Original subtitles

Ooh, you're back, you're back.

I am back, I'm back.

I have the best husband in the world.

PAUL: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

You spoil me sometimes, you really do.

PAUL: Hey, who loves ya, baby?

I can't believe it's the middle of the night,

and my husband is making me a hot fudge sundae.

Yeah.

Believe it, my pretty little wife.

Believe it.

You get the syrup? I got the syrup.

Nuts? Got the nuts.

Cherries? I got the cherries.

You got those little marshmallows?

[KEYS JANGLING]

I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

Which book you think is better for the gym,

John Grisham or Michael Crichton? Grisham.

Really? Yeah.

Plus, Crichton's too tall.

Have you ever seen him? He's, like, 7'3".

That's true.

It's just that when you're...

You know, when you're on a StairMaster, you want...

You want just the right book.

You know, small chapters,

paper that stands up to sweat,

you want big print,

you know, because you're doing a lot of...

Can I say something? Please.

These baby books, they don't know what they're talking about.

Well, they're written by babies.

They're full of contradictions.

This one says an occasional glass of wine is okay.

Now, there's a relief. Yeah.

This one says never touch alcohol.

That makes sense.

Oh, this one says exercise as much as possible.

Well, sure. Yeah.

But this one says never exercise strenuously.

Strenuously, yeah. Nobody wants that.

You're not helping.

My advice, figure out what you want to do,

and then just find a book that says it's okay.

I don't like this bookstore.

We should have gone to Weatherbys,

they have such a better selection.

Weatherbys closed.

Weatherbys closed? When?

Like, six months ago. This place put it out of business.

I didn't realize that.

How could you not realize that?

Because I've been coming here.

Honey, how about When Elephants Weep?

Ah, no, no, no.

JAMIE: You said you wanted to read this.

Yeah, but not in a gym, it's a little...

A little too sissy-esque.

You know, I can start going to that gym with you now.

Why? What are you talking about?

I have a free pass. What pass?

A free pass. Ten visits. Ira gave it to me.

He shouldn't have done that. Why not?

I don't know. It just doesn't seem to me to be a very good idea.

You know, no strenuous exercise.

Lots of strenuous exercise.

Well, put that one back.

What, I can't go to the gym and work out with you?

No, it's not that you can't...

What is it with you and this gym?

Nothing. What?

Truth?

I like... I like going by myself.

It's my sanctuary, you know, it's my little oasis.

Why do you need an oasis?

I don't... I just...

I just like having a little patch of the world where nobody knows me.

Ira knows you.

Yeah, ask me how thrilled I am he started coming in.

I'm not going to bother you, you know.

You can flirt with people, I won't even say anything.

I'm not flirting.

We don't even have to walk in together.

Okay, now you're going to make me feel bad I said anything at all.

No, I'm just trying to understand. I just... I just...

You know what it is, I like going there,

and when I'm there, I don't have to be anybody's anything.

You know?

I mean, I'm nobody's husband,

I'm nobody's son,

I'm nobody's about-to-be father.

I just, you know, there's mystery there.

You're a Mystery Man.

I'm a Mystery Man.

Hey, you guys are expecting a baby, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Okay, see what I'm talking about?

No mystery. There's no mystery.

[GROANS]

[BEEPS] There we go.

Oh!

Scusi.

Ooh!

Scusi.

Ah, Italiano?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Scusi.

Wow, great sneakers. Oh, thank you.

Where'd you get 'em? I got a guy.

Are they Nikes, or...

You know what, I'd rather not say.

Ah. I understand.

So what are they, tennis shoes, basketball...

These are, uh...

Ironically, they're lacrosse shoes.

You play lacrosse?

I enjoy a game of lacrosse, yeah.

In fact, I got the nationals coming up, so I got to...

[GRUNTS]

Hey, Paulie, I got some great news.

You know that gym manager, Dante? Uh-huh.

He's going for my proposal. Uh-huh.

Gonna set up a little boutique in the lobby,

gonna sell Buchman's Sporting Goods.

Isn't that fantastic?

Okay, okay, what did I say about talking to me in here?

What? What did you say?

I said don't do it.

I... Listen, just pretend we're strangers in here, okay?

When I'm here, I don't want to hear about the store,

I don't want to hear about your deals.

In here, we're not related, we're just two guys in bad shape.

Pardon me for piercing your veil of anonymity.

My girl will call your girl, we'll do lunch.

Hey, Ira...

Psst. Hey, hey, hey, Dante, so we got a deal or what?

Don't rush me, I just took my enzymes, all right?

All right. Hey, uh...

Who's that guy in the glasses?

IRA: Him? Ah, he's nobody.

Come on, is he, uh, famous

or in show business or something?

[LAUGHS] No. Come on.

Actually, Dante, yes, he...

He makes films.

I knew it.

I'm gonna go introduce myself. No, no, no, no, no.

You don't want to do that.

You see, he craves his anonymity.

That's why he comes here, see, 'cause nobody knows who he is.

You think I could give him my head shot?

No, no. You... I wouldn't.

All right, all right, that's enough.

Hey! Stop hogging the machines.

I got people waiting here.

There you go, sir. All ready for you.

Thank you very much.

And may I say, that is a very nice top you're wearing.

Grazie.

JAMIE: So how was the gym, Mystery Man?

The gym was very good.

Mystery Man worked on his lats. Lats?

Worked on lats and delts.

Very pumped. Feel, feel, feel.

Wow! See that? Yeah.

I did high weights, low reps.

That's for size, big size.

And my abs, I want to get my abs cut.

So tomorrow I'm gonna do abs,

I'm gonna do tris and bis,

I'm gonna do lots of reps for cut and for size.

Any two-syllable words at the gym? No.

Hey, isn't that that guy from the bookstore, that's from...

From Weatherbys? Yep.

I didn't know... Hey, Virgil.

Mr. And Mrs. Buchman.

Hi. Hey, no, no, no. Paul. Paul and Jamie.

Actually, I prefer formality.

All right, then.

So, uh, have you been working out?

Just, you know, trying to stay in shape.

How you doing, Virgil?

I am engaged in life.

Temporarily side-tracked on my journey,

but optimistic about the future.

So, do you see anything you like?

Actually, I do. Honey?

Yeah.

Oh, boy, you know what, I think I have, like, 17 cents left.

What am I going to do with 17 cents?

I sunk all my cash into this pizza.

Would you like a pizza?

Pizza?

Yeah. It's fresh, hot. Why don't you take it?

No. I don't eat cheese. I'm a vegan.

I don't eat any animal products.

It's a philosophical thing.

Okay.

Well, you could scrape off the pepperoni and the cheese

and then, maybe, suck the eggs out of the crust...

[PAUL MUTTERING]

Okay, never mind. That's okay.

There must be something we can do for you.

Ah, there really is not.

Hey, you know what?

How about a book?

You could sell the book to somebody else.

We got great stuff. I got Grisham...

Grisham. Crichton...

Actually, my customers are a little more discerning.

Which reminds me, uh...

Here.

I've been saving this for you.

Ask the Dust!

Honey, have you ever read this?

Oh, with all the dust and the questions.

Yes, yes. That's good.

This is so hard to find. Thank you so much.

Don't mention it.

Good luck to you.

I have to give you something for these.

No, no, no. It really isn't necessary.

You know what? I have this free pass.

Oh, baby... To a gym.

A free pass to a gym?

Yeah. You know what, though...

That might be interesting.

You know what, it's not even as interesting as you think.

Here, take it. I don't know.

He doesn't know. Please take it.

He doesn't want it. Are you sure?

I couldn't. He can't.

VIRGIL: I'd like to. He'd like to, but he can't.

Please. Thank you.

That's very kind of you.

Listen, you know, if you don't want to, you don't have to.

No, no, no. Actually, I think I might enjoy this.

Okay, good. Well, then, there you go.

See ya.

See ya. VIRGIL: Mr. Buchman.

Maybe you and I can get together at the gym and...

And work out.

When do you go?

When do I go to the gym?

Yeah. When do you go to the gym?

Uh, different times, really.

It's no, no real set pattern.

Well, roughly.

Roughly, when do you go?

Uh...

You know, it just... It changes so much.

Whenever the mood strikes me, really, so...

And I might not even be going back 'cause I pulled a...

Pulled a muscle.

I have a strain, a ripped muscle.

I don't even know if...

Well, I'm sure we'll run into each other. Okay.

Good. Okay.

You have a rip? It's possible.

Okay, what did he mean by the word "discerning"?

It means highbrow, selective... I know what the word means.

I'm saying why did he choose that word with me?

He happens to be very well-read.

Hey, I'm well-read.

I could read Bite the Dust if I wanted to...

Ask the Dust.

Ask the Dust,whatever.

The point is, I just think he's...

I find him a little super, uh,

you know, a little, like, over...

Like, he thinks he's so much smarter than me.

He's just going through a hard time.

Fine, just don't take it out on me.

You know, I'm knocking myself out trying to help the guy.

Why don't you just give him a little leeway?

I'll give him the leeway, I just didn't want to give him the gym pass.

But you wouldn't let me use it.

Why should it go to waste?

Because I told you, I go there to be alone.

You know, I don't need some guy sneaking up on me

and mocking my reading material.

Mystery Man's getting a little defensive.

More like Hypersensitive Man.

All right, let me explain something to you.

Mystery Man is not a superhero,

he's just trying to lose a few pounds.

Hey, uh, how ya doing there today, sir?

Yeah, all right. Good.

Hey, Dante, what's up? We got a deal or what?

Not quite.

Yeah, but in spirit?

Look, don't pressure me.

I don't like pressure.

Hey, no pressure.

I'm just, you know, making sure we're clear.

Hey, you know what, maybe we could put some shelves up over there,

put a sign up over that...

Hey, get off the bench!

Hey, look, I gotta do my pecs now, all right?

We'll talk about this later.

Yeah. I'm just making sure that we're clear, that's...

I feel like, if you say one more word to me,

I'm gonna snap.

Okay?

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Understood.

Hey, Paulie, this close, huh?

I'm this close. I know.

What's up?

You know that gym pass that you gave to Jamie?

The gym pass? Yeah.

Thank you.

She gave it to a homeless guy.

What?

[STAMMERS] She gave it to this homeless guy, Virgil.

Paulie, how could you let her do that?

What do you mean, "How could I let her"?

She's not a marionette, she does things.

[STAMMERS]

If Dante finds out that that pass came from me,

my whole deal is going to be blown.

Maybe not, maybe not. "Maybe not!"

Look, he kicks people out of this joint

for combing their hair wrong.

Now you got a homeless guy coming in?

You're killing me.

Hello. I was given this 10-day pass.

Uh...

You're gonna have to wait here.

Of course.

Hey, I ain't exactly thrilled about it either.

You know, this is supposed to be my oasis,

my little Fortress of Solitude.

Oh, please, don't start that Mystery Man crap again.

I'm saying that if Virgil comes in here and says hello to me, that's it,

then I got my secret identity...blown.

Paulie, we're talking about my future here, okay?

We're not talking about some stupid fantasy man.

Look, I'll buy you a cape,

you can run around Port Authority.

They already got a guy.

Hey.

You're gonna have to leave now.

Excuse me, but I believe I have a right to be here.

Excuse me, nothing. Get the hell out now!

I believe you'll find that everything is in order.

Who gave you this?

Who gave him this?

Whoever gave this man this pass,

I will kill!

Scusi.

Hey, this book says it's not unusual to have excessive flatulence.

For me, not for you.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Just trying to help you out...

To share...

From... From the love.

James, why do you hate me?

What? IRA: No, seriously.

What did I ever do to you,

that you have so much hatred in your bosom for me.

What are you talking about?

The free pass that I gave you,

you gave it to a homeless guy.

All right, first of all, Paul wouldn't let me use it.

Oh, that's great.

And second of all, have a little respect,

don't just call him a homeless guy.

Is he a guy? Yes.

Is he homeless?

Yes.

Homeless guy!

Well, you could be a little more sensitive.

James, what the hell were you thinking?

This is an exclusive health club.

When they say exclusive,

who do you think that they're trying to keep out?

What, do you have stock in the place?

Well, I happen to be working on a little deal there, yes.

So before you lose any money,

you're willing to have this guy thrown out in the street?

Yes.

What do you think about this?

Oh, I'm so happy not to be in this conversation.

Yeah. Well?

I think it's...

You know, it's one of those situations

where, truly, there are no winners.

Wow! Could you be more wishy-washy?

[SCOFFS]

So where's this guy hang out?

Why?

Because... To get the pass back.

What are you going to say? Why?

'Cause you'll say something or he'll say something...

I won't say anything.

You will. You'll say something bad.

Nobody'll say anything.

Somebody's gonna have to say something.

Paulie, will you just tell me where he hangs out?

You swear to God you won't offend him?

I swear. Just tell me where he hangs out.

Library.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

PAUL: Virgil, hi.

Boy, you guys have your own little area here.

[STAMMERS] That's terrific.

In what sense? [CLICKS TONGUE] You know, I just...

All I meant was that you have all these great books here,

and you have the window and everything.

It's just... Uh-huh.

Hey, believe me, you listen, I understand, you know, very much.

Well, a little bit, anyway, what you're going through.

You know, I do.

Myself, when I was in...

When I was in school, and...

I had literally no money when I was in school,

and, uh, for a while I had to...

I was working in...

I had to work at Thom McAn's some weekends.

So, you know, because, uh...

Remember? I used to work at Thom McAn's.

No matter how much homework I had, there I was...

I was putting 'em away, you know, so it's...

Would you excuse me? Excuse me, please? Huh? I'm just...

I'm sharing. Sorry.

Virgil, I...

I have a proposition for you.

A proposition?

No, no. No, no, no. Not a proposition.

No, that's... Not at all.

More of a... Think of it like a proposal.

Well, fine, fine. A proposal. Yeah, nothing insulting.

Do you mind? Go ahead.

So, Virgil, you know that, uh...

You know, that free 10-day gym pass that his wife gave you?

Yeah, you should see my pecs after just one day.

Really, did you get size? Did you get cut?

Size and cut. Yeah.

Yeah, great. Listen, Virgil, we would like the pass back.

No, no, no. [SCOFFS]

It's not... It's not that we want the pass back. If we would...

You know what, we would like to replace the pass with another gift.

A gift?

Yeah, yeah. We wanna bribe you.

No, no, no, no bribing. Nobody's bribing.

We would like to replace...

We'd like to replace the gift with, uh...

The gift of a sum of money.

I see.

Listen, as I said, I wanted to give you money at the time.

As I said, I didn't have any.

Well, Mr. Buchman, as I said at the time,

I wouldn't have accepted it.

I would.

All right. Good.

So why do you want the pass back, anyway?

Because... No!

[SIGHS] What?

Because, uh, truthfully, that was my wife's idea, the pass.

I... I didn't think that was a proper gift for you.

Oh, I disagree.

There're showers there, and it's warm...

Actually, I think it's quite an inspired gift.

Yeah, but, Virgil, see, the deal is,

we don't want to have homeless people in the health club.

Hey. Hey. What's the matter with you?

Sorry. It's not that at all.

What kind of language is that? I apologize. What?

It... We...

We were just... We were thinkin'...

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

I don't blame you.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, if I were someone like you,

I wouldn't want someone like me messing up my club.

So you... You understand, right?

Of course he understands.

Of course I understand.

And, Ira, thank you very much for your straightforwardness.

Wow. Yeah, okay, I hope you know,

I was going to be straightforward, too,

and I thought maybe if I came around the other side, but...

Okay. No, good for you. Good for you.

So great. So...

So you're gonna give us back the pass?

Absolutely not.

Hey, Virgil.

Mrs. Buchman. How's business?

Frankly, the big chains are killing me.

Listen, I have your money for those books.

Oh, no, it's on the house.

Please, I insist.

Okay, but for tax purposes only.

Out for a little fresh air?

Actually, I'm just out for a little exercise. Oh.

Well, how come you don't go to the gym that you gave me the pass to?

My husband doesn't want me to, it's his private oasis.

Ah. So he doesn't want you there, either.

What do you mean, "either"?

Uh... Did he say something to you?

No. Not really.

Did he ask you not to go to that gym?

[STAMMERS] Well, not in so many words.

Excuse me.

Uh, Mrs. Buchman, please.

Really, it's no big deal. It's okay.

No, no, really, it's not worth it.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, Dante...

Look, you gotta stop hassling me.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I'm not hassling you.

You're hassling me.

Look, I haven't made up my mind yet.

When I make up my mind, then we'll talk.

Until then, you're blocking my path.

Hey, my apologies.

Hey. What?

When you gonna introduce me to your friend like you promised, huh?

I'll tell ya, Dante, it's, uh, kind of a delicate situation.

Really? Yeah.

Has he been, uh, talkin' about me or anything?

Absolutely. He's askin' all kinds of questions.

Really? Yes.

Can I help you? No, thank you.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Huh? [STAMMERS]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Keep your voice down. I'm not going to keep my voice down!

[STAMMERS] How could you do that to that man?

Scusi.

Scusi?

Yeah, uh, all right. What do you mean, scusi?

You happy? You're killing Mystery Man.

How could you look that man in the face...

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.

Respect his privacy.

Do you know who this man is?

He's my husband.

Is that true?

Uh...

Hey. Yeah. Yes.

Mrs. Buchman!

Virgil.

I don't want there to be any trouble.

Trouble? I'll give you trouble.

Your pass is no good.

It's void. You understand?

You're void. Do you understand?

Okay, okay. All right, all right, come on.

Now, is there a problem here?

I'm sorry to bother you with this, sir,

but somehow this bum got a pass to my gym.

Okay, first of all, he's not a bum, okay?

And second of all, I gave him the pass.

You gave it to him? Yeah, I did.

I hope that's not a problem.

I had no idea he was an acquaintance of yours.

Oh, yeah. Well, okay, now you do.

So, uh...

Is there anything that you want to say to my friend, Virgil?

Welcome to the Inferno.

Thank you.

Okay, there you go.

And, oh, by the way,

I understand there's some hemming and hawing going on

in trying to close a deal with my good friend, Ira.

Is that... Is that true at all?

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh, no trouble at all.

In fact, the paperwork's in my office.

Come on, Ira.

Stop dilly-dallying. Let's go.

Listen, Virgil, I... I... You know...

You wanna stay and work out?

No, actually, uh, I've left my business unattended.

But, uh, it's nice being asked.

You two go ahead.

See ya.

Good for you. Right.

Hey, not in front of everybody, all right?

Sorry.

My wife, ladies and gentlemen.

PAUL: Yes, Mystery Man,

strange visitor from another planet...

Yeah, we're not sure which one.

Who came to Earth with powers far beyond those of mortal men.

Yeah, and especially the ability to be completely mysterious.

Who is he?

Uh, we don't know.

What's he doing here?

We don't know.

What does he want from us?

We have no idea.

What is his name?

Nobody knows.

JAMIE: Paul?

Coming, sweetie.