Original subtitles

J.P. Morgan. Thank you.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah! ♪

That's what I like to hear on a checkup,

the pregnancy's going very well.

I could've just told you about this one on the phone.

You didn't need to come.

That's all right. I like coming with you.

Makes me feel like I'm part of this thing.

Don't you anyway?

Ah, well, frankly, sometimes you and the baby

get a little cliquish.

[CHUCKLES]

What?

You know what you're getting?

The glow.

You're getting that... That pregnant woman glow. I am?

Yeah. I think tonight I may read by you.

[LAUGHS]

I'm getting more than the glow.

Pretty soon we have to start telling people.

We will. When?

When we said. You know, a couple of months.

Yeah, a couple of months ago.

Well, then, I guess now.

Really? We're telling people?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] Oh, I don't know. Are we?

We're having a baby.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, congratulations.

I guess we are.

Oh, let it go. She's a total stranger.

Yeah, but you don't know that.

She could know somebody we know.

It's like that Kevin Bacon game.

What is that, you drink a shot every time he does something?

No, that's Bob Newhart.

Kevin Bacon...

Kevin Bacon, the game is

you can connect any movie star to Kevin Bacon in three steps.

Like Robin Williams?

Robin Williams was in Garp

with John Lithgow, who was in Footloose with Kevin Bacon.

Okay? Marlon Brando.

Marlon Brando was in Superman

with Ned Beatty,

who did Deliverance with Burt Reynolds,

who made Striptease with Demi Moore,

who did A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.

You have too much time on your hands.

The point is if Marlon Brando is four steps away from Kevin Bacon,

that woman could know somebody that we know.

They get to talking, they realize they both know us,

she tells them we're pregnant...

Boom, our secret blown.

I'll risk it.

Maybe I'm just upset 'cause you got to tell the first person.

You know what? I'll call somebody. I'll feel better.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't just start calling people up.

Why not? Because people are very funny about this sort of thing.

Do you remember when your mom found out

she wasn't the first person to hear about our engagement?

That was a rough couple of years.

We have to handle this very carefully,

or there could be a lot of hurt feelings.

I can't believe we got all this food for one meal.

It's Thanksgiving.

Hey, it's Thanksgiving.

Everybody's gonna be over here anyway.

Why don't we just tell 'em then?

See, now you're thinking. That's very clever. Nobody gets hurt.

Exactly.

Why Kevin Bacon anyway?

Huh? Oh, apparently they tried it with Mickey Rourke.

It didn't take.

Oh, by the way, Paulie, I'm, uh...

I'm not gonna be able to make it to Thanksgiving.

Why not?

I have a date.

On Thanksgiving?

Yeah. What, that makes me a pervert?

No, I'm not... I'm not judging, it's just...

Bring her along.

Ah, we got a big night planned, Paulie.

We got the honeymoon suite at the Pierre.

Can you get out of it?

Yeah, I could. If I was an idiot.

[CHUCKLES]

It's just that it would... It would mean a lot to Jamie and me.

Yeah? Why?

Well, you know, it's Thanksgiving.

So what? Paulie, you've had, like, 80 Thanksgivings in a row.

Yeah, well, maybe there's... There's a reason

that this one's gonna be special.

Oh, yeah? Your family gonna be there?

Sure.

You gonna have turkey?

Yeah.

Well, you're right. That does sound special.

Maybe there's some reason

you don't want to miss this one.

Yeah? What kind of reason?

No reason. No reason. Just...

You know what? Come. Don't come. I don't really care.

Wait... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You know what's strange?

Yeah. Having a date on Thanksgiving.

No.

For a year you and James

have talked about nothing but trying to have a kid.

And then suddenly, you stop talking about it altogether,

and now there's some special reason?

So? Well...

What? Please.

What? Just say it.

Say what? Come on.

Say what? James and I...

Are having Thanksgiving... Are pregnant.

No, we're not. Pregnant.

No. No. We're not...

Yes, yes, okay! We're pregnant.

Really?

Now, listen to me!

You cannot tell anybody about this.

If Jamie finds out I told you,

I swear my... My kid will only know me through stories.

Why? What's the big deal? You gonna tell people, or aren't you?

Yes, but we just... We don't want this information to get out

before it's supposed to.

Information? What information?

That the, uh, the Pierre

is having a big Thanksgiving thing. Oh.

You called Fran? I called Fran.

All right. This is gonna be such a relief.

I don't know how much longer either of us could keep this a secret.

Yeah, well, it's the worst with your mom. Ah, most things are.

No, no, no. She is relentless. I just have to avoid her until the news is out.

Well, you know, if you did crack and tell one person,

I would... I would really understand.

No, no, no, I won't.

No, but really, I wouldn't even be mad.

It's not an issue.

All right. Well, just so you know.

And, like...

You know, I'm sure if I slipped and told somebody,

I'm sure you would understand.

You didn't?

No, no, no.

Good.

Maybe Ira. Paul!

I didn't mean... You weren't there.

He was all over me. It wasn't human. Oh, God!

Great.

So figure by now, Ira's told Burt,

who, God forbid, has told Sylvia,

who's probably told Debbie...

Told her boss, whose cousin is Meryl Streep, who was in The River Wildwith

Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon.

PAUL: Ira. Hey.

Jamie and I have something to ask you.

If you tell a single soul, I'll kill you.

Really more of a statement, actually.

What are you talking about?

Paul told me he told you.

Told me what?

It's okay. She knows.

Knows what?

Ira, I know you know I'm pregnant.

James! You're pregnant?

Congratulations!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So you haven't told anyone?

Hey. Did I just prove nothing to you?

He's got a very good point there.

Really? No one? No one.

Well, in the interest of total honesty,

I did tell one guy. Oh, my God, who?

Oh, relax. He's completely outside your sphere.

Who did you tell?

What? The guy who cuts my hair on the corner. Arturo?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I recommended him to you!

Oh. Whoops.

What are you doing, going to Jamie's guy?

What? He's a magician. Feel this. I don't wanna feel it.

Oh, my God. Lisa recommended him to me.

James, let the information flow naturally.

We're all adults here. Yeah, right.

No, we're adults,

and you're a big, stupid, secret-telling baby.

Would you come on? Huh?

So she's telling me how much her husband loves her,

and I just got through cutting his girlfriend's hair.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Arturo! Jamie!

Whatever you do, don't say anything...

Oh, my God. Lisa.

You guys even get your hair cut together?

That's so codependent.

Jamie...

Ira was talking all about you this morning.

Really? What'd he say?

Um, do you think that we could talk to you just for a minute?

Sure. Listen, when is the... Somewhere in private.

Please. Maybe.

Jamie, if this is about you dyeing your hair, I already know.

I don't dye my hair.

[LAUGHING] Okay.

Jamie, you don't look any...

Hey, Arturo,

you know what has always fascinated me

is the ethics of a beauty parlor. Mmm.

You know, I would imagine you have very strict rules

about not repeating something

you hear from one client to another.

Are you kidding?

That's the only thing that keeps me from shooting myself. [LAUGHS]

Say the people whom the thing was about came in

and specifically asked you not to.

Ah...

This is about you two having that baby!

[LAUGHING]

What?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Oh, my God!

That is so wonderful.

Oh, my God. Good boy!

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, the only reason Arturo knew before you was because Ira happened...

You know what? It doesn't even matter.

Please, don't even give it a second thought.

Thank you.

Hold it!

Ira knew before I did?

Yes. You guys blow.

You have to do me a favor.

You have to promise not to tell this news to anyone.

Oh, okay. Now, I mean it.

Seriously.

What? I can keep a secret.

Did you know that Sanford wet his bed up until college?

No, because I can keep a secret.

Lisa, you are going to have to grow as a person here.

You can't tell a soul. Promise me.

Okay. I promise.

Thank you. Thank you.

Did you... Excuse me.

Did you tell anybody?

I think I said something to a guy who came in after Ira. He was a car salesman.

Do you remember anything else about him?

His scalp was very dry.

Do you remember anything about him

not pertaining to his hair?

His name?

Uh... Yes...

Mel Slotkin.

Mel Slotkin. Mel Slotkin.

Do we know any car salesman named Mel Slotkin?

No. All right.

So, you know what? We'll let that one go.

Hey, hey, hey, who does your hair?

Who... Why?

JAMIE: Hey!

Ooh. Gotta go. Who were you talking to?

Just Sanford. Did you tell him?

Uh-huh.

What, you hold out for 10 seconds?

I couldn't help it.

Well, call him back. Oh...

You see this mousse? Mmm-hmm.

You put this in, it disappears.

No one knows you wear it, makes you look handsome, people don't know why.

Hey, honey? Listen...

You can't say a word about what I just told you, okay? Don't...

Oh, my God. That is so sweet.

Okay. Guess what Sanford just did.

What? Well, he called this muzak station he listens to,

you know, WDED,

and he dedicated a song to you.

Oh, God, to us? Yeah.

You're Having My Babyto Paul and Jamie Buchman

Oh, my God!

Great. So now only people with electricity will know.

Oh, God.

Not to mention they have to listen to You're Having My Baby.

Gimme that. I'm gonna call the station and stop it.

You probably won't get through.

It's five blocks away. I can be there in five minutes.

Godspeed, woman.

Oh, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! [SIGHS]

James?

Oh, for God's sake.

Fran! Hi!

I missed you.

FEMALE DJ: [OVER RADIO] Now here's an old favorite of mine,

and you know what it always means when we play it.

♪ Having my baby

♪ What a lovely way of saying What you're thinking of me

♪ I can see it

♪ Your face is glowing ♪

Fran, we'll get together. Right now... I know.

You're too busy. You've been meaning to call. There's no time.

Look, if you're tired of me, then just do the humane thing.

Cut me loose right now.

Fran, you're my friend. You're my best friend.

But right now I've got to go, I'm sorry!

♪ I can see it

♪ Your face is glowing Hey!

Hello! Hello!

♪ I can see it

Hello!

Hello! Hello!

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ Having my baby ♪

That's You're Having My Baby,

going out to Paul and Jamie Buchman from Sanford and Lisa.

Congratulations.

[SHRIEKING]

Hiya, Pop. Hi.

What did you do to your hair?

You like it?

Well...

Do you think I'm handsome, but you don't know why?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

That's what I'm goin' for. Hey! You wanna play poker tonight?

Tonight? Oh, you know what, Poppy, I can't.

Are you still playing with the same guys?

Yeah, you know, same as usual.

Miller, Bryant, Slotkin, Campanella.

Slotkin?

Yeah, Mel Slotkin. Oh, he's a cheater.

Mel Slotkin. Does he have dry scalp?

How the hell would I know? How would I know?

He's just a crooked car dealer who wormed his way into our game.

He's a car dealer? Yeah.

You know what, I think I will stop by for a few hands.

Oh, good, good, good.

Okay. [MUFFLED LAUGHING]

Ira, shut up.

Ira, who's watching the register?

There's nobody here, uncle Burt.

Why don't you just put out the "please rob me" sign?

Hey, Paulie, James get the flowers I sent?

You sent her flowers? Yeah.

To the apartment?

Yeah. Wait till you see the card.

It's a little blue and pink and...

Ira, Debbie's in the apartment right now making pies.

So what? So she'll read the card. She'll know.

Paulie, would you just give it up?

This is like a virus. Information is spreading all over the place.

You know, there's a monkey in Africa who knows you're pregnant.

Hi.

Oh, Paul.

Make fun of my hair, I'll slap ya.

No. No, it's good.

Yeah, all right, good. Whatever.

Did we get any... A package come for Jamie or me?

No. You were expecting something?

Uh, no.

Then why... Just because we get packages constantly.

Shut up. PAUL: Literally.

Like the phrase, "Did anything come?"

That's pretty much replaced "hello" around here.

Paul, are you all right?

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I just...

Maybe a little pre-Thanksgiving stress.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'm fine. Why? Hello.

How could you?

How could I what? What?

You two are having a baby, and you didn't tell me.

Oh, gee, uh, Theresa, um, I'm so sorry.

Sorry about what?

How long have you known?

Um, three...

Months?

Yes.

THERESA: [OVER PHONE] Are you telling me that all the time

my marriage was crumbling you knew this, and you didn't even bother to tell me?

I... You know... THERESA: It's all right.

It was rather enjoyable hearing about it on the radio.

Again, I can only apologize about that.

My little girl is having a baby.

Oh!

[LAUGHS] Uh, yeah.

Do you know what that makes me?

Yeah, that makes you, um...

Um, one of those women-people.

You can say the word. I don't mind.

In fact I wanna hear it. I wanna hear it.

Say it, Paul. What word?

Well, you know...

Well, it makes you a...

[OVEN DINGS] There's a pie.

You know what? I gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

Paul, what was that about?

That... That was nothing.

Nothing? That was nothing.

None of your business.

You're not gonna tell me? PAUL: No.

How can you not tell me?

Because when you need to know, you'll know.

Fine. Fine.

If that's the way you're gonna be, that's fine.

Hey, Deb, I'm a big boy now.

If I have a secret I don't wanna tell ya, you can't make me.

Fine. But sisters whose brothers keep secrets from them

don't help with the Thanksgiving pies.

I didn't know that was a rule.

Hello.

Yes. Excuse me!

I believe these are yours. Thank you. I got it. Okay.

Would you please have your delivery people

be more precise in future?

This exact same thing happened in 1991

with that muffin basket.

Sorry about that. Gimme the card.

No! Gimme that card.

No. Debbie, give it to me.

What a wonderful role model

you're going to be for this child.

Child? I'm afraid so.

I swear you and Ira are the only ones who know.

[COUGHS OSTENTATIOUSLY] And her.

Two things, one, congratulations, Paulie.

This is wonderful news. I'm so happy I could cry.

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

Two, you're a son of a bitch.

Hey, Deb...

What have you done to your hair?

I'm so tired of you.

I haven't seen her in forever,

and she just blows me off.

What could've been so important?

I've set up the pizza in the kitchen,

which is exactly where you'll be eating it

because I don't want stains on the carpet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving

before the universe ends from a woman being at a poker game.

Let's eat.

Pizza? I shouldn't.

I got an occlusion.

You coming, Slotkin? Give me a minute.

Sylvia. Sylvia...

Let me show you a picture of my new grandson.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Yeah, isn't he?

Yeah, would you like to see a picture

of my new grandson?

Yeah. So would I.

Mom, hi. Oh.

Where you going? I'm going to your wife's house

to help her prepare the only Thanksgiving dinner in America

without a kiddie table.

All right, but don't try and talk... All right.

Hi. Hey.

Is my dad in there?

You're Burt's son.

The one having the baby.

Mel Slotkin.

Yeah. Yeah, hi. Okay.

Listen... About that, I would really appreciate it

if you didn't tell my father about it.

[SCOFFS] I wouldn't give Burt the satisfaction.

He and I have a lot of bad blood.

Well, whatever the motivation, it's just that

we're not really telling people yet,

so I think he would be hurt if he found out from...

Oh, if it will hurt him...

Excuse me. Wait, wait wait. Wait a second.

You can't tell him.

Yes, I can.

Right, I grant you that physically you can.

I'm just saying...

Come on. Morally? [SCOFFS]

Ethically?

I'll pay you not to. How much?

50 bucks? A hundred.

75.

For 75, I drop hints.

All right, fine. Okay, here. 100 bucks.

Well, look who's here. Slotkin, this is my boy Paulie.

Yes, we've met.

Dad, Dad, listen, uh, it turns out I can't play

'cause I gotta run home,

gotta stop a big thing.

Is it that you don't want kids?

No, we do.

Because I have to say, that is a very selfish attitude.

We want them. We plan to have them.

Plan? Plan when?

Soon. "Soon." Three months soon?

Ten years? Soon soon.

So you'll never have a child.

That is a choice you can make.

That won't happen.

My son will die childless.

But the important thing is,

you will have had a lot of nice dinners out.

All right, Sylvia.

I know I'm gonna regret this, but the truth is...

No, wait. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't what?

Put marshmallows in the yams.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[CRYING] Joan, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Well, you don't cry over nothing.

I was on my way up to see Paul and Jamie.

Uh, Debbie and I had our first big fight.

Over what?

Well, I knew something, and I didn't tell her.

It's not good to have secrets. What was it?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Where I come from, they call this

a straight flush.

[GROANS]

[LAUGHS]

Your son's having a kid.

[PAUL TAPPING ON WINE GLASS] PAUL: Everybody, can I have your attention, please?

We have a little announcement to make.

I wonder what that could be.

Oh, what? You're buying a new house.

All right. All right.

Paul and I

are having a baby.

Yeah, yeah, good for you.

Hey, could we eat now?

Hey, hey, come on, this is big news.

It's not big news. It's old news.

You handled this very badly.

Oh, come on, let's not worry about who found out when.

Oh. Oh, easy for you to say.

You knew before they did.

PAUL: Uh, all right, all right, look,

admittedly we didn't do the best job

of making this public, but...

Come on. We're new at this.

You know, maybe next time we'll do better.

But regardless of who here found out first,

the important thing is that you,

our family, our friends,

the people closest to us in the world,

you are the only people on the planet

who know this information.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Just a second.

Is this Hal and Maggie's apartment?

Uh, no, actually, they're across the hall.

I know you!

You're the couple from the elevator.

Hey, Kev,

these are the people I was telling you about.

Oh, yeah!

How you doing?

I hear you're having a baby. That's great.

Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

[CHIMPANZEE SCREECHING]

[HOOTING]

[CHITTERING]

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[CHITTERING]

[HOOTING]

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[CHIMPANZEE HOOTING]

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