Original subtitles

Can you put eggs in the microwave?

[THUDDING]

[BEEPING]

No.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

PAUL: So, Professor Tomassi, how'd you like my documentary?

PROFESSOR TOMASSI: Your film? Buchman? Yes.

Did you... Did you get a chance to watch it?

Yes, I did.

And?

Truthfully? Please.

I thought it was wonderful.

Oh! Get outta here!

Oh, yes, I found it to be very moving,

well-paced... Oh, good.

Marvelously spirited... Good, good.

I cared about all the characters.

Good, good, good.

And I found your editing very judicious.

[EXHALES] Boy, coming from you, that is high praise indeed.

No, no, no... Oh. And... And the music?

Oh, I thought the music was wonderful!

Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

Boy. Well, uh, shoot me now,

'cause that's all I need to hear. [BOTH CHUCKLING]

I... I thought there were a few patches near the beginning of the film

that you might want to look at again.

Yeah, well, you know, 'cause it's not totally finished yet.

Oh, I understand. And... You know... Especially the beginning.

I mean, that's the area, oddly enough I'm... I'm just playing with.

In fact, it's only just a few minutes, really. Right at the beginning.

Just the... Okay. Yeah, yeah, sure. Of course. Little bit...

Uh, but basically...

Basically, I thought it was a brilliant film.

Okay. Good, good, good, good.

Well, Professor Tomassi, thank you so much.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yes?

Professor, can I talk to you before class today?

I will be with you in just a minute.

Say hello to my favorite student of all time...

Paul Buchman.

Hi. How you doing?

Watch classic films and remember...

Emulate, but never imitate.

Hi. Oh, sorry I'm late.

So, what did he say?

Okay. Ask me how much he liked it.

JAMIE: How much did he like it? This much!

Yay!

Who? My professor. My... My mentor.

All, right, Paul. Your mentor loved your movie?

This is what I'm saying.

Are you looking for an onion bagel?

Uh-huh. Ah, whatever.

I ate it. That's ok.

I ate two of them. That's fine.

Three, three and a half. I ate three and a half onion bagels.

Is that a problem? It's really not.

You know I'm pregnant. I understand.

Hey, Jamie, did you ever wear that sweater I got you?

What sweater?

You know, that one I bought you.

The white one with the baby face embroidered on the belly.

Yes, yes, yes. Of course I wore it. It looked great.

You really wore it?

Yes. I wore it several times to the office.

I wore it to a party we went to last weekend...

At some friends' house in New Jersey.

What?

You did not.

Yes, I did. Liar!

I love the sweater. I wore it over and over...

James... All right. It's not my favorite sweater.

It's okay. I wanted to like the sweater.

Hey, you know what? It's no big deal.

I just kinda find it sweet that you feel you have to lie about it.

It wasn't a lie. I was just being nice.

Was that a lie? [DOOR BUZZES]

Uh... No.

I gotta say, when you start making up friends in New Jersey,

it's pretty close to a lie.

Hey, Nat.

Hey, there. Ho, there.

JAMIE: Hi, Nat. [MURRAY BARKS]

Hey, there's Mr. Murray. There's Murray Antoinette.

There's my Murray Magdalene.

Good boy.

Nat, would you like something to eat?

Oh, no, thank you.

I just had a short stack of flapjacks.

Okay. You know everybody. Lisa... Hey there.

JAMIE: Ira. Ho there.

Hey, Nat. How's it going?

Oh, real good, thank you. Very good, knock on wood.

Uh, I'm particularly ebullient this morning,

'cause my sister Dorie... Bless her heart...

I call her Dorie. Her true given name is Doris.

She's staying with me in town for a few days. So...

Where's she from?

Uh, she currently resides in Plattsburgh.

That's the northern part of New York state.

It's a real small hamlet, right off route 90.

Hey, licorice.

You know, interestingly enough,

she's very gifted, uh,

at astrological, um...

My sister, she gives advice to people

based on the configurations of their planetary, uh...

She's an astrologer.

That's exactly right.

Oh, oh, oh. Would she do my chart?

Uh, not sure about that. She's kinda here on vacation.

What is this? Is this some kind of fortune-telling, Nat?

Nah, it's a bit more scientific than that crystal ball crap-olay.

Do you know, I have never ever had my chart done.

Y'know, Mr. Buchman, under these conditions, you know,

perhaps my sister would be willing to do your chart.

Seeing as, you know, you're my employer and all that jazz.

Oh, sweetie, when are you gonna have the time?

How about later this afternoon?

Count me in, too. Really?

Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything.

Well, me, too. It was my idea.

I'd better jot all this down.

Heh. I got my whole life in this thing.

Put the three of us... You know what? Put her down, too.

No, no. I'm not doing it.

Why not? Because.

Put her down.

Honey, we were gonna go see that 2:30 movie.

So what? We'll go to a movie another time.

Put her down. Come on, this'll be fun.

Okey-dokey. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got an antsy pooch on the line here.

[MURRAY BARKS] Come on, Fred MacMurray.

Come on, Maria Shriver-Schwarzenegger.

Come on, Murray Schisgal.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, we weren't going to a 2:30 movie.

I'm pregnant. All right.

You see here? Mercury has been in retrograde.

Mercury has been in retrograde?

No wonder my life sucks!

Yeah, yeah, but check this out.

Mars and Venus are in superior conjunction,

both with the sun and each other.

Now, what that's telling me is you may find a...

A big change taking place in your life very soon.

A big change?

Menopause?

No, no. I don't think that's quite it.

What is it then?

I think it's just a matter of how you choose to perceive it.

How I have to choose to perceive it? Yeah.

What am I paying you for?

There are no planets in your seventh house.

Come on. You gotta be kidding me.

There must be one.

No. None.

And your Saturn has a negative aspect.

Boy, that can't be good.

What's that mean? Heartbreak.

You're in for some heartbreak, Ira.

You see, Dorie, now I know you're nuts,

because I'm not even going out with anybody.

Well, I don't make this stuff up.

I know. I'm not doubting you,

but how the heck am I gonna find myself heartbroken

if nobody's anywhere near my heart?

I don't know what to tell you.

It's kind of ironic, too, you know?

How so?

You know, I'm not unattractive. No, you're not.

I'm not uninteresting.

Certainly not.

I'm not without a modicum of charm.

Not at all.

[CHUCKLES] I'd have to say you're quite the catch.

Really?

No, things look wonderful for the film,

especially around the 25th.

If you have any re-editing or anything to do,

the 25th is a very auspicious day.

Okay. Just out of curiosity, how does the 14th look?

I got a dental appointment.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Keep it. All right. Good.

Uh, listen. There is one thing I do have to mention.

Death? Is it early death? I knew it. I knew it.

No, no, no. No. It's just something you should be aware of.

Someone close to you might be experiencing some...

Intense feelings.

Perhaps anger, resentment, jealousy.

Perhaps directed at you.

Jealousy? Perhaps.

But who would be jealous of me?

I don't know. I couldn't say. Somebody in your world.

But it doesn't say?

No. It doesn't give names.

Initials? No.

Tattoo? No.

Scar? No.

Birthmark? No.

Just taking a wild guess here.

Is it bald British rocker seal?

So I admit I'm a little bit skeptical, but...

This is so strange. Well...

Something is not right here.

You say you were born February 18, 1963?

That's right. 4:30 a.m.

On the east coast?

Hartford, Connecticut.

Insurance capital of the world.

Yes.

I do read my horoscope sometimes in the paper,

and I have to say, it's never even been a little bit accurate.

Well, it's not the same as this.

No, I know. I'm sure they have to keep those things pretty general, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Even so, I'm an Aquarius. Yeah, I know.

And I've read descriptions

of what Aquarians are supposed to be like,

and it's never even been remotely like me.

Yeah, I know.

Huh. What?

Can I ask you a question? Yes.

Are you being honest with me?

Uh, yes. I think I'm being very honest with you.

Well, because from what I'm reading here,

the truth seems to present quite an obstacle to you.

Excuse me?

Well, let me just try to rephrase this.

Do you find that you are...

Uncomfortable with certain aspects of truthfulness?

I'm quite comfortable with truthfulness, thank you.

You know what?

I don't think this is gonna work out.

What do you mean?

I mean... I can't read your chart.

Why not? You read everyone else's chart.

Why can't you read mine? Yeah, well.

That's what you do! Yeah, it is, but...

You got the printout right in front of you.

Why can't you just tell me what it says?

Because it's all lies, okay?

It's the chart of a liar.

A liar?

Yeah, a liar. I... I...

The chart says very clearly.

You are a liar.

I'm not a liar. How dare you call me a liar?

It's not me. It's the planets. Here, take a look.

I don't have to look at this thing. It's ridiculous.

You are a liar, a terrible liar,

and you are wasting my time.

Hah! I'm wasting your time?

You know what? I really, I...

I would like you to leave now.

Hah!

Believe me... No problem.

Did you have a good session there, Mrs. Buchman?

PAUL: Murray!

It was you!

You!

Murray's jealous of me. Murray's jealous.

Think about it. I got everything he wants.

I got food and pants.

[DOOR BUZZES] JAMIE: Oh, stop it.

Nat! Hey there.

[SADLY] Ho there.

Nat, what are you doing here?

Well, uh, very much to my dismay, Mrs. Buchman, um...

After what I witnessed earlier today at my sister's,

I unfortunately feel that it would be best for everybody concerned

if I were to terminate my employment with you

as your canine leisure engineer...

Effective immediately, unfortunately.

Huh?

I quit.

What's this? Nat, are you sure?

I mean, your sister and I had a disagreement,

but that doesn't have to change things between us.

Point is, I'm very fond of my sister, Mrs. Buchman. JAMIE: Of course you are.

We're very, very close indeed. JAMIE: I'm sure.

And as fond as I am of you...

And believe me, I'm very, very fond of you, Mrs. Buchman...

Given a choice, I gotta go with my sister.

Yeah. Well, I understand that.

Well, you know, blood's thicker than water.

[STAMMERS] Yeah. I did go to great pains to avoid that particular cliche.

Nonetheless, it is true.

Very, very true. So, uh...

Good-bye, Mrs. Buchman. Good-bye.

Good-bye, Mr. Buchman.

Bye, uh, Natty.

Bye, Murray. [WHIMPERS]

Bye, Jim Murray. [WHIMPERS]

Bye, Murray, Murray, quite con...trary.

Man, I gotta get out of here,

or I'm gonna start bawling like a little baby boy.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Me? Oh, no, no.

Yes. If you hadn't sent me to see his cockamamie sister.

No, excuse me, if you hadn't had the chart of a liar...

I am not a liar.

Well, I don't know that I believe you.

IRA: Paulie, what did you do?

Tomassi said there were some rough patches in the beginning of the film.

So you tore your film apart?

I didn't mean to.

I was just playing with the beginning,

then I moved some of it to the middle.

Then I moved the middle to the end,

then I took a part of the end,

and I put it near the beginning of the middle.

What's this?

That's The French Connection. I don't know how it got in there.

I'll tell you, this is pathetic.

Hey, are you jealous of me?

No. You already asked me that.

You know who's jealous of you? Who?

This guy. This clown, Tomassi.

Get outta here!

Come on, think about it. You're living the life,

he's out there talking about it.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach.

So, you're saying that's why he...

Look at what he's put you through. The man is sick. Sick.

Tomassi? Tomassi. Tomassi is the one.

So it was Tomassi all along.

That's right, Paulie.

You do what you gotta do, my friend.

[KNOCK AT DOOR] Come in.

Paul.

Professor.

Have you taken another pass at this?

Yes, I have...

Based on your little note...

If that's what it was.

What else would it have been?

I don't know. You tell me.

You tell me. Oh, perhaps a feeble little jab?

A desperate pin-prick?

A pathetic cry for help?

Paul, what are you talking about?

I have to say, never, never in a million years

would I have guessed that you would be jealous of me.

I'm jealous?

You know, I mean... Okay, yes. On one level, I get it. Yes.

I'm out there, I'm doing it, I'm living it.

You're here. You're just talking about it. Okay.

Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach. I understand that.

But I always thought you, you were a bigger man than that.

I can't believe you're talking to me this way.

And you wanna know what gave you away? What?

It was your choice of feeble jab.

"The beginning has a few rough patches."

Come on! Am I stupid?

Do you think I'm stupid? This is perfect.

This film plays perfectly from beginning to end, smooth as silk.

There's nothing wrong with it. I know it, you know it.

But still, you had to find something...

Some little negative something

just to ruin my parade.

I am on to you, Professor.

No, I was just trying to be diplomatic.

The fact is, the whole first hour of this film

put me into a cinematic coma.

The exposition is boring,

the Ellis Island stuff is cloying,

and your mother is so far over the top.

Unless you want to be laughed out of every film festival

between here and Budapest,

I suggest that you edit this ponderous little home movie with a blowtorch!

And you're not just saying this because you're jealous?

Get out.

Big change, big change. Let's see...

Earth spins off its axis, and I'm the only survivor!

[GASPS]

Too big.

Girl, can you help me?

Oh, do you have a big change for me?

No.

Then I can't help you.

Ms. Stemple. Huh?

What are you doing?

I'm on my break.

We have customers waiting.

My astrologer told me I have a big change coming,

so I'm trying to figure it out, okay?

That's it.

What? You're fired.

I'm fired? You heard me.

That's it! That's what?

The big change!

Don't you see? It just happened!

Oh, my God!

Oh, that's such a relief. [CHUCKLES]

JAMIE: How'd it go with Tomassi?

Not a big hit.

Look at this.

It's my fourth grade science project.

What is it?

The planet Earth as it will appear in the year three million.

It's so small.

What is that?

Sweetie?

Look at this.

Birth certificate?

Isn't that weird?

Many people have them.

Look at the birthday.

"February 19th." Exactly.

Hey, that's not your birthday.

Exactly.

That's weird.

It's only off by one day.

It's my birthday.

[RINGS] [BEEPS]

Hello?

Hi, mom, it's me.

Oh, Jamie, honey, I'm so glad you called.

What's another word for finely sharpened?

JAMIE: Um... Honed?

No. Uh-uh. It's four letters.

Have you got any of them?

Yeah. Blank, blank, "e," "n."

Keen. Keen?

Mom, I just found my birth certificate

in all the stuff you sent me...

It is keen. Oh, that's great!

Yeah, because "Australian cuddly" is a koala,

which begins with the "K" from keen.

Oh, honey, thank you.

You are such a bright kid.

I love you. Bye-bye.

Wait, mom... Mom. [BEEPS]

[DIAL TONE]

[REDIALING] My mother hung up on me.

[RINGS] [BEEPS]

Hello?

Mom, listen. I came across my birth certificate

in all the stuff you sent me.

[STUTTERING] Yes?

Yeah. It says my birthday is February 19th.

Oh?

The hospital make a mistake or something?

Well, of course,

[STAMMERING] Of course, they made a mistake.

I mean, what other explanation could there be?

I don't know.

Don't you take that tone with me, young lady.

What are you talking about?

I did it all for you. You were starting preschool,

and the cutoff date was the 18th,

and you were too bright a kid to stay home for another year,

and so I fudged it.

You fudged my birthday?

Yes, I fudged it! I'm a fudger! Okay?

I knew you were going to find out eventually.

I just hoped that I would be dead by then.

Mom, what... What are you talking about?

Do you think it was easy, huh, for me, do you?

Watching you every year on your fudge birthday being so happy,

and then watching you on your actual birthday being nothing at all?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Please. I'm so sorry.

I won't ever do it again. Please forgive me.

Please?

I'm gonna have to call you back.

[PLEADING] I love you!

[PHONE BEEPS]

What?

I wasn't born on February 18th.

What are you talking about?

I was born on February 19th.

My whole life is a lie.

[STUTTERING] Wait a second.

Your whole life is not a lie.

I mean, come on. You're still you.

I've always felt like such an 18th person.

Well, maybe... Maybe you could feel like a 19th person.

My lucky number is 18. Change it to 19.

I always bet on 18.

Well, from now on, try betting 19.

Don't you see? This just changes everything.

It's not, you know... Well, look at the bright side.

Look at the bright side.

Maybe you're not a liar.

What are you talking about? What's her name? Dorie.

The reading. All based on the wrong birthday.

Maybe I'm not a liar!

Maybe. Ooh!

Where you going? Where you going?

I'm gonna go down there and tell little Miss Planet Head

that there's a very, very good chance

she's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Ooh! Do me a favor while you're down there.

Ask Dorie if it's possible, maybe, I don't know.

Is she possibly jealous of me?

Oh, God, this makes so much more sense.

Pisces.

Capricorn rising, moon in Capricorn.

So much better.

So it doesn't say I'm a liar?

No, quite the contrary.

Really?

So you were wrong.

Yes, I was.

A-ha.

You know, in fact, the truth is,

you're quite an honest person.

Yes, I am.

I mean, according to your real chart, you're extremely kind.

Well, whatever. It's nice of you to say.

No, I'm not saying anything. It's all right here.

You're intelligent, you're a sensitive listener,

and you have a lot of charisma.

Well, maybe I... People are drawn to you, aren't they?

Not everybody, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're very insightful.

And you have the capacity to inspire multitudes

with your... Your vision and your flair.

Well, I...

I gotta say, it's...

Pretty amazing. This astrology stuff's incredibly accurate.

Ooh! Jeez Louise in a handbag!

This is, uh...

Quite a surprise.

Come on in. Come on.

It was all a big misunderstanding.

Oh, get out!

It was, Nat. In fact,

would you consider coming back and working for us again?

Murray really misses you.

Oh, and I him. Are you joshing me?

But, Dorie, are the planets favorable to that decision?

I am!

Good enough for me, yeah?

Would you mind putting my perishables away for me?

I'd like to get over there and see him right now.

You mind if I... I'd to see him right now.

I have no job, and I have no money.

I don't really care.

I hate big change!

Listen, I got screwed by this whole astrology thing good too.

I went and barked at a perfectly nice professor for no reason.

Plus, I never even got to figure out who was jealous of me.

That's because nobody was jealous of you.

What do you mean? Paulie, come on.

This whole astrology thing, it's a crock.

I'm sorry. I mean, look at me.

I got off scot-free.

Dorie says, what, "You're gonna be heartbroken, Ira."

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, right.

Like, how heartbroken am I?

Well, she was a nice girl, though. Actually, I'm gonna miss her, you know.

There was something about her, you know?

You don't often see girls like that in the city.

My luck she lives so far away, right? [CHUCKLES]

Because, you know, actually, there...there...

There, actually, there could have been something there... Oh, my God!

PAUL: What?

I am heartbroken.

All right. Now, come on.

Now you're reading into it.

No, Paulie, I'm not gonna see her again, am I? Listen to me.

No, she could have been the one. I don't think so.

Looks like I can't even eat.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, please tell me there's eggs benedict left.

Two eggs, both benedict.

Excellent.

Oh, God, you're drinking cappuccino. I'm so jealous!

Murray, you are very loyal.

That's true. You are loyal.

Your needs are simple. Your love is unconditional.

Well, this is uncanny, huh?

But at times, you feel taken for granted.

Is that true? You feel like that?

This angers you. This angers you a lot,

but you have a hard time expressing your feelings.

Wow. Who doesn't, huh?

But you're surprisingly instinctive, and you have no pretensions.

This is what draws people to you.

Wow, she got you pegged, huh, Murray?

Let's take a look at your career.