Original subtitles

Have you seen my maternity boxer shorts?

No.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier ♪

Okay, I have the name. Are you ready?

What is it?

Sit down. I want you to be sitting down for this.

Uh-oh. All right, all right. I'm sitting.

Close your eyes.

Open your mind.

Picture, if you will,

Mirabella.

Okay. How about if it's a boy, Newsweek.

All right. No, go ahead, mock me.

What is it with you? The last 10 weeks,

all you're doing, you're feeding me girls' names.

I got a couple of boy's names. Please.

Otto.

Otto.

Otto. That's a nice name if you're bald and have a monocle.

Fine RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Buchmans.

Hi. We're here to see Joan.

Well, why don't the three of you fill that out and we'll be right with you.

You know, it's easy to shoot down names.

Let's hear some of yours.

I got many o' name. Uh-huh.

Joseph.

Andy.

Michael.

Janet...

Jermaine, Tito.

Honey... La Toya.

Not so easy, is it? All right, all right.

What's wrong with Otto? It's a very distinctive name.

You see very few kids named Otto.

With good reason.

Distinctive is important for the parents,

but for the kid, all it means is,

he's gonna end up hanging by his underwear from a school locker.

He is not.

You gotta think about the playground.

Think about the playground.

What you want is a name that says,

"Don't notice me.

"And if you do, please, God, don't beat me up."

Where did you grow up?

On the streets, baby.

Ooh.

Do you want to know the sex of the baby?

You know where I stand on that.

I think only good comes from knowing.

What about the surprise?

This is the biggest surprise you can ever have in your life.

What is the surprise, really?

It's one of two things.

It's a boy or a girl.

If it's a third thing, like, say, an owl...

Then I say let's find out now.

Listen, I hate to do this to you, but I'm the mother.

What does that mean?

It means I'm carrying this child, and I say we're not finding out.

What? Are you pulling rank on me?

Well, possession's nine-tenths of the law.

Let's face it, you got nothin'.

JOAN: Looking good. Ahh.

This is ridiculous. We have a deal.

What deal? I had no leverage.

You were holding the baby hostage.

Oh, I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna Look.

No, keep those hands up.

Oh, Look, how sweet.

Sweet in a boyish way or sweet in a girlish way?

It's so cute.

Yeah, like, cute-handsome or cute-pretty?

Position's fine. The baby looks great.

Oh, how adorable!

Well, I guess we'll just have to take her word for that, won't we?

Well, if you wanna look, you can look.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, we agreed.

We're not gonna look, we're not gonna...

Oh!

A penis?

A penis.

Positively? A penis?

Absolutely a penis.

Well, let me ask you something. PAUL: Yes, sir.

Was it big?

Can I tell you something?

When it's your kid and you're the father, you're a parent,

you're don't care about stuff like that.

All you're concerned about is, is the kid healthy...

It's huge.

Huge.

Paulie, there you go. He's a Buchman.

Oh, believe me, that's a Buchman.

Who are we kidding? What am I saying?

So, listen, you're gonna be a father.

You're gonna have a son, a boy, huh?

[IMITATING THE GODFATHER] My first child...will be a masculine child.

Hey, hey, hey.

What about James? How you gonna keep her from finding out?

I'll tell her. When the moment's right.

When's that gonna be?

Right after the kid's born.

You're gonna keep the sex of your own child from your wife?

Why would I ruin this for her?

I mean, the surprise is very important to her.

She's been waiting for this all her life.

Plus she'll kill you.

Yeah, I don't need that.

Oh, that's terrible.

Paul, did you know your Uncle Phil is in the hospital?

No. Uncle Phil? What happened?

He's very sick.

I would imagine. He's in the hospital.

Probably very sick, but what's the matter?

He's very sick.

A little more information, please.

Well, the doctors said it could be...

That's what the doctors said? The doctors said that?

The doctors said he had a thing...

What? He's very sick.

I'm just trying to get a little...

BOTH: He's very sick. All right.

PAUL: What was the number?

627.

Right here.

Huh.

Oh, God.

No, no, no. I'm sure they just moved him.

Come on, we'll find out.

[MUFFLED SPEECH FROM BED]

[MUFFLED SPEECH CONTINUES]

Uncle Phil?

Open up the bed, please!

You poor thing.

[PANTING]

Oh, my God, what happened?

I made a mistake.

You made a mistake?

Yeah. I pressed the wrong button.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I think I'm okay.

You didn't get hurt? No, I'm fine.

What exactly happened?

Well, would you do me a favor? Yeah.

Could you go over there? I can't take the swiveling.

You hit the wrong button?

I hit the wrong button.

I'm pressing buttons all my life...

Intercoms, doorbells,

it's the first time I ever got folded in half.

Wow. But I learned something.

What's that? Did you know that your kneecaps

fit right into your eye sockets?

It's amazing.

Ooh! It's my favorite niece and nephew.

Jamie, Paul, firm embrace!

Firm embrace! Firm embrace!

Good. Good.

Of course, you know I'm dying.

You're not dying.

Oh, come on. I know. I'm dying.

There's no two ways about it.

Well, come on.

What did the doctors say?

The doctors, what do they know?

I'm telling you...

It's bleak.

What do you mean? Why do you say it's bleak?

Last night...

Late at night...

I saw God.

Yes.

He was hovering over me

maybe a little to the left.

And...

He spoke to me.

What did he say? He said...

"Hello."

That's how God talks? He just said, "Hello"?

Yes, that's how he talks. No airs.

He's a regular guy.

And he can do anything.

He could take this whole building, turn it upside-down.

He could take Cincinnati, shove it in Chicago.

You want a chocolate malted? Boom! You got it.

Eggs over light? A minute!

Toast always golden brown. Always.

He's perfect!

But he doesn't rub your nose in it.

So you actually talked back to God?

I did it, but I was respectful.

You know, I'm talking to God.

So I said, "O, Lord..."

He likes "Lord." Sure.

"O, Lord, what would you of me?

"Who thou knoweth and forgiveth of me to cometh unto you

"from me who thou knoweth and for..."

Uncle Phil. Yes?

Uncle Phil, you have some food here.

You haven't even touched it.

Food? You say food?

I say, "Ha!"

What? Maybe a little Jell-O.

Jell-O! That's the worst thing they do.

You know what they do? No.

They put pineapple in the Jell-O.

Is that bad?

There's an unwritten law,

never, never put pineapple in Jell-O.

Why do you put pineapple in the man's Jell-O?

Banana, yes.

Apple? Fine.

Mango? Borderline.

It can go. It can go in.

But pineapple...

Erodes the Jell-O.

It loses its gelatinous consistency.

What is Jell-O?

Jell-O is nothing if it isn't a shimmy.

The pineapple destroys the shimmy.

There's no shimmy left in this Jell-O.

I think we get the drift on that.

You can put pineapple in cottage cheese.

Fine.

The cottage cheese can take it. It's strong.

The Jell-O folds up.

So there's no way.

Get my drift?

I do. We do. Okay.

All right, then drift over here.

There's a bedpan in the last...

You know what? I'll just wait outside.

No, it's not that. It's not that kind of thing.

Here. Here. Let me show you what I have in mind.

All right.

Here. Saved it a trip.

Mr. Buchman, it's time.

Oh, no, don't take me.

JAMIE: It's gonna be okay. Don't let them take me.

Paulie, don't let them take me.

Save your uncle now.

Please don't take me.

Ooh!

What's the matter? What is it? What is it?

Ooh, I'm in a tunnel.

I'm in a tunnel!

I see a light. I see a light at the other end.

Is it heaven?

No.

It's New Jersey.

It's New Jersey. Yes.

I must be in the Holland Tunnel.

LEON: Mr. Buchman, it's time.

Listen, you don't worry about anything. You're gonna be fine.

You have to do me a big favor.

Anything you want. Sure. Anything.

This is a deathbed request.

Now, if you say yes, it's a binding promise.

Yes. Anything. What do you want?

If you have a boy, I want you to name him after me.

Oh, whoo... Uncle Phil, it's...

Whoa! The pain! Whoa!

What's the matter? What's the matter?

PAUL: What's the matter? Oh, the pain!

Oh, it's on the march.

PAUL: Okay, calm down. It's on the go.

It's heading for my heart. I can feel it.

Here's the thing about the name.

[THROATY BELLOW] It's hard for us to...

Oh, God, okay! All right. Okay.

Phil it is.

We'll name the boy Phil.

Wait, wait. One more thing.

My real name is not Phil.

My real name is Deuteronomy!

I never heard that.

Deuteronomy.

I know.

The man's name is Deuteronomy.

That's what he said.

We just promised to name our child Deuteronomy.

All right, all right.

I don't understand how you can be so calm about this.

Because worrying's not gonna help anything,

and, besides, we gave our word.

We gave our word to a guy named Phil.

It's a matter of honor.

If we just break our word, then what kind of people are we?

We're the kind of people who are free to name their kid "Tom."

I have a little surprise for you.

I think I know something you don't know.

Oh, what's that?

We're having a girl.

What are you talking about?

I have a very strong feeling that this baby's a girl,

and if that's true, we got no problem.

So you're talking about a feeling.

More than a feeling, it's a maternal instinct.

Okay, well, honey, I respect that. I really do,

but, you know, instincts.

I mean, thousands of years of civilization

have sort of dulled our instincts.

I mean, you can't count on those.

Look at me, my whole hunting-gathering thing, that's shot.

What are you talking about?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

You have no conception of motherhood.

I'm physically connected to this child.

This isn't some New Age concept.

This is real.

All right, listen, I'm physically connected to my pancreas,

and it hasn't said a word to me in 14 years.

Why are you giving me such a hard time about this?

Tell me it isn't true.

I take it you talked to Uncle Phil.

Tell me you didn't agree to name your child Appendectomy.

Deuteronomy. Ugh.

Have you both lost your mind?

Do you have any idea how much this kid is gonna be teased?

Dooty. PAUL: I know.

Doo-doo. We understand.

Dooty on-a me.

Yeah, all right.

Keep this coming 'cause this is really helping now.

Paulie, come on, think about it.

If I went to school with a kid named Deuteronomy,

my day would not be complete until I made the kid cry.

Who do you think he's going to come to, you?

No. You're the perps.

He's going to come to me,

his favorite uncle, all right?

You got to give this kid a normal name.

Kids can make fun of any name.

Yeah, what about Bob?

Blob.

All right, Joe. Schmo.

Shelly.

Smelly.

Ira.

Ira.

Now, you see, with a nice name like Burt,

you wouldn't get any teasing.

Well, actually, a few nasty kids used to call me fat ass.

Plus, if Deuteronomy was such a wonderful name,

why does he call himself Phil?

He never even liked it himself.

Sylvia, it's not as bad as it sounds.

I was just telling Paul I have a very strong maternal instinct

that the baby is a girl.

Really? I do.

Oh, what a relief.

I know that feeling.

You see? See.

I knew that Paulie was going to be a boy

and that Debbie and Sharon were gonna be girls.

You just get that feeling.

Oh, yeah, that feeling.

Burt, we've got nothing to worry about.

Well, that's a relief.

[CHUCKLES]

I think Paulie has something here he wants to say.

No, I don't.

No, you do. You want to say the thing

about, you know, the thing.

No, I don't.

What thing about what thing?

Nothing. Something.

So say it already.

I was saying to him earlier,

I have my own paternal instincts, you know, I just...

I got a feeling the kid's gonna be a boy.

Honey, that's very sweet, but this is kind of a woman thing.

No, I understand.

It's just I really, really got a very strong feeling.

I feel it, feel it, in my bones.

I can tell you with almost absolute certainty

this kid is gonna be a boy.

Honey, we have nothing to worry about.

Trust me.

I peeked at the ultrasound, saw a little penis.

Wait one second.

Don't chicken out on me.

I'm not. It's just, the man, he's on his deathbed,

we made him a promise.

I'm not keeping that promise.

It's just not gonna be easy.

I mean, he's in there, he's hanging by a thread.

Prepare yourself for the worst.

♪ Everybody's doin' it

♪ Doin' it, doin' it

♪ Everybody's doin' it

♪ Doin' it, doin' it

♪ See that ragtime couple over there

♪ Watch them throw their shoulders in the air

♪ Snap your fingers

♪ Honey, I declare

♪ It's there It's there

♪ It's there It's there

♪ Boys!

♪ Everybody's doin' it

♪ Doin' it, doin' it

♪ Everybody's doin' it

♪ Doin' what? ♪ The turkey trot

♪ Can't stop, boop-bop boom-ba-da-bam

♪ Hear those trombones bursting apart

♪ Come, come, come, come, let us start

♪ Everybody's doin' it

♪ Everybody's doin' it

♪ Everybody's doin' it now ♪

Okay.

All right, boys, take five.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Leon.

Down. Down, uh, down.

You're going down. You got to... Up!

♪ Everyone's doin' it ♪

One more doin' it.

Doin' it!

Uncle Phil, what is all this?

The turkey trot.

What about the surgery?

Surgery? No surgery. What surgery?

They prodded, they poked, they manipulated digitally.

Woof!

What'd they find?

Zip. Zero.

Nothing!

Nothing! What about the pain?

Gas.

A humongous rogue bubble...

Of trapped gas,

and it left as silently as it came.

In the night.

Here's your bag, Mr. Buchman.

Oh, Skippy.

Here, thanks for everything.

Buy yourself a Swatch.

Wow. [CLEARS THROAT] Phil, we're so happy to hear that you're feeling better,

you know? Because we actually wanted to talk to you about something.

This isn't mine. Oh, what the hell?

Yeah. We, um...

We wanted to talk to you about something.

You know, about the name.

The name, the name.

Yeah, Deuteronomy.

The name. Yes, Deuteronomy.

We're a little concerned. It's, um...

It's a little, uh...

Here's the thing.

It's not very common. Yeah.

Common.

If you want common,

you name a kid Joe, you name a kid John.

The kid goes to a picnic,

"John, your sandwich is ready."

Forty kids run up to get that sandwich.

You name the kid... Excuse me.

You name the kid Deuteronomy,

"Deuteronomy, your sandwich is ready."

Your kid's getting that sandwich.

You make a very strong point. PHIL: Of course.

It's just that we're concerned...

This isn't mine either.

What the hell?

This is mine.

We're just afraid that the kid will get teased.

I mean, didn't you used to get teased a lot?

Yeah, we all get teased.

You get teased a little bit. So what?

It's no big deal.

I used to come home from school as I was walking home,

I'd hear, "Dooty, Dooty."

See?

"There's no dooty on you.

"Is there any dooty on-a me?"

You know? I got it. I got it. Yeah.

Then they'd shove a little, they'd push.

I'd push, they'd shove.

We'd shove, we'd hit.

There'd be a lot of hitting,

and they'd smash me,

and then they'd take off my hat,

and they'd all spit in it,

which wasn't fun.

And finally, one day I said,

"This is it, I've had my fill!"

And it hit me.

Phil. That's a good name.

So I took Phil,

and I discarded Deuteronomy.

Exactly.

Yeah. So given all that,

I guess you'd agree...

We don't want to name him Deuteronomy.

You can't name this kid Deuteronomy.

What are you, nuts?

I was on pain killers. I was delirious.

What's your excuse?

Well, we wanted... We just wanted...

Shame on you.

But I love you both so much

for going along with that name for so long.

It's settled, then. We won't name him Deuteronomy.

No Deuteronomy. No Deuteronomy. Firm embrace!

Firm embrace.

Thank you so much. You, listen,

good to see you up. You feel well.

I love you both very much.

JAMIE: We love you, too.

If it's a boy, name him anything you want.

Thank you, Uncle Phil.

PHIL: But if it's a girl... Yeah?

I'd love you to name it after my mother.

Um...

PHIL: Her name was Rose.

Rose. Rose.

That's actually kind of sweet.

Rose is a very pretty name.

We'll definitely think about it.

We're gonna think about it. We'll think about Rose.

Actually, Rose wasn't her real name.

JOAN: So, when the baby reaches five or six pounds, you can...

What?

What are you smiling at?

The way you say "the baby."

"The baby."

So as to not give away any gender information.

Very deft. Well, I do this a lot.

Well, you can stop doing it with us.

I can?

We know it's a boy.

You do? Paul saw a penis.

JOAN: I'm sorry?

The other day when you were doing the thing.

The ultrasound.

I know we said we weren't gonna look,

and I didn't mean to, but I just did a little space between my fingers,

and I looked, and there it was.

You saw a penis.

PAUL: Yes, ma'am.

Big expert penis spotter, are ya?

Well, I do all right.

Show me.

Seriously?

If you please.

Look. There's our baby.

Healthy baby? Very healthy.

He won't always be transparent, right?

No.

Right there.

There?

I'm sorry. Right there. Look.

You sure?

Yeah. Look.

Right there. One, two, three, four, five.

Five penises.

Boy, Look out for this kid.

It's a foot, isn't it?

Hand.

You didn't see a penis.

Hand.

Is it possible his hand is on his penis?

Hand, hand, and nothing but a hand.

You can't see it in this picture, but I'm telling you,

the other day that kid was happy to see somebody.

So this means it's a girl.

Nope.

It's a boy. Nope.

Is it an owl?

Seriously. Tell me. I won't be mad.

Do you want to know? Do you really want to know?

Actually, I don't want to know. No, wait a second.

Last time you didn't want to find out, and I did,

and you steamrolled me.

I get to vote this time.

I'm saying... I'm taking charge.

I'm saying, no, we're not gonna find out.

Oh, well, all right, then.

Okay. Okay.

Then, let's weigh you and take your blood pressure.

Okay.

That's a penis.

My favorite name for a girl has always been, always,

since I'm 14,

has been Trixie.

I love that name.

Dixie's good, too, but Trixie's better.

JAMIE: Uncle Phil, it's hard for us to commit now.

Louise is not a bad name.

Think about Louise.

♪ Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise

♪ Birds in the trees seem to czzk-pfllt Louise ♪