyone's name.

You ought to know
somebody's name.

We are bereaved,
for crying out loud.

I want to know
what Miriam said.
ARNOLD: Me, too!

She-she said-she said
you were not skimming

and Marty knew that
you were not skimming.

There, you see?
You see, Arnold?
You see?

You troll, you.

PAUL:
All right.

She said "hoo moos"
was something else
entirely.

Well, what did
she say it was?

Uh, that's not important.

Ok, we'll talk
about it later...

I'd like to hear it, too,

otherwise how can we
be sure Burt's innocent?

Oh.

Okay. Hugh Moss.

That's what she said.

Hugh Moss.

Hugh Moss,
the supplier?

Yes.

Why was Marty
thinking
of Hugh Moss

at the moment
of his death?

Well, you know,
who... who knows,
really?

It wasn't my fault.

I beg your pardon?

It was during the war.

You were overseas
bombing our enemies.

I was lonely.
I used to hang
around the office

because it reminded
me of you.

And one day this man,
this Hugh Moss, came in.

He was very solicitous,
and I was very weak.

I couldn't resist.

Couldn't resist what?

I...

I flirted with him.
[GASPS]

What?

I flirted with him
shamelessly.

I giggled with him.
I made eyes at him.

And I think
I even said
a double entendre.

What?

Marty came in
and he caught us.

I begged him
not to say anything,

and to his credit,
he never said anything

until the end
of his life.

Why he couldn't
keep his mouth shut

for another
eight seconds,

I'll never understand.

Come on, Sylvia.
Who do you think
you're talking to?

What is that
supposed to mean?

Everyone knows
you and Hugh Moss

did more
than just flirt.

I beg your pardon?

You heard me.

Well, this is ridiculous,
of course.

Look, Sylvia, I don't
like to speak ill
of anyone,

especially
to their face,

but chastity was
never your long suit.

Oh!

So what exactly
would you call
speaking ill?

Aunt Blossom,
please.

I'm sorry.
I'm an honest woman.

You're a nasty woman.
That's what you are.

And you have
a low center of gravity.

Is it true, Sylvia?

Of course it's true.
I didn't ask you!

Why would a man
bother himself
on his deathbed

with a mere flirtation?

We never had an affair.

And if you don't
believe me,
ask Hugh Moss.

All right, then.

Really sorry
for this outburst.

JAMIE: Now, um...

What can we tell you
that will give you
a sense of Marty's life?

I think I've got enough.

First of all,

I never sleep with a customer's wife.

And second, no offense,

but she was a tremendous
pain in the ass.

But you're saying, then,

that "hoo moos"
could not have been
Hugh Moss.

That's right.

In fact, I happen to know
what "hoo moos" is.

You do?

What?

Marty, may he
rest in peace,

had a nephew, Arnold.
You know him?

Sure, Arnold.
Uncle Arnold, yeah.

He speaks with
the Irish accent.

That's the guy.

Why does he do that?

Nobody knows.

Anyway,
Arnold's son, David
told Marty...

May he rest in peace,

that he was gay

and very much in love
with another young man,

Jared.

Jared. Marty,

may he rest in peace,

outwardly accepted the news.

But he was a man
of the old school,

and he had certain
prejudices.

When he died,
I'm sure he was trying

to express his disapproval
of the boys.

"Homos," Marty was saying.

Marty was saying "homos."

May he rest in peace.

I say we put him
right here,
next to Aunt Lilly.

No, no. He goes
right here
next to Uncle Jules.

You can't put Marty
next to Jules!

It's not a dinner.

Guys, hello.
Tomorrow is the funeral.
We gotta put him somewhere.

If I may, why don't
we put Marty here
and Lilly here?

Or maybe just go
with Uncle Jules
to block.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're not helping.

I'm not hindering.

So... so, Paulie,
did you get a chance
to talk to Hugh Moss?

Oh, I spoke
to Hugh Moss.
You're absolved.

Sure.

Did he say
what Hoo Moos was?

Uh...yeah,
but why don't...

Why don't you both stop,
ok, for heaven's sakes?

I'll tell you,
but you gotta keep this
between you and me...

Why can't we have
just one blessed moment's
peace and quiet?

Hoo moos was
about David.

[SUDDEN SILENCE]

Oh, that's just so unlucky.

All right, Paul, uh,

what did he say
"hoo moos" was?

He said, possibly,

he thought that
"hoo moos", maybe,
was, uh,

a reference, uh,

to... to maybe you
and a guy named Jared.

"Homos"?

Yes, but I think
he meant it
in a good sense.

What do you mean,
homos?
Who's Jared?

Okay.

Mom, Dad.

This isn't exactly
the way I planned
on telling you,

but what the hell.

I'm gay.

I'm gay
and I'm thrilled
to be gay.

Oh, my God.

[IRISH ACCENT]
My son's
a clover boy!

I think that's
a really bad...

I know what he meant.

Marty was always
very nice to us.

Very approving.

Once...
In an unguarded moment,

he even told me
I had pretty eyes.

Really?

Okay.

So... All right,
so then,

in your opinion,

"hoo moos" couldn't
really have been
"homos," could it?

Oh, absolutely not.
No.

Jeez...

Do you...

What do you think
it was?

[INHALES]

[EXHALES]

I really have no idea.

No idea. Okay. Okay.

Just thought I'd ask.

I'm just totally...
totally stymied.

I'm at a complete
"hoo moos" dead end.

Your entire
family's ruined.

You can take some
solace in that.

Hey, look what I found...
a muffin.

Where did you get that?

The funeral next door.

It's unbelievable.
They got a guy
making omelets.

[HUMS]

Uh, hi.

Hi.
Hi.

So is everything clear
for the eulogy?

Yes, Joanie,
clear as a bell.

Okay.

Oh, God, did you
ever call
Uncle Harold?

Oh, God.
Uncle Harold.

Uncle Harold,
I am so sorry.

And who are you?

What do you mean,
who am I?
Uncle Harold...

Who is this person?

What do you mean,
who is this person?

It's your nephew... Paul.

Tell this person
I have no nephew Paul.

Um...
Tell him!

Uncle Harold says
he has no nephew Paul.

Uncle Harold, if you'd
just let me explain.
What happened was...

Would you tell
this person who's
trying to talk to me

that if I did have
a nephew Paul,

he would have
called me

and told me
about the death
of a dear one,

instead of leaving me
like a dog

to read it
in the newspaper.

Uncle Harold says
if he did have a nephew...

I heard
the whole thing.

Look, Uncle Harold,
what happened was...

Who are you?
Okay. All right.

EULOGIZER: Will you take
your seats, please?

The world is
poorer today

for having lost
Marty Blechman.

Buchman.

[SOFTLY] It's Buchman.

Buchman.

I am poorer,

you, his friends,
are poorer,

his loving family
is poorer.

Let me introduce them.

Oh, my God.

His nephew, Bill.

JAMIE: Burt.
Burt.

His nephew Eaemon.
Arnold.

Arnold.

And their wives,

Celia and Rose.
JAMIE: Sylvia

and Blossom
Blossom and Sylvia.

And their children...

Pete, Janice, Arthur,

Sheila, Darcy, and Douglas.

What a man he was.

What a life.

It's hard to know
where to begin
with such a life.

Perhaps with the two words
that summed up his life.

Hoo moos.

Now, I don't know
what they mean.

But I'm sure
they were important.

They were the last words
the man ever spoke.

They must mean
something, right? [CHUCKLES]

But I guess,

like so many things in life,

they will forever
remain a mystery.

You know...

I'm reminded today
of the lustful Jezebel.

Pardon me.

Marty's last words
were "hoo moos"?

Yes, Uncle Harold,
they were.

You know
what "hoo moos" is?

Who are you?

If I may?

Yes. It's
all yours, Henry.

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

August 1933.

The place, Camp Tiki-Huni.

Two young boys,

Marty and Harold,

are playing bow and arrow
in the woods.

They get separated.

It's getting dark.

They get scared.

So, Harold calls out
to Marty

by his nickname.

"Moose."

And Marty says, "Who?"

Then Harold said, "Moose."

And Marty said, "Who?"

Now it's getting darker,

and we're both
getting scareder.

Something moves
in the bushes.

Marty draws his bow
and lets the arrow fly.

And the arrow flies
straight into my...

You should excuse
the expression,

my... Right here.

[WHISTLES]

Marty never forgave himself.

If you notice,
throughout his life,

he never ate
a speared hors d'oeuvre.

He never ate a shish kebab.

In fact, he never ate
with a fork.

Because to hurt
a family member

was to Marty, anathema.

Yes, anathema.

That means no good.

Now, I've heard rumors
that are going around

about certain things
happening in this family...

the bickering, the fighting,
the backbiting,

the squabbling.

What Marty said.
Marty said this,
Marty said that,

Marty bippy, Marty bippy,
kicky, kacky, kooky,

pishky, poppy,
kicky, kacky, kooky.

Blegh-heh!

Enough!

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

He loved you.

He really, really loved you.

And when I remember Marty,

which is every time
I sit down...

[WHISTLES]

I remember
those last words.

"Who? Moose!"

So long, Moose.

[SIGHS] Wow.

I can only add

that insertion will be
at the Gates of Damascus
cemetery

in Forest Hills,
New York.

And then all
are invited back

to Phil and Judy's.

Drive safely.

Uncle Harold,
I remember Aunt Lilly
calling him Moose.

And I remember
that he never ate anything
with a toothpick.

Ate with his
fingers.
Ah.

I always wondered
about the limp.
Well, now you know.

Harold, thank you.

Oh, pleasure.
Come on, you two
get together.

Burt, I... I'm sorry
I thought ill of you.

I'm sorry
I wanted
to kill you.

That's good. Okay.
Now you two.
Come on.

I'm sorry I implied
you were a whore.

Good enough.

Listen... listen,

I'm sorry if I
put you guys in
an awkward position.

No, that's... that's okay.

It was for the best.

Uncle Harold,
may I just say,
that was beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Jamie.
It was really beautiful,

and I want to say again,
the only reason I couldn't...

Give me a kiss.

It's a was.

It's over.

This is what I'm saying.

Any food?

Right this way,
Uncle Harold.

I'm hungry.
Let's go and eat.

Wow.

You know, honey,
I don't know.

What?

I don't know
if "hoo moos"

is what Uncle Harold
said it was.

What are you
talking about?

Come on.
A minor injury
from 400 years ago?

This is what
a man thinks of
as he dies?

Why not?

Okay.

What are you...
It's perfect
for the movie.

That's true.
And the family is
finally at peace again.

All right.
So what are you
questioning it for?

Nothing. All right.

Come on.
I'll buy you
an omelet.

Okay. I'll meet you there.
All right.

"Hoo moos."

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Jezebel had a wonderful
rapport with God,

whom I'm sure
you'll all remember
from last week's sermon.

Jezebel, the Bible tells us,

lusted after everything
that passed by her doorstep.

So God said, "No, Jezebel,

for lusting so,
you shall be punished."

And God devised
a great punishment.

He took a fly,

a, a bzz-bzz fly,

and he put the fly
into her ear.

From her ear
it went into her head,

and anytime that Jezebel
lusted after anything,

that fly buzzed around.

But Jezebel liked it.

Jezebel had a wonderful
rapport with God,

whom I'm sure
you'll all remember
from last week's sermon.

Jezebel, the Bible tells us,

lusted after everything
that pass-ed by her doorstep.

So God said, "No, Jezebel,

for lusting so,
you shall be punished."

And God devised
a great punishment.

He took a fly,

a... a bzz-bzz fly,

and he put the fly
into her ear.

From her ear
it went into her head,

and anytime that Jezebel
lusted after anything,

that fly buzzed around.

But Jezebel liked it.