Original subtitles

♪ Big-boned and bitter

♪ I never should've quit her

♪ I just walked away that night at the bar

♪ I left her standing 'cause she was so demandin'

♪ And I wrote this here song on my guitar ♪

Who sings that song again?

That song?

I like that song. Who sings it?

I do.

What do you mean, "I do"?

I just wrote it.

You did not.

Yeah, just walkin' through the apartment right now.

♪ Big-boned and bitter ♪

Wait. You just made that up?

I swear.

Pretty catchy, huh?

Very catchy.

Very catchy. Hmm.

Honey.

Yes, my darling?

You wrote that song? Yes.

Big-boned and bitter.

Who was that song about?

I just remembered. You know who wrote that? Willie Nelson.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, darling, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Sanford's father is buying you a house?

A very very big house.

That is quite a wedding present.

For my father, that's chump change.

That's a good chump. Yeah, so I don't know

what you and Paul were gonna get us,

but if it was gonna be a house,

we already have one.

And I just wrapped it.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

Man, it is rainin' out there.

How did the shoot go?

Totally rained out.

Oh, no.

I told him, "You know, it's gonna rain.

"We should shoot it inside."

I thought it wasn't gonna rain.

You would know that after all your years at the school of meteorology.

Hey, James. JAMIE: Hey.

So, how's the movie comin'?

You mean The Undersea World Of Paul Buchman?

Want to know what we learned today?

Why are you gonna bother these nice people?

If you're gonna shoot a movie outdoors in the pouring rain...

I thought it wasn't gonna rain.

You got to pay not only for the entire crew,

but, for the trucks and for the people you hire

to look after the trucks...

There wasn't that many people.

Even though you don't get to shoot a darn thing.

How much did you lose?

$9,000.

Oh, you poor thing.

I thought it wasn't gonna rain.

[SPLUTTERING IN KITCHEN]

What was that?

It's our refrigerator. It's breaking down.

Or coming to life. We're not sure.

So, that was my day. How was yours?

I didn't lose $9,000.

Can I help?

Can you help what? With money.

Oh, sweetie...

Sanford, that's very generous.

Aren't I marrying the sweetest man in the world?

I can't take your money.

Why not? Why not?

We're practically family. He's practically family.

It's not even my money. It's my father's money.

You know how much money his father has?

He's buying us a very big house.

Okay, if I may say,

that's an incredibly generous offer, Sanford,

but I'm not sure it's the greatest idea to mix business and family.

James, who are you, Michael Corleone?

'Cause we are, like, $13,000 over budget now.

Okay. It's only my opinion,

a little bit like this morning

when I said it looked like rain,

but what do I know?

[REFRIGERATOR SPLUTTERING]

We have to call Doug. All right.

Who's Doug? It's our handyman. He's amazing.

Could I get his number?

We have a dripping faucet that nobody can fix.

Uh... He's not that great.

Sweetie, will you get her the number?

It's up there on a card in my book.

Yeah, okay.

It's just that... Didn't he say he's not takin' on new patients?

Doug the handyman? Yeah.

No. I think he did.

What, are you afraid?

You think we're gonna steal your handyman?

[CHUCKLES]

I didn't say that.

Could you be more petty?

You know, it's, it's just that... Okay, here's the thing.

This is somebody that nobody really knows about

because we kind of discovered him,

and if we start givin' his name to everybody,

then, you know, we may not be able to get him when we need him.

He's a handyman.

My fiance is about to give you $9,000.

Which I appreciate, but come on...

A lot of people have $9,000, but a good handyman?

You never see that.

Paul, what's the matter with you?

Go give her the card.

All right, I'll give her the card.

Everybody jumpin' down my throat.

I'm just merely expressing my opinion here.

I don't think this is the wisest thing to do.

See, honey, this is a very good lesson for the kids,

for you youngsters,

this is how a marriage works, see?

I am giving you the number,

against my better judgment,

and I'm gonna take your money against hers.

PAUL: See, now, that's a beautiful, dry reshoot.

What did I tell you, Paulie? Sanford came through.

Hey, wait a second. Wait. What is that?

There's a scratch on the negative.

It's just a little scratch, that's all.

Little scratch? Looks like he was mauled by a bear.

This is unbelievable.

Well, okay. We gotta reshoot this. Yeah?

I can't use film like that.

Okay.

No, it's not okay. Where we gonna get the money for that?

It's no problem.

What are you doing?

I'm calling sugar daddy.

Who, Sanford?

No. One of the many other trillionaires that you know.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You think that's such a good idea?

Hey, Sanford. How you doin'? It's Ira.

Apparently you do.

Listen, uh...

I'm sorry to bother you again, man,

but we've run into a little snafu on the reshoot.

Hey, this is very distressing to us as well,

but, you know, San, San,

it's like nowhere else to turn,

you know what I'm sayin'?

How much? Um, $12,000.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no. By Hollywood standards,

I'm telling you, that's not that much.

I'm serious.

Yes, okay. I appreciate it.

Terrific. See you tonight?

Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

[LAUGHS]

It's like taking candy from an incredibly over-privileged baby.

Why did you do that?

So you could get the digital editing bay that you want.

I don't need a digital editing bay.

Did you not say all day yesterday

that your movie would be a lot better if you had one?

Yeah. You know what else would be nice?

Robots of my entire family.

Let's call him back, get some money for that.

Come on. The guy's got, like, $12,000 cash in his car ashtray.

Just feels wrong somehow.

He wants to do this.

Plus, every time he gives me more money,

I'm more beholden to his father.

Bill Holden?

Beholden. Beholden. I'm more beholden.

You're not beholden.

I am. I'm beholden.

Beholden and I don't like it.

What did you say to him? We gotta go see him tonight?

Yeah. We gotta talk to his dad

one more time about the project before he invests some more.

There you go. You see that? Beholden.

And now I gotta go sing for my supper?

Nobody's singing, Paulie.

Yeah. I gotta go sing for my supper

and suck up to his father.

I'm singin' and suckin' and beholden,

that's what I am.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING] Just a minute.

You're Doug?

Yeah.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

No. I followed the directions you gave me.

I got here without incident.

Good.

Um, oh, excuse the mess.

Mess? Oh, uh, don't worry about it.

So, you've got a drip.

Uh-huh. In here.

I was just trying to fix it.

Nice work.

Well, I have this book.

Books are good. I'm...

Better.

Let me see what the problem is.

There's only one way to make money in movies.

In video, right?

Nah, ice.

Ice? Yeah.

I used to be the exclusive distributor

of urinal ice for the entire Lowe's chain.

There's a pretty picture.

I made a fortune.

Yeah. And that was before the advent of the 32-ounce soda cup.

You must be very proud.

Hey, good movies, bad movies,

they all gotta pee.

Boy, oh, boy, could I use a stiff drink.

Here, baby.

Uh, no, thanks. I can't.

Why? Because of the pregnancy? Yeah.

Ah, come on. Don't believe everything you read.

A little drink never hurt anybody.

It's certainly bringing out the best in you.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry I'm late.

Hey. Hi, Lise.

Why's your hair all wet?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, no reason.

Just showered.

It's not.

Are you okay? Yeah, sure. I'm fine.

Are you sure? Yes, positive.

Why are you interrogating me?

You know, I... I want to say...

PAUL: [STAMMERS] We... I have to say...

Go ahead.

No, no. You go.

Please, I insist. You go.

All right.

I've fallen in love with Doug the handyman,

and I want to call off the wedding.

Boy, that beats what I was gonna say.

PAUL: How did we break a brand-new machine?

Okay, that's it. I'm making a call.

No, no, no, don't. Please don't. Shut up, will you?

Don't call him.

Hey, Sanford. How are you, my friend?

You got him on the speed dial?

Just tell him forget it. [SHUSHING]

Uh, Sanford, listen, this is the last time. I promise you.

I don't think this is right. This is not right.

He's goin' for it. How much?

$22,000. Yeah.

Look, Sanford, this is show business, you know, things happen.

You know what? Tell him forget it.

There's other ways to raise money.

Would you just be quiet? We'll wash cars.

I'm trying to have a conversation. We'll sell cookies.

Shut up! You shut up.

Yeah, it's me. Yeah. You will?

Oh, Sanford, you don't know.

I am forever grateful, and I can speak for Paulie, so is he.

And, San, chin up, huh?

It's not right. You can't just call the guy

every time every little thing goes wrong.

Apparently I can.

It's just very uncomfortable for me.

He's my brother-in-law.

Not anymore.

But... Come on. He's my former nearly brother-in-law,

once removed by a handyman.

You know what your problem is? You're too sensitive.

It's not just that. His father...

His father is not the kind of guy

who's gonna take his son's broken heart lying down.

Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?

I don't. His father is...

What's that story with the guy Faust?

Faust? The quarterback for the Chargers?

Yeah, that's the story I'm talkin' about,

the guy from the Chargers.

You know what your problem is, Paulie?

Did my problem change already so fast?

You worry too much.

You should save your worrying

for something really bad that happens in your life, okay?

Paul Buchman? Yeah.

What is this?

We have an injunction here on behalf of Zigmund I. Klarik

to seize all properties related to the production

of the documentary motion picture Buchman.

Now, wait a minute. He can't do that.

You would know.

Sanford's father took my movie.

How stupid was I to sign that thing?

I can't believe I signed it.

It's like that story... What's that story,

with the guy Faust, and he sells his soul to the devil,

and before he realizes how stupid it was, it's too late?

Faust? Faust. Yeah, it's like that.

He took my movie.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

So why don't you talk to him?

Oh, I'm gonna.

I've gotta figure out what my approach is gonna be.

He's got my life's work in his hands.

It's gotta be handled very delicately.

Should I bring him a small cake?

Doug the handyman. Hey, Mr. Buchman.

Oh, boy, Doug. Are we glad to see you.

Actually, Mrs. Buchman,

I just came by to pick up Lisa.

Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug the handyman!

That's nice.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Okay, okay.

Doug, you think while you're here,

maybe you could just take a look at the refrigerator?

A small... A quick glance?

Let's leave them alone.

Can I say one thing to you?

Yes? Don't lend out the handyman.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

No. No. Stop.

[MUSIC STOPS]

What, is this too weird for you?

Do you want to go back to the washroom?

No.

I love Sanford.

I've made a terrible mistake.

Hey, hey, hey, Paulie. Don't be nervous.

There's no reason to be nervous.

We'll finesse him.

That's right, a little finessement.

He got mad, he took our movie,

we'll get him not mad, we'll take our movie back.

Maybe we should've brought him offerings.

Offerings? Like what?

I don't know. Cake?

The man has his own baker on the premises.

What's he gonna do with an outside cake?

Listen, the important thing is, you and I,

we both just maintain our dignity.

At all costs. You nervous? A little bit.

All right, I got 10 minutes between board meetings.

I gotta call Japan. That's four minutes.

I gotta do the treadmill for at least six.

You know what? I have no time.

Uh, Mr. Klarik... What? What?

Um, how you doin' there, Mr. Klarik?

That's a pretty snazzy suit there, Mr. Klarik.

What do you want?

Okay, Mr. Klarik...

Mmm-hmm.

We're all friends here. Mmm.

I don't want this to have to get ugly.

Mmm. Mmm. You know,

I was once playing poker with Nelson Rockefeller.

I had this terrific hand.

Four eights.

Count. Four.

So I kept betting,

but he kept seeing me and raising,

seeing me and raising.

I said, this son of a bitch

has either got a straight flush or bubkus.

But I thought to myself,

"No, he's just trying to bluff me."

So, I called him.

Yeah? What'd he have?

Same thing you got.

What, bubkus?

No, we don't have bubkus, Mr. Klarik.

Mr. Klarik, look... No, you look.

I have a legal document

which you signed saying the movie is mine.

Now, look, I don't care about your movie.

I might take a roll of the film,

put a buckle on it, and make into a belt.

But the point is,

the movie is mine to do with what I want.

And then what? What happens then? We're gonna go to court?

Who wins there? Lawyers? Accountants?

No, I do.

Mr. Klarik.

What?

Please, please give me the film back.

Hey. No, come on. Stop that.

What are you doing?

PAUL: How does food go bad so fast?

Mmm, mmm.

You should try the chicken nuggets

with the chocolate ice cream.

You're like a catfish.

What?

We had a kid in seventh grade,

we used to pay money to watch him eat like this.

I can't help it.

I mean, I eat this way when I'm upset.

When's Jamie getting back?

I don't know.

I don't even know where she went.

Well, I need to talk to somebody.

I'm sure she'll be right back.

I just can't... I can't believe it.

I broke it off with Sanford

so I could be with Doug the handyman, right?

And then I realized... Huh!

I miss Sanford.

So I broke it off with him, right?

But now Sanford won't have anything to do with me,

and Doug won't have anything to do with me,

and I think I need a little help!

Any minute she'll be back.

Hi.

Hey, I'm naked in here, for God's sake!

I can see that.

How'd you get in here?

Well, let's put it this way,

the help doesn't like you, either.

All right. Just get out of here. Come on. Come on.

Actually, I think we need to talk.

Now? Yeah.

Where is she?

Uh, maybe in the incinerator room.

I'll go look.

I need to talk to my sister.

I know. I know you do.

Your sister, and nobody else will do.

Well, will you talk to me until she gets here?

Uh, yeah. I just... I just want to take out the garbage.

You know, I know what she'd say.

She'd say that

everything's gonna be okay

and that I'm a good person.

And it's not my fault, and, you know,

I'm gonna get over it.

Well, there you go. Then consider it said.

What would you say?

What's that?

What would you say?

I would say pretty much the same thing as Jamie would say.

Maybe in my own words.

What would those be?

The gist would be very much the same,

but maybe just the verbiage, so why worry about the verbiage?

I wanna hear it.

[PAUL SIGHS]

I would say...

Okay, I would say...

You're 35 years old,

and if you don't start acting like it,

then you're just gonna keep on hurting yourself

and hurting everybody around you and everybody around them

till there's, like, this big universe,

this Lisa universe of hurt with you in the center,

with us and everybody around just orbits,

orbiting around, like, with the moons and the planets

just orbiting around in pain forever.

That's not the same at all.

Listen, I'm sorry Lisa called off the wedding.

I thought she was going to be very happy with Sanford.

I always liked Sanford.

You want to marry him?

Paul didn't break up Sanford and Lisa.

Sanford and Lisa broke up Sanford and Lisa. Well...

Well...

Mostly Lisa.

And Doug the handyman helped, too,

but it certainly wasn't Paul.

It's not fair to blame him.

Look, I don't care about Paul's little movie,

and neither will anyone else,

but it's all I got to get those two together again.

I have no other leverage.

That's not leverage.

Sure it is. You're here.

You can't make these two people love each other.

Yes, I can.

And if you want Paul's movie back,

you'll help.

No, I won't.

Why not?

'Cause I don't have to.

I got leverage, too.

[SCOFFS]

What's your leverage?

I'm holding the drain plug.

You wouldn't dare.

Call my bluff and find out.

You want to see me naked?

Not especially, but that's how much I love my husband.

All right.

Go ahead. Pull the plug.

Okay.

[YELLING] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Well, we got a deal?

What are your terms?

Give my husband back his movie.

Not on your life.

Nice doing business with you.

[WATER DRAINING]

PAUL: My film.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's gorgeous.

I owe you one.

Truth is, you already paid me back with what you said to Lisa.

Ah, I'm very clever.

[REFRIGERATOR SPLUTTERING]

Okay. Can I just say I'm afraid of our refrigerator?

I feel like we're gonna wake up in the middle of the night

and it's gonna be standing over us.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

You know, yesterday, I tried to fix it.

It spit at me.

I walked... [IMITATES SPITTING] right here.

Doug the handyman. Our refrigerator is just going nuts.

You know, I hear they're having a big sale on appliances at Macy's.

You might want to check it out.

But, Doug...

You're our handyman.

That's why I came over.

I have to be honest.

I've been through a great deal of emotional upheaval lately,

and the truth is, I can trace it all back to the two of you.

I'm sorry, I can no longer be your handyman.

What are you saying?

Good-bye.

Doug.

But, Doug... Please don't go.

Please come back.

Can you recommend somebody?