Original subtitles

PAUL: All right, little baby, listen to me.

The game is played on a diamond,

with four bases, 90 feet apart, okay?

Now, the object is to hit the ball

and run around all the bases more times than your opponent

who's pitching you the ball.

Now, when you hit the ball you run to first.

Run, run, run, run, run, run.

Now, if the fielders don't catch the ball

before it hits the ground, then what you do is...

[SNORES]

[WHISPERING] I'll tell you the rest tomorrow.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

It's a very natural fear. It is?

Yes. It's a terrifying proposition,

having sex with a pregnant woman.

Lower your voice, please.

What? There's nothing dirty about having sex

with a pregnant woman.

Seems to me you're gonna have to get comfortable

saying "Having sex with a pregnant woman."

If you want a... ♪ I love a parade ♪

The point is this,

James is very fragile to you right now.

I know. But you know what? It's only since she started showing,

because I gotta tell you, the beginning, her pregnancy,

was really, it was actually very erotic.

Now you realize there's a little baby in there. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't want to hurt anything. You don't want to do any damage.

I don't want any trouble.

That's right, you know, you don't know.

You may poke him in the eye or something.

Why do I gotta bother him?

I know. I know exactly how you feel.

Oh, you do? Yeah, sure.

You've had sex with a pregnant woman?

Yes. Who?

Well, you remember Susan.

Susan with the hair? That's right.

She was pregnant?

With child, yes.

And the father, I'm correct in assuming was somebody,

it was not so much you?

Yes.

Oh, blech, gee.

What?

Give the woman a break.

Is there no one else?

Could you not find someone a little bit less busy?

Will you listen to me? It was actually quite wonderful.

I mean, at first I felt just like you.

I was terrified to touch her,

afraid I might hurt her somehow, you know,

or hurt the baby, but then I got over it.

How?

Well, I woke up one morning, and I had a need.

I see, so you just put your desires ahead of any danger

that it might have caused her or the child.

No, no, I'm telling you, it's like a horse.

It's not like a horse.

Well, yes. If God didn't mean for you to sleep with women when they were pregnant,

he wouldn't make them look so good during.

Who teaches you how to think like that?

I'm telling you, desire will get the better of you.

I don't think so. I don't think so, my friend.

My next sexual experience will be in July,

and you know what? That is fine with me.

Well, if you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for her.

What does that mean? What? You don't think she has needs, too?

Not now. No, she's gestating, for... Come on, right?

No, believe me, Jamie is not interested in that now.

Not true, my friend who knows all about women.

It's not? I promise you.

So what are you saying?

So you're saying now I have to have sex with a pregnant woman.

What's the matter with you?

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Good.

Just had the best dream.

Yeah? Tell me. Tell me what the dream was,

and I'll tell you what it means.

We had sex.

That, that could be anything.

Seriously, you know how dreams about other stuff

like hot dogs and donuts are often about sex?

So, too, dreams about sex are often about other things,

like hot dogs and donuts.

Or could be you just want to have sex.

Don't you?

Yeah, yes.

You know, it's been a while.

Yes, it has.

Almost since I started showing.

No, really?

Oh, yeah.

So?

So?

And you're good?

Yeah. Okay.

[MOANS]

This is really good?

Yeah. Okay.

You still flat? What is the matter with you?

Nothing.

Why are you doing a Jack Palance push-up?

What? No, I'm not.

Really?

What is wrong?

I, just, I don't want to break anything.

What? I don't want to break anything in there.

I don't want to break the baby's house,

or the area around his house, his yard.

I don't want to break the baby's yard...

Or his landlord. I don't want to hurt his landlord.

Just want the baby to have a nice, peaceful tenancy,

you know, and when he's done, we'll just turn the place over.

We're not going to break anything.

How do you know?

Because I know. I asked, I read.

The fact is, having sex is actually good for me.

Really? Yes. It allays anxiety, it fights cramping,

it builds muscle tone, and it's aerobic.

When done properly, sure.

Well, see, you have nothing to fear

from the pregnant woman's body.

All right.

Sold.

What?

I have to throw up.

I'm so sorry. No, no, no. Please, don't be silly.

It just comes on you, morning sickness.

It just attacks out of nowhere.

Please, you don't have to apologize.

My God, let's take care of you, not me.

I'm fine. I'm, I'm, I'm good.

It's not exactly the response you look for, you know.

Kiss a girl and she literally vomits,

but you know, that's all right.

I am so sorry.

Not at all.

Fifty, 60 years, I won't even remember this.

Okay, okay.

So where is this restaurant, Algiers?

I don't know. Your mother picked it out.

Please promise me no four-hour good-byes with your parents after lunch.

Promise.

I want to make it upstate while it's still light so we can see the snow.

You think there's still snow on the ground?

Yes. They had two inches yesterday.

Yeah, but did it stick? What if it didn't stick?

It stuck. Yeah, 'cause if it didn't stick, then what?

Then we're driving upstate to see what, cold cows?

I want us to have some time alone together.

Hey, me, too. It would just be nice

if there was a little ground cover.

Do you understand? I'm getting increasingly pregnant.

I understand that, yes.

Well, we don't have a lot of time left for just the two of us to be together.

Pretty soon we're going to be into the meat of the pregnancy.

Ooh, there's not a word you need to use there.

And then six months from now, that's it.

Our lives will no longer be our own. No longer be our own.

I understand.

Ah, there it is, right there. That's it.

DRIVER: It's $6.50.

You all set? Mmm-hmm.

What?

You're really very pretty.

Thank you.

I have to throw up.

What, are they late?

We're gonna miss the snow now.

See, they don't care.

Isn't this place a little funky for your parents?

Hey, my parents still have some funk.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Ma?

[LAUGHING] Hello.

Hey, hey, hi, hello.

Hi, hi.

How, how is everybody?

Oh, fine.

Oh, just, just great. How are you?

We're good. We're fine.

Good, good. How are you and Leon?

Leon?

The baby?

Apparently we're naming the baby, Leon.

All right, so that's settled.

Leon's fine. Leon's mommy, however, is a little queasy.

Oh, isn't that funny?

You know that I never had so much as a dry heave

when I was pregnant with Paulie.

Bon appetit, everybody.

Wish I could say that.

No. I just refused to allow myself to be nauseated.

You could do that?

She can do anything.

Bert.

Yeah, okay, before I forget, here are the keys.

Murray gets a bowl of dry in the morning

and then lots of water all day long.

Yeah, lots of water.

All right, all right, all right, what's going on here?

What?

"What?" it's like a hygiene movie gone out of control.

You know that new doctor I went to?

That Dr. Gribitz that I started seeing at mount Sinai?

Yeah. Well, as a preventative measure

to keep my bones strong,

he put me on a little bit of estrogen therapy.

Saul Gribitz is a very good doctor.

Saul Gribitz is a genius.

Aha.

It has a very interesting side effect,

this, this, uh, estrogen.

Um, um, um, it, it, it,

it makes your father, I mean, we're,

well, I don't know how we can say it delicately, but...

We're back in the saddle!

Nicely put, Dad.

Let me just say it has been incredible!

A little louder, 'cause they can't hear you in the kitchen.

Listen, we have been cutting a sexual swath

through the New York metropolitan area.

A sexual swath, you say?

Two words, Bronx Zoo.

Okay, two more words, "Please don't."

And the best part is, my bones, never stronger.

See? Everybody wins.

Let me tell you something else.

It's making me eat like a horse.

What are you having? I'm having the, uh, salmon.

Oh, my God. He's having fish. What?

Honey, it's a fish restaurant.

Uh-huh. Oh, my God.

You didn't see the big fish with the funny hat over the door?

Uh-uh.

I think I'll have the sea bass.

You know, I might actually have the trout.

Hey, you know what, guys?

Do you think carp is a particularly fishy fish?

Excuse me.

She's not the strongest girl.

While she's at it, I'm going to the room of men.

Order me the halibut.

He's got a great ass, doesn't he?

Pretty much everyone on earth is having great sex, except us.

Honey, the minute you stop throwing up...

I know.

How you doing there?

You change lanes one more time, I'll kill you.

All right. I don't care if there's a deer in the road.

Gotcha.

The snow is pretty, though, huh?

It's great.

You know, there was a time when any discussion of my parents and sex

would have sent me screaming from that restaurant.

I'm starving.

Hmm? I'm starving.

I thought you were nauseous.

I'm starving and nauseous.

Starving and nauseous?

Okay, all right, so we'll pull off somewhere,

we'll get you a nice big bowl of nothing.

Look, a barn.

I mean, do you realize what happened back there?

My parents are having a graphic discussion about their sex life,

I remain perfectly calm.

It represents a huge leap of maturity on my part is all.

Very proud of you. You did very well.

That's all I'm looking for.

I have to throw up.

Well, now I'm only starving.

All right, let's get you something to eat.

This place is great.

Isn't it great? Yeah.

Hey, get me. I'm Eddie Albert.

Well, I see pitchforks, I see birdhouses,

I see shaving mugs, I see no food at all.

Not true. Come here.

What about some nice, delicious bait?

Wow.

Have you learned nothing today?

Sorry.

How about some nice fudge?

I'm sorry? How about some nice fudge?

I have some nice chocolate fudge here.

I was thinking about something a little more substantial.

There's a pizza hut at exit 70.

Uh, no, I...

How about some nice fudge?

That would be great.

Want some fudge?

Can't believe they don't have cable here.

[STATIC BUZZING]

Really good.

Look, honey, more snow.

It's making me feel a little weird, though.

Can't believe we're approaching the millennium,

and I'm dealing with rabbit ears.

Not bad weird, good weird.

Sort of like horny weird.

All right, I think I got it.

The only thing is,

the only problem is I can't move from this position.

There goes channel two.

Let's make love.

Don't you have to vomit? No.

God, fudge, who knew?

You're actually, literally excited by a dessert item?

Uh-huh.

Wow. What?

I don't know, I just...

I like to think of myself as not a totally incompetent lover,

who places a premium on foreplay,

and I just hate to know that you could get the same thing from a Snickers.

Not Snickers, fudge.

Okay, when I say Snickers...

Listen to me.

I'm not nauseous. I'm not starving.

I don't know how long this window will be open.

Let's go.

All right. I just, you know,

I just don't like knowing that, you know, using fudge as a, as a sexual aid

when if... All right, sir.

Mmm, bigger.

Little bit bigger. Mmm, bigger.

BOTH: Mmm, bigger.

Well, we are, to quote a great American,

"Back in the saddle!"

Are we out of fudge already?

Uh-huh. It served us well.

You know, they have this thing up here where you can go,

you can watch a reenactment of the battle of Saratoga.

Mmm-hmm.

They also have a thing where you can, uh,

they have a loom. You can work the loom.

It's an actual loom in James Fenimore Cooper's house.

Hmm.

They also have a thing where you can blow off the whole area,

drive to the fudge store, and then scurry off to the nearest bed.

We have a winner.

How's it going in there, Mrs. Gruber?

MRS. GRUBER: Just hold your damn horses!

All righty, let's wrap that puppy up.

It has to cool.

Monkeys.

It is good to be home.

It sure is.

[DOG BARKING]

Hi, Murray. Hi, Murray.

This picture's all crooked.

No, it's not.

You know what I'm gonna do to you?

Tell me.

Very, very slowly, I am gonna...

Hey, hey, hey!

Ahhh!

You're back early.

You know what I find fascinating?

Though barely one hour ago,

I saw my parents naked, naked in my bed,

still, my sexual appetite, undiminished.

Good.

Want to talk about maturity?

Most people don't live long enough to be this mature.

Now you come here.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

What's the matter?

I don't have the feeling.

What feeling? That feeling.

That good feeling.

That fudgey feeling.

Why not?

I don't know.

Did we get a bad batch?

We did rush her.

I told you we should have let it cool.

It's the same fudge.

All right, all right, all right.

Don't panic, don't panic.

You know what? Come with me.

What are we doing?

There's something in the fudge that works, right?

So maybe we have something here that has the same thing in it.

Like what?

I don't know, but let's see what we got.

I ain't giving up without a fight.

Honey, you know what?

SnackWell's, here we go, snack wells.

You like snacks, we think SnackWell's will work?

That has never been my experience.

Ok, Mallomars, the fatty ancestors of SnackWell's.

Honey, I don't think so.

Try one, try one, just try one, one.

Sweetie, I've been eating Mallomars since I was four,

and never so much as a twinge.

Okay, I feel something.

Sweetie, it's over. Let it go.

No, it's not over. Come on, it can't be over.

That picture is crooked.

Huh? You know what it is? You know what it is?

I know exactly what it is.

I will tell you what it is.

You and I, we don't need fudge to be sexually fulfilled.

That fudge, it, it's just a placenta, is what it is.

It's what? It's not a placenta. What is it?

A placenta. When you take a pill,

you think it's doing something, but it's really not.

It's a pla, a gazebo. A gazebo?

Placebo?

Placebo. It's a placebo. Thank you.

That's what it is. That fudge...

It's just a placebo. Watch.

Honey. See, we love each other.

We want each other. Sweetie.

We can't keep our hands off each other is the God's honest truth.

Through everything.

Through vomiting and parents in our bed.

And pregnancy. You and I, that's the beauty of us.

Paul, Paul. What?

I'm Just, I feel a little bloated and achey.

All right, okay, watch this.

Thanks.

See?

Ow, ow. What's the matter?

My back. All right. Sorry.

Honey, you know what? You know...

Oh, hey, say no more.

Is that okay? It's self-understood.

Sure. Thanks.

We can try again tomorrow. Mmm-hmm.

[PAUL SNORING]

Sweetie.

[GROWLING]

Ahhh!

IRA: You know, James, I understand.

It's a very natural fear.

PAUL: Honey, what happened to the fudge?