Original subtitles

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

What?

Huh.

That's all I'm saying.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah! ♪

All right, question.

Which voice do we like better to narrate Buchman?

Voice "A," which we'll call mellifluous and rich...

MELLIFLUOUS VOICE: [OVER TAPE PLAYER] It was in the summer of 1926,

selling towels at Lake Mo-Honkwa,

that Jules met and courted his future wife Evelyn.

A little too mellifluous? A little bit.

All right, now, voice two,

which we'll call friendly yet intelligent.

FRIENDLY VOICE: [OVER TAPE PLAYER] It was the summer of 1926,

selling towels at Lake Mo-Honkwa,

that Jules met and courted his future wife Evelyn.

[REWINDING]

It's maybe thin, a little thin?

It's kind of thin. A little thin.

[GRUNTING]

Are you sucking in? Yes, I'm sucking in.

You know, who I'd love to get to narrate

is that guy from Mighty Fine Chicken.

That guy, boy, he could sell chicken to

people that don't like chicken.

Oh! Damn it. PAUL: What's the matter?

I don't fit into these pants anymore.

Hey, sweetie, you know how many pants I have

that I don't fit into anymore?

Yeah. You're not getting fatter and fatter

for nine months in a row.

Sadly, that's not true.

Are you telling me there's nothing in the closet here?

I've tried them all, all the pants, all the skirts.

You know, they have stores that sell clothes.

You can buy from them.

All right, all right. I have a big shopping day with Fran and Lisa today.

Well, there you go.

Right after I have my talk with Brockwell.

Oh. You're going to tell him about the baby today?

Yes. It's going to be such a relief

to be out of the closet with this thing.

Good for you. You know what? You'll feel so much better...

Help me! All right, all right.

How do you think he's going to react?

Brockwell? Yeah.

He'll be thrilled. [GRUNTS]

He's an enlightened guy, he loves kids,

and he's going to love the PR angle

of his campaign chairman being an expectant mother.

Good. Assuming she can close her pants.

Tell the baby to inhale.

Sweetie, inhale so Mommy can leave the house.

Come on. Think thin.

[INHALES] Okay.

Thinner. I'm thinking thin!

Think a little thinner.

Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Yeah!

[BOTH PANTING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the zipper is closed.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Honey. Ah? Ooh!

Thank you very much.

Okay, I just spoke with the guy in Ed Koch's office.

And?

And he says Koch is not willing to endorse us.

[GROANS]

But he did give us what I consider a very interesting quote.

What?

He said that, "Independent candidate Lance Brockwell

"is entirely delectable."

What?

"Independent candidate Lance Brockwell..."

No, no, no. "Delectable"?

"Entirely delectable."

Do you think possibly he said "electable"?

Oh, that is so less interesting.

Call them back and confirm.

Jawohl, mein kommandant.

What? Calling them back.

Jamie, I thought you might be interested in this.

What is it? It's from La Guardia's niece.

La Guardia the mayor? Mmm-hmm.

Fiorello La Guardia had a niece Dorothy

who's 83 now, but she wrote some very lovely

and encouraging comments to us all.

Now, isn't that sweet?

It's very sweet.

It's not exactly the endorsement I've been praying for, but...

Jamie, La Guardia was enormously popular.

You know, during the fiscal upheaval of the Great Depression...

Lance...

It was "electable."

What?

Ed Koch says you are electable.

Really? [LAUGHS]

Well, that's certainly something, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it certainly is. Lance, could I speak with you

in your office for a moment? Sure.

Oh, this is very exciting news, Jamie.

I'm electable.

[LAUGHS]

You know, Ed Koch has enormous populist appeal.

He certainly does.

I think we need to court him, Jamie.

[LAUGHS] Ed Koch loves to be courted.

We can absolutely do that.

I'll start working on it this afternoon.

Meanwhile, there is some other interesting news.

Yes?

Um, well, it's not news to me, but it's news to you.

Oh, God. We're out of it, aren't we?

What?

Well, we always knew we had virtually no chance of winning,

so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, in fact, maybe even relieved.

No, no, no, no, Lance.

No, no, no. It has nothing to do with the campaign.

This is, uh, personal news. Oh.

It's great news, actually,

and I thought it was about time that I tell you.

I'm, uh,

pregnant.

You are?

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

That is wonderful!

Oh, that's just extraordinary!

[LAUGHS]

Now, listen, I don't want you to think for one second

that I am abandoning you. Oh, Jamie, please.

The baby isn't due until late spring,

and I plan to give you and this campaign everything I have,

just as I promised.

Jamie, I have absolute confidence in you.

Now, let's just take a moment and savor, shall we?

I mean, this is what life is all about.

Hey, everybody... Oh, listen, is it... Is it all right

if I share this with the staff?

Well, we're not really telling people yet.

That's not really true, is it?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You sure let it slip to me. Yeah.

I'm just not used to it yet,

but, uh, yes, all right, we're telling people.

I guess we are.

Well, may I? Yes.

Yeah!

Everybody, could I have your attention, please?

I have a very exciting piece of news.

Uh-oh.

Our esteemed campaign chairman

is expecting a baby.

That's great! WOMAN: Congratulations!

Jamie, that is wonderful!

Thank you.

Of course, of course.

That's why every time we need you the most,

you're off in the bathroom peeing.

It's wonderful!

And?

The story of America can be told in many ways.

Most simply, it's about people.

Families that came from other lands

to find their home on our shores.

Our story is about one such family.

The Buchmans.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Thank you.

Uh,Buchman is not so much a horror movie,

so I wonder, can you try it with a little less foreboding?

Maybe lose the sinister cackle?

No.

What do you mean, no?That voice is what I do.

It's my thing.

Is it your only thing?

Yes.

Thank you.

Did I get it?

We'll let you know.

You know what I think? What?

We ain't gonna find anybody.

I thought you wanted that chicken guy.

I called his agent. He wants $5,000.

A voice guy? Yeah. Voice-over's very lucrative business.

A lotta big celebrities do it.

Yeah? Like who?

Like, uh, you know the guy who says,

"This is CNN"?

James Earl Jones.

Darth Vader? Same guy.

[DEEP VOICE] This is CNN.

Luke, I am your...

[NORMAL VOICE] You're right. That is the guy.

Same guy.

You know what, though? He'd be good for this.

Oh, gee. Do you think so?

Yeah. Why don't you get him?

I can't even get chicken guy.

How am I gonna get James Earl Jones?

Call him up.

And say what? I dunno.

[DEEP VOICE] This is Paul Buchman.

[LAUGHS]

So you... You didn't like the short guy, huh?

What, the guy who whistled his "s's"?

Yeah. No.

I hardly noticed the s's. [WHISTLES]

Are you kidding me? Yeah.

[WHISTLING S'S] Sailor on an open sea surviving solely on soup?

It didn't bother me.

There were dogs in Virginia turning around.

You know something, Paulie?

If this is only a question of money,

I could lend you the dough to, you know, hire the chicken guy.

Ah, that's... No. I couldn't take your money.

Sure, you could. It would be no problem.

I'd be investing in a movie.

It would be exciting for me.

I'd be, you know, I'd be doing something new.

Yeah, but, you know, you mix family with business...

Paulie, come on!

I'll be a silent investor.

I'm just a money guy.

Oh, you're a money guy now? Yeah, I'm the money guy.

See? The money guy.

You need money, I'm the guy.

I'll tell you what, save your money, money guy.

Maybe we'll get lucky with our next contestant.

[HIGH VOICE] I'm here for the Buchmanjob.

Who do I make the check out to?

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Chief... What are you doing? Give me that!

Troy, you really don't...

Nonsense. Now put your stuff down, get off your feet,

and let others do for you.

You know, the baby's not due for quite some time.

Well, you can never be too careful... Uh-uh!

Is this chair okay for you?

It's fine.

Well, maybe you'd like to take this one.

It has stronger back support. It's okay.

Take the chair. I don't need the chair.

Give her your chair!

Troy, what are you doing?

You're pregnant. I'm being nice. Well, cut it out.

Jamie, can I get you anything?

No. Thank you. All right, everybody.

I appreciate the nice thoughts,

but I am not a porcelain doll.

I am exactly the same person I was yesterday,

so everybody can just relax.

Thank you.

And this is our nerve center, our war room.

This is Brockwell headquarters.

I used to come here when it was a Kinko's.

[LAUGHS] Jamie, can I see you a second?

Sure.

TROY: Wow! What?

Are you two sisters?

[LAUGHS] I don't believe so.

Get out of here.

I'm, uh, Jamie Buchman.

Hi. Molly Norman. Hi.

It's like a mirror image.

There is a similarity.

Good God! Now there's two of you.

[MOLLY LAUGHS]

Why does your name sound so familiar?

I worked in Governor Pataki's office.

Possibly from that. That's probably it.

I happened to bump into Molly yesterday

and she mentioned that she was between projects

right now and I thought...

[INHALES SHPARLY] Given the circumstances,

it would be a good idea to, sort of, reinforce the troops.

What circumstances?

Well, your circumstances.

Ah. Those circumstances.

Um, you look great!

You can hardly even tell you're pregnant.

Well, I am.

Molly's here to help you in any way she can, Jamie.

I think you'll find her a tremendous help.

I just wasn't actually aware I needed more help.

No. I... I didn't say you do, but... But you might.

So.

So. [CHUCKLES]

PAUL: I am so glad you're here.

I'm a very big fan of your work.

I've really had a good response

from those chicken spots.

Oops! Now I'm hungry. [LAUGHS]

He just makes that word sound so succulent.

Chick-en.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it.

Stop it or, I swear, I'm going to have to break for lunch.

Paulie, Paulie, Paulie. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Uh, why don't we start.

All right.

Why don't you just read it from the top,

and, uh, we'll have a listen in here.

Okay.

The story of America can be told in many ways.

Most simply, it's about people.

Families that came from other lands

to find their home on our shores.

Our story is about one such family.

The Buchmans.

Wow. I've heard it 600 times,

and that's the first time... Little tear.

Well, I do what I can.

Why don't we try and get one in the can

before you're hit by lightning or something, all right?

Yes. [CLEARS THROAT] Could I just have my water, please?

Your water?My Vittel. Didn't my agent tell you about it?

Oh, yeah. She told me.

Uh, I'm the producer. I got it right here.

Who said you're a producer?

[CLEARS THROAT] Here we go.

Now, that's not Vittel.

Yeah, I know. They didn't have Vittel,

but, y'know, water is water, right?

I find that brand oily.

[LAUGHS] How can water be oily?

Well, it is, and it coats my vocal cords.

[LAUGHING] Coats your vocal cords?

It's fine. It's fine.

I don't mean to be difficult,

but my voice is my instrument,

and I'm very particular about what I use to lubricate it.

To lubricate it?

Okay. You know what? That's fine.

We'll get you a bottle of Vittel.

Paulie, listen to me.

They're charging us by the hour here, okay?

A lot. By the hour.

The man wants a bottle of Vittel.

He wants water! I brought him water!

You mean to tell me he can actually tell the difference?

Oh, great. Now my voice is tightening.

Just give us one minute here.

Listen to me. I deal with workers all the time.

They're always trying to pull stuff like this.

The man is a talented artist.

Artist! The guy's Chicken Man!

Chicken Man?

He... He didn't mean that.

Listen, I thought this little movie would be fun,

but clearly, now it's not going to be.

And the fact is that Chicken Man has made so much money

from his chicken work,

that Chicken Man doesn't need to deal with morons like you.

[SCOFFS] Actors. Yeah.

No. Producers!

Okay. Item number six, the Ed Koch endorsement.

I have some thoughts.

I'm sure you do, but this has to be written in Lance's voice,

so rather than torturing you and making you write 11 drafts,

I'll just take it myself.

All right.

Okay. Number seven, the deputy mayor pre-interviews.

I can take that.

I appreciate that, Molly, but I think it's easier

if I'm just sort of the clearing house.

All right.

Is there anything else, or should I just go screw myself?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Molly, God, I, uh... I meant absolutely no offense.

I just think it's tough, you know, for a new person to just jump right in.

Take a few days, get acquainted, get to know the place,

grab a doughnut, and if, uh, by the way,

there's some type of doughnut

or something that you want that we don't have, you tell me.

I will. Okay.

Hey. Hey.

You ready?

Ready for what?

For what? For clothes shopping.

You blew me off yesterday.

We are gonna buy everything above a size 12.

Okay. Well, as fetching as that sounds...

Jamie, what's wrong with you?

Nothing. Nothing... Excuse me.

Nothing, okay? Except that I've got a letter, a position paper,

and four interviews to get through

before the end of the day. Why?

Why? Because I'm running a campaign here.

I... I know, but you have all these...

All right, all right, all right. Come on.

We'll take half an hour,

we'll go to Klarik's, and we'll grab something. Come on.

I can't buy bread in half an hour.

Come on.

TROY: New York Times, line one.

I'll take it. No, no, no, wait!

I'm actually

expecting a very important phone call.

Hello. Can I help you?

That's okay. We already subscribe.

Hey, little baby, repeat after me.

"A" is for apple. "B" is for

boyfriend. What are you doing?

I'm teaching her to read.

How can you buy anything if you don't try it on?

Look. It fits. Let's move. I'm on a tight schedule.

Okay, and the minute...

The minute your parents give you a hard time,

you feel like running away,

okay, you come right to my house.

And we'll have pancakes for dinner

and, um, watch

violent movies on cable.

Okay?

And... And you go to bed

at 1:00 a.m., young lady,

no earlier.

Only you could corrupt a child that's still in the womb.

It's my skill.

This is supposed to be a big day.

It is the first time you are buying maternity clothes.

I... I don't know about you, but I'm excited.

JAMIE: I'm excited. You don't seem it.

Believe me. Brockwell hears I'm pregnant,

turns around and hires some twit with my haircut

to do my job?

Believe me, I'm highly excited.

I think you're overreacting.

Really? Because I don't.

"C" is for condom!

What? Never too early to teach her.

Get out of there.

Jamie, sit down, stay awhile.

Give us a little pleasure.

Try something on!

Thanks. I don't have time to sit down.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh.

Wow. Are you okay?

Oh, my God. Here. Here.

Just sit. Come here.

Whoa.

Suddenly, sitting down makes a little more sense.

IRA: Okay. You ready? Here we go. This is great.

The, uh, story of America can be fold many ways.

Fold? No. [LAUGHS]

Can be told many ways.

Most simply, it is about the... The purple...

[STAMMERS] The... The... I'm sorry.

The people, the families... A family?

No.

Most simply, it is about families

that come from... From...

From other lands to fill... What?

To find...

Comes from other lands to find their homes on our shores.

You're reading at a kindergarten level.

Paulie, what's the difference?

We bought the place for the day...

Hey, hey, hey. You wanna sing?

No, I don't want to sing.

Why not? We got a lull.

No. Excuse me. This is not a lull.

A lull would be if the guy said,

"You guys are morons. I'll be right back."

This is called the end of the day.

All right, all right, so I got a few things to learn

about the producer thing, all right?

Who said you're a producer? You're not a producer.

You're my cousin, who lent me money.

IRA: That hurts, Paulie.

You know I'd like to be a producer. Who do I gotta do?

You know what you gotta do? You gotta produce.

You gotta learn to produce.

Find you what the project needs, and then produce that.

So fine. So that's all you need to say.

Y'know? I mean, hey, I'm new at this.

There's room for improvement. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

I acknowledge that, but what the hell...

Paulie, I tell you, you know... Hello?

Mmm-hmm. I always, ever since I was a little kid,

I kind of imagined myself up on a big screen. When?

Uh-huh. Be right there. This light just reminds me of it.

When I was a kid, third grade,

doing that production of... I think it was Oklahoma!

Poor Jud is dead and not a dry eye in the house...

Paulie, where did you go? Where did he go?

Please say everything's okay. Everything's okay.

Oh, my God. Thank God.

Got a little cocky there, didn't ya?

Thought you could just barrel through this pregnancy,

80 miles an hour?

Babies are sorta like traffic cops.

If you don't slow down, they give you a ticket.

I thought I told you about this a couple of months ago.

How many hours a day are you working?

Uh, well, it varies.

You know, uh, eight, nine... Sometimes 11.

Do I need to tell you what I'm thinking?

No.

Hey. Hey. What's going on?

I got dizzy.

Lisa just said you got really dizzy.

I got a little dizzy.

The baby... The baby's the only sane one in this family.

Are Fran and Lisa okay out there?

They're fine.

Lisa's reading Highlightsmagazine.

She's just working too hard, isn't she? Mmm-hmm.

You have to quit your job. You have to stop working.

You have to get into bed

and just stay there for the next six months.

I don't think that's necessary.

Well, can I do that, then?

My advice is much simpler.

Slow down.

Slow way down. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's easy to say.

You have no idea... I've made a commitment to this campaign.

If you knew the stress and the pressure...

Didn't they just hire this woman just to help you?

Yes! Exactly!

Can you believe that?

So, what's so bad?

What's so bad? I've worked for this man...

You know what? Come on. Let's go. Bring her home.

Beautiful mother-to-be, I'm taking you home.

Can any of you guys find

a boot in this tree?

Ah. Look at that.

It's still light out, and I'm home for the day.

Well, get used to it,

because you're gonna see a lot more light

and a lot more days

and a lot more of you sitting nicely on a couch.

Now sit down. Right.

Ooh. I have to call Molly.

No, you don't have to call Molly.

No. I have to apologize to her.

You don't have to apologize to her tonight.

Paul, I was really awful to this woman.

I'm sure you weren't that awful.

Okay, you know the kind of awful I can be,

where it wouldn't hold up in court,

but when I'm finished, you don't want to live anymore?

Well, you should call her. This is what I'm saying.

But tomorrow. You'll call her tomorrow.

Come on. Joan said you have to take it easy.

You and I, we're gonna sit here, we're gonna watch TV.

All right. Ooh.

What are you doing? I'm putting on Crossfire.

No, no, no. Come on.

Joan says you gotta take it easy. So?

So, sit down,

and you're not gonna watch Crossfire.

We're gonna watch Wheel of Fortune.

[GROANS] [WHIMPERS]

Honey? Now what?

We gotta feed Murray. No, I will do that. You will sit.

Not you. You. Sit.

Sit!

Would you just... Stay.

Good girl. Yes, thank you.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Honey... Stay.

Come on. This will be like a test.

It could be work.

Could be. It could be important.

It could be. It could be your work.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP] You know, I will stay if you stay.

Deal.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

IRA: [OVER ANSWERING MACHINE] Paulie, it's me. Pick up.

Paulie. Paulie. Listen. Oh, man.

I did some producing today.

I made a few calls.

Guess who I got to narrate our movie?

Here. Here's a hint, go ahead.

JAMES EARL JONES: Now?

IRA: Yeah. Now.

JAMES EARL JONES: Paul, this isBuchman.

Now, this is the water you gave Chicken Man.

All right.

Paulie, it tastes just like water.

This is the premium brand

preferred by Chicken Man.

Wow. That is good. See?

Paulie, this is beautiful water.

My throat is entirely lubricated.

See? Now compare and contrast.

Your water...

[SWALLOWS]

He's right. It's oily.

Yes. And his water.

This is nectar of the heavens.

Yes. This is...

It's got a wonderful body.

Mmm-hmm.

Very smooth, somewhat flowery.