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1
00:00:07,248 --> 00:00:08,698
Have you seen
my maternity
boxer shorts?
2
00:00:08,836 --> 00:00:09,871
No.
3
00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:35,794
♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do
4
00:00:35,932 --> 00:00:40,040
♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you
5
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:42,180
♪ Let's take each other's hand
6
00:00:42,318 --> 00:00:45,838
♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪
7
00:00:56,841 --> 00:00:58,636
Okay, I have the name.
Are you ready?
8
00:00:58,774 --> 00:00:59,982
What is it?
9
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,536
Sit down. I want you to be
sitting down for this.
10
00:01:01,674 --> 00:01:04,608
Uh-oh. All right, all right.
I'm sitting.
11
00:01:04,746 --> 00:01:05,988
Close your eyes.
12
00:01:06,126 --> 00:01:07,783
Open your mind.
13
00:01:07,921 --> 00:01:09,820
Picture, if you will,
14
00:01:09,958 --> 00:01:11,131
Mirabella.
15
00:01:12,443 --> 00:01:14,031
Okay. How about if
it's a boy, Newsweek.
16
00:01:14,169 --> 00:01:16,482
All right.
No, go ahead, mock me.
17
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:17,828
What is it with you?
The last 10 weeks,
18
00:01:17,966 --> 00:01:19,485
all you're doing, you're
feeding me girls' names.
19
00:01:19,623 --> 00:01:22,073
I got a couple
of boy's names.
Please.
20
00:01:22,591 --> 00:01:23,523
Otto.
21
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,939
Otto.
22
00:01:26,077 --> 00:01:28,804
Otto. That's a nice name
if you're bald
and have a monocle.
23
00:01:28,942 --> 00:01:30,565
Fine
RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Buchmans.
24
00:01:30,703 --> 00:01:33,671
Hi. We're here
to see Joan.
25
00:01:33,809 --> 00:01:37,365
Well, why don't the three
of you fill that out
and we'll be right with you.
26
00:01:37,503 --> 00:01:38,711
You know, it's easy
to shoot down names.
27
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,057
Let's hear some of yours.
28
00:01:40,195 --> 00:01:41,955
I got many o' name.
Uh-huh.
29
00:01:42,093 --> 00:01:43,232
Joseph.
30
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,613
Andy.
31
00:01:44,751 --> 00:01:45,959
Michael.
32
00:01:46,097 --> 00:01:47,271
Janet...
33
00:01:47,409 --> 00:01:48,755
Jermaine, Tito.
34
00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:51,275
Honey...
La Toya.
35
00:01:52,449 --> 00:01:54,243
Not so easy, is it?
All right, all right.
36
00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:56,107
What's wrong with Otto?
It's a very distinctive name.
37
00:01:56,245 --> 00:01:58,040
You see very few
kids named Otto.
38
00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:00,940
With good reason.
39
00:02:01,078 --> 00:02:03,045
Distinctive is important
for the parents,
40
00:02:03,183 --> 00:02:04,806
but for the kid,
all it means is,
41
00:02:04,944 --> 00:02:07,533
he's gonna end up
hanging by his underwear
from a school locker.
42
00:02:07,671 --> 00:02:08,706
He is not.
43
00:02:08,844 --> 00:02:10,536
You gotta think
about the playground.
44
00:02:10,674 --> 00:02:11,778
Think about
the playground.
45
00:02:11,916 --> 00:02:13,780
What you want is
a name that says,
46
00:02:13,918 --> 00:02:15,195
"Don't notice me.
47
00:02:15,334 --> 00:02:17,612
"And if you do,
please, God,
don't beat me up."
48
00:02:18,992 --> 00:02:20,304
Where did you grow up?
49
00:02:20,442 --> 00:02:22,064
On the streets, baby.
50
00:02:24,273 --> 00:02:25,758
Ooh.
51
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,656
Do you want to know
the sex of the baby?
52
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:30,625
You know where
I stand on that.
53
00:02:30,763 --> 00:02:32,868
I think only good
comes from knowing.
54
00:02:33,006 --> 00:02:34,491
What about the surprise?
55
00:02:34,629 --> 00:02:36,596
This is the biggest
surprise you can ever
have in your life.
56
00:02:36,734 --> 00:02:37,735
What is the surprise,
really?
57
00:02:37,873 --> 00:02:39,737
It's one of two things.
58
00:02:39,875 --> 00:02:41,325
It's a boy or a girl.
59
00:02:41,463 --> 00:02:43,948
If it's a third thing,
like, say, an owl...
60
00:02:44,086 --> 00:02:46,779
Then I say
let's find out now.
61
00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,884
Listen, I hate to do this
to you, but I'm the mother.
62
00:02:50,023 --> 00:02:51,611
What does that mean?
63
00:02:51,749 --> 00:02:54,165
It means I'm carrying
this child, and I say
we're not finding out.
64
00:02:54,303 --> 00:02:55,788
What? Are you
pulling rank on me?
65
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,652
Well, possession's
nine-tenths of the law.
66
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:58,929
Let's face it,
you got nothin'.
67
00:03:01,069 --> 00:03:03,658
JOAN:
Looking good. Ahh.
68
00:03:03,796 --> 00:03:05,936
This is ridiculous.
We have a deal.
69
00:03:06,074 --> 00:03:07,524
What deal?
I had no leverage.
70
00:03:07,662 --> 00:03:09,560
You were holding
the baby hostage.
71
00:03:11,838 --> 00:03:12,908
Oh, I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna Look.
72
00:03:13,046 --> 00:03:13,978
No, keep those hands up.
73
00:03:14,116 --> 00:03:16,636
Oh, Look, how sweet.
74
00:03:16,774 --> 00:03:19,536
Sweet in a boyish way
or sweet in a girlish way?
75
00:03:19,674 --> 00:03:21,503
It's so cute.
76
00:03:21,641 --> 00:03:23,816
Yeah, like, cute-handsome
or cute-pretty?
77
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:26,232
Position's fine.
The baby looks great.
78
00:03:26,370 --> 00:03:28,130
Oh, how adorable!
79
00:03:28,268 --> 00:03:31,617
Well, I guess we'll just
have to take her word
for that, won't we?
80
00:03:31,755 --> 00:03:33,170
Well, if you wanna look,
you can look.
81
00:03:33,308 --> 00:03:34,482
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, we agreed.
82
00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:36,242
We're not gonna look,
we're not gonna...
83
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:37,381
Oh!
84
00:03:38,555 --> 00:03:39,521
A penis?
85
00:03:40,315 --> 00:03:41,489
A penis.
86
00:03:41,627 --> 00:03:43,042
Positively?
A penis?
87
00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:45,631
Absolutely a penis.
88
00:03:45,769 --> 00:03:47,149
Well, let me
ask you something.
PAUL: Yes, sir.
89
00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:48,634
Was it big?
90
00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:51,291
Can I tell you something?
91
00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:53,190
When it's your kid
and you're the father,
you're a parent,
92
00:03:53,328 --> 00:03:54,605
you're don't care
about stuff like that.
93
00:03:54,743 --> 00:03:57,263
All you're concerned about is,
is the kid healthy...
94
00:03:57,401 --> 00:03:58,540
It's huge.
95
00:03:58,678 --> 00:03:59,955
Huge.
96
00:04:00,093 --> 00:04:02,441
Paulie,
there you go.
He's a Buchman.
97
00:04:02,579 --> 00:04:04,304
Oh, believe me,
that's a Buchman.
98
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,998
Who are we kidding?
What am I saying?
99
00:04:08,136 --> 00:04:09,551
So, listen, you're
gonna be a father.
100
00:04:09,689 --> 00:04:11,415
You're gonna have
a son, a boy, huh?
101
00:04:11,553 --> 00:04:14,591
[IMITATING THE GODFATHER]
My first child...will
be a masculine child.
102
00:04:14,729 --> 00:04:16,316
Hey, hey, hey.
103
00:04:16,455 --> 00:04:18,560
What about James?
How you gonna keep
her from finding out?
104
00:04:18,698 --> 00:04:20,804
I'll tell her.
When the moment's right.
105
00:04:20,942 --> 00:04:22,081
When's that gonna be?
106
00:04:22,219 --> 00:04:24,048
Right after the kid's born.
107
00:04:24,186 --> 00:04:27,362
You're gonna keep the sex
of your own child
from your wife?
108
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,674
Why would I ruin this
for her?
109
00:04:28,812 --> 00:04:30,917
I mean, the surprise is very
important to her.
110
00:04:31,055 --> 00:04:32,643
She's been waiting
for this all her life.
111
00:04:32,781 --> 00:04:33,713
Plus she'll kill you.
112
00:04:33,851 --> 00:04:35,404
Yeah, I don't need that.
113
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,096
Oh, that's
terrible.
114
00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:38,994
Paul, did you know
your Uncle Phil is
in the hospital?
115
00:04:39,132 --> 00:04:41,203
No. Uncle Phil?
What happened?
116
00:04:41,341 --> 00:04:42,895
He's very sick.
117
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,413
I would imagine.
He's in the hospital.
118
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,830
Probably very sick,
but what's the matter?
119
00:04:46,968 --> 00:04:48,245
He's very sick.
120
00:04:51,110 --> 00:04:52,456
A little more
information, please.
121
00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,216
Well, the doctors
said it could be...
122
00:04:55,735 --> 00:04:57,565
That's what
the doctors said?
The doctors said that?
123
00:04:57,703 --> 00:04:59,014
The doctors said
he had a thing...
124
00:04:59,152 --> 00:05:00,947
What? He's very sick.
125
00:05:02,397 --> 00:05:03,467
I'm just trying
to get a little...
126
00:05:03,605 --> 00:05:04,710
BOTH: He's very sick.
All right.
127
00:05:09,162 --> 00:05:10,163
PAUL:
What was the number?
128
00:05:10,301 --> 00:05:11,440
627.
129
00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:13,028
Right here.
130
00:05:14,789 --> 00:05:15,824
Huh.
131
00:05:16,894 --> 00:05:17,930
Oh, God.
132
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,345
No, no, no. I'm sure they
just moved him.
133
00:05:19,483 --> 00:05:20,726
Come on, we'll find out.
134
00:05:20,864 --> 00:05:22,106
[MUFFLED SPEECH FROM BED]
135
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,012
[MUFFLED SPEECH CONTINUES]
136
00:05:31,150 --> 00:05:32,151
Uncle Phil?
137
00:05:32,289 --> 00:05:33,808
Open up the bed, please!
138
00:05:36,742 --> 00:05:39,227
You poor thing.
139
00:05:41,505 --> 00:05:43,058
[PANTING]
140
00:05:44,922 --> 00:05:46,130
Oh, my God,
what happened?
141
00:05:46,268 --> 00:05:47,304
I made a mistake.
142
00:05:47,442 --> 00:05:48,443
You made a mistake?
143
00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:49,996
Yeah. I pressed
the wrong button.
144
00:05:50,134 --> 00:05:51,066
Are you sure
you're okay?
145
00:05:51,204 --> 00:05:52,136
Yeah, I think I'm okay.
146
00:05:52,274 --> 00:05:53,206
You didn't get hurt?
No, I'm fine.
147
00:05:53,344 --> 00:05:54,587
What exactly
happened?
148
00:05:54,725 --> 00:05:56,209
Well, would you
do me a favor?
Yeah.
149
00:05:56,347 --> 00:05:58,833
Could you go over there?
I can't take the swiveling.
150
00:06:00,524 --> 00:06:02,043
You hit
the wrong button?
151
00:06:02,181 --> 00:06:03,423
I hit the wrong button.
152
00:06:03,562 --> 00:06:05,460
I'm pressing buttons
all my life...
153
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,945
Intercoms, doorbells,
154
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:11,190
it's the first time
I ever got folded in half.
155
00:06:12,363 --> 00:06:13,744
Wow.
But I learned something.
156
00:06:13,882 --> 00:06:15,332
What's that?
Did you know
that your kneecaps
157
00:06:15,470 --> 00:06:16,920
fit right into
your eye sockets?
158
00:06:18,266 --> 00:06:19,405
It's amazing.
159
00:06:19,543 --> 00:06:22,822
Ooh!
It's my favorite
niece and nephew.
160
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,686
Jamie, Paul,
firm embrace!
161
00:06:24,824 --> 00:06:27,309
Firm embrace!
Firm embrace!
162
00:06:27,862 --> 00:06:28,932
Good. Good.
163
00:06:29,070 --> 00:06:30,450
Of course,
you know I'm dying.
164
00:06:32,314 --> 00:06:33,281
You're not dying.
165
00:06:33,419 --> 00:06:34,938
Oh, come on. I know.
I'm dying.
166
00:06:35,076 --> 00:06:36,215
There's no two ways
about it.
167
00:06:36,353 --> 00:06:37,492
Well, come on.
168
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:38,597
What did the doctors say?
169
00:06:38,735 --> 00:06:40,253
The doctors,
what do they know?
170
00:06:40,391 --> 00:06:41,565
I'm telling you...
171
00:06:41,703 --> 00:06:42,911
It's bleak.
172
00:06:43,049 --> 00:06:44,948
What do you mean?
Why do you say
it's bleak?
173
00:06:45,086 --> 00:06:46,432
Last night...
174
00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:48,158
Late at night...
175
00:06:48,986 --> 00:06:50,332
I saw God.
176
00:06:51,851 --> 00:06:52,887
Yes.
177
00:06:53,025 --> 00:06:54,751
He was hovering over me
178
00:06:54,889 --> 00:06:56,097
maybe a little
to the left.
179
00:06:58,064 --> 00:06:59,169
And...
180
00:06:59,307 --> 00:07:00,308
He spoke to me.
181
00:07:00,446 --> 00:07:02,344
What did he say?
He said...
182
00:07:02,482 --> 00:07:03,794
"Hello."
183
00:07:05,313 --> 00:07:06,832
That's how God talks?
He just said, "Hello"?
184
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:08,799
Yes, that's how he talks.
No airs.
185
00:07:08,937 --> 00:07:10,145
He's a regular guy.
186
00:07:10,283 --> 00:07:11,802
And he can do anything.
187
00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:14,771
He could take
this whole building,
turn it upside-down.
188
00:07:14,909 --> 00:07:17,739
He could take Cincinnati,
shove it in Chicago.
189
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:22,192
You want
a chocolate malted?
Boom! You got it.
190
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:24,470
Eggs over light?
A minute!
191
00:07:24,608 --> 00:07:26,921
Toast always golden brown.
Always.
192
00:07:28,854 --> 00:07:29,958
He's perfect!
193
00:07:30,096 --> 00:07:32,064
But he doesn't
rub your nose in it.
194
00:07:33,893 --> 00:07:35,826
So you actually
talked back to God?
195
00:07:35,964 --> 00:07:38,691
I did it, but
I was respectful.
196
00:07:38,829 --> 00:07:40,037
You know, I'm talking to God.
197
00:07:40,175 --> 00:07:42,005
So I said, "O, Lord..."
198
00:07:42,143 --> 00:07:43,316
He likes "Lord."
Sure.
199
00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:47,148
"O, Lord,
what would you of me?
200
00:07:47,286 --> 00:07:50,738
"Who thou knoweth
and forgiveth of me
to cometh unto you
201
00:07:50,876 --> 00:07:52,049
"from me who thou
knoweth and for..."
202
00:07:52,187 --> 00:07:53,464
Uncle Phil.
Yes?
203
00:07:53,602 --> 00:07:54,742
Uncle Phil, you have
some food here.
204
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,329
You haven't even touched it.
205
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,917
Food? You say food?
206
00:07:58,055 --> 00:07:59,367
I say, "Ha!"
207
00:07:59,505 --> 00:08:00,886
What? Maybe
a little Jell-O.
208
00:08:01,024 --> 00:08:02,404
Jell-O!
That's the worst
thing they do.
209
00:08:02,542 --> 00:08:04,268
You know what they do?
No.
210
00:08:04,406 --> 00:08:06,029
They put pineapple
in the Jell-O.
211
00:08:06,650 --> 00:08:07,651
Is that bad?
212
00:08:07,789 --> 00:08:09,653
There's an unwritten law,
213
00:08:09,791 --> 00:08:13,139
never, never
put pineapple in Jell-O.
214
00:08:13,277 --> 00:08:15,279
Why do you put pineapple
in the man's Jell-O?
215
00:08:15,417 --> 00:08:16,591
Banana, yes.
216
00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:18,041
Apple? Fine.
217
00:08:18,179 --> 00:08:19,490
Mango? Borderline.
218
00:08:20,871 --> 00:08:22,839
It can go.
It can go in.
219
00:08:22,977 --> 00:08:25,289
But pineapple...
220
00:08:26,049 --> 00:08:27,706
Erodes the Jell-O.
221
00:08:29,190 --> 00:08:33,159
It loses its gelatinous
consistency.
222
00:08:33,297 --> 00:08:34,402
What is Jell-O?
223
00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:36,611
Jell-O is nothing
if it isn't a shimmy.
224
00:08:38,544 --> 00:08:40,408
The pineapple
destroys the shimmy.
225
00:08:40,546 --> 00:08:42,099
There's no shimmy left
in this Jell-O.
226
00:08:42,237 --> 00:08:43,514
I think we get
the drift on that.
227
00:08:43,652 --> 00:08:45,551
You can put pineapple
in cottage cheese.
228
00:08:45,689 --> 00:08:47,001
Fine.
229
00:08:47,139 --> 00:08:48,968
The cottage cheese
can take it. It's strong.
230
00:08:50,245 --> 00:08:51,626
The Jell-O folds up.
231
00:08:53,007 --> 00:08:54,077
So there's no way.
232
00:08:54,215 --> 00:08:55,216
Get my drift?
233
00:08:55,354 --> 00:08:57,011
I do. We do.
Okay.
234
00:08:57,149 --> 00:08:58,357
All right,
then drift over here.
235
00:08:58,495 --> 00:09:01,429
There's a bedpan
in the last...
236
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:02,810
You know what?
I'll just wait outside.
237
00:09:02,948 --> 00:09:05,813
No, it's not that.
It's not that kind of thing.
238
00:09:05,951 --> 00:09:08,263
Here. Here. Let me show you
what I have in mind.
239
00:09:10,058 --> 00:09:11,404
All right.
240
00:09:11,542 --> 00:09:13,406
Here. Saved it a trip.
241
00:09:18,377 --> 00:09:19,516
Mr. Buchman,
it's time.
242
00:09:19,654 --> 00:09:20,931
Oh, no, don't take me.
243
00:09:21,069 --> 00:09:22,070
JAMIE:
It's gonna be okay.
Don't let them take me.
244
00:09:22,208 --> 00:09:24,107
Paulie, don't let
them take me.
245
00:09:24,245 --> 00:09:25,764
Save your
uncle now.
246
00:09:25,902 --> 00:09:27,420
Please don't
take me.
247
00:09:27,558 --> 00:09:28,767
Ooh!
248
00:09:28,905 --> 00:09:30,389
What's
the matter?
What is it? What is it?
249
00:09:31,562 --> 00:09:33,116
Ooh, I'm in a tunnel.
250
00:09:33,254 --> 00:09:35,014
I'm in a tunnel!
251
00:09:35,152 --> 00:09:37,948
I see a light.
I see a light
at the other end.
252
00:09:38,535 --> 00:09:39,674
Is it heaven?
253
00:09:42,263 --> 00:09:43,471
No.
254
00:09:43,609 --> 00:09:44,610
It's New Jersey.
255
00:09:44,748 --> 00:09:46,681
It's New Jersey.
Yes.
256
00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:48,096
I must be in
the Holland Tunnel.
257
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:49,857
LEON: Mr. Buchman,
it's time.
258
00:09:49,995 --> 00:09:52,031
Listen, you don't
worry about anything.
You're gonna be fine.
259
00:09:52,169 --> 00:09:53,895
You have to do me
a big favor.
260
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:55,000
Anything you want.
Sure.
Anything.
261
00:09:55,138 --> 00:09:56,311
This is a deathbed request.
262
00:09:56,449 --> 00:09:58,417
Now, if you say yes,
it's a binding promise.
263
00:09:58,555 --> 00:09:59,832
Yes. Anything.
What do you want?
264
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:03,042
If you have a boy, I want
you to name him after me.
265
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:05,596
Oh, whoo...
Uncle Phil, it's...
266
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:08,013
Whoa! The pain! Whoa!
267
00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:09,738
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
268
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,844
PAUL: What's the matter?
Oh, the pain!
269
00:10:11,982 --> 00:10:13,052
Oh, it's
on the march.
270
00:10:13,190 --> 00:10:15,123
PAUL: Okay, calm down.
It's on the go.
271
00:10:15,261 --> 00:10:17,194
It's heading
for my heart.
I can feel it.
272
00:10:17,332 --> 00:10:18,886
Here's the thing
about the name.
273
00:10:19,024 --> 00:10:20,266
[THROATY BELLOW]
It's hard
for us to...
274
00:10:20,404 --> 00:10:21,854
Oh, God, okay!
All right. Okay.
275
00:10:21,992 --> 00:10:23,166
Phil it is.
276
00:10:23,304 --> 00:10:24,408
We'll name the boy Phil.
277
00:10:24,546 --> 00:10:26,031
Wait, wait.
One more thing.
278
00:10:26,963 --> 00:10:29,034
My real name
is not Phil.
279
00:10:30,483 --> 00:10:31,968
My real name
is Deuteronomy!
280
00:10:36,627 --> 00:10:37,905
I never heard that.
281
00:10:46,845 --> 00:10:47,949
Deuteronomy.
282
00:10:48,087 --> 00:10:49,399
I know.
283
00:10:49,537 --> 00:10:51,056
The man's name
is Deuteronomy.
284
00:10:51,194 --> 00:10:52,436
That's what he said.
285
00:10:52,574 --> 00:10:54,300
We just promised
to name our child
Deuteronomy.
286
00:10:54,438 --> 00:10:56,026
All right, all right.
287
00:10:56,164 --> 00:10:58,270
I don't understand
how you can be
so calm about this.
288
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,203
Because worrying's
not gonna help anything,
289
00:11:00,341 --> 00:11:01,514
and, besides,
we gave our word.
290
00:11:01,652 --> 00:11:03,896
We gave our word
to a guy named Phil.
291
00:11:04,034 --> 00:11:05,518
It's a matter of honor.
292
00:11:05,656 --> 00:11:08,211
If we just break our word,
then what kind of people
are we?
293
00:11:08,349 --> 00:11:10,972
We're the kind of people
who are free to name
their kid "Tom."
294
00:11:13,009 --> 00:11:15,287
I have a little surprise
for you.
295
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,082
I think I know something
you don't know.
296
00:11:17,220 --> 00:11:18,738
Oh, what's that?
297
00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:20,154
We're having a girl.
298
00:11:27,506 --> 00:11:28,921
What are you
talking about?
299
00:11:29,059 --> 00:11:31,441
I have
a very strong feeling
that this baby's a girl,
300
00:11:31,579 --> 00:11:33,546
and if that's true,
we got no problem.
301
00:11:33,684 --> 00:11:34,858
So you're talking
about a feeling.
302
00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:38,413
More than a feeling,
it's a maternal instinct.
303
00:11:38,551 --> 00:11:41,485
Okay, well, honey,
I respect that.
I really do,
304
00:11:41,623 --> 00:11:42,901
but, you know, instincts.
305
00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:45,248
I mean, thousands of years
of civilization
306
00:11:45,386 --> 00:11:47,353
have sort of dulled
our instincts.
307
00:11:47,491 --> 00:11:49,286
I mean, you can't
count on those.
308
00:11:49,424 --> 00:11:51,806
Look at me, my whole
hunting-gathering thing,
that's shot.
309
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:55,327
What are you
talking about?
310
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,122
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
311
00:11:57,260 --> 00:12:00,056
You have no conception
of motherhood.
312
00:12:00,194 --> 00:12:02,092
I'm physically
connected to this child.
313
00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:03,749
This isn't some
New Age concept.
314
00:12:03,887 --> 00:12:05,613
This is real.
315
00:12:05,751 --> 00:12:08,478
All right, listen,
I'm physically connected
to my pancreas,
316
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:10,238
and it hasn't said
a word to me in 14 years.
317
00:12:13,103 --> 00:12:15,381
Why are you giving me
such a hard time
about this?
318
00:12:15,519 --> 00:12:17,107
Tell me it isn't true.
319
00:12:17,245 --> 00:12:19,006
I take it you talked
to Uncle Phil.
320
00:12:19,144 --> 00:12:22,837
Tell me you didn't agree
to name your child
Appendectomy.
321
00:12:24,149 --> 00:12:26,185
Deuteronomy.
Ugh.
322
00:12:26,323 --> 00:12:28,049
Have you both
lost your mind?
323
00:12:28,187 --> 00:12:31,052
Do you have any idea
how much this kid
is gonna be teased?
324
00:12:31,190 --> 00:12:32,329
Dooty.
PAUL: I know.
325
00:12:33,744 --> 00:12:35,263
Doo-doo.
We understand.
326
00:12:35,401 --> 00:12:36,368
Dooty on-a me.
327
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:37,817
Yeah, all right.
328
00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:40,061
Keep this coming
'cause this is really
helping now.
329
00:12:40,199 --> 00:12:41,407
Paulie, come on,
think about it.
330
00:12:41,545 --> 00:12:43,547
If I went to school
with a kid named
Deuteronomy,
331
00:12:43,685 --> 00:12:46,136
my day would not be
complete until
I made the kid cry.
332
00:12:48,069 --> 00:12:49,553
Who do you think
he's going to come to, you?
333
00:12:49,691 --> 00:12:50,969
No. You're the perps.
334
00:12:51,107 --> 00:12:52,039
He's going to come to me,
335
00:12:52,177 --> 00:12:53,316
his favorite uncle, all right?
336
00:12:53,454 --> 00:12:55,283
You got to give this kid
a normal name.
337
00:12:55,421 --> 00:12:57,320
Kids can make fun
of any name.
338
00:12:57,458 --> 00:12:58,355
Yeah, what about Bob?
339
00:12:58,493 --> 00:12:59,701
Blob.
340
00:12:59,839 --> 00:13:01,393
All right, Joe.
Schmo.
341
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,601
Shelly.
342
00:13:02,739 --> 00:13:03,809
Smelly.
343
00:13:03,947 --> 00:13:05,017
Ira.
344
00:13:05,155 --> 00:13:06,191
Ira.
345
00:13:09,263 --> 00:13:11,955
Now, you see,
with a nice name
like Burt,
346
00:13:12,093 --> 00:13:13,715
you wouldn't get
any teasing.
347
00:13:13,853 --> 00:13:17,064
Well, actually,
a few nasty kids
used to call me fat ass.
348
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,554
Plus, if Deuteronomy was
such a wonderful name,
349
00:13:24,692 --> 00:13:26,038
why does he
call himself Phil?
350
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:27,729
He never even
liked it himself.
351
00:13:27,867 --> 00:13:29,662
Sylvia, it's not as bad
as it sounds.
352
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,665
I was just telling Paul
I have a very strong
maternal instinct
353
00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:34,426
that the baby is a girl.
354
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:35,772
Really?
I do.
355
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:37,222
Oh, what a relief.
356
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,499
I know that feeling.
357
00:13:38,637 --> 00:13:40,087
You see?
See.
358
00:13:40,225 --> 00:13:41,950
I knew that Paulie
was going to be a boy
359
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,883
and that Debbie and Sharon
were gonna be girls.
360
00:13:44,022 --> 00:13:45,264
You just get
that feeling.
361
00:13:45,402 --> 00:13:47,197
Oh, yeah, that feeling.
362
00:13:47,335 --> 00:13:49,682
Burt, we've got
nothing to worry about.
363
00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:51,305
Well, that's a relief.
364
00:13:51,443 --> 00:13:52,582
[CHUCKLES]
365
00:13:54,239 --> 00:13:56,310
I think Paulie
has something here
he wants to say.
366
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,590
No, I don't.
367
00:14:00,728 --> 00:14:02,385
No, you do. You want
to say the thing
368
00:14:02,523 --> 00:14:04,042
about, you know,
the thing.
369
00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:05,112
No, I don't.
370
00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:06,182
What thing
about what thing?
371
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,528
Nothing.
Something.
372
00:14:08,218 --> 00:14:09,875
So say it already.
373
00:14:14,569 --> 00:14:16,157
I was saying
to him earlier,
374
00:14:16,295 --> 00:14:20,299
I have my own
paternal instincts,
you know, I just...
375
00:14:20,437 --> 00:14:22,577
I got a feeling the kid's
gonna be a boy.
376
00:14:22,715 --> 00:14:25,787
Honey, that's very sweet,
but this is kind of
a woman thing.
377
00:14:25,925 --> 00:14:27,996
No, I understand.
378
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:30,068
It's just I really, really
got a very strong feeling.
379
00:14:31,310 --> 00:14:33,312
I feel it, feel it,
in my bones.
380
00:14:33,450 --> 00:14:35,487
I can tell you with
almost absolute certainty
381
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,110
this kid is gonna
be a boy.
382
00:14:38,248 --> 00:14:40,112
Honey, we have nothing
to worry about.
383
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,390
Trust me.
384
00:14:42,528 --> 00:14:44,116
I peeked at the ultrasound,
saw a little penis.
385
00:14:51,365 --> 00:14:53,056
Wait one second.
386
00:14:53,194 --> 00:14:54,437
Don't chicken out
on me.
387
00:14:54,575 --> 00:14:57,819
I'm not. It's just, the man,
he's on his deathbed,
388
00:14:57,957 --> 00:14:59,062
we made him
a promise.
389
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,926
I'm not keeping
that promise.
390
00:15:01,064 --> 00:15:02,203
It's just not
gonna be easy.
391
00:15:02,341 --> 00:15:04,964
I mean, he's in there,
he's hanging by a thread.
392
00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:06,690
Prepare yourself
for the worst.
393
00:15:07,933 --> 00:15:09,659
♪ Everybody's doin' it
394
00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,109
♪ Doin' it, doin' it
395
00:15:11,247 --> 00:15:12,869
♪ Everybody's doin' it
396
00:15:13,007 --> 00:15:14,526
♪ Doin' it, doin' it
397
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,598
♪ See that ragtime couple
over there
398
00:15:17,736 --> 00:15:20,773
♪ Watch them throw their shoulders in the air
399
00:15:20,911 --> 00:15:22,292
♪ Snap your fingers
400
00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:23,880
♪ Honey, I declare
401
00:15:24,018 --> 00:15:25,123
♪ It's there
It's there
402
00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:26,193
♪ It's there
It's there
403
00:15:26,331 --> 00:15:27,263
♪ Boys!
404
00:15:27,401 --> 00:15:28,712
♪ Everybody's doin' it
405
00:15:28,850 --> 00:15:30,162
♪ Doin' it, doin' it
406
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:31,888
♪ Everybody's doin' it
407
00:15:32,026 --> 00:15:33,441
♪ Doin' what?
♪ The turkey trot
408
00:15:33,579 --> 00:15:36,582
♪ Can't stop, boop-bop
boom-ba-da-bam
409
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,620
♪ Hear those trombones
bursting apart
410
00:15:39,758 --> 00:15:42,588
♪ Come, come, come,
come, let us start
411
00:15:42,726 --> 00:15:44,107
♪ Everybody's doin' it
412
00:15:44,245 --> 00:15:45,591
♪ Everybody's doin' it
413
00:15:45,729 --> 00:15:47,973
♪ Everybody's
doin' it now ♪
414
00:15:50,976 --> 00:15:52,460
Okay.
415
00:15:52,598 --> 00:15:54,704
All right, boys, take five.
416
00:15:54,842 --> 00:15:56,878
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
417
00:15:57,016 --> 00:15:58,535
Leon.
418
00:15:58,673 --> 00:16:01,193
Down. Down, uh, down.
419
00:16:01,331 --> 00:16:03,264
You're going down.
You got to... Up!
420
00:16:03,402 --> 00:16:04,610
♪ Everyone's doin' it ♪
421
00:16:04,748 --> 00:16:05,956
One more doin' it.
422
00:16:06,094 --> 00:16:07,130
Doin' it!
423
00:16:10,754 --> 00:16:13,032
Uncle Phil,
what is all this?
424
00:16:13,171 --> 00:16:14,931
The turkey trot.
425
00:16:15,069 --> 00:16:16,415
What about
the surgery?
426
00:16:16,553 --> 00:16:18,866
Surgery? No surgery.
What surgery?
427
00:16:19,004 --> 00:16:22,628
They prodded, they poked,
they manipulated digitally.
428
00:16:22,766 --> 00:16:23,733
Woof!
429
00:16:23,871 --> 00:16:25,183
What'd they find?
430
00:16:25,321 --> 00:16:26,874
Zip. Zero.
431
00:16:27,012 --> 00:16:28,220
Nothing!
432
00:16:29,463 --> 00:16:31,361
Nothing!
What about the pain?
433
00:16:31,499 --> 00:16:32,500
Gas.
434
00:16:33,467 --> 00:16:36,780
A humongous
rogue bubble...
435
00:16:38,334 --> 00:16:40,405
Of trapped gas,
436
00:16:40,543 --> 00:16:43,546
and it left as silently
as it came.
437
00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:46,514
In the night.
438
00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:48,689
Here's your bag,
Mr. Buchman.
439
00:16:48,827 --> 00:16:50,277
Oh, Skippy.
440
00:16:50,415 --> 00:16:51,899
Here, thanks for everything.
441
00:16:52,037 --> 00:16:53,521
Buy yourself a Swatch.
442
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,527
Wow. [CLEARS THROAT] Phil,
we're so happy to hear
that you're feeling better,
443
00:16:59,665 --> 00:17:02,012
you know? Because we actually
wanted to talk to you
about something.
444
00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:03,773
This isn't mine.
Oh, what the hell?
445
00:17:03,911 --> 00:17:05,602
Yeah. We, um...
446
00:17:09,330 --> 00:17:11,090
We wanted to talk to you
about something.
447
00:17:11,229 --> 00:17:13,023
You know,
about the name.
448
00:17:13,161 --> 00:17:14,473
The name, the name.
449
00:17:14,611 --> 00:17:15,647
Yeah,
Deuteronomy.
450
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,580
The name.
Yes, Deuteronomy.
451
00:17:17,718 --> 00:17:19,685
We're a little concerned.
It's, um...
452
00:17:19,823 --> 00:17:21,031
It's a little, uh...
453
00:17:21,169 --> 00:17:22,516
Here's the thing.
454
00:17:22,654 --> 00:17:24,656
It's not very common.
Yeah.
455
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:25,760
Common.
456
00:17:25,898 --> 00:17:27,106
If you want common,
457
00:17:27,245 --> 00:17:29,868
you name a kid Joe,
you name a kid John.
458
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:32,940
The kid goes
to a picnic,
459
00:17:33,078 --> 00:17:35,667
"John, your sandwich
is ready."
460
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,807
Forty kids
run up to get
that sandwich.
461
00:17:37,945 --> 00:17:39,740
You name the kid...
Excuse me.
462
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:43,882
You name the kid
Deuteronomy,
463
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:46,229
"Deuteronomy,
your sandwich
is ready."
464
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:49,301
Your kid's getting
that sandwich.
465
00:17:49,439 --> 00:17:51,303
You make a very
strong point.
PHIL: Of course.
466
00:17:51,441 --> 00:17:53,616
It's just that
we're concerned...
467
00:17:53,754 --> 00:17:54,927
This isn't mine either.
468
00:17:56,653 --> 00:17:58,552
What the hell?
469
00:17:58,690 --> 00:17:59,898
This is mine.
470
00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:03,557
We're just afraid
that the kid
will get teased.
471
00:18:03,695 --> 00:18:05,041
I mean, didn't you used
to get teased a lot?
472
00:18:05,179 --> 00:18:07,146
Yeah, we all get teased.
473
00:18:07,285 --> 00:18:08,493
You get teased
a little bit. So what?
474
00:18:08,631 --> 00:18:10,046
It's no big deal.
475
00:18:10,184 --> 00:18:12,428
I used to come
home from school
as I was walking home,
476
00:18:12,566 --> 00:18:13,877
I'd hear,
"Dooty, Dooty."
477
00:18:14,015 --> 00:18:15,189
See?
478
00:18:16,155 --> 00:18:18,088
"There's no dooty on you.
479
00:18:18,226 --> 00:18:20,746
"Is there any dooty on-a me?"
480
00:18:20,884 --> 00:18:23,404
You know?
I got it. I got it.
Yeah.
481
00:18:23,542 --> 00:18:24,923
Then they'd
shove a little,
they'd push.
482
00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:26,165
I'd push,
they'd shove.
483
00:18:26,304 --> 00:18:27,512
We'd shove,
we'd hit.
484
00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:28,961
There'd be
a lot of hitting,
485
00:18:29,099 --> 00:18:30,100
and they'd smash me,
486
00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:31,378
and then they'd
take off my hat,
487
00:18:31,516 --> 00:18:32,862
and they'd all
spit in it,
488
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,795
which wasn't fun.
489
00:18:34,933 --> 00:18:36,314
And finally,
one day I said,
490
00:18:37,522 --> 00:18:39,075
"This is it,
I've had my fill!"
491
00:18:40,145 --> 00:18:41,629
And it hit me.
492
00:18:42,837 --> 00:18:44,805
Phil.
That's a good name.
493
00:18:44,943 --> 00:18:46,979
So I took Phil,
494
00:18:47,117 --> 00:18:49,257
and I discarded
Deuteronomy.
495
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:50,914
Exactly.
496
00:18:51,052 --> 00:18:53,676
Yeah. So given all that,
497
00:18:53,814 --> 00:18:56,092
I guess you'd agree...
498
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:57,300
We don't want to name him
Deuteronomy.
499
00:18:57,438 --> 00:18:59,682
You can't name this kid
Deuteronomy.
500
00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:01,718
What are you, nuts?
501
00:19:01,856 --> 00:19:04,169
I was on pain killers.
I was delirious.
502
00:19:04,307 --> 00:19:05,688
What's your excuse?
503
00:19:05,826 --> 00:19:06,999
Well, we wanted...
We just wanted...
504
00:19:07,137 --> 00:19:09,416
Shame on you.
505
00:19:09,554 --> 00:19:11,590
But I love you both
so much
506
00:19:11,728 --> 00:19:14,179
for going along
with that name
for so long.
507
00:19:14,317 --> 00:19:15,939
It's settled, then.
We won't name him
Deuteronomy.
508
00:19:16,077 --> 00:19:18,563
No Deuteronomy.
No Deuteronomy.
Firm embrace!
509
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,358
Firm embrace.
510
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,431
Thank you so much.
You, listen,
511
00:19:24,569 --> 00:19:26,122
good to see you up.
You feel well.
512
00:19:26,260 --> 00:19:27,848
I love you both
very much.
513
00:19:27,986 --> 00:19:29,090
JAMIE: We love you, too.
514
00:19:29,228 --> 00:19:31,092
If it's a boy, name him
anything you want.
515
00:19:31,230 --> 00:19:32,231
Thank you, Uncle Phil.
516
00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:34,026
PHIL: But if it's a girl...
Yeah?
517
00:19:34,164 --> 00:19:35,890
I'd love you to name it
after my mother.
518
00:19:36,028 --> 00:19:37,202
Um...
519
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:38,410
PHIL: Her name was Rose.
520
00:19:38,548 --> 00:19:40,239
Rose. Rose.
521
00:19:40,378 --> 00:19:41,344
That's actually
kind of sweet.
522
00:19:41,482 --> 00:19:42,794
Rose is
a very pretty name.
523
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,278
We'll definitely
think about it.
524
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:45,555
We're gonna think about it.
We'll think
about Rose.
525
00:19:45,693 --> 00:19:48,040
Actually, Rose
wasn't her real name.
526
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,254
JOAN: So, when the baby
reaches five or six pounds,
you can...
527
00:19:55,393 --> 00:19:56,704
What?
528
00:19:56,842 --> 00:19:57,947
What are you
smiling at?
529
00:19:58,085 --> 00:19:59,224
The way you say
"the baby."
530
00:19:59,362 --> 00:20:00,467
"The baby."
531
00:20:00,605 --> 00:20:03,193
So as to not give away
any gender information.
532
00:20:03,331 --> 00:20:05,126
Very deft.
Well, I do this a lot.
533
00:20:05,264 --> 00:20:06,990
Well, you can stop
doing it with us.
534
00:20:07,128 --> 00:20:08,198
I can?
535
00:20:08,336 --> 00:20:09,683
We know it's a boy.
536
00:20:09,821 --> 00:20:11,961
You do?
Paul saw a penis.
537
00:20:12,099 --> 00:20:13,341
JOAN: I'm sorry?
538
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,757
The other day
when you were
doing the thing.
539
00:20:14,895 --> 00:20:15,999
The ultrasound.
540
00:20:16,137 --> 00:20:17,829
I know we said
we weren't gonna look,
541
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,418
and I didn't mean to, but I
just did a little space
between my fingers,
542
00:20:20,556 --> 00:20:21,936
and I looked,
and there it was.
543
00:20:22,074 --> 00:20:23,144
You saw a penis.
544
00:20:23,282 --> 00:20:24,456
PAUL: Yes, ma'am.
545
00:20:24,594 --> 00:20:26,113
Big expert
penis spotter, are ya?
546
00:20:28,322 --> 00:20:29,875
Well, I do all right.
547
00:20:30,013 --> 00:20:31,083
Show me.
548
00:20:31,221 --> 00:20:32,360
Seriously?
549
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:33,776
If you please.
550
00:20:33,914 --> 00:20:36,192
Look. There's our baby.
551
00:20:36,330 --> 00:20:38,436
Healthy baby?
Very healthy.
552
00:20:38,574 --> 00:20:40,161
He won't always be
transparent, right?
553
00:20:40,299 --> 00:20:41,956
No.
554
00:20:42,094 --> 00:20:43,475
Right there.
555
00:20:44,649 --> 00:20:46,582
There?
556
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,515
I'm sorry.
Right there. Look.
557
00:20:48,653 --> 00:20:49,895
You sure?
558
00:20:50,586 --> 00:20:51,966
Yeah. Look.
559
00:20:52,104 --> 00:20:54,555
Right there. One, two,
three, four, five.
560
00:20:55,142 --> 00:20:57,178
Five penises.
561
00:20:57,316 --> 00:20:58,559
Boy, Look out
for this kid.
562
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:03,012
It's a foot,
isn't it?
563
00:21:03,150 --> 00:21:04,738
Hand.
564
00:21:04,876 --> 00:21:06,015
You didn't see
a penis.
565
00:21:06,153 --> 00:21:07,257
Hand.
566
00:21:08,673 --> 00:21:10,329
Is it possible his hand
is on his penis?
567
00:21:12,193 --> 00:21:15,645
Hand, hand,
and nothing
but a hand.
568
00:21:15,783 --> 00:21:17,682
You can't see it
in this picture,
but I'm telling you,
569
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,960
the other day
that kid was happy
to see somebody.
570
00:21:22,825 --> 00:21:24,171
So this means
it's a girl.
571
00:21:24,309 --> 00:21:25,448
Nope.
572
00:21:25,586 --> 00:21:26,967
It's a boy.
Nope.
573
00:21:27,968 --> 00:21:29,107
Is it an owl?
574
00:21:30,211 --> 00:21:32,110
Seriously. Tell me.
I won't be mad.
575
00:21:32,248 --> 00:21:34,492
Do you want to know?
Do you really want
to know?
576
00:21:34,630 --> 00:21:36,666
Actually, I don't
want to know.
No, wait a second.
577
00:21:36,804 --> 00:21:38,254
Last time you didn't
want to find out,
and I did,
578
00:21:38,392 --> 00:21:39,497
and you steamrolled me.
579
00:21:39,635 --> 00:21:40,601
I get to vote
this time.
580
00:21:40,739 --> 00:21:42,327
I'm saying...
I'm taking charge.
581
00:21:42,465 --> 00:21:44,156
I'm saying,
no, we're not gonna
find out.
582
00:21:44,294 --> 00:21:45,399
Oh, well,
all right, then.
583
00:21:45,537 --> 00:21:46,780
Okay.
Okay.
584
00:21:46,918 --> 00:21:48,160
Then, let's weigh you and take
your blood pressure.
585
00:21:48,298 --> 00:21:49,403
Okay.
586
00:21:54,753 --> 00:21:55,996
That's a penis.
587
00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:06,903
My favorite name for a girl
has always been, always,
588
00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:08,180
since I'm 14,
589
00:22:08,318 --> 00:22:09,906
has been Trixie.
590
00:22:10,044 --> 00:22:11,563
I love that name.
591
00:22:11,701 --> 00:22:13,116
Dixie's good, too,
but Trixie's better.
592
00:22:13,254 --> 00:22:15,671
JAMIE: Uncle Phil,
it's hard for us
to commit now.
593
00:22:15,809 --> 00:22:17,569
Louise is not
a bad name.
594
00:22:17,707 --> 00:22:19,088
Think about Louise.
595
00:22:19,226 --> 00:22:23,092
♪ Every little breeze
seems to whisper Louise
596
00:22:23,230 --> 00:22:26,267
♪ Birds in the trees seem
to czzk-pfllt Louise ♪
41337
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