Original subtitles

A, everything about it is appealing,

everything the traffic will allow,

and two, this is really what you gotta keep in mind,

nowhere can they get that happy feeling

when you are stealing that extra bow.

So what you're saying is,

there's no business like show business?

That's all I'm saying.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

I can't believe you bought all of these maternity clothes.

How long were you pregnant, like four years?

Okay, can I say something?

I know, it's the ugliest dress you've ever seen.

Pretty close. You won't care.

All right, now, come on, this,

this is very fetching.

Yeah. You wear it then.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

What the hell is that?

That's Ryan.

Doing what?

The violin, silly.

No, no, I knew it was a string instrument.

I just thought maybe it was a harp.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow.

His teacher says he's a regular Jascha Heifetz.

Was he good?

Ryan! Play the Mendelssohn!

RYAN: I don't know how.

Our kid could take violin lessons.

That would be great.

Hey! Ryan's class is having a recital next Friday.

You guys should come.

That could be fun. Yeah.

You know, I played in a recital when I was seven.

I played The Moonlight Sonata.

We got a letter from Beethoven's estate saying "cut it out"

Friday afternoon, I think we have that thing.

What thing? That thing with your parents.

My parents don't have a thing.

You know, you remember that thing.

They certainly don't have a thing in the middle of the day.

All right, we'll be there.

Oh, the thing.

With my parents.

Yeah. I'll just call and cancel it.

Ooh! This is the good part.

[VIOLIN PLAYS OFFKEY NOTE]

Oh, my God.

What?

Um, Fran, do you, do you think possibly

Ryan could take just a little break?

Maybe sort of like a medium-sized break?

Why, is it bothering you?

I... I just have a little headache.

From this?

It's Turkey in the Straw.

That is exactly it.

I've always had a problem with Turkey in the Straw,

even in the best of hands.

We saw Itzhak Perlman do it once with the Boston Pops.

I wanted to shoot myself. Remember, honey?

Remember, with your parents?

Yes, yes, I do.

Oh, well, in that case,

Ryan, take five!

[NOISE STOPS]

Oh, honey, look at the time.

We're gonna be late for therapy.

Hey, gots to have our therapy.

That's right. How is that going?

Great. Thank you for the recommendation.

Sheila is terrific.

Yeah. Well, for $80 an hour,

she ought to be.

Eighty bucks an hour?

Yeah.

Aren't we paying $100?

Yeah.

That's funny.

I am blind.

I am blind with rage.

You're not blind.

If I'm not blind, I'm certainly extremely nearsighted with rage.

It's a scam.

Do you see how it's a big scam?

One hundred bucks an hour.

It's not a scam. It's a scam. It is.

It's bait and switch. It's bunco.

What's bunco?

Technically, I don't know,

but I know it's related to this type of thing exactly.

Why wouldn't it be the same price for everybody?

I don't know. You'll have to ask Sheila.

Oh, believe me,

I'm gonna... I'm all over it.

I am all over it with Sheila, believe me.

Gonna talk to her.

You know, you are gonna have to apologize to Fran.

What?

I think you really insulted her.

How? When?

The thing with Ryan.

She knew exactly what you were saying.

No, she didn't.

Honey...

Itzhak Perlman, Turkey in the Straw?

It's possible.

Oh, no, honey, that's not possible.

She wasn't offended.

I don't have to apologize to her.

No. Well, that's you, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Sweetie, I love you, and you're great at many things.

But let's be honest,

you're not the world's best apologizer.

What are you talking about?

You're not. Come on, you know you're not.

You're not good at saying you're sorry.

You are not a good sorry-sayer.

You're not. I don't think in the entire time I know you

I've heard you say you're sorry.

That's not true.

All right, it's not true,

but the point is still, you know what I'm saying.

You don't like it. You don't like to say it.

You're not good at it.

When you do do it, you're a little perfunctory.

Are you saying that I have offended you in the past

by not apologizing?

Yeah.

Well, then let me say

from the bottom of my heart,

in all sincerity,

tough.

All right, where is my therapist?

This session was supposed to start 90 seconds ago.

Hundred bucks an hour. What's that?

She owes us a dollar and a half.

Paul. 'Course, if it were Fran, it would only be $1.10.

So, apparently, Paul thinks I'm a bad sorry-sayer.

I'm sorry?

You know, like I can't apologize.

Paul, is this true?

Yeah, but not so important

that we should be spending, what is it,

one hundred bucks an hour talking about it.

I happen to think I'm a very good apologizer.

For example... This is nice.

This is nice. Where'd you get this?

Italy. Italy?

That's an expensive trip, isn't it?

Bet you a lot of people had to come in here

and spill their guts to pay for that plane ticket.

Paul, is there anything...

You know what the funny thing is about plane tickets,

and I've always thought about this...

You know, you're on a plane, right,

and there are two people on the same plane

going to the same place,

and they're eating the same chicken and watching the same movie,

and yet they pay two different prices.

They pay two different prices for the same thing,

and to me, that never seemed right to me.

Does it seem right to you?

Honey... Hmm?

Is there something that you wanted to discuss with Sheila?

Um...

Okay.

Yeah, actually.

Um, we were talking, outside we were talking about this,

and, and, uh,

this is, I think it's important for me to say,

I, uh, it's hard, though.

Okay, um,

I come in here,

and I see you have these nice things

and you're going to Italy and everything like that

and then I see you have, pretty ring there.

Is that amethyst or something?

Whatever it is.

What am I trying to say?

Uh, I...

The point is, are, it's not the prin...

It is the principle. The principle bothers me,

but it's also I have to,

to answer your question, no, I'm fine.

Big man. All right.

Big man.

"Don't you worry, baby, I can talk to Sheila."

"Oh, Sheila, please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me."

Are you having an awful lot of fun?

I have never seen anyone cave like that in my life.

Okay, you know what? Here's an idea.

Why don't you take care of your own dysfunction.

I'll worry about mine.

Uh-huh. Tough talk when there's no therapist around.

I ain't scared of no therapist.

You are so scared.

Hey, if you want, I can apologize to Fran for you...

No, no, no. No thank you.

If you think you can't hack it.

No. Tomorrow at lunch

I'm going to give her a very nice, big fat apology.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Not that I think I need to apologize.

PAUL: There's a surprise.

Big man.

Okay.

Fran's standing us up.

You know why?

She's offended.

She's not offended. She said she was gonna be late.

That's her way of letting you know she's offended.

Oh, my God.

What? Is that Sheila?

Where?

Here's your check.

Yes, it is.

Oh, man.

Ho-ho.

Sheila.

Oh, yeah. She's paying, of course.

Why not? Hey, what's money

when you've got cash cows like us?

She's picking up the check.

I should talk to her.

Go ahead.

Oh, you don't think I will?

Uh-uh.

Okay, but here, here's the thing.

Uh-huh.

I... I don't think you're supposed to talk

to your therapist about therapy when you see them in public.

Who says?

That's just, you know, everybody knows that.

Big man.

What is she doing in public, anyway?

That's just disconcerting.

Listen, if you don't feel you can hack it...

All right, there you go.

Watch this.

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Try the veal piccata. It is...

Did you see that? She just blew me off.

She just totally blew me away there.

If I was waving a 20 or something,

maybe it was different.

You stood up. You gotta feel good about that. Right?

Why aren't you upset by this?

Maybe you're right. Maybe they're not supposed to make contact with us.

She... She's not an alien. She's just our shrink.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Oh. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, and who could blame you?

How are you? Good.

Are you, are you good? Yeah.

Ah, you're not tired or, offended or...

What?

Listen, Fran, um, before we order,

I would like to apologize.

For what?

I think I may have hurt your feelings yesterday.

Do you remember when Ryan was playing the violin

and I said it gave me a headache?

Oh, you didn't say it gave you a headache.

You said you had a headache.

Well, maybe that was it.

It gave you a headache?

Whatever. The point is,

I want to deeply and profoundly apologize

for any offense or hurt feelings I may have caused.

It was rude, it was thoughtless,

I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

So what you're saying is Ryan's playing gave you a headache?

Ryan was playing right around the time

that my headache was.

That is so mean.

I said I'm sorry.

I had no idea that's what you meant.

Hear that Paul, she had no idea.

Red snapper. They have it in here.

You know, maybe you shouldn't come to the recital after all.

Fran, please don't overreact to this.

He is a child.

No one's denying that.

He is doing the best he can.

Of course he is. It takes years to master the violin.

He's been playing for years.

Oh.

I'm not hungry. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go home.

Oh, Fran, come on. Hey, come on.

Franny, don't do...

Okay, but the apology itself...

Dynamite.

So, you do now admit

that Fran was not the least bit insulted,

so your advice was completely wrong,

and there was no need to apologize.

I do now admit that.

Why does that give me no satisfaction?

Because thanks to me,

you're in a heap o' trouble.

So, what do I do about it?

Well, I think you gotta apologize.

It would be so easy to kill you.

Relax, relax.

Let's think about this for one second.

What you said was not that insulting.

I don't think Fran is gonna be that upset.

I think you're wrong.

I think she's very upset.

Give me a little credit. I think I know a thing or two about people.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh!

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

JAMIE: Fran, are you there?

FRAN: What do you want?

JAMIE: I wanna talk to you, okay, Franny?

What?

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning.

I can see that.

Fran, I'm pretty sure it's clean.

Just say what you came to say, Jamie.

Okay. Listen.

I am terribly, frightfully sorry

for hurting your feelings

and for saying anything negative about Ryan's violin-playing.

You're my best friend. He's a great kid.

Not only that, he's gonna be a terrific violinist.

You really think so? Absolutely.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

I mean, listen to that.

I wish I could believe you, Jamie, but I can't.

You can, Fran. You really can.

No, I can't.

You can't stand his playing.

You know it, and I know it. [PLAYING STOPS]

No. No.

Ryan! Play it again!

RYAN: Can I have a drink of water?

You'll drink later!

[RYAN GROANS]

[PLAYING RESUMES] Come on, admit it.

No, I mean...

I mean, okay, you know, maybe I don't have

a mother's appreciation for it,

but that's to be expected, right? Ah-ha!

No, Fran, no "Ah-ha." I'm just saying that I'm not...

That it's horrible, that it's the worst thing you've ever heard,

and the only reason that I don't see it is

because I'm his mother, so I'm not objective.

No, no. Say it, Jamie.

Fran, I didn't... Say it!

Yes, yes, your son's a butcher.

He shouldn't be in the same room with a violin.

If you had any sense,

you'd march in there and rip it out of his stubby, little hands.

How you doing?

Ryan.

I'm not listening.

Ryan.

I can't hear you!

Ryan, come on.

La la la la la la! Can't hear what you're saying.

Ryan, you don't need to do that.

Ryan, please.

You called me a butcher.

My father's a butcher.

You said I had stubby, little hands.

I happen to like that in a musician.

Sure.

Okay, listen,

when I called you a snot-nosed little...

You never said snot-nosed.

I didn't?

You sure? Positive.

Oh, well, good.

Anyway, um, whatever I called you, it was wrong,

and I'm really sorry.

You're a wonderful violinist.

You play beautifully.

I'd love listening to you.

You do? Yes.

Really?

Really.

Would you like me to play something for you?

Sure. Like what?

Well...

All I know is Turkey in the Straw.

Well, you can't get enough Turkey in the Straw.

Great.

Let's play together.

Here's a tambourine.

Ready?

Yes.

Okay, guess what I just figured out.

What?

If Jamie and I go to therapy

twice a week for 73 years,

we will have spent $151,480 more than Fran

for the exact same thing.

Paulie, if only to spare me,

will you please talk to this woman?

I... I can't.

Why not? Because she's a, she's a shrink.

She's a professional. I'm nothing.

She'll wipe the floor with me.

She'll throw in a couple of "Mmm-hmms"

and "That's very interesting. How do you feel about that?"

Before you know it, I'm paying $300

and barking like a dog.

You're going about this all wrong, you know.

This woman, she's not your therapist,

she's your business partner.

I mean, this is a simple exchange of goods,

a little green for a little advice.

It's like me and Marvin.

I mean, I pay him a wage, and he provides me with a service.

It's not the greatest service,

but, then again, he doesn't make that much.

Five fifty an hour

and every now and then, a free hat.

All right. Okay, but now let's just say hypothetically,

what if you found out other stores

were paying guys like Marvin a dollar less?

Well, then I'd have two choices.

I could do absolutely nothing

and, you know, drive my friends and my family insane

with my compulsive behavior...

Stop right there. That's the one for me.

Or I could engage in a very simple dialogue

which would go something like this. Marvin. What?

Come here.

You play you and I'll play me. All right?

Marvin. Yeah, Boss.

Your new salary is $4.50 an hour.

[GASPS] No, no. I know.

It's all the market will bear, and frankly,

it's all that I'm willing to pay,

and if you don't like it, you can leave.

Wow. Boss,

I... I thought I could go on ripping you off,

but you're too smart for me.

You've found me out,

and in a way, I'm grateful,

liberated.

I could fly.

All right, all right, I think he gets it.

In the real world, I don't think it works exactly like that, guys.

Paulie, it's a morality play, okay?

It's pageantry. You simplify it for effect.

Am I right, Marvin? I thought I sold it.

Marvin, I was very touched by your whole performance.

The point is this,

in therapy, as in sporting goods,

the person with the dough always has the upper hand,

Paulie, and that, my friend, is you.

You're absolutely right.

You know, frankly, I'm tired of being intimidated by her.

Thank you, Ira. Thank you, Marvin.

Thank you, entire team of Buchman's Sporting Goods players.

I love theater.

Hey. Hi.

Paul. Didn't mean to scare you.

Didn't you?

No, not really.

Well, you didn't.

Okay, good. Listen...

Is there something I can help you with, Paul?

Ah, yes. We have a problem.

We have a big problem, actually.

We can talk about that on Tuesday.

Um, no. No?

We're gonna talk about it right now.

All right.

Jamie and I found out

that you charge us more than you charge your other patients.

That's true.

You're new, and I have new rates.

Oh.

Well, I don't like it. I... I... I don't like it.

It makes me...

Makes me angry. Uh-huh.

It makes me really angry.

I see.

Really, really angry.

That's good, Paul.

What's good? You're confronting me.

You're telling me how you feel.

I don't think you would have done that three months ago.

I might have. No, you wouldn't.

You would've dropped a few hints,

made a few passive-aggressive jokes,

but you wouldn't have told me, not directly.

This is very healthy.

Well, thank you, but I'm...

I am really still angry.

I know. I believe you.

Yeah. I think it's great.

This is very exciting. It's wonderful.

Thank you very much.

You're not all the way there, Paul,

but you're making real progress. Thanks.

I feel it, too. I've been feeling that I have,

and, I gotta say, Jamie, God bless her,

I don't think she's making the same progress.

Yes, well, ah, look, I have to go,

but I'll see you next Tuesday.

We'll talk more on Tuesday. Okay.

You know, Paul... Yeah?

If it's, uh, not uncomfortable for you and Jamie,

we should see about setting up an additional appointment

for you to start coming in alone.

Alone? Above and beyond,

hey, yeah, sure. Good, good.

Oh, she's good.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, now everybody's sorry, huh?

JAMIE: [ECHOING] Butcher.

Little snot-nosed,

rip that violin right out of his stubby little hands.

Little snot-nosed,

rip that violin right out of his stubby little hands.

Ryan?

Ryan?

[SPITS]

[CRYING AND YELLING]

Ryan.

Ryan, what are you feeling right now?

Ryan, for $120 an hour,

you should tell the woman what you're feeling.

[HUMMING TURKEY IN THE STRAW]

Sorry.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

All right, the hell with it.

[BOTH HUMMING TURKEY IN THE STRAW]